30 Rock s02e15 Episode Script

Cooter

This is it, Lemon.
Government.
The true seat of American power.
This is all happening so fast.
I mean, last week you were at ge, and this week you're-- what are you in charge of exactly? We're sharing the load.
It's a bit of homeland security.
they still have that? Extreme weather preparedness and the war on the poor.
You mean the war on poverty.
Yeah, okay, let's go with that.
So you're never coming back.
I'm sorry, Lemon, but there's nothing left for me at ge.
Sure, Geiss could come out of the coma and say, "Jackie boy, you're the next ceo, " but that's not likely.
The cryogenecists are already sharpening their head saws.
Oh, this is all so weird.
It's making me sick to my stomach.
Lemon, it's 8:00 in the morning.
Are you eating those Mexican cheese curls? Hey, don’t knock my “Sabor de Soledad”.
I found a prize in here the other day I hope.
Lemon, I have to go.
It's time for my freedom search.
Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you? Well, I don’t know.
Are the lightning bolts suppos *** in or out? Exactly.
Is all wrong.
This world is so clear in my head.
oh, are these the characters for your porn video game? The working title is goregasm, colon, the legend of dong-slayer.
sorry about the wizard, Tracy.
I'll call the Korean animators.
Yeah, you fixulate this! I'm sorry.
Liz Lemon, do you know what it's like to be the only one who cares about your job when everybody else around is goofing off like a bunch of goof-offs? Yes.
Emotions.
- You having your woman times? - What? No! I just had my woman times last-- oh, boy.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season02 Episode15 why don’t I cross out the days like people in the movies? I think you're supposed to take all of them.
Like, in a row.
Thank you, cerie, but I've been sexually active since I was 25.
Mr.
Hornberger? I was wondEring if I could ask you to write a recommendation for me to be a page at the x-x-I-x summer olympics in Beijing.
Sure, Kenneth.
Have you ever wanted to go to the olympics, Mr.
Hornberger? I almost went once.
Bad news, archers.
President carter has decided to boycott the Moscow games.
Peanut farmer.
Anyway, I was wondEring when you were gonna come to me for this.
You know the applications are due today.
Today, sir? The memo I got said they were due in two weeks.
No, it's today at 5:00.
I have to write my personal essay! Donny? Parcell.
Thought you'd be coming out of that door.
Did you get my memo about the olympic applications being due two weeks from now? Saboteur! Looks like you'll be staying here in New York all summer-- fighting the crowds, smelling the hot garbage, while I travel to beautiful, breezy Beijing.
The day's not over yet.
Hey, you must be Jack Donaghy.
Cooter berger, vice chair of farm subsidies, acting head of fema, temporary acting head of the fbc while the acting head is on trial.
Wow, you've had a lot of shake ups around here lately, huh? I couldn’t disagree with you more.
The administration has been streamlined.
And the media are so obsessed with the current election, they've completely forgotten we're here.
It's an exciting time.
I'm glad to hear it.
I don’t like to think of this president as a lame duck.
I like to think of him as a lame eagle.
The ceiling appears to be leaking.
No, it's not.
We've looked into it and it's not.
If you have any questions, I'll write down my extension for you.
Do you need a pen? Nope, I've kind of gotten used to it.
You don’t have pens? We're not in a recession.
Boy, we've got to crack the whip around here, cooter.
You don’t have pens.
The roof is leaking.
No, it's not.
I'll show you the study.
Hey, we have a meeting with the appropriations committee, like, now.
Oh, no, I'm not prepared.
I know.
I'm not drunk either.
But we'll manage.
Mother! oh, I'm sorry.
I don’t know why I even came up here.
I mean, I know Jack's not here.
Boy, I am really going a little crazy! I don’t supposed you want to be my sounding board.
You're busy.
I'll come back another time.
Warrior, you have defeated the snake elf.
Now join me in the orgy chamber.
The poets will sing of this night.
Stop, stop! It's not working.
It's not--not you, grizz.
You're doing great.
I memorized all my lines at home.
But, Jenna, you're not doing good acting.
Don’t overthink it.
I don’t need another judi dench situation.
Now let's just skip ahead to the list of player sensuality options.
These avatars need to be able to do anything to each other.
Touch my cheek.
- Touch my chest area.
- Now give me a little robot.
- Touch my butt.
- Now like it's a secret.
Touch my knees.
- Sexy, yes.
- Touch my knee spot.
- Good.
- Touch my feet with your knees! Now that we're in the zone, I want you to give me some random sex sounds.
wonderful, wonderful.
Let's take it again from the top.
This time, let's record! Hey, Jack, it's Liz.
Um, maybe you're busy spreading democracy.
Anyway, give me a call.
Things are happening! Our first order of business, the city of portland has requested $9 million to shore up its dam system.
I can’t support that.
"Damn" is a swear word.
I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a "god finger.
" Randall, must you bring religion into everything? We need pens.
Excuse me? Gentlemen, madame, we all know that rome wasn’t built in a day.
Well, that's one theory.
But.
.
.
we have a chance to make this country great again.
We need hope.
We need change.
We need experience.
We need pens.
Kenneth, where have you been? I had to put on my jeans by myself.
I'm sorry, miss Maroney.
I'm trying to finish this application for Beijing.
Did someone say "donny?" - No.
- No.
Oh, it's pretty muffled in there.
You'll never get that application done in time, Parcell.
You should just give up! I will not fail, Chief Errand Boy Donny Lawson! I was told there would be no nudity! That's the only thing i know how to say in chinese.
Four and a half hours, hee-haw.
Donny's right.
I'll never finish this application in time.
The personal essay is way harder than I thought, 'cause it' not in my nature rag on myself.
Not even a backdoor brag? What's a backdoor brag? It's sneaking something wonderful about yourself into everyday conversation.
Like when I tell people it's hard for me to watch "American Idol" because I have perfect pitch.
Now you try.
It's hard for me to watch "American Idol" because there's a water bug on my channel changer.
It's no just? Oh, no.
Someone's gonna get more attention than me.
That was amazing.
"Give us pens.
" I mean, how do you do it? Cooter, I used to work for a man named don Geiss.
He taught me how to be proactive.
I'm going to teach you the same thing.
I'm so happy you're here.
I haven’t felt this energized at work since the two weeks where they tried to teach us farsi.
- Cool phone.
- Excuse me.
Jonathan.
- Geiss spoke.
- What? He's not out of the coma, but he spoke.
What did he say? He said, "Jackie boy.
" Cooter, this is my letter of resignation.
Would you make sure that it gets into the right hands? What? No, no way.
What do you want to do that for? I just received a very important phone call.
I've gotta get back.
But we were gonna do great things together.
Look, the leak's stopped.
I have to get back to new york.
This is my only chance.
Resignation denied.
You can’t deny my resignation.
Actually, I can.
As acting head of the fbc, I oversee the ewpc, and I'm denying your resignation.
You'll stay here and serve your country.
The head of ge serves this country.
He provides jobs.
Fuels innovation.
He brings good things to light.
Cooter, I'm begging you.
Please let me go.
Hey, it's not up to me.
Even if I let you resign, my boss wouldn’t.
They don’t want people leaving here anymore.
You're not going anywhere, buddy! Hey, the pens are here! USA! USA! USA! USA! Hello, friend.
- Oh, my god, you're pregnant.
- What? Yes.
How can you tell? I just can.
People always underestimate my instincts because of my looks.
This is no time for backdoor bragging.
I'm just so happy for you.
- This is what you wanted.
- Yeah, but not like this.
Why not like this, Liz? As my mom used to say, "you never want this to happen.
" - Have you called Floyd yet? - What? Floyd--you couldn’t ask for a better guy to make a mistake with.
Oh, no.
It is Floyd, right? Those margaritas were strong.
Can you come inside? I need a couple light bulbs changed.
Pfft, yeah! oh, my god.
How could you have slept with Dennis? It was before he tried to throw me under the subway train.
Oh, my god! Oh, so you're the only person in the world that's allowed to make sex mistakes? You had a three-way with Roseanne and tom Arnold.
That was two years ago.
Fine, so I made one extremely unfortunate coupling decision.
So what are you gonna do? Well, obviously Dennis can’t be involved because he is a class "a" moron.
So I am just gonna be a kick-ass single mom.
Like Erin Brockovich or Sarah Connor.
Listen to you.
You're actually excited about this.
Yeah, I am.
Even though it's Dennis', I must really want a kid.
Go to the doctor and get a blood test so you know for sure.
And while you're there, try get me some adderall.
I'm trapped here.
I can’t believe this.
Well, I can’t believe the best friend I've ever had would try and leave me.
Cooter, look at this place.
This can’t be what you want in life.
Haven’t you ever thought of leaving? Of course.
Every day.
Every day for two years.
Look at these resignation letters.
They're written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water.
And now you're here.
You're here and everything's gonna be better.
Now we've got pens.
Glorious pens! Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
They're caps.
Nothing but caps.
- Cooter- - that's not my name! My name is James Reilly.
Cooter berger? What do you think I am, a cartoon dog? The president named me that.
He gave you two nicknames? "Cooter" because I look like a turtle and "berger" because he saw me eating a hamburger one time.
We have toet out of here.
Now that's the spirit.
But if they're not taking resignations, there's only one way out.
We have to work together to get fired.
It wasn’t even a hamburger.
It was a sandwich.
- Hello, Elizabeth.
- Dennis, what are you doing here? I don’t have to explain myself to you.
Look, I told my mom I got a job, so I've been coming here for the past couple weeks during the day.
- What? - How come you're not at work? Because foot my computer-- no, why am I-- this is my apartment.
- There something you want to tell me? - No.
Elizabeth, this is Melinda from Dr.
Bouvier's office.
We'll try to reach you again later.
I know that message and I know that tone.
Every one of my sisters got that message junior year in high school-- you're pregnant! - What? No! - Really? All right.
Prnatal vitamins.
Yeah, I know what "prenatal" means.
Pre, "before"; Natal, "ruined".
- Oh, my god.
- All right, first things first.
We're gonna have this baby at the same hospital i was born at on Coney Island.
All right? Oh, my god! Secondly, if it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus like that guy in the Matrix.
If it's a girl--ooh, yeah.
I used to boff this chick named Judy, and I would love to honor her.
Get out of my apartment.
Don’t talk to me like that.
- Morpheus hears everything that you say.
- Out! Your boobs are gonna get bigger.
You must have been such a pretty monkey.
What's that, miss Maroney? It's your personal essay, Kenneth.
Ohhello.
I didn’t see you there.
I was just thinking about my friend, Kenneth Parcell, and how much he personifies the olympic spirit.
He's involved in charity work.
- You needed me, miss Maroney? - Yes.
Kenneth, can you take this money to the many charities I support anonymously? Of course.
Oh, miss Maroney, this is empt-- he knows the importance of physical fitness.
I mean, he can lift almost 100 pounds1 * Mind, body, spirit Kenneth, * * I see myself in you * * so brave * * so ready to be all that you can do * * so beautiful in every way * * I see myself in you * miss Maroney, thank you! I have 20 minutes.
I'm gonna make it! I see myself in you.
Oh, Kenneth, someone was looking for you.
They need 12 boxes of copier paper on stage one.
Duty before self.
I will not fail you, Rainbow Chicken.
whatever we come up with has gotta be wasteful, embarrassing to tion, and upsetting to the voters.
Holy smoke! What have you got? In 1994, the pentagon explored the possibility of a non-lethal chemical weapon thque, uce enemy soldiers coosture by making them totally gay-nes for eaer.
" How gay? It doesn’t say.
The project was abandoned in the planning stages.
Of course it was.
It would've been expensive, impractical, and offensive to both the red states and the gayer blue states.
This is exactly what we're looking for.
A guaranteed disaster.
Like eating a burrito before sex.
But where would we get the money? No congressman in his right mind would support this.
Don’t worry, I've got a friend in congress.
But not your best friend, right? Yo, Frank.
Oh, my god.
Is that-- yes.
It's just the prototype.
But I want you to be the first to play it.
- Tell me what you think.
- This is such an honor.
I got anadal filth by" credit.
You earnt.
Good job, Parcell.
Too bad it cost you a trip to China.
Wait a minute.
Who's this paper for? No one! Looks like you only have 30 seconds to get your application to the 27th floor.
And you're not gonna make it.
Run, Kenneth, run! Oh, mommy! He knows! Oh, god, call me, Jack! This is a disaster.
This baby's gonna have a father.
Look out! What? A gay bomb? You dragged me out of a meeting for this? I was gonna meet bono.
C.
C.
-- Representative cunningham.
We'll keep this professional.
I did certain things for you in bed that you were going to reciprocate, but then we broke up before my birthday.
So you owe me.
This could take weeks to get approved.
I'll take my chances.
And that would mean I'd be spending my birthday here, so.
.
.
all right, I will help you ged.
Yes! I am so on a roll.
No crying in my bath tonight.
hey, Jack, it's Liz.
Um, maybe you're busy spreading democracy.
Anyway, give me a call.
Things are happening! Hey, it's Liz Lemon.
Funny story.
I think I'm pregnant with Dennis Duffy's baby.
Thought you'd be super proud.
Oh, in a way, it's what I wanted.
Yeah, it's gonna be fine.
He knows! Oh, god, call me, Jack! This is a disaster.
This baby's gonna have a father! What--Kenneth just did a flip into the elevator! Jack, I've spent the last hour looking at cribs online.
It's crazy.
Even with all this Dennis stuff all I can think about is baby hair and converting my laundry and newspaper pile into a nursery.
So I don’t want you to worry about me, because, um, I'm happy.
Oh, and yes, you hear me eating “Sabor de Soledad” 'cause I can eat whatever I want now.
Oh, hang on.
That's my doctor.
Never mind.
I am not, um-- never mind.
Lemon, how are you? - It was the cheese curls.
- Pardon? Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests.
Apparently, “Sabor de Soledad” gets its special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.
Oh, that explains your hair's thickness and shine.
I guess in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before cinco de mayo.
I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.
They're so good.
Lemon, I'm sorry you had to go through this by yourself.
No, it's okay.
I was actually ready to have Dennis Duffy's baby.
I guess I'm getting to that age where I don’t care what anybody thinks of me.
If you're going to want to get a very short haircut, resist that urge.
And I know now that I'm definitely ready.
I want to adopt.
Are you sure? What about artificial insemination? No, I can’t go to a sperm bank.
The Duffy men use those like atms.
Then, Lemon.
.
.
I want to assist you.
What? With an adoption! Oh, good lord, Lemon! With an adoption.
I know a lot of well-connected people.
Okay then, yeah.
Help me, thanks.
Um, how was your day? Oh, it was good.
The president gave me a nickname.
The Jacker.
Yeah.
Three Months Later The Pentagon Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the gay bomb could not be effectively weaponized.
The chemical dissipates harmlessly in open tactical environments.
And Frankly, could only work if somehow we could get the enemy into a closed, unventilated space.
Ooh, pens! I feel weird.
Let's do this.
Dude, I played this thing for a couple hours.
It's okay, I guess.
Frank, you've been in your office for three months What? Yes, I'm gonna be a billionaire! Hotel Room, Beijing