1600 Penn s01e10 Episode Script

1 Once again, Mr.
Interviewer person sir, I just want to again, say how excited I am, for this opportunity to join America's space program.
I'm a people person, proficient in Word '97 and my biggest flaw is that I'm a perfectionist.
Let's see what we're looking at here.
(Mouths) Okay, seven years university of Nevada, Reno.
Go, wolf pack.
Major: General studies? Yes, I like to think of myself as a Jack-of-all-trades, master of all trades.
Well, I don't see a graduation year on here.
That's because technically I never graduated.
What do you mean "technically"? The same as the sentence without technically.
All right, um, look, you're obviously the president's son.
No, no, no, please, sir, do not "president's son" me.
I've been hearing that my whole life.
He's been president for less than a year.
I want to be an astronaut because it's all I've ever dreamed of ever since I was a little boy looking up at the constellations.
That and also for attracting the ladies, if we're laying our cards out on the table.
Astronaut? You understand that this interview is for an entry-level job.
I mean, the most you'll be doing is answering phones, filing, that sort of thing.
Mm, I think I'm gonna stick with astronaut.
Test passed, right? You got to want it.
People train for years to become an astronaut.
I mean, you can't even enter the space program if don't have a college degree.
I am chastened.
Thank you for your time.
I know what I must do.
No, I cannot pass a law eliminating the college requirement to become an astronaut.
You disappoint me, father.
If you just applied yourself a little bit, you could be a really great president.
Damn it, I can't stay mad at you.
Oh, whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh, whoa, oh oh, whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh, whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Dad, that creep wrote on your Wikipedia page again.
But don't worry, I'm editing it.
Alleged crimes against humanity.
- Morning.
- Hey, there she is.
Who's ready to show the energy independence and efficiency task force - what she's made of? - Ooh, I'm so excited.
Thanks, again, I won't let you down.
Yeah.
Ah, I wouldn't have appointed you to the committee if I didn't think you had what it takes.
I don't want to overwhelm them on the first day, so I've limited myself to just one binder of ideas.
There were some tough edits.
Some days, you know, you have to pat yourself on the back.
I got Becca on the task force.
Got Skip that clerking job at NASA.
You just might be onto something there, mug.
Well, I'm off.
If you're around the cabinet room later, watch your toes because I'm gonna be dropping some knowledge.
Barkeep, a bowl of your fruitiest pebbles, please.
Aren't you supposed to be at work? Oh, right, the job.
- Yeah, no, I passed.
- You passed? Yeah, you know, I thought to myself, you know, if I can never be an astronaut then why even take the job? What am I working toward? Not astronaut? That's a not a profession.
Do you know how many strings I had to pull Well, just one, I am the president Dad, it's not my fault I never graduated college, okay? How is it not your fault? He makes a damn good point.
Skip, there's no reason that you can't graduate college.
What do you have left, 15, 20 credits? - Three.
- What? I took sociology my second senior year, and our final assignment was to write a 25-page paper and then the funniest thing happened: I just didn't do it.
25 pages? I can't even finish a three-page book report.
Oh, you are not going to enjoy college.
Skip, don't infect the others.
25 pages is nothing.
You can do this.
I believe in you.
Skip Gilchrist, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Do you really think that's true? How could it not be true? You are going to get that paper done.
You are going to graduate college.
And you are going to make your dreams come true.
Because the power is in your hands.
Well, you know what? I'm going to go use these powerful hands to write that damn paper.
Hey, laptop, I am about to have my way with you.
Marshall, the Times wants a quote on that farm subsidies bill.
Congressman Schneider on line two and your mom on line four.
Marshall, do you have a sec? Tell congressman Schneider I'll return.
Tell my mom the farm bill will favor family farms over agribusiness and tell the Times I love her and I'll see her Sunday at Nana's.
Sort it out.
I have a meeting I've got to get to.
I wanted to bounce some ideas off you before my task force meeting.
Walk with me.
Which brings me to my last point, in this subsection.
Okay, Becca, your ideas are great.
I love what you're saying about non-regressive carbon offsets or whatever.
But I've got to go, I've got meeting with Reba.
Reba Cadbury? You've been having a lot of meetings with her.
Can I meet her? I don't think that she's very private.
Are you guys dating? What? No.
Why are you being so weird? What's going on, Marshall? Are you in trouble? Have you been online shopping again? You're supposed to call me.
It is nothing like that, okay? First of all, I can stop anytime I want.
Second of all, you can't meet Reba.
Because she doesn't exist.
What? I made her up.
What? Why? Do you know what my days are like? I don't have a second to myself.
I am literally 312 New Yorker magazines behind.
So, this is where I come when I need a moment.
I can call my mother, pay my bills.
So you made up a person? Well, I came across this empty office, I slapped a fake name on the door, and next thing I know, they were delivering a computer and a phone.
Now she has an e-mail address and a parking spot.
Government waste.
God bless it.
Sorry I showed you up before.
What are you talking about? You know, how I was able to get Skip to finish his college paper even though you failed - for years with your tough love approach.
- Ah.
Look, you're Mr.
Yell about everything, and I get it.
(Masculine voice): I'm Dale, I use old-fashioned parenting methods.
(Grunting) Why am I eastern European in this thing? But Skip doesn't respond to that.
He needs tenderness, like a child or an heirloom tomato.
Talk to me when he's actually finished his paper.
Momily, dad, I did it, I finished.
In your face.
What did I tell you, Skip? I knew you could finish that paper.
My paper? No.
Medal of honor warfighter.
I'm feeling my face and there's nothing in it.
The last level was so hard.
But I did it, I finished it.
Granted, I had to use a cheat code and change the difficulty level to "coward.
" This is actually progress.
He's never finished an entire video game before.
Remember the first day of the rest of your life? (Video game gunfire) - All that crap.
- Of course, momily, but this is my process.
See, as I play this game, my brain is making connections in hopefully writing the paper.
You want to yell at him, don't you? No.
Do it.
Come over to the Dale side.
He won't finish the paper either way, but this way just feels so much better.
(Video game gunfire) And lastly, I want to introduce you to the latest member of our panel, miss Rebecca Gilchrist.
I'm honored.
Wow.
So, you can see that miss Gilchrist is not only the president's daughter but she is wildly intelligent.
And thank you so much for coming.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Thanks.
Senator Faxler, I put together some ideas to go over with you Isn't that fantastic? You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to take this binder, and I'm going to dive in.
Because I know that it's going to contribute wonderfully to the discussion here at the panel.
And we're going to see you next meeting.
Um, you want me to leave? That's an option? Can I leave? You can stay if you want to, but why would you, sweetheart? This panel is made up of experts and congressmen and people who aren't girls who were appointed to a task force by their father: The president of the United States.
Who I deeply, deeply respect.
No, but I wa I was really Let's talk about fracking and natural gas.
We've only got four hours.
Dad, Faxler didn't even want me to stay for the meeting It's like I'm only on the task force because I'm your daughter.
That is why you're on the task force.
I know you're capable, but people are going to be skeptical.
It's up to you to change their minds.
But they won't even listen to me.
Faxler's a roadblock? What do you do with roadblocks? You go over them, or around them.
Or you tunnel under them.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, dad.
Yeah.
Victory is just defeat turned inside out.
And looked at in the mirror.
Is that anything? Should I write that down? No, I wouldn't bother.
Momily, thank you so much for writing my paper for me.
I'm not writing it for you, Skip, I am helping you.
We tried gentle encouragement, now we're going hands-on.
Staying very positive though.
Still very positive.
Okay, here we go.
We open on a purple moon.
The darkness of the caligean night is interrupted by flashes of laser beam artillery.
Byoo! Those are the guns.
Byooo.
I thought you were writing a sociology paper.
When an iconic movie-image hits you, you go with it.
A beautiful princess with soft eyes and seven legs addresses her army of septipedal heroes.
Skip, concentrate.
Now it's gone.
Thanks.
Thank you, Emily.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to lash out at you.
It's me, it's me.
I have to write this paper.
I know I do.
But how can one write a paper when the chandeliers in the white house are this damn filthy? Yeah, when he's in hardcore procrastination mode he starts cleaning.
(Yells, thud) Skip: I'm good.
Maybe we take five.
Skip: These floors could use a wax.
I may have done something stupid.
Is this going to stress me out? 'Cause the whole idea of this office is kind of a peaceful oasis.
I e-mailed Faxler a bunch of my ideas - From Reba's e-mail account.
- What? Well, he wouldn't listen if I sent it as myself.
So he's going to listen to somebody who doesn't exist? All he has to do is Google Reba Cadbury.
No, I thought of that.
I had Xander work up a Wikipedia page for her.
Phone call on line one for Reba.
And pose as her assistant.
- It's Faxler.
- Becca, don't answer that phone.
What are you doing? Why is that hand moving towards the receiver? I don't like how this is trending.
(English accent): Hello, this is Reba.
Xander: Reba's British.
We figured it was the kind of unexpected detail that would really help sell the lie.
Becca: Really? Yes.
Well, I mean Okay, that's very bloody kind of you.
Adios.
He loves my ideas.
Reba's ideas.
He wants to meet Reba for lunch.
What did you tell him? You don't say no when a senator asks you to lunch, Marshall.
- Oh, God.
- Relax.
I'll show up on Monday.
I will get credit for my ideas and Faxler will have to admit that he was wrong about me.
Right, because senators just love it when you dupe them and make them look like idiots.
I didn't think about it like that.
Trust me, Becca, this is not how you want to be noticed.
Besides, you are jeopardizing my fake office.
Fine, I won't show up to the meeting and this whole thing will just go away.
(Whistling) Skip? Hey, guys.
Just working on my paper.
(Whistling) Narrator: The puffin species have predominant Fly, puffin, fly.
How'd you get out of writing your paper for school? I haven't even started my book report and it's on the worst book ever.
Dune.
Marigold, Dune is only one of the most seminal Sci-Fi novels of all time.
It's even better than the movie.
And I never say that.
Yeah, it seems really boring.
How dare you.
This is an epic adventure about empires battling over a magical spice.
Ah.
But the magical spice is a metaphor for our natural resources.
That's what makes Sci-Fi so cool.
You think they're talking about aliens and super-robots, but what they're really talking about are people and super-robots.
That seems cool, I guess.
But I mean, who really needs school? Look at you.
You never graduated college, and you're doing great.
Oh, my God.
You look up to me.
I didn't say that.
I'm a role model to you.
I mean, I-I like you.
I'm your whole life, and I'm letting you down.
This is hitting me hard.
I need to lead by example.
Marigold, I will not let you down.
Emily: Okay, so you want me to lock you in the baby's room and not let you out until you finish the paper? I have to do this.
The only thing standing in my way is myself.
That's who I'm fighting.
And it's time for a cage match.
One man goes in, one man comes out.
No distractions, no tv, no wi-fi.
Just bring me breakfast, lunch, dinner and fourth meal.
Skip, I'm really proud of you.
- And it's all because of my encouragement.
- Actually, no.
- I had a great interaction with Marigold.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on, let's do this.
If anyone is looking for me, tell them not to come in.
Just say, I'm beating myself.
I'm not gonna say that.
(Lock clicking) Chris Matthews (On tv): And we're back with senator Nathan Faxler, head of the administration's energy task force.
Chris, thank you so much for having me on.
Matthews: Congress has been forming task forces and commissions and special committees on energy since the days of Jimmy Carter.
Why is yours gonna be any different? Oh, you're irascible, Chris! We're about to present a proposal to reduce our dependency on fossil fuels.
It is a lightbulb moment for wind power.
- Great line.
- That's my line! I can't take credit for that line.
That was actually Reba Cadbury.
(Phone ringing) This isn't blowing over, Becca.
Marshall, calm down.
It's just the fourth segment on a cable news show.
Well, we're watching.
He really loves my ideas, huh? Do not be happy.
You know, we get entrenched in the same old debate in this town.
Frankly, Reba has me looking at things in brand-new ways.
This Reba's good.
Yeah, according to Wikipedia, she was almost an olympic skier.
I'm not surprised.
Why don't you write the paper? Why don't you write the paper? (Laughing) (Crying) (Whispering): I brought you extra hot sauce.
(Mobile plays lullaby) (Grunting, lullaby playing) Skip, what are you doing? Stop hitting yourself! - Then you hit me! - No! - Slap me.
- How will that help? It might not, but we won't know until we try.
- What the hell?! - I'm sorry! It was reflex! (Grunts) I believe in you! - What's going on in there? - I'm just helping Skip with his term paper.
Marigold, run for help! Say you can do it.
Say it! I c can.
Did it! I should have typed this.
OK, so I called Faxler as Reba and cancelled the lunch.
She was out too late drinking last night, she overshared.
Smart.
Undermine her credibility.
Cool her off a bit.
There you are.
20 minutes ago, something very big happened.
Something paradigm shifting.
The president's office called.
- What? - Dad's office? I know who the president is.
Reba's got a meeting with the big dog, half an hour.
That seems about right.
Hey, got a sec? Excuse me.
- What's up? - Oh, just wanted to let you know that Skip finished his paper.
(Sighs) Is this true? Yes! I did it! I mean, Skip did it.
Eat it! (Laughs) Ah.
I don't know what to say.
Well done, Skip.
And, Emily, I owe you an apology.
Your way got it done.
I don't know why, but I don't feel nearly as happy as I thought I would.
I'm sure you're just overwhelmed by the deep feeling of accomplishment.
No, that's not it at all.
I feel sad.
- Kind of ruining my moment here.
- Emily.
- Sorry.
Part of me feels like, before, I could always point to this unfinished paper as the reason I wasn't successful, but now Now the pressure's on.
Now I have no excuses.
Skip, it's okay.
You're gonna have to grow up at some point.
Is this what being an adult is like? It's awful! Just awful! What's the matter with him? He graduated college.
I'm gonna help him celebrate.
Dad, do you have a minute? Uh, now's not a great time.
I've got this meeting with Faxler and that Reba Cadbury woman.
You may want to stick around and meet her, because she's got some really great ideas.
Oh, my God, thank you for that invite.
Um, but it's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
- What's up? - Well, it's about Reba.
It's kind of a funny story, actually.
Reba's dead.
Well, it's not ha-ha funny.
Oh, my God.
What happened? "At 1:09 P.
M.
eastern standard time, "a sedan driven by Reba Cadbury veered off the road, into the Potomac.
" The body was never recovered.
Case closed.
That's terrible.
(Whispering): What are you doing? What you did was dumb, but there's no reason for your father to be disappointed in you, as well.
I'll go break the news to Faxler.
Is there someone I can call to express my condolences? Oh, well, Reba was a very private woman, sir.
- I want to go to the funeral.
- Well, that's not necessary.
- Marshall, I insist.
- You have a very busy week.
- I'll make time.
- All right, sir.
She's fake.
- What? - Reba doesn't exist.
I made her up so that I could have a place to sneak in a little me time after lunch.
And then, Becca started using her name to prove herself to Faxler.
I know! It's awful.
So sad.
I'm talking to Reba's aunt Sally.
No, we will respect your wishes.
The family wants a very small private ceremony in Liverpool, just them.
I understand.
Uh, can I talk to her? Oh, what? What, Sally? You're breaking up.
- I'll call her back.
- Wait.
Sally?! No! Another horrible accident.
Oh, how much can one family take in a day? He knows.
Oh, yeah, okay.
How could you do this, Becca? What were you thinking? I yes, Becca.
What were you thinking? Marshall.
I'll, uh, be in my office if you need me, sir.
(Sighs) Dad, I am really sorry.
I know that this was a terrible thing to do! I guess I just saw a roadblock, and I tried to go around, or over, or tunnel under it? Faxler: Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry to intrude.
I just heard about Reba.
I am so sorry.
What a tragedy.
What a loss.
But on a practical note, I think that the work of the task force should continue.
Uh - Senator Faxler? - Yes.
I have to admit something to you about Reba and her ideas.
You know what, sweetie? Don't you dare be ashamed about not understanding them.
I mean, they were very complicated.
Mm.
And I applaud you - for your honesty.
- Actually, Becca worked quite closely with Reba.
I did not know that.
- Now you know that.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you had looked in that binder of hers I did not do that.
It was really thick.
Well, you would have seen that a lot of Becca's ideas were championed by Reba.
Isn't that wonderful.
Now, obviously, you are a well-respected member of our task force.
And you've got big shoes to fill.
And I know that she can do that, sir, because if she's anything like you That's enough, Faxler.
Of course.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry about Reba.
But I'm not surprised, 'cause I heard she was a big.
Wow.
Oh, Becca? Guess who got your baby gift, huh? Can't wait.
(Whoops) (Laughs) In recognition of your bachelor "in general studies, "with minors in critical film theory, Latin dance, political cartooning" How many minors did you get? He was there seven years.
You're gonna get a few.
"Landscape architecture, math, "and finally, judaic studies, "we the university of Nevada, Reno, proudly designate you, Standridge Gilchrist Jr.
, a graduate in full standing.
" Blah, blah, blah.
- Great work, buddy.
- Thanks, dad.
It's going to be okay, Skip.
Is it? I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
Guess who got an A on her book report! You did? That's amazing! - Yeah.
Skip actually helped me.
- What did I do? Well, you were so excited about science fiction, that I decided to give it a try, and I really got into it.
You know what? There's people who take that very skill getting others excited about learning And they turn it into a career.
Scuba instructors? - Teachers.
- Oh, right.
Yeah.
What the hell am I talking about? Well, how do you become a teacher? Well, it starts by getting a college degree.
I have one of those! And that's pretty much it.
That is so much easier than astronaut! 'Cause nobody wants to be a teacher! That is awesome! Friends, dad, I have a family announcement to make.
I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I want to be an educator of younglings.
I'll never have to leave school, because I'll become school.
I'll never grow up, like the cast of Cocoon.
Adulthood I'll see you in hell.
Skip: Reba Cadbury.
I never even had a chance to meet her.
I thought there'd be an opportunity, but she died before I ever heard of her.
Does your dad like me? You know, as in a cabinet member? And now, everybody's acting like she never even existed.
Does he play any sports I play? - Is life short? - Is life long? See, I just know that we would get along if we hung out.
You don't have to say anything but you could.
Yesterday, I was a child.
Is he a racquetball guy? But today, I must put away those childish things.
He's got that ranch.
I could buy him some chaps.
Maybe that's too intimate.
You are a good listener.
Would you tell your dad?