30 Rock s01e11 Episode Script

The Head and the Hair

That was hillarious! We're back in two minutes! So are you going to ask out the Head? The Head? There are these two MSNBC guys we keep seeing around, and we don't know their names, so we call them the Head and the Hair.
How come? So what are you, like 6'2"? Wow.
I see you're looking at my watch.
What? It's cool, isn't it? That's a Japanese pie watch.
Oh, okay.
It tells time with those little pie pieces.
Each piece is six minutes.
So right now, it's six times four.
My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.
Hey, that's awesome, possum.
One minute! The point is, the Hair is ridiculously good looking.
It's true.
He makes me nervous just to be around.
And the Head is perfectly harmless and totally into Ms.
Liz Lemon.
Hmm Not as much as he's into his pie watch.
I think the Head sounds perfect for you right now.
I mean, low pressure, high nerd factor, come on.
If you're serious about getting your personal life on track, you need to work at it.
Okay, fine! I'll ask him out.
I win.
No, the French maid werewolf thing is cut.
You're supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now.
What? Pete! - Gary! - Lutz! What do you think sounds like the better idea for a new show? A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight? Never mind.
This television programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass ache, and I want you to get it out of here.
Kenneth, please.
Come in.
Is this about the clementine I took off the actors' snack table? Because the catering lady already talked to me.
No, no.
No, I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms Up" day.
Once a year, all the Senior VPs spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees.
Last year I was a welder at one of our locomotive factories, and I made this.
And this year, I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss.
Thank you, sir.
That's how the "Bottoms Up" program works.
I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth.
And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
Dude, this party was messed up! They had girls dancing in cages.
And not the go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.
That is awesome.
- That is upsetting.
- That is awesome.
It couldn't have been that great a party.
You're on time to work for the first time ever.
January 17th.
Write it down, Cerie.
It's historic.
How dare you, Liz Lemon? I'm not arriving to work.
I left the party on a bacon run.
Write it down, Cerie.
January 17th.
Just like every other day.
Oh, what's today's date? January 17th.
- Yeah.
- Ah, dammit! I knew this was going to happen.
Toofer, pass me some paper.
What's wrong? My autobiography is due tomorrow.
Morning, boss.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Well, don't let it happen again.
Are you ready for an exciting and challenging day? You bet.
(Tracy) Yo! Me, Toofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.
Our first assignment.
This is so annoying.
I just went down to the ATM to get money, and it gave me a hundred-dollar bill.
- So? - So? It's like having Confederate money.
No one's going to take that.
It'll give you something interesting to talk to the Head about.
Oh, yeah.
Am I doing that? Yeah, right now.
Hi, can I help you? Yes, I'm looking for the Head? The head of what? Yeah, how am I going to do this? Hi.
What are you doing up here? Oh, Chris Matthews owes me ten bucks.
Yeah, you'll never get that.
My name is Gray, by the way.
You know, it's kind of funny.
My friend Jenna and I didn't know your name, so we've been calling you the Hair.
The Hair? How would you like it if I called you Glasses? I would be fine with that.
Oh, good, because that's what I've been calling you.
Which was no help when I was trying to find your extension.
Why were you trying to find my extension? I have a friend who's opening up a new restaurant in SoHo, and I was hoping that you'd go with me.
What? Do you want to go out with me tonight? Why? Because it would be fun.
And you seem cool.
What? I was looking for some money in my mother's room, and I found some naked pictures under her mattress.
She was just sitting there in her house coat, holding one of her boobs like this.
I knew she must have taken those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny.
Because Sonny used to come over twice a month.
You knew when Sonny was coming over, 'cause she would take us to the store and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter.
How many pages do we have now? Five.
Make the letters bigger, Toof.
According to Wikipedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984.
I have no memory of that.
Write it up.
Here is your salad.
And your change.
Oh, no.
Dude, is this spinach? Yes, you, uh-- You asked for a spinach salad.
No, I like the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.
So you want me to take it back? I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right? Yes.
Well, then, yeah, genius.
Get me a new salad.
Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant.
Too much? No, that's usually how it goes.
Hey, what happened? Did you ask him? Well, I was going to.
Oh, Liz.
But before I could, the Hair asked me out.
What? The the Hair? What did you say? I had to say yes.
He looked at me with those crazy handsome-guy eyes.
It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon is-- No, Liz.
Do not talk about stuff like that on your date.
Guys like that do not like Star Trek.
Wars! I'm sorry.
You're right.
I don't go out on dates with guys like Gray.
It feels wrong.
He's the Hair, and I am a Head-plus, at best.
Or maybe you really are the Hair and I'm the Head in our relationship.
Oh, God, no.
Something is wrong with this.
I have upset the natural balance of things.
Good morning, ladies.
I'm making a coffee run.
Would either of you care for anything? Liz and Jenna, nothing.
What's happening? I don't know.
Good God, what does that man doing here? I don't know.
I've never met Brian Williams, but his dressing room has to be cleaned up every day between 11 and 11:30.
That way, by the time Mr.
Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.
Kenneth, a friend of mine tipped me off about a position in our aviation division.
It's entry level only, of course.
Is this tube sock filled with bird seed? Yes, sir.
Just put it in the basket with the others.
At any rate, I'd be happy to put in a good word for you.
What? And leave show business? No, thank you.
Kenneth, what's your plan? Well, I like to start cleaning in one corner, and then work my way across the room in a zig-zag.
No, no, no.
Your life plan.
You're learning nothing here.
You're doing nothing here.
You're a punching bag.
I like this job.
Kenneth, this is not a job.
This is an exercise in constant humiliation.
You're fired.
I beg your pardon? You said I'm your boss for today.
So I fire you.
How ya doin'? Liz! Hi.
This is Kiara, Francesca, that's Talbot and that's Armand.
Would you like something to drink? - Yes, Pinot Grigio.
- I'll be right back.
Is that bad? So you guys been watching Heroes? I like the Japanese dude.
The hors d'oeuvres tonight are boxes of pure oxygen infused with a saffron and a white truffle oil.
Hey, how is it going? Terrifying.
It's too much.
I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.
If it makes you feel any better, I've discovered I'm not a Head.
I'll talk to you later.
Let's put the fun in funky.
Hey! Hey, what are you doing? Sorry, that party was just a little too awesome for me.
Do you want to go someplace else, just the two of us? Okay, what's your game, friend? Game? There's no game.
What are you talking about? I don't have any money, if that's what you're after.
And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed, because they think they have to.
If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore.
And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try it.
Hey, we all have uncles who are cops, so just take it down a notch.
No hundreds.
Small bills.
Oh, I knew this was going to happen.
Store policy.
Yeah, that's an illegal policy.
You have to take this.
No, I don't.
Yeah, sir.
You do.
See? It says right here: "Legal tender for all debts public and private.
" Does it say anything about $100 for a bottle of water? You can't decide what money you'll accept.
- That's illegal.
- It's an illegal policy.
You're holding up the line.
No, you're holding up the line.
Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge.
I'm almost afraid to ask.
What Christmas album? * Imagine Christmas wishes * Shooting out of your eyes * A candy cake * Full of snow dreams * A stocking full of smiles * It's a Jordan Christmas * I remember that.
That video was raunchy.
- Did you get home okay last night? - Yeah.
Thank you for convincing me to go back to the party.
It was fun.
Although I ate way too much oxygen.
Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen right there on your coat.
Thank you.
This is going to sound pathetic, but I'm kind of trying to make myself do new things, and last night was all new for me, so that's good.
Okay, so here's something else I bet you've never done before.
Call in sick to work and go see a movie.
A movie? A movie.
- With you.
- With me.
- Now.
- Right now.
Come on.
Oh, Pete, it's me.
I'm not coming in.
I have a flu thing, and I'm-- I just barfed on 6th Avenue.
Hi, Jack.
I was, uh-- This is Gray.
Nice to meet you.
Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather.
Maybe you should go home.
Come on.
Kenneth, do you have a minute? I sure don't.
Kenneth, you and I actually have a lot in common.
We're both hard workers.
When I was your age, I was putting myself through college in Boston, paddling swan boats for the tourists.
Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker? Kenneth, my point is, I worked hard, because I wanted to get somewhere.
I had drive.
And it disappoints me to see you without a dream, content with this meaningless, pitiful job.
Do you know why I put up with this pitiful job, Mr.
Donaghy? Why I fetch these folks' lunches and clean up their barfs? Because they make television.
And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.
Think of all the shared experiences television has provided for us.
From the moon landing to the Golden Girls finale.
From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon.
From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics to the less fun Winter Olympics.
So please, don't tell me I don't have a dream, sir.
I am living my dream.
Oh, my.
How did he get that up there? I wish I shared your passion for television, Kenneth.
Which show would you rather watch? An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie? Neither.
I want to see a show where women get their hair done, while listening to salsa music.
I also have an idea for a cop show.
Called K-9, exclamation point.
Oh, and a game show called Gold Case.
It's a cross between Deal or No Deal and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host to be determined.
Go on.
It's called Gold Case.
It's Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.
There are ten models, each holding an identical briefcase, but one of them is filled with gold.
Have you pitched this idea to anybody else? Well, I talked to Moonvest over at CBS.
Les Moonves, president of CBS, knows about this? Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night.
Give me your fingernails! No! We've got to move fast.
Parcell, we love Gold Case.
How do we make your show? I thought y'all would know where to get cameras and stuff.
I think he means, "How much do you want for it?" Oh.
As far as compensation goes, I would like to be officially the head of the pages, and I need a new clock radio.
You've got it up there, now snap it off.
Also I want five points on the back end, and a creator credit on this and any international editions.
And a clock radio.
We're a go.
Thank you.
Woke up in the camper at the auto show, and that's how 2006 ended.
I can't believe this.
We're actually going to pull this off.
It was early January 2007 when I got the idea to write my autobiography.
So I took a meeting at Random House, and I went in and talked to this editor about it, and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No, Mr.
No, thank you.
We do not want your book.
" Oops, my bad.
That's on me.
Shut it down.
No way.
Your elevator opens right into your apartment? Are you coming in? I don't know.
This is new for me.
I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen in kick-ass elevator lofts.
What else don't you do? I don't smoke.
I don't use any drugs, except for my allergy medicine.
I don't download music without paying for it.
And I never wear flip-flops.
It's gross.
Real? It's real.
I do not sit on laps.
Really? No, not a lap-sitter.
Never have been.
Nice to see you again.
I thought you were trying new things.
It's just-- It's a small girl thing, it's not a grown lady thing.
All right, there you go.
Okay? Mm-hmm.
See? It's not so bad.
No, it's not bad.
I can't-- I keep waiting for something to go wrong.
Liz, I am not gay, I am not married, I don't have a human head in my freezer.
Yeah, but you're the Hair.
And so are you.
Okay, we're going to do this, then.
Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly? Uh, no, that's my grandmother's cousin Dolly.
Dolly Harlan.
No, I said Dolly Harlan.
From Smithtown.
Oh, my God.
We're related.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
This is the worst! Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins.
Okay, on the count of three, say what level of cousins we would have to be for this to be okay.
One, two, three.
- Fifth.
- Unacceptable, no matter what.
This is never going to work.
Of course it's not.
It never was.
This is what I get for trying to be somebody I am not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, look.
I meant what I said earlier.
You are a Hair, Liz Lemon.
It's in our blood.
Accept it.
Embrace it.
I think we're third cousins.
Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.
Kind of wish you had a door right now.
All right, Jeff.
One of these briefcases is filled with a million dollars' worth of solid gold.
Are you ready? Let's play Gold Case! That one.
You struck gold on Gold Case.
- Uh-oh.
- What? That one.
That one.
That one.
You struck gold on Gold Case.
Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it? This game doesn't work.
Okay, my bad.
Shut it down.
Shut it down! That's it! At least you got a clock radio out of it, right? Whose idea was this? This is pathetic.
A joke.
This whole show is a joke.