2 Dope Queens (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

Black Nerds (aka Blerds)

1 Announcer: Here, live at Kings Theatre in beautiful Brooklyn, New York, it's Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, your 2 Dope Queens! Just so you know, yes, yes, I'm that guy You could get five fingers and I'm not waving "Hi" Guess I'm never-ending, you could call me Pi But really, how long till the world realize? Yes, yes I'm the best, fuck what you heard Anything less is obviously absurd Haters get the bird, more like an eagle This is my movie, stay tuned for the sequel Seems so wrong, seems so illegal Fellas in the back like a foul-ball free-throw Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know This is me on the regular, so you know Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know This is me on the regular, so you know Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know Jessica: Wow.
( audience cheering ) Wow.
"The 2 Dope Queens"! ( audience cheering ) And we are live at the Kings Theatre in Brooklyn! And I'm so excited to be here.
When Jess and I teamed up with HBO, we were very thrilled.
And then three weeks ago it was like, "Ooh, it's now prep time for this?" Because whenever you sign a contract you're like, "That's cool.
It's happening in the future.
" And then you're like, "Oh, I gotta get my shit together.
" Absofruitely.
So I started jogging.
- Dope.
- ( audience cheering ) How much were you jogging? Were you on a treadmill I was on a treadmill because I'm (imitates surfer) I'm a cog in the machine, man.
I can't run outside yet.
What accent was that, would you say? That felt like surfer- "American Psycho.
" - I don't know.
- I don't know.
I didn't know a surfer "American Psycho" went to Can you do it one more time? (imitates surfer) A cog in the machine, man.
You know, it sounds a little bit like, Don't wanna be an American Idiot Like that's Cut my life into pieces! This is my last resort! Do we talk about that song too much? I feel like - No! - We do! We reference it so often.
But it's so, like, applicable.
Like, any time there's a minor inconvenience in my life, It's so funny.
That soundtrack goes off in my head.
Like someone cuts me in line at Whole Foods, I'm like Cut my life into pieces! They're like, "Ooh, ma'am, sorry there's no more rosé left, actually.
" Cut my life into pieces! But I cleansed, which meant I just pooped a lot.
Yeah, you get so regular as soon as you start eating healthy.
It's just like it's almost like a bobsled team, it just shoot outta you.
Don't demean that winter sport.
Okay, so I pooped a lot for this.
What did you do to get ready? I sat and I I stayed up late last night and watched "The Craft," which was really fun.
- Hence the inspiration for - That's so good.
I'm calling this story, this fashion story, it's called, like, "You're a virgin who can't drive.
" Yes! ( imitates British accent ) And then the hair.
And then there's the hair.
- That's so great.
- Thank you.
Tell me about your fashion story right now.
Okay, so I just started getting into "Game of Thrones" because of my boyfriend.
- ( audience cheering ) - That's hot.
Are you clapping for "Game of Thrones" or that I'm finally in a relationship? I can't tell.
I will take it either way.
We'd like to actually take a quick survey, seriously.
So I wanna do kind of like a Cersei realness, like I'm serving Like, the girls are out, like Solange, Beyoncé, Mary J.
Blige.
- Everyone's out.
- That's dope.
Everyone is out! HBO, everyone is out.
- I don't what - What do you name your girls? I know! I'm trying to see.
I guess it's like McGonagall, Dumbledore Hermione, 'cause she's a real one.
Okay, that's it for me.
Good night, guys.
That's it for me.
So, um It's gotta be Hermione.
That's where all the power and brains come from.
I just love that you like, Mary, - that's such a powerful one.
- Mary! ( Vocalizes ) 'Cause she sings from the No more drama! Like, it's perfect, you know? Mary reaches to, like, turn off her TV right now.
- But if that - Well, this one's like, ( with British accent ) it's Levio-sa, not Levi-osa! ( laughing ) It's Levi-o-sa.
But yeah, "Game of Thrones" is the big, like, kind of nerdy thing that I'm into.
I was very late, I don't know, 'cause I'm not super-huge into fantasy.
That's stupid.
And so I was just kind of like British Bake Off was like, "This show is amazing," I'm like, "Yeah, but there are dragons, that's goofy as hell.
" Dragons aren't goofy.
Don't do that.
Don't! Okay, keep going.
Just keep going.
But then I watched the first episode and I was like, "Okay, so Jaime Lannister is really hot.
No one told me that.
" All everybody is tweeting about is how hot everybody is.
Like, everyone's hot.
I'm off the Twitter streets, I guess, - 'cause I knew none of this.
- That's not true.
I knew none of it, and I was like, "This show is incredible.
" Then I started telling people, "Hey, you should watch 'Game of Thrones.
'" - And everyone's like - You're canceled.
"We started six years ago, so you're by yourself.
" Okay, so I'm super into GOT right now.
What's your I already know what your nerdy thing is, but Also, that's like every person.
- It's all I got.
- Okay Well, everybody, you know, hold onto your butts, because I did something really cool.
I recently got invited to "The Sims" headquarters in San Francisco.
( audience applauding ) Thank you.
It was a dream come true.
I love "The Sims.
" The reason why I do is because it was made for girls 9 through 14, and I was about 10 years old when I got Sims one and never grew out of it.
But it was amazing.
They invited me over there, and I went with my best friend, and we just had a blast, we toured everything, we grabbed everybody's hand, everybody who was coding, we were like, "Thank you so much for your service.
- We appreciate it.
" - So I don't know things.
So what is a tour of, like, a vid you're just walking past cubicles of, like, white guys in glasses? Like, I don't know what Yes, and When I was talking to them, I asked them, like, "What's the first thing people do when they get 'The Sims?'" And they were saying everybody makes themselves younger, and fitter, and then they go out and they flirt with everybody in the town.
- That's - So, it's hot.
I know "Game of Thrones" is known for a lot of, like, sexy hookups, but in "The Sims" you can really get your whoo-hoo on.
- So imagine you are single, Jessica.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You would go out on a date with someone you met in "The Sims" game? Well, that's more like "Second Life," where it's real people you're interacting with.
I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.
With "The Sims" I'll get closer.
I'll get closer.
- With "The Sims," it's, like, codes - ( Phoebe snoring ) that somebody coded and designed these people.
- Oh, fell asleep.
What? - Oh no, it's okay.
- Somebody coded and designed - ( snoring ) Well, we'll play it.
You'll catch it on the specials.
- Catch it on the specials.
- Okay.
All right.
But yeah, this is our "Blerds" episode, this is our black nerds episode, so we're gonna get real nerdy tonight.
( audience applauding ) We're black people and we like nerdy shit! That's right.
- Right? - We like things and shit.
Yeah.
All right, so we should get this show started.
I'm so excited for our next act.
She is truly one of our most favorite human beings.
She is a fan favorite of the "2 Dope Queen" podcast family, and she's been on Comedy Central.
She has a special out.
She wrote on "Broad City.
" She wrote on "Difficult People.
" Like, she is just killing it nonstop.
I'm so excited to bring to the stage Both: Naomi Ekperigin! ( audience cheering ) ( inaudible ) Yo.
We out.
We are here, we are living.
Thank you so much for being here, honey.
Thank you for leaving the house.
Truly, truly, okay? Thank you if you showered.
If you didn't, I'm still about you, okay? Honestly, we need to be celebrating leaving the house in these trying times, okay? It takes work to show up.
'Cause honey, I have been on edge since 11-09-2016.
- Right? Right? - ( audience cheering ) ( groaning ) Truly, to my core, I'm, like, on edge at all times.
I find lacrosse sticks triggering.
I do.
I don't know what to do.
It's like every day is something new and crazy.
You know what it feels like, right? It feels like if America was, like, a character in a movie, okay? Like, this moment in time, what we're dealing with, this would be the part in a movie when America coughs into a rag and then pulls it away and sees blood, you know? You know that moment? When you like, "America, girl, you got the consumption, okay? You gotta get your affairs in order, this is act three.
Shut it down.
" What is happening? Nazis are out! They out without hoods, getting haircuts! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do about this.
You know, as a Black woman with a Jew boo that's a Jewish boo I wasn't prepared for this.
I was not prepared for this.
'Cause at first when Jew boo and I got together it was like, "Okay, Jew boo, here's the plan.
If they ever bring back slavery, you buy my freedom, okay?" You gotta have a backup plan, okay? But now stuff done gone sideways.
Now we both need a Kickstarter, you know? We need a Kickstarter! How are we gonna afford the wedding when we gotta open up a savings account for freedom? I don't know what to do about it.
It's been seven magical years together.
Yes, we've done that.
- ( audience applauding ) - Can you imagine? Thanks.
I'm wearing a ring, y'all.
It's real.
It's real.
But people always they always want to know how we met.
They always think it must be some quirky story, like was I working as a janitor at a synagogue or something.
They do.
"What is this? How? How did it happen," you know? And it's like, "Um, nothing happened.
" Y'all, by the time I met Jew boo, I was weary.
I had been dating in New York City for 10 years.
Honey, I was broke down.
I was broke down, I was weary.
By the time I saw him, saw that sweet shayna punim, I was basically like an emotional Rosa Parks, y'all.
I was like, "Mmm-hmm, I'm gonna sit down right here.
Yeah, yeah, it's been a long day, and I done earned this seat, you know?" That's how I felt, just weary.
But we making love work.
It is magical, it's happening.
However, he does make me crazy sometimes.
Prime example, I'm gonna tell you about some shit he did, okay? So Jew boo and I, you know, I was coming home to see him, and you know how New York is.
It don't take much at the end of the day to just be broke down, you know? So I'm so excited to see him.
You know how it is.
You here.
I walk half a block and it's like, "How did I spend $50? What did I get?" You know? So I had gotten home and I was so excited to see him, and I go to give him a kiss and he goes gave me like a peck.
Like a peck.
Like, I just ate a whitefish salad sandwich, okay? And I got so mad, and he looks at me, dead serious, and he goes, "What? I just put on face lotion and I'm waiting for it to dry.
" Now, black people our people have a history of applying lotions, creams, and cocoa butters.
Can we all agree that ain't how lotion works?! You don't wait for lotion to dry.
You rub it in and you move on.
I was so mad.
It It Okay, I'm gonna tell you my part, okay? It did culminate in a two-hour fight, during which I screamed, "So what, we're just gonna be friends who fuck sometimes?" Not my best look, okay? Honest, okay.
However, for all that drama, it was a teaching moment because it turned out, y'all, Jew boo didn't know how to apply lotion.
He didn't know.
He didn't know! He would take the lotion in his hand and then just shellac it on.
And then just wait for it to seep into his pores, which could take hours.
I'm telling you, it was the most interracial our love had ever been.
Cut to me with him in the bathroom being like, "Boo, circular motions.
Circular motions.
Give me them elbows.
" I was trying to teach him.
It was so ridiculous.
But later, once I had come down, once I stopped being so intense about it, I realized, "Why was I even surprised? I only have myself to blame," you know? It was all my fault because, y'all, I love me an awkward man.
I love a dude who is just Okay, let me tell you the truth.
Okay, here's what it is, honey.
If you are on the spectrum, I am about you.
That's it.
That's it! That's my truth.
I discovered it sometime in college.
There's no going back.
I don't know why.
But you know what it is? It's because when you got an awkward dude, it is so easy to graft a personality onto him, you know? He's, like, quiet, not looking you in the eye.
And it's like, "Oh, my God, he's such a good listener.
" It's like, no, bitch, he's counting the tiles on the floor.
He's never been in this conversation.
Thank y'all so much, that's my time.
( audience cheering ) Phoebe: Thank you.
Give it up for Naomi Ekperigin.
- ( audience cheering ) - Whoo! - That was so great.
- Yeah, she's the best.
Oh, my God, I just want her to narrate when I give birth, or something.
- I don't know.
- That's good.
Like, "Girl, what you doing?" No, she's the best.
Yeah.
So you know what? I feel like we've been going through a lot of changes, like hair changes.
I'm blonde now.
I've got this thing I gotta comb through later.
Yeah, both our careers are exploding, which is nice.
( audience cheering ) I can't do that in these heels.
- Do this? - Yeah.
This is why you gotta be like, "Ooh, what's up, doc?" It's very, like, "Daria.
" I'm like, "Daria, um" But what's, like really exciting that I'm most excited about, because I'm very into home and life stuff, you bought an apartment in L.
A.
, so you're officially bicoastal.
I am, yeah.
I'm bicoastal, and I'm nesting, like, I'm nesting in both.
I've been pinning like a mad woman.
I've been pinning like it's my job.
Do you use Pinterest? I always want I want to use it.
Yeah, yeah, I have so many secret Pinterest boards just because I'm so embarrassed by my Pinterest boards.
- Secret? - Yeah, like, just secret, I don't want people to see what I'm up to.
I don't want people to see what I'm pinning.
Can we hear what one of these boards are? Yeah.
What's my most embarrassing? One is like really cheesy quotes that's like, "Life's not about, you know, the rain.
It's learning to dance in it when nobody is looking.
" - And it's very, like, Mom, like Martha Stewart.
- That's trash.
- And then the other one is, like - That's a mess.
I know, it's a GD mess.
The other one is, like, holistic remedies? Like, I like to imagine, okay, here's the embarrassing thing.
I got the idea once that I was going to become this tea maven where I would mix and match different teas to cure ailments.
- And so - Wait, wait, wait, stop speeding through that.
Okay.
( chuckling ) I Let's back that up.
Maven? First of all, get out of here with that word.
I'll see you guys later, thank you so much.
Get out of here with that word.
I'm gonna leave and just go home to my apartment in Clinton Hill.
This isn't like "Bewitched.
" Like, what trickery are you doing with tea? Well, I wanted to do something cool.
Like, I imagined it would be, like an apothecary or something, where you can come in and somebody's like, like my boyfriend's like, "I have a cold.
" And then I can just do a little Echinacea, or some mints, or some shit like that.
- That's Googlable.
- Some shit like that.
And then I could just Well, that's right, so when you find the recipe that you like for, like, fire tea or whatever, - then you could just ground it up.
- What is fire tea? I don't know, like, what's it fire water? It's called, like, fire tea, and you can make it once a season.
And it's like all this shit and you put it in a jar, and then you let it sit outside to get a couple of sun cycles.
But it's something that will really just, like, clear you up.
I told you You're not No! - No! No.
- This is what I'm talking about, because you're not allowed to ask me some shit and then drag my black ass on this stage in front of 3,000 people.
This is stuff that even Gwyneth Paltrow would be like, "Bitch, shut up.
" No, she wouldn't.
This is so Moon Juice lady, like, no, she wouldn't.
It's like exac You know I'm always trying to be Goop adjacent, - Goop on a budget.
- Right.
So you know I aspire to that lifestyle.
Don't appreciate you bringing up that artillery to use against me in the court of law.
Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit A, I cannot believe that this happened.
- Okay, can I - I was vulnerable.
Can I approach the bench with my own rebuttal? You may.
You may approach the bench.
Okay, first of all, she imagined herself to be a tea maven ( audience laughing ) That is absurd straight off the top.
Secondly, your cures are just like, mint tea.
You're not trying! I didn't make up the tea rules, that's how tea cures work! - You're like - It's this idea that tea can help solve, like, I don't know, a yeast infection.
I don't know.
I understand that, but why would I leave the comfort of my home to get on the subway, smell fucking churros for half an hour, to get to your shop so you could be like, "Echinacea," which is readily available in Walgreens! No, no, no, it's not that! I rest my case! ( audience applauding ) I just want you guys to know, every single clap and "whoo" that I just heard, I'm gonna take it as some disrespect.
You believe in this so much, so I think you should quit acting and just do this and see how that works out.
That's insane, I can't afford that yet.
It's like canceled before I've begun.
What if I was like, "Hey, I can't do 'Fantastic Beasts?' I'm, uh" ( audience cheering ) "I'm gonna stay home and make some fucking tea.
" - Canceled.
- Okay, I am happy.
I don't have anything like that.
I mean, if you had to have a secret.
I mean, now we're gonna do a Pinterest tutorial, and I'm gonna show you how to set it up and get really embarrassing about it.
But what would your secret Pinterest board be? Oh, you know what I do like? What? Tell me, tell me, tell me.
So this is, like, really toxic masculinity, but I do like - Calm down! - I know! We know where we are.
We know it's Brooklyn.
Okay.
Yeah, but I like when people like Gordon Ramsay or Simon Cowell I like Englishmen yelling at people on TV.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a very specific board, but I just love that so much.
- That's nice.
- It's so just, like I feel like it's really hurtful.
Like, an American would be like, "Fuck ya, ya bitch.
" And I'd be like, "Cool, see you at Christmas.
" - Yeah.
See you at Christmas.
- See you at Christmas.
But it's like if Gordon Ramsay was like, ( with British accent ) "Your scrambled eggs are dreadful," I would be in bed for a week, I feel like.
- That's funny.
- It's hurtful.
I think I have one an idea, too.
It might be and this is gonna be a little controversial, too but it might be, like, pictures of rich white dudes in moments of decline.
- Yes! Yes! - So you know, like like, you know, like sad Ben Affleck where he's, like, outside smoking the cigarette? Yes, or Steve Bannon.
Like, just Great.
- ( retching ) For the day? - I love that.
- We should make that a group page.
- We should.
That's cool.
- And then we could invite everybody to join.
- Yeah! - ( audience cheering ) - Phoebe: That is so good.
- I love that.
- We should definitely do it for social media.
We're gonna do it.
I will say, for the people who are new to 2 Dope Queens, - we always like to drink rosé.
- We love it.
- But we were such ding-dongs we didn't bring out any rosé.
- Damnit.
So if we could have a stagehand - just bring out some rosé? - Can somebody just bring us some rosé, please? - Can you hurry? - ( audience cheering ) Phoebe: Yes! Welcome to the stage Both: Uzo Aduba! ( audience cheering ) Oh-whoa! ( inaudible banter ) - Rosé? - Yes, please.
Thank you.
Let's go this way.
Phoebe: Oh, my gosh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Just real quick, just because you guys can't see these lovely glasses that we had made courtesy of ThingsRemembered.
com.
So the glasses on the front, they say, "White male tears.
" ( audience cheering ) - They do.
- And then on the back they say "Stay hydrated.
" So order some and confuse everyone at their department, like, "Okay, I guess we're doing this".
Things Remembered is like, "This wasn't our business dream.
" - Yeah, right.
- It's like a grandma.
- Amazing.
- Thank you so much for doing "2 Dope Queens.
" Oh, my gosh, are you kidding? I love "2 Dope Queens.
" - Thank you.
- ( audience cheering ) First of all, Uzo, can we talk about your look? - This is iconic.
- Talk about it.
- It's beautiful! You too, you're wearing velvet as well.
Yes, I got a velvet jumpsuit.
- A velvet jumpsuit.
- Yaas.
So you're on "Orange is the New Black.
" Yes.
And you've won two Emmys for that, for playing - ( audience cheering ) - Thanks, guys.
Playing Crazy Eyes.
You know, Jess and I were talking backstage, and like, you've had such an amazing career, but I feel like you've had careers before this, in that you were a pretty badass athlete, like, you did track and figure skating.
- I did.
- How long did you do that for? I figure skated for, like, 10 years.
- Wow.
- Whoa.
- I know.
And my family's Nigerian and we committed to that, like, I swear, you know? What do you mean you committed? I mean in the sense it's like we're coming from, like, 97 degrees to negative 8.
Like, we really wanted to have that American experience.
So were you doing triple salchows and all those kind of things? Good with the lingo.
We watch the Olympics coverage.
Specifically the ice skating is very delightful.
To see people fall is why.
Nice.
I was like really into the jumps.
I wasn't really super into the, like, stretching and the I was like, I just like to fly through the air and do that kind of stuff, I was into, the exciting and, like, go as fast as I could.
But I loved it.
Yeah.
- So this episode is about - It's special.
it's about blerds, and we're all kinda nerdy, like, you're into "The Sims," I'm getting into fantasy.
- What - So barely.
Like, you still said dragons were stupid maybe 40 minutes ago.
What are you nerdy about? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
How much time do we have? Right? I Oh, gosh.
Okay, well, I really love games.
- Yes! - I love old systems in particular, and the fact that I use the word "system" should tell you.
- I know, that's iconic.
- Which systems? I love original NES.
- Yeees! - Yes.
- So hard.
- Yeah.
Where I used to live, when I first went to go visit the building, - the thing that sold me on it was that it had an arcade.
- Phoebe: What?! - Like old-school games.
- Jessica: The building has an arcade? - Yes, like it had original "Ms.
Pac-Man" - Stop.
and "Mortal Kombat.
" It was awesome, and I was like, "A, B, A" I could still remember them.
Yeah, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
Well, you know what's crazy? I just went to Barcade, like, a couple of months ago, and I hadn't been in such a long time.
But I had been playing, and it was, like, Friday night.
And I think I've been playing "Tapper.
" - Have you played "Tapper?" - No, what's "Tapper?" It's great.
It's like you're basically a barman and you have to pass all these drinks out.
It's great.
It's like "Frogger," but with beer or something.
- That's cool.
- Oh, okay, got it, "Frogger.
" - Do you really think it's cool? - No, I do.
- Thank you.
- It's a game about drinking, that's awesome.
Cheers.
And so - Cheers.
- anyway, I was there and I was playing but I had, like, ten different white dudes coming up to me like, "Oh, is this 'Tapper?'" It's like, you know it's fuckin' "Tapper.
" I should be able to play this, like, in the confines of my own home.
And so I like the idea of going to yours and being like, "Dude, this is lit.
" Yes! It was awesome.
I was like, "This is amazing.
" I love games, too.
What kinda games, like "Heads Up?" - I do love "Heads up.
" "Heads Up" is good.
- It's so fun.
- "Heads Up" is super fun.
- It's the best.
I love "Word Brain.
" I love word like, putting words together with letters.
Sure.
Also known as speaking or writing.
- Uh, "Tetris.
" - Oh, yes.
- Oh, that's the best.
- "Tetris," absolutely.
Awesome, I have it on my phone still.
But my favorite game to play is Fuck-Marry-Kill.
- Oh.
- Iconic.
- And so we wanted do, like, a nerd edition.
- Okay.
- So are you down to play a little FMK? - I'm down to play.
Yes.
How's that sound, guys? A little FMK? Let's do it.
( audience cheering ) So the first category is science nerds.
And so we have Bill Nye.
( audience groans ) Okay.
I know where you guys stand.
- Yeah, that's intense.
- Ouch, that was rough! - Intense.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson.
- Ooh! - ( audience exclaims ) So everybody here just, like, married or boned.
Didn't murder.
And the rapper B.
o.
B.
Who did that? Why? Why? All right, dude So you gotta tell us, who are you gonna FMK? Okay definitely marrying Neil deGrass, because "Cosmos," obviously.
That's clear.
Oh, yes, and then it just gets harder from here.
( laughing ) I'm gonna fuck B.
o.
B.
? Sure, yeah.
Gee, that was that was - Phoebe: Oh, you guys! - ( overlapping chatter ) I weighted that choice based on your reaction to the Bill Nye of it all.
Yes.
Perceptive.
Yes, exactly.
And then kill Bill No, reverse that.
But yes, I'm gonna stay with it.
- Kill Bill Nye.
- We need him.
He's fine.
We need him.
He's lived a long life, it's fine.
Okay, I got one.
I got one.
- TV nerds, FMK.
- Uzo: Okay.
Okay.
Don Lemon, Al Roker, Rachel Maddow.
- ( audience cheering ) - Yaas.
This is tough, okay.
Al Roker, Don Lemon, Rachel Maddow.
Okay, I am going to kill Al Roker.
- Wow! - Oh, really? - That's so intense.
- That was harsh.
That was hard.
I took the gun from my head and I turned it towards his.
I am going to fuck Don Lemon, because maybe he'd lay some heavy, like, nice intelligence on me while we were doing it, but it wouldn't mean anything because, you know? You're just like, "Call your Uber.
" Yes.
And I'll marry Rachel Maddow.
- Phoebe: Yes, that's good.
- How 'bout that? - That's good.
- Jessica: Yeah.
Our next category is secret nerds, like undercover nerds you wouldn't really know about.
Okay.
So we have Tobey Maguire.
- Solid.
- Tobes.
He was formerly of the Pussy Posse, but now he's a nerd.
And of "Ciderhouse Rules.
" I love how it was like Pussy Posse, and you're like, "His actual credits?" And also maybe a more middling credit, as well.
Andrew Garfield, and Jaleel White.
- Oh! Jaleel White.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I'm going to kill Tobey Maguire.
- ( audience applauding ) - Jessica: Okay! - Phoebe: Wow.
That was like "Gladiator.
" You guys all cheered.
That was intense.
Yeah, they were entertained.
Yes, remedied that earlier choice.
I would then like to fuck Andrew Garfield.
Jessica: Sure.
Sure.
And marry Jaleel White, aka Stefan Urquelle.
- Aww, that's cute.
- That's sweet.
That's really sweet.
- Okay, here's a category for fake nerds.
- Okay.
Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs - So rude, so rude.
- So trashy.
It's, like, just a black turtleneck and glasses.
( laughing ) Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg.
Got it.
Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking.
- Uzo: Whoo.
- It's amazing.
I don't know.
I mean Redmayne to marry.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna say Fff Fassbender to 'cause it is just the glasses and the turtleneck.
Yeah, like, there wasn't any prosthetic.
When I watched that movie I was like, "That's Michael Fassbender in a turtleneck.
" - Yeah, exactly.
- You should smash that.
- We'll kill.
- ( audience gasping ) Red wedding.
( laughing ) And what is it? Fuck Eisenberg.
Eisenberg, okay.
To each their own.
( sing-songy ) To each their own.
Stop it.
This is what our ancestors fought for.
So you think Sojourner Truth fought for us to do this bullshit right now? In some way.
She didn't know off the top of the dome, but she knew somewhere.
Yeah, she said, "Ain't I a woman?" I can choose if I wanna smash Mark Zuckerberg.
- I'm just kidding.
- ( laughing ) Well, thank you so much for joining us, Uzo.
Thank you for having me.
- ( audience cheering ) - I hope you had fun.
- I had an awesome time.
- Oh, good! - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Uzo Aduba, everybody! - ( audience cheering ) - This was awesome.
Thank you, you guys were awesome.
You're incredible.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
( audience cheering ) We, like, have to play video games.
You have to come sit on the couch and play video games with us.
I just feel like I'll be into video games for, like, 20 minutes, and then I'll be like I mean, maybe you can just hang around, order us pizza if we need it.
- Get some rosé.
- I'm not your assistant.
Wipe our faces 'cause we're getting really intense.
We just wanna have you around.
I just wanna have you around the video game situaysh.
- Aww, okay, that's sweet.
- Thank you.
Sorry I dragged you a little bit by asking you - to be my assistant earlier.
- That's okay.
Anyway, are you guys ready for our next comic? ( audience cheering ) Our next comic is super-funny, does amazing standup.
You may recognize him from his Comedy Central special.
Please give it up for Both: Al Jackson! ( audience cheering ) Jessica: Hi! Oh, are we gonna let the applause die like that? Clap it up for the 2 Dope Queens right there.
Y'all can do better than that, Brooklyn.
- ( audience cheering ) - Yes.
My God.
How beautiful is this? I just did a Comedy Central show a couple weeks ago called "At Midnight.
" It's one of the last shows they did.
And yeah, it was cool, because one of my I used to teach middle school.
I don't wanna shock y'all.
Yeah, I taught middle school for five years, so you can clap for that shit.
- I did it, yes, for real.
- ( audience applauding ) One of my old students hit me up on my social media.
My social media's kinda weird, 'cause my Twitter just my name, just Al Jackson, but my Instagram is AlJacksonlG, for Instagram.
I don't wanna get over your head with that.
But I got time to tell a random story.
I was promoting one of my shows in West Palm Beach, and there was, like, a 55-year-old white dude DJ, and he's wrapping up the interview, he was like, "All right, we got funny man Al Jackson here, h's got two shows tonight, 7:30 and 9:30.
If you can't catch him onstage, catch him on social media on Twitter @AlJackson, on Instagram at @AlJackson-nig.
" Because he just read the "IG" as part of my last name, and he didn't mean shit by it.
It was just crazy to see somebody's face, like, "Oh, my career's over.
All right.
I'm moving back in with my parents.
" So one of my old students hit me up on AlJacksonlG.
He did.
He did.
And I taught science, and this is the only thing the message said I could not make this up He saw me on TV and he goes, "All right, Mr.
Jackson.
I see you doin' your thing.
Thank you for teaching me about bones and shit.
" That's what he said, on my grandmother's life, God rest her soul.
And I remember him because I'm gonna tell you, like, on behalf of y'all teachers, like, we don't really remember y'all.
If we remember y'all, you did some shit.
I remember this kid because he got an "F" in my class.
I know, it's like, "Oh, you got an 'F.
'" I hand out a lot of F's, y'all.
He got a zero.
No.
Stop.
Don't.
I need you to understand what I just said.
He got a zero.
Do you understand the intestinal fortitude it takes to get a zero? That means, like, you handed in quizzes blank, to the point where you as an adult and as his teacher kinda low-level respect it.
You'd be like, "Goddamn, you are a man of conviction.
You really digging your heels in on this.
It's March, homie.
" And I remember this kid that reached out to me just because we had the most real conversation I've ever had with a 12-year-old.
Because not only would he get zeroes in my class, he used to cut my class, and I don't know if I'm a narcissist but that shit really made me mad for some reason.
And so one day I followed him as he was taking his girlfriend to her classroom.
And so he kissed her on the cheek, and she went in her class, and he pivoted, I was standing right there, I was like, "Yeah, what's up, TJ?" I was like, "You haven't handed in anything since any time.
And if you don't write words down on paper and give it to me, we really don't have a relationship.
" And this kid looked me right in the face and goes, ( sighing ) "Mr.
Jackson, how am I supposed to do my work with all these hoes on my dick?" Said it to my face, right to my face.
And it's funny now in a comedic setting.
Have you ever had someone say that to you at 2 o'clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday? Just dead serious, in the hallway, lights up, look at me right in the eyes.
He meant what he was saying.
That's how you sell used cars.
That shit was working on me.
I was like, "Fuck, are there a lot of hoes? This poor kid has only got one dick! I'll give you till Friday.
" Moved from New York to L.
A.
The only thing I like better, L.
A.
's Mexican food is on point.
I love Mexican food.
I'm mostly Mexican in here.
That's all I do is, I eat Mexican food.
That's what I do.
To understand me better you need to know that.
And I go to a famous Mexican spot in L.
A.
called Tito's Tacos.
It's on the west side.
If you got, like, a three-hour layover you can make it if you at LAX.
And here's the thing, if you eat at Tito's, like I do, and you eat outside, like I do, when you go to throw your tray away if you haven't eaten all your food, there's a homeless dude and he just posts up on the trash can.
Non-threatening, just sitting there.
And when you go to put your tray away, he'll be like, "Hey, man, if you not gonna finish that, I'll eat that for you.
" And here's the kicker that motherfucker looks just like me.
Just like me, to the point where I took my homeboy there, he's like, "That homeless dude" I was like, "I know.
" He looks just like me to the point where it got me thinking, "How are we living these dual lives where I became a comedian and he's homeless?" I'm like, "How long it gonna take for me to be homeless?" Clearly I'm close.
we eat at the same place.
So it got stuck in my head, like, how long does it take you to be homeless? Like, how long does it take somebody to be homeless? And I did a college gig at William & Mary College in Williamsburg, Virginia.
Lots of fun, good gig, but, you know, it was literally on the opposite coast.
And I was flying out the night before and one of my homegirls called me and she goes, "Yo, my NBC pilot got picked up for 15 episodes.
Fuck what you're doing, we about to go out and celebrate.
" So I blew off dinner and I went out drinking on an empty stomach.
And I did something I'm kind of proud of.
We went to the first bar, and I got so drunk I lost my debit card, and then went to the next bar and I lost my credit card.
And it's kinda like losing both your kids at Disneyworld.
Like, they gonna put your picture up.
I don't know, I've done this.
I Uber home, got a 5 a.
m.
flight out, get the cross-country flight, got a 5-hour layover in Chicago.
Get to Chicago.
Now mind you, I blew off dinner, so I get to Chicago, I'm starving, I hadn't eaten in, like, 35 hours.
And I don't know that I don't have any money 'cause I open up my wallet and two butterflies came out that bitch.
I'm in another state with no cash and no credit cards.
I'm starving, trying to drink water that shit don't work.
Wait my four-hour layover, got a three-hour flight to Virginia, get to Virginia, it's a college gig.
College girl picks up the phone and she goes, "Mr.
Jackson, I'm in chemistry lab.
I'm gonna be stuck here for another three hours.
You're gonna have to just wait.
" And at that point I hadn't eaten in 43 hours, and I hung up the phone with her and I looked across the way, and at the airport bar there was a black businesswoman trying to throw away half her turkey burger.
( audience laughing ) And I literally blocked her path and I was like, "Excuse me.
If you not gonna finish that, I'll eat that.
" And I thought about the dude at Tito's who looks just like me and I was like, "Oh shit! 43 hours.
That's how long it takes to be homeless.
" I've been Al Jackson.
Thank y'all so much.
Y'all been so much fun.
( audience cheering ) Jessica: Give it up for Al Jackson, everybody! - Al Jackson! - ( audience applauding ) (sing-songy) I am for real.
You know, we've been talking - It's funny.
- I was gonna just breeze through that.
Oh, I wasn't gonna let that slide.
So we've been talking a lot about, like, what we nerd on and what we love, like all the things that make us cool and quirky.
But I also Cool and quirky like your Tinder profile pic? I saw it on a sign at Claire's and it stuck in my heart.
Cool and quirky.
But I also love, like, those things that, like, just make you feel dumb and just make you feel like, "Oh, I'm such an idiot dork" in a bad way? Like, do you have any of those? I love those.
Yeah, I think, for me, I feel that way often when I'm wrong, like when I'm really wrong about something.
So for example, do you ever have that when you're in, like, a Lyft, or an Uber and your driver is a dude and you're trying to explain to him the quickest way to get somewhere, and they give you all this pushback because you're a woman? I had that recently and I was like, "No, I'm gonna tell you how to get to the Manhattan Bridge.
" And so he was being, like, rude to me and was like ( grunting ) hemming and hawing the whole time.
And I was really sort of aggressive about it.
And then it turned out, instead of taking him to the Manhattan Bridge, I got roasted because I took him to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Oh no! And then we had, like, a 45-minute drive after that.
Oh, my God! Because we were going to, like, the Upper West Side.
And so I felt really dumb.
So what did you say? Did you just let the silence say everything? I was, like, so upset and I was so embarrassed that I dug my heels in and I was like, "I guess I was wrong, huh?" And like that.
Guess I was wrong.
So I just roasted myself.
- You turned into his wife.
- Yeah, I did.
He's had this argument every week with his wife, "I guess I was wrong then, Larry.
" Yeah, so that felt bad.
Does anything make you feel really dumb? Yeah, I always Whenever I go shopping with my boyfriend and we get, like, separated, and I just call him like, "Baby, baby, come over here, honey, come over here.
" And he's like, no he doesn't hear me.
And all these women are just staring at me, like like, "He's not your boyfriend cause he's he's not turning around.
So maybe you should just leave him alone?" I just love the idea that there's, like, some old-timey, like, black janitor there who's, like, "Mm-mm, another black woman alone.
" ( whistling ) Just whistling.
"Another one bites the dust.
" So that always makes me feel pretty dumb.
You know what's the worst, too, is like when you're trying to start a conversation and you're with a group of people and somebody jumps in and starts talking to somebody else, so they overtalk you? And, like, one person is catching that you're trying to speak, so you have this really embarrassing moment with that person while you're like, "But then one time my parents said" "So I was at the Oscars, and it was really funny because Ben Affleck," and you're like The worst is that there's somebody there who's like, "I see you and I'll wait quietly.
I'm socially nice enough to hope that you'll get the majority of this group's attention.
" - It's a sweet moment.
- It is.
- It's good to have that part that lets you know you're not alone.
Yeah, that's always nice.
So I like those moments.
Not really, just kidding.
They're the worst.
I journal about it regularly.
Are you guys ready for our final act of the evening? ( audience cheering ) Okay, I'm really excited for our next performer.
He is so funny.
- Mm.
Charming.
- He's charming.
And he looks like a Disney prince.
He's just very tall, like just so tall.
And he's got, like, really beautiful curly hair.
I just can't wait for you guys to just see him.
He's hilarious, you've seen him on Comedy Central, Netflix, currently on HBO.
He's amazing.
Please give it up for Both: Gary Gulman! ( audience applauding ) Thank you.
Oh, thanks very much.
I'm humbled.
About me, I'm a Jewish man.
In New York, really? But I grew up in an unusual sect of Judaism called "poor.
" But my parents were very generous.
They had a policy.
They would always say, "If there's something you really want, just ask for it and we'll try to find the money.
" But in reality, they would just talk me out of wanting whatever it was that I wanted, and they were diabolical.
Like, one year I wanted to continue to play hockey.
They said, "Gary, if you really wanna play hockey, we will try to find the money.
Your father will work more hours at this job that he despises.
Your mom will work more hours at the Hallmark Store where she makes 9 cents an hour.
If you really want to play hockey this sport that you've shown absolutely no potential in.
Not only have you shown no potential in hockey, but Jews as a whole have shown no aptitude for this sport.
" "Let's look at the Hockey Hall of Fame, and we'll count the Jewish players in the Hockey Hall of Fame.
You ready? Done.
There are zero Jewish players in the Hockey Hall of Fame.
Just for comparison, son, more Jews have been the Messiah.
But if you really wanna play, we will find the money, you selfish little prick.
" More Jews have been the Messiah than have made the Hockey Hall of Fame.
More Jews have been Captain Kirk one Jew, William Shatner, was Captain Kirk.
He was the original Captain Kirk.
The current Captain Kirk is portrayed by Chris Pine.
Magnificent.
Breathtaking.
He makes Brad Pitt look deformed.
It's uncomfortable.
Chris Pine, okay, last summer he was Captain Kirk in "Star Trek.
" This summer, he was the love interest in "Wonder Woman.
" What a life.
Like, that life compares favorably with the life of Harrison Ford, who has had the best life I've witnessed.
Harrison Ford was Han Solo and Indiana Jones in the same year.
But then I was thinking, well, who would you rather be? Like that's a choice but I was like, who would you rather be, Chris Pine or Harrison Ford? Chris Pine, because the thing about Harrison Ford is that somehow he's 75 years old.
Like, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is gonna turn 50 in 15 years.
Harrison Ford will be 90 and they're gonna make him watch it? I can't think of anything crueler.
To make somebody watch themselves 50 years younger? I can't handle Facebook Memories.
I got one the other day and I wept.
Interesting fact about Chris Pine I adore him.
He's.
he's agnostic.
Not sure if there's a God with that life.
How dare you? It always surprises me the disparity between faith amongst people.
Chris Pine, not sure if there's a God, me, pretty sure there's a God.
Every Dominican baseball player has an unwavering certitude that God is watching every single pitch.
I saw a Dominican baseball player during the regular season get a base hit.
He pointed to God, crossed himself, then kissed the life-sized crucifix hanging from his neck.
And I'm sure Jesus is up there going, "Yeah, I don't control the singles.
" Thank you so much, everybody.
I had a great time, thank you.
- Thanks.
- ( audience cheering ) Give it up for Gary Gulman! Gary Gulman! All right, well, that is our show tonight, guys.
( audience cheering ) We're 2 Dope Queens! ( audience cheering ) Phoebe: YQY! ( audience cheering ) ( screaming ) - Hey.
Hey.
- Jessica! - That was so great.
- You killed it! - Excuse me! - No, you killed it.
You're the best.
Excuse me, you can't be back here.
This is talent only.
Uh, come on.
That's funny.
It was great.
Seriously, you gotta Exit's that way.
Oh, we gotta go? There's that dry wit we've all come to know and love.
- Classic Tig.
- I love that.
- Look at that face.
- I know, just like, "Who are you?" You directed us.
In what project? What "2 Dope Queens.
" I did not see you guys on the You know us, we call you Tig-Tig-Tig.
Yeah, Tigga's in Paris.
Tiggaroni Grill.
Tigonometry.
Too Tig to fail.
Tignificent Seven? Hmm-mm.
Exit's that way.
- Oh.
Ooh.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Congrats on the special.
Aah! - Come back here! - Come here! Nitty Scott: I'm just a girl Like, patriarchy is a real thing.
I just wanna say that my feminism will be intersectional or it will be bullshit.
Absolutely, girl.
( overlapping speech ) I got boundaries, bro.
If it's my boundary, it's my choice.
Yeah, I'm just a girl without a bro Who like to get in my zone I'm just a girl who likes to roll a blunt And smoke it alone I'm just a girl who actin' Because I'm still on my cycle I'm just a girl who wanna have my cake And eat on arrival I'm just a-woah Tired of and bros telling sisters Where she need to go, you like it slow Yeah, you want it dirty, I know Turn around and you call me a ho Outta my show I free da nipple and tickle them Then I proceeded to glow Therefore de-stressin', oh no who I wanna and then I'mma kick in the Joe, you already know Man: You ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, that's babygirl Every wanna lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Babygirl - Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Nitty Scott: Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl who likes to pull a flip My chicken and dip I'm just a girl who got the boss what That could still make a hit I'm just a girl who keep it poppin' And on my knee and tummy I'm just a girl who like a girl Who like my meez on my nonny I'm just a, 'ey, I up da system I disturb the peace, 'ey, back all my egg Can't cop a feelin', he feelin' away He want it bad, though He masculinity fragile I don't do drugs, but I dabble Look at you, look at you, lost in the sauce No, I ain't bossy, I just be the boss