18 to Life s01e11 Episode Script

In Sickness and in Health

Tom, are you ready? We're gonna miss the opening band.
Why? Who's the opening band? I don't know.
Some group I've never heard of.
I'm cold.
Are you cold? No.
But then I'm wearing a shirt.
Yeah, yeah.
I got sweaty; took it off.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you OK? I'm fine.
Got a little something in the back of my throat.
OK, so get some water.
And dinner tasted weird.
And my feet are clammy.
You get clammy feet? Only when I'm getting sick.
Oh crap.
I'm getting sick.
Maybe we should just stay home.
No, no.
You've been looking forward to this concert for like a month.
Oh please.
There'll be other concerts.
Yeah, but not with your fourth favourite band and that other group.
Well, Carter and Ava are waiting.
And I wouldn't want to disappoint them.
OK.
Love you.
Bye! I forgot my purse.
Can't we find a way that we could be together? Is there any way that we could be together? And oh by the way, baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Sub made possible by AdrianoCSI Look at this.
We got the Hills' mail mixed in with ours again.
So just bring it over to Phil.
It's bad enough I have to live next to the guy, now I've got to deliver his mail as well? Might as well give him a sponge bath while I'm at it.
How do you go from "Hi, here's your mail" to "Hello, want a sponge bath?" To hell with him.
I'm keeping his car wash coupon.
Ha ha.
That can't be right.
Hm? No, it is.
They have Lyle Lovett stamps now for some reason.
No, no, no.
It's from MENSA.
The intellectual society.
Phil's getting mail from MENSA? So? So Phil can't be getting mail from MENSA.
I'm a judge and I'm not in MENSA.
Phil's just a whatever the hell Phil is.
I guess anything's possible.
No it's not.
Clearly it's a mix up.
Yeah, see, that's what I thought about the Lyle Lovett stamps at first, but then: no.
Morning.
Morning.
You look tired.
I didn't sleep.
Something keeping you up? More like someone.
Tom was up all night coughing and blowing his nose.
Tom is sick? A little.
I'm sure it's just- Step aside; I'm on it.
The orange juice has pulp but I can strain that out.
All right.
Let's see.
I've got Tom's favourite nose drops.
We'll just have to find that new digital thermometer.
Very accurate.
Goes right in his ear.
Tom has favourite nose drops? Oh God, I have to call my dentist.
I was supposed to have a root canal but obviously that's going to have to wait.
Soup! I came as soon as I heard.
Sweet.
My favourite nose drops.
Do you have to do that out here? My porch, my rules.
Yeah.
I got some of your mail mixed in with ours again.
Ah, thanks! I couldn't help but notice you got a letter from MENSA there.
Yeah.
Trying to rope me into speaking at the next meeting.
So you are a member.
Six years.
Why, aren't you? No.
Not as of yet.
Really? Yeah.
Wow.
And you're a judge.
Hey, honey.
Ben brought us mail.
Agh! Damn mailman.
Tara's having a bit of a war with the carrier.
He started it.
Can't you read? Of course I can't read because I'm just a mailman.
Don't be obtuse.
You know what I'm talking about.
Oh, so now I'm illiterate and obtuse.
Although I don't know what obtuse means because I'm just a stupid mailman.
I'll just go and bone up on this ow! You did dig your nails into his arm.
Could've been a dog bite.
He can't prove a thing.
I've got it.
It's a different kind of MENSA, isn't it? Some sort of a non-profit organization that recycles shoes into rope or rope into shoes or some such thing or Right? See you, Ben.
You should have seen Tom's mom.
She was like Wonder Woman.
Except instead of the Lasso of Truth, she had a serving tray.
Yeah, why does Superman get to shoot lasers out of his eyes and all Wonder Woman gets is a rope? Stay with me, Ava.
Right.
So you justyou left him alone with his mother? Don't get me wrong; I love Tom to death.
I'm just not that good around sick people.
Germaphobe? No.
I just find them irritating.
Aw, that's sweet.
You think I'm a horrible person.
No, no.
I think you lack the nursemaid gene.
Nursemaid gene? Yeah.
Some people have it; some people don't.
It's like curly hair or an extra toe.
Oh.
Well, Tom's mother has it.
Huh.
What? You don't like this shirt? Jess, this is a territory issue.
You let her take over now and pretty soon she'll be folding your laundry.
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
What? Linen wrinkles.
Just to be fair, she did have an invisible jet.
Huh? Wonder woman.
Oh, we're back on that? Ah.
There we go.
I don't think you can join MENSA on-line.
I know that, Wendy.
I'm just taking the sample test here to prove that- For fun.
For fun; just for fun.
Ben, let it go.
Just because Phil's in MENSA doesn't make him any smarter than you.
Actually It does.
Of course, he's not smarter.
It's just that questions are too easy.
Here.
Look.
"If it were two hours later, it would be half as long until midnight as it would be if it were an hour later.
What time is it now?" Time for a harder question.
Achoo! That's great, Tom! Why don't you just walk around and lick everybody? What are you doing out of bed? Jessie thought maybe we should go for a walk.
Yeah, you know.
Get some fresh air.
Stretch his legs.
That is so sweet, Jessie.
Seriously, Tom.
Don't be an idiot! You'll catch your death out there! Maybe you're right.
Listen, you get back upstairs and I'm gonna make you some nice hot tea.
Oooh, chamomile? "Apple is to pear as potato is to Oh God.
We had a harder time getting into our country club.
Anti-semite bastards.
Hey! Hey! Excuse me! Wait a minute! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
These aren't mine.
They're the Wongs.
They live three blocks down the road.
You're gonna want to keep that address because that's where all your mail is.
What is your problem? I just don't like your type.
High society, nose in the air.
Always thinking you're better than everybody else.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
I am not high society.
I happen to be against junk mail because it's environmentally unsound.
And for your information, I am very pro-union.
Oooh.
Mmm.
Pro-union.
Oh, friend of the working man! Hey everybody! Norma Rae over here! Norma Rae! And you know what? Don't think I didn't see the pages of my Harper's missing! Why would I take them? I can't read, remember? Oh! Jesus! Maybe you can try another tactic.
What? Hit him with a shovel? No.
Do something nice.
Kill him with kindness.
Oh.
So we're passing on the shovel idea, are we? Can I ask you guys something? When I was a kid and I got sick, did you, like, go nuts over me? No.
You never got sick.
Really? That doesn't sound right.
Yeah, no; it's true.
You only ate organic; your immune system was impenetrable.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
I'm sure I remember getting colds.
You did, but I took care of you.
Your mother's a very loving person, Jess; she's just not very good around sickness.
Ah! She was born without the nursemaid gene, right? No.
It's just how she's wired.
You make it sound like she has an extra toe or something.
Ah, Jessie.
You're just in time.
For what? Oh, your father thinks he's so MENSA.
We'll see how MENSA he is.
I MENSA'd the hell out of this.
"Would you like your results?" No, I want the hockey scores.
Of course, I want my results.
There we go.
That can't be right.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
What are you looking at? Hm? Hey, baby.
I just got back from a nice long walk and I think I have an idea of how we can make you feel better.
Shhh.
Don't wake him.
I just got him off to sleep.
These Vitamin C packets will clear you right up.
It's concentrated.
Mom already gave me like a gallon of orange juice.
Which is loaded with sugar.
What would you rather have, a cold or diabetes? Are those my only options? Chicken soup is ready.
Oh.
Mom already made a batch.
Did you try it? It's fantastic.
This is better than homemade.
How so? Because it says so on the box, sweetie.
Now.
Have some of this and in a couple of hours you'll be on your feet and back to- Well hello, Judith.
Jessie.
I see you have your tray.
Tom said he was hungry.
Well, I can take it from here.
Oh.
It's no trouble.
No really, I insist.
It's my pleasure.
You've done enough.
Well, perhaps we should let Tom decide.
I'm afraid Tom is delirious due to dangerously high blood sugar.
What is that supposed to mean? Guys, guys! It's not a competition.
The important thing is that I get better.
That's right.
Hey, Ben.
Ben! How'd it go? How did what go? The MENSA test.
Jessie mentioned you were gonna take it.
Oh.
It was great.
Oh yeah? What was your score? You cheated, didn't you? Huh? You are one big fat cheating cheater and you cheated.
Oh.
You didn't pass, dude.
Now that is seriously bogus.
I'm fine.
If it makes you feel any better that on-line test isn't a really good barometer anyway.
It's not? Nah.
The real test is quite a bit harder actually.
But forget about the stupid test! Maybe I could pull some strings.
I could make some calls.
Be great to have a buddy in the club, huh? God, you are one arrogant son of a bitch! I got all your favourites.
Maxim, Details, Rolling Stone.
Hey, they have an article with the guy on the postage stamp.
Check it out, Tomcat.
I got you all the SAW movies, plus the first season of Robot Chicken.
Oh, thanks baby.
That's so thoughtful.
Too bad he doesn't have a DVD player in here.
It was on sale.
I was gonna get you Blu-ray but I didn't want to spoil you.
Oh, you guys are so awesome! I don't know what to say.
Actually I'm feeling a little sleepy.
If you don't mind.
Oh.
No.
You sleep tight, Tiger.
He prefers Tomcat.
Hey, Carter.
Yeah, it's me.
Dude, you would not believe the thing I've got going on over here.
What's this? A peace offering.
You did? I made you a carrot cake.
I thought we could just put this whole misunderstanding behind us.
Oh, I get it.
Now I'm supposed to carry this cake around for the rest of the day.
Oh yeah, that's very funny.
No, I mean, I thought you could just you know, put it in your truck or something.
I haven't been assigned a truck.
Hm? Only the top guys get trucks.
But you probably already knew that, didn't you? Didn't you! Mail.
Do you know what I just noticed? That guy's kind of defensive.
And remember it's two drops in each nostril.
He'll try to get three but you stand firm.
I stop by to say hello and you put me to work? Is it going to kill you to take something up to your sick brother? I don't like seeing him when he's healthy.
Go! Worried about Tom? No, he'll be fine.
It's Jessie.
Sometimes I think she's trying to take over from me.
Well, she is his wife.
I know.
But where does that leave his mother? Well.
You'll always have me to take care of.
Well, that's different.
You're self-sufficient.
Oh, am I? Thanks to Phil, I'm now having trouble understanding a Family Circus cartoon.
It's not you.
It's the cartoon.
Thanks for that.
Well, don't worry.
You'll always be Tom's mother.
And you'll always be the smartest man in the neighbourhood.
Who isn't in MENSA.
Try Marmaduke; it's easier.
No, I'm gonna say dying your pubes blue is an awful idea.
So he thought the raccoon was attacking when it was actually humping his leg? Dude, that's hilarious! Nah, I would love to play ball but I can't leave the house.
Unless What if I faked a doctor's appointment? Too much? I gotta go.
I'll buy you a nice bottle of wine.
You're underage.
Non-alcoholic? What do you want, Monica? Hey, Ben.
You want some carrot cake? What's that? Some sort of smart joke I'm not supposed to understand? No.
It'scarrot cake.
Trying to pawn that off on you now, huh? I hate those people! Ha! Tell me about it.
They think they're so smart.
Oh, they think they're better than everyone else; am I right? Exactly! Hey.
I'm Ben, by the way.
Donald.
Nice to meet you.
I like the cut of your jib, there Donald.
You don't judge me.
So what do you do, Ben? I'm a judge but, listen, if you're done your route would you like to join me in a good single malt? Well.
No, but I could sure use a beer if you know what I mean.
Oh.
Even better! Right this way, my good man.
You know I got him a heating pad.
An electric heating pad? Not very environmentally conscious.
Yeah, well, neither is wasting water.
Hey Monica, where did you get that DVD player? Tom gave it to me in exchange for keeping my mouth shut.
Mouth shut about what? Pretending to be sick.
Oops.
Ah, beer.
Ha! Simple and unpretentious.
You know what goes great with beer? Hm? Honey pretzels.
Pretzels! Ha, I love it! Yeah.
So you just carry these things around in your bag? Gotta keep carbed up, you know.
This job is not as easy as it looks, huh? Oh, it looks plenty hard to me.
Dogs, traffic, bad weather.
Oh yeah, the cats.
Really! Yeah, no one expects the cats.
No, I wouldn't have.
Yeah, they jump out of the trees, claw you right on your back.
No kidding! So many things you've got to worry about.
Oh, but worst of all.
Stuck up jerks.
Cheers! What's going on? We're taking you to the hospital.
I'm sorry, what? We have to think of the family, Tom.
I just spoke to the doctor and he says you may have a virus that's going around.
What kind of virus? C29F? I don't know.
There were lots of numbers and letters.
There may have been an animal in there, too.
Don't you worry; it's just a precaution.
Yeah, but if there's a bad virus going around, aren't you supposed to stay away from the hospital? Whatever.
I'm sure it's nothing to be alarmed about.
I'm better.
I mean I am better now.
Just now.
This morning.
Yesterday morning.
I really was sick.
I'm just feeling better.
Now.
Prepare to start feeling worse.
The ranger says, "That's not a canoe, but you can keep paddling.
" Oh, Donald; you're a delight.
All right! That's enough.
I know what you're doing, Ben.
Uh oh.
What is it exactly I'm supposed to be doing? You're hanging out with him just to infuriate me.
Classic Tara, huh? Yeah.
It's all about her.
For your information, Your Highness, I'm hanging with Donald here because he gets me.
He's an average ordinary Joe.
Pardon me? You know what I mean.
Hey, you're judging me.
What? He's judging me! Sure sounds like it.
Well, for your information, I just happen to have rich and varied interests.
I'm sure you do.
I just meant- Oh, let me apologize for Ben, Donald.
He's a bit of an elitist.
Oh! OK.
Well, screw you! Don't listen to her, Donald.
Come on! See you later, honey.
Where are you going? I've got that MENSA meeting tonight.
Holy crap, I forgot all about it.
Hey.
Could I get a lift with you? What? Oh! Hey! I always thought I recognized you.
Boom chugga! Boom chugga! Boom chugga! Boom chugga! MMMMMMMMENSA! See you up front.
All righty.
Be careful with that; it's linen.
Yoo hoo! Ooh, lemonade! It's for Jessie.
Aw, thanks, Judith.
I'll bring the tray down when I'm done.
Actually, I've been thinking and I want you to have it.
A passing of the tray, if you will.
Thank you.
It means a lot.
Take good care of him.
OK, I don't care if you catch the plague, we are not using a tray with a "choo-choo" on it.
His name'sTopper.
Really? I brought you some soup and your favourite nose drops.
Oh, thank you, honey.
And your favourite magazines: The Economist, National Review, Neck Tie Aficionado.
Oh, it's a new one.
Thank you.
You don't happen to have a handgun as well, do you? Oh, cheer up.
I have some good news.
Hm? Wendy took the online MENSA test.
And she failed, right? Uh yeah.
That's too bad.
You're not just saying that to make me feel better, right? Oh.
You are so smart.
Uh when you say smart Genius! Your source for subs:)