30 Rock s03e10 Episode Script

Generalissimo

Here's the research you wanted for that white house skit.
OK, thanks.
You know it, Lady Broseph! Those are your new interns.
Aren't they a little old, and over-dressed? They're former investment bankers who were laid off after that economic crash that Nancy Pelosi caused.
They've got zero real-world skills, but god, they work hard.
Gentlemen, I need you to run out and pick up some flowers, a collection of bath soaps, and some spanish-language gossip magazines.
Soap and spanish magazines? What, are you expecting a visit from the Don't start unless you've got something.
Elisa's grandmother's coming to visit.
I don't think she likes me.
I don't understand it.
As long as Elisa likes you, that's all that matters, right? I need ConcepciĆ³n on board.
She's the matriarch of this family.
And in Puerto Rico, elderly women are held in very high esteem.
You should go there.
They'd love you.
None of this is mine.
I live in 3-B, this is 13-B.
You know what, I'm gonna say it.
Women should not deliver the mail.
Dr.
Andrew Baird? Do you know this guy? - I don't think so.
- He's a pediatrician, so you know he likes kids.
Or feet.
No, kids.
He has a bill from a divorce lawyer, so you know he's single.
And he has a golf magazine, so you know he's not gay or poor.
Come on.
Let's see what kind of movies he likes.
That's a federal offense! And you already have 2 strikes.
I do not support this! Muppets Take Manhattan.
Caddyshack.
And a documentary about how pies are made.
Hello, Dr.
Baird.
Wasn't that a treat? Only the special tours get to see Conan without his wig.
I'm sorry, but her show's on now.
Do you think we could Jonathan, would you come and help Mrs.
Padriera? - I think your grandmother hates me.
- I don't understand.
She's usually a very loving person.
Is it because I'm white? I've had white boyfriends.
Black, Cuban Brazilian guys with German heritage I get it.
You've been with other men.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
What is she watching? Los Amantes Clandestinos.
A mexican telenovela.
- But who is that? - That is El Generalissimo.
He's the villain of Los Amantes.
The name of the actor is Hector Moreda.
He looks exactly like me.
He does look like you.
Episode 310: "El Generalissimo" Dude, I have to meet you.
I'm Brian.
- What's up, Brian? - We love you.
"This honky grandma be trippin'.
" When I quote lines from your movie, that's not racist? Of course not.
I transcend race.
We're all going out after work, and I know you like to party.
We'd be honored if you come with.
You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at.
But yeah, I'm in.
We'll start off at McManus-McMinnigan's.
Have you ever drunk a yard of beer? A yard, like a lawn? Yes, I have.
He has an ice cream maker? Come on! Don't be weird-looking.
Ah, girl! Dr.
Baird, there's someone at your door.
Thanks, Oswald.
He was just helping me hang some pictures.
I live in the basement, so I have all the nails.
I'm Drew.
Sorry, I smell like frosting.
I just love to bake.
I want to go to there.
- So will I see you before Saturday? - About this weekend I don't think you should come to my cousin's police academy graduation, or my other cousin's parole party.
Boy, I hope those two don't eventually have a showdown that pits family against justice.
Hang on, you mean you don't want me to come? It's not me.
Abuela thought it should just be family.
Is this about the Generalissimo? As a child, my grandmother worked in a silver mine without proper ventilation.
Now, her mind is squishy like a hacky sack.
But no matter what, she's still my abuelita.
Even though sometimes she comes at me with a knife because of a silver frenzy.
- I'll call you tomorrow, OK? - Good night, querida.
Generalissimo.
Look at Dr.
Baird.
How did you get a picture of him? Told him his haircut was exactly what I've been trying to describe to my barber.
Smooth, I know.
I'm way out of my league here.
Don't get intimidated.
You know he can't be perfect.
He might be.
I got some more of his mail.
And I opened it.
I'm the worst.
It just proves that I don't deserve this guy.
He went to medical school at Columbia, all kinds of charity baloney.
He gets all of the movie channels, including Starz.
And he trains seeing eye dogs at home.
That's no good for you.
You're allergic to dogs.
- Guess I'll have to step in then.
- Shut up.
Let me think! Please keep your voices down.
Mr.
Jordan is a little hung over.
He pulled an uncle Harland Parcell last night.
Minus the wistful jug blowing.
I went out with the interns.
Those white boys are not kidding around.
Have you ever tasted Scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call "box seats at the Rangers game," it's so cold! And what is Rohypnol? Those are roofies! So I shouldn't have taken two of them for my headache? There he is! Tonight, shooters at Blockheads, lay a base, meet up with my bro-hams at Cornell club? You know it, bri-man! A'ight! I have no idea what either one of us just said.
He thinks you're going out again.
You gotta tell him you can't.
I have a rep to maintain.
If I can't keep up with a bunch of Wall Street frat boys Here come the roofies.
You can do whatever you want to me.
- You wanted to see me? - This is Elisa.
What? Come on, you're a nurse? Some of us are hot.
We have a problem with him.
- Boy, that guy looks a lot like you! - Precisely.
Hector Moreda and the Generalissimo are poisoning Elisa's grandmother against me.
He just blew up that kid! Elisa and I have enough obstacles.
Our work schedules, our cultures, her adorably broken english.
Metrocards are a real thing.
You use them on the subway.
Anyway, this morning, Telemundo, which is owned by Sheinhardt-Universal, purchased Los Amantes Clandestinos.
And now - I own it.
- Isn't that romantic? Now, all I have to do is kill off the Generalissimo, and clear a path to Elisa's abuela.
The director needs a script this afternoon, and she'll help you with the spanish.
Don't drag me into this.
I have my own problems.
And I've never even watched that show.
All you need to know is that El Generalissimo is pure evil, look at him.
He stole that girl's love letters and opened them.
Opened her mail? That is just shocking.
He's a monster.
Or he has a really good reason to do it.
No, his only reason was to trick her into giving up her honor to him.
And how did he use her mail to do that, exactly? He read her most intimate secrets, and turned himself into that which she desired.
What she loved, he pretended to love too, until it was too late.
My dog ran away! Let me get my coat.
Buster.
- If see the dog, give us a shout.
- Come here, boy! The funny thing is this is what I love about him.
Don'worry, Liz.
We're gonna find him.
If we don't, I don't think I could ever be around dogs again.
I'm actually on the board of the Pediatric Restless Leg Syndrome Association.
I forgot I even had this on.
I have so many charity t-shirts.
We have so much in common.
Buster's probably dead.
Wanna go to the wine bar around the corner, deal with these emotions, get some dinner? I would love to, I really would.
But, I just got divorced not that long ago.
I'm really not ready for this kind of thing just yet.
Plus, I have not given up on that dog.
He's a fighter.
Shoot it, dog! I'm going to! I'm Tracy Jordan.
Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth? - Is she watching? - Yes.
I told her it was a very special episode.
Good-bye, general.
Wait, wait.
What did he just say? - That wasn't in the script.
- He said "you missed.
" He said "you missed again.
" "And now, this potion's gonna make me live forever.
" What's happening? El Generalissimo was supposed to die! Morena has gone broken arrow.
We really should have had somebody on the set who speaks Spanish.
I'll call you back.
Moreda Welcome, Jack.
Cigar, - brandy? - What happened, Hector? The general was supposed to die.
Do not try to out-generalissimo me, my friend.
This role has made me rich, famous and respected.
I get to cut the line at Disneyland, if I come mid-week.
I have a lucrative endorsement deal with Sabor de Soledad! I'm not going to let you take all that away from me.
I know where you came from.
Play ball, or you'll be back doing R-rated hypnotism at bull fights so fast, you won't know what hit you.
You come over here and say that to my face.
Come over here.
If you refuse to be reasonable, I must call the presidente of Telemundo.
La oficina de Jack Donaghy.
Well-played.
I see that we are not so different, you and I.
- We laugh alike.
- We think alike.
At times, we even drink alike.
You can lose your mind! You should know, I'm doing this for a woman.
This woman.
I am super gay, and I would totally switch for her.
She's amazing.
But her grandmother hates me, because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.
El Generalissimo does not have to die to clear the way to the abuela.
Not if the abuela comes to love him.
But that's impossible.
Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo.
I will become everything that old hispanic women desire.
I will make her love me.
You really think you can pull that off? It will be the performance of a lifetime.
Like Julie Harris in The Belle of Amherst.
You are surprisingly gay.
OK, so? So did you ever find Buster? What did you not understand? That picture is from a dog food ad.
Hi, Lemon.
Here's today's script.
I translated it, and took out the Star Wars references.
- Are you an actress? - I'm a nurse.
Good.
Don't listen to anyone who says you should become an actress.
I also cut the scene between the general and tia Maria.
They cannot be together.
Not after what he did to Maria's daughter.
Why? What did he do? It was despicable.
Even worse than his misuse of the mails.
The Generalissimo tricked her to the villa by inviting her to a fancy party.
But when she got there, it was just the two of them.
He drugged her champagne and had his way with her.
Later, she gave birth to the devil.
You know, sweeps week.
That's what I could do to Drew.
Drug him? Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.
I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little "welcome to the building" party for him, but there is no party.
And then, when he shows up, I'll laugh and say "it's the wrong night.
" And then he'll laugh, and say "one glass couldn't hurt.
" And then I'll put my mouth on his mouth.
Do not do this.
The trickery, the deceit is a slippery slope.
But you haven't seen Dr.
Baird.
He looks like a cartoon pilot.
Be very careful.
El Generalissimo was once a good man.
But the years of loneliness drove him insane.
I am not the Generalissimo.
I called my uncle Harland, and I got his hangover cure.
"Mix two cups boiled possum meat "with one messload ragweed, stir in alcohol " These interns are wearing me out.
It's like I said in my not-hit comedy Cruise Boat, "I'm getting too old for this ship.
" You are getting older, sir.
There's no reason you have to keep acting like you're 20.
Yes, there is.
Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles.
And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe? That would be terrible.
- You leave him alone! - Exactly.
So if I'm gonna keep my hilarious reputation, - these interns gotta go! - But where? They don't know how to do anything, and there's no jobs left on Wall Street.
Then I'll find something for them to do.
- Am I the first one here? - What? The party's tomorrow night.
Tonight, I'm just hanging out, eating fondue by candlelight.
But come in, I was just opening a bottle of wine to drink alone.
I guess one glass couldn't hurt.
- I found your dog! - What? He lost his collar, but I recognize him from the poster.
- That's not possible! - Of course it's possible.
How could he not want to come back to this beautiful lady? My dog is back! I'll open the wine.
Just put him down.
You need more.
Buster, you wang! Let's get you back in your special kitchen cabinet.
Man, that dog is giving me a headache.
I have some aspirin in my white bag there if you need any.
Everything OK in there? He's just playing along.
Or he bites me.
Alone at last.
Are you OK? You've been roofied! You did what? Not me.
The pills! Is this my mail? You're not thinking clearly.
Why is it all open? That's not your dog.
I can explain.
Just relax.
I am the Generalissimo! I don't know what that means.
Abuela made you breaded calf's brains.
She really liked the changes you made in Los Amantes Clandestinos.
She's very proud that I am dating such an important television man.
What are you going to do about the NBC news? It's too sad.
I'll look into it abuela.
Again, I'm so sorry about everything I actually got some of your mail.
- Hope you didn't open it.
- I did.
Monthy Python, Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
Classic.
Membership in the Cheese of the Month Club, and the Steak of the Month Club, and a copy of Vegetarian Times.
I'm a flip-flopper.
Also a response to your complaint about bad grammar in subway ads.
The word "whom" deserves a defender.
I'm just saying that based on your mail, I actually would have wanted to meet this Elizabeth Lemon in 3-B.
Really? Do you wanna try this again? I know that I lied to you, and I accidentally roofied you, but weirder things have happened, right? Isn't that Tracy Jordan? The Lehman Brothers investment bank will reopen under the direction of comedian Tracy Jordan.
I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old.
- But you just told us you're old.
- This interview is over.
I guess weirder things have happened.
And now to lighten things up, some pictures of beautiful latin babies, and the music of Tito Puente.
Jack this is ridiculous.
It's a date.