30 Rock s04e02 Episode Script

Into the Crevasse

I wrote that, I'm Liz Lemon! "If your man is over 30 and still wears a nametag to work, that's a Dealbreaker.
" But not you, Mike.
That's not you.
Mike, leave my cutout alone.
Oh, okay.
Oh, God.
Okay, you know, I'm going to do the same thing to your cutout.
Oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody! Ow! Blammo, another successful interaction with a man.
Uh, yes, Mr.
Geiss, of course.
Well, I'll only be in D.
For the day.
But if I find time, I'll be sure to go see Fonzie's jacket.
You sit on it as well.
Hey, if you're going to D.
, I lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.
What can I do for you, Lemon? Well, I wanted to give you a copy of my book.
They used your blurb.
"Lemon numbers among my employees.
" Sir? Your bus to Washington leaves in half an hour.
You're taking a bus? I have to.
Ever since these buffoons from Detroit took private planes, the rest of us have to put on a show.
And now, your President, who, by the way, is Kenyan and smokes cigarettes, has created an Industry Task Force for microwaves and small appliances.
Why? Do you need to be bailed out with my tax dollars? Even if they wanted to, I wouldn't take it.
It's corporate welfare, Lemon.
Granted, the microwave industry isn't what it used to be.
And the American love affair with the microwave oven has cooled since its post-war heyday.
# Then she told her daddy she was doing the microwave # # Do the microwave # # Do the microwave, wabba, wabba, wabba wabba # Did that happen? But unlike Detroit, we don't need handouts or regulation.
I'm going to go down there, talk circles around these hacks, and catch the afternoon bus back to Chinatown.
Now where was the last place you remember having your retainer? I took it out to eat astronaut ice cream at the Air and Space Museum.
Air and Space "If your man collects action figures, that's a Dealbreaker"? What? Oh, yeah.
Last weekend, I picked up this girl after practicing Jedi moves in Prospect Park.
Also a Dealbreaker.
I took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike.
As is that.
Snuck her inside past my mom.
She's sees my mint condition Hellboy figurine and starts quoting your dumb book! Yeah.
Also, my girlfriend is mad.
In Canada.
Miss Lemon, would it be all right if I only worked 20 hours today? I'm volunteering at an animal shelter later on.
Oh, of course.
I didn't know you did volunteer work.
Oh, yes, I also help out at the Pants for Zoo Animals Program and Big Brother.
Really, I did Big Sister in college.
That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
Oh, no, this Big Brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program.
It's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they are behaving properly.
Liz? I don't know if you saw the crawl on the T.
Guide Channel, but I have agreed to star in a sexy, supernatural thriller in the vein of Twilight and True Blood.
Oh, that's good.
Vampire movies are hot right now.
This is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in Iceland.
I play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things and who- spoiler alert- may herself be a werewolf.
We start shooting tonight.
In Iceland, tonight? Mm-hm.
You can't leave.
You have rehearsal tomorrow.
Oh, well, why don't you get the new cast member to cover for me? Wow, okay.
Look, I know that you're mad about Jack's decision to bring in another actor, and you want to punish me.
Punish you? Please, Liz, I've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in Iceland where I'm filling in last minute for Victoria Beckham.
We could sit down and talk about this like adults.
Liz Lemon you booger face! I'm going to kill you with a bazooka! Ow! I bought my wife that dumb book of yours.
And the more Angie reads it, the madder she gets at me.
Well, maybe that's on you, Tray.
No, It's off me! A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.
It's on you, Liz Lemon.
And you will be punished.
This will take 10 minutes.
Let's hit the Meadowlands racetrack on the way home.
I've got a betting system based on horse penis size.
# Bum, bum, bum # Is it true, Mr.
Donaghy, that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts? Yes and no.
Yes, that did happen.
No, it didn't not happen.
And that G.
Kept a party clown on retainer with a six-figure salary? When Silly Willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays company-wide I'm being told the company money is being gambled at racetracks.
Yes, but I have a system.
In 2007, a G.
Officer used corporate funds to throw a Cabaret themed Halloween party on Fire Island.
As I recall, that was you.
Donaghy, I am overwhelmed by the negligence and incompetence.
It is an affront to your shareholders and, frankly, to the American people.
Listen, Banks.
Banks You go and tell your President the truth.
We don't need the government telling us how to run our industry.
I've heard enough.
Why do you have a gavel? This isn't the Congress.
I brought it from home.
Congratulations, Liz Lemon.
Now Angie wants a break.
So instead of going to a hotel or my houseboat which I cannot find, I'm staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.
What? No.
Tracy, that is not fair.
Oh, yeah.
There's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it.
Just put him in the tub with a reef.
What's for dinner tonight? I want pierogies.
Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to find homes for all of these animals.
The most important thing is that you not become emotionally attached to any of them.
I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals, even the birds that cleaned our teeth, were workers, not pets.
I never even had a dog, because, as my mom would say, "You can't eat love.
" And as my mom's friend, Ron, would say, "The donkey died.
You're the donkey now, Kenneth.
" Yep, just another animal.
It might as well be a rat.
An adorable rat who shows you it's okay to be scared during a thunderstorm.
Why, it seems crazy to me to even give a dog like this a name.
For example, Bandit.
And that one's Reggie.
And up there's Digger.
Okay, well, the dogs scheduled to be put down today have red tags on them.
I will adopt all of them.
Jonathan, call Don Geiss' office and Les Winkler in Corporate Communications.
Tell Susan Cunningham, Alan Junkin, Mark Jack, What took you so long? Banks, you son of a bitch.
You know, revenge is a dish best served cold, Jack.
Like sashimi.
Or pizza.
You prefer cold pizza? The morning after? It's the best.
Better than hot pizza? That's insane.
You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like.
You don't tell me anything anymore, Jack.
It was a year ago that you kicked me to the curb.
I began plotting my revenge that very day.
I knew that I had to align myself with something more powerful than G.
And since American Idol's not on until January, that left the United States government.
So I spent all last fall raising money.
Worming my way into the Obamas' inner circle.
Oh, my God, Malia.
He did not say that.
Let's text him now.
After the election, I could have had any ambassadorship I wanted.
Even to the world's gayest country: Ireland.
Instead, I suggested that I take on this Task Force.
See, I had you in my sights the whole time.
Peeyow! What kind of gun was that? It's a laser gun, it's unstoppable.
You listen to me, Banks.
You keep your spray-tanned, little hands off this company.
Too late.
Your testimony's going to make headlines in every paper across the country tomorrow.
But that wasn't a public hearing.
Oops, somebody must have weaked it.
You did, you weaked it.
Yeah, and I'm just getting started.
By the time I'm done, you're going to make A.
Look like the Lehman Brothers of microwaves.
You would destroy an entire company just to get me? Think of the pensions, the employees.
The kittens we use to test microwave strength.
Enjoy the view while you can, Jack.
You'll be here for about three days, tops.
Oh, that's all I'll need, Banks.
You watch me.
I'll make this company profitable so fast the only headline will be "Donaghy Saves 'G.
' Marries Your Mom".
See you in a couple days, Jack.
Peeyow! Bzz Laser shield.
Tracy and Liz's residence, Tracy speaking.
Tracy, it's Jenna, is Liz there? It's Jenna, from work.
Jenna, it's 2:00 in the morning, what's going on? Nightstalkers has encountered some production speed bumps that are complicating my schedule.
Well, I need you back by Friday.
What kind of speed bumps? Well.
Iceland appears to have a different sun than America.
Because this one is not setting.
Oh, yeah, of course.
'Cause it's so far north.
And you probably don't know this because you've never played a moonologist, but werewolves only come out at night.
Yes, I remember that from the "Thriller" video.
Too soon.
What is your plan, Jenna? Well, evidently, as it gets later in the year, the sun will start to set.
I'm told tomorrow night, we may get as much as a minute of darkness.
Really? So you're going to shoot this movie one minute at a time just to punish me? Liz, I don't even know what you're talking about.
What new cast member? Bye.
No, you D'oh! What's wrong, roomie? Well, two of my co-workers are driving me insane.
So I'm going to kill them in their sleep tonight.
Tracy and Liz's, Tracy speaking.
Tracy, put Lemon on.
Hello? Okay, as a single woman would you be more inclined to buy a new microwave if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? Before you answer, consider your loneliness.
I'm hanging up now.
Now that we're all up, do you want to talk about the elephant in the room? No, I don't.
I don't even know why you brought that thing.
I mean the figurative elephant.
Liz, I've been reading your book.
Now I see why Angie is mad at me.
"If your man has seven cell phones but won't give you any of the numbers, that's a dealbreaker.
If your man owns a diamond necklace that says 'Open Marriage', that's a dealbreaker.
" Liz Lemon, every little thing I've done is in here.
You used me to write your book! What? No.
Maybe some of it is inspired by you.
You stole my life, and you're going to pay for it.
Really? You're going to make my life worse than it is right now? How? I'll take all of them.
Thank you.
Tracy and Jenna are like children.
And like children, you can't reason with them when they're upset.
All you can do is turn the heat up, pour some whiskey in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.
Yeah, well, that's not going to work for me.
Because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice.
Oh, and not to add to your problems, but Paula read your book.
Attention, creative types.
Brainstorming session.
Lutz, try to stop mouth breathing for one minute.
Uh, what is this? It's an idea.
An idea that started this company, changed the way we live, and made this country great.
This is Dinesh Mehta.
He's a design engineer for the Microwave Division.
All Dinesh and I need from you is one idea that is as good as the light bulb.
What? I have two days to make people buy a lot of microwaves.
Well, it's kind of annoying when you're microwaving, like, a burrito and the burrito won't rotate because it's too big.
It just gets, you know, caught against the sides and the the tray under it rotates, but it, it doesn't rotate.
Okay, bigger ovens.
Americans like big, yes.
What else? What if microwaves broke down more easily so people would have to buy new ones more often? Yes, shoddier, excellent.
Bigger and not as well-made.
Wow, that sounds exactly like the philosophy that almost destroyed the U.
Auto industry.
This isn't the auto industry, Pete.
The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want.
We're G.
, damn it.
And we're going to make a giant, flimsy microwave.
Frank, I can't! If I make it any bigger, the door will be too heavy.
Fine, forget it.
Wait Say that again.
I said, "Forget it.
" "Four, get it.
" Four smaller doors.
Yes! We'll crack this yet.
"Wheel crack this yet.
" Wheel.
Put wheels on it.
Yeah! Nice.
Donaghy! Okay, it's go time.
Are you ready? I'm in character and everything.
All right, let's do this, the sun is setting! We get one shot at this! Thank you.
Action! Uh, Claire? I'm sorry, which hand did I have the flashlight in when we were inside? The right! You had it in the right! Thank you! Cut! Oh, great day, everyone.
You guys are the real stars.
Since I have neither the time nor the energy to even pretend that your situation is a real problem I cut the baby in half.
And I will take the top half, for that is the part with the face.
Lemon, you wrote about Tracy's life for your own gain.
Tracy should be allowed to use your life as he sees fit.
I'll have Jonathan call Legal and get a life rights contract drawn up.
Wait, what do you mean? Tracy will own my life story? No, no.
What are you going to do with my life story? Something humiliating.
Thank you, Jack.
Thanks a lot, Jack.
It's your only move, Lemon.
Sometimes the way back up is down.
Let me tell you a story.
It's 1994.
I went ice climbing, and I fell into a crevasse.
I hurt my leg, and I couldn't climb back up.
So fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, I climbed down into the darkness.
And that's how I got out.
When I got back to base camp, I went and found my fellow climber, the one who had cut me loose after I fell.
And I said, "Connie Chung, you did the right thing.
" Thank you.
Climb down, Lemon, climb down.
Hey, you're back.
Yes, Nightstalkers is taking a brief permanent hiatus.
Well, maybe now we can talk.
Jenna, I'm your friend.
No matter what.
And I will always Oh, Liz, I would really love to do this.
But I have to go home for the day.
Got you.
So you're sticking with the passive-aggressive acting out.
No, It's not acting out.
I have mercury poisoning from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.
And cup holders.
Everyone loves cup holders.
Okay, I've been up for the last 50 hours, but I think this is a good idea.
Let's get rid of the oven entirely and replace it with an A.
Okay, it's a car.
We've invented the Pontiac Aztek.
Thank you, Subhas.
You are the dealbreaker.
Ugh, oh.
Ugh, that's a bill.
Tracy Hey, roomie, did you order pay-per-view at my apartment? I'm willing to go splitsies.
No, I'm not paying for any of this.
You ordered six adult movies in two days? The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt? Lovely.
I'ma Do Us? What does that even mean? That's a pun on Amadeus, dummy.
I will not be judged by you.
You caused this whole folderol.
And until you are adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica.
Oh, yeah.
And I used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from The Teaching Company.
So you're saying once you figure out how to get back at me, you and the dogs will leave my apartment? Affirmative.
I have to climb down into the darkness.
I know what you should do with my life rights.
Pete, keep tours out of the studio for the next couple days.
I need you to build a set that looks like my apartment.
And get all the hand sanitizer you can find.
Wait, wait, why do you need Tracy's producing a porno based on my life.
And I'm writing it.
I didn't think it would end like this, Jonathan.
Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A whimper indeed, Jack.
I only came by to wish you luck in your new venture.
What do you think that will be? Selling fake weed to N.
Students? I'll have you know that Barry Diller and I are working on a whole new approach to media, combining all the digital God! Just let me drink.
See you around, Jack.
Thanks for letting me be such a big part of you hitting rock bottom, huh? Not yet, Banks.
I can go lower.
Into the crevasse.
What? You played this all wrong.
You want to humiliate me? You want to destroy me? You should have walked in here with a check.
Again, what? Sure, maybe you've ruined my career.
Maybe you'll never see me again.
But if you had forced me to take government bailout money you'd be my boss.
Oh, my.
You'd have to come down to Washington and report to me.
Like a little schoolboy.
Your hands sticky from candy.
And the worst part is, I wouldn't even want the money.
No, you wouldn't.
Jack Donaghy taking welfare? It would kill you.
But with so many jobs at stake You'd have to take it.
I'd make you.
I'd make you take it all.
And I'd roll over and let you give it to me.
I'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay.
No one is, it's just happening.
One word to the President, and I own you.
I own this office.
I own that fancy, little fellow outside.
It'd kill me, but I'd do it for the company.
Hey, Sasha, is your dad home? What, you have to invite everyone to your party? Even Zach S? Everyone, settle.
And action.
It's not just about the new cast member.
When you always put the show ahead of me, it makes me feel like we're growing apart.
Jenna, you're my friend.
No matter what, I will always look out for you.
That's not going to change.
Oh, Liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.
Okay, we should get out of here.
Yeah, we should.
Everything good with Tracy? Yeah, I think so.
And Jenna and Frank and even Subhas.
And you? I live to fight another day, but at what cost? Oh, boy, I know the feeling.
What a week, huh? Lemon, it's Wednesday.
But it's not all bad news.
My retainer.
Now my dad won't be mad at me.
Ow! Ah! Ah, ah, ow! Take it out, Lemon! You take it out, Donaghy! Everything good with Tracy? I think so.
And Jenna too and Frank.
And even Subhas.
And you? I live to fight another day, but at what cost? Oh, boy, I know the feeling.
What a week, huh? Lemon, it's Wednesday.
But it's not all bad news.
My retainer! How will I ever thank you? And cut! This is disgusting.
Shut it down.