5th Gear (2002) s17e05 Episode Script
Series 17, Episode 5
Hello, and welcome to Fifth Gear.
We're at the biggest off-road playground we know with Mr.
Ross Noble and Mr.
Charlie Boorman.
And the fastest boys' toys we could find.
We'll be racing these boys' toys in a four-versus-two-wheel challenge.
Plus, Vicki reveals if the latest Mercedes system for cabriolets stops you getting ruffled.
And Jonny tests some intriguing handwriting recognition technology in the new flagship Audi A8.
It's just like KITT.
So before we start playing with these boys' toys do you fancy seeing me in the Porsche 911 GT3 RS? What, another supercar that I should have driven? Yeah, don't worry about that.
Do you want to watch it? You'll love it.
Roll the tape.
Take an £82,000 Porsche 911 GT3.
Lop 25 kilos from its weight by fitting a plastic back window.
Featherlight bucket seats and a titanium exhaust.
Squeeze an extra 15hp from the 3.
8-litre engine.
Add a roll cage, remove the soundproofing, stitch in some silly door handles Porsche 911 GT3 RS, done.
Now, the cost for those modifications sees the price soaring to £105,000, but it has got 450hp and is easily the most track-focussed 911 you can buy.
Dirty.
Porsche have really pushed the boat out to make this car phenomenal to drive.
Couple of things they've done: the front track has been increased by one inch, the rear track by two inches.
That's gonna give better stability and more grip.
We've also got carbon ceramic brakes as denoted by the yellow callipers.
We've got a very tricky engine mounting system in here which will stiffen itself up depending on how you're driving.
And we've got this monstrous rear wing.
It gives double the downforce of a standard car.
The whole dynamic of the car is very much like a race car.
The steering is sharper, the engine revs beautifully all the way to 8,500 revs.
I mean, listen how responsive it is.
It's just like a race car.
I test at this track a lot in road cars and this corner's 125mph, and on the exit there's a little surface change.
Normally you just feel a ripple, but in this car I can feel the grip go down by what seems like 3-4%.
A subtle change.
Over 100mph round corners and I feel completely in control.
I've got that beautiful flat-six noise.
It's a proper bit of kit.
Proper bit of kit.
I love it! But even a normal GT3 is getting on for being as hardcore as you'd ever want a road car to be, so if your commute doesn't involve the Nurburgring, does the 20 grand's worth of race car modifications actually spoil it? Well, no, not really.
When you're not on one, it's it's actually very easy to control.
Almost docile.
The clutch is light, it's not too bouncy, the steering isn't overly heavy.
The gear change, yes, it is tight and it is mechanical but it's not obstructive or moody.
It's very well engineered.
The only way I'm gonna be stopping is when I run out of juice.
I'm loving this.
Usually racing-spec road cars are hard to justify.
Too track-focussed for normal drivers and too softly sprung for racers.
But the GT3 RS is different.
It's tame enough for any old Tom, Dick or Barry to control, but put it on a race track Well, it feels like it deserves a place Le Mans.
Anyone want to share the driving? The magnificent GT3 RS has inspired us to give away one of our favourite ever Porsches for this week's competition.
This 1999 Boxster was hand-picked by our experts.
Just imagine your very own Porsche could be sitting on the driveway.
And to make life even sweeter, we'll also throw in £1,000 towards your insurance, courtesy of elephant.
co.
uk It doesn't stop there.
We've also got places for you and a guest at the exclusive You Drive It Porsche course at Silverstone, including a chance to drive your own car on the track, laps in a 911 and some hints and tips from VBH.
We're also giving away a 40-inch LCD TV, an Xbox and a Superstars Next Challenge driving game, plus our favourite five car games and a Garmin sat-nav.
And a Pure Highway in-car DAB radio and a SuperTooth Buddy hands-free kit.
For your chance to win, just answer the following question correctly: Now it's time for Need To Know.
The part of the show where we tell you the absolute bare essentials about a brand-new car.
And this time bare essentials is the operative term because Vickiwill get naked.
Promise.
The Fifth Gear lock-up.
Our base for revealing what's good and bad about the newest cars on sale.
This time the new Mercedes Benz E-Class convertible.
Prices start from around £34,000 and Mercedes calls it the future of open-top motoring, which is a pretty bold claim.
So what's behind it, then? Mostly because of a clever bit of technology which comes as standard called the Air Cap.
It's basically a spoiler that rises up six centimetres out of the top of the windscreen.
It might look odd, but it makes a big difference.
Allow me to demonstrate.
With the Air Cap down I can't exactly enjoy these Sunday papers and my hair is going all over the place.
So, with it up There is a marked improvement.
It may not look dramatically different, but I can assure you there is less turbulence and it becomes noticeably quieter.
But with it down again, I am truly ruffled.
Combined with Mercedes' Air Scarf system, where hot air is funnelled out of head restraints around your neck, its claimed this is one cabriolet that will keep you warm in all seasons, no matter how extreme the weather.
I think that's probably true.
The car will seat four people but it won't swallow four people's luggage because the roof mechanism seriously compromises the boot space.
Now, over here I have got 540 litres of crew gear.
Now, that will fit into an E-Class saloon, but how much of it will fit into an E-Class convertible? Now, being a lady I don't lift things myself, so boys, if you could come and put it in for me I'll just hold the camera.
It can't be that difficult.
Right, easy does it.
Thank you very much.
I want to see sweat, yeah? Gosh, this is quite heavy.
How's it doing? Not good.
No, not good at all.
This is easy, Nick.
I don't know what you always whinge at.
Oh, oh, there we go.
Close-up of the boot.
Close up of my slackers.
Well done, chaps.
I'll give it back to you.
There we go.
Back to normal now.
So, there we go.
Even though this car has got one of life's bigger cabriolet boots, it will only take half that of what the E-Class Saloon will.
So the Mercedes Benz E-Class Convertible This is what you need to know.
It's impressively refined, but it's at least a boot space away from being perfect.
Still to come, we combine forces with Ross Noble and Charlie Boorman for an off-road adventure.
Welcome back to Fifth Gear, where later in the show we'll be playing with the bikes and buggies in the mud and weeds.
But first, here's Jonny, who's been testing the new Audi A8 in the South of France.
Double glazing, mood lighting four-zone climate control, massaging seats.
The brand new Audi A8 is a soft robe and slippers away from being a five-star spa resort.
Tick the right options and it'll probably do a back, sack and crack.
But despite having a cockpit bathed in luxury, this genre of car could be doomed, because flagship saloons are no longer the only way to spend a fortune on style, on presence and on technology.
So is the A8 good enough to prove that executive saloons aren't dead? I'm driving the biggest diesel that Audi sell in the A8, which is the 4.
2-litre, 345bhp V8 TDi.
It'll crack 0-62 in 5.
5 seconds.
Not only that, it will do it with over 37mpg.
Frugality alone isn't a reason to hand across the Christmas bonus.
So, does the tech keep it from death's door? Okay, this is where things seem much healthier.
If we go into the sat-nav, it's linked to Google Maps, using GPS, either through an optional module in the car or through your SIM card on your mobile phone.
The 3D maps on this screen make a TomTom look like a Game Boy and if somewhere you want to go isn't stored on this sat-nav's memory, you can use Google's gigantic list of locations and beam it into the car's dash.
And because effectively it can see further down the road than you can, it'll swivel the headlamps, it'll adjust the gears, and it'll change the adaptive cruise control before you've even reached that corner or that junction.
Its just like KITT but without Hasselhoff.
But the coolest bit of technology has to be the new MMI interface.
Instead of keying in destinations or phone book entries with knobs or buttons, you can just write it down.
Right, say you want to go and buy some pheasant.
What we do, we go into our little nav, click 'online destinations'.
We're looking for a Google search in the immediate vicinity and then we have to type in what we want.
What do we want? We want pheasant, where do we get it? Butchers.
What I'm doing is I'm using my finger, my actual finger, to not type but actually write into this sort of two-inch squared little pad.
And it'll recognise it and it will say it back to me.
'T.
' The system is surprisingly intuitive.
It's like an extensive of the existing MMI, which is very good.
Unless, of course, you happen to be 90% of the population who are awkward so and so's and are right-handed.
This could be a problem on a right-hand drive car.
I, on the other hand, am one of the weird few.
Nevertheless, the technology is a genuine reason to buy the A8 over anything else.
Its MMI computer interface is easier to use than rival systems and it comes loaded with geeky goodies, like solar panels in the sunroof which can recharge the car's battery.
The driving experience needs to be good too.
Plusher than a cheaper car and leaner than an SUV.
It's comfortable and it's definitely not a wallowing beast.
You forget how big this car is, and that's because of the 4x4 Quattro.
You don't have 4x4 in any other car in this segment.
It just pulls.
It pulls like a buffalo.
Prices start at 55 grand, although pricey optional extras can soon accelerate that closer to 90.
The A8 has proved that it's a more accomplished passenger and chauffeur vehicle than a BMW 7, and it's got enough comfort modes to match that of an S-Class Mercedes.
However, I'm not the only one who thinks it's just an A4 that's been put through a photocopier at 150%.
And that's a big problem.
It just doesn't look as distinctive and confident as it really should.
If subtly is what you're after then great, but if you like your car's looks to reflect the price tag, then it's not.
Here's a quick reminder that the Fifth Gear website is laden with video.
Not only all of our previous features, so you can catch up, but also exclusive new content on web TV.
Check it out at five.
tv/fifthgear And so to one of our more fun tests.
With stand-up comic and mad-keen biker Ross Noble, and professional adventurer Charlie Boorman.
So then it goeslike that.
We're in the Brecon Beacons at the ultimate off-road playground to go head-to-head in the best off-road boys' toys.
There's a pair of £30,000 Rage Buggies, which can clock 60 in a supercar-style three seconds, and a couple of BMW GS Adventures, the toughest off-road bikes on the planet.
Right, we've been split into two teams.
I'm with the Northern with my mate Ross Noble.
Hello.
Whilst representing the South will be myself and Charles 'Round the World' Boorman.
Hello.
Now, we're going head-to-head in events with our bikes and buggies.
Quite obviously, we will win.
Of course.
But they're gonna be quite slow cos they've got to put their cravats on and smoke long cigarettes.
Challenge one.
It's a driving challenge.
One lap of this world rally stage.
The Southern shandy-drinkers are gonna go first.
Are you all happy in there Charlie? No.
I've seen him on telly and he's a complete nutter.
I'm a bit nervous actually, I must say.
Three, two, one The buggy's Honda Fireblade engine produces 150hp.
Oh, he's missed a gear.
Oh, my God! And at just over 400 kilos, will top 100mph.
It's amazing, the skill.
It's just incredible! Oh, hello! I tell you, I think we might be in here cos it's a bit messy.
I'd get out the way, lads, cos it's Tiff.
Your lap time was 41.
9 seconds.
Sounds good to me.
Happily get the stopwatch out and probably have a G&T while we're waiting.
And so to the Northern Scruffians trying to beat a wonderful 41.
9 seconds.
And Ross, you don't look very comfortable in there.
I'm not.
I don't know if I've got enough arm room for praying.
Three, two, one Go, go, go! Hard left, hard left, hard left! No chance.
They've messed up the first corner already anyway.
The buggy's handling is amazing.
With rear-wheel drive and double wishbone suspension, you can flick it around and hold a drift like a proper rally car.
I can hear him shouting from here.
I reckoned we'd easily beat their time of 41.
9.
That's the walk of shame.
He's not happy.
I just lost my mind there.
As soon as we set off I just decided that I was a world rally co-driver, and I wasn't even shouting the right way.
I was just going "hard left, easy right!" So the Northern Scruff brothers' time was? 40.
2.
Well done, sir.
Challenge two is for the motorcycle riders in our teams.
Ross and Charlie have to tackle this taxing obstacle course with as few feet down as possible.
Actually, Ross is a very good rider.
He's been riding for years and he's pretty handy on the track, he's pretty handy off-road and you know Is that what you asked me to say? Yeah, that's great.
You missed off a bit off the end about he looks really sexy.
So how easy is a quarter of a ton bike to ride? What you have to realise is that Charlie did Dakar.
If you think about it, I did the Dakar Rally.
The hardest off-road rally.
I've got a slide show on my phone here I haven't.
The key is using the GS's low-down grunt to pop the front wheel in the air and float over the obstacle.
Oh, good lad.
I think even though he looks like he's struggling, he's doing a good job.
Tough for the Northerners, bit tough.
Hold on, listen, listen.
I think you'll find it's a lot harder than it looks.
Oh, you can just hear that, can't you? He's cream-crackered, your man.
Charlie, on the other hand, kept his momentum up and practically skipped round.
Win for the Southerners.
Not quite as smooth as Mr.
Boorman.
I shall give him that.
So it's 1-1, which means our final event is going to be the decider.
A two-lap relay race round our perilous hill-climb course.
Now, it's against the clock.
The riders in each team will go first followed by the car, and I think we'll ermwe'll grab the bull by the horns.
Er, yeah, might as well.
Show us how not to do it.
Go! Ross got a flying start to the first leg of our relay.
Oh, he's going for it, he's going for it.
Charlie can you be quicker than this? I hope so.
These latest GS's have 110hp, and when it comes to stopping on loose surfaces, you're glad of the antilock brakes.
That wasn't the slickest changeover so I had time to make up.
Oh, nice little hop there.
Oh, you'll never stop.
Has he crashed? So what was it? Time, time? All my lucky numbers: 55.
5.
Could the Southerners beat that? Go! Whoa, come on! Ah, it's all looking a bit tidy, isn't it? Oh, a little mistake! Their changeover was much better.
Now it was down to Tiff.
There's an old rally driver's saying: anyone can go fast uphill, but only men can go fast downhill.
It looked pretty manly to me.
But was it enough to beat 55.
5? Well? It's too dusty.
I can't see the time.
Well, hold on, let me blow it.
Okay, there we go.
And the Southern boys did it in 52.
8.
52.
8.
Good game, guys.
Mate, we was robbed.
I think I let the team down.
So we're gonna do it again now so we'll go in the buggies, you on the bikes, shall we? Yeah, good idea.
You go in the buggies, we'll go down the pub.
Next time on Fifth Gear, the brand-new Lexus LFA gets the Tiff treatment.
And Jonny gets an exclusive look inside the world's most advanced crash test lab.
And, finally, here's a reminder of our amazing competition to win that fantastic 1999 Porsche Boxster, £1,000 towards your insurance, courtesy of elephant.
co.
uk.
A You Drive at Porsche's Super car experience with VBH, and a load of driving goodies.
Lines close at midday on Thursday 15th July, and three days later for postal entries.
Good luck!
We're at the biggest off-road playground we know with Mr.
Ross Noble and Mr.
Charlie Boorman.
And the fastest boys' toys we could find.
We'll be racing these boys' toys in a four-versus-two-wheel challenge.
Plus, Vicki reveals if the latest Mercedes system for cabriolets stops you getting ruffled.
And Jonny tests some intriguing handwriting recognition technology in the new flagship Audi A8.
It's just like KITT.
So before we start playing with these boys' toys do you fancy seeing me in the Porsche 911 GT3 RS? What, another supercar that I should have driven? Yeah, don't worry about that.
Do you want to watch it? You'll love it.
Roll the tape.
Take an £82,000 Porsche 911 GT3.
Lop 25 kilos from its weight by fitting a plastic back window.
Featherlight bucket seats and a titanium exhaust.
Squeeze an extra 15hp from the 3.
8-litre engine.
Add a roll cage, remove the soundproofing, stitch in some silly door handles Porsche 911 GT3 RS, done.
Now, the cost for those modifications sees the price soaring to £105,000, but it has got 450hp and is easily the most track-focussed 911 you can buy.
Dirty.
Porsche have really pushed the boat out to make this car phenomenal to drive.
Couple of things they've done: the front track has been increased by one inch, the rear track by two inches.
That's gonna give better stability and more grip.
We've also got carbon ceramic brakes as denoted by the yellow callipers.
We've got a very tricky engine mounting system in here which will stiffen itself up depending on how you're driving.
And we've got this monstrous rear wing.
It gives double the downforce of a standard car.
The whole dynamic of the car is very much like a race car.
The steering is sharper, the engine revs beautifully all the way to 8,500 revs.
I mean, listen how responsive it is.
It's just like a race car.
I test at this track a lot in road cars and this corner's 125mph, and on the exit there's a little surface change.
Normally you just feel a ripple, but in this car I can feel the grip go down by what seems like 3-4%.
A subtle change.
Over 100mph round corners and I feel completely in control.
I've got that beautiful flat-six noise.
It's a proper bit of kit.
Proper bit of kit.
I love it! But even a normal GT3 is getting on for being as hardcore as you'd ever want a road car to be, so if your commute doesn't involve the Nurburgring, does the 20 grand's worth of race car modifications actually spoil it? Well, no, not really.
When you're not on one, it's it's actually very easy to control.
Almost docile.
The clutch is light, it's not too bouncy, the steering isn't overly heavy.
The gear change, yes, it is tight and it is mechanical but it's not obstructive or moody.
It's very well engineered.
The only way I'm gonna be stopping is when I run out of juice.
I'm loving this.
Usually racing-spec road cars are hard to justify.
Too track-focussed for normal drivers and too softly sprung for racers.
But the GT3 RS is different.
It's tame enough for any old Tom, Dick or Barry to control, but put it on a race track Well, it feels like it deserves a place Le Mans.
Anyone want to share the driving? The magnificent GT3 RS has inspired us to give away one of our favourite ever Porsches for this week's competition.
This 1999 Boxster was hand-picked by our experts.
Just imagine your very own Porsche could be sitting on the driveway.
And to make life even sweeter, we'll also throw in £1,000 towards your insurance, courtesy of elephant.
co.
uk It doesn't stop there.
We've also got places for you and a guest at the exclusive You Drive It Porsche course at Silverstone, including a chance to drive your own car on the track, laps in a 911 and some hints and tips from VBH.
We're also giving away a 40-inch LCD TV, an Xbox and a Superstars Next Challenge driving game, plus our favourite five car games and a Garmin sat-nav.
And a Pure Highway in-car DAB radio and a SuperTooth Buddy hands-free kit.
For your chance to win, just answer the following question correctly: Now it's time for Need To Know.
The part of the show where we tell you the absolute bare essentials about a brand-new car.
And this time bare essentials is the operative term because Vickiwill get naked.
Promise.
The Fifth Gear lock-up.
Our base for revealing what's good and bad about the newest cars on sale.
This time the new Mercedes Benz E-Class convertible.
Prices start from around £34,000 and Mercedes calls it the future of open-top motoring, which is a pretty bold claim.
So what's behind it, then? Mostly because of a clever bit of technology which comes as standard called the Air Cap.
It's basically a spoiler that rises up six centimetres out of the top of the windscreen.
It might look odd, but it makes a big difference.
Allow me to demonstrate.
With the Air Cap down I can't exactly enjoy these Sunday papers and my hair is going all over the place.
So, with it up There is a marked improvement.
It may not look dramatically different, but I can assure you there is less turbulence and it becomes noticeably quieter.
But with it down again, I am truly ruffled.
Combined with Mercedes' Air Scarf system, where hot air is funnelled out of head restraints around your neck, its claimed this is one cabriolet that will keep you warm in all seasons, no matter how extreme the weather.
I think that's probably true.
The car will seat four people but it won't swallow four people's luggage because the roof mechanism seriously compromises the boot space.
Now, over here I have got 540 litres of crew gear.
Now, that will fit into an E-Class saloon, but how much of it will fit into an E-Class convertible? Now, being a lady I don't lift things myself, so boys, if you could come and put it in for me I'll just hold the camera.
It can't be that difficult.
Right, easy does it.
Thank you very much.
I want to see sweat, yeah? Gosh, this is quite heavy.
How's it doing? Not good.
No, not good at all.
This is easy, Nick.
I don't know what you always whinge at.
Oh, oh, there we go.
Close-up of the boot.
Close up of my slackers.
Well done, chaps.
I'll give it back to you.
There we go.
Back to normal now.
So, there we go.
Even though this car has got one of life's bigger cabriolet boots, it will only take half that of what the E-Class Saloon will.
So the Mercedes Benz E-Class Convertible This is what you need to know.
It's impressively refined, but it's at least a boot space away from being perfect.
Still to come, we combine forces with Ross Noble and Charlie Boorman for an off-road adventure.
Welcome back to Fifth Gear, where later in the show we'll be playing with the bikes and buggies in the mud and weeds.
But first, here's Jonny, who's been testing the new Audi A8 in the South of France.
Double glazing, mood lighting four-zone climate control, massaging seats.
The brand new Audi A8 is a soft robe and slippers away from being a five-star spa resort.
Tick the right options and it'll probably do a back, sack and crack.
But despite having a cockpit bathed in luxury, this genre of car could be doomed, because flagship saloons are no longer the only way to spend a fortune on style, on presence and on technology.
So is the A8 good enough to prove that executive saloons aren't dead? I'm driving the biggest diesel that Audi sell in the A8, which is the 4.
2-litre, 345bhp V8 TDi.
It'll crack 0-62 in 5.
5 seconds.
Not only that, it will do it with over 37mpg.
Frugality alone isn't a reason to hand across the Christmas bonus.
So, does the tech keep it from death's door? Okay, this is where things seem much healthier.
If we go into the sat-nav, it's linked to Google Maps, using GPS, either through an optional module in the car or through your SIM card on your mobile phone.
The 3D maps on this screen make a TomTom look like a Game Boy and if somewhere you want to go isn't stored on this sat-nav's memory, you can use Google's gigantic list of locations and beam it into the car's dash.
And because effectively it can see further down the road than you can, it'll swivel the headlamps, it'll adjust the gears, and it'll change the adaptive cruise control before you've even reached that corner or that junction.
Its just like KITT but without Hasselhoff.
But the coolest bit of technology has to be the new MMI interface.
Instead of keying in destinations or phone book entries with knobs or buttons, you can just write it down.
Right, say you want to go and buy some pheasant.
What we do, we go into our little nav, click 'online destinations'.
We're looking for a Google search in the immediate vicinity and then we have to type in what we want.
What do we want? We want pheasant, where do we get it? Butchers.
What I'm doing is I'm using my finger, my actual finger, to not type but actually write into this sort of two-inch squared little pad.
And it'll recognise it and it will say it back to me.
'T.
' The system is surprisingly intuitive.
It's like an extensive of the existing MMI, which is very good.
Unless, of course, you happen to be 90% of the population who are awkward so and so's and are right-handed.
This could be a problem on a right-hand drive car.
I, on the other hand, am one of the weird few.
Nevertheless, the technology is a genuine reason to buy the A8 over anything else.
Its MMI computer interface is easier to use than rival systems and it comes loaded with geeky goodies, like solar panels in the sunroof which can recharge the car's battery.
The driving experience needs to be good too.
Plusher than a cheaper car and leaner than an SUV.
It's comfortable and it's definitely not a wallowing beast.
You forget how big this car is, and that's because of the 4x4 Quattro.
You don't have 4x4 in any other car in this segment.
It just pulls.
It pulls like a buffalo.
Prices start at 55 grand, although pricey optional extras can soon accelerate that closer to 90.
The A8 has proved that it's a more accomplished passenger and chauffeur vehicle than a BMW 7, and it's got enough comfort modes to match that of an S-Class Mercedes.
However, I'm not the only one who thinks it's just an A4 that's been put through a photocopier at 150%.
And that's a big problem.
It just doesn't look as distinctive and confident as it really should.
If subtly is what you're after then great, but if you like your car's looks to reflect the price tag, then it's not.
Here's a quick reminder that the Fifth Gear website is laden with video.
Not only all of our previous features, so you can catch up, but also exclusive new content on web TV.
Check it out at five.
tv/fifthgear And so to one of our more fun tests.
With stand-up comic and mad-keen biker Ross Noble, and professional adventurer Charlie Boorman.
So then it goeslike that.
We're in the Brecon Beacons at the ultimate off-road playground to go head-to-head in the best off-road boys' toys.
There's a pair of £30,000 Rage Buggies, which can clock 60 in a supercar-style three seconds, and a couple of BMW GS Adventures, the toughest off-road bikes on the planet.
Right, we've been split into two teams.
I'm with the Northern with my mate Ross Noble.
Hello.
Whilst representing the South will be myself and Charles 'Round the World' Boorman.
Hello.
Now, we're going head-to-head in events with our bikes and buggies.
Quite obviously, we will win.
Of course.
But they're gonna be quite slow cos they've got to put their cravats on and smoke long cigarettes.
Challenge one.
It's a driving challenge.
One lap of this world rally stage.
The Southern shandy-drinkers are gonna go first.
Are you all happy in there Charlie? No.
I've seen him on telly and he's a complete nutter.
I'm a bit nervous actually, I must say.
Three, two, one The buggy's Honda Fireblade engine produces 150hp.
Oh, he's missed a gear.
Oh, my God! And at just over 400 kilos, will top 100mph.
It's amazing, the skill.
It's just incredible! Oh, hello! I tell you, I think we might be in here cos it's a bit messy.
I'd get out the way, lads, cos it's Tiff.
Your lap time was 41.
9 seconds.
Sounds good to me.
Happily get the stopwatch out and probably have a G&T while we're waiting.
And so to the Northern Scruffians trying to beat a wonderful 41.
9 seconds.
And Ross, you don't look very comfortable in there.
I'm not.
I don't know if I've got enough arm room for praying.
Three, two, one Go, go, go! Hard left, hard left, hard left! No chance.
They've messed up the first corner already anyway.
The buggy's handling is amazing.
With rear-wheel drive and double wishbone suspension, you can flick it around and hold a drift like a proper rally car.
I can hear him shouting from here.
I reckoned we'd easily beat their time of 41.
9.
That's the walk of shame.
He's not happy.
I just lost my mind there.
As soon as we set off I just decided that I was a world rally co-driver, and I wasn't even shouting the right way.
I was just going "hard left, easy right!" So the Northern Scruff brothers' time was? 40.
2.
Well done, sir.
Challenge two is for the motorcycle riders in our teams.
Ross and Charlie have to tackle this taxing obstacle course with as few feet down as possible.
Actually, Ross is a very good rider.
He's been riding for years and he's pretty handy on the track, he's pretty handy off-road and you know Is that what you asked me to say? Yeah, that's great.
You missed off a bit off the end about he looks really sexy.
So how easy is a quarter of a ton bike to ride? What you have to realise is that Charlie did Dakar.
If you think about it, I did the Dakar Rally.
The hardest off-road rally.
I've got a slide show on my phone here I haven't.
The key is using the GS's low-down grunt to pop the front wheel in the air and float over the obstacle.
Oh, good lad.
I think even though he looks like he's struggling, he's doing a good job.
Tough for the Northerners, bit tough.
Hold on, listen, listen.
I think you'll find it's a lot harder than it looks.
Oh, you can just hear that, can't you? He's cream-crackered, your man.
Charlie, on the other hand, kept his momentum up and practically skipped round.
Win for the Southerners.
Not quite as smooth as Mr.
Boorman.
I shall give him that.
So it's 1-1, which means our final event is going to be the decider.
A two-lap relay race round our perilous hill-climb course.
Now, it's against the clock.
The riders in each team will go first followed by the car, and I think we'll ermwe'll grab the bull by the horns.
Er, yeah, might as well.
Show us how not to do it.
Go! Ross got a flying start to the first leg of our relay.
Oh, he's going for it, he's going for it.
Charlie can you be quicker than this? I hope so.
These latest GS's have 110hp, and when it comes to stopping on loose surfaces, you're glad of the antilock brakes.
That wasn't the slickest changeover so I had time to make up.
Oh, nice little hop there.
Oh, you'll never stop.
Has he crashed? So what was it? Time, time? All my lucky numbers: 55.
5.
Could the Southerners beat that? Go! Whoa, come on! Ah, it's all looking a bit tidy, isn't it? Oh, a little mistake! Their changeover was much better.
Now it was down to Tiff.
There's an old rally driver's saying: anyone can go fast uphill, but only men can go fast downhill.
It looked pretty manly to me.
But was it enough to beat 55.
5? Well? It's too dusty.
I can't see the time.
Well, hold on, let me blow it.
Okay, there we go.
And the Southern boys did it in 52.
8.
52.
8.
Good game, guys.
Mate, we was robbed.
I think I let the team down.
So we're gonna do it again now so we'll go in the buggies, you on the bikes, shall we? Yeah, good idea.
You go in the buggies, we'll go down the pub.
Next time on Fifth Gear, the brand-new Lexus LFA gets the Tiff treatment.
And Jonny gets an exclusive look inside the world's most advanced crash test lab.
And, finally, here's a reminder of our amazing competition to win that fantastic 1999 Porsche Boxster, £1,000 towards your insurance, courtesy of elephant.
co.
uk.
A You Drive at Porsche's Super car experience with VBH, and a load of driving goodies.
Lines close at midday on Thursday 15th July, and three days later for postal entries.
Good luck!