30 Rock s04e17 Episode Script

Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter

And I think we can both conclude that we finished Q-one with better than expected results.
And I can promise that my performance will improve, especially if you're a little more flexible on your end.
I love it when you talk dirty to me.
I cannot wait to see you tonight.
What are you going to wear? To a museum gala? Think slutty Grace Kelly.
Oh, God bless you.
I'm picturing it right now.
Uh, and the opposite of that just walked in.
Tell Liz I said hi.
I will.
Happy birthday, Jack.
I got you a card.
It's one of those new ones where you can record a message.
Test, test, test.
This is a test for Jack's card.
# Wonder Woman! # Excuse me, how do you re-record on these things? Whatever, I'll definitely figure it out.
Thank you, Lemon.
But my true present is that exquisite ensemble.
You look like a prison weed dealer.
I'm coming back from a singles Dodgeball match, okay? Good God.
The YMCA near my apartment offers a variety of singles activities, and I am forcing myself to go to all of them.
Well, I'm glad you're trying.
But I wish you didn't have to.
Lemon, are you wearing a cup? Oh, I forgot.
Only guys can get hurt there.
I just wish it were easier for you.
You need an Avery simple, fun, uncomplicated.
As my good friend and fox hunting partner Mary J.
Blige would say, "No more drama.
" Happy birthday! Nancy, what are you doing here? It's done, Jack.
I'm divorced.
Hey, how did your dodgeball thing go? Did you meet anyone? Not really.
There was one okay guy.
Eat it, bitch! What is wrong with you? He was flirting.
Did you ever even talk to him? I yelled at him about a rule violation.
Oh His foot was over the line.
How many more of these things are you going to? Line dancing this afternoon.
Then tomorrow is the wine and cheese tasting.
Or, as I like to call it, "Singles Fart Suppression".
Maybe I should go with you.
Be your wingman.
Well, thanks, Jenna, but you don't want to do that.
No, it will be good acting research for me.
I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder's Wingman Incorporated.
I look forward to not watching that on an airplane.
And this is our wardrobe department.
Uh, Nancy, this is the star of our show, Tracy Jordan.
Tracy, this is Not now, Jackie D.
I heard on the walkie-talkies that there's a red-headed MILF walking around with some executive.
You know what? That felt really good.
So, I'll, uh, see you at lunch.
Kenneth, would you please show Mrs.
Dougherty I'm sorry, um Ms.
Donovan to the elevator? Have we met before? You shut your mouth.
Now you're having lunch? Does Avery know about this? Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut.
Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.
I feel like you've been saving that one.
Obviously, this is unexpected.
I really didn't think that Nancy would ever get divorced.
Why would a lady get divorced at 50? Stick it out.
Men die first, then you have two wonderful years, then you die.
Yes, Nancy showing up is a gamechanger.
But if I blow this up now, all three of us will suffer.
So what are you going to do? I'm going to make the most of this opportunity.
I'm going to pursue both relationships, see how they develop, and then make an informed decision.
You're going to juggle them? No, even you can't pull this off, Jack.
Doubtfire "shimself" could not do this.
You are going to blow it.
And you're going to end up alone, and you're going to have to go to singles dodgeball.
Put on these rec specs.
This is your future.
Lemon, no.
Ugh God.
The band is soaking.
You will not believe what just happened to me.
A guy on the subway just called me a "biggledeeboo".
What's a "biggledeeboo"? It's an 18th Century word for dark-skinned Moor.
I've learned the word "black" in every language, just so I know when to be offended.
Well, I'm sure it was just an isolated incident.
Nah, I'm telling you, Dotcom.
Old school racism is back.
How can racism be back when we elected a black president? Barry Obams is the one who brought it back.
So you're saying that racism is back because white people no longer feel sorry for us? Hey, something's going on.
You know what I seen last night? A Slovin Shield commercial with a black burglar.
Black man! That's not good.
Come to think of it, I saw a white judge on Law and Order last night.
Oh, yeah.
It's back on.
Get ready, son.
All you've ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah Cover Girl commercials.
And one, two, and hip, four, five, six, and seven, eight.
I'm sorry, are we expecting more men? I'm Jerem.
I collect posters.
Look at me, Jerem.
I know all the steps.
Kind of.
So I know you're, like, the man who has everything.
You know, two of everything, in fact.
But I, um I got you a birthday present.
It's goofy.
Nah, it's it's nothing.
Schwitzer's Salt Water Taffy.
I haven't had this since that summer we worked on Cape Bilge.
I didn't have the heart to tell Mrs.
Schwitzer that you moved to New York, so I told her you were in jail for manslaughter.
I even got them to make you that flavor we invented.
Peanut butter and Miller High Life.
Oh, Nancy, thank you.
I love it.
So, I'm, uh I'm only in town a couple of days.
Do you have to go to this black tie thingy tonight? Is it really better than me? Well, it's not better.
It's different.
There's no way of knowing, at this point, uh which is better.
What? You're a wackadoo, Donaghy.
Well, I want to spend as much time with you as possible.
So, uh why don't we meet for drinks after? You sure? Yes, definitely.
You always know you're at the right party when it feels like the Riddler is about to attack.
Look at this guest list Harvey Weinstein, Glenn Beck, Ashley Olsen These are the people that make New York great.
Come on, let's do the red carpet together.
The Post will love it.
"Money Bunny Avery Jessup steps out with 'Sexecutive' Jack Donaghy.
" Well, no, I can't have my picture taken with you.
Someone might see it.
What's that supposed to mean? Um I'm just saying you're a business reporter, and I'm trying to get F.
Approval for the KableTown deal.
It wouldn't look right.
Like Santa Claus taking a shower.
Okay, I think I get that.
You go ahead.
I'll meet you on the other side with a drink.
Avery, over here! Chelsea! Hey, Chelsea Handler, over here.
Liz I work here because I'm hilarious, right? Is this a trap? Earlier today, Tracy made the accusation that I am the beneficiary of affirmative action.
Yeah, well, Tracy is a buffoon.
That is a 15th Century term for a black pirate.
Racist! Is my presence on this staff tokenism? Toofer, you are an invaluable member of our team.
Then why are my paychecks a different color than Frank's? Because your salary does not come out of our budget.
Look, Toof, you provide a point of view that is essential to keeping the diversity guy from bothering us.
I do not want a job I did not earn.
I am about to utter two words a Harvard man never says.
"I'm cool"? No, I'm sorry.
You can't set me up like that.
Don't quit.
I quit.
Wow, you look like Mr.
And you look like "you won second prize in a beauty contest, collect $10".
Are you sure you don't mind just having a drink up here? I walked all the way to Battery Park today in high-heeled boots like a moron.
Well, no, I prefer it.
Something from the mini-bar? Oh, no, are you kidding me? With those prices? Left over from my Amtrak ride.
That's my Donovan.
So listen, uh I know we've waited a long time for me to be single.
And I really want our first evening together to be special, and Oh, God, this is so queer.
I guess what I'm trying to say is can we wait until the morning to fool around? 'Cause I'm exhausted, and I've got the night bloats.
Yes, the morning.
I'm exhausted too.
Let's, uh, just watch T.
There's a Lee Marvin marathon on Turner Classics.
I thought you said this wasn't going to be sexual? Oh, this is perfect.
I should take this.
Is everything okay? Is everything okay? Here are the bullet points.
Jeter's apartment.
We're playing beer pong.
It's New York Yankees versus former mayors.
I've got $10,000 on the mayors.
Get down here.
Oh, come on, Dinkins, you're killing me! What's going on? It's work.
I've got to go.
Uh, no.
I have to go, I'm sorry.
I'll call you.
Don't work too hard.
How's your episode of Three's Company going? Like Three's Company, it's titillating, yet anxiety-producing.
I need your help, Janet.
Aw, man, being Janet sucks.
After the party last night, I went to Nancy's hotel room.
Then Avery called and made an offer I couldn't refuse.
Ew, were you with both of them on one night? You are officially a John Mayer-style garbage I didn't have sex with anybody.
You were right, Lemon.
I don't think I can do this.
Whichever one I'm with, I think she's the one.
How do you choose between Lee Marvin and Derek Jeter? On looks? Lee Marvin.
I feel like I'm being pulled apart, and I need your help.
Today, I'm going to the boat show with Nancy.
Tonight is my birthday dinner with Avery.
I hate the idea of Nancy having dinner alone at the hotel tonight, so I told her that you wanted to take her out.
No, I have singles wine and cheese tonight.
Then take Nancy with you.
This whole thing is unfair.
You're juggling two beautiful women while I have to pay to have kickballs whipped at me.
This is gender inequity out the yang.
This has nothing to do with the slight difference in our genders.
Yes, it does.
The older you get, the more distinguished you are.
Meanwhile, I'm reading a book called Hiding Your Arms, Hiding Dating Over 35.
Lemon, I am successful romantically because I am confident, open, and positive.
You are negative, pessimistic, and in danger of becoming permanently sour.
Is this you asking me for a favor? Look, if I don't handle this situation right, I'm going to lose both of these women.
And even worse, they're both going to lose me.
Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
Ow, my eyes are stuck.
Help me.
I can't believe Toofer quit.
Do you have any idea how much paperwork I have to fill out because of this? He left with his I.
Tracy, Tracy, Tray Buddy, will you call Toofer and talk some sense into him? Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy.
'Cause we all know each other.
Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos? You know, I've been wanting to say this for a few seconds now.
This workplace has become a hotbed of old school racism.
Come on, Tray, no one here is racist.
Oh, yeah, how come I'm always forced to play "ridickerous" characters that "do-nuhnunciate" well? Uh So what? Look at Italians.
We're always portrayed either as "goombahs" or "guidos".
But we don't care, because we're successful members of society.
So maybe your problem is that you're finally being treated like everybody else.
Nah, You can play it off.
But I know you're all secretly mad because we finally have a black Disney princess.
You know, there actually hasn't been a white princess since 1991.
Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine.
Wow, she's right.
There are little blonde girls in this country who have no idea they can be beautiful.
That's why I started Jenna's Kids.
It's a summer camp that teaches pretty, blonde girls how to be mean.
You call Toofer.
Beg him to come back.
Absolutely not.
Of course not.
The Aryan hates and fears the African man, as we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.
What? No, I didn't want Toofer to quit.
But I respect his decision.
As a woman in this business Shut up, Liz.
and in this world, I have never received special treatment.
At work or in love.
So why should anybody else? Oh, Liz Ugh! I love coming here.
You know, this is one of the only restaurants in America with a veal tank.
It just tastes better when you pick your own.
You know, Jack, I think I know the real reason you were acting weird about doing the red carpet with me.
You're self-conscious about our age difference, and you thought you'd look old standing next to me.
I see.
You're very perceptive.
I get why it's on your mind.
What, with your birthday and my amazing skin.
And, sure, people in this restaurant might think you're my dad.
Or that you're my prostitute.
But what does it matter? Uh Maybe it does matter.
I mean, yeah, if I'd met you 20 years ago well, not you, because you would have been 16, which is, of course, wrong.
I'm just saying, are we kidding ourselves with this? I'm 51 years old.
Do you even know who Lee Marvin is? The sportscaster who bites ladies.
Who cares? Then again, if I were with someone my own age, I'd miss out on a lot of things I want.
I'd never have a family.
Jack, relax.
We've only been together a month.
We don't need to worry about that stuff now.
Especially not on your birthday.
Are these the cufflinks Reagan was buried in.
Don't ask how I got them, but I do know the access code to his pyramid.
Oh, Avery, this is too much.
No, it's perfect, Jack.
Someday, you'll be as great a man as he was.
I do like jellybeans.
Look at me.
I'm at a singles event in New York City.
I mean, sure, it's a little bright in here, and they could have rescheduled that youth karate class.
Yes, Sensei.
But this is fun.
Oh, come on, it's pathetic.
Why am I doing this? 'Cause you're living life.
Hey, how are you doing? Did you see Avatar? Yeah, that new 3-D is amazing.
Yeah, I don't know.
I found myself rooting for our boys in uniform, not those blue hippies.
But full disclosure, I had a couple of drinks prior to.
You know, Liz? Yeah, I thought that Marine robot thing They weren't Marines.
Some of them were former Marines, but they were mercenaries working for a space mining company.
All right.
Uh I'll see you later.
What are you doing? I was warming him up for you, and you start talking about space mining? What, you want to just sit around and be wrong? Come on, Liz.
Every man in this room is single.
Who do you want to meet? Nobody.
I mean, that guy has a beard.
Who knows what's under there? Tattoo guy, too promiscuous.
T-shirt tucked into jeans? Oh, that guy just looks like he'd be mean to me.
God, Liz, you're so negative.
Well, now, you just sound like Jack.
Hey, I'm no relationship expert.
The last time I used a birth control device, it was the '70s, and it looked like soap on a rope.
But every time you say what you don't want, you sound like a cranky cow.
And you're not that.
You're smart and you're fun.
So stop talking about what you don't want and start figuring out what you do want.
And then, go get it.
Jerem! Look how drunk I am! And how full of cheese my mouth is! That's not that much cheese.
No, No, don't! No, it's okay.
I don't want to hurt you.
But I'll tell you what I do want.
I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother.
And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost.
And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross.
I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do.
I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince.
And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old.
And that's what I want.
You make much English.
This is fun alcoholics meeting.
Well, well, well.
Never got a hand up.
Is that right, Liz Lemon? What? Come on, Pete, I'm in a good mood.
And it's over! While trying to find Toofer's dental records in Personnel down on the basement mezzanine, I pulled your file.
Elizabeth I don't know how to pronounce your middle name Lemon.
You attended the University of Maryland on a partial competitive jazz dance scholarship.
So? So NCCA competitive jazz dance was created as part of Title Nine.
You were able to pay for college because of a program that favored women.
Favored women to correct an imbalance.
There's more.
You were only hired by the Second City because they needed someone who could remember to feed the theater cat.
Oh, no, Otis And you're going to hate this one.
The only reason N.
Picked up The Girly Show is because of the flak they got from women's groups after airing the action drama Bitch Hunter.
Happy birthday, bitches! Oh, my God.
I'm no better than Toofer.
Or Lutz with his B.
Inuit ancestry.
Or you, whose dad was in the Masons with Dave Garroway.
I shouldn't be here.
This is America.
None of us are supposed to be here.
I need to dance this out.
Jack, would T.
Have gotten on T.
If I was a dude? No, it was affirmative action.
Why do you think your checks aren't the same color as Howie Mandel's? Two amazing gifts from two amazing women.
Each gift symbolic of the woman who gave it to you.
One, the past, a connection to home, and the man that you were.
The other, the future.
The promise Uh, yes, Lemon, I get it.
I can't let this go on any longer.
I choose Avery.
Right? Yes.
Okay, are you sure it's not just because you saw Avery last? No.
Well Hey, Liz.
How did it go with the guys at dodgeball? Did you let one in? Into your heart, I mean.
It actually went okay.
I'm sorry you and I couldn't get together last night.
Yeah, me too.
But now, I've got to run.
But what do you say I come back in a couple of weeks, I cook you a pot roast, we drink too much wine, and see how it goes? That sounds amazing.
We'll be keeping an eye on this story as it develops.
But it's clearly a conflict of interest.
And, at the risk of editorializing, I am personally outraged.
What are you doing here? Liz has invited me back as a budgeted employee.
Apparently, I'm the only one among us who can spell.
Welcome back, James.
Hang on.
Who's James? As a condition of my re-employment, I have requested that I no longer be called Toofer.
Great, new nickname suggestions, go.
Victoria Q.
Kanye East.
Supervirgin! Splock Short for "Black Spock".
Threefer, because you're also gay.
Okay, fine, fine.
I'll just go back to Toofer.
Welcome back.