30 Rock s03e17 Episode Script

Cutbacks

OK, guys, I just want to say congratulations on our 50th show! That's 50 hours of comedy, over 300 sketches, one unsolved crew death, and an Emmy magazine cover story.
And someone got us booze gifts.
- Sweet.
- They're all empty.
Congratulations on 50 shows, everyone.
Enjoy your decorative air holders.
You deserve them.
A word.
It's a pretty lame present.
Cutbacks.
Our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs is announcing losses for the first time since the civil war.
And even I am not immune.
I had to let Jonathan go today.
- My god.
How did he take it? - Better than I expected.
Can't live If living is without you - OK, last verse.
- I can't live The entertainment division is gonna come under some very close scrutiny.
The days of your wild coke parties are over.
- If by "coke", you mean "sodas" - I do.
It's really bad.
It's so bad, the Sheinhardts are hiring an outside consulting firm.
They're bringing in hatchet men to trim the fat.
And on Monday, you will have to present and justify your budget to them.
- Can you handle that? - Handle a presentation? I put on a live show every week unless there's wrestling.
I'm on it.
Good.
I've got some more downsizing to do upstairs so I've got no time for hand-holding.
- Let's get this right.
- I've got so tricks up my sleeve.
- That's my girl.
- No, Trix, the cereal.
Some fell in my sleeve.
It's sticking to the fibers.
Proofreading: So.
, Valpi Episode 317: "Cutbacks" You wanted to see me.
As you may have heard, Jonathan no longer works here.
The assistants talked about it at Finnegan's, the bar we all go to after work in my dreams.
Obviously, I'm going to need an assistant.
And I'm going to have to ask you to fill in.
But what about my page duties? I've taken care of that.
You'll do both jobs.
This is a very difficult time.
I'm gonna be counting on you.
You'll do fine so long as you follow my three D: discretion, docility, and don't use my bathroom.
Mr.
Donaghy's office.
This is Kenneth.
How may I help you? - It's Greg Windham from Aviation.
- I'm not here.
But you are here.
I can see you.
I don't want to talk to him.
Corporate intrigue.
He's not in right now.
I'll tell him you called.
I feel like I'm in The Pelican Brief! Do I already know too much? Brad Halster.
The Himler group.
A division of Advantrix Consulting.
My associate, Peter Hornberger.
Is there a conference room where we can sit down and get started? I thought we'd do this outside the box.
I'd like to tell you about three television programs.
A comedy show, a musical variety show, and a live television event.
Comedy, music show, live show.
Comedy, music, live.
Are you getting it? They're all the same show.
They're all TGS.
Now I could stand here, and I could bore you with numbers.
I could tell you that we are the number one late night show among men 9-13 and the morbidly obese.
I could tell you that we're in final negotiations to create exclusive content for America's jails.
But I'm not the one being judged here.
So I thought I'd let the show speak for herself.
Dessert! Someone put too many farts in this engine.
It's about to explode! I'm Flavor Obama and I'd like to introduce the Under Secretary of Housing and crystal meth, boy! It's "The Bear and Robot Talk Show!" My name is Suri Cruise Put your hands in the air I came out of the womb with a full head of hair It's farting! That's our show for tonight.
See you next week! This is TGS! So where's that conference room? Golly.
I am sorry, Mr.
Jordan.
I'm just overworked.
With my page duties and being Mr.
Donaghy's assistant, there's not enough hours in the day.
I'm sorry about that.
But just let me know if there's any way I can help.
Actually, there is one thing.
I was just saying that.
Why can't you read human facial ques? What is it? With both these jobs, I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get home.
I'm worried about my bird, Sonny Crockett.
Would you mind going to my apartment and feeding him? Birds are like little dinosaurs.
So what I'll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave.
Thank you, sir.
Here are my keys.
And one thing, don't go into my bedroom.
- What? - Do not go into my bedroom.
to cut a quarter of our budget? Well, there is some fat.
What about Sid? I can't fire our announcer.
He'll lose his insurance.
He has health problems.
Because he was hit by lightning and can't really talk anymore.
It's Tergis with Tracky Jong-Jong and Jimmy Moop! Sid is off the table.
I'm not firing any of my people.
I'm not doing that to their families.
Or for Sid, their much younger wife with whom they have an open relationship.
We'll find the money somewhere else.
The food budget What about straws? We spend $1,200 a year - on straws.
- OK, fine.
No more straws.
Everyone drinks from the can from now on.
We need straws.
That's its bathroom! Listen, Liz, I'm gonna need your revised budget by the end of today.
I don't know.
TGS is a complicated machine.
Every part's important.
I get it.
You don't want to be the bad guy.
But if you don't make the cuts, I will.
And I don't give a crap about anyone here.
I know this isn't easy, but the company's facing cutbacks.
And you have to admit your Boom Box Division is a little behind the times.
- We're not, we're groovy! - I can offer you two weeks severance.
I know you said only interrupt you if it was very important, but Tashonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone and she's offering three free months of Showtime.
- But we have to act now.
- This does not qualify as something important.
I do not want Showtime.
Sorry.
I didn't want you to miss out on this exciting opportunity Thank you, Kenneth.
Take your time.
Hey, little guy.
Don't go in the bedroom.
I wasn't going to! Are you here to see Kenneth the page or Kenneth the Mr.
Donaghy's assistant? I need to see Jack.
Mr.
Donaghy is in an important meeting.
And I'm being told not to interrupt him.
What is this pertaining to? - The TGS budget.
- Oh, my.
That sounds very important.
I've worked here 20 years.
I was wrong.
That was not important enough.
It's me, Kenneth the page, this job is hard.
Please have a seat.
Mr.
Donaghy will be right with you.
Do you know wath these meetings are about? I hear people are getting fired.
Yeah.
I don't know.
- Do you know Jack Donaghy well? - Pretty well.
Do you know if he's a boob man or a butt man? - What? Why would you ask that? - Because I don't want to get fired.
So I'm gonna have to go in there and boink my way out of this one.
I'm Cheryl, by the way.
You're gonna try to have sex with Jack? I have to.
I have 15 employees.
I'm responsible for them.
Do you have any idea what that's like? I have 200 people under me, but Maybe we could team up, go in there together, lez out, give him a show.
Get a grip.
Mr.
Donaghy will see you now.
Make it quick.
I'm in the middle of a very unpleasant day.
So am I.
I know this cutback is difficult.
I don't want to fire anyone.
And I don't want to take anything away from my crew.
And I wanna keep making free, long-distance prank calls to people like Seattle's Richard Sacmuncher.
And I think that's reasonable.
So what do I do to get out of this? The only thing to do is make your cuts and live to fight another day.
What? That's it? I thought you'd tell me to cook the numbers or shred something or do some Pelican brief stuff.
Why is everyone talking about that movie? - It's been playing on Showtime.
- Get me Showtime.
- Why now? - I'm sorry.
I know this is hard, but there's no way out of it.
Well, little heads up, your next meeting might disagree.
She's planning to change your mind by hitting - that.
- No, not again.
This last guy tried to take my belt off.
The sad thing is, it sometimes works.
Sexual bartering pays off.
Salome.
Mata Hari.
Deborah Norville.
Good luck downstairs.
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
And one more thing.
Don't cut the straw budget 'cause I've already cut the exterminators.
Something weird is going on.
You mean this budget stuff? Don't worry about it.
It's just gonna affect the non-specials.
No, it's not that.
You're the smartest person I know.
You think Kenneth could be a murderer? What? Why would you think that? I might be crazy, but neither he nor his bird would let me into his bedroom.
And why wouldn't you let Tracy Jordan into your bedroom unless you got a bunch of dead nurses in there? I had to study serial killers to prepare for my role as criminal profiler Jill St.
Ferrari in the lifetime original miniseries Hushed rapings.
And all masked murderers share three characteristics: - cruelty to animals - He grew up killing pigs! Bedwetting.
No wonder he's fascinated when I do that! And an inability to read human facial ques! I admonished him for that earlier! Three for three.
He's a monster! We've gotta go tell Jack.
You know, if Kenneth is actually a killer, we're gonna be heroes.
Our food is gone.
They took it.
It happened this morning.
Do you have a cookie? Mommy's baby needs his yum-yums.
Sid, did you get fired? Good-bye, Lerz.
- Liz, it's a massacre! - What is going on? Brad came in and started making cuts.
I can't go back to teaching high school math.
Girls pretend they're not women, but they are.
- Do something.
- You're our only hope.
You look hot in those trousers.
How about we grab drinks tonight? Update my sched.
Good morning, sir.
I know there's a learning curve here, but I need you to focus.
No mistakes now.
Think before you speak.
Understand? - Where's Jonathan? - Jonathan's not here anymore.
How may I help you? We need to see Jack.
I don't know if I can allow that.
I've made some mistakes lately.
Terrible mistakes.
I need to know what this is about.
I can't have you getting me into trouble.
- It's not about you.
- Yeah, it's about someone else.
I'm afraid this guy I know in Canada might be a serial killer.
And what is his name? I mean I'll tell you his name.
It's Kenneth.
Excellent.
I will be sure to let him know as soon as he's done firing Steven Lee from Microwaves.
Mr.
Lee, I forgot.
He's ready for you now.
- I've got chills.
He's evil.
- If I had any doubts about this before, and I don't think I did, they're gone now.
We gotta go to his apartment and save who we can.
We're definitely gonna be heroes.
Like Julia and Denzel in The Pelican Brief! Lee, I need that dress Jenna wore for the hooker sketch, the heels Tracy wears when he plays Michelle Obama, and double Wait Triple Spanx.
I need a makeup artist! The sluttier one.
Thanks, Liz.
You're our hero.
They may take my dignity, but they will never take our straws! Why a rolled up towel is against the bottom of the door? It's so creepy! I just want you to know that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over our face.
Kenneth's a murderer and the Riddler's coming! It's a bug bomb.
Get out.
It's poisonous.
Thanks for dinner.
You sure know a lot about sushi.
You gotta be careful.
They try to up-sell you the real crab.
Listen, I gotta get going.
I got a lotta work tomorrow.
All right, listen, we're both adults.
We know the deal.
- Let's cut to the chase.
- That's certainly direct.
We go upstairs.
20 minutes.
Open mouth.
I will work your ears.
What you're asking me to do is a big deal.
If I go through, I need to know it's worth this.
Fine.
30 minutes.
I'll make some sounds.
And you can say one weird thing to me.
Hardball.
30 minutes.
Sounds.
Top front of my body is now in play.
Deal? Deal.
I heard a rumor that you went out with one of the consultants last night.
I had no choice.
I had to give him a little taste of the lemon.
And it was not sour, my friend.
It's interesting you put it that way because your writers' room is now the headquarters for Telemundo's coverage of world cup soccer qualifying.
What the what? Brad and I had a deal.
I gave him top front.
Top front? Good lord, Lemon, that's your worst quadrant.
You know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? We assumed you were a serial killer.
And as you can imagine, your bird is dead.
But on the bright side, you've been downgraded from "suspect" to "person of interest".
Some day, we're gonna look back on this and laugh.
Time does heal all wounds! Now, you wait just one minute.
I am sorry to be using my barn voice in front of a lady, but I am riled up.
It is not enough that you killed the bird I've had for almost 60 years.
But the fact that you didn't trust me is unforgivable.
But what should I expect? Look at you two walking around without a care in the world as budgets are slashed and people keep getting called into Mr.
Donaghy's office to be fired.
I may just be a non-special, but what you two did is inexcusable.
Good day.
- I'm out of letters.
- I have to return my kids' braces.
- We trusted you! - You ruined it with your talking.
Why are you still messing with my show? - What about last night? - Last night was what it was, but - business is business.
- Right.
And last night, I gave you the business.
We had an agreement.
Top front and some light ear work! You got your quid, Halster.
Where's my quo? Last night was about the show? You know it was.
"It's gotta be worth it and what you're asking me to do is such a big deal.
" It was a big deal.
Being with a woman for the first time since my wife died.
- Snap.
- It was just a transaction? - What kind of person are you? - Does it help if I tell you I thought we were doing sexual espionage? Sharon! Angel! I swore to you the next one would be worthy, but she's not! She's a monster! Add Dr.
Walters to my sched.
Let's go.
So Mr.
Halster has filed a complaint against you with human resources.
Specifically, his claim suggests that you tried to barter sex in exchange for professional consideration.
In the human resource world, we refer to that as "being a filthy prostitute".
Since this is your first incident and Mr.
Donaghy has explained the mitigating circumstances I'm convinced that this sexual outburst was brought on by menopause.
We are recommending only a two-week suspension without pay.
That's fair.
Obviously Mr.
Halster cannot function in this hostile work environment.
His company has reassigned him.
And your budget review process will start over again under my - supervision.
- Really? Really.
I hope you've learned your lesson, Miss lemon.
When you harass sexually in the workplace, things do not somehow just work out in the end.
I thought you'd like to know that there's a spider on the printer.
Am I interrupting? Is this another firing meeting? It is now.
Have a seat.
We feel bad that we, but mostly Jenna, gassed your bird.
I agree.
Not to name names, but it's so sad that a certain black individual found it necessary to trick someone so pretty into believing you were a murderer.
I'm sorry, is there a point to all this? I've had a bad couple of days.
We feel terrible about what happened, so we did a little something to make it up to you.
Looks like I've got some naming to do.