30 Rock s05e09 Episode Script

Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish

Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking.
No one knocked.
You just barged in.
Knock, knock! You were right, Donald.
It makes more sense for you to enter first.
It's okay, Daddy.
We'll just start over.
You know, why don't we just dive in to whatever this is? Okay.
You remember Donald, my son who's two years older than me.
Ah, yes.
Please.
As I recall, you own the Tracy Jordan Institute for Black Karate.
You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed.
I blame Obama.
But the good news is Donald has a brand-new venture.
Sell him, son! It's a theme restaurant in Times Square! Well, the theme-restaurant business model does work.
NASCAR's Fat Load Café is a gold mine.
Well, we got a bunch of capital from Brown and Folderson, and we wanted to get you a seat on this rocket before it takes off.
So it's decided.
Jack's on board as an investor.
Not so fast.
So it's deci Let's just bottom-line this thing.
I never invest without doing my research.
I'll do a site visit tonight and kick the tires.
All right, but if some other investor comes along, it's your loss.
A Mexican billionaire is calling me right now.
Excuse me.
Señor Mexico, hola.
Sí, sí.
Yo soy Donald, sí.
¿ Ándale, ándale? ¿ Arriba, arriba? What is Señor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out of the loop! Hey, Jenna, I need to go over What is it, Liz? We're busy.
Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm.
And finished.
Well, I have to go to work.
My new manager is making us wear name tags.
I might as well be working at a roller-skating drag-queen restaurant under Taliban rule! But after your shift, we still have our special night, right? You have no idea how special.
We're celebrating our six-month anniversary, and I think Paul's gonna pop the question! Really? That's a little fast, isn't it? And I will say yes when Paul proposes that we make a sex tape and leak it on the Internet.
Oh.
I thought you meant marriage.
God, no! Marriage is like death.
You settle into a routine, you lose all the spark.
I don't know.
I always thought the whole point of being with someone for a long time is to get to the comfortable-routine part.
No, relationships are like sharks, Liz.
If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.
Well, nothing's wrong with me and Carol.
I mean, we haven't spoken in five days, but that doesn't mean anything.
Because we are not sharks.
We are legless turtles rotting on the beach.
Jack, what makes a guy get bored in a dating situation? That's an excellent question.
The answer is questions like that.
Look, this long distance is hard.
And now Carol and I haven't talked in like five days.
And my other stuff is still unresolved.
I get it, Lemon.
You need to see a therapist, someone you can dump your problems on, and then get on with your, uh "life.
" I'm trying.
I just can't find someone I like.
I mean, have you ever been to a shrink? No.
I believe that, when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club.
Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise.
But for lesser beings, like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.
And, Lemon, I want you to get better.
Because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.
Hey, Jack! Welcome to Staples! Why did you choose that name? Because "staples" means "the basics.
" And that's what you're getting here.
Food, drinks, fun.
Staples.
Yeah, we got that.
Staples is also a giant office-supply chain.
Well, we'll see who's still in business 200 years from now.
Donald, I'm going to pick a problem at random.
Is the theme of your restaurant Not Enough Tables? No, we just need a lot of room for the monster fight.
Excuse me? Jack, are you familiar with the mega-restaurant Medieval Times? Well, I took that model and replaced the knights with unlicensed versions of Japanese monsters.
Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a underwater nuclear explosion! A beast has been awakened! It approacheth with fearsome steps! Boom! Boom! Boom! Are we paying the price for our hubris of science? Witness the primeval might that is Godzila, with one "L" for trademark reasons! Oh! No one is safe! Who all's going to protect us? It's Mechagodzila! Boom! Boom! Boom! Thank you for choosing Staples! Donald, George punched my crotch! You liked it! Oh, my God.
Captain Burnett called earlier, Miss Lemon.
Finally! Not that it matters.
We're turtles.
He says he doesn't have cell-phone service 'cause he's on layover in Daytona Beach.
But don't worry, he's fine and having a great time with his flight crew, Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal.
Also, in the background, I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.
See? This is why I need to find someone to talk to.
Talk to about what? Men.
Trust.
I mean, I just feel like sometimes men aren't totally honest with me.
Go on.
Well, for starters, everyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.
My own dad tried to secretly cheat on my mom, and I thought their marriage was perfect.
And, of course, there's Santa Claus.
Okay.
Talk about that.
When I was seven, I asked for a CB radio for Christmas so I could track gas prices around the state for a cool chart I was making.
We'll get back to that later.
When I didn't get it, my dad blamed Santa Claus.
Well, Santa made an enemy that day.
And the next year, when he returned to the Schuylkill Galleria, so did vengeance.
Ho! Ho! Ho! What can Santa bring you this year? What does it matter? You didn't bring me what I asked for last year, you fat fraud! You're a bigger disappointment than our current president, Jimmy Carter! I am a fraud, little boy! My wife still thinks I work at the bank! I guess Santa Claus was the first man to ever betray me.
That must have been difficult.
It was.
But it feels good to talk about it.
Thanks.
Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth.
Listening is twice as important as talking.
But He gave us ten fingers.
He must really want us to poke things! Poke, poke, poke! It's the vacant lot where we had our first face kiss! Who stole my canteen? Jenna, what we have is so beautiful.
People need to see how happy we make each other.
And I think we're ready to take that step.
So over Christmas, I want you to come to Ohio and meet my parents.
What? Happy anniversary.
Hey, get a room whatever that is! Well, Tracy, I went to the restaurant last night.
That place is a disaster.
Damn it, you think I don't know that? I've poured more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut! You have a house in Connecticut? No, I do not! Jack, I need other investors besides me.
What? You're the only one bankrolling this? What about Brown and Folderson? That's what I call my wallet! I've bankrolled every one of Donald's dumb ideas.
But what choice do I have? I'm his father.
But you're doing him no favors, as a business partner or a father.
You need to cut him off.
Come on.
The boy's only 43 years old.
Tracy, listen to me.
Not everyone is cut out to be a businessman.
For example, curly-haired men and people who need glasses.
But I can't crush his dreams.
You're not.
You're just letting him fly with his own wings.
And I bankrolled that, too! Thank God we tested it with a monkey first! Miss Lemon, I'm signing people up for the 'TGS' softball team.
So far, I have 8 "nos" and 25 "shove it up your goon-holes.
" Shove it up your goon-hole.
You know, ever since we had our little talk yesterday, I've been doing some thinking.
Good.
If I remember correctly, we were discussing men and trust.
Yeah, and it got me thinking about my Aunt Linda.
What was she like? Great, until she got divorced.
My Uncle Harry was cheating on her.
Another male betrayal.
Go with that.
My parents used to make me go to Linda's house just so she'd have company.
I hated those visits.
Your uncle never liked my cooking.
But you do, right, Elizabeth? You love your Aunt Linda! Here's a fun game! Put on Harry's cologne and give me a back rub in the bath! To this day, whenever I hear someone's getting divorced, I can still taste that egg, and I Oh, my God.
My trust issues and my food issues are connected! Uncle Harold is the reason eggs make me gag! Kenneth, you're the perfect therapist.
I can dump all of my problems on you, walk away, and move on with my life! It's a win-win! Why did she have to say "Harold"? Liz last night was a disaster, and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit.
What happened? Paul's idea of moving things forward is me meeting his parents! He said they live in a "soo-borb"? Suburb.
Come on, Jenna.
It's not what you wanted, but it's progress.
In the wrong direction! I think I know what's really going on between you and Paul.
You're in love, and it's terrifying to you.
You're trying to sabotage it.
Sabotage? I'm the one trying to make this relationship work, which is why I'm gonna have to be the one to propose the sex tape.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's the man's job.
Jack! I found a therapist, and I've made some big breakthroughs.
I know you don't know what this means, but I'm eating eggs again! I know it means this conversation is disgusting.
Okay, Donald is on his way up.
I know cutting him off is hard, but it's your duty as a parent Tracy, do not laugh at the word "duty.
" Be strong.
Be rational.
No emotion.
Unemotional.
Got it.
Daddy, what's going on? I just love you so much! I love you, too, Daddy! Okay, stop it.
Donald, what Tracy is trying to tell you is that you're an adult and he will no longer support you financially.
Is that true, Daddy? For the love of God, stop calling him "Daddy.
" It is true, little man.
But I need you to be a big boy on this.
You're just not meant to be a businessman.
Fine.
I'll be okay.
I've got other ideas, like a microbrewery that also serves frozen yogurt.
I'm gonna call it Microsoft.
I have this recurring dream Actually, is it recurring if you wake yourself up with a and then return to it? Anyway, in the dream, I'm a baby, and my parents left me on top of the car by accident, and we're being chased I think has to do with my issues with sex.
Lemon, what are you doing? Is Kenneth your therapist? Well, kind of.
He can't handle that! Look at his head shape.
He has no brain pan! It's fine, Mr.
Donaghy.
I'm okay.
And so am I! I'm Cheryl.
This is exactly why I told you to see a professional.
You dump your problems on some half-baked Barney Fife, and you can start a chain reaction of mental anguish.
Look what you've done to him! But he's such a good listener, and he takes my insurance! I'm going to help you.
Lie down.
Put your mental burden in my mind vise, and I will crush it.
Kenneth, who is Harold? He was a role model of mine growing up.
Please let Harold be human.
Harold was a pig.
You see, my father passed when I was just a young boy.
After that, I was alone a lot and awful sad.
But that pig saved me.
In some ways, Harold was the only thing I had that was like a father.
You had a void to fill.
Continue.
Then one day, my mama told me we had to sell him.
I knew what that meant.
Harold was off to the slaughterhouse.
I know it's difficult I'm not done, sir.
It gets worse.
With Harold gone, there was nothing keeping me at home.
It was time for me to move to New York and follow my dreams.
But I needed $300 for the river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket.
And that's when I saw the sign.
I knew I could win that contest.
Why, I once ate an entire witch.
A pig was nothing! And then they brought me mine.
I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.
Kenneth, no.
It was Harold, and I ate all of him even the face, in case of a tie.
Good God.
I ate him, sir! I ate my father-pig! Okay.
Or you gave his death meaning.
His sacrifice made you what you are today, which is the lowest-level employee at the last-place network in America.
I guess that is true.
Thank you, sir, I'll think on that.
And you're sure you're okay hearing about all my problems? Of course.
I'm Jack Donaghy.
Oh, no! Crush it! Oh, God, here comes my childhood! I'm in here, Paul.
The restaurant was crazy today.
During Nude Hour, I got custard all over my penis.
What's going on in here? You want to take this to the next level? Let's videotape our lovemaking, pretend the tape got stolen, and let the whole world see.
Wow.
I don't know, Jenna.
I'm pretty beat.
I see.
Fine.
I guess we're just done having any adventure or excitement in our lives.
Well, jeez, I'm sorry that I'm happy with the way things are.
I mean, come on, why can't we just paint each other's toenails, watch vintage pornography, and then go to bed in our swing like a normal couple? Because it's boring.
We might as well be married! Okay, this isn't about us being adventurous.
This is about you being afraid to settle down with me.
That's not true! Fine, let's do this tape, but then what? What will you want next? Well, there's a sex resort in Japan where white people are treated like slaves.
No, Jenna.
You're making it impossible to live up to your expectations.
What are you saying? I'm saying adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child, is everything that I need.
But if that's really not enough for you, tell me now.
I'm sorry.
Very well.
I'm not gonna beg you.
I have my dignity.
I'll trust you to fairly divide up our panties.
I'll come get them tomorrow while you're at work.
Miss Lemon, I have another message from Captain Burnett.
Please don't get sad and remember things and infect me again! Kenneth, it's okay.
I'm not worried about Carol anymore.
I'm just sorry I messed you up like that.
Don't worry.
I had my brain cleaned by Mr.
Donaghy.
I told him everything! How Harold No, no, don't tell me your story! I can't handle it.
Look how small my head is.
Oh, my! It's so tiny! Daddy, I wanted to give you your share of our profits before I shut down my dream.
Someone left it in coat check.
Tracy, listen to me! I was wrong.
Don't turn your back on Donald.
Too late.
Look how we're positioned.
Kenneth told me a story earlier, a story about fathers and sons, and despite my best effort, it unearthed a memory from my own childhood.
As a boy, I wanted to be an astronaut or a deep-sea diver, a man of science.
But I was raised by Jimmy Donaghy, a man who projected his own failed dreams onto his family.
When I was in third grade, my class put on a science play.
The night before, Jimmy came home drunk and found me rehearsing my lines.
I was struggling with the science terms, and Jimmy laughed and said, "Well, looky here.
Doctor Jack, the boy who wants to be a scientist.
Chowderhead can't even say the words.
You'll never be nothin'!" The next day, I was up on that stage I looked out at the audience, I saw Jimmy, and I froze.
I am a protoin! Protein! All living orgasms I mean orgasms! Chowderhead can't even say the words! When I got home, I threw away my microscope, my shell collection, my map of the stars.
Nerd! A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything, says they're beautiful even when they're ugly, thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State.
Let the rest of the world tear your kid down.
Your job is to support him no matter what.
Tracy believes in you, Donald.
Go and make him proud.
That's a nice long speech and all, but your daddy was right.
You couldn't be a scientist.
You couldn't even be protein in a school play.
And I can't run a business.
I'm a failure.
I am a protein! All living organisms need me to function! A basic building block of the human body, I am made from amino acids found in ribosomes.
Proteins give energy to everything from flowers and butterflies to heroes who turn in Communists.
I am a protein! Daddy, can I have $50,000 to start a business where people can call in and get air-quality reports from all across the United States? - I'm gonna call it - Donald, no.
American Airlines! And it's going to work, son! This is what happens when you work at being happy! Godzilla sits next to you while you're eating an egg-salad sandwich.
What a world! What's the point? I moved here to make it on Broadway.
Now look at me.
I'm pathetic! I've got no real skills, a degree in Theater Tech, so you move back to Pennsylvania, live with your parents.
All of your old friends have kids and careers, and what do you have? Maybe your name on a TV show that no one will even remember.
I should have moved to Cleveland with that guy when I had the chance.
Damn you, Gojira! [Dinsdale]