30 Rock s04e08 Episode Script

Secret Santa

Your hair is looking less weird.
Thanks.
Okay, Christmas gifts.
Uh, Pete? Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans.
So Cheese of the Month Club.
Uh, Jenna? Oh, I want to take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.
Aw, she'll love that.
Okay.
Uh, Jack? Jack Donaghy? Yeah.
Huh, well, I've never exchanged gifts with Jack before.
But we've known each other four years.
I mean, we're friends, right? Absolutely.
You guys remind me of that bantering couple in that old movie.
Um Meet the Parents.
Oh, my, is it yearbook time already? The company has acquired an up-and-coming social networking site called YouFace.
So each executive has to set up their YouFace page.
Now this picture will be my "PhoLo".
Not a word.
Which is a contraction for "photo" and "hello".
YouFace.
Who are you facing? No one.
Those sites are for horny, married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy emails with their old high school boyfriends.
And since all your high school boyfriends are now gay Exactly.
So, Lemon, what can I do for you? Do you want to exchange Christmas presents this year? Uh, just, uh I would love to.
Great, so what do you want? Excuse me? Well, in my family, everybody just writes down what they want and then, we give it to each other.
And everybody has a great Christmas.
Lemon, gift giving is the purest expression of friendship.
I'm going to think about what I know and like about you, and that will lead me to the perfect gift.
And you do the same.
So bath salts in a coffee mug would be not it.
Thanks.
Hey, new guy, how's it going? Well, I'm worried.
I haven't been on the show the last two weeks.
Good stuff, listen.
Every Christmas, I collect money from the staff and give it to the cleaning ladies.
Yeah, of course.
Count me in.
Jenna, would you care to chip in? No, thank you.
I'm doing my own thing this year.
She does this every year.
She doesn't give the money because she knows that the card says "From the cast and writers of T.
G.
S.
" And she'll get credit for it anyway.
I should make up new cards that say "Happy Holidays from Everyone Except Jenna".
But that would require me to have some remaining life force, Danny.
So I'm going to go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.
I've been finger tagged, Lemon.
Was it down by the subway entrance? 'Cause I saw a gangly looking kid down there.
"Finger tagged" means I have been contacted by someone else on YouFace.
In this case, that would be Nancy Donovan, the cutest girl at East Sadchester High School, class of 1976.
That's the year my mom was born.
Would you get us some pens? See, I told you you'd find an old girlfriend.
She wasn't my girlfriend, Lemon.
But I must admit Nancy Donovan was my first crush.
My first crush was Larry Wilcox.
The blonde guy from CHiPs? Bowl haircut? Thin lips? This wasn't a T.
V.
Crush.
This was real.
Oh, mine got pretty real.
Here is a woman I haven't seen in 25 years.
One day on YouFace, and she finds me, tells me that she's coming down to pick up her sons at Fordham, and she'd love to swing by.
What does that mean? Did she post you Public or P.
M.
You? I don't know.
Let's look at her page.
Okay.
W-W-W Got it.
I'll check her Face-Vault to see her previous "Bing-Bings.
" Is YouFace hyphenated? Huh, six months ago, her status said she was married.
But 14 days ago, she changed it to "Working On It".
Really, may I see that? Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace.
There are definitely faces here, but they are not being treated with respect.
Ew.
Kenneth.
Bag of names.
"Seeka Sanna".
"Seeka Sanna".
Kenneth is doing his Secret Santa Fun Swap thing.
Ugh, He takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them.
And then, the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person.
If they want to switch, they cannot.
Unless they do.
Then everyone puts their head down, except the murderer.
Oh, wait, that's not right.
The whole thing was so confusing, I ended up getting my own crappy gift back.
Like I need two copies of "Over 60 Vixens".
Mr.
Rossitano, would you like to participate in our studio-wide Secret Santa Fun Swap? I totally would do Secret Santa, but I don't believe in Christmas because I'm a Verdukian.
Yes, we are all very strict Verdukians.
Oh, my apologies.
I've never heard of that religion.
What do y'all believe in? Oh, many things.
Uh, the healing power of root beer.
That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.
And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.
So good Merlinpeen to you, Kenneth.
Good Merlinpeen.
Good Merlinpeen.
Talk to me, what's this? Is this a store Jack likes? Unbelievable.
Do you really think you belong on Mr.
Donaghy's personal gift list? Why not? We're friends.
He's the best gift giver in the world.
I tried once.
I bought him a $ 95 bottle of olive oil.
In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail.
Oh, brother.
You will never match him.
And I'll be here next year to take you off of that list.
Even if I get into law school, I won't go.
All right.
Jonathan, would you Oh, Lemon.
Come in here for a minute.
I want you to meet my old friend, Nancy Donovan.
That's my maiden name.
I keep telling you.
Things have changed.
You know, your hair It's like a shag carpet.
I want to sit on it and play a board game.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Is your family here? Uh, just the boys.
My husband couldn't make it.
Husband couldn't make it.
Oh, I brought something to show you.
It's, uh It's goofy.
I know.
Oh, my goodness.
"Hey, Beantown".
"Hey, Beantown" was the school musical Nancy and I were in.
I thought you had stage fright.
# Hey, Beantown # # The Puritans found you # # Hey, Beantown # # Water surrounds you # # So let's watch the Sox play ball # # Play ball! # # Hey, Beantown, you've got it all # Whoo! Yeah, I did plays in high school too.
I was John Proctor in "The Crucible".
Oh, you went to an all girls' school? No.
Jack played Paul Revere.
And we were all jealous of Lisa Alberson 'cause she got to play his horse.
Bless her heart.
She had a hypoactive thyroid.
Do you remember the time she cannonballed into Mel and Deschette's above-ground pool and tore the lining? And floated out into the street! And got hit by that car? I have never heard you laugh like that before! That's how he laughs when he's really crackin' up.
What, have you been faking it with me for the last three years? What are you, Hugh Hefner's twin girlfriends? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
She still owes me $10.
That's true.
Yeah, he was always a thief, that guy He was a moocher.
What's with all the junk, Ken? Well, these are my all-inclusive holiday decorations.
Here's a little Christmas tree.
Okay.
A menorah.
A picture of President Obama for the Muslims.
Going to let that one slide.
And a bowl of meat cubes with picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out, in the tradition of Verdukianism.
Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense.
Jimmy is Catholic.
Ah, Good Merlinpeen, gentlemen.
Good Merlinpeen.
So you guys are Verdukians? Yep, that's why we can't do Secret Santa.
Mm-hm.
Then sing that Verdukian winter carol.
The famous one.
# Oh # # Meatball of Verduk # # You bring me such # # Pizza # Now a Christmas song.
Oh, Mr.
Baker! Hm? # Oh, holy night # # The stars are brightly shining # What the what? New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.
Danny, was that you? Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that? I didn't think it was important.
Not important? I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week.
Come here.
Listen up.
Jenna's not singing the Christmas solo on Friday's show.
You are.
What? Why? For the most wonderful reason of all.
Christmas vengeance.
Jenna will finally be punished for all the times I had to pay her share of the money for the cleaning ladies.
No, I don't want to steal Jenna's solo.
That's not what the holidays are about.
Maybe Jenna and I could do a duet instead? Yes, a duet.
Share the stage.
She will love that.
I'm sorry.
Are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing it because we don't have a big Jewish population.
I'm not being sarcastic at all.
Okay, great.
Merry Christmas, Pete Hornberger.
I can't believe you're not married.
I thought you'd have some hot-shot, young wife with black hair who says queer stuff like "dressing on the side".
Well, I was married.
But people grow apart.
Was she a bitch, or did you cheat? The former.
The former? What are you, a newscaster? Whatever happened to your Boston accent? You're a liar, Nancy Donovan.
I never had a Boston accent.
What about you, loudmouth? What Southie piece of trash did you trick into marrying you? I'll have you know that my husband happens to be a very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist.
No, I'm kidding you, he's an Irish moron.
Runs a roofing company.
So if you need your roof done, call someone else.
Because my guy's not reliable.
Oh.
What do you say I take you and the boys out to dinner? I know a lot of terrific places.
Uh, I don't know.
They have their hearts set on the ESPN Zone.
They've been talking about the "Hideki Matsui Caliente Fajitas" all week.
Well, let them go to the ESPN Zone, and I'll take you someplace nice.
Yeah, sure.
Why not? Um I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school.
Otherwise, this whole thing would be so awkward.
Excuse me.
We kissed every night on stage in "Hey, Beantown".
No, that doesn't count.
There wasn't even any tongue.
But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians.
They do love it.
How else do you think I got Mr.
Sorrentino to cast me as the Spirit of Liberty? A duet? Really? I didn't know you sang.
It's funny, because it's kind of my thing.
Next thing I know, you're going to be telling me you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.
Maybe I should hear you sing.
That way, I can plan our harmonies.
# Oh, Danny boy # # The pipes, the pipes are calling # # From glen to glen, and down the mountainside # I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding? Yes, because I'm so happy for you.
It's definitely not a rage stroke.
Oh, great.
What's up, Special K? Having a party? Not me, sir.
Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures.
Misters Rossitano, Spurlock and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blond virgin.
Your generosity is being taken advantage of.
What do you mean? Verdukianism.
It's fake.
Those dudes made it up because they didn't want to do Secret Santa.
But they had all these rules and rituals.
That's what religion is, K-Fed.
Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people.
Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why.
Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that other religions are made up by man too? Uh-oh, Ken.
We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here.
And if you try to grab onto me, we'll both drown.
What if there is no God? Okay, time to go.
So far, she's just uploaded some pictures.
"My Christmas Trip to New York with the boys".
Ice skating, sure.
Nancy cupping Burt Reynolds' crotch at the wax museum.
That finger touching his moustache is me.
Why did she crop me out of all these pictures? No, it's good.
If Nancy didn't care about you, she'd leave you in.
But she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there.
She feels weird in a good way.
Weird in a good way, huh.
Like going to the gym drunk.
She changed her status from "Working On It" to "Weirdsies".
O.
M.
F.
G.
Is that maroon and navy? Nerds! Don't tell me, Lemon.
You spent $500 on a tie I already have.
At a store with a "no returns" policy.
Oh, shark farts.
But this is my lucky tie.
And anyone who knows me well would know that.
Just like I know you only wear that sweater when you're planning on eating pasta with red sauce.
Nice haircut.
Let's level the playing field.
How about the most we can spend on each other's gifts is zero dollars? Really? You want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well.
You are the one that's in trouble now, buddy.
Because creativity, to me, is just like like a bird.
Like a friendly bird that embraces all ideas.
Just, like, shoots out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.
Wow, Lemon.
This is like watching Hemingway write.
Mark Hemingway.
Yeah, wait.
Why are you wearing your lucky tie? I'm having dinner tonight with Nancy.
Alone.
She changed her status to "Weirdsies".
What are your expectations here? She's married.
Uh, I don't know, Lemon.
Nancy's leaving tomorrow.
Can't I just enjoy this while it lasts? That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out.
But you made me go get help.
Hey.
Did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room and punch me in the throat? No.
He's bigger than you said.
May I still collect my kiss? Vattene! Why would you do that, Jenna? I thought we were buddies.
You don't fool me with your innocent act.
First, you force your way into my solo.
I didn't force anything.
Pete is the one that wanted to take away your solo.
What? Why? He's mad that you don't chip in for the cleaning ladies' Christmas gifts.
Well, I'm doing my own thing.
I got them this.
The program from this year's Asian Women in Television Awards.
Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize.
A FlipVideo.
Hang on, I didn't know this was in there.
Wow, you're really getting the Christmas spirit.
Oh, my God.
I just got sarcasm.
Fine, I'm terrible at Christmas because I've never had a nice one.
Sometimes, my mom would take us to see Santa Claus, but that's just because she suspected one of them was my deadbeat dad.
So I'd have to get on every Santa's lap in the Bakersfield area and scream, "You ought be ashamed of yourself, Travis!" Oh, no.
That sounds horrible.
And then, I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.
And those few minutes when I was singing carols, That was the one part of Christmas I liked.
And now, you've taken that away from me.
Well, that went well.
Yes.
You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.
Something you want to say? We want to do Secret Santa! Yay! Secret Santa has been cancelled.
Because I have lost my faith.
But something's changed in us.
It's a Christmas miracle.
That certainly proves God exists.
If God existed, then he would punish you for what you did to me.
And yet, here you are, unpunished.
Ergo, our actions have no consequences.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy some guitar music.
You have turned Ken out, on Christmas! You will fix this.
How? Punish yourselves! Hey, what was the name of that abandoned factory where we used to go shoot B.
B.
Guns at rats? Wolford Cap and Gown.
Of course.
Is that still there? No, they tore it down and put up a big playground.
Oh, what a shame.
Yeah.
So, uh, can I buy you a nightcap? Better not.
We've got an early train back to Boston tomorrow.
And you know how hard it is to get teenagers out of bed in the morning.
Oh, yes.
But not in the way you're talking about.
It was great to see you, Jack.
I'll, uh I'll hit you on YouFace.
But you've got to promise to finger tag me back.
I'd like nothing more.
Help, Lutz thought that red wire was a Twizzler! Kenneth, he's being punished by a stern but just God.
You can't fake this, Mr.
Lutz.
Or hurt yourself on purpose by, say, grabbing that blue wire, which would've immediately killed you.
It needs to be God's will.
I almost touched that blue wire.
I could have died.
I'm gonna tell Sharon I love her.
I don't care if we're cousins! What is this? This is your zero dollars present.
# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, my friend is Jack # # If you like his necktie, pat him on the back # # He's a Jack-attack, paddy whack, give the man a snack # Nope, never mind.
Not your present.
Uh, no, please.
Don't go.
I'm sorry that I wasn't even able to feign interest in whatever that was.
Nancy left this morning.
She'll be on the 12:10 out of Penn Station.
Do you ever wonder, Lemon, what your life would be like if you had never left your hometown? Oh, of course.
Have you not read my terrible short story, "The Two Paths of Virginia Apple"? I've spent my whole life trying to erase where I came from.
But after these moments with Nancy, for the first time in my life I'm homesick.
Well, you'll stay in touch, right? I don't know.
Nancy's going back to her husband.
Her life.
I think this was just a moment in time.
I just wish it had lasted a little bit longer.
Okay, well, I'm going to go work on your real gift.
You know what would go real nice on that wall over there? A drawing of a frog.
No.
No.
Back in five four, three, two # Frosted windowpanes # # Candles gleaming inside # # Painted candy canes on the tree # # Santa's on his way # # He's filled his sleigh with things # # Things for you and me # # It's that time of year # # When the world falls in love # # Every song you hear seems to say # # Merry Christmas # # May your New Years dreams come true # Hey, Jack.
My train got cancelled.
We spent all day at Penn Station trying to get out.
I figured I should finally take the hint and meet you for that drink.
Well, I'm glad you came back.
And I figured I owed you a kiss goodbye.
I mean, uh, what's the big deal? We did it every night in "Hey, Beantown".
We'll just do it high school style.
No tongue.
# And this song of mine # # In three quarter time # # Wishes you and yours # # The same thing too # Merry Christmas, Lemon.
The gender-blind Crucible! Framed in wood from the stage of your high school theater.
Jonathan had to drive all over Pennsylvania, and I did not reimburse him for gas.
Zero dollars.
Thank you, Jack, that's amazing.
And don't worry about my present.
I already got the greatest Christmas gift you could imagine.
Nancy came back to say goodbye.
Her train was cancelled.
Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn Station? You're welcome.
Merry Christmas.
Hi, which of you are Frank Rossitano and James Spurlock? That's us.
You're under arrest.
What did we do? Someone called in a bomb threat from your phone this morning.
I renounce Verdukianism! What, what does that mean? Are you Al Qaeda? Come here, pal.
My angry God is punishing them.
It's a Christmas miracle.
# And this song of mine # # In three quarter time # # Wishes you and yours # # The same thing too # # Merry Christmas to you # Are you Larry Wilcox? Yes, ma'am, this evening, you have permission to call me Officer Jon Baker.
Oh, but, uh, no sex stuff and no touching my gun.
Of course, yeah.
Merry Christmas, Lemon.
Okay.
Wait, how is this zero dollars? Well, he promised to get me on Dancing With the Stars.
But that's on A.
B.
C.
Donaghy!