3rd Rock from the Sun s03e01 Episode Script

Fun with Dick and Janet (1)

Harry: previously on 3rd rock from the sun we four aliens dreamed for the first time.
I'll tell you what you want to know! [German accent.]
Of course you will, Dr.
Naturally, not being human, we thought our brains were decomposing.
We planned an immediate return to the home planet.
We'll leave tonight at 8:53.
W-when are we coming back? Could be a week, a year, could be 200 years.
What about Mary? Oh, she'll be dead.
Maybe I am losing my mind, but while there's a little left, I want to marry you.
This is so great! I know! Uh, Dick, are you sure? Absolutely.
Well, this is good-Bye, then.
I had a dream you asked me to marry you.
You had a what? People dream.
People dream?! Hello! Sally! Harry! They're gone.
I miss them.
Minister: and that togetherness is what is most celebrated about this very special occasion.
Oh, Mary, this is the happiest day of my life.
You look so beautiful.
And I look smashing in my tuxedo.
My bow tie matches my cummerbund.
You're not wearing a cummerbund.
Yes, I am.
You're supposed to wear it on the outside.
Oh, that explains the rash.
Now, then, if anyone objects to this sacred union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
[Ominous organ chord plays.]
Sally: I object.
I think that's my arm.
Huh? Oh, sorry.
My family! You made it! I was afraid I was never going to see you again.
You look well.
You got some color.
Could have used you at the wheel, Dick.
Oh, but no.
You had to stay and marry that earth chick.
With tragic results for us.
I--I tried to contact you.
I tried everything.
I even built a transmitter, but then Ispilled grape soda on it and the whole thing shorted out.
However, I did manage to have a brief conversation with the captain of a shrimp boat.
So that's supposed to make it better? Oh, come on.
You got to go back to the home planet.
What's so bad about that? Oh, nothing.
Except when you pass too close to a quasar and this happens! Oh, my god! You've turned into a woman! Well, not everywhere.
As if showering in gym class wasn't traumatic enough.
Thank you very much.
[Screeching voice.]
Dick, I think it's time to cut the cake! I-I'll be right there.
Y-you're not going to leave again, are you? No.
We have some unfinished business to take care of.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Aah! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Ah! No, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Stop! Stop! You're ruining my tuxedo! Stop! Dick, I made breakfast! Dick, are you all right? Oh, no, Mary, I had another one of those horrible dreams! What happened? We were getting married.
Thank you.
No, no.
No, that was the good part, but then my family showed up.
Don't tell me.
They objected.
Well they had issues.
It's all right.
I've prepared a short speech just in case they did.
It's just basically and one of them's "off.
" Zmary-- Mary-- I think I made a big mistake.
I should never have let them go off without me, uh, on vacation.
Well, until they get back, can't we just enjoy our time alone? [Sobs.]
Alone? Dick, are you having second thoughts about us? About us? Oh, no, Mary.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You're the only thing keeping me sane.
Ohh! And it's a full-time job.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm going to get ready for work.
Ya crazy lug.
Ha ha ha ha ha! [Crying.]
I miss you all so much.
And my oatmeal is so lumpy.
Uh, welcome back, class.
Uh, before we begin, I'd like to hear what everybody did over their break.
Uh, bug? Me? Uh, w-well, I spent a lot of time in a cabin in the woods with my folks-- that's nice.
Caryn? Oh, uh, well, I went to the grand canyon with my brother and sister and-- oh, enough about your damn families! Didn't anybody spend the break alone, watching reruns and eating cheese doodles while an unfathomable emptiness permeated their shriveled souls? I saw booty call on pay-per-view.
Don't try to cheer me up, Leon.
It won't work.
Is there something you'd like to talk about, Dr.
Solomon? Talk about? With you, Leon? Ha ha ha ha! Well, you know I am a psych major now.
You are? Well, then help me out.
I've made a horrible, horrible mistake, and I can't stop hating myself for making it.
Well, you know, Dr.
Solomon, a person should never be sad for the mistakes he's made.
Only for the mistakes he's about to make.
Leon, that's beautiful.
It also explains why you always seem so sad.
Thank you, Leon.
You've made it all so clear.
I've got to learn to let go, to move forward and focus on the thing that's most important in my life.
Me! You guys remember when I thought our brains were melting? You remember that? [Chuckles.]
Well, it turns out we were just dreaming.
But, hey, none of you caught it either.
I mean, it was pretty stupid on all our parts, especially your parts.
I'm not taking the blame on this one! [Horn honks.]
Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry.
Let's not fight.
I miss you with all my heart.
I've come here every night hoping you'd returned but you never have.
And so I've come to a decision.
Sally, Harry, Tommy, I can't go on torturing myself anymore.
I have to move forward with my life, the life I've chosen with Mary.
I hope you understand.
And so good-bye.
Good-bye, Sally.
Good-bye, Tommy.
Good-bye, Harry.
Harry: good-Bye, Dick! It's almost as if I could hear you.
Harry, crying: it sure is! Harry! You're back! You're all back! Oh, I missed you all so much! Oh, Sally! Oh, Harry! Tommy! Ohh! A woman I've never seen before! Who's this?! The big giant head sent her.
Dick, I'd like you to meet your new wife! My wife?! Hi, honey, I'm home! Family meeting! Family meeting! No, not you.
That is not my wife.
So? I'm not your sister.
Yeah, and I'm not your brother.
He's certainly not my uncle.
And I'm not his aunt.
I'm not his father.
[All talking at once.]
You see? This woman is tearing this family apart! That's it.
Meeting adjourned.
That woman is not my wife.
I'm engaged to Mary.
Dick, you're gonna have to forget about her.
No, this can't be happening.
This cannot be happening.
It's got to be another crazy dream.
It's not a dream, Dick.
I don't believe you.
I still don't believe you.
I'll never believe you! All right, all right! I believe you! I believe you! Wife: can I rub that for you? Oh, leave me alone.
Yes, dear.
Go away! Thank you! Uh, look, Dick, here's the deal.
The big giant head thinks your pursuit of that blonde wench is distracting you from your duties.
How does he know so much about my wench? He summoned us before him.
He made us wear the truth belt.
The one with the buzzer? Bzzz! It was horrible, Dick.
So you caved, lieutenant? Yes! You just brought her here? It was either that or the big giant head was going to have you sucked back to the home planet.
Then I'd rather be sucked! Oh, typical! You know, Dick, it might not be so bad.
This woman, she is 100% wife.
I mean, all she read on the way over was the joy of cooking and the joy of sex.
This car is meshuggah! Oh, yeah.
And the joy of Yiddish.
Did you guys realize that we have 3 holes in our heads? and then this one.
Feel the sides of your head.
What do you know? Just wait.
There's more.
Isn't she adorable? We've been calling her Janet.
Well, most of us have.
I'm telling you, she looks like a zippy-- Harry, no! I've been telling you-- now that's enough! I've heard enough.
Get in the car.
We're ditching this woman.
We can't do that.
Well, of course we can.
I'll just put it in drive, and we'll fly like the wind! Tommy.
Tell him.
She is the big giant head's niece.
Wellso what? What's the worst thing that can happen if we leave her here? Big giant court-Martials.
Followed by big giant executions.
And then 4 tiny little funerals.
I don't care.
I've chosen love over death before.
Yeah, well, I haven't.
Janet, get in the car! Wh--you--wh-- oh-- damn! Oww! Some wife.
Oh! Food! God, I'm starving! Ah.
You waited.
I knew you would.
Ohhh! It's our first home.
I love it! Where's our bedroom? Oh, no, no, uh, that won't be necessary.
No! I want to be the best wife ever! Well, uh good luck to you.
Bye, now.
No, don't fight it, sweetie.
Let me love you.
Where's our boudoir? Oh--oh-- oh, well, uh--uh-- long story short, we don't have one.
Ok, then.
Whoa! Uhh! Ohh! Ohh! Ok! That was fun, and you were good.
I was amazing.
We're done.
Now go enjoy a sandwich.
Ok, then! Ssssspank me.
There's nothing to eat.
Well, that's good, 'cause there's no clean dishes.
God, this place is a pigsty.
Yeah, you better get on it.
Oh, thanks, Tommy.
That's a nice welcome ho-- Janet.
I love this room.
Oh, what's not to love? Did you know that this is where I do all of my cooking and cleaning? I mean, there is no greater honor for a woman.
Me, I can't get enough of it.
In fact, I'm gonna clean some dishes right now.
Ha ha ha! Oh, yeah! Oh, but I'm the wife.
Shouldn't I be able to do the dishes? No.
This is too much fun, Ok? Please! Ok, if you insist.
But I still get to do the floors! Whee! [Humming.]
No, no, no, no, no! I think the floors are my turf now.
There is no way you're getting this job, sister.
But you're the wife.
Good-bye, kitchen.
I sure am gonna miss ya.
I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you she's doing the kitchen.
Score! That's just great.
Oh, come on, Dick.
I'm sorry.
You know we wouldn't have brought her back here unless we were forced to.
Yeah, I guess not.
At least we're all together again, right? Yeah.
And what the hell? We've been through tougher times before, huh? Oh, guys! Ohh! Tv: are there aliens among us? Tonight local residents report seeing mysterious lights in the sky over the old Sweeney farm.
Whoa! That's the place where we landed! Ok, all right.
We have nothing to worry about.
Sally cleaned up the landing site.
You said you were gonna clean up the landing site.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I said I was going to clean up the landing site.
So you cleaned up the landing site.
Aah! Oh, god! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry up! Get over there! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, Don! [Gasping.]
Sally! You made my heart jump right into my mouth.
Ohh! Swallow.
Nice flashlight.
I was about to say the same thing to you.
Sally, where have you been? I thought we had a good thing going.
Oh, Don, we did.
I just-- I needed to take a little time, you know, to think things over.
I just went on one those spontaneous trips, you know, to, um, uh sea world.
Yeah, the sea world in turkey.
Funny, I didn't know there was a sea world in turkey.
There's sea worlds everywhere, Don.
You just got to know where to look.
Wh-wh-what are you all doing out here in the dead of the night? Oh, well, Tommy and I were just going to go down to old man Sweeney's creek and look for tadpoles while Harry here kept you busy.
Come on, Tommy.
Sure is.
You know, Harry, there are some crackpots saying that this is the work of UFOs.
As if there could be intelligent life out there.
What a load of hooey.
Hooey? Oh, yeah.
So much bunk, you can make a bed out of it.
Oh, it's bunk, is it? Any moron with half a brain knows that.
Half a brain.
I see.
Well, you know, Don, it's a big universe out there, and not just small big.
Big big.
Why, in the belletrix system alone there are over That's the biggest number I've ever heard in my life.
So don't you think on just one of those planets that there might be some species-- Smarter than you-- that would be capable of building a spaceship? Statistically, I suppose.
Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye.
Thank you, Harry.
Thank you, Don.
Aliens, huh? Aah! Uhh! It's just wheat.
Just wheat.
What's that?! Huh?! So, Janet, what do you call these things we're eating? Pancakes.
These are pancakes? I thought pancakes were burnt globs of dough that explode with flour when you bite into them, Sally.
Me, too.
Good morning, dear.
I'm just putting the finishing touches on your lunch.
Ow, wow, Dick.
You look terrible.
I feel even worse.
Why? What's wrong? All night long, Janet kept trying to touch my wacky place.
I wound up sleeping behind the Tv.
All I could think of was how much I wanted to be with Mary.
Shh! Shh! You've got to give Janet a chance.
I don't gotta do Nothin'! Janet.
Yes, dear.
You know this whole thing where I'm supposed to be your husband and you're supposed to be my wife? Of course.
It's never gonna work out.
And the sooner we face up to that, the happier we'll be.
There now.
Don't you feel better? [Crying.]
What's happening? I'm all wet! No, stop.
Don't do that.
No, stop! Stop! I'm leaking! Sally! Oh, it's fine, honey.
It's normal.
Go dry your eyes, and we'll shop for shoes, Ok, honey? [Janet sobbing.]
You cannot talk to her like that! We'll all get incinerated! Well, I think we all love Mary enough to make that sacrifice.
No! No! Am I right? Wh--wh-- well, I do.
Oh, my god! What are these? Pancakes.
Janet's pancakes.
These are pancakes? I thought pancakes were-- me, too! Ok?! Hey, Dick-- it's not what it looks like! It looks wonderful! I've never seen you bring your lunch in a picnic basket before.
Well, I've never seen you in a thong bikini before, but there's a first time for everything, right? No.
What did you make? What did I make? W-w-well, that's a-- an easy enough, uh, question to answer.
I'll just, uh, open it up and show you.
Peppered duck PATé and wheat crackers, uh, Thai noodles, homemade chocolate-chunk cookies.
Oh! A flower? Well, what's wrong with your FIANCé bringing you a flower? Oh, that's sweet.
I'm sorry, Mary.
I know that, uh, lately I-I've been acting a little strange.
Lately? Ok.
For the last few minutes.
But I'm going to make it up to you.
Nina! Yes? Will you make a reservation for 2 tonight at la petite orange? La petite orange? Oui.
What did he do? Nothing.
Oh, yeah, he did something, all right.
All I've done is to love Mary more than any other woman in this world.
No matter how good their pancakes are.
Have you ever done that? Yeah.
Have you ever done that? Oh, yeah.
Have you ever done that? Yeah.
Oh, Dick! Can we do this? Ohh! No! Mrs.
Dubcek, what are you doing here? I'm talking to yourwife.
Well, I think you two have talked long enough.
Janet, please! I can get into my pajamas in my own time! Yes, dear.
You know, a woman doesn't have to pretend that she's your wife to sleep over, unless that's what spikes your punch.
Janet, get off me! Go make me an English muffin pizza.
Yes, my little kreplach! Ooh! Listen up, everyone.
I have a plan.
I'll go get Janet.
No, no! It's a plan to get rid of Janet.
Nice save.
Dick, you can't just kick her out.
I know.
But what if she wanted to leave? She doesn't want to leave.
Not yet.
But I think I can change that.
Watch as I become the most obnoxious, repulsive creep any woman has ever met.
Wow! The transformation is astounding.
I'm impressed! I haven't done it yet! But I must start immediately.
Harry, go pick up Mary and take her to la petite orange.
Here's a 20.
I think it's going to cost more than that.
Well, you won't be eating.
All Righty.
Your mini pizza is ready.
Uh, coming, dear.
It begins.
Captioned by the national
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