3rd Rock from the Sun s04e01 Episode Script

Dr. Solomon's Traveling Alien Show (2)

High commanders log: it's been days since harrys been missing and I'm damned if I know where he is.
Here's what I do know.
Harry ran across Vicki Dubcek's ex-boyfriend.
I'm lookin' for a scrawny little runt.
There are a few of those around here.
Come on! Harry's gone! Harry's gone! We know! Shut up! Before we knew it that crazed redneck dragged Harry off.
I can only pray, he kept his mouth shut.
Incoming message from the big giant head! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You goin' hulk on me?! Remember, your human bodies are property of the big giant head and can be revoked at any time.
Hot diggety damn! This ain't no normal runt! I got me a bona fide freak! There could be money in this.
Oh, yeah! Where could he be? Where? Ladies and gentlemen, Garvin's gallery of apparitions and curiosities is proud to present Hargo the alien.
People of earth I come in peace.
I am Hargo.
Just Hargo.
Where I come from, we don't have last names, which makes it really difficult, because on my planet, Hargo is a really popular name.
Much like your bob.
W-wait a second, you guys.
Did I mention that I come in peeeee-- incoming message from the big giant head! Our records continue to indicate that you have failed to file your status report.
Immediate response mandatory.
Penalties for delinquency include, but are not limited to, systematic disconnection of your high commander's brain functions.
Have a nice day! Transmission ending in 321-- ah-choo! [Cheering.]
All right, bye.
Ok, I've made an appointment with the psychic.
She's gonna tell us where Harry is.
Let's go.
Wait, wait.
Now, if she's so psychic, why doesn't she just use her powers to win the lottery or something? Because psychics are not in it for the money, Tommy.
They are here to help people.
See, that's why they stay on the line as long as you need them.
You guys, we're wasting time.
Come on, Dick! Let's go.
We're going to a psychic.
We're going to a psychic? Why? To help find Harry.
Harry's missing? Why didn't anybody tell me?! Uh, 'cause you knew? I most certainly did not! Let's get going! Where are my car keys? They're in your hand.
Ah, found them.
Now we can go.
All right, let's get moving.
Come on, Harry! DickHarry's missing.
What?! My god! Well, why are we all just sitting around?! We gotta go find Harry! We're going to the psychic for help.
Good idea.
I'll give you a ride.
Where are my car keys? Check your hand, Dick! Ah.
Here they are.
Come on, let's go.
Harry! I'm gonna go borrow mama's el Camino.
Dick? Um, are you Ok? I'm fine.
Wait! You don't think that this is some sort of punishment from the big giant head for not sending in the status report? Oh, please! Did you hear that, Harry? Harry? Harry! D-oh! Great! Harry's run off with my car keys! [Knock on door.]
Garvin, can I talk to you for a minute? Hargo, have a seat.
Look, I'm afraid that somewhere along the line, you've got the mistaken impression that I-- ha ha ha am an alien.
And I'm not.
Of course you're not, kid, but here's the magic.
You make me believe.
Well, thanks, but if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon go home.
It would be fun, wouldn't it-- oh, darn the luck.
I just remembered, that's a no-can-do.
I've got a signed contract, my friend.
Wait a second.
I don't remember signing any contract.
Yeah, but your former associate randy lefornier did.
Yeah yeah here's the deal.
See, he's not so much my former associate as much as he's my former kidnapper.
Yeah, and I'm sure that my family's worried about me.
Your family? Where are they? I don't know.
But they're not here, are they? If they cared about you, wouldn't they come looking for you? Well, they probably are looking.
I don't think so.
I bet they put up posters.
I know for a fact they have not! Those bastards! I hate them as well.
But you have a new family now, Hargo.
A family that understands your talent, a family that's going to harness that talent for profit.
My profit? Slow down.
You're going to be big, Hargo, so big it scares me.
Well, what, like flipper boy big? Human pincushion big.
I'm sensing that someone you love is missing.
How did you know that? You told her on the phone.
Did you bring me a lock of his hair? Uh, no, ma'am, I didn't, but I've got some letters of his and, uh, this is my wonderbra.
It's his sleep toy.
Here's a picture of him.
Oh, yes, yes.
I'm getting some very strong vibrations from these.
Wait a minute.
I've seen this guy.
Here we go.
She's havin' a vision.
No, no, I'm not.
I saw this guy at the Lapine county fair.
You saw him in your head.
No, no.
I saw him at the fair.
He's working there.
Well, why don't you lay out some cards and you can tell us more.
Wait! No, no, no.
She doesn't need to lay out cards.
We can go get Harry.
Come on! Well.
Tommy, I guess you were right.
This woman is Nothin' but a sham.
Thank you.
You've really been a big help.
Losing my memory, bah! I found the university with no trouble at all.
Good afternoon, Dr.
And a fine afternoon it is, Gwen.
Excuse me? What? Oh, sorry.
Eh, how do you pronounce your name? Nina.
Yeah, I know that.
This isn't my lipstick.
That's not your desk.
I know that! I was just looking for my lipstick.
Oh, hi, Dick.
Hi, there, pretty lady.
Is there any news about Harry? News? What's the last news you heard? That he's still missing.
Who's missing? Harry! I know that.
Now, uh, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment.
You can't get out that way.
I know that.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Hargo.
Kudos on your performance tonight, Hargo.
Well, thank you, giganticus.
That's nice to hear, comin' from the man that I would consider to be king.
Well, even the tallest man in the world will stoop to pay a compliment when it's so well-deserved.
Oh, get outta here, ya nutball.
You're gonna make me cry.
We know where Harry is! We know where Harry is! We know where Harry is! Ok.
We need to go to the Lapine county fair.
How's Dick? Oh, not so good.
I thought he could use some fresh air, so I sent him down to the old town road to pick up strawberries.
You're back quick.
[As henry Fonda.]
You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our driveway, and I couldn't remember which way to go.
I went into our backyard, and nothing looked familiar to me.
Not one damn tree.
Scared me half to death.
Snap out of it, ya old poop.
All right.
Now get his jacket.
We got to roll.
Mary: Dick? Dick I know how hard this has been on all of you, so I made you a casserole.
What stinks? It's got onions.
I can't have onions.
Come on, Dick.
We gotta get going.
Get going?! What, you know where Harry is? If I did, will ya take that stink pot outta here? Hey, mama made us a sackful of sandwiches for the trip.
Now, you be careful at that fair.
The moonshine, the mutant pigs, the ex-cons runnin' the rides.
You're not gonna wanna come back home.
Sally! What's the big emergency? Don, we need to go to the Lapine county fair, and Dick lost the keys to the car! I'd love to go.
There's no room for you.
We just need to borrow your squad car.
You can't just take that car! It belongs to the cit-- hey, can we use the siren? Come on! Only if you're going over 80! I'mafraid of Virginia Woolf! Me! How long do you think they'll be gone? Well, usually when they take the squad car, it's 5, 6 hours.
And they think we're just gonna sit here and wait.
Well that's what I usually do.
All right, he's not in the arcade.
Oh, damn! How are we supposed to find Harry in this sea of blubber and B.
?! Well, all I know is, I'm gonna find me a good psychic.
Not one that just recognizes people.
Hey, where did Dick go? Oh, great! I told you we should have tied him to a tree! Guess your weight for $1.
Guess your weight? Oh, all right, young man, you got a deal.
the scale, please.
205, right on the button.
I'll be.
Ha ha.
Guess your weight for $1.
Guess your weight.
Well, you're on.
You are good.
Guess your weight? This should be interesting.
How much? $5.
You got a customer.
[Music plays.]
Harry?! Harry?! People of earth, I am Hargo the alien.
Oh! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! We are from a superior race.
Our brains are far more evolved than yours.
Why don't we just grab him? Good idea, bonehead! Then we create even more of a scene.
I'm sorry! We visited your tiny little planet thousands of years ago and built the towering pyramids! What? We didn't build the pyramids.
We killed the dinosaurs.
We killed the dinosaurs? Didn't we? Oh, whatever.
We come in peace.
And only--[Babbling.]
Incoming message from the big giant head! Oh, no! My god! This is a good show.
It reminds me of George gobel.
Stage one of brain shutdown is complete.
Amygdaloid nucleus and thalamus will be disabled next unless your high commander files his status report.
Transmission ending in 321-- ah-choo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Vicki: oh, man! Isn't this great?! My boyfriend is the king of the freaks, man! Oh, yeah, baby, I'm watchin' you! You're lookin' good up there! You're lookin' good! They are a strange family.
So strange.
You know, they have a litter box.
But no cat.
Ok, how about this? Dick saves his toenail clippings and puts them in a shredder 'cause he's afraid of being cloned.
So odd.
So veryvery odd.
Why do we put up with 'em? Well, I know why you do, Don.
I mean, how often does a super model fall into your lap? You won the lottery.
No offense.
None taken.
But you've got to admit, you've got lucky, too.
Excuse me? Come on, admit it, you're a lonely schoolmarm in a one-horse town, when along comes a crazy cowpoke sniffin' around your petticoat.
Did Dick tell you about our gunsmoke game? No.
We don't have one.
Look, let us in.
You think you scare me? You people look likeants to me.
Harry: let 'em in, giganticus.
Well, if it isn't the poor relations.
I knew you'd come around as soon as you found out I was a star.
Oh, hello, Vicki.
Harry, I've always longed for a life in show business.
The big crowds, the bright lights.
And you know what's funny? I don't even mind the stench of manure.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Vicki Dubcek.
Long time, no see.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm afraid that you have the wrong Vicki Dubcek.
Haven't changed a bit.
[Nervous laughter.]
Look, Harry, Dick is in trouble.
His brain is going, and you're our only hope! You have to send in that status report! No! You can't boss me around anymore.
You--you people didn't even put up posters! No! I call the shots now.
Look, Harry-- silence! It's Hargo the alien to you.
Is there a problem here, Hargo? No.
I think we're through.
Hey, you're a tall, cool drink of water.
Let me ask you something.
Can you eat glass? Yes, I can.
And no, I won't.
So you're the little menace who keeps leaving your tricycle in my driveway.
Next time, you're not getting it back.
Ah, it's not your fault.
You've got lousy parents.
I should have known they would have brought in the big guns.
Tip-tip, could you give us a moment alone? Maybe you could go get a mint.
Look, Dick, you can just save your breath, Ok? I can't answer the big giant head.
'Cause if I do, then he'll stop contacting me.
And then my act is over.
I'm finished.
I'm lookin' out for me.
Who are you? Oh, don't give me that! Come on.
I'm just the same guy I always was, only smarter.
I don't know who you are.
Why, because I'm living for myself for a change? Who the hell are you? You want to know who I am? I'll tell ya who I am! I don't know anymore, Dick! I don't know! Now you're hurting me.
I know.
I've been selfish.
What have I been thinkin'? [Hargo show music plays.]
Pardon me, Dick, but I've got a show to do.
That's a magnificent sweater.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! People of earth, I am Hargo the alien.
That's my dentist.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! I come from a galaxy far, far-- y'know, I'd like to try something a little different tonight, if I could.
Now, you've all seen the big giant head call me.
But you haven't seen me call the big giant head.
Let's call him, shall we? [Disappointed murmuring.]
It'll be great.
I'm just gonna make a little phone call-- transmission line's open for the big giant head.
Wh-why is he changing the act? That act was gold! Your status report has been received.
Ah-choo! Harry! Dick! What are you doing up there?! Get off that stage this instant! He's back! And he's pissed.
What a loss.
Hey, shut up! Shut up! Give him a break! After all the joy he's brought into your dismal lives, you ingrates! Harry! Oh! Harry! We're so glad you're back! Glad you're safe, man.
Why the hell am I wearing a diaper?! [Noise downstairs.]
That must be them.
Ok, let's get this thing straight.
We are not gonna let them keep dragging us into their insanity.
Damn right! This magnificent rottweiler's taking off the choke chain starting right now! Follow my lead.
Hey, Don.
Miss me? Don! Aw, shut up! Hey! Harry's back! In the house! Harry, where were you?! Oh, it's a long story.
Hey, you know what? You and I ought to take a shower.
'Cause you smell like a monkey.
[Making monkey noises.]
Tommy, where was Harry? A freak show.
You know, bearded ladies, Siamese twins--the usual.
Why won't anyone tell me anything?! I'm sorry, Mary.
Things have been a little crazy, and I haven't exactly been myself.
I hope you can forgive me.
Well, Dick, I--I don't think I can.
What do you say you and I go down to blascott's? I'll tell you the whole story over a warm glass of brandy.
Oh, that sounds nice.
Let me just change out of this diaper, huh? Harry, I couldn't help but notice the way that bearded lady was lookin' at you.
Tell me the truth.
Did anything happen between the two of you? Vicki, a man gets awful lonely on the road.
And I can't say that I wasn't tempted.
But every time I came close, there was just one thing that I couldn't get out of my mind.
Oh, Harry.
Me? No.
She had a beard.

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