3rd Rock from the Sun s03e17 Episode Script

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Good morning, Dick.
Hello, Mary.
Young love.
I didn't mean to stare at them, but they're really going at it.
They really are.
Hey! That fat guy's blocking our view! Hey, chubby, keep it moving! Ohh! You scared them off.
Ohh I guess this is what my life has become living vicariously through the gritty romance of others.
The gates of windemere? Yeah.
Sasha Reese is torn between two lovers, and every step she takes is a guilty yet sensuous delight.
That's junk.
How can you say that? I'm telling you, I read it.
It's junk.
I saw the most romantic movie last night.
Man, woman, bed, cake.
It's a German art film.
Very riveting.
Once you figure out which character's male and which character's female.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm off to see a movie at cine Rutherford, and I refuse to pay those outrageous concession stand prices.
Where'd you get those? I bought them last time I was at the movies.
You're going to the movies? You're not taking the car, are you? No, Sally, I'm going to walk the 3 blocks! Of course I'm taking the car.
I'm buying groceries.
I need the car.
Well, you can have your fun later.
I'm so sick of this.
You have to get me my own car.
Yeah, Dick.
Most families do have 2 cars.
Most families have a couch.
Most families have a mother.
Most families are related.
If that's what you want, go move in with most families.
Whoo! Well, not that I'm thinking about it, but where exactly do most families live? Wait, Dick.
I need wheels.
Buy a car.
Yes! A used one.
And be sure to listen to the car salesman.
He's your friend, and he's there to help.
Well, aside from the overpowering stench of cat musk, this one's a cream puff.
This one's pretty cool, too.
Except for that spot on the seat.
It's blood.
I'm getting out.
Boys, the search is over.
This is the most sensible car I have ever seen.
This car makes me feel like something that's always been missing in my life can be solved with this long, beautiful machine.
It's kind of shaped like a banana.
You know, I've been waiting to see this movie for months.
Oh, really? I just got here.
Are you, uh German? No.
Are you trying to make conversation? No.
OhI love that.
I'm Anita.
I'm Dick.
So since we're both alone, would you like to sit together? Sit with you, together, us? Yeah.
Well, sure.
Oh, uh, F.
-- Raisinets on the right, jujubes on the left.
Reach in oh that was wonderful.
I just loved the ending.
I just loved when you Frenched me.
Where's your car? Apparently it's parked in heaven.
Must have viper.
Lieutenant, this is a mistake.
We just need transportation.
We're not entering the daytona 500.
It was amazing.
The power, the thrust! You should've driven it.
I tried to drive it and you bit my hand.
All right, Sally, let's see what we can do to put you into that beautiful automobile-- today.
We'll think about it and come back.
He's just a child.
Don't pay any attention to him.
It's Ok.
I was a kid.
Tell me, sport, do you like girls? Yeah, I do.
All right.
So, bill, could I have the keys now? Sure.
But first we're going to need 1/3 down.
On a $60,000 car, that's 20,000.
Ok, no problem.
I'm writing a check.
Now you're thinking like a businesswoman.
Nothing like a check to show the manager you're serious.
Like a heart attack, bill.
I'll be right back.
Have you gone insane? We don't have $20,000.
I have an idea.
We can hold a raffle.
That's great.
What would we raffle? The viper! Sally, that check is gonna bounce and they're gonna come after us.
Yes, but they'll never catch us in the viper! Ok.
We ran your credit report.
They say you don't exist.
Oh, that's weird.
So can I take the car now? No.
My manager also told me you only have $1,300 in the bank.
Well, that is just not true.
Who did he get that from? The bank.
All right, bill, what do I have to do to get this car? Well, that's simple.
Less money up front and a series of pickup payments, finance the back end against the deficit down lease.
We'll launch fiscal payoff or simply spread the down across the term and use asset collateral.
Bill, what do I have to do to get this car? [Sighs.]
Oh, that was oh, I know.
Just wonderful.
Thank you for a good time.
Thank you for not listening to me when I said no.
You're a great guy.
Ohyou're terrific, too.
That's why this is going to be so hard to say, but, Anita I don't think I can marry you.
You can't? No.
Although I know it would be the gentlemanly thing to do.
I--I'm just not ready.
Oh, Dick.
I just got through a really messy divorce, and I don't want to get married.
I don't even want a relationship.
So this is pretty much it.
What are you saying? This is pretty much it.
Really? Well, you know-- I--I hope that you're Ok with this.
Ok? I'm Jim dandy! I had no idea this sort of random coupling existed.
Outside the animal kingdom.
Tell me, are there a lot of women who feel the way you do, and do you happen to have their phone numbers? Now add the 5 and carry the 2.
Got it.
All right, Harry, I think I've finally worked it out.
If we give bill our $1,300 down and get a payment of $70 a month which we can afford.
The car would be paid off in 2073.
It'll be an antique by then.
We could make money on this car.
Let's go find Dick's checkbook.
Come on.
So you guys are getting a new car? Yeah.
A viper.
A viper? What a ridiculous waste of money.
Don't tell me.
Tell Sally.
I thought you wanted it.
You know, to impress all those vapid bimbos at school.
You mean like, uh Tina Emory? Exactly.
Did you see what she had on today? Oh, god! With the--ugh! Uhwould you just excuse me for just a second? Sally, we have got to get that viper! Hello, family! You'll never guess.
I had sex again.
Oh, no.
If you and Albright are back together, I'm just gonna frag us all.
No, it wasn't Mary.
It was Anita Palone.
A fabulous divorcee I met at the movies.
Oh, a little casual sex.
Casual sex? Yeah, you know.
A passionate tryst with a stranger.
Yes! Yes, that's exactly what I had.
Casual sex.
Wham bam, thank you, deliveryman.
Nothing could be sweeter than aniter in the theater.
Sally: wait, wait, wait.
So you just met her, and then did you, uh, did you use oh, yeah, yeah.
A 3-pack.
Ribbed for her pleasure.
I turned them inside out.
Oh, god, you are so selfish.
Thursday's good? Yeah.
Thursday's good.
What's that for? For you.
For what? For recommending man, woman, bed, cake.
Oh, I take it you liked it.
Oh, no.
It was god-awful.
But I met a woman in line.
A fabulous woman.
Ohh! Well, that's nice, Dick.
Oh, I'll say.
We had sex in my car.
You did what?! I can't believe it either, but it was great.
Why are you telling me this? Oh, it wasn't a big deal.
It was casual sex.
That's the great thing.
Oh, yes.
You know, it all started with these raisinets.
I had them in my pocket-- [Bell rings.]
Oh, damn! I have a class.
I'll tell you what.
We'll have lunch, and I'll fill you guys in on all the sexy details, Ok? And that, of course, led to the big bang.
And you just met in line at the theater? You rule! It's pretty amazing.
Solomon, um, I'm a little uncomfortable with this dialogue.
Oh, no, don't be.
Just in wrapping up this section, I'd like to say that after such a wonderful night, for as long as I live, I'll never forget Anita.
Anita! Anita Palone.
Anita Palone? That's my mom's name.
This woman said that she was from Pittsburgh.
My mom lives in Pittsburgh, andshe was visiting me this weekend.
Well, then it must be her! My god, bug! How could you have been in my class for 3 years and never mentioned how incredibly hot your mom was?! Talk about coincidence! Hi, Mary.
Hello, Mr.
I have news.
You nailed the scrubwoman in the broom closet.
You remember my telling you about my one-night stand? Rings a bell.
Turns out she's bug's mother.
How did you find that out? Oh, I was rhapsodizing about it in class.
Once I told him her name, bug guessed.
You don't care whose feelings you hurt.
Like who? Bug, for instance? I didn't realize.
Of course you didn't.
Well, why are you so angry? I'm not.
As a matter of fact, I could care less what you do, you huge ass! You know, if I were the Dean, I'd slap you in the face.
Hey! You're not the Dean! What was that for? You know, there are two kinds of people in this world.
Those who want loving, monogamous relationships and those who hop from bed to bed having meaningless sex! Yes.
I was the former, now I'm the latter.
What's the big deal? You know, if I were Dr.
Albright, I'd slap you in the face.
Hey! You're not Dr.
Albright! And the viper has 420 horsepower.
Sounds like a lot.
Oh, it's plenty.
Tina Emory.
What a surprise.
Gee, Tommy, I had no idea you were so popular.
Well now you know.
And you're such good friends with Tina.
Yes, I am.
We met at school when he told me he was getting a viper.
Where is the viper, anyway? Oh, it's coming.
When is it coming? 'Cause I hate to have to keep riding to school in Doug toffler's trans am.
Well, that won't be necessary at all.
UhI'll-- I'll be right back.
I'll beright back.
Dick, I'm in very big trouble.
We need that viper now! What's the emergency? My love life depends on it.
Ahh! Looking for a little casual sex, eh? I would be happy to get to casual first base with this one.
Don't sweat it, Tommy.
You'll get there.
Of course, you might get slapped a couple of times in the process.
But you will have a ball.
True, there's a chance that you'll lose a little self-respect, but it's a lot of fun.
Sounds good.
That is, if you don't compare those few seedy moments with a relationship that once meant everything to you.
So if that sounds good go for it.
Come on in, folks.
I have some news.
We, uh, ahem we got the deal! For 1,300 down and $70 a month? Exactly.
Yes! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You got the numbers right, but you misspelled viper.
It's spelled "pinto.
" Ooh! Pinto.
Is that like a souped up viper? Actually, no.
It's that brown one right out there.
That? Oh.
But I thought that's what you fed the viper.
"Fed the viper.
" No, Sally.
I want to make your dream of having a car come true, and after reviewing your financial situation, I've chosen a ford pinto for you and your driving needs.
That's what I do, Sally.
I'm a professional.
I don't want a pinto.
I don't want one.
I hear you, Sally.
I do.
Tell you what.
Let me check inventory.
There's a '75 nova out back that I was saving for a friend.
[Clicks tongue.]
Ok, we can't panic.
We cannot let that viper slip away.
This guy has to have a weakness.
I mean what? I've got it! We can't win.
What? We can't win.
This is no ordinary guy.
He's a soul sucker.
Dear god.
You're right.
We've encountered his kind before.
He's an evil force of nature.
A black hole.
He feeds on our desperation.
Tom, what are you saying? It just makes him stronger.
There's only one thing we can do, lieutenant.
We've got to walk away.
No, no, no, no! I hate walking! We've got to! Well I made a friend cry.
But the nova's yours, Sally.
Sally? No.
Yes! You can drive her home today.
Huh? I said no.
Come on, Sally, I am ready to make this deal.
Ha ha ha ha! No! I'll throw in floor mats, fabric guard, and undercoating.
Ok, boys, step aside.
You have taken the joyful experience of buying a car and turned it into something ugly! You know what you are, buddy? A car salesman.
Yeah, that's right.
A big steaming pile of car salesman! Well, you just lost yourself a sale! Come on, boys! Ok.
I don't have a car, but I'm interested in your undercoating.
Mary, I just wanted you to know I've made it up to bug.
I have him an "a" on his test.
You faked his grade? Yes.
I made things right.
Oh, Dick, you can't do that.
Why not? Well--you just can't.
What do you want from me?! I want you to think, Dick.
I want you to think about how your actions affect other people.
What about the other students in your class, the ones you've hurt? Sure, they act like they're not vulnerable, but they are.
I've never seen you this concerned about other people before.
Is this about you? Yes, it's about me.
But, Mary, we're broken up.
We have been for months.
I know, but there's still some stupid part of me that thought we might get back together.
I have that stupid part, too! Forget it.
We're not getting back together.
Why not? 'Cause you ruined it.
I thought I'd already ruined everything I could possibly ruin! Well, you missed a spot.
Oh, what was I thinking? Anita was a mistake.
It was fun for a while, but then it was so empty.
Not like with you.
I'm sorry.
Hugs? Ok, but don't grind me.
Sol-- wow.
You'll nail anything that moves.
Come here.
Please, just give me a moment alone with-- bug, uh, sit down, bug.
I've learned a lot over the past few days, bug, and I just want to say that I'm sorry for what I said about your mother.
Also, I feel it only fair to give you the grade you deserve, which, as you probably know, is an "F.
" Ohh! Oh, first you and my mom, and now you're giving me an "f"? Oh, man.
Oh, man! Bug! Dad.
Is this the illustrious Dr.
Solomon? Yes, that's me.
And you are? So angry! Dad-- shut up, son.
I mean that in the most caring way.
I'm glad you're here, Mr.
I was just telling bug how concerned I was about your ex-wife's lurid sexcapades.
Will you please stop talking about that? You'd think this was the first woman you ever had.
Well, not to brag, but actually, it's my second.
Oh, a ladies' man.
Big shot.
Smooth talker.
You should be ashamed of yourself! No, no, no.
Hold on.
I'm just trying to set my house in order.
Granted, having sex with her in my car is fun-- you had it in your car? Don't hit him! Let me go! I don't care if I ever play the harp again! Aah! I'll kill him! I'll kill him! I wonder how long I can convince Tina that the viper's in the shop.
Oh, probably a long time.
She's not the shiniest coin in the fountain.
Don't worry, Tommy.
We'll get a car eventually.
It was just our bad luck that we happened to get the one car salesman who gives his whole profession a bad name.
Hey! Groovy meat monocle.
Oh, thanks.
No more casual sex for you.
You know, there's no such thing as casual sex.
It has all these repercussions.
Well, maybe it wouldn't if you'd just shut up about it.
If I hadn't talked about it, I never would have found out something wonderful.
That Mary still cares about me.
Oh, like I said, you should have just shut up about it.
Captioned by the national excuse me, but is this the line for the 3:15 show? No, no.
N-No, you don't! I'm just here to see a movie.
I'm not having sex with you! Please, just take some raisinets and go.
Leave me alone! Go on! Go on! That was a close one.
Keep running, you vulgar slut!
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