30 Rock s04e14 Episode Script

Future Husband

When you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my D.
Player? You did.
You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, then you turned it off.
Thanks for babysitting me.
I did my best, but you were pretty far gone.
You kept trying to order home massages off of craigslist.
Good thing you were here.
Hey, somebody order a massage? Oh, brother.
You're too late! I already killed her! Ah! Well played, Lemon.
You went running? I thought you'd left.
Who else is out there this early? Almost exclusively women that look like me.
If the pervert community gets wind of morning jogging, God help us.
Have you seen this? They keep talking about Sheinhardt selling N.
To, uh, CableTown.
That's never going to happen.
How could a company from Philadelphia buy a company from New York? That would be like Vietnam defeating the United States in a ground war.
I don't know, Jack.
My sources Well, I'm telling you that Don Geiss and I spoke about this and that sale is dead.
Look, I read his autobiography, Geiss Cubes, whatever that means.
It means the book is filled with cubes of knowledge.
It's a good title.
The principles in this book are timeless.
I can open to any page.
"Because a woman's brain has fewer folds.
" Okay, hang on.
Uh, "The Negroid musculature" Nobody's buying anybody.
Hey, where is Frank? He still hasn't rewritten the Olympics sketch about Lindsay Vonn, who won the gold medal for skiing.
Oh, Mister Rossitano called to say he overslept and I should make up an excuse for him.
So here goes: On his way to work, he found some magic beans, and because he believed in them Ship up.
Frank, Frank, Frank.
What is this? "Future Husband"? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"? I have absolutely no idea.
Well, whenever I find something weird on my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to the last time I was drunk.
Oh, my God.
The dentist's office.
Oh, your dentist gets drunk with you too? No, when I was under the anesthesia, I did a bunch of stuff I don't remember.
Including meeting the man of your dreams? Oh, Miss Lemon, it's so romantic.
Just like that movie I only saw the first 10 minutes of- Fatal Attraction.
Liz, you have to call him.
What? No.
I was out of my mind on painkillers.
I have zero memory of this guy.
I don't know what he looks like.
He could be a serial killer.
He could wear a thumb ring.
Miss Lemon, you're such a pessimist.
You know what my motto is? "Everything always works out for the best.
" Watch this.
I just threw my wallet out the window.
But I'm not worried.
Why? Because everything always works out for the best.
Uh, I'm sorry.
How was that supposed to make me call this guy? Be an optimist, Miss Lemon.
Watch T.
This Friday on On I think we got it.
Okay, good first take.
Maybe we go one more time.
Excuse me? Do you know who you're talking to? A future Tony-nominated actor.
That's right.
It is Tony eligibility season.
And I'm going for the "T" in my "EGOT".
Really? You've been cast on Broadway? I'm doing a one-man show.
You are? When? Tonight.
Have you prepared anything? What am I, a nerd? I'm going to keep it loose, Liz Lemon.
Jonathan! Jonathan, why is it so quiet in here? Why aren't the phones ringing? Is it Senior Executive Skip Day? That's usually in the Spring so we can go to an amusement park.
No, sir, I don't understand.
Maybe we're the last people on earth.
Maybe we are legend.
You're Will Smith and I'm the dog.
Hello? Answering your own phone on the first ring? It's all hands on deck over there, huh? Uh, what do you mean? Come on, the N.
What's happening today? I'm sorry.
You're calling me as a source? How are you going to explain your "unnamed executive" to your producer? I'll tell him it's a guy I'm having sex with.
It'sa 24-hour news cycle here, Jack.
We really don't have time to do it right anymore.
So what do you want to know? Okay.
I know the deal is happening today.
The board is having a secret meeting.
I just need a confirmation.
What? No.
I already told you this morning.
There's no deal.
Oh, my God.
You really don't know what's going on.
They cut you out of the loop, Jack, because you're against it.
No, I'm not out of the loop.
I just can't talk about it.
I'm actually finishing up a meeting right now.
Rhubarb, rhubarb, golf.
I'm going to have to call you back.
I want you to go down into your little assistant underworld and find out where everybody is.
I don't care what it takes.
This is a matter of life or death.
Yes, sir.
But if anything should happen to me, I want you to read, Oh, the Places You'll Go at my funeral.
I'm not doing that.
Rinse, please.
Well, you're healing very nicely.
You may continue to experience sensitivity for a few more days.
When can I start eating hard cheeses again, doctor? I've had this pamphlet printed up.
It was expensive, but I'm really tired of discussing this with you.
Kaplan, the last time I was here, I think I made a gentleman friend.
But because of the anesthesia, I can't remember where or how.
Well, there was another patient in the recovery room with you.
And I remember you were both laughing quite a bit.
So, uh, who is he? What does he look like? He has some gum recession.
Four-pockets on 14 and 15.
But overall, very good teeth.
Especially for an Englishman.
Ooh, he's English? I've said too much.
I really can't tell you anything about him.
You know, doctor-patient confidentiality.
Oh, come on.
I mean, you're not really a doctor.
Well, If that's how you feel, then you're not really a patient.
And people who aren't patients don't get toys from the treat bucket.
But there's a Batman in there! Yeah, and if you wind him up, he swims in the bath.
Damn you, Kaplan! Who's here? I need someone to be outraged to.
Oh, I'm here, Miss Maroney.
I actually slept here because my house keys are in my wallet.
It wasn't too bad.
Late at night, these two, little, twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever.
Have you seen this? Is that a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade pun? In March? It's a rave review.
For Tracy.
It's as if "Claps-Giving Yay Harade" has lost all meaning.
I did it! I'm a Broadway star! Jenna, could you accept my Tony on my behalf? June is a tough month for me because I begin life-guarding again.
You know, renting a theater for one night and babbling onstage for an hour Five hours.
Doesn't make you an actor.
I don't know.
People seemed to like it.
Well, it certainly doesn't get you a Tony Award.
I know the Tony rules because I've been petitioning for them to add a category for Living Theatrically in Normal Life.
And I know for a fact you have to do your show a minimum of eight times to be eligible.
Wait, the same show? Of course the same show.
But I can't do that.
I'm a spontaneous actor.
I never do the same thing twice.
Action! Honey, I'm home! Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! Jeffrey, we lost the tournament! I can't do seven more performances.
Well, then, you better think of something else that starts with "T".
For your little necklace.
Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement? # Jonathan downloads Geiss' schedule # # Mr.
Donaghy will be grateful # Oh, good morning, Miss Lemon.
Still haven't found your wallet, huh? No, and I realized there was a prescription in there I should have filled yesterday.
It keeps me from Hee-haw, hee-haw! Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell.
Well, I went to the dentist yesterday, and I actually found out a little bit about my mystery guy.
And? And I now know that he is English and he made me laugh.
That's wonderful! Even if he does come from a country that's nothing more than the dried husk America came out of.
So are you going to call him? And say what? That "You're my future husband"? I'd like to at least know what this guy looks like before I put myself out there.
Then, we need to find a way for you to see him.
Through trickery.
We all know deceit is okay if it's done for love.
Like when Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest.
Or when Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him.
This is Wesley.
This is Nurse Jamakaiah from Dr.
Kaplan's office.
So here's da ting.
You need to come in today so the doctor can check dem teeth, mon.
Oh, is theresomething wrong? My check-up isn't for another week.
He tinks dat toot might have some bad mojo in it, ja see.
Might you be available to come in around 1:30, me lad? You're going Irish! Okay, 1:30's fine.
Cool runnings, mon.
See, Miss Lemon? I told you everything would Hee-haw, hee-haw! Stay away, I will bite you! Hee-haw! Jack, what brings you down to news? Hey, C.
Nightly News rules.
Go break a story, Williams! Nightly rules! Avery, I have some information for you.
But in exchange, I need you to do something for me.
I told you last night, no.
Why would you even want to braid my hair? Because it's romantic and I'm really good at it.
But this is strictly professional.
I saw Don Geiss' schedule.
And you're right.
There is something going on.
And I know where.
This is Jack Welch's address in Connecticut.
But Don Geiss was seen last night at the Ritz-Carlton in Philadelphia.
Or he could have driven back by now.
Ah, thanks for the tip.
In return, here's how you're going to report it.
"Geiss Fights Off Buyout, "Keeps Company Intact, Makes This Gesture".
Jack, I can't do that.
Because this deal is happening.
And if Don Geiss is fighting it, You should start distancing yourself from him.
Distancing myself? That man is my mentor.
He taught me how to command a room with my voice.
Back to work! All I'm saying is, the writing's on the wall.
Do you think it was easy for me to cut ties from my old mentor, Pat O'Brien, after he shaved his moustache? So this is what you do to people? You use them, and then you throw them aside? That is not fair.
This is not about us.
This is about us.
I came here asking you to help me.
And I'm trying to help you.
Being Don Geiss' guy just became a liability.
I have spent 30 years trying to be that guy.
But you're never going to be! Because no one is! That world doesn't exist anymore! You're making me sound just like my mother! Someone like you couldn't possibly understand.
I'm going to Connecticut.
I'm going to stand by my man.
Which is the song that I sang to Don at his promotion dinner.
Excuse me, Miss Maroney.
Would you be interested in going to Mr.
Jordan's show tonight? I know he could use your support.
I don't think so.
If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again.
I'm just worried Mr.
Jordan may not EGOT.
He has no idea what he did in his show last night.
And without my wallet, I don't even have my lucky rabbit's spine.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I'll tell you what's going to happen.
It's going to be a disaster.
The man is not an actor and has no business being on stage.
Why, with a curtain five hours from now, it would take the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen to make his show a success.
Fine, I'll do it! Sign in, we're running behind today.
We'll be with you as soon as we can.
This is Wesley.
Hello? # What # # Huh # # Right # # What # # Oh # Can you tell me why you come up on my phone as "Future Wife"? Would you like to get coffee? Mine was actually an infection in the right, rear molar caused by some loose bristles from an off-brand toothbrush that I had to buy over Christmas because my mom threw away my old Snoopy one.
Wow, this is not interesting.
I don't know what caused my root canal situation.
Well, British people have notoriously bad teeth, so I've never heard that.
Really? You've never heard people make jokes about British teeth? None of the Brits I know have a situation with their teeth.
Well, it's just a thing people say.
Like when they say older women have breadback.
What's breadback? The loaf of back fat between a woman's bra and her giant underwear.
No, that's not a thing.
People don't say that.
Not to you, no.
I think we're getting off on the wrong foot here.
It's turned into a bit of a situation.
You use that word too much.
So any siblings? Wow.
It's good to see you again.
Please, John, call me Jack.
I actually go by Jack, as well.
I don't think so.
Well, I'd like to talk to Don.
I know he's here.
He is here.
But he's dead.
What? He died three weeks ago.
The company wanted to keep it quiet until the deal went through.
So I've been Hiding him in your freezer.
Just like we did with Hiram Sheinhardt during the R.
Look, I know how much Don meant to you.
And if you need to pass some eye water, I'll be happy to go out and get you some weakness tissues.
No, I'm not crying in front of Jack Welch.
Neutron Jack.
And I'm not giving up.
Don Geiss wanted this company kept intact.
And these people are from Philadelphia! Let it go, John! It's over.
Miss Lemon! How did the dentist's office go? Did you meet Wesley? I did meet him.
We even went out for coffee.
And? And it was a disaster.
We were so awkward that the waitress gave us separate checks without asking.
And a priest came over and asked us who we'd lost.
But it has to work out.
Does it? Do you have your wallet back? Did I find my future husband? Sometimes, everything is just the worst, Kenneth.
Jack? It's over, Lemon.
It's all over.
What? What's wrong? Don Geiss is dead.
Oh, my God.
They're selling N.
To a company called KableTown.
With a "K".
Oh, yeah, my parents have KableTown down in Pennsylvania.
It's a fine and generous company.
My dream, the dream I've had since I was a child, is gone.
I'll never be the C.
Of The General.
Oh, Jack, I'm so sorry.
Will I still be able to turn in old cab receipts, or do you think I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Maybe you should talk to Avery.
I don't know about Avery anymore.
She's probably distancing herself from me as we speak.
I'm alone.
I'm the protege' of a dead man.
At a company that no longer exists.
Did you hear that? That's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all around the world.
Yeah, well, I hear something else.
It's the Hug Plane coming in for a landing? You're cleared for approach.
Acting is about consistency and control.
Got it, no farting.
I'm going to teach you the skills that will allow you to perform your show every night.
Let us begin with elocution.
Repeat after me.
After me.
No, Tracy.
No, stop it, not this part.
No, stop it.
We've got to start over.
I farted.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock.
To sit in darkness in a sharp, shock shop in darkness in sitting in sharp.
This is stupid.
This is not stupid.
These are the building blocks of the craft of acting.
Something I have dedicated my life to, ever since my very first job as "Baby Stuck in Well" in a commercial for Well Guards.
"Well Guards.
Guard your well well.
" I remember that commercial.
You were a fat baby.
Well, maybe we're just going to have to agree to disagree on the acting process.
You have no process! Acting is the discipline of being someone else at all times.
I don't know.
When I'm acting, I just do me.
And people seem to love it.
Then, I guess you don't need my help.
Go out there and be yourself.
Go on stage and read the damn phone book, for all I care! Kenneth What are you going to do, Mr.
Jordan? Do you think you can repeat your performance? Your performance.
Liz? Do you work here? Yeah, remember at coffee, you said you hadn't seen the show, but you'd heard bad things? Uh-huh.
What are you doing here? I'm supposed to meet Kenneth Parcell.
I found his wallet.
What? You must be my wallet angel.
No, this is not possible.
But it is.
I knew my wallet would turn up.
And it did.
No, Kenneth, this is Wesley.
From the dentist's office.
Oh, my goodness.
This is the guy from the dentist's office.
He found my wallet! Oh, I am either very happy right now, or I'm having a pretty bad donkey spell.
I'm okay.
It will pass.
This is crazy.
I guess we have to give it another shot.
I guess we do.
Dinner tonight? Perfect.
Do you like Tex-Mex? No, I don't.
See you there.
The F.
Will now investigate this large-scale, multi-million dollar sale to Kabletown.
And now, the$5.
6 billion question: Who will take the reins of the cable giant's new acquisition? According to my sources, the clear frontrunner current G.
Executive, Jack Donaghy.
The people I'm talking to say he's the only guy out there with the programming experience, business savvy, and piercing, blue eyes of a Siberian husky that the job requires.
I'm told Donaghy was instrumental in making this deal happen.
And I spoke to him earlier.
He refused to speculate, but did say, and I'm quoting here, "I'm going to celebrate by buying my lady friend "that necklace she pointed out and then, cooking her a Western omelette," end quote.
And then, I'm going to braid your hair.
Despite an afternoon rally, the market did finish quite lower.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average down about 19 points, and the NASDAQ down by 2.
And the S&P-500 Klarsfeld, Rubin M.
Klarvet, Yuri.
Klassen, Igor.
Klastoren, Robert.
Klatsko, Harold.
Klauber, Tatyana.
I'm his acting teacher.
Bordinay, Lorenzo.
Jenloe, Martin.
Prodeman, Gil.
Takahamo, Jessica.
Themopolis, Dorothy.
Lipowitz, Lauren.
Bravo! It's a triumph!