18 to Life s02e04 Episode Script

I Do and I Don't

Self-administered breathalyser doesn't work, dude.
Trust me.
Damned Kapowski's, always pushing the extra onions.
Do you have any gum? I got "Rain", "Iceberg" and "Shock".
Anything in the mint family? Just give me the "Shock".
Date night.
Nothing says romance like Burger Hut drive-through, huh? It was a one-time thing, OK? And we had a coupon.
Date night, you may be interested in hearing, is a revered tradition among those of us who possess a marriage certificate.
Also among those of us who don't use possessives like "wife".
Oooh! Clever, Phil.
Turning a fear of commitment into a feminist issue.
My beef with marriage is more of a guy thing.
Yeah? I'd love to hear about it as soon as you finish your next novel.
On second thought, no.
Let's have that now.
OK.
A relationship is like a coffin: You can lie in one comfortably.
You can even close the lid.
But once you've drilled that lid shut, you are screwed.
Oh, hey Tara! Those are beautiful pansies.
I can't believe you, Phil! This whole time, I think that we are marching to the beat of our own drummer, when in actual fact, you were just afraid to commit.
Hey, babe.
You know you're the only one for me.
Prove it.
Excuse me? Marry me.
That is, if you're man enough to propose.
Heh, heh.
You'd just say no.
Fine.
"Will you marry me?" Sure.
How's Saturday? That, my friend, is screwed.
Can't we find a way that we could be together? Is there any way that we could be together? And oh by the way, baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo Bike courier.
The sideburns say barista.
OK, this one's a toughie.
The shirt says business major but the moustache says porn star.
I'm going with an MBA undergrad with a fetish for women's underwear.
Well, you know.
Don't knock it till you try it.
Right? Did you just say what I think you said? OK, this is crazy, but this girl I'm seeing? Jolene or Charlene.
Something "ene".
Well, she dares me to wear her skivvies.
Skivvies are for dudes.
Drawers.
Dudes.
Scrunchies? That's like this, it's hair.
OK, the point is, I gave 'em a go.
Played a little b-ball, in her tighty-whities.
Still dudes.
OK.
Can we get past the archaic labels? What I'm saying is, I wore the panties.
And you know what? Kind of hot.
Where were we? What do you want, Phil? Tara's serious.
She actually wants to get married.
Well, Phil? Has it ever occurred to you that this just may be the universe's way of getting you to right a wrong? Don't be sanctimonious.
This is your fault.
Hey.
You dug the hole.
I just supplied the shovel.
So what am I supposed to do? You're supposed to buck up and be a man.
I'll give you dozens of reasons why a government- sanctioned partnership is the way to go.
Which I'd love to hear, once you make the supreme court.
On second thought, let's have it.
Uh, a single surname streamlines paper-work, for one.
Going through customs is a breeze.
Ditto car insurance, health benefits, hotel bookings.
But the best reason of all come on Tax breaks.
Hi, Judith.
How's the golf swing? That's what our marriage means to you, Ben? Tax breaks? Well, to be honest, you missed the part about the hotel bookings and the car insurance.
Honey! You had me at streamlined paperwork.
Adios.
We only hurt the ones we love.
Nothing can spoil my good mood.
Did you win your celebrity death pool? Not every joy in life comes at the expense of others.
Wow, even saying that sounds funny.
OK, look.
I met someone.
And don't ask who; I don't want to jinx it.
But you live to spill.
Yeah, we know about all the other guys.
Oh, remember the guy who tattooed his mother's face on his belly? I told you about the tattoo in confidence.
You posted it on Facebook.
Was I talking to you? Come on! Spill, baby, spill! Carter, dot t get your tighty-whities in a bunch.
Or should I say, panties.
OK, who's next? I knew Ava was seeing someone.
You don't get that kind of glow from yoga.
We're on Ava and her mystery boy-toy.
Feel free to chime in.
I can't believe you told Jessie about the panties.
I didn't know she would talk.
That was in the vault under the Guy Code.
You're still a guy, right? Doesn't marriage supersede the Guy Code? It won't happen again.
This is it happening again.
Remember when you told everyone I was in a boy band? That was an intervention.
Ever since you got married, you always pull this kinda thing.
I'm sorry, OK? We'll go shoot some pool, my treat.
I'm-I'm busy.
I thought we were hanging out.
I have to study.
OK.
Saturday, we'll catch a flick.
I think we need a break.
What, are we dating? I've got a lot of stuff going on these days.
I'll text you.
What are you reading? Just some guy stuff, heh heh.
There's a frilly wedding dress on the cerer.
What kind of guys have you been hanging out with? Do you think it's weird that your mother and I aren't married and you are? Well, I'm also on the college volleyball team, but I don't expect to see you guys at tryouts.
Why are you asking? You're getting married? Is this some kind of relationship band-aid? Are you guys breaking up? Please tell me you're not breaking up! OK.
Nobody is getting married.
I wouldn't be caught dead in a sexist trap.
No offence.
None taken.
So what's going on? Your father's started taking me for granted, so I thought I would teach him a lesson.
The minute he says "I do", I'll say "I don't".
And then we'll go back to our regularly scheduled programming.
But that's so mean.
You'll understand someday.
I kind of hope I don't.
Oh.
This stays between us, right? Mm hm.
What're you working on, hon? You know, it turns out you were right.
Do you know how much this marriage has saved us in taxes? Forty-seven thousand dollars.
You would think.
But factor in the kids, amortize it over 22 years and we're close to 56,275 dollars.
Oooh! Stop it with that dirty talk; You're driving me crazy.
I can't believe Carter broke up with me.
I can't believe my mom's dragging my dad to the altar.
We're on me here, Jess.
I got dumped by a dude.
What do girls do in this situation? Get our hair done and go shopping for purses.
There is this pretty sweet man-bag I've been looking at.
Just talk to him, Tom.
Guy's don't talk.
That's easy for you to say; You got me into this mess.
How many times do I have to apologize? I'm sorry Carter's such a perv.
That's not an apology.
And you violated the marriage code.
We're supposed to be able to tell each other anything and it stays in the vault.
OK, you're right.
If you want to win Carter back, you've got to woo him.
Do everything you did to me, minus the foot-rubs and the heavy petting.
I'd rather just get the man-bag.
So what have you got on the mother-daughter code versus the father-daughter code? Oh, Dad.
OK.
Technically, I am not supposed to say anything about this, but Four words.
First word sounds like gum, rum, dim sum! Mom! Mom! The first word's Mom! She's going to say no! Oh, crap.
The engagement is a sham.
Victory is mine.
So have you come here to gloat? Or merely steal my pretzels, as usual? A little from column A, a little from column B.
So I suppose you have your next move mapped out.
Excuse me? Tara's clearly manipulating you.
This is your chance to turn the tables.
Talk to me.
She challenged you to man up, right? I say you show her a pair of cojones big enough to have their own moons.
Give her the marriage bells and whistles and then some.
Which would give me enough brownie points to last until retirement.
But what do I know about marriage? You gotta help me.
Negative on that one.
What about the Guy Code? I need you, man.
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
I would do anything for love Anything you've been dreaming of But I just won't do that.
That's my favourite.
OK.
By far.
The mocha; I love the mocha.
You have to try this.
I can get it.
Aw come on.
Come on.
But I won't do that! No, not here! Not here! God! I would do anything for love You know it's true.
What are you doing I saw it in a movie.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Can you just forgive me already? I'll tell you what.
I have at my disposal the ultimate piece of gossip.
We're talking brain-melting.
And if you can keep it under wraps, you're forgiven.
Done.
That chick I'm seeing? It's not Jolene.
It's Ava.
Hey, guys.
What's new? There's a 24-hour chapel Why are you so nervous? I'm not nervous.
You got something to tell me? I was missing a pair of underwear this morning.
No, nothing! So how long is this going to take? Oh! Spoken like a true romantic.
Don't worry, I'll have Tara reject your sorry ass before Jeopardy starts Here.
Here's your vows.
I, Phil Hill, take thee, Tara Merker, to have and to hold, to encourage and inspire, to pick you up when you fall, to listen to your dreams, to hold you when you cry To love you when when uh When you're sad or angry because I got it, bro.
Because without the dark, there is no light, and without you erere is no me.
Why are you crying? My marriage is a tax write-off.
So, Phil, do you take Tara as your wife or what? I I do.
And Ta M Merker, do you take Phil Hilasas your husband? I do.
Yodon'n't.
She does She did? OhOh boy.
What the hell happened back there? She was supposed to say "I don't!" I don't know! Ask your wife! You have to undo this.
A verbal affirmative between two consenting adults is legally binding.
Say I was drunk.
Say we're related.
Say I'm insane.
There's nothing I can do about it, even if two out of those three are true.
Why in the hell would she want to marry me? Maybe she wants half the trampoline.
We don't have a trampoline.
Then I have no idea.
Out.
Just a little repair job.
Go back to sleep, babe.
Note to self.
No more nacho-flavoured pork rinds before bed.
RHYTHM GUITAR AND TAMBOURINE You look like a million bucks.
I thought I was more in the five-figure area.
For God's sake, can we please get past this? That money's for both of us.
It is, isn't it? I can't believe my parents decided to tie the knot so late in life.
You think you know people.
What's with you? Have you talked to Ava recently? Ach.
She can't shut up about her new squeeze toy.
Apparently, he cries during sex.
Is that weird? If the Guy Code trumps the Mother-Daughter code, and the Marital Code trumps the Guy Code, what trumps the Marital Code? Or is it the Neighbour Code that's most important, especially one with global perspective who doesn't know any of the key players.
Yes, a loophole! OK, this isn't going to mean anything to you CARTER-AND-AVA HOOKED-UP! That's good.
But so soon after Ava dumped Tony? I can't wait to tell Wendy and Monica.
You sure slept late.
I had a bit of a rough night.
Were you humming? I suppose I was.
If this is married-people food, count me in.
I can't believe I'm wearing this thing un-ironically.
I can't believe you're my Go ahead; you can say it.
I'll get it.
Hello, beautiful.
Organic produce of the week club.
Unlike store-bought, our products retain all their vitamin D, which is great for the skin.
Not that you need any help in that department.
I'm Cal.
And you are? My wife.
Oh.
OK.
Dude.
Jessie, there's something I think I should tell you, but I can't.
But once that something I can't tell you about is over, I will.
So I'm apologizing in advance for the delay.
Will you tell me if I take my top off? Oh, who are we kidding? I gotta go.
No wife of mine should be working on a beautiful day like today.
The wife thing? Getting old.
What are you doing? Throwing away some junk.
Your Ms.
Magazines? You love these! Things change.
Something wrong with your ring? Feels weird.
Maybe it's just too tight.
Slid right off.
Maybe it's too loose.
Maybe I'm allergic.
To gold? I'm going downtown; I could have it resized.
You'd do that? Anything for my wife.
Hey, does your wedding band ever itch? Cause mine itches.
Tara, relax.
You've just got post-marriage jitters.
You know, we haven't had sex since we got hitched.
Wow.
A whole day.
Now that is troubling.
God, I know.
I mean, just the other day Ben said that our marriage was about tax breaks.
Now most women would find that insulting.
Me? No.
I search for an upside.
What do you think about leather? Hm.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you have that after-sex glow.
You too, Carter.
Isn't that interesting.
We got held up, OK? Both of you? Starving.
Anyone want a hotdog? I got it.
You OK? I think I'm getting an ulcer.
Here you go, sweetcheeks.
Oh! Jumbo.
Just the way I like it.
Chip? OK, I'm not built for this and I can't take it anymore.
Tom, I'm sorry.
There's something you have to know.
Ava and Carter are faking it! Jessie! You told her? I can't believe you fell for it.
I can't believe you can't keep your mouth shut.
I can't believe I paid for your hotdog.
Does this mean I'm forgiven? Cover Ava's sausage and we're gold.
Come here.
Oh.
I missed you.
OK.
So this is official: Carter and I are not sleeping together.
Not today, not tomorrow, not never.
Certainly not after you went to Jessie behind my back.
Sorry, Carter.
Girlfriend code trumps all.
Yup.
What the heck is that? My new car.
What? Are you out of your mind, woman? How much did this cost? Twenty-eight thousand dollars.
It's my half of our marital profits.
If marriage is about money, might as well enjoy it.
Tara? I love you more than my poker games, my herb garden, my other herb garden, my entire music collection, other than my limited edition Rocket to Russia signed by Dee Dee Ramone.
And I want to spend my whole life with you.
But what I want more than anything else in the whole world is for you to be happy.
Babe? Will you divorce me? Sign here and here.
Lucky you didn't consummate this union, or I'd never be able to pull off an annulment.
There.
Now you can go back to being godless heathens.
What do you y we go Done.
Lip your apjacks? You made your point with the car, you know, Judith.
I ju-I cannot believe that you put our marriage through a calculator.
I told Phil about the tax breaks just to win a stupid argument.
You want to know what I really think about our marriage? Trouble halved, Joy doubled.
And no one can put a price on that.
Maybe Tara and Phil are right.
Love without a license is so freeing.
So spontaneous and heartfelt.
I mean, did you hear those vows that Phil wrote? So did you twenty-five years ago.
Oh.
Those were your vows! Mm hm.
Truer today than ever before.
You are just angling to get your flapjacks flipped.
Guilty as charged.
Thank God they're letting us take this thing back.
At do you say we take a little date-night detour? Really break her in, if you know what I mean.
Burg barn drive-through? Oh! Let's go back for the coupons.
Into the blue, The beautiful sky We can renew The possible high Anything? Nothing.
You? Not really.
Worth a shot.
Yeah.
No hill too high No road too long Cause we overcome AdrianoCSI