18 to Life s01e05 Episode Script

- What are you doing?|- Trying to watch the hockey game.
You'll see it better if you stand|in front of the screen.
Ha ha ha.
Hilarious.
Anything? I think those are hockey players.
*** See, now this bothers me.
- I wish I could afford cable too.
|- Not that.
We got a letter addressed|to Mr.
and Mrs.
Tom Ballow.
- Oh, cool.
Our first mail|as husband and wife.
- Yeah.
Or in this case husband and some woman|with no name of her own.
Yeah, you're right.
It's an outrage.
Some people just make me so Arghh.
.
Fuzzy.
Who's Charles Ballow anyway? - It's from Uncle Charlie? He's the best.
|- Please He's obviously one of those dinosaurs who believes women belong in the kitchen|darning butter and turning socks.
However that goes.
He sent us a wedding check for $3,000.
Good old Uncle Charlie! OK, buddy.
|You're all set.
It's the most beautiful|thing I've ever seen.
Ahem.
New wife|within earshot? You two are married? Congrats.
When's the baby due? I'm not pregnant.
Oh.
Check out this cable package.
Linen Network,|Fast Food Network, MTV Latvia! Do we really need|all these channels? And the Design Channel, It's the most beautiful|thing I've ever seen.
Sumo Wrestling in HD, Jess.
We're finally adults.
Did we score a deal|on this or what? And we've still got|money left over.
Are you thinking|what I'm thinking? Cool leather couch.
|Family Guy box set.
Did I see a TV delivery|truck outside? Or we could put it in the bank|so we can move out of here.
Whoa.
Joint account.
Are you|sure we're ready for that? C'mon Tom!|I want to watch Bill O'Reilly.
Yeah.
Ready.
OK.
Benjamin Herbert Bellow! Were you looking|at Tara's behind? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You were! I saw you.
I was not.
Stop,|stop, stop.
Were you checking out my woman, Ben?|No! I mean, shut up.
Caught with your hand|in the cookie jar, huh? Well, I can't blame you.
That is one fine behind.
It is not.
I mean I was not.
I mean shut up! Hey, guys.
Was Ben|checking me out? Oh, for the love of Phil? You are an ass.
Well, you are the expert.
So um, how much do|you work out, Tara? Or is it genetic? Genetic? No, I bust my|ass at Aerobox.
Major calorie burner.
Oh my God.
You|know what? You should come and|try a class with me.
Well, I actually have a pretty|intensive routine myself.
It's called "Bodiez!" (DISCO FLUTE) ♪ Never trust a class with an|exclamation mark in the title.
Nice one, honey.
What, like you've ever|even been to a gym.
It's not my fault guys|don't have to work out.
Excuse me? We can be hunky in our|middle years without trying.
For once, Phil has a point.
- I mean look at Sean Connery.
|- You know what? That is such a sexist attitude.
We don't make the rules,|we just enjoy them.
We enjoy being healthy.
- So yes, Tara, I would love to join you.
|- Great.
Dammit, Phil, is that|your beer bottle? Agh! Just Leave it.
A joint account, HM.
All right.
So just a|few signatures and then you two will be joined|together in holy "matri-money".
Money.
(CHUCKLE) Get it? Anyway.
This is a very mature decision.
When I look at you kids, I think|that there is hope for the future.
And for your little|one right there.
I'm not pregnant.
Oh.
Uh.
So, this is the breakdown of|the money in the account: Tom, I took what was left|of your uncle's gift and the money from|your old paper route and your Bar Mitzvah, etc.
And it comes to a grand|total of thirty-four hundred, 25.
Nice! And Jessie's contribution|is twenty-seven fifty.
Almost three grand|Babe! Nice.
Actually.
Twenty-seven dollars|and fifty cents.
Oh.
See? I knew we weren't|ready for a joint account.
Who cares who puts in what? What's mine is yours, right? Sorry.
Thank you.
Hey, why don't we|celebrate our new account by going for a nice|juicy steak? Steak? Isn't|celebrate our new that a bit Oh no, don't worry.
It's on me.
I'll have to ask my wife,|but that sounds nice.
Jab, cross, hook! Up! Knee! Snap! Snap! Back kick! Jab! Hook! Hook! Hook! How long was this|class supposed to be? Two hours.
How much longer do we have? Two hours.
That's|just the warm-up.
Judith! Oh my God, are you OK? Am I lying down,|or are you? Guess what this is.
A really thin-crust pizza? A gift for my dad.
- A Grateful Dead album signed by Bob Weir.
|- Who's Bob Weir? Well, you know how there was|Jerry Garcia and the other guys? Uh huh.
He was one of the other guys.
Shhhhhh! Why are your sister and|my parents refugee here? They're watching a|Spanish telenovela.
How much was the album, Jess? Hopefully not as much as the|singing lessons you got your mom.
You can't put a|price on dreams.
Can you try? Fine.
It was two hundred dollars.
That's outrageous! Yeah! A little! Hector's a woman! Wait, I gotta see this.
Great work! You know something? I'm really impressed.
It's only been a week, but|you've really improved.
Yeah.
One day I may|even finish a session.
Hey! I lost a pound.
Huh.
I lost three.
Ha! What say you and I celebrate|with a post-workout cool-down? What is this some sort|of flaky "Bodiez!" thing? Yeah.
Something like that.
Two martinis, straight up, easy|on the vermouth, three olives.
You know, I don't normally|drink after a workout.
The calories are killer.
Make it two olives.
Yeah, and if that|wasn't enough, she bought me some kind|of extreme waste paper basket for a hundred and twenty bucks.
Hey, I know people who|would kill for a Trash-Slam.
Well, the woman's out|of control, Carter.
You know what's outta control,|this chick I'm seeing.
Dude, I think I'm in love.
Great.
Cause I was hoping we could|make this conversation about you.
Oh great, cause listen.
I really|want you to meet her.
Huh? Her name's Jane.
Or Jenn.
Janice? Seriously? You know, names are|just labels really.
Why are you hiding|your pin, man? Look, I know it's 8-0-0-8-5.
Boobs.
And mine is 3-5-0-0-7.
Loose.
|We're team Loose Boobs! I had to change my pin when me and|Jessie got the joint account, OK? Wait, you changed your|pin? To what? Tomsie.
Wow.
Hey, look It's like Brangelina.
But obviously much, much worse.
It was Jessie's idea.
OK? Holy crap! My account is down|six hundred bucks.
You know, I wouldn't really|worry about it, Tomsie.
The bank probably|just made a mistake.
I have a stainless steel|Trash-Slam at home that says otherwise.
Janine! Tomsie? What like, Brangelina? I know.
It was|Tom's idea.
And yet you're still|buying him concert tickets.
Your debit card's not working.
That's not possible.
My husband|and I just opened the account.
Your husband? When are you due? I'm not pregnant! Try it again.
Sorry.
Maybe the|account's been closed.
But the only person who can close|the account besides me is Your husband? You mean you're actually having sex|with a guy who comes up with Tomsie? Not anymore.
You closed our account? What was I supposed to do? Leather bound encyclopaedias|for three hundred bucks? Have you ever|heard of Wikipedia? It's called being generous.
|And they're for your father, who thinks Wikipedia is|run by Wiccans.
And what do we need new bed sheets for?|What's wrong with the old ones? They have Buzz|Lightyear on them.
Yeah, and they work, don't they? Since when did you become|such a penny pincher? Since I'm trying to|save for our future.
We're eighteen, Tom.
We have the|rest of our lives to save money.
Why not enjoy it while we can? A silver picture frame is no|my idea of enjoying money.
I bought that for you.
So you could hang your|degree when you graduate.
Oh.
OK, well that's very nice.
And what about this skirt, HM? OK, that one's for me.
What? I'm not a saint.
All I'm asking is that|you consult with me before spending my money Your money? What happened to|'what's mine is yours'? I's all mine and no yours.
That's what happened.
You won't get away|with this, Tom Bellow.
Left! Right! Right, right, right, left! Jab! Pump! Left, left left! Five o'clock class|already started.
We'll just wait for|the next one then.
I am so sorry I made us late.
Please let me make|it up to you.
Hm? Well, we have a|couple hours to kill.
All right, what'd|you have in mind? Oh my God, it's been so long|since I've had full-fat cheese.
I bet Phil doesn't|like counting calories.
Phil doesn't like counting.
I don't know if it's|the two martinis Three.
Three Martinis? Uh huh.
But I say, to hell with|trying to stay young and fit while our husbands drink beer|and poke holes in their belts.
Exactly.
It is such a double standard.
Is that really the time? Oh yeah.
I guess we better leave now if|we want to make the workout.
Although it's still rush-hour.
Might not make it there at all.
Dessert? Barkeep? Don't get me|wrong; I love Jessie.
Oh dear.
That's bad.
What? Well, you've only been|married for a month and you just prefaced "I love my|wife" with "don't get me wrong.
" Took me years to get there.
Nah, it's just I don't understand why|she has to spend my money.
I mean our money.
I mean Son, there's an old book called 'Men|Are from Mar Women Are from Venus' You read that? No, no, no.
I wouldn't|read that crap on a bet.
No, no, the only reason I have it was because|your mother got it for me as a gift.
Using our money.
So what did you do? The only thing I could do;|I put her on an allowance.
How do you and Mom deal|with the household budget? I tell her how much money I need|every week and she gives it to me.
So in a wayyou're|on an allowance.
Anyway.
I have to get back|to these bills here.
Doesn't Mom pay those? Yeah, I just have to make sure they're not addressed to|Mr.
& Mrs.
Judith Bellow.
♪ Hey.
Thanks for coming.
I came for the free juice.
I have no money, remember? I shouldn't have|closed the account.
I just want to make sure|that we have a future.
I suppose.
And a future for our children.
OK.
And our grandchildren.
Overselling.
Sorry.
Am I forgiven? You know I can't|stay mad at you.
So I guess we should|head back to the bank and re-open the account.
I have a better idea.
You wrote me a cheque|for a hundred dollars? It may not seem|like a lot of money, but if you put it to good use,|it'll last you till next week.
So you're putting|me on an allowance.
It's not an allowance.
It's a sum of money that I|allot to you for personal and general living expenses.
What? Nothing.
No, you're actually right.
I'm going to put|this to good use.
(BIG BAND SWING) ♪ The allowance wouldn't|cover new lingerie so I had to get a|hand-me-down.
It was your mother's.
Ah! (MALE SINGER) Hey little|honey, I've got the money let's blow it all ♪ Is this Spam? Oh no, the allowance|wouldn't cover Spam.
You're eating Spewm.
Hey, where's the toilet paper? Sorry, allowance|wouldn't cover it.
Hey, where's the|You'll have to use this.
To Girl Power-! To deep-fried zucchini! To taking everything|society tells us to avoid in the name of|form-fitting jeans, and telling them to stick it.
You know, the last couple|of weeks of not-working-out together has been really nice.
Even if I did gain five pounds.
What? What? You just smiled.
I didn't.
I didn't smile.
Yes, you did! You smiled when I|said that I gained five pounds.
That's crazy.
You did it again! Oh my God.
You did this on purpose.
Oh my God.
I did.
You know what? I thought that we were|finally becoming friends.
We are, we are! But when I saw Ben|looking at your assets, something in me just snapped.
Will you forgive me? I guess it wasn't|entirely your fault.
All these years of was the one|being objectified can make a girl crazy.
I can't believe that we're still|falling into these sexist traps.
'Men don't have to work|out,' 'Look at Sean Connery'.
How come they never mention|sexy older women, huh? Like Sophia Loren or|Isabella Rossellini? Exactly! God, I wish I was Italian.
All the work that|we have to do.
They have no idea|what it's like.
Maybe it's time they found out Hmm? How could you return our TV? Our TV or your TV? I seem to have lost track|of what belongs to whom.
You did this to get back at ME? No, I did this to|be responsible, You did this to|get back, just like you wanted So what did you do|with the refund? Since you're so|responsible now.
I locked it into|Five years? a five-year bond.
Oh, don't worry.
The interest will be|paid out annually.
Consider it an allowance.
This is getting good.
It's like Tom's|living in the fifties.
Mm HM? Next thing? He's gonna be calling|me "the missus".
Uh huh.
I mean, an allowance? Have you ever heard|of anything so sexist? What's this thing? Dad! Are you even listening? Jessie.
Um.
Don't get me wrong.
Cause I love you.
Oh boy.
Truth is: Tom isn't|sexist; Tom's right.
You're terrible with money.
You always have been.
What? I am not! Give me one example.
Well? It's called a piggy|bank, sweetie.
Now you can start saving money! And I'm gonna get my big|girl started right away.
For dolly.
Oh my God.
You're right.
Jessie, you are a|sweet, generous girl.
You're just bad at saving|money, that's all.
Is thatMom? Something wrong, honey? Back-stabbing,|two-timing women! That is what is wrong.
Drum circle cut off|your solo again? No, it's Judith.
What'd she do? She draped herself in|the flag of feminism just to get back at me for|having what she doesn't.
I mean, the nerve|of that woman.
You don't see me trying|to sabotage her because her house is nicer|or her grass is greener, or because her husband|is so ripped, do you? Ben's ripped? Yes.
But I don't make|her suffer for it.
Do I? Ben is ripped? Ach! That Tara! She walks around with|her odourless deodorant, her airy-fairy come-as-|you-are propaganda when she is just as|superficial as they come.
Oh ho ho.
|Amen to that.
Yeah.
I mean all she really|cares about is her tight body, her organic clothing|and her hunky husband.
Yeah, well that's|what Phil is hunky? Well, not in the|traditional sense, no.
I mean, you know, he's just|got those nice broad shoulders, those strong arms.
Hunky, you know,|like he lifts stuff.
Can I buy the counter boy a ginger zinger? Don't worry, I borrowed|it from my dad.
He and I had a little chat.
Does he hate me now, too? Actually, he defended you.
Turns out I've never|been any good with money and you were right|to be a jerk, even though you weren't because|this was totally my fault.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
Does this mean you're willing to|trust me with our money again? Can I? You can trust the fact that I|want to save enough money so we can buy a place of our|own and build a life together.
That's really sweet, Jess.
It's from the|Spanish telenovela.
But it still counts.
By the way, Tomsie is no more.
New pin? Boobs! I love it.
See, that's why I married you.
Up knee! Snap! Snap! Back kick! Jab! Hook! Lookin' good, Ben.
Really? I mean, shut up, Phil.
Up! Knee! Snap! Snap!|Back kick! Jab! Hook! Well played, Tara.
Indeed.
Ah.
Should we get a bottle? I'm in.