30 Rock s01e18 Episode Script


- Hey.
- Wow.
Hot dog times, huh? I only eat them on special occasions.
What's the special occasion? I decided to eat one.
Fair enough.
You going this way? Uh, no, I'm going in here, actually.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay, bye.
Church on a Tuesday? But he seemed so normal.
I know, right? And, uh, this is Kenneth, one of our pages.
Kenneth, this is Devin Banks, our Vice President of West Coast News, Web Content and Theme Park Talent Relations.
Hey, Devin, you better watch out, Kenneth might take your job one day.
Or your job, Jack.
Or his job! Why don't we just, uh-- - Devin.
- Yeah.
My notes.
Ugh, dude, how can we be wearing the same outfit? You saw me leave the apartment this morning.
I saw you put it on and I thought it looked nice.
How long are you staying with me? Indefinitely.
Liz, I want you to meet Devin Banks.
He's in from L.
Devin, this is Lemon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Love the show.
- Thank you.
Look, I gotta go.
Thanks for the tour.
You guys you're the real heroes.
They get younger every year.
These punks who think they can take down Jack Donaghy.
You're worried about that guy? Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.
Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a talking like this contest.
Banks is no slouch.
He pioneered the concept of ten second internet sitcoms.
* Making it happen Honey, I'm home.
Oh, great.
* We made it I'm sure he's here to dazzle the old men with his webisode ideas, but I have ideas too, Lemon.
Like what? Something big.
A live television special with fireworks.
They can do shapes now.
One time, I saw a cowboy hat.
Boom, boom, boom.
Boy, you're gonna need more than that though.
Maybe you're right.
I want you on this, Lemon.
Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Those weren't jokes.
That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Well, it got big laughs.
Yeah, we should do a sketch about alien abductions.
Like a Lamaze class in Roswell.
Dude, what's with the ridiculous hat and glasses? I'm incognito.
Some dude is trying to slap me with a subpoena for a paternity suit.
But the kid ain't mine.
How do you know it's not your child? 'Cause I remember that girl and it's impossible.
I never got out of my car and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth! Okay.
Let's get back to work, guys.
How about a sketch about Bill Clinton eating hamburgers? That stinks.
What is this, 1992? Eh, what do you want from me? I'm not a comedy writer.
Wha--? Mr.
Jordan you've been served.
You know, the more I think about it, the more jazzed I'm getting about these fireworks.
Maybe don't pitch the fireworks thing right away.
I'm gonna come up with a couple other things I think you'll like better.
Well, what I'm saying is, that is what we're selling at the pitch meeting, Lemon: spectacle.
It's what people want.
The Romans knew it.
Louis XIV knew it.
Wolfowitz knows it.
As instructed, I was spying on Mr.
And there's something you should know.
So what team do you play for? Oh, it's not really a team.
It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics.
You know I'm gonna be in town for a little while.
Maybe we could get together.
My, you're friendly! Good God.
Devin is gay.
He's even more powerful than I thought.
Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
So Mr.
Donaghy, what can I do for you? I heard you were talking with my colleague Devin Banks.
Did he tell you why he was in New York? No, sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
You should get to know Devin.
Tell him all of your television ideas.
You know, he started off as a page just like you.
Really? So did I! You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.
What kinds of questions? I'll write them down for you.
You call him, tell him you got two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight.
And, uhKenneth Have you ever used bronzer? Dr.
Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get or help me to remember my ATM pin code? Absolutely.
Science is whatever we want it to be.
I'll let you know as soon as I have the results.
I already know the results.
The kid is not mine.
Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up.
Mmdifferent time, the '60s.
But he was going to church in the middle of the day on a Tuesday.
What do you think that means? It means he probably murdered someone and found God while he was in jail.
Maybe he's born-again? Ugh, boy.
We'll spend our Saturdays in Central Park trying to "save" gay rollerbladers.
I just wish people would tell you immediately when you meet them, "Hi, I am so and so.
Here's all the weird stuff about me.
" Ah, that would never work.
If I told my wife in college, "Hey, I'm gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for the next 20 years," she never would have married me.
Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just weeping over the sink.
Is that my sweatshirt? Hey! Ohsorry.
No, no-- Ugh! And I have an idea for a show about a teacher named Art.
I call that one "Art School.
" And one about a Jewish guy who opens an ice cream parlor.
That one's called "Ice Cream Cohen.
" And a drama about two cops, one named Cash and one named Carry.
I don't have a title for that one.
- But then also-- - Kenneth.
Can I offer you a libation? - I have champagne, vodka, absinthe-- - Fruit punch, please.
You'll excuse me.
I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Like in the movies! So Mr.
Banks what brings you to New York? Oh, just making the rounds.
What projects are you working on near-slash-long term? Oh my.
That's an awful short robe.
I know.
I had to cut it down myself.
Oh, Kenneth.
You know, I was a page.
And when I was in the program, we'd give each other a hand.
Can you give me a hand, Kenneth? For a fellow page, anything! Great.
Tell me about Jack Donaghy.
Tracy, I have the results of your DNA test.
Now, I'm very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality so I'm gonna have to ask at all four of us keep this to ourselves.
What's the verdict, Doc? Good news.
You are not the father of that child.
- Yeah! - However, according to my DNA database, you are a direct descendant of our third president.
Jasper Buceman? No, Tracy.
Our third president.
Thomas Jefferson.
Jefferson? Not possible.
Yeah, that's a white dude.
Yeah, but that guy was into black chicks.
I'm surprised I am not a descendant.
These DNA results show that genetically you're mostly white.
That ridiculous.
I can't be white.
My whole persona is based on an in-depth analysis of the differences between black and white.
This is how black people dial a phone.
* Boop ood a-boop a-doop a-doop whoop * This is how white people dial a phone.
I gotta call my wife.
What can I do for you? I think we're way past that, Jack.
Let's be honest with each other.
I'll go first.
I'm gay and I want your job.
Devin, I'm straighter than you are gay and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind.
I'm not afraid of you.
Yeah, well, you should be.
Lets just see how little shakes out in the meeting.
Yeah let's.
Oh, by the way, a little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing.
You're going down.
No, Devin.
I don't do that.
No, no, no.
Are you kidding me? You eat too many hot dogs.
Please, I am concerned.
I copied this article on sodium for you.
But I will be reporting this to the Fox Problem Solvers.
Oh, boy.
What is this, Bible study? Excuse me one second.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I didn't know you came here.
Oh, well, I haven't been in a super long time.
But, yeah, my parents used to make me go every week.
Well, welcome back.
You're doing the right thing.
Go ahead, have a seat.
Okay, everybody.
Let's get started.
Hi, my name is Floyd and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Floyd.
Hi, Floyd.
Uh It's been four years since my last drink.
But I just broke up with my girlfriend, so I guess today I'll be talking about my issues with women and trust.
The dishonesty that my dad You stayed? Pete, you don't understand.
He was pouring his guts out.
It was like eavesdropping on somebody else's therapy.
It was great.
Yeah, that's not okay.
But I just feel like I've known him forever now, you know? I mean, his father was awful.
And he told this story about trying to make French toast for his mom when he was a kid and he started crying! I love him.
Liz, what is your plan here? What are you gonna do? You're gonna fake being an alcoholic for the rest of your life? I don't know, okay? One day at a time, Pete.
I'm gonna take it one day at a time.
I want you to tell me everything that happened last night.
The curtains open on a group of chorus line dreamers in 1970s leotards-- Five, x-- Stop that.
I'm not talking about the show.
The only reason I sent you to Banks was to get information.
Why were you telling him anything? I'm sorry, sir.
I had to keep talking just to stop him from putting his fingers in my mouth.
Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.
You used me? For television.
Kenneth, I humiliated you for television.
Like on What's Happening when that man used Rerun to bootleg that Doobie Brothers concert! Exactly.
And I need to humiliate you again.
I got a very important meeting coming up and Banks cannot be there.
And you want me to kill him.
I need you to distract him.
You gotta make sure he doesn't leave that hotel room tomorrow morning.
I'll do it.
Just like Sidney Bristow on Alias, I'll use my sexuality as a weapon.
To the wig shop! Psst, Lemon! Lemon, it's on.
Banks is gunning for me.
Yeah, I've been working on it all week.
I don't know what happened in your life that cause you to develop a sense of humor as a coping mechanism.
Maybe it was some sort of brace or corrective boot you wore during childhood.
But in any case, I'm glad you're on my team.
I can't do this sketch! What? Why? Because you can't have a white dude playing a criminal.
That's a negative portrayal of my people! Tracy, you're not white.
I don't know who I am anymore! There's been a black man inside of me for a long time, now there's a white guy up in here too.
It's like the audience for a Bobby McFerrin concert up in here! Tracy, you should be honored to be a descendant of Thomas Jefferson.
Of course you would say that.
You wish you were white.
Wh--how dare you? I happen to know what it means to be proud of one's heritage.
My great-great-great grandfather was one of the few black men who had achieved an officer's rank during the Civil War.
This is a picture of him shaking hands with Ulysses S.
Yeah, let me check that out.
I think he's shaking hands with Robert E.
Dude, your relative fought for the South.
You're related to a black Confederate officer.
That's messed up.
See? Now you know what I'm going through.
Do you think these other black guys are his prisoners or what? Maybe Jack's special could be based on a holiday.
What's left in April? Arbor Day, the Boston Marathon and Hitler's birthday.
Soyou got options.
Hey, Liz? - Hi.
- Hi.
Could I-- can I talk to you for a sec? Yeah.
All right.
I'm sorry to do this at work, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
You weren't at the meeting today.
Oh! No, I'm okay.
Okay, good.
I just wanna offer my support.
If you ever need to talk to someone, I'd be more than happy to take you out for coffee.
[silently] No.
Do you have time now? Sure.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
All right, Tracy.
I have the DNA results right here.
Are you ready to find out who your biological father is? I think I am.
Tracy Meet your father, Tom.
No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! Hey, Maury, he a dog.
He a dog.
Sally Hemings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.
No matter, Maurence.
I'm here for you, Tracy Jordan.
I rode a horse all the way from heaven to tell you something important.
America, which I invented which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts.
Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan.
And may the Force be with you always.
I have never seen so much come out of one pigeon! Yeah, I think it might've been sick.
Or maybe the little guy ate a cigarette or something.
Hey, do you wanna come over? My friend Pete is staying with me and we've decided that we're gonna do this thing where every night we watch one of the AFI top 100 movies.
How many have you gone through? Well, I only have Star Wars and Tootsie, so we just keeping watching those two over and over.
I'm in.
But only 'cause your friend's there.
Otherwise it would be too tempting for this to turn into aa real date.
What do you mean? Well Obviously, since we're in the same group, we can never date.
It's against the rules.
Right, but isn't that one of those rules like, "don't walk between the subway cars," and all the cool people just do it anyway? Liz, I need the rules.
The last time I drank I ended up doing a man-on-the street commercial for Tarzan on Ice.
It was awesome! I mean, he was swinging on his skates! And the little monkey was funny.
I wanna see it again! - Yikes.
- Yeah.
And I didn't even see it.
- So all the rules.
- Yeah.
But I'll buy the popcorn.
Karate! Karate! Karate! Kenneth, what are you doing here? Well, I was in the neighborhood.
Do you want me to dance for you? Yeah.
That's the business.
Oh, man.
This is traffic on the twos.
Top deck of the G.
Bridge (Devin) Yeah.
Touch your belt buckle.
Oh, touch the peacock.
Construction on the Merritt causing slowdowns.
Oh, you're a peacock.
The time is now 7:52.
You warlock! You came to entrance me.
Donaghy sent you.
Where the hell is Lemon? I can't find her.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I kinda fell asleep on your legs.
I know.
It's weird.
I've never let anybody put their head that close to my feet before.
Um, do you want some coffee? Aaagh.
Oh boy.
- Pins and needles.
- Are you all right? Aah! Both my legs are asleep.
Okay, all right.
Here we go.
Come on.
Hop up.
Here we go.
All right? Walk it off, scarecrow.
That was really fun last night.
I, uh I think Tootsie's a very well-crafted movie.
Yeah, they use it as an example in all the screenplay books.
Look I would really love to do this again sometime, but I You know, I don't think it's a good idea.
I-- Floyd, I'm not an alcoholic.
I lied.
I followed you to that church because I have a crush on you and I let you think that I belonged there.
- What? - I know.
I know it makes me seem just nut-log Ann Heche crazy, but if there's any way that you could see past it-- No! No, that-- I said stuff in there that even my best friends don't know.
I know.
That's supposed to be a safe place! I know.
It is extremely not okay that you did that! What are you still doing here? Don't you have a breakfast meeting with Jack? Oh, oh! Floyd, I'm sorry.
I have to go.
No, no, no.
No, I'm--I'm going.
I feel more confused and betrayed than those people that worked with Tootsie.
Bear with me.
Gentlemen, lady, if Jack's not ready, I'd like to tell you about the future of entertainment.
What am I talking about? Celebrity snuff.
Reality content.
Made exclusively for your mobile phone.
Now, what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Oh, thanks, phone! Or fireworks.
What? Banks here wants to make TV smaller.
But broadcast television is big.
It's about spectacle.
The kinds of shows we watched as kids sitting on our neighbor's knee.
Inaugurations, the Super Bowl, the Oscars.
That's why we got into television in the first place.
That's why I give you The Rockefeller Center Salute to Fireworks! Can you get those fireworks that look like cowboy hats? You sure can.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate your patience.
Donaghy, Liz Lemon is on the phone.
Don't bother coming in, Lemon.
You're off the project.
I'll do it without you.
Jack, I'm so sorry.
It's just, you know, I told you about the Flower Guy and-- I don't have time for this.
You've made your priorities clear.
I hope he's worth it.
I found a biography on your ancestor.
It's called, Confederate Monster: The Tobias Spurlock Disaster.
Yo, Toof, how you doing? Not good.
The barn that John Wilkes Booth hid in belonged to Tobias Spurlock.
Well, listen.
Dream Jefferson told me some amazing stuff.
He said it's not about who you were, it's about who you are right now.
No, Toofer.
Give in to your heritage.
Kill Tracy.
Let me shoot something at you.
I came up with a movie idea about all of this.
And I want you to write it.
Okay, what's the movie? It's the story of Thomas Jefferson, only thing we're gonna do it like Norbit, where I play all the parts.
That's actually hilarious.
It's not a comedy.
It's a drama.
Hium I'm really sorry about what I did, and I know that you can't forgive me.
But just to even things out here's all of my weird secret stuff.
I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to Clown College.
I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting.
Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment.
I have had three donuts so far today.
Uh, once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet, and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp.
A couple months of ago I went on a date with my cousin.
Wow, I-- I am a mess.
There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends I am voting for Barack Obama, but I will secretly vote for John McCain.
Here's one, um when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat.
Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat.
And Ilied.
I have had five donuts today.
So, umthat's my deal.
Now we're even.
You know, the Roomba is a nice, quiet alternative to a vacuum.
Thank you, that's uh that's a good tip.
And in the interest of full disclosure, I also have a sexual fantasy about Gopher.
Except mine's the one from Caddyshack.
Well, that makes sense 'cause he's a very good dancer.
* Sky rockets in flight * Afternoon at night Oh, boy.
I really should've been at that meeting.
Welcome to the Rockefeller Center Salute to Fireworks! Now without further ado, three hours of fireworks! Wait, fireworks? In Midtown? On a day that is not the Fourth of July? Oh, my God.
Oh, boy.
That's gonna scare a lot of people.
Sir, the Mayor.
Shut it down! Shut it down! Oh, boy.
Oh, the cowboy hat.