15 Storeys High (2002) s02e04 Episode Script

The Plough

1 Rock 'n' roll! (Fast rock rhythm) Hello, is that the Rose & Crown? Yeah, I had a Little drink in your pub last night.
I don't know if you remember me.
I had the Scottish ten-pound note.
Pointed out there is no "K" in Scampi And one That's right, yeah.
You know what it's like when you've had a few and accidentally leave the pub with something.
Beer glass, ashtray Well, I've got your plough.
(ERROL) Morning! Oh! EMU Em Errol, mind that plough.
Yeah, the big one off the ceiling.
Sorry about that.
You know what it's like, you've had a few, you start showing off.
So, when do you want me to drop it around? There's no There's no need for the It's only a plough, you don't use it.
Do you? All right! All right, I'll drop it round this morning.
Miserable twat! Talked to me like I was some kind of thief.
You are! - I'm not! - You took his plough.
I'd had a few drinks.
- So, it's all right if you've had a drink? - Yes.
So, if you took it sober, you'll be a thief.
No, I'll be an idiot.
Who needs a plough when they're sober? So why did you steal it? I didn't steal it.
U W” removed it from the pub.
- Without his permission? - Yeah.
So, why are you taking it back? What is the matter with you? Look, look, it's a plough, it was a laugh.
So, if you haven't stolen it, why not throw it away? Because it's not mine.
Whose is it then? (Sighs) All right, Errol, I'm a thief.
I nick ploughs.
There, I've said it.
I feel so much better.
So boring, aren't you? I bet you've never stolen anything, have you? - I have.
- What? Mints.
After a curry? Yeah.
Come on, get your fat arse round the other end of this plough.
Do you think he'll get violent? Who, George? No, I've nicked him loads of times.
Good as gold.
Not really in the mood for it today.
I know what you mean.
I had a massive breakfast at the caff this morning.
You get days like that as well? - Oh, yeah.
- I thought it was just me.
I had a fella swinging a baseball bat at my head last week.
I said, "You carry on, mate, I'm going for a cup of tea.
" Days like this I wish we had guns.
Come on, George.
I know you're in there.
Just want to have a word with ya.
Why wouldn't they let us go through the park? - Well, it was picking up a few divets.
- Yeah.
Which way did you come last night? The park was shut, dunno.
(Man) Get off and milk it! It's a plough, not a bike, idiot.
Come on! You couldn't have taken it all the way around the Becket Centre.
Maybe you went through the church yard.
No, there's no way I'd do that.
- (Man) Hey, your back wheel's going round! - It's a plough! (Man) Who do you think you are, Michael Schumacher? You could only say that if I'm driving a car.
(Man) # I got a brand-new combine ham/ester! It's a plough! Why don't you just ignore them? I don't mind abuse as Long as it's accurate.
What are you doing with that plough, you twat? Ignore him, Errol George! Come on, open the door.
(Silly, high-pitched voice) Mr Burton no here.
Mr Burton no here.
Don't be silly, Mr Burton, just open the door.
Mr Burton no here.
Mr Burton gone away.
Don't have me to go back to the station to get a warrant, George.
Come on, open the door.
Mr Burton no here.
Mr Burton gone away, no here.
George, this is serious.
Come on, open the door.
Mr Burton gone away.
Mr Burton no here.
Vince, have you read this? ? Guess what happened in the church yard.
? It says here last night the cemetery was desecrated.
(Tuts) It's terrible.
The vicar said, "I'm devastated.
"It's as if a maniac has gone on the rampage with a plough.
" That's you.
No! You had the plough and dragged it all the way home.
No, no.
No, cos I never went through the church yard.
It ls you.
It must be one of those crazy coincidences you read about where two people on the same night in the same borough nick ploughs, one of them goes through the church yard, ruins it (Tuts) and the other one safely makes his way home.
Mr Burton no here! Look, Mr Burton, we are on your side, but you're beginning to piss us off.
(Normal voice) I told you he's gone away.
I'm watering his plants for him.
And who are you? I'm Eric.
I live around the corner.
Where is he? He's on holiday.
And what was all that with the silly voices? Don't know, just felt like it.
We could do you for wasting police time.
- What, a minute and a half? - Hey! Now, you just tell him to report to the police station when he gets back, right? - (High voice) They're gone now, Mr - Right! Steady, lad! Shut up! I know, I know it looks like it's me.
Of course it looks like it's me.
Of course it does.
But if this was an episode of Poirot, he wouldn't even knock on my cabin door, hm? It's like that film, The Usual Suspects.
Everyone thinks it's the Irish fella, turns out, it's the bloke with a limp.
I've not I've not seen that.
There's no point, it's the fella with the limp.
Sixth Sense, right? Bruce Willis.
Look, Vince.
I've Ghost.
(Door buzzer) Don't answer that, don't, don't.
Why? We're having a nice time, aren't we? Could be somebody important.
Yeah, it could be It could be, er, Jim Davidson.
Oh, I don't want him coming around, do you? - Eurgh! - Yeah, eurgh! Or Hitler.
I'll put the kettle on, you know, let's And Mousetrap, don't bother with that, it's so obvious Vince, I've got tickets.
(Door buzzer) Mr Clark? Vince, it's for you.
It's a vicar.
- (High voice) Angry! - I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Angry! - You're very lucky there, lad.
- Angry policeman! - Very lucky indeed.
- Bad people.
- Right! What Hello! Oh, hello! I'm from St Mary's.
The name ls Jonathan.
Your worshipful I had a phone call this morning from the Landlord of the Rose & Crown.
- Never go in there.
- From which you are barred.
He told me of an incident involving you and a plough, and last night our graveyard was disturbed.
I was wondering if the two events were connected.
I dug up your graveyard accidentally, I'm sorry.
You Uar! He said it was a coincidence.
I was drunk.
I'm sorry, really sorry.
He said if it was an episode of Poirot, they wouldn't knock on his cabin door.
That was a twist.
It was me.
I feel really bad about this.
I knew it was you.
Cos he said it must have been someone else with another plough on the same night.
- Is he your mate? - Lodger.
Ah! You see, the park was shut, so I thought I nip through the cemetery, because they're quite heavy, those ploughs.
Mm If you'd nipped through, there'd be a straight Line, but you, you went on a rampage.
Mm, I dropped my keys- Yeah, so I had to go looking for them.
You could've put the plough down.
I was pissed Drunk, drunk.
I was drunk.
I'm sorry, I feel really terrible about this.
Unbelievable! How can you say you didn't do it when you did? These things do happen.
But Father, Lying's wrong.
Well, didn't Jesus tell a few Lies? - No.
- He did.
He betrayed our lord for 3O pieces of silver.
- Dimwit.
- That was Judas.
- What did I say? - Jesus.
I'm always doing that.
For some people it's left and right.
Me, them two.
Jesus was the good one.
I do know! What do you think that is? Scotch mist? Mmm! Sorry about him.
Will you shut up? Stop being so boring, don't get involved.
(Vince) I'm sorry.
I feel terrible about this.
Maybe I could raise some money.
- Do you need a new roof? - It's just been done.
- Minibus? - Passed its MOT on Monday.
- You got bells? - Yeah.
I tell you what I'd like.
Can I have a nice cup of tea? Yeah! Yeah! Anda biscuit.
You're gonna let him off with a cup of tea? Errol, shut up.
You ploughed up his graveyard.
Well, didn't Jesus plough up a few? Oh, I've done it again.
Jesus, Judas, Jesus, Judas.
Hey, good job it's not a christening.
So how was your day? Shite.
(# Hollyoaks theme on TV) I don't normally watch Hollyoaks.
- You Uar.
- I love It.
The thing I like about it, they're all so young.
It's filmed in Chester.
Everyone knows that.
Well it's interesting to me because I'm from Saiford and it's not that far.
- Why mention it if it's only interesting to you? - Yeah? Sometimes you just say things that come in to you head.
I don't, do you? - No.
- No.
Don't have a go at me.
He's the one that nicked the plough.
"He's the one that nicked the plough! He's the one that nicked the plough!" - Judas.
- No! - Oh, yes, you're right.
- Yes, he's Judas, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I better be getting on with things.
Oh, are you very busy? Yeah.
Thanks for being so understanding about the plough business.
I thought I was in a bit of trouble there.
Of course, it's not up to me.
I just report to the bishop.
He decides if any action is necessary.
So it's not over then? I'll tell you what I fancy.
- What? - A game of table tennis.
(Clicks) - Do you play? - Yeah, I love table tennis.
Not you, you're boring.
So I'm under Waterloo Bridge, right, about half an hour, stock still, getting a bit bored, like that, right? This juggler comes up and he goes, "Oi, that's my patch.
" - I hate jugglers.
- Everyone hates jugglers- And I said, "Your patch, piss off.
" - Then you hit him? - Yeah, I got him in a headlock.
Bang! I was banging his head on the windows of the NFT.
Bang! Bang! Like that, and then there was this big flash.
And I thought, "Has he hit me back?" It turns out there are some tourist, American, taking pictures.
And we stopped, put aside our differences, you know, street people.
We said, "Come on, mate.
This is our living.
"If you wanna take a picture, you've got to pay, because this is unique.
"I'm not supposed to be moving for a start, "you've got a juggler here, mohican, and tattoos allover him, "that's gotta be worth a tenner.
" So I gets his camera and I'm like that, throws it in the Thames, juggler comes up, kicks him up the arse.
He was actually a pretty good bloke.
Oh, er, hello again.
I ordered something from your catalogue but I'd like to cancel it.
Great, great, yeah.
I'd like to cancel the windbreak.
Yeah, it's a bit boring, isn't it? Mm.
And instead, I would like the aluminous Snoopy phone.
Co rd less? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Let's go mad, yeah.
Oh, and can I have the bullet belt and the home piercing kit.
460 a month.
Yeah, can we lose the belt? Yeah 440.
Whoo! Game! Fancy another? Yeah, but can we change ends so I don't have to keep going down there all the time.
Nah, a lot of hassle, Let's just stay the way we are.
So, I walking across Blackfriars, police car comes up, takes me down to Bow Street, puts me in one of them identification parades.
Yeah, the Yank had made a big fuss.
$0 Marie's: six of us all slivered up In a fine-up.
Did he pick you? Did he bugger! You know Dave from Brentford? - No.
- You do, Dave, Brentford Dave.
- What does he Look like? - "What does he Look like"! He's got silver on his face, 77zat's what he looks like! Anyway, the Yank picks him and he causes a right fuss, and it's great for the rest of us, cos he's got a great patch Covert Garden, right? So anyway, I'm on me way up and this copper says to me, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
" I says, "What's that supposed to mean?" He says, "it's just an expression.
" I says, "Well, this is just an expression.
" Bang! Elbow in the face.
And I'm afraid, love, this time, it looks like it's gonna be custodial.
Not bad for a vicar.
Why don't you have a go? - I'm not very good at climbing.
- just try It, see If you can do It.
- No, I'm all right - Do it.
- I'm fine - Do it! - You'd like that, would you? - Yeah.
Do it.
- That'd make you happy? - Very happy, just do It.
All right.
That's it.
You might enjoy it.
Remember, you only live once.
Except for the afterlife.
I'm really glad I met you, Vince.
I haven't had this much fun for ages.
Most people don't like to hang out with vicars.
Ha! Hang out! They think they'll just talk about God all the time, and drink tea with old ladies.
That's just rubbish.
We haven't talked about about God once.
- Have we talked about God once? - No.
No, not once.
- I suppose you don't believe in God, do you? - Not really.
Doesn't bother me.
Do you think it bothers me? It doesn't.
Look at my face.
Do I Look like I'm bothered? Do I? - No.
- No, because I'm not.
I'm not bothered.
I'm not bothered at all.
- Neither am I.
- No? you will be when you're in hell Oh yes, swimming in a lake of turds and wasps.
Eurgh! It'll be horrible.
Whereas my eternity Oh, I'll have a margarita in one hand, endless beaches, watching Mariah Carey riding a horse in her shorts.
Meow! Meow! Meow! - Oh, thanks.
- My turn.
Quite symbolic, these, aren't they?.
The apple is evil, the toffee is temptation, and the stick, I suppose, it the serpent.
No, you're wrong.
The apple is good, the toffee is nice, and the stick is handy.
Have another go.
They're good, you're evil No, what's good is me.
I'm brilliant at it.
What's evil isit costs a pound a go.
I love coming down here, letting off a bit of steam.
These are the mole machine.
I broke it.
I hate moles.
I mean, I know they're God's creatures and everything, but if you'd seen what they've done to my grave yard.
Better than a plough going through it, though.
That's not funny.
What's funny about that? What is funny about you ploughing up my grave yard? Sometimes it's just There's one there.
You did a terrible thing.
Then why did you get me a toffee apple? Because I like you, Vince.
You're a laugh.
Eh? Eh? (Radio tuning) (# Heavy rock) (France Gall: Ne sois Pas SI bête) Il est très timide avec ses copains Mais avec les fllles, il ne craint plus rien Chaque fols qu 'on abuse, ll nous snob un peu Et dens ses bras, ou/ dens ses bras ll nous dit des propos, comme ca Ne sois pas si béte, béte, béte Serre-moi plus fort, et plus fort encore Ne t'en fais pas, tu crains rien de mo! Car tu es encore une petite file pour moi! ll nous racompagne, jusque note Cheers, mate.
Sans nous embrasser le Diable I 'emporte C 'est presqu'une offense, c'est un drole de jeu Quand dens ses bras, ou/ dens ses bras ll nous dent des propos, comme pa Ne sois pas si béte, béte, béte (Vince) That's my ex-girlfriend.
(Vicar) What, her at the back? - Mm.
- Bit rough.
- Well, she's had her head shaved.
- I bet she didn't do it for charity.
I shaved mine, raised ã400 for Comic Relief.
- But this lot could raise about 2000.
- If they weren't so spiritual.
- Mm! You're jealous, aren't you? - Well, it makes me sick.
I'm lucky if I get half this on a Sunday.
You only open on a Sunday.
This Lot, it's flexible hours.
Most people on Sundays have a hangover.
Last thing you wanna do is pray.
So, you think we should do pub hours, have, like, hymns on the jukebox, fill the church with scumbags and low-life? I thought that was the idea.
Isn't that what Christ did? Yeah, and Look what happened to him.
I mean it's a great idea on paper.
You try doing a sermon with some bloke singing Wild Rover and combing his air with a shoe.
Look at it, load of old bollocks.
(Fire alarm) Il est très timide avec ses copains Mais avec les fllles, il ne craint plus rien Chaque fols qu '00 abuse, ll nous snob un peu Et dans ses bras (# Heavy rock guitar) That was fantastic, the Look on their faces.
- When they saw you were a vicar? - Yeah.
Oh, no, that's a Snakebite.
Hey, he'!- Think I saw a sprinkler system in that place.
Whoops! - You think you'll get in trouble for that? - Yeah, I'll be in big trouble with Buddha.
Luckily, he doesn't exist.
- And what about your mate Jesus? - Well, he was a bit of a rogue, Jesus.
No, I've got that wrong.
It was Judas.
I'm always doing that.
Jesus, Judas, Jesus, Judas.
I have the same trouble with Robson and Jerome.
- Which one is evil? - No, which one's Robson, which one's Jerome.
- I mean, they're both evil - No, that's not true.
One of them opened our summer fete last year, made a lot of money for charity.
Yeah, which one? It ls difficult, Isn't It? (# Heavy rock guitar) (Sniffing heavily) Yes! Nah, fancy an early night.
What? - (Laughing) - (Vicar vomiting) (Slurring) Look at that.
Eurgh! I haven't done that for years.
Tell you what.
I've had a brilliant night tonight.
It's been fantastic.
Good night.
See you tomorrow.
Umm No, no, I can't do that.
Good idea.
Next week.
Ah, see you around.
No, see, tomorrow I am flying to Kenya.
Ha, good one.
The bishop sent me there.
Two years, orphans.
What do they want you for? Hm a MI@TD That's what vicars do.
I just wanted a good night out before I left.
I thought we were mates! I'm everyone's mate! I'm the vicar! I'm coming home, I've done my time - All right? - All right.
- What are you doing? - Big origami.
It's not boring, is it? No! Really exciting.
Had a nice time with your new friend? Nah! I'm going to bed.
(Door buzzer) Are you Vince? Yeah.
Yesterday, our meditation was disturbed by someone setting off the fire alarm, and we wondered if you were involved.
I set off the fire alarm, on purpose.
I meant it.
I had a great time.
Hello! Hello! (Shrieking) (Woman) You bastard!