30 Rock s05e06 Episode Script

Gentleman's Intermission

I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I had this made for the baby at Herm├Ęs.
So she can ride the maid.
It is adorable.
But are we still in love with the name Charlotte? I think so.
Why do you ask? "Charlotte"? Are you serious? Well, Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte who used to rub herself against a tree during recess I want to know why you would ever tell Lemon something so personal! I know that my relationship with Lemon may seem strange, but I'm her mentor.
And the Donaghy Mentoring Experience is immersive.
There need to be boundaries.
That woman is your employee.
No, she's more than that.
I don't choose my mentees lightly.
They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time.
The intelligence to understand the challenges they're going face.
The humility to accept my help.
And finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos.
Drive, Intelligence, Humility, Chaos.
Or the acronym "DIHC".
I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it.
It's been four years, Jack.
Maybe it's time for Liz to graduate.
Maybe it's time for you to carry this baby! And maybe you and Liz can raise it Oh, no, crazy hormone swing! Why does everything smell like onions? Lemon.
Got it.
In here you can see one of NBC's editing bays.
Tracy Jordan, the star of "TG S" and numerous films, has died No! No, it can't be! I'm not done with him, Jacob! He stays on this side! Kenneth, Tracy's not dead.
NBC News makes obituaries for celebrities to have them ready.
They're just updating Tracy's to include his recent submarine DUI.
Oh, thank goodness.
Say, do you think I could get a copy of that to show Mr.
Jordan? That way he can see his own funeral just like Tom Sawyer! Tom's a fellow from my town we accidentally buried alive.
Funny story, after we dug him back up, he tried to kill all of us! Hello? Hey, Liz, it's your father, Dick Lemon.
Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.
Telephone etiquette is important, Liz.
It lets people know your race even when they can't see you.
Anyway, you got a busy week? Not really.
I was gonna take a class called "Cooking for One", but the teacher killed himself.
Well, what about a visit? Really? That would be great! With you and Mom here, the doormen will have to eat their words about me never having friends over! Well, it'll just be me this time, Elizabeth.
Your mother isn't coming.
What? You and Mom always travel together.
Well, she's not coming this time.
I just want to have a little fun by myself.
Can't a guy have a little fun? What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Your mother's home.
This conversation never happened.
What the what? I am a Jedi! Tracy Jordan, star of the "Fat Bitch" movies, was also voted Worst Representation of a Black Man 9 years in a row.
Perhaps best known for his F C C fines.
Thank God I didn't anybody.
And thank God I didn't some And giving the Queen parvo This is terrible! When I'm dead, that's what I'll leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in their jetpacks? Well, it's not fair out of context.
Her Highness was sending signals It doesn't matter.
That's how the world sees me.
As some idiot millionaire! Who, Mark Cuban? That guy ran me over with a jet ski! What is he so upset about? It's my fault.
I let Mr.
Jordan see his obituary He's dying? Fine, I'll sing at his funeral.
No, Ma'am, NBC News makes celebrity obituaries ahead of time.
Typical liberal media.
They do? Well, then, I need to see mine.
If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest, that would be great because my arms looked fantastic! Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? My Dad just called and Lemon, I'm sorry.
If this is about a personal matter, we can't discuss it.
What? Why? It's Avery.
She's going to be my wife someday, and, understandably, the nature of our relationship is a little confusing to her.
Ooh, she feels threatened.
It must be my sessuality.
Bacause I am so very sessual.
You like that? And maybe Avery is a little emotional these days.
She's put on considerable boob weight.
She's not used to that and sometimes she just falls over.
It's stressful.
But she might have a point about us.
Maybe it isn't appropriate for you to still come to me with every little problem in your life.
I'll solve my own problems.
Blammo! Solved it! What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney.
I played Arts and Literature in the film adaptation of "Trivial Pursuit".
I know who you are, Ms.
But you're not on the list.
They only make obits for people they think are, you know, important Like who? "Kim Jong-lll"? I never heard of her.
I should be on here! You wanted to see me, sir? Jonathan, I may be in the market for a new young person to mentor Oh, my God! Sir, I have dreamed of this moment.
But my fear is that you don't have enough ambition.
The drive to deserve my mentorship.
No, sir.
There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you.
My attorney is waiting in his office.
He will present you with a contract to become my mentee if you bring him my pinky.
No, sir! Then you wouldn't be perfect anymore! I won't do it! Exactly.
I knew that you wouldn't No, watch! I'll cut off my pinky! - And tell him it's yours! - Jonathan.
Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive.
Haven't you ever read my throw pillow? Dad! Hi, sweetheart.
Where are your glasses? And what's with that shirt? I don't need my glasses.
And this is an Edward Hardy shirt.
A very hip Latino-sounding blur at Mervyn's said I looked good in it.
Dad, what are you doing? You're traveling alone, you show up here looking like you've been on spring break for 300 years, and earlier, Mom called and told me to give you a hug before your colonoscopy.
Uh-oh! Dad, look at me.
What is going on? Honey, there's no easy way to say it.
Your mother and I are taking a little break.
A break? After 45 years? Honey, it's complicated.
We're having problems.
Really? Does Mom know you're having problems? 'Cause she thinks you're at the doctor.
Your mother and I don't laugh like we used to.
I don't know what happened.
Where has my best friend gone? Ugh! What are you talking about? You're just pretending like there's some big problem so you can come up here and what? Try to pick up women? You think they won't notice you're 80 because you took your glasses off? I will not be spoken to this way, young lady.
You know what? You're not staying here during your little "time-out".
Your Gentleman's Intermission.
Go to a hotel.
Or better yet, go home to Mom! Fine, I don't need you.
I'm meeting up with my old army buddy, Gary.
Tonight we're doing a push-up, and tomorrow we're going to a bar called Swingles! Gary's wife just died a couple of days ago, and he hasn't returned the hospital bed yet so I can sleep there! Now, where's the door? I'm not telling! Cold.
That's why you need your glasses.
It's zip.
Hello? Hey, girl! What do you want, Liz? Look, I know I shouldn't be calling, but my Dad's in town "taking a break" from being married.
It's a Gentleman's Intermission.
And you want to talk about this with your boss? Well, when you put it like that, with the mean voice and all Good night, Liz.
What's wrong, Tray? Why are you sitting in your sadness spotlight? I've seen my NBC News obituary, Jackie D.
I looked like a fool in it.
Well, certainly, you can't be surprised that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there.
Don't you ever Google yourself? Sure.
I Google myself all the time.
Like if Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in a hotel.
Tracy, you do know that "Googling yourself" means looking yourself up on the Internet? I did not know that.
That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.
Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office? Sure, Tracy.
- Can I use your computer? - How else are you going to do it? Tracy, you're someone with a lot of problems who needs constant guidance.
And don't forget, I never listen.
If you're open to it, I'm very good at giving advice.
For example, your obit problem.
You've spent years creating a certain public image.
But you can change that.
You just have to do what Prince Hal did.
Who's Prince Hal? From "Henry IV".
You played him in Central Park last summer.
I don't know any of my lines! Everyone thought Prince Hal was a drunken wastrel.
But when he became King, he transformed himself into a wise and just ruler.
He changed the headline.
That's what you have to do, Tracy.
You know something, Jackie D, that thing I said earlier about Prince Hal got me thinking.
I have to change my headline! Yes.
That's what I just said.
Now, if I can help you No, no, no, Jackie D.
I don't need your help.
I'm Tracy Jordan.
When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world! He failed the test of humility.
I cannot be his mentor.
Well, I'd love for you to be my mentor, sir, but unfortunately I already have one.
Stop calling me! Okay, what would Jack tell me to do? First, he'd probably explain that evolution makes men promiscuous, even when they're 80 like my pathetic dad.
Is your dad "pathetic" or is he maybe on some level admirable? Maybe his sons would respect him more as a man.
Maybe they'd stop calling him a "bald wang" in front of the babysitter.
Can you imagine Dick Lemon at a singles bar? It makes me want to barf.
Ugh, those old men hitting on you at clubs are so lame.
"Lame" or is it "heroic"? Why can't they see how idiotic they look? With guys like that I always just say, "Who's younger? Me or your daughter?" That usually creeps them out enough that they leave.
That wouldn't work on me.
Jack, why does Tracy have a News obit and I don't? Huh.
I never thought of you for the Donaghy Mentoring Experience.
But you are an unceasing onslaught of dysfunction.
Drew called me "unfixable".
Let's think this through.
You don't have an obit because you haven't done as much as Tracy has.
His movies gross millions, his comedy albums go platinum, and he owns the world's only giraffe basketball team, the New York Necks.
So your problem My problem? NBC News has the problem! I don't think that's right And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make my own obituary and show them how wrong they are! Then, I'm afraid you're on your own, Jenna.
You have failed the test of intelligence.
Oh, really? Well, so are you! Hello, Lemon.
Hey, Jack.
How's business things? I made several overseas phone calls today.
I'm doing great.
Like the song, I'm "taking on my business.
" No, it's Right.
Forget it.
Shoulders back, Lemon.
You're not welcoming people to Castle Frankenstein.
I can't read any of this, Gary, can you? Give us this third thing.
Uh, hello, Miss.
My name is Ricky.
I'm Dorothy Michaels.
And you don't look stupid in that shirt at all.
What do you gentlemen do? We work for the FBI.
Female Body Inspectors.
Tell me, was your father a donkey herder because that ass No, my father worked for Philadelphia Power and Light! It's me, your daughter! Elizabeth Lemon! Elizabeth? What are you doing? Ugh! This woman's trying to hit on her own father? No, no, good people of Swingles! Hear me out! My married 80-year-old father is taking a "Gentleman's Intermission" That's a great name for what I'm doing! Just what are you trying to accomplish with this stunt, young lady? I am trying to show you how disgusting you are! No, you're the disgusting one! Yeah! That was a terrible plan! Come on, Gary.
Let's go hit that bar with the cool rainbow flags! A two-time CableACE Award nominee and three-time Tony Shalhoub sex partner, Jenna Maroney is perhaps best remembered for being beautiful.
Jenna Maroney, dead at 32.
Jenna, you ripped through our lives Like the passing of the wind Read back what we have so far.
"Ideas to change Mr.
Jordan's headline.
" Then you said, "Read back what we have so far.
" Why is this so hard? All I want to do is turn into a worldwide hero overnight.
Coming up in our next half-hour, we're going to meet a heroic cat who saved its owner's life by dialing 9-1-1.
What an amazing story! That cat's a hero.
If I save it, I'm a double hero! Ken, I need your help.
I actually have an important church Denied.
Hey, what's going on? I got a message you wanted to see me.
I know you're interviewing John Boehner later.
You should know he has very tiny hands so - let him hold a miniature golf scoring pencil to make them look normal.
Why are you? Oh, my God! Are you trying to mentor me? - All right, calm down - I am squared away, Donaghy.
I get four hours of sleep a night, eat 1,200 calories a day, and my closet has been on the cover of "Organized Living".
Damn it.
I knew you'd fail the test of chaos.
Is it really that difficult to find someone new to mentor? It's impossible.
I would never say this to her face, but Lemon is above average.
She's got just the right amount of DIHC for me.
I hear it, and I don't care! I've cast a wide net, but even the junior executives here There's something wrong with this generation.
Hey, are you Jack? Sorry I'm late.
BT Dubbs, I gotta leave for my ironic kickball league in about ten.
Also I'm not interested in this position unless I'm gonna be constantly praised.
And I won't cut my hair.
It's go time, Ken.
You ready? I've got my hammer.
I've got my mask.
You just stop me before I get to that cat.
I'll be right behind you! And finally, the weekend bo x office crown belonged to the indie darling "Hard to Watch" Critics have been praising the gritty drama and the performance of its star, Tracy Jordan.
Now, not to editorialize, but if Jordan doesn't win the Oscar, that would be the stupidest thing since the following segue.
Speaking of cats An Oscar? If I win an Oscar, everyone will have to respect me! My obituary will read "Oscar winner" instead of "children's soccer heckler".
It would change my headline! I feel like I'm forgetting something.
I left Tracy Jr.
In Atlantic City! Die, hero cat! I hate you! I said I'm going to kill that cat! Killing cats is wrong unless it's to make a hat! My skull! Jenna Maroney just saved the hero cat! And that makes me a double hero! Try to deny me an obit now, you jags! And tell people in lieu of flowers, they can pour jewels into my open coffin! I'm very injured.
You wanted to see me? No, Lemon I did.
Albino ninja! Look, I never should never have interfered with - whatever this is.
- Work husband-slash-uncle.
- Co-worker-slash-little brother.
Right, well, she's not ready to move on.
It's true.
I'm wearing a Duane Reade bag as underwear today.
All right.
And, for whatever reason, he needs you, too.
It's a symbiotic relationship.
I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, and you, are a remora, clinging to me with your suction cup head.
I give you a free ride and, in exchange, you eat my parasites.
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
I already briefed him on your problem.
The Gentleman's Intermission, yes.
Lemon, does your father have a cell phone? Yes.
Jack is back! If anyone can talk sense into my dad, it's you.
Oh, no.
I'm not going to "talk sense" into anybody.
Your father is being irrational, and irrational behavior doesn't respond to rationality.
It responds to fear.
Hello? Yeah, is this Dick Lemon? This is he.
Who's calling? I'm Tricia's boyfriend, you scumbag! She told me what happened with yous last night, and now I'm gonna come and find you and gonna kick your ass so hard, you're gonna be throwing up my toenails! No, no, no, no, no! There's been a mistake! I did not do anything with anyone last night, certainly not a Tricia! Oh, now you're telling me my Tricia's not good enough for you? She's an angel! I'll tell you what? I'm getting my brothers, and we're coming over there, and we're gonna kick your - Dick Lemon speaking.
- How dare you hang up on me? I'm a corrupt cop! My brother's a corrupt fireman! He's gonna set you on fire, and I am not gonna investigate it! That won't be necessary.
I'm leaving for Philadelphia today! Dick, listen, Tricia told me you're married.
I know that men are meant to be promiscuous because of evolution, but you made a commitment to a woman you love.
- I do! I do love her! - Yeah, that's right.
You're a lucky man.
A, because you have a family.
And B, that I have not curb-stomped you in front of your grandchildren! Actually, I don't have grandchildren.
Why not? Tricia told me you have a 40-year-old daughter.
- What's wrong with her? - Okay.
I gotta go.
I'm taking Trisha to Laser Zeppelin.
You take care now.
Go Necks! Can I show you a weird thing on my leg? Yeah.
That's got to be removed.
"Claire"? "Claire"? "Joanne"? Okay! Well, I look forward to visiting her and her wife on their farm.
"Jacqueline"? Like, named after you? Like a little Jack, but with boobs? Hi, I'm Daphne Donaghy.
I saw a turtle! "Kylie", great.
She can strip her way through community college.
Come on! I don't know about "Christina".
'Cause then everybody calls her "Tina", and every Tina I've known is a real judgmental bitch.