2 Broke Girls s01e05 Episode Script

Hi, it's been 20 minutes.
Have you decided? Uh, we still need more time, can you come back? Sure.
And I'm back.
Come on guys you're not buying a house.
Everything sucks.
Pick the thing that sucks the least, and put it in you mouth.
Max, everyone keeps telling me they can't decide, it's like a support group for bi-sexuals.
Something very magical about to happen Please let it be the rapture.
I need a day off.
In two minutes, something very hip is happening.
If you have a camera, make sure the flash is on.
Why is he speaking like that? Wait a minute.
No one's ordering.
People keep checking the time on their phones.
Everyone's wearing matching new balance sneakers.
Flash mob! Party rockers in the house tonight whoo! Everybody just Oh, hell, no! Caroline, Earl, code red! Make you lose your mind everybody just have a good time let's go party rockers in the I couldn't stop disco, but I'll be damned if any more of that crap gets by me.
Why is flash mob over? Flash mobs were over a year ago.
Nobody told Han! I want so bad to be hip.
Start by never saying that again.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Hello? Max, phone! No! What are you doing? Never answer the wall phone! What? Why? Only two people call the wall collection agencies and the landlord, looking for the original tenant whose name is on the lease! - Hang up.
Quick! - Too late.
I've got to man up and face it.
Hello? This is what collection agency? No, my granddaughter Max is not here.
She died.
On her deathbed, she said it was the stress of being constantly harassed by creditors.
That's juvenile.
Give me the phone.
Hi.
So sorry about that.
What's the issue exactly? Well, I'm sure she has every intention mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Well, you're a doody head.
Never answer the wall.
But what are you gonna do about it? You can't just keep lying to collection agencies.
You have to pay your bills.
I have a system.
I pay everyone five dollars a week just enough to keep them from freaking out.
It's the methadone-clinic banking system.
That is a complete waste of money.
Five dollars won't even cover the interest you're accruing.
What's the interest rate on your credit card? Don't know, but my interest rate in the conversation is zero.
Max, how could you not know that? That's one of the first things my father taught me about finance.
Where at Embezzle U.
? Max, I interned at Merrill Lynch.
Let me help you with this.
It's the least I can do.
I had nowhere to go.
You took me in.
Let me repay my debt to you by helping with your debt to everyone in the world, apparently.
If you keep talking, I'm going to Merrill Lynch myself.
I'm one of those people who gets off on untangling big, complicated messes.
And since you won't let me do your hair, let me do your bills.
You want to do my bills? Here's my portfolio.
And, uh, if you find chocolate sprinkles in there, they're not chocolate Or sprinkles.
Okay.
I've divided your bills into three categories "impossible," "next to impossible," and "how the hell did that happen?" And I've divided my roommate into three categories "annoying," "super annoying," and "how the hell did that happen?" I'm closing kitchen in ten minutes.
I cannot stay later.
I have date with new woman in my life.
She's very special to me.
I think she may be the one.
You are both welcome to come watch us have sex.
Just putting it out there.
Just put it back in there.
I'm so excited, I don't even know where to start.
Drumroll, please.
No? Okay.
Oh, interesting.
Here we have a bill from the pet castle, yet you don't have a pet, and you've never been to a castle Oh, except white castle.
You used a credit card at white castle? Yep.
That was good weed.
And the pet thing was 'cause I found a stray and had to have her cleaned up before I could get anyone to take her.
That would also explain the charge for neutering.
Nah, actually, that was for me.
Can't have any more of these coming out.
Do you really think it's fiscally smart to be taking in strays? Good point.
Move out tonight.
What is this a student loan? Oh, my God.
Max, you went to college? That wasn't a judgment.
It was just shocking kind of like seeing a baby smoke on the Internet.
I love that kid.
Max, a student loan is the worst bill you can ignore.
It can never be expunged.
We're breaking out "expunged" on a weeknight? You can't run away from this bill.
I can run away from anything.
I'm on my fifth identity.
It's just like that but underwater! Guys! Sorry, we're just closing, guys.
I'll take them, Max.
We need the uh, sit anywhere.
What was that roadrunner move you just pulled? There's still a smoke outline of your body Hanging in the air out there.
Did Wile E.
Coyote just come in the diner? - No, but my ex-boyfriend did.
Meep, meep.
Why is William in Brooklyn? Why is William in this diner? Why is every inbred rich guy named William? I don't want to see him.
Max, close the door.
I don't want him to come in here.
Yeah, 'cause that happens all the time.
Customers come in the front door and make a beeline through the kitchen to see if there's a waitress hiding in the walk-in freezer.
Okay, what is the deal? Tell me fast.
I'm nipping like crazy in here.
Ooh, you're smuggling some gumdrops there, too, ice queen.
His name is William Van Horn, and he's I am leaving for sex.
Last chance for threesome, foursome, possibly fivesome, if her sister's train gets in on time.
Oleg, please.
I don't have time to be harassed right now.
Oh, okay.
I'll see you and the gumdrops tomorrow.
Story.
Go.
We met at our parents' companies' parent company picnic.
His family is the Boston Van Horns story.
Stop.
Cut to the end.
Do we hate him? He dumped me when I lost all my money never called me, not an email, nothing.
Oh, we hate him.
Wait.
Which one's your ex the Asian one, the black one? I'm kidding.
No, seriously.
The white one or the really, really white one? Really, really white.
Service, service, service, service, service, serv you heard your bro.
Service him.
Oh, crushed! Hey, you better be careful, 'cause I can give you a run for your money.
I don't have any money.
Well, with a body like that, you don't need any.
- Oh! Ba-bam! Did you actually think that was a good line, or is that what you do so the check gets paid by Richie Rich? Hold on.
Who said I was rich? - Let me see your Hands.
- What looking to see if I have poor-people calluses? No, I wanted to see how big your penis is.
With Hands that size, you better be rich.
Oh! Shazam! Not cool, bro.
- What's your name? - Michelle Obama.
We're closed.
I'm William.
Give me your number.
Why? So you can put it in your phone and never call or text or email? Seriously.
You wouldn't know what to do with a good girl if you had one.
But you're not a good girl.
That's why I want your number.
So how about it? We're closed.
- Your sign says "open till 2:00.
" My, my.
How time does fly.
nighty night.
What did I ever do to you? You didn't mention me, did you? Ugh, no.
I just gave him just get to the end.
Do you hate him? I hate him.
That was the weirdest thing, seeing him come in here.
No, the weirdest thing is coming in here right now.
Why no? Girl at urban outfitter said it was hip.
You look like a lesbian I made out with once on a dare.
Han, you're adorable exactly as you are.
Why are you trying to be hip? To meet girls.
Oh! It's not that bad in here.
I thought my first trip to a laundromat would be a lot more depressing.
Six years we spent together, and now he won't even look at me.
Oh, not the bag.
I just looked at his bag now yours? Max, it's driving me crazy.
What did you major in in college? I majored in changing topics.
So what did you ever see in your ex, the lost Winklevoss twin? We're not talking about William.
We're talking about your bills.
Well, I'm talking about your bill! Oh, face! Max We're trying to start a cupcake business.
And I can't believe I'm about to say this but with my father's financial baggage, you're our best chance for credit.
Listen, everybody's broke in their 20s.
And everybody hides from stuff.
You run into freezers.
I practice ignorance and blackout drinking.
What's happening right now? Hola, dudarinos.
The laundromat's closing early.
We've rented it out for our '80s pop-up disco party.
Bobby.
- Shouldn't it be called an "'80s pop-up lame hipster will do anything to be ironic and lame" party? "Lame"? Don't think so.
What? Vicki from small wonder is coming? Oh! Embarrassed to be you right now.
Unless you chicks have be gone in ten minutes, or my man here will throw you out.
Don't let his tube top fool you.
Bobby is mad wiry.
I'm wiry.
Small wonder? Is that the show on TLC about the little-people magicians? No.
It's an '80s sitcom about this little girl robot who lives with a loving family.
A girl robot? That's totally unbelievable.
No, that's totally awesome! The unbelievable part is the loving family.
I love Vicki.
She had no emotions and was empty inside.
My role model! We're staying.
$75? To do what stand here and dance next to Guy-girl and girl-guy over there? Come on, Chestnut, go poo-poo near the hipsters.
Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Chess to go poo on a hipster? How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? I've been doing my roots with white-out.
Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like they're in on something new no one else knows about.
All you need's a gimmick.
Dudes! Can we ride your horse? Sure.
Okay.
I got to go to the ATM.
Wait.
Stay right there.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
Max, we are literally looking our gift horse in the mouth.
We have something that's better than an '80s disco party.
We have a horse.
If we throw a big enough party, charge hipsters for horse rides, we could pay off your student loan! You'd whore out Chestnut like that? Don't you have to get him hooked on heroin first? Max, I've got this.
I'm a brilliant event planner.
My sweet 16 was off the chain penthouse party, pink and black theme.
Alanis Morissette sang songs from jagged little pill.
On my 16th birthday, my mom took too many jagged little pills, and I had to drive her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped.
Was your childhood based on the novel Push by Sapphire? I wish! The theme is '90s horse party.
It's exactly the kind of hip event you're dying to be a part of.
It would happen after closing, so it won't affect business.
And all the horse rides will take place out back.
So no damage will come to the diner.
But why would I say yes to giving up my diner for no cash return? You might get laid.
Great! The '90s horse party is happening on Thursday.
Fantastic.
Any other questions? Yes.
What exactly is possibility of percentage of me Getting laid? All I can say is, with the cute '90s-themed-clothing incentive and the trivia contest, lots of cute hipster girls will be here looking to Get laid! I will go now and start to research American trivia facts about the 1990s.
You realize we're gonna have to give him something like flash a little boob, something.
I feel like Han's more of an ass man.
Good point 'cause his head is right there.
Creep oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, yeah creep, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I Oleg, what's up? Not enjoying the '90s horse party? I thought you said "'90s whores party.
" Now I'm wearing girdle and deodorant for no reason.
Quite a turnout, Max.
Reminds me of the after-hours clubs I used to go to, you know, if all the cool cats shooting dope were replaced by sad, white fools sipping light beer.
Look! I did research and make myself a 1990s trivia t-shirt.
"Talk to the Han.
" Get it? "Talk to the Han!" That actually is cool.
I am hoping it will help me Get laid? Care to purchase a tamagotchi or a 90210-reo cupcake? We came here wanting to hate on you chicks hard.
But that horse you got out back is mad cool.
You bested us, party beast.
And to that, I doff my cap.
- How much are the cupcakes? - $10 each.
Ooh, I doff my cap again, milady.
Max, look at all this.
We're a success! I'll tell you what's not a success the plan to get Han some action.
Look at him over there.
- That's so sad.
- I know.
Go over there and give him a "Han" job.
William! Meep, meep.
You realize this is a freezer, not a panic room, right? Just go out there and tear his smug, white ass a new one.
I can't face him, Max.
Why? He's the one who didn't call you.
I can't face him because I'm a waitress.
Last time he saw me, I was a billionaire in a townhouse.
Now I'm a waitress in a walk-in freezer.
So, when you were laying around on your trust fund, doing nothing every day, having other people scrub your toilet, you could hold your head up high? But now that you support yourself by earning your own money, that's somehow shameful? Who cares what he thinks? He is the guy who just paid $100 to party with a horse.
He's the loser, not you.
Really? 'Cause he's out there having fun, and I'm in here, hugging a tub of expired blue cheese.
Look You see that wad of cash in your Hand? You earned that.
Slap that wad in your palm a few times! Feel its power.
That's all you got? Come on, really squeeze that wad! Feels good in your Hands, right? - Feels pretty good.
- Yeah.
Now slap it and say, "this is my wad!" This is my wad.
This is my wad! This is my wad! Go out there.
I'm going out there! As soon as the ladies calm down.
Are you kidding? Show him what he's missing.
Let 'em pop, playa! Where are you, you rich poseur? Oh! Uh Listen up! That was meant exclusively for one specific rich poseur.
All you other rich poseurs, just continue with the '90s! Whoop, whoop! Where is he? Do you see him? Uh, no.
He was right over there.
He's gone.
I don't get to shove this in his face.
It would've been nice to put my wad in his face for a change.
Oh, speaking of wads, look over there.
Aw.
He's such a little pimp.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Actually, I am.
I guess I didn't need to go over there and make some big, dramatic speech, telling him that even though I'm a waitress, I'm better than him.
I know that now.
Thank you.
And when I see him one day in the future, I'll be happy to tell him that.
He just came out of the men's room.
Let's get out of here! What? I thought you wanted to talk to him! I said, "the future.
" This is the '90s.
Let's get out of here.
Run! Feels good running away from your bill, huh? So great.
See, that's what I've been saying.
Well, at least you don't have to run from your student loan bill.
We can pay that off and still have $50 for the cupcake fund.
I hate that college won.
Didn't you get anything out of it? You mean, besides mono and an art teacher whose idea of finger-painting was a little more "finger" than "painting"? Art teacher? Max, was that your major art? Keep your eyes on the road.
You're driving.
I just thought for, like, a second, I could maybe illustrate children's books.
Max, that's so sweet.
You're not like Vicki at all.
Max, look.
Han! Aw, our little somethin'-somethin' got him a little somethin'-somethin'! I doff my cap, milady!