18 to Life s01e09 Episode Script

How does it go again? The rabbit goes under the|log and through the hole? That's for nooses.
Same result.
One just works faster.
It's gonna be great, Tom.
Do you know how many people|would kill for this interview? Yeah, but it's my dad's old law firm.
How would you like to be|known as "nepotism guy"? Well, that would be awkward,|what with the boobs and all.
I'm serious, Jess.
|I feel like the tag-along son.
It's emasculating.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You'll always be your own man.
OK, Tom.
|Let's go.
Two-for-one sale.
|Huh? Come on, Thomas; try to keep up.
This is a big opportunity.
You play your cards right, you'll|make partner in fifteen years, Eighteen if you take weekends off.
Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Ben "The Bull Dog" Bellow returns! I don't think that was|ever my nickname, Larry; I don't know where you got that.
Little Timmy Blue-Eyes.
You know, I remember when|you were in diapers.
And yet you don't remember|my name or eye colour.
Since when do office|assistants wear suits? Son.
Dress for the job you|want, not the job you have.
In that case, I should've|dressed as Batman.
OK.
|This is no joke.
You need to stay focused,|learn the trade, and make something of yourself.
Judge Bellow, it's an|honour, Your Honour, I mean it's an honour your pleasure, I mean it's a pleasure Your Honour.
And you are? I'm Andrew.
|I'm the new office assistant.
Ha.
|Not anymore.
Larry, get somebody from HR to|interview my son, will you? Gotcha.
Tom, get yourself acquainted around|here while I check my messages.
Why does everybody have|these little robots? Oh, it's the latest executive toy.
It's from Japan.
Reduces office suicides|by twenty-five percent.
Sorry, Dad.
I'm pulling a Tom.
Hey, could I have his tie? What? May.
|May I have his tie? No.
Can't we find a way that|we could be together? Is there any way that|we could be together? And oh by the way,|baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do!|Yes, I do! Why is there a mound of|cottage cheese in the sink? It's milk.
Time for a new fridge? Sometimes it just needs a little TLC.
Ah! Oh! Lukewarm pop? I'm good.
Who am I kidding? This entire kitchen needs an overhaul.
Maybe it doesn't need an|overhaul so much as a facelift.
Yeah.
|I know how it feels.
Unfortunately your father-in-law|thinks that all home contractors are thieves and pirates.
Seriously, pirates.
|He actually used the word.
You don't buy a home,|Judith, you make it.
And this is something|we can do ourselves.
Ha, I don't know, Jessie.
Oh come on, let me contribute.
I can do up a few sketches.
They'll be totally professional.
I am in design school.
Well, OK.
That would be cute.
I mean great.
Great.
That would be great! I thought I was about to get whacked.
What, are you mixed up with the mob? What are you doing here, Tom? I can't face my dad.
|I can't face my wife.
Cause I just quit my job|before I even started.
You did the right thing.
Look at me; I work in|my boxers half the time and I do pretty well.
What does a guy do|without pants, anyway? Wait.
|No, I don't want to know.
Let's just say I'm in sales.
Hey, now that you've stepped|out of the rat race, maybe you wanna give your ol'|father-in-law a hand? Hm? Me?|Uh, I don't know if- No worries.
Guess there's no reason to|cut you in for fifty percent of online sales then.
Fifty percent? That would make me a partner.
What are we selling? Please hold.
Hm? Oh.
Dream-catchers.
It's not about what you sell, Tom,|it's about how you spin it.
This isn't a dream-catcher It's a "web-based motivational tool".
And as of today, yours truly has|secured a high-level position in sales, with flex-time|and a cool boss.
Well.
You've been busy since you|soiled the family name this morning.
Sorry about the law firm.
|But this is more up my alley.
Oooh.
|Tom has an alley now.
Ben, just be happy he|found a job selling What exactly are you selling, Tom? Whatever it is sounds flaky to me.
Who is this boss of yours anyways? What does he do? What kind of an idiot does flex time? Opportunities are what you make them.
Speaking of opportunities,|have you had a chance to check out my sketches yet? What kind of sketches are these? Oh, um, Jessie's had some|wonderful ideas for the kitchen, but um, money's a|little tight, isn't it? Oh.
|Yeah.
Yeah, a little low on the lettuce.
Maybe Tom can fund it, huh? He's selling what is it? "web-based motivational tools Ah, my dad making fun of me.
Never gets old.
|Or funny.
It'd help if he knew|what you were selling.
Please tell me you know|what you're selling.
Why can't he just trust me? How do you think I feel? I spend all day sketching|plans and your mom doesn't even glance at them.
I saw your drawings and if it was up to|me, you'd be designing the whole place.
Ah! Can you imagine?|Me re-designing the place and you funding it.
Yeah, for once we'd call the shots,|rule the roost, get some respect! Is that a fruit loop in your hair? Ah.
I had a snack.
I have a good feeling about this, Jess.
|Me.
too.
I bet tomorrow those phones|will be ringing off the hook.
Did it just vibrate? I don't think so.
In the last three hours, I have|sold exactly one dream-catcher, and I'm pretty sure he thought|he was buying a sex toy.
Tried that.
|Doesn't work.
What are you doing? Corporate strategizing.
Really.
That's funny,|'cause it looks a lot like you're throwing in the towel.
What's gotten into you? I'm trying to be your top sales guy, but this is like selling wrist|watches to Highlanders.
They're immortal.
They still have to keep appointments.
That's a good point.
Where did you score|these things anyways? I wouldn't call it a "score"|so much as a "bailout.
" Look, here's what happened: Tara|made these back in the day.
We tried to sell them at folk|fests but they were a bust.
I felt so bad I started buying|up the inventory in secret.
So we're selling merchandise|rejected by hippies? You can't tell her I told you.
Too late.
Look at you with the spare key.
Well, it was nice knowing you.
All right, I'm an assbag.
That would be a discredit|to bags of ass.
Buying my dream-catchers|behind my back.
That is the most despicable,|manipulative, callous and the sweetest thing|that you have ever done.
And if you ever lie to|me like that again, I'll sew your nuts to your forehead.
What's up? I just saw first-hand what|happens when a husband and wife aren't honest with each other.
I'm late for class.
|You have five minutes.
It's about my boss.
He's broke.
He's in jail.
He's dead? He's your dad.
OK, that I did not see coming.
Oh, it gets worse.
He somehow conned me into|selling dream-catchers.
"Web-based motivational tools.
How could I not have seen it! My mom used to make crates|of these stupid things.
It's official.
|I've hit rock bottom.
At least you have a job.
My kitchen plans are toast.
First of all, toast is|crunchy and delicious.
And second, if it were up to me, I'd invest everything I have in you.
You already did.
And if anyone can sell those|skanky nets, it's you.
I'm late for class.
Good luck, Tom.
Maybe these dream-catchers|will catch some green.
It's called a greencatcher.
Now, given recent market turmoil, investors are clinging|to superstition.
The idea of the dream-catcher|is good, but the payoff is not.
People don't want dreams.
They want cold, hard cash.
They want the lettuce;|they want the green.
Lucky pennies.
Nice.
Tom, these are sacred|spiritual symbols that- We'll make you CEO.
- that could use an update.
I like it.
Question is, where do we market them? I know it's just a prototype,|but tell me one of these babies wouldn't look great|hanging off your desk? Yeah, it's cute, Timmy, but I'm kind|of attached to my DeskRobot there.
Me too.
|I've named mine Rodney.
Sorry, kiddo.
I know we all want to find the|next great business idea, but it's really|just a pipe dream.
They're all the rage in Japan.
I got a cheap read|I got chemistry I got imaginary vocabulary âI got battle scars|I got smokey bars Sale!|Ha ha! What's this? Say hello to your new eco-fridge.
Top of the line.
Uh, heh heh.
I'm confused.
Who's paying for this exactly? It's on me, Dad.
Mom liked Jessie's ideas, but you were a little|'low on the lettuce', so I took care of it.
OK.
None of those syllables are|making sense to me right now.
You know that business I|was telling you about? It's kinda taking off.
Phil and I are projecting|six figures by fall.
Phil?! You're working for Phil now? With, Dad.
|With.
Phil.
As in, gets-lost-on-the-|way-to-the-car Phil? We just landed purchase orders|from three major retailers.
Enjoy the fridge, Dad.
No freezer on this fridge.
It's on the bottom.
Oh yeah.
That's clever.
OK, what's he up to now? I'm sorry? Your husband has|apparently roped my son into some sort of a pyramid scheme, or a Ponzi scheme or|I don't know what, some kind of "scheme".
He's not my husband, he's my lover.
And Phil happens to be an|excellent businessman.
What could your "lover"|possibly know about business? Good God! We're talking exclusive|rights to Drop'n'Save then.
Heh heh heh.
We'll have the prototype|sent over ASAP.
What's up, Ben? I mean, besides my bottom line.
And my underpants.
I can't accept this.
Yes, you can! If Tom even closes ten|percent of his projected sales, we can pay for it in cash.
I do like the crisper.
I even like saying crisper.
"Crisper".
And imagine: milk you won't|have to eat with a fork.
Tom, can you afford this? Sky's the limit, Mom.
These green-catchers are gold.
Oh! Idea for a spin-off|product: Gold-catchers.
Besides, Jessie's|really talented.
She deserves a crack at this.
You think you know what|to do with my kitchen? Well, given that both you and|Ben are strong personalities with a timeless sensibility, I was leaning towards|a classic aesthetic with an overlay of arts and crafts.
Can I get another|look at your designs? Do I look like|I'm new at this? Well.
Yeah, I know you can't see me.
But if you want exclusive|rights to the green-catchers, you're gonna have to put|up some more green.
Ah.
Some people.
Phil.
Come on, we need more prototypes.
Maybe manufacturing can|whip up a few more? You mean Tara? She took off, dude.
Never seen so her so excited.
About what? Spending our money.
She's donating enough|to single-handedly save the Malaysian Giant Turtle.
Wow.
|How many are left? Just one.
|The Malaysian Giant Turtle.
Maybe we should go easy|on advance expenditures.
You know, we haven't signed|any of the actual agreements.
Chill, buddy.
Even 10% get inked, we|are swimming in gravy.
Yeah, I'm just saying|anything could happen.
You know, my dad always taught|me "Be wary of the fast buck.
" And I'm teaching you to|trust the fast buck.
Invite it into your home, and|let it date your sister.
Pedal to the metal!|Grr! And with contrasting|finishes on our frames, we'll create strong lines|grounded in form and function.
Wow.
And here I thought Tom|was the ideas man.
Well, you know what they say, behind every smart man|is a smarter woman.
OK.
|So.
I see you ladies are|sitting on the couch.
A much, much smarter woman.
Oh my.
The beam? Oh!|I have to have it.
I have to have it now.
That's a little more than a facelift.
And on-the-job-training is|what separates decorators from actual designers, sweetie.
Besides, I thought you wanted|to contribute something.
Oh.
These are the wrong tiles.
Yes, but Marblox looks identical|to marble and it's half the price.
And quality is priceless, Jessie.
A home isn't bought,|it's made, remember? And I'm making mine out of marble.
Oh my God!|What is that? What's what, Ma'am? We said chocolate, not mocha! Oh.
Now how do we tie in the island? Jessie, bring me my color samples.
STAT.
OK! Your mom sure is excited about|the whole kitchen thing.
I just didn't realize that her|tastes were quite so upscale.
Well, good thing she hired|the right woman for the job.
Ooh, recessed lighting.
Wouldn't that look great|over the new island? Well, I'm not paying for it.
I know, dear.
Tom is.
You know? It's gonna cost more|than the initial quote even with me as contractor, so I understand if you|want to pull the plug.
Really?|So you can't do it? No, no, I can do it.
But I understand if|you want to hold off.
Why would I want to hold off? Pedal to the metal, baby.
Paying for it is one thing,|flaunting it is another.
The way he's strutting|around in his skivvies.
They're called boxers.
And I say whatever works.
He's making a lot of|people very happy.
You look smokin' hot|in that hairdo, babe.
The best money can buy.
What happened to the turtle? The turtle can wait.
I'm late for the carpenters.
Go get 'em, hot shot.
You betcha! Listen, you've gotta go deep, throw|long, and stick the landing! It's the bottom of the ninth,|we're five strokes over par and I don't like the looks|of that Russian judge.
I have no idea what your|son's talking about.
All I know is I need my nap.
Well, Tom should be able to|give you a demo on that.
The boy doesn't know what work is.
You hear me? Those phones aren't|gonna call themselves.
You need to stay focused.
You know? Learn the trade,|make something of yourself.
Heh heh heh.
All right.
Well, taken a page from|the Bellow handbook, huh? Is that uh, Hugo Boss? You like?|Jessie picked it up for me.
Ahah.
Dress for the job you want, huh? Well, exactly.
No more cheapo two-for-ones for me.
Phil and I are going big-time.
See you later, Pops.
Huh.
Everything is fresh.
I love my new fridge.
Ben?|I thought you left for work! It's after ten.
Aren't you due in court? What's the point? This is the stupidest|thing I've ever seen.
I love you, Wendy.
Gentlemen, lady? The wait is over.
Your Green-catchers have arrived! Oh, right.
Uh, did we forget to|cancel that order? Cancel? Well, this is awkward.
"The Wealth Cactus? Wealth Cactus, yeah.
They're all the rage in Korea.
Which, as everyone knows,|is the new Japan.
Hey uh.
|Please don't take my job, K? I just got a name plate.
OK.
So I'm thinking it should|start from the north wall.
And cross at a sexy diagonal|into the living room? You're the boss.
Guess we've come full circle.
You're not on the phone.
It's over, dude.
I know.
I just got a sneak-preview|of the "Wealth Cactus.
" We got outplayed by a house plant.
Yeah, and we've had|some cancellations.
How many? Um|all of them.
It's OK, I'll create a new campaign.
We'll come at this from|a different angle.
That's the least of our worries.
Apparently, and this is kinda|funny if you think about it, it's a "federal offence"|to deface currency.
So what now? We're gonna need a good lawyer.
It's bad, Jess.
I know.
So you heard about the charges? Charges? What's important is that|we're together, right? Right.
Yeah, and I'm sure|we'll find a way to pay for the latest developments.
Developments? Apparently, and this is kind of|funny if you think about it, there's something called|a "load-bearing wall".
At least|no one got hurt.
Tell that to the eco-fridge.
OK.
I made a few calls and I|got the charges dismissed.
But even with the|refund on Tom's suit, we're still going to be short|eight grand.
How do you expect Tom and Jessie to|come up with that kind of dough? I'm not an|unreasonable man so I'm willing to work out a|rotating chore payout system.
You know, weeding, laundry,|dinner with Judith's mother.
With a little elbow grease you|should be able to pay us back in fifteen years.
Eighteen if you take weekends off.
OK then.
Tom? Yeah, Dad? There was a moment back there|during your little adventure.
Somewhere buried amidst the|reckless decision-making, unbridled arrogance, and really|just flat-out stupidity where was I going with this? Oh, right.
There was a moment|there when you were well, impressive.
So.
Why are you still here? Going.
I just hope I've inhaled|enough paint fumes to erase the whole|ordeal from my memory.
I'm sorry.
|It was all my fault.
Nope.
|Me again.
It just felt so good, you know? For one shining nanosecond,|we were actually independent.
Yeah, it'll happen for real someday.
And when it does Your dad is so mowing our lawn.
Bingo.
I just - I hope it happens|before we're thirty.
Don't worry.
I have a feeling we|might be outta here sooner than you think.