30 Rock s04e22 Episode Script

I Do Do

Previously on 30 Rock So you're In three weddings on the same day, yeah.
Fate is telling us we're each other's settling soul mates.
I've been seeing someone else.
And I think I'm in love with both of you.
Jack wants me to stall? So I'm gonna to marry Yafet.
And we're going to live in Nineva.
And I'm going to be a prostitute.
Okay, what else? What else? Yes, I continued to see other people.
No, not people, one person.
Who, apparently, you're also in love with.
It's possible.
Haven't you ever read Archie comics? Jack, I got divorced.
I didn't know if you would ever leave Mark.
So I let myself fall into something else.
Fall into something else? That's just a fancy way of saying you're biting the hot dog at both ends.
You look amazing in that dress.
You look like a gay mortician in that suit.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
Hornberger? Yes, you know, Kenneth, I have a thankless job.
For example, I'm here on a Saturday to show around some KableTown folks.
It's not real.
Point is, I usually only get to deliver bad news.
But not today.
Kenneth, you are the new Junior In-Charge Boy of the entire N.
Page Program.
Oh, my goodness! This is my dream come true! And to hear it from my best friend in the whole world, comma, Bald Category.
Well, you start in two weeks.
And they'll give you some moving money to help you get to L.
California? But that's where they shoot filthy movies, like The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants, which encourages women to wear pants.
I can't move out there and be away from all of you.
No thank you, sir, I'll pass.
You can't pass.
Jack put you up for this.
If you don't want the job, you have to talk to him.
Fine, I will talk to him.
And Mr.
Donaghy will understand, because he's my best friend in the whole world, comma, Beautiful Hair Category, parentheses, Strong.
# And a man must leave his mother # # And a woman needs her bones # What can I say, Nancy? I want to be with you.
I want to take naps with you.
I want to watch you watch a hockey game.
I want to find long, red hairs in my overcooked pot roast.
I love you.
I do love you.
Because you know that what I really am is a poor mama's boy from "Sadchester", Massachusetts, who had to wear his sister's hand-me-down corduroys.
They were orange and had hearts for pockets.
And you like me, anyway.
Yeah, I get it, Jack.
But what are you going to do about it? I can't share you with another woman like you're that Mormon guy on H.
Who was in that tornado movie.
You know, the one with the girl with the forehead who was married to the Jewish guy.
What? I'm a mom, give me a break.
I need to know right now.
Are you in or are you out? In.
Nancy, I'm in.
Then I'm in too.
# Sum of all his parts # # There is love # # Floyd and Katelyn # # There is love.
# Paul? What are you doing? I thought you were going to get your hair done for your friend's wedding.
I was, but I forgot my bag of hair.
Is this who you're into now? Cher? You're being another woman behind my back? It's not what it looks like.
Oh, spare me your lame excuses.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when a girl dates a straight man who impersonates her on stage for mostly gay audiences, she has certain expectations.
Fidelity, Paul.
It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.
But I love you both equally.
I don't know what to tell you.
But you have to choose.
It's her or me.
Jenna, babe, wait.
I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
So maybe you should skip the reception.
I mean, everybody's already seen me do the Electric Slide.
That was a low point.
Feel free to hate me.
No, no, no, you get a free pass, Liz Lemon.
And not just because without you, I never would have met Katelyn.
Oh, boy, not fate again.
I'm just gonna go.
Wait, no, do you not want to hear the story? Fine, but this counts as my gift to you.
So after we broke up, I was living alone in Cleveland, depressed, and thanks to you, addicted to Cheesy Blasters.
It's the nicotine in them.
So one night I'm out, stocking up on my Blasters, and Katelyn stops me to give me a lecture about how bad they are for you.
Three months later, she moved in.
Yeah, well, I guess fate is looking out for both of us, because a tooth rotted in my mouth and brought me to that guy.
Oh, God, I hope he's got a bike out there.
Are you ready, my fiancee? Yes, just stay over there.
Donaghy? God, Kenneth.
I need to talk to you about an urgent, page-related matter.
He came out of nowhere.
We can talk on Monday.
Donovan and I have an hour between weddings to, uh Tickle each other like Teletubbies.
That's how I used to explain it to my kids when they walked in on us.
But I don't want my promotion, sir.
I want to stay here in New York with all my friends.
By "all your friends," are you mostly talking about me, Liz Lemon and the janitor? The janitor thinks we're friends? I'm not going to let you say no, Kenneth.
This is a promotion for you.
And yes, it's difficult.
But today is about pulling triggers.
It's about making bold choices.
It's about Two Spidermans fighting, and sometimes they make weird noises.
But they're not hurting each other.
How often did they walk in on you? A lot.
If you'll excuse me.
Oh, bother! Treble bother! What is it? My fancy dress slippers.
I left them in my office.
So go get them and meet me at Cerie's wedding.
No, when I was fired, I vowed on the Snipes name I would never set foot in there again.
Also, Kevin in Security has a picture of me.
So what, you want me to go get your tuxedo shoes? See, our minds are already one, as our bodies soon shall be.
There's the address.
Of course, you work in insurance.
Specializing in the transportation industry.
It fulfills my boyhood passion for train accidents.
Fine, I'll go get your shoes.
Farewell, my luscious plum.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Why is your face like that? Why the long face, Barbie's boyfriend? They want me to get a promotion, but I don't wanna move to Los Angeles.
California? No way, Ken.
If you leave, who will compliment my tuxedo? I'm sorry, sir.
You look great.
It's exactly what I picture you wearing in heaven.
In two years.
Thank you.
Now look, you've got to tank this promotion.
Do a sloppy job, and they'll leave you alone.
That's how I got out of doing foreplay with Angie.
And my taxes.
But that's not in my nature.
If you've learned anything from me, it's how to do a bad job.
Go, honor me.
Save yourself.
But first, get me a sandwich.
Get it yourself, Chubbs.
I'm on a coffee break.
That's my boy.
Oh, I'm going to hit the ladies' room real quick.
You can never tell when one of these non-denominational, goof-around weddings is going to start.
Jack Donaghy.
Paul L'Astname.
I'm Jenna's boyfriend.
Oh, I've heard a lot about you, Paul.
Well, it's all true.
I'm a native of Houston and I love to cook healthy.
And the female impersonator stuff.
Oh, sure, of course.
That's actually been causing some problems at home lately.
Do you think it's possible to love two women at once? I know it's possible.
But at some point, you have to choose, Paul.
You can't delude yourself with thoughts like, "Maybe they'd be into a group marriage," or "What if I could somehow combine them into one perfect woman, like a s'more you could take a shower with?" But how do you know if you've made the right decision? You don't.
You'll always be wondering what your life would have been like if you'd opened that other door.
Like at a haunted house sex party.
Life is about taking control, not being afraid, and never looking back.
Like if a Frankenstein's behind you at the sex party.
Thank you, Jack.
Come on, Jessup, get it together.
No tears! Everything all right in there? Look, if you're the bride, you gotta go through with it.
The shrimp alone must have cost a thou.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Here, you need this more than I do.
I never put my mouth on it.
You look so familiar to me.
Oh, I'm a financial reporter for C.
"The Hot Box with Avery Jessup"? No, you ever do a commercial for Overshop.
Com? Oh, god, I did.
Oh, that was before I got rid of my Maryland accent.
Does the "O" have it? Oh, we do.
Do you "O"? Oh, no.
Let go.
Ugh, that accent's idiotic.
Anyway, nice to meet you, Avery Jessup.
I'm Nancy.
Hi, I'm not normally this, uh overwhelmed.
I came here to talk to my boyfriend.
Or whatever he is.
I mean, this whole situation is Clamp down, Jessup! Be a winner! Oh, my God.
I can't drink this.
You want to talk about it? Yes, but first, can you hold my hair while I I'm helping the Overshop.
com lady puke.
This is a classy wedding.
Oh, tuxedo slippers.
You freak.
Excuse me, I'm supposed to meet you here? Huh? Are you Wesley? I'm Carol.
I'm sorry, what's happening now? I'm supposed to meet a Wesley about my insurance claim? Wesley doesn't work here anymore.
Are you serious? I mean, I made the appointment, like, a month ago.
I rearranged my whole Saturday.
Are you a doorman? Yeah, I'm a doorman.
To the sky.
I'm a pilot.
Oh, okay.
Well, look, it's a pretty standard workman's comp claim.
I'm sure you could handle it.
I was flying the 7:00 A.
From Tampa to Louisville, and we had a two-hour weather delay.
So naturally, all the passengers got drunk.
Generally speaking, if there's a delay of more than 20 minutes, I might as well be driving a party bus.
It's just idiocy.
I don't know what's going on in this country.
I know, people wear flip-flops to church.
And the N.
Tattoo situation is out of control.
Thank you.
Anyway, we're about a half hour into the flight.
I hear this commotion behind me in the cabin.
So I exit the cockpit, I go down the aisle, and to my left, I see A terrorist? No, I wish.
No, it's a drunk lady.
She's pulled her pants off.
And she's ranting.
She's complaining about the in-flight entertainment.
So things got a little heated, and, uh I had to implement Sky Law.
What's Sky Law.
It's when I put on the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign and no one's allowed to move until we've had 10 minutes of silence.
Well, I made the whole thing up, but, you know, people are stupid, so they don't question it.
That is awesome.
So what is the workman's comp part of this? Eventually, I flipped the drunk lady off.
She bit my finger.
I know, it's totally unprofessional.
But she was bagging pretty hard on my T.
What? T.
, it's this late-night show on N.
We run it in-flight when we're northwest bound.
Basically the greatest thing ever on television.
I don't stand for anybody besmirching it on my aircraft.
Do you believe in fate? Wait a minute, are you kidding me? You write for T.
With Tracy Jordan? I'm the head writer.
I'm not an insurance claims adjuster.
I'm just here because my cousin Well, I mean, it's my favorite show ever.
I'm sure you get hear all the time.
Literally, not once ever.
There's this one Fart Doctor sketch where Fart Doctor is trying to figure out who farted in the spelling bee, and he's like "He who spelt it, dealt it.
" I wrote that.
I write all the Fart Doctors.
I can't believe this.
Would you like to go to a rich girl's wedding with me? I don't know.
Does that sound like more fun than me eating alone at the LaGuardia Chili's? I won't leave you, sir.
No matter what it takes.
Good afternoon and welcome.
We begin our stupid tour of this once-great network outside Studio 6-H.
Ring, ring.
What's up? Nothing.
Just giving a dumb tour to a bunch of uggos.
Let's meet up later and smoke some drug cigarettes.
So you're a pilot, huh? Did you serve? Air Force.
I flew the C-76 out of Ramstein.
It's designed to fly in close proximity to the fighter jets and photograph them for recruiting brochures.
I should pick your brain.
I'm developing a daytime talk show with Sully Sullenberger.
Yeah, I've met that guy.
He's not that great.
You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds.
That's what I do every day.
Not hit birds.
Where's my ticket to the Grammys? Hey, what took you so long in the bathroom? Ah, the usual ladies' room nonsense.
A girl with boyfriend trouble, someone forgot tampons, everybody was bad at science and math.
You know the drill.
The ceremony will be starting soon.
Ah, I'll get our table number.
You get us as many drinks as you can carry.
I'll see you at the reception, Liz.
Get ready for some of this.
He's here with you? Indeed, he is.
I see that Nancy's still here.
You're welcome.
A smug, 40-year-old bridesmaid.
What a treat for everyone.
Yes, Lemon, I am with Nancy now.
What made up your mind? Well, I decided that any decision was better than no decision at all.
Huh, I don't know, Jack.
I used to feel that way too.
But now, I know you can't force your fate.
You just have to let it wash over you.
Like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily.
That's absurd, Lemon.
The world is made by those who control their own destiny.
It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do.
Which is what made me the man I am.
I do do.
Grow up, Lemon.
The point is, I've made my choice, and I'm not looking back, period.
Avery Jessup? Son of a What did you do on your tour today? Those were the KableTown executives.
Our new bosses.
Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job, so I wouldn't have to go to Los Angeles.
Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and that's sort of my thing.
Kenneth, you're not going to Los Angeles.
Because they're making me fire you.
You're fired.
Ready? Here, this is yours.
Oh, Nancy, I'm sorry.
This is an embarrassing oversight.
Jack, this morning in church, you told me all the reasons that you love me, some more graphic than were appropriate for the setting.
Now I want you to tell me what's so special about this other woman.
Well, I like how she's less hot than you? I'm serious.
What can I say? She's smart, she's pretty.
She can tell you the Dow 40 in order of market cap.
She knows how to field dress a deer.
Why do you Go on.
Okay, her laugh.
It's like music.
Really mean music.
And she always wears high heels, because, according to her, flat shoes are for quitters.
For God's sakes, what can I say? You'd like her, Nancy.
She's tough, she's loyal, she was once on the cover of Cigar Aficionado magazine wearing just a tie and some smoke.
She's great.
So you weren't lying when you said you were in love with two women.
No, I wasn't lying.
Good, then I feel a lot better about leaving.
What? Avery's here, Jack.
And she's pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know what you're going to do, Jack.
And it's a lot better than that dumb, Irish Catholic, "I knocked up a Portugese girl, and now we gotta get married, and our kid's gonna grow up to be a dirty state cop," kind of thing.
This is crazy.
Nah, it's fate.
You're supposed to be a dad.
By the way, when I blew your mind last night I was giving it about 50 percent.
Unhand my fiancee! No, no, he's just a groomsman.
And a Somali pirate.
You try to end our engagement with a textual transmission? And then leave me in the lurch without tuxedo slippers? Your behavior as a fiancee has been as weak as American tea.
There, I've said it.
Our first argument, everyone.
You're engaged? What if the bachelorette party theme was "sluts"? No, the engagement is off.
You keep talking about how fate is trying to push us together.
You know what? It is.
But not to meet you.
To meet the right man.
His name is Carol.
Like Carroll O'Connor.
From Nick at Nite.
Exactly, Cerie, thank you.
Carol is the one that I was fated to meet.
And yeah, I've only known him for a few hours, and maybe this sounds crazy.
But I already feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.
He's the one that I've been waiting for.
And someday, when Carol sees my disgusting foot secret, he's going to be okay with it.
I can tell.
You were wrong, Wesley.
We don't have to settle.
The moms were wrong.
Stupid Buzz Aldrin was wrong.
So thank you and goodbye.
Praise to the universe! Love is real! Fine, it's your loss.
There's only one Wesley Snipes in this world.
You know there isn't.
I was going to ask you if you wanted me to hold your bag.
How much of that did you hear? Well, you were engaged.
You apparently hate Buzz Aldrin.
Foot problem.
And you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together.
I see.
I'm sure you could get a cab on Houston.
Yeah, I'm going to depart.
On time.
I'm a pilot.
# In your eyes # # In your eyes # # There is a light in your eyes # # In your eyes # Could you turn that down, please? Mazel tov.
I'm trying to tell you I want to get married.
Oh, for God's sakes, Jack.
What do you think? You're just going to sweep me off my feet? This pregnancy is two years ahead of schedule.
I'm suing Dodecacil.
I'm suing you.
I'm suing this baby.
You can't control everything, Avery.
Sometimes, it's just fate.
Ugh, is there gay juice in the champagne? See, I want you to teach our child how to say awesome stuff like that.
I would be a kick-ass mom.
But if this is just you trying to do the right thing No, I want this.
Sure, I thought it would happen later in life and that you would be Anne Hathaway's granddaughter, but I've always wanted this.
But maybe it's too hard.
The career, motherhood Keeping it tight to stay camera-ready for breaking news.
I mean, sure, Soledad O'Brien does it, but I wipe the floor with that bitch.
Let's do this.
Love is patient, Love is weird, and sometimes gross.
Love is elusive.
And you have found it.
So treasure it.
To Grizz and Feyonce.
On behalf of Grizz and Feyonce, I'd like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn't support the weight of Grizz's extended family.
Now let's make like an Arnold Palmer and party.
Naturally, I blew it.
Now, I'm alone in a dashiki.
I wonder what that Somali pirate's deal is? I could live on a boat.
I don't even know where Paul went.
I guess he made his choice.
You know what? Forget men.
We've got each other.
Yeah, let's go lez.
No, I meant, like, a book club or something, jeez.
Right, sisterhood.
That's something we can count on.
I'll never is that Paul? You have a lot of taped-up balls to come here dressed like that.
Oh, my God.
If this is going to work, Jenna, it can't just be all about you.
But No buts.
I'm the man here, and you're going to respect me.
Yes, shma'am.
Lemon, you know that's a young boy's puberty dashiki.
Wrong, Jack, it's a warlord's concubine dashiki.
Avery, you're here.
I'm not surprised.
Why should I be? And I'm pregnant.
Also not shocking me.
Reacting appropriately.
Lemon, I think your pilot friend is looking for you.
So? I thought he was gone forever.
I guess I should go talk to him.
Carol, what are you doing here? How did you get past security? If you walk briskly in a pilot's uniform, you can go pretty much anywhere.
I've been upstairs at the White House while the Obamas were sleeping.
I thought you had a flight.
Yeah, I do.
But those dirtbags can wait on the runway a couple more hours.
I hate people too.
Look, I'm 39 years old.
I'm single.
And, lately, I've been thinking there's a reason for that.
I keep expecting people to be perfect.
But nobody's perfect.
Yes, exactly.
So if the worst thing about you is that you give crazy speeches to fiances and maybe have some kind of foot thing That was a joke, I have medicine for it.
Why don't we give this a shot? As long as you're not Jewish.
I'm totally kidding.
Yes, let's do this.
And honestly, Carol, I am a very normal person.
Not a good time, guys.
Liz Cher, me, Paul, and I want to thank you for being a part of our lives.
And for encouraging us to be like this.
I can't believe I'm meeting one and a half Jenna Maroneys right now.
Hi, there Carol.
Carol, that's a girl's name.
It's a family name.
Hey, everybody.
I got fired today.
You won't have Kenneth Ellen Parcell to kick around anymore.
So I want to tell you people what I really think of you.
This ain't the No, no! For four long years, I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast Media Elite problems.
Your apartment renovations and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia.
That doorman is hammered.
I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas.
And I have loved it.
You people You are my best friends.
And I hope you get everything you want in life.
Kenneth? So kiss my face! That was actually really sweet.
I'll see you all in heaven! Have a wonderful summer.
# Joyful, joyful, you better be joyful # # Joy every day, oh, every day # # Open, open that door to heaven # # Heaven # # Oh, happy day # # Oh, Lord, bring me out of darkness # # The shadows have faded away # # We all will go up to heaven # # Oh, happy day # # Happy day # # Oh, happy and joyful heaven at 30 Rock #