30 Rock s02e02 Episode Script

Jack Gets in the Game

- you *** see me? - yes I did.
this is a $54 steak.
Congratulations.
It looks really good.
Yes,it does.
And of course I can't eat it because of my recent,uh - heart attack.
- Secret heart attack.
No strenuous activity, no red meat,no booze.
But I thought perhaps you might enjoy it.
Oh,okay.
Thanks.
This'll make a great sandwich tomorrow.
Oh,no--I would like you to eat it here.
Right now.
You want to watch me eat this steak in front of you? That's what I want.
Okay.
This is a time of new beginnings for me,lemon.
And of course that means new opportunities.
Have you read the interview with don geiss in this month's issue of yachting illustrated? Uh,no.
I subscribe to giant boats.
"'The ocean,'" says geiss, "'like business, "with a pillowy abyss of a lover's bosom, "seems infinite, but all things must end.
'" - Pillowy abyss? - Ignore that part.
"All things must end.
" Geiss is sending signals about retirement, about succession.
By talking about sex in a sailing magazine? That's exactly how margaret thatcher did it.
Geiss' job is the most coveted position in the free world.
Well,you're in the runng for it,right? I would like to think so.
But I've got to do something to raise my profile, to distinguish me in some way and I have to do it soon-- you ate that whole thing? A dog took it.
He came out of nowhere.
Proudly Presents Season 2 Episode 02 Hey,jenna, what's up? Pretty good.
- Are you okay? - Oh,I'm fine,jenna.
I'm just a little light-headed.
I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by friday.
Well,what diet is gonna do that? Oh,it's the japanese porn star diet.
I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want,so hey there.
- Hi.
- Jenna.
This isn't healthy.
Maybe you're jusfighting your natural shape.
When did your mom gain all that weight? Oh,god! My point is don't let people make you crazy about this.
You are just as beautiful and talented as you ever were.
Nono,no,no-- you are fat.
Now go and see dr.
Spaceman right now and get this taken care of.
How come men can be heavy and be respected? Like james gandolfini or fat albert? It's a double standard, and america needs to get over its body-image madness.
Oh,come on.
What,are we back in college freshman year? Let's go to the common room and talk about apartheid.
Yeah,well,okay-- I'm sorry if I care about making the world a better place.
You should be; it's a complete waste of time and it prevents you from dealing with this.
Excuse me,what about this do I have to deal with? How's your love life going? I believe that love comes to you when you're not looking for it.
Did you return that wedding dress that you bought? I'm gonna sell it online but my internet is being weird.
How about the furniture for your home office? Have you even set that up yet? I'm not making excuses,jack.
But this is taken care of-- ow! Oh,it hurts! I missed a dentist appointment this morning.
Josh to the stage,please, for illeana douglas talk show.
Son of a bitch.
banks.
What are you doing in town? You drawn to the phallic nature of our skyline? Ha,very funny,jack.
How gay is this? I'm here visiting my fiance.
What? Kathy, this is jack donaghy.
Banks,have you lost your mind? Oh,did I forget to mention that kathy is kathy geiss, as in don geiss' daughter? Can you believe that don thought she'd never get married? You can't,you're gay.
No,not anymore,friend.
You familiar with the church of practicology? You mean the cult that was invented by stan lee? The religion founded by the alien king living inside stan lee.
See,it's my faith in practicology that has helped me uncover my true, straight self.
It's definitely working.
I can totally feel the gay draining right out of me.
By the eye of zolnak, right,guys? You're gonna be don geiss' son-in-law? That's right.
And if you read his recent interview in the harvard gay business review, you'd know that he's thinking about retirement.
But I guess I'll find out more about that tonight at dinner with geiss at a restaurant.
Josh to the stage,please yo,ken.
Uh,angie and grizz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.
Oh,okay.
Yeah,but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my n, so you should go get us some party hats.
The pointy kind.
Mr.
Jordan,can't you just apologize to her? No!'Cause things have been said that cannot be taken back.
She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI "I see you ate one,am I?" Hilarious.
Angie is in the past, like dracula and broadcast television.
I think you're letting your pride get in the way, mr.
Jordan.
I mean,if you saw angie with another man-- with who?That guy mike that re-did our driveway? Nah,whatever.
She should find someone new.
Doesn't bother me.
Dotcom,I have an idea.
Well,I don't know, but it's worth a shot.
Are you even listening to me? Now,jenna, medically speaking, for your height, your weight puts you in what we call the disgusting range.
Fortunately, there are solutions.
For example, crtal meth has been shown to be very effective.
How important is tooth retention to you? It's pretty important.
What about my crazy surgical options,dr.
Spaceman? Oh,please-- dr.
Spaceman is my dad.
Call me leo.
And there are some wonderful crazy surgical options.
Are you familiar with the bradshaw clinic? Am I? That's where the olsen twins were separated.
I've sent a mber of my famous clients there.
I can make a call, get you in as soon as possible.
Thank you,leo.
I can't be on television looking like i just had a baby or something.
You know, this right here is why I got into medicine.
- Devin's a genius.
- A genius? Isn't he just living a lie to get ahead at work? Well,we all have our secrets.
Devin's pretending to be straight.
I'm trying to keep my heart episode under wraps.
And alan garkel in legal-- I don't think he really needs that wheelchair.
No.
Oh,mr.
Banks.
I didn't see you there.
Well,I've been following you for the better part of an hour,kenneth.
Does mr.
Donaghy know you're here? I don't need jack's permission,kenneth.
I'm gonna be running this place soon, and there are gonna be some changes to the page's uniform, certainly.
Mr.
Banks,mr.
Donaghy eats guys like you as part of a healthy breakfast.
And I'm sure you think he's weak right now, but he's only gotten stronger since his heart attack.
heart attack? Really? Right,mr.
D? High five! Not now? Okay.
What is this? Liposuction? Plus bone-shaving and organ reduction.
Liz,you don't understand.
People look at me differently know.
Jack,the writers, the manager at forever 21.
That is their problem, not yours.
Is this clinic on a boat? Hey,I've got a character for jenna called, "me want food.
" She's in a supermarket and she keeps going, "me want food!" What?No,we are not treating jenna any differently.
She's gonna play all the characters that she usually plays, - like hillary clinton-- - that's awesome.
Fat hillary.
She can be,like, "me want food!" No one is saying, "me want food," frank.
We are gonna showcase jenna's talents.
Can I sing a song on the show? Yes,that's a great idea.
Can I sing and roller dance? Yes.
Yeah,because we are gonna dare america to change their own attitudes about body image.
Why do you have to make everything into an issue? Don't you have things to do in your own life? At least I don't live with my mom--ow.
hey,my mom's cool.
I got my own life together, okay? Holy crap, did your tooth just fall out? Oh,that's not great,huh? oh,check this out.
My key to the city of gary,indiana.
Mm,look at this.
My gold record for my novelty party song.
Tracy Jordon "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" An Evening with Tracy Jordon, Geffen Records boys becoming men men becoming wolves well,I'm going now.
Is there anything else you want to say,tracy? Yeah.
I miss you,grizz.
Hello,angie.
I hear you're single now.
That's cool.
What? I like your top.
I'm a real good sex person.
I do it all the different ways.
Well,I don't have a husband anymore, so you can come over anytime.
Oh,I will.
I'll come over at night.
- Good job,kenneth.
- Oh,ha.
You should see my "a" game.
so,dad--mm can I call you dad? Why not?I have a grandkid who calls me don.
Next time he does it, I marching that little bastard to a recruiting station.
Ha!Great story,dad.
Don? Devin? Jack! Small world!Join us.
Are you sure? I wouldn't want to intrude.
this is manon.
I never should've said we were going to a restaurant.
She got big.
Oh,her center of gravity is a little different.
Me want food! Did you happen to tell geiss about my little episode? Come on,jack.
I'd never rat you out.
Wouldn't want to let you off that easy.
Here-- take some of my steak.
I could never eat this much meat.
That's not what I hear.
Jack,we're having a little get together up at the house on saturday.
You should come.
That would be my pleasure, sir.
Yeah,you should come.
It's gonna be a whole day of team sports and beer.
Get the old heart rate up.
Maybe pound a cheeseburger in the sun, throw some butter on it.
You're gonna love it! I'm gonna make your heart explode.
hey,ken you're up early, mr.
Jordan.
I only got 11 or 12 hours of sleep last night.
I got something on my mind grapes i need to talk to you about.
Oh,what is it,sir? I saw you hitting on angie the other day.
Seeing you with her, it opened my eyes.
Good for you,sir.
Yeah,all those years fooling around wasn't fair to her.
So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, ken.
Jiminy christmas! My home address is in the gps under "dacrib" 'cause we live on dacrib avenue.
Now you go to angie.
And you make sure you pleasure her! Well,they did laugh.
At you,jenna.
At.
Right,the bad kind.
You just can't be a real woman in this country.
God,it's like those dove commercials never even happened.
Hey!Oh!Me want food! This woman was a mouseketeer, ma'am.
let it go,liz.
Me want food! Oh,my god! My own t-shirt! Hey,I am wanting the foods! Very good.
Very nice.
Attaboy! Yeah! - All right.
- Thanks,jack.
You earned me a grand! Thank you.
how's the heart holding up, buddy? You know, you ought to just quit.
Geiss loves quitters, if I understood his autobiography correctly.
Oh,wait-- I didn'T.
You know what? It's all right,jack.
When you're dead and I'm ceo, oh,my winthrop! How do you do it, man? You're always in such great shape.
Same weight as when I wrestled at yale,jack.
Winthrop here wrestled at yale.
With other dudes,or banks says he can pin you.
Well,I don't-- okay,well-- you're so strong! Oh,god! You're having your way with me.
Your back is like a barrel of snakes! Oh,god! I'm just your doll! I think I love you.
We're joking! It's all jokes! what have I done? Kenneth should be back by now.
What's going on over at my house? no ordinary love nono! Ehh--I gotta stop this.
Curvy & Proud Jenna Maroney takes a bite out of life! There she is! "Me want food.
" Did you know, scientifically speaking, that humans want food but don't need it.
You know--you know, I'm really having second thoughts about all of this.
Oh,don't worry.
Dr.
Wally is the best there is.
In a few hours,you'll be back to your old self.
It'll be like none of this ever happened.
I'm keeping it! Uh,what? The fat.
I've decided to keep it because people recognize me, and I get off on it.
No,if you're gonna do this it's gotta be because we are proving a point to the world.
I'm not trying to prove anything.
And you've got to stop telling people how to run their lives.
That's not what this is.
And it's kind of hard to take life advice from a single woman who is using her treadmill as a hanger for a wedding dress.
Oh,I guess I'm just supposed to put it in the closet with ham fat all over it.
And who's wearing a one-piece swimsuit instead of underwear.
I have to do laundry.
there he is! Hey,jack.
Want a hot dog? Oh,right! The sodium.
Bum-bum.
Bum-bum.
Ka-boom.
Just so you know, if you hear this sound at your funeral, it's just me laughing! I can't hear you,banks.
Are you saying you want me to help you? And if I do, you'll stop trying to destroy me in front of geiss? That is what you're saying, right? Here we go.
You're insane.
That's it! I quit! No more football.
Jack wins.
- quitter! - Oh,god! Just like the greeks! I'm gonna kill you, kenneth the page! I'm sorry,mr.
Jordan.
I couldn't do it.
This boy comes to the door, tries to kiss me, then he throws up and starts crying.
My body wouldn't let me violate the sacred bonds of marriage,sir.
It was a gesture,angie! I'm saying I'm sorry.
I'm at the end of my rope, tracy jordan.
- But baby-- - oh,mmm.
No more jewelry with my name misspelled.
Anjy No more sexually explicit sky writing.
And no more white boys throwing up in my damn foyer.
What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.
Okay,here's what I want.
From now on,I'm on you like white on rice.
You are not to leave my sight for one secondever.
All right.
If that's what it takes.
- If that's what it takes.
- Love you,baby.
This grilled cheese has mayonnaise in it!What? Is it really worth it? I wonder.
I mean,I almost let a man die today,caitlin.
And for what? For a bigger office? For more money? Jack.
So how's the ticker? Devin told me.
He said you're not a well man.
Well,why don't we forget about devin for the moment.
Are you concerned about my heart,sir? No,not at all.
Not after today.
You're out there with those boys in your condition.
Talk about heart.
Take care of yourself,jack.
I've technically died twice.
It's not fun.
But I'm not gonna be around forever.
And,uh, at some point i want to spend more time with my grandkids.
Take my boat down to the islands.
Get to know my secret family up in canada.
But I want you to know you're on my list.
Jack you might run this company one day.
Thank you,sir.
You mind if I watch you eat that? Okay.