30 Rock s05e04 Episode Script

Live Show

Cast, you should change for the cold open.
Hey, you wanted to see me? Does it seem weird in here to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.
I don't know.
Does it? My God, I can see every line and pore on your face.
Yeah, well, my face cream was recalled.
Apparently, it was destroying the lab rats', uh What is that word? Brains.
I just wanted you to know that, while Avery is pregnant, I am giving up drinking.
If she can't drink, I won't drink.
I don't know if that's a good idea for you.
Remember what happened that time I tried to give up refined sugars? Hey, looking good, Liz! Thank you.
Thank you.
You know what? Our bodies don't want all of that processed junk.
I don't know if you've had a chance to read Michael Pollan Who wants doughnuts? I will kill you! How come you're better-looking in your memory? 'Cause my memory has "Seinfeld" money.
Well, don't worry.
For me, the drinking has always been about the ritual.
So I just need to replace the ritual, and therefore, Avery has gotten me this very nice tea set, some knitting needles and some yarn, and a book on sleight-of-hand magic.
That's as far as I've gotten.
Okay, well, if that's it I'm gonna go downstairs.
Have a good show.
I'm dreading watching it sober.
Hey, Jack knows it's my birthday, right? Oh.
I have my master list of staff birthdays right here.
Oh, no, I seem to have forgotten to put you on it! Is this because of that joke I made the other day? Jonathan, can I have a pen? Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin before Jasmine is forced to marry Jafar.
Lemon out.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Jack will remember my birthday because we're friends.
Also, it's a pretty big birthday.
Oh, are you turning a thousand? Really? You want to play this game with a comedy writer? Oh, God! Live show It's the "30 Rock" live show It's "30 Rock" live It's live, and there's one more perk There's a chance that it might not work Why, though, do a "30 Rock" live show? Why "30 Rock" live? In five, four, three, two, one Because this is my gift to you, our audience Oh, hi, Jadwiga.
Hellos! Haven't seen you in a long time.
Bullet in brain move.
Much hospital.
I'm glad you're back.
Oh, I want to tell you, there's probably gonna be a party tonight because it's my birthday.
Oh, "Happy Days" is my favorite show! Yeah, "Happy Days" is a great show.
But what I mean is there might be a little bit of a mess, so Yeah.
Are we understanding each other? Yeah, yeah.
I clean you now? No, no, you don't have to clean me.
I'm just saying you might have to clean up after a surprise party later 'cause it's my birthday, and it's a big one! What are we doing, Jadwiga? I like Fonzie! Hey! His office is bathroom, just like Jadwiga! Okay.
Good talk, Jadwiga.
Oh, Miss Maroney, I have your messages.
A Mr.
Brett Fav-ray stopped by and dropped off this picture of a hot dog.
Finally! The Chilean miners are all out, and they're really angry about what you've been saying about them.
So, I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine.
Also, your pharmacy called.
Apparently, you can't get a prescription for Ecstasy.
Thanks, Obamacare.
If you need someone to scream at, I'm right here! Hey, Kenneth.
Hello, Miss Lemon.
What's up, Giggly? Oh, I don't know.
Hornberger needs to see you in Mr.
Jordan's dressing room right away.
Oh, really? I wonder why.
I don't know.
You better find out! Surprise, Liz! Tracy's come up with a new way to ruin the show.
What? No, no.
I told you, your lizard cannot be the musical guest.
Of course not.
His album doesn't drop until December! No, no, Liz.
Last night, for the first time ever, Tracy watched the non-porn version of "The Carol Burnett Show.
" Sure.
It was even funnier than the porn version! The best part is when the actors started cracking up.
They laughed so hard, they didn't even finish the skit! And your point is? I would like to do that, please.
Do what? Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
Hey, stupid lines I wrote.
And no, we're not doing that.
You never take my creative suggestions! The only other one I can remember is the time you wanted me to hire those two strippers to dance behind you! And you should have! Those dudes were awesome! And so is my crack-up idea.
Okay, Tracy, what you're talking about is called breaking.
And, sure, audiences love it when something goes wrong, okay, but we don't do that here.
It's cheap.
So no breaking, promise? Promise.
I swear on my mother's grape.
Wait, did you say "grave" or "grape"? Yes.
Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh harder than I did at Dotcom's play! It was "Angels in America," Tray.
Miss Lemon, Mr.
Donaghy called.
Why are you giggling like that? It's very misleading.
I'm sorry.
It's just that Mr.
Lutz is wearing a hilarious t-shirt, and every time I see him Just look! Whoever's standing next to him is stupid! That guy is stupid! Now she is! Now they are! Now I were! It's good.
Anyway, Mr.
Donaghy called while you were with Mr.
He needs to see you right away.
Liz, I almost forgot.
"Happy Birthday" the song legal says we can't use it in the birthday sketch.
But we can use "It's Your B-Day, Bitch" by Snooki's mom.
Did you just knit that? I need a drink, Lemon.
Oh, already? Okay, we can get through this.
It turns out it's not the ritual.
According to a bunch of online questionnaires, I have a drinking problem.
Oh, God.
I have a splitting headache! Okay.
Replace the ritual.
Replace the ritual.
Could you come over here, please? Yeah, here we go.
All right, shh.
Did you finish the magic book? I cannot divulge my secrets! I don't want to let Avery down, but this is so hard.
Distract me, Lemon.
Entertain me.
Okay Open on the Covent Garden Flower Market! The year 1892! Flowers, flowers for sale! Get out of here! Did he remember your birthday? Oh, come on! What's up, New York? Tracy Jordan in the house! You're the real stars! Not really! Fox News, a division of Fox Nonsense, Incorporated.
Welcome back to Fox News.
I'm blond.
President Obama, in your own words, why are you a terrorist who hates America? That's an excellent question.
Uh-oh! I'm doing something called breaking! Snort! Hee-hee! Giggle-giggle! The audience loves this! Oh, that idiot.
- Fine.
Just go to commercial.
- Go to commercial! Erectile dysfunction.
It's not just a dog problem anymore.
It also affects millions of men.
Hello, I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman.
For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem.
And it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily! But couldn't the real cause of E.
Be that we haven't produced a good doing-it song since "Close the Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.
Baby, let's take it slow You know we've got all night Light some candles, draw a bath And start off with full-on intercourse Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr.
Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm," an ultra-strength audio rebonulator.
Baby, let's let the dog watch us Do you think he understands the love that we have? Oops, I'm finished Call yourself a cab Hey, idiot! Liz, I know we're not usually the most grateful bunch, but everybody here, and I mean everybody, is signing this birthday card for Jadwiga the cleaning lady.
Really? Jadwiga's birthday.
I look out for her.
We're friends with benefits.
Tracy! You should be ashamed of yourself.
I can't be.
I'm missing that part of my brain.
Why are you doing this? Why does anybody do anything? Because they're rich and they have attention deficit disor Look at Lutz's t-shirt.
You are ruining the show.
No more laughing.
No more laughing.
Kraut's honor.
Wait, did you say "scout" or "kraut"? Good-bye.
Carol, I knew you wouldn't forget about me today.
No nonessential chatter, Liz.
I'm having the worst flight of my career.
We got wind shears, lightning, severe turbulence.
The in-flight meal was a frittata.
Oh, my God, at night? Lizzie, if something were to happen, I just want you to know that I I need you to go to Raleigh to my apartment and just clear out all the porn before my mom gets there.
That's it? Yeah.
I also need you to TiVo "Bones" for me in case I survive.
You know what, Carol? Today is a very special day, and you should have know that! And you should also know that you can't use cell phones on planes.
No, that's just something we tell passengers Oh, hello! Hold on! All right, yeah.
I think I just screwed up something with my girlfriend.
You know, I've always loved you.
- Not now, Kevin.
- Copy that.
Liz, how could you let Tracy do this to me? No, don't worry.
It's under control or not.
I am a professional, Liz.
I have never broken during a performance, ever.
I was on stage in "Pippin" with Irene Ryan when she died, and I kept going.
I know.
And that is why you're so amazing.
Oh, I have never broken, Liz.
But if he tries to pull that stunt again, I will have a wardrobe malfunction.
Oh, I will slip a nip, Liz.
So help me, I will slip a nip.
Are you sniffing paint? Of course I am, Lemon.
Men need alcohol.
It gives us the ability to hit on women and later, when we're married, to tune them out.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
This is the worst day of my life.
Of your life? Of your life? Oh, God.
How are we going to make this about you? It's my birthday, Jack! It is my 40th birthday, and no one remembered! Damn these she beasts! What? You and Avery, you lay these traps for me to fail! I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, Lemon.
It's not my best day.
I'm not myself right now.
But please accept this thousand dollars as my gift to you.
I will take this on principle, but it doesn't fix anything.
What can I tell you? This is what happens to people like you and I who put work ahead of everything else.
You know where I spent my 40th birthday? In my office all night.
You were very fit back then.
Yes, but my penis was smaller.
Jack, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.
I know who I am.
I know I'm not the funnest person in the group.
I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party, dance all night.
Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant? I thought at least these dummies would do something for me besides light a bunch of fires I have to put out.
I thought that when I turned 40 a 40 right now.
Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.
Oh, no! My Oprah wig is falling off! This is an exciting mishap! This is live! What the blerg? - Jenna.
- Yeah.
Have you been drinking? No, Jack.
I mean, I had a bottle of wine with dinner.
Can I smell your mouth? I thought you'd never ask.
Thank you.
I really, really needed that.
I've been giving up drinking while Avery's pregnant, and it's really hard.
Oh, of course.
But being with someone, Jack, means making sacrifices.
I've learned that by being with Paul.
It's made me so much more mature.
Oh, no, Tracy.
It is nipple time! Now my moustache is askew! Oops, that thing fell off! And that thing, too! Uh-oh! Now my shirt is accidentally falling off! America! I warned you, Liz! And now I am slipping a nip! The big one! - Go to commercial! - To commercial, go! Hi, I'm Dr.
Drew Baird.
Every year, dozens of people lose a hand to a helicopter or fireworks mishap or, in my case, both.
But now there's hope.
Thanks to an idea that started as a pitch for a horror movie and grew into a charitable organization, hands from executed criminals are now making life better for people all over the world people like me.
But we can't do it without your support.
So give, and give someone a hand.
Sorry, I'm trying to do a thumbs-up here.
It doesn't always listen.
Oh, God, no, that's a Black Power thing.
I really shouldn't Come here.
No! No! Why are you doing that? No! Bad hand! Now it's got my testicles! Listen up.
We forgot Liz Lemon's birthday, her 40th birthday.
How? You gave me your list! Never mind how it happened.
That's water under the bridge.
Wait, I'm sorry, we don't have that expression in Canada.
Does that mean that what happened can be used to power a lumber mill? It means we're going to do something nice for our friend Liz Lemon.
Because she takes care of us, we are going to take care of her.
Even if we are currently sober for the first time in 10 years.
Not me.
I just got my 10-year drunk chip.
Thank you! Pete, what can you pull together? Is there time to do something for Liz on air? Not really.
I mean, I could cut the product placement for Capital One.
Oh, no.
You can't do that! The Capital One Venture Card is amazing! They give double miles every day with every purchase! Or the cast could say something during good nights.
No, it has to be big enough that Liz thinks we planned it all along.
I've got an idea! What if we Spit it out! Cast, set yourselves good night.
Please, please set yourselves for good nights.
Did you crash? No.
No, but it was pretty scary.
I mean, well, not like the stuff I saw in the Air Force, of course, like this one time a bunch of us pilots got together.
We went to a haunted house in Germany.
That was messed up! Today is my birthday, Carol.
It's your birthday.
Damn it, I Sorry.
Happy birthday, Lizzie.
Don't worry about it.
I've known these dummies a lot longer, and none of them Oh, my God.
You did remember! Wait, wait.
What's happening there? Is that a surprise party? Surprise! I was totally in on it! It was really expensive! Happy birthday, Lemon.
You you knew all along.
Come on, you didn't think we'd forget your birthday, did you? Is that a polka band? Happy birthday! Wait a minute.
Why is Henry Winkler on my cake? I like Fonzie.
Hey! This is supposed to be for Jadwiga.
No, everybody loves the Fonz! You stole an old cleaning lady's birthday just to try to make me happy? In my defense, yes.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me! Five seconds back.
Four, three On behalf of everyone here at "TGS," we just want to Good night! Help! Her thumbs are in my eyes! Well, I know your birthday isn't what you'd hoped, Lemon, but at least it was memorable.
No, you know what? It was perfect.
It was the best of both worlds.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
It was the best of both worlds.
I got to feel martyred and indignant all day, and then I still got to eat cake off the floor.
But I still have one birthday wish.
I want you to have a drink with me.
Well, I know Avery doesn't want me to, but it's dangerous to say no to an old spinster.
You might turn me into a crow.
To Liz Lemon.
You're halfway to death.
That's more like it.
Thank you to Matt Damon, Rachel Dratch, Bill Hader, Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Garrett Neff, Chris Parnell, everyone at NBC! "30 Rock" crew, I love you! "SNL" crew, I love you! Good night! [Dinsdale]