30 Rock s06e04 Episode Script

The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell

From the director of Valentine's day and New Year's Eve What? Tomorrow is Martin Luther king day? Yeah, and neither of us have dates.
Too bad we're just platonic friends.
I have a right to love you.
Hello.
In the words of Martin Luther King, I've just got to go for it.
You're a white supremacist? You guys can just do the fun stuff.
Oh, my God.
All I want is one extraordinary moment.
Sounds like you have a dream.
It's Martin Luther King day.
So, I need you to promote that TGS.
No, I'm not promoting that garbage on the show.
Oh, Liz.
This isn't a request, this is an order.
I've already spoken to Jack about it.
Wow.
Well, now I'm going to speak to Jack about it.
The rest of you, keep working Lemon, I'm sorry, but Jenna has become a huge star for this network.
She's bigger than Maulik Pancholy on Whitney.
Look, I put up with a lot from Jenna.
A couple months ago, she cut off my ponytail because she was jealous of the attention that I was getting, on my own birthday.
But this is new, going to you behind my back? You can't reward her for that.
My hands are tied.
But, and I will, heh, never say this again, you have a power that I don't.
Besides the greatest power of all? The ability to gestate life.
Of course, Lemon.
That's why the President is always a new mom.
I was referring to your unique leverage with Jenna: Your friendship.
No, I like to keep "boss Liz" and "friend Liz" separate, because "boss Liz" is all "paperwork, paperwork," but "friend Liz" is all "my feet hurt, I'm staying in tonight.
" Lemon, I've decided to eliminate the NBC page program.
What? I was in Washington yesterday reviewing satellite images of Avery in North Korea.
For what it's worth, CIA analysts have confirmed that she is, indeed, "keeping it tight.
" I don't know how this is about my problem, but I trust you.
I'm getting there.
While I was in Washington, I learned the house shut down its page program.
With texting and email, a multi-million dollar system of pleasure slaves is no longer needed.
Hang on, we need the pages.
Especially Kenneth.
He, uh well, he, uh He always scratches that weird part of my back that I can't reach.
Unless Oh! That's the business! Now who's in charge, winter dryness? I'm hoping that a bold, cost-cutting move like this will impress Hank Hooper.
But I've only worked for Hank for a year.
He's still difficult to read, much like that memoir Reagan wrote the week before he died.
It's, uhscattered.
Well, now I think we're just talking about your thing.
You tricked me.
You know how to read Jenna.
Use your power.
Oh, damn it.
I need some tape! Ep.
04 - The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell Hey, Tray.
We just picked up your birthday party invitations from the printer.
Wait! What is this? "Give to charity please, no presents"? Yeah, that's what you told me to put on the card.
No, Dotcom! I said, "give to charity? Please, no.
Presents!" Well, I'm sorry, but you don't really need presents.
You already have everything.
I mean, you just bought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's bones, and he's not even dead.
Wow.
Maybe I do have everything.
But what does that say about me? I need time alone, guys, to think About mortality.
Hey, buddy.
I thought maybe we could have a little talk, girl to girl.
Mm, sure.
I love light chitchat.
Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered my kabbalist? Wow.
Look, we're inside, you can take off the sunglasses.
Oh.
What are those? Leeches.
They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.
Oh, my God! Okay, remember the pact we made back in Chicago? Liz, if I become famous, will you tell me if I start acting weird? Definitely.
And will you do the same for me? You? Famous? That's hilarious.
Well, I'm invoking the pact.
You're putting leeches on your face.
Demi Moore does it.
Plus, it makes P.
E.
T.
A.
furious, and if P.
E.
T.
A.
doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier, or a teacher.
Jenna, take off the leeches! I feel like I'm losing you.
I mean, we used to get lunch every week.
When was the last time we did that? You know, with my fecalist in jail, I can eat whatever I want today.
Maybe we could go to outback I'm going to call ahead and make sure we're in Darryl's section.
Who am I? What does it all mean? Will I ever truly be happy? Tray, I hate seeing you like this.
Sitting in here listening to your depressed thoughts CD.
What is the meaning of You remember Celia's bakery in the Bronx? It was on the corner of Malcolm X Boulevard and guy who shot Malcolm X Boulevard.
When I was a kid, I wanted one of those pies so bad.
So I swore to myself that one day I would become so rich I would buy every single pie in Celia's.
I wanted for nothing as a child, but that brings its own challenges.
Shut up, Dotcom.
And now look at that kid, he turned into an incredibly fit genius who has everything he ever wanted.
So if there's no more to want, what's the point in living? Whoa, hang on, Tray.
You've got a family.
Great, another thing that I've already got.
Thanks for making this situation worse.
Should we get another one? If you eat four, you get a T-shirt.
So one more, and that's two T-shirts.
Oh, no, they're here.
And you don't want the paparazzi taking pictures of you? Not when I'm just trying to have lunch with my best friend like a normal person.
It's like I'm in a cage.
And not the fun kind where you dance while U.
S.
C.
football recruits throw hot coins at you.
I'm sorry, do you want to sneak out the back? They'd be expecting that.
Would you like a chance to be famous, Liz? Naturally.
Always.
I'm from Tampa, Florida.
Leech abuser! Nice try, P.
E.
T.
A.
bitches.
But I saw you hiding in the crowd.
You just threw paint on a nobody, who can't even sing Make sure you get the outback sign in the shot or I don't get paid.
Taxi! I have good news, and I have bad news.
The bad news is, I am shutting down the page program.
The good news is for a different group of people.
Uh, as the most popular page, I feel I should say something.
Kenneth, please.
Everyone knows that Dalton is the most popular page.
Dalton! Dalton! Dalton! Fine, but, you can't cancel the page program.
Who will take messages or seat audiences or order lunch? Today, all of those tasks can be managed electronically.
You're just going to automate us? Excuse me, sir, but this reminds me of the tale of John Henry.
Now, gather 'round friends and We all know about John Henry, Kenneth.
It's just a story.
Well then, I know about another story that turned out to be true.
It's about a virgin who gave birth to a man who had some funny ideas.
That virgin was my sister.
And her son, Lyle, has a learning disability.
Security will escort you out.
And these uniforms are still the property of NBC, and we'll need them back.
You are insane! You knew that P.
E.
T.
A.
guy was there.
Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't be photographed with paint on me.
I'd look like you do right now.
That is psychopath behavior.
How did I ever even become friends with someone like you? If I remember correctly, Elizabeth, we became friends because I felt bad for you, standing alone at that party like a loser.
Yeah, 'cause I really wanted to talk to the girl who was wrestling in a kiddie pool full of lube.
Well, what were you even doing at that bachelor party? Derek thought I was a guy, and I didn't want to ruin what was happening between us.
God, I wish my first roommate hadn't died of old age.
Then you wouldn't have moved in, and I wouldn't have wasted to make you feel better about yourself.
'Cause guess what? The back of your neck does look weird.
Why would you say that? You know I can't see it.
Oh, forget it.
I don't need you, Liz.
I have real friends now, celebrity friends who understand what I'm going through.
You see? Charlie from Charlie bit my finger and Knob Kardashian just texted me.
They're my new besties.
Well, I don't need you either.
I've got a new bestie too, and her name is something cool, like Sam, and she does web design, maybe, and I haven't met her yet.
Look out, New York, Liz Lemon is 41, covered in paint, and looking for a new best friend.
Kenneth, you're a hard worker, and I will find you something else here at the company.
Not interested, sir.
I don't want to work for an organization that would throw away a tradition like the page program.
Think of all the famous people who started as pages: Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne gacy Kenneth, I'm sorry.
But progress means eliminating useless institutions.
Well, Mr.
Donaghy, there's one thing you haven't thought of.
Who will give the NBC tours? No machine can repla We're calling it "notkenneth.
" It's hard not to take that personally, sir.
We've inputted the entire page handbook into notkenneth's database.
It knows everything you know, and more.
Why, Jack, why? "Why Jack why?" is a 2002 episode of Will and Grace, in which Jack, Sean Hayes, chooses between two YMCAs.
Featuring guest stars Daniel Day-Lewis as gay benchpress guy.
Hey, Sue.
What are you up to tonight? I'm not working late again.
Why don't you write the show yourself? You take all the credit anyway.
I hope you dream of your death.
I was just wondering if you wanted to go to a movie? Oh.
I can't.
I have to work late.
Hey, Hank.
I didn't think I was going to see you until dinner tonight.
Whatever.
I don't even know if I'm coming.
Hank, is something wrong? Jack, I bought this company a year ago today.
Now, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but where I come from, anniversaries mean something.
Hank, of course I remembered our "businessversary.
" I sent a gift.
Oh, really? Was it invisible? Sorry.
I drove all the way up here from Philadelphia listening to Garrison Keillor and just getting psyched for a fun day.
I used our new messenger system and sent the gift to your office on the 60th floor.
Ah, it didn't go to 60, it went to 6.
What's on 6? Oh, no! Hey, how does an adult make new friends? I don't have time for this.
Hank Hooper's businessversary gift went to TGS.
TGSis a sketch show known for popular characters like Error.
Error.
Error.
Error.
Stop! Nerds, stop.
Stop what you are doing immediately.
Toofer, put that glass down.
That scotch fountain obviously was not meant for you.
Phillie phanatic, get away from him.
None of this was meant for you.
That should have been obvious, since a gift from me would suggest that you were producing good work.
You are not.
Lance Ito, you're out of order.
Line! This was meant to go to the 60th floor.
It's not their fault.
It says 6th floor on the invoice.
Must be a computer error.
Well, somebody made a mistake.
A dumb mistake.
And it wasn't the pages, and it wasn't the computer Ha! It was Jack! Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes.
He's just like us.
He's no better than I am.
He's just got a suit.
No, no, I am better than you, Lutz.
Someone else is to blame, and I will find him or, more likely, her.
He looks scared, like Lutz on an escalator.
Twinsies! I called the paps earlier, and they sent Lester.
No one ever uses him.
Ugh.
I'd like to bite his finger.
Charlie.
Sweetie, you look amazing.
Knob Kardashian, Charlie bit my finger, this is mankind.
And this, is Mr.
Socko.
Oh, I know Mr.
Socko.
Honey, I don't think that was Madame Bovary, I think it was Madame Ovary.
Oh, no, you went there.
Man, do my feet hurt in heels sometimes, and other things that women talk about.
Can we help you? Sorry, I'm just trying to make a new best friend.
Oh, sweetie, honey, oh.
Yeah, it's really hard.
I mean, how did you guys meet each other? We were at karaoke, and we all picked the same song.
And then when the song came up, we all went on stage.
And everybody was like, "what?" And then we were like, What you want? Baby, I got it Shut up! That's horrible.
But I get your point.
I need to go somewhere where someone like me would be hanging out.
But where does Liz Lemon go when she's out on the town? To the Barnes & Noble bathroom.
Occupied! God.
I know it is.
By my new best friend.
Hey there, Jack.
That Jenna Maroney sure is a hoot.
I didn't care for Mr.
Socko.
In my day, socks just kept their mouth shut.
Well, Hank, you'll be interested to know I'm getting to the bottom of our little gift mix-up earlier.
Really, Jack? There's a problem with the computer system where it confuses 6 and 60? I don't like your tone, Rossitano.
Aw, it's okay.
You messed up, buddy.
Lutz, don't touch me.
Hang on, Jack.
Are these two very ill children saying you messed up the delivery? That's unacceptable.
Hey, we all make mistakes.
Like farting when you're talking to three people.
No, a mistake is something a man does, like going to war without a reason, or executing a simpleton.
What Jack did is a "whoopsie-daisy," like a baby or a woman would do.
No, no, Hank.
It wasn't me, it was the machines.
Tell him it wasn't my fault.
My fault, a short-lived NBC game show in which homeless people won money by confessing to crimes they didn't commit.
Damn you.
Dam you.
A beaver goes to college in this 1987 anima Okay, who wants to see the red band trailer of Martin Luther King day? No, we need to decide which cell phone pictures I'm going to leak.
Everyone, listen to Charlie bit my finger's new song.
I'm rotten to the core mother Quiet! Mankind is trying to tweet about these clowns in Congress.
Excuse me, guys.
We're not doing your things, we're doing my me things.
You mean me, right? Me.
- Me? - You're all using that word wrong.
- I'm me.
- I'm me.
Uhh! I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.
Let me imagine what Peeta Mellark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.
Amy, this is great.
We are going to be best friends.
Where should we get dinner? I don't trust Sushi, Mexican gives me gas, and I already had a bloomin' onion today.
Me too.
Also, Ethiopian is out, because I don't want to see a man with a beard eat with his hands.
And nothing family style.
Ah! Why is family a selling point? Look at the state of the American family.
Not something we'll ever have to worry about at our age.
I saw a headline about those amoebas that eat your brain, but I didn't read the article.
Well, you didn't have time.
Our lives are half-over.
Our mothers lied to us.
Hey, you can't ride a bike on the sidewalk.
Oh, my God, I am starving.
We have been wandering around for Oh, brother.
Hanging out with me is awful.
Amy, we can't both be the negative, judgmental one.
So what? I'm just supposed to sit around and listen to you complain? No.
You're supposed to be so vacant and self-absorbed that you just let me vent without piling on.
I need Jenna.
I need Steffi.
They say people who kill themselves never regret it.
Tracy.
Tracy, stop.
I found something for you to live for.
I already have a room full of old black women.
No, Tray, this is Celia Monroe, from Celia's bakery.
She lives in a nursing home on Long Island now.
We're all sleeping with Carl, because he has the most puzzles.
But we tracked her down, and she baked you a banana cream pie, see? That's something you didn't have.
So that means there must be other things I don't have.
Other reasons to live.
You guys must have went through a lot of trouble to show me that.
You must have been upset.
And I know how that feels, because I've been upset.
I was very upset when you put "no presents" on my birthday invitations.
That's what this was about? Why didn't you just tell us back in your dressing room? Because showing is better than telling, and my schedule is light this week.
Thank you.
I never should have treated you the way I did, Liz.
I need someone who has so little going on in their life, she lets me get all the attention.
And I need someone in my life who doesn't listen to a word I say.
Thank you, I just got it cut.
I was wrong.
I do need you.
You had me at "I was wrong, I do need.
" I can replace just about everything you do, but no machine could ever be the human wastebasket that I dump my stupid mistakes into.
Dump, sir.
Dump all over me.
You thumb with a wig, those gifts were supposed to go to the 60th floor.
I'm sorry, sir.
It was all my fault.
Good job, Jack.
Blame it on an albino.
Classic, 'cause it works.
I can never replace you guys.
I love you, presents! Ooh.
I have that.
And that.
Oh! I've already got this.
Oh, my goodness.
I already have this.
I definitely don't need that.