8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e07 Episode Script
Tom Allen, Scarlett Moffatt, Harriet Kemsley, Wes Nelson, Rosie Jones
This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats We've got Scarlett fever.
It's Scarlett Moffat.
She's a stand-up lady.
It's Harriet Kemsley.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight Show her the funny.
It's Rosie Jones.
Wes, we can.
It's Wes Nelson.
And Tom Allen, their guest team captain.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats - a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, one in four Americans didn't read a book last year? Probably because they were too busy reading other stuff, like menus.
LAUGHTER The average person sleeps 6.
8 hours a night.
The myth was people slept for eight hours a night.
But we can put that to bed, for 6.
8 hours.
LAUGHTER Nearly a fifth of cat owners get up before 6am to feed their cats.
Wow, talk about pussy whipped.
LAUGHTER And 27% of people describe the feeling of cleaning their inbox as amazing.
Little tip, if you are cleaning your inbox, make sure you do it front to back.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round tonight.
It's our panellists' job to guess the nation's most talked about TV moments of the last year.
Tom's team, what television shows do you think people chatted about in the last year? The World Cup.
I bloody loved it.
I missed it.
You missed it, Wes? What?! You missed it? Yeah, cos you was getting with Megan on Love Island.
And, you know, Megan is fit, but she's not 'England beating Colombia on penalties' fit.
LAUGHTER I mean, France won in the end.
As you can imagine, they were very civilised, bottle of champagne.
Maybe smoke a Gauloise.
Lovely.
Right? But in the UK, what would we have done? What would we have done? Get pissed, throw beer over everybody, jump on an ambulance and take your clothes off.
It's disgusting.
LAUGHTER You're being slightly I mean, you know, you're being a little bit of a killjoy there.
It brought a lot of people a lot of joy.
Take a look at how happy people were.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's a hell of a money shot, isn't it? Well done.
That's how Tom reacts when TM Lewin bring out a new line of pocket squares.
LAUGHTER What's funny about it, it was like one of the best we've done in the tournament for years and years We done quite well, didn't we? Yeah.
LAUGHTER I lost my marbles, basically.
I was just It was a heat wave, we were winning in the World Cup, I was on about four barbecues a day.
LAUGHTER I think, with the heat I think dehydration and drinking and all that, like, barbecue food goes to people's heads.
Also just seeing the grass yellow just sent me over the It was so yellow.
LAUGHTER It was like a weird cheese dream, the World Cup, for me.
LAUGHTER Harriet, did you watch any of the World Cup? No, but I'm just really glad that they finally finished football.
LAUGHTER I actually I did find it quite educational.
Like, I learned that Belgium was a country.
LAUGHTER I just thought it was a type of chocolate.
LAUGHTER You know, like, is caramel a country? What about a Brazil nut? Yeah, is it a country or not? Who knows? We don't know.
We do know.
LAUGHTER We all know.
I got so overwhelmed by it, I watched the Colombia game when we won on penalties, and I watched that in a snooker hall.
And I jumped up in the air and I fell to my knees, cried and kissed the floor.
Of a snooker hall.
LAUGHTER Rosie, did you get World Cup fever? Yeah, and I did, and I loved going out because, for four weeks, everyone was arseholes.
LAUGHTER So I fit in.
LAUGHTER The nights out afterwards, everyone just lost their minds on nights out.
I was watching it in south-east London and all the people out there I mean, I know Colombia lost the match, but I think their economy won.
LAUGHTER Not from me.
But there were a lot of people enjoying themselves.
I don't like to think about you on cocaine.
What would happen? All that chewing, you'd go through a tree.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, shall we have a look and see whether the World Cup is up there? Yes, it's England's World Cup campaign.
As a keen football fan, I enjoyed last summer's World Cup so much I can't wait for this year's.
LAUGHTER Rob's team, what TV moments do you think people have been talking about? Well, there was a huge royal wedding.
Harry and Meghan.
I like Meghan, I've got a lot of time for Meghan.
You know, cos she's come from a bit of a rough family, didn't she? She was on telly for a little bit, she's had a divorce.
In this country, she'd end up on Celebs Go Dating LAUGHTER .
.
but American, she's got that confidence and started coming over and started banging a prince.
I mean, I know he's a ginger one but he still a prince.
LAUGHTER Did you hear about their courtship as well? Apparently, on the third date, he asked her to go camping in Botswana.
I mean, firstly, who goes on three dates? LAUGHTER Secondly, all my dates are camp.
LAUGHTER And as well, on one third date, really, I just want to be taken to Carluccio's, and not for the set menu.
Shall we have a look at the moment everyone was waiting for, the kiss? It was kind of the most romantic thing that happened.
The bride looking radiant.
And there is the kiss that everyone was hoping for and waiting for.
I mean, she's a hell of an actress, isn't she? LAUGHTER That's not the one we were hoping for.
That's the one we got but we all wanted that Both going for it.
LAUGHTER, GROANING Did you hear, as well, apparently viewing figures were down? And I sort of thought, well, probably they need to take a leaf out of Netflix's book.
Break it into six episodes, put some drag queens and a vegan, and a serial killer in it LAUGHTER .
.
and then people will watch.
LAUGHTER Did you get off with adrag queen? Yeah.
LAUGHTER It was New Year's Eve and I'd had a lot of Sambucas.
LAUGHTER I was running out of choices and I thought "Fuck it.
" LAUGHTER I actually went to the wedding.
What? What? So, you were at the wedding, were you? Yeah, not Let's have a look at you at the wedding.
Just coming up now.
This is so exciting.
Like, the real-life Meghan is driving up.
She's going to be driving past very shortly.
CHEERING You can hear the crowd going now.
She's about to drive past, can't wait to see a glimpse.
Oh, wow, she looks amazing.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Have you.
? Can I ask .
.
Scarlett, have you kept in touch with her? LAUGHTER It was like you were commentating on a bank job from the '40s.
"Zoom!" LAUGHTER Wes, did you watch it? I did, I think it's an amazing thing as well.
I think to see two cultures come together, it's an amazing sort of Yeah.
What a lovely sentiment for a bloke who spaffed all over a villa in Spain.
LAUGHTER Rosie, what do you think? So, coming into it, I was like, "No, it's shit, "I am not watching it, "I'm going to go out, I'm going to have a pizza," and I got up and I put my telly on, and that was it.
Crying.
And I was like, "This is the best day of my life.
"Oh, my God.
Diana should be here to see this.
" I can't believe she didn't go.
LAUGHTER It's so sad, cos the Queen has this protocol where it's like no-one is allowed to approach her, she has to approach them, but I just really hope that someone's told the Queen that, otherwise she's going to be so lonely.
She's like, "No-one's even said hi.
" LAUGHTER I always find t strange as well, the only sort of normal people the royals ever meet are those ones who, like, camp outside hospitals and stuff, and cathedrals.
You think, no wonder they want to surround themselves with guards all the time when they're like, "Oh, look, here's another one dressed in a Union Jack flag suit "with a Princess Diana tray stapled to his head.
" LAUGHTER I'd think, "Oh, I'll just say in the palace all the time.
" LAUGHTER Wes, do you go to a lot of weddings? I know you're involved in a lot of love on an island.
I haven't.
I haven't.
We all seem to break up after six months, so there's not many wedding bells, but I do like weddings.
Mainly the afters, the boozy bit.
That's the best part.
Really, Wes? Do you booze? Oh! Well, it was my 21st birthday two days ago, so I've been on a birth week celebration, absolutely wrote myself off.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Wes.
CHEERING So, who did you celebrate with? I celebrated with all my friends from home, so I've barely seen them Your friends from home? From, like, Stoke.
But you were on Love Island and then you went on the ice skating show.
Yeah.
But you've still got your old friends? LAUGHTER Am I doing this all wrong? No, no, you have to say goodbye to them forever.
LAUGHTER Was it this one I was at the other one where they moved home because sometimes, with royal weddings, they move the homeless people on because they don't want them to be pictured.
Yeah, but, to be fair, if I've just spent 15 grand on a wedding, I'd want to move them along as well.
"You're in the photo here, mate.
" You've change, Rob, you've changed.
That isn't your persona.
You're a lovable cockney lad.
You can't be like, "Fuck off, you tramps.
" LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Harry and Meghan's wedding.
Meghan Markle is an actress.
Her most impressive role to date is playing a super-fit American TV star who's genuinely got the hots for a ginger kid.
LAUGHTER Harry gave Meghan an engagement ring featuring diamonds that had belonged to his mother, Princess Diana.
It served both as a fitting tribute to his mother and a constant reminder to Meghan of what could happen if she ever steps out of line.
AUDIENCE GASPS, LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the top TV moments of the last year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Scarlett, what do you think? Doctor Who.
What about Doctor Who? Well What about it? Do I have to explain? It was the first ever female Doctor.
We got a Barbie Doctor Who and everything.
It was proper girl power.
Sorry, a Barbie Doctor Who was the good bit about there being a female Doctor Who? Well, yeah, because Barbie is every occupation that a woman can do.
So, now we've got Barbie pilots and, like, Barbie everything.
And now you can be a Barbie Doctor Who.
Yeah, but Barbie's a bad role model, because she's, like, really skinny.
I think, unless you're going to give her, like, a normal body, then I think the least we can do is give Ken a massive dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Level the playing field, make boys insecure too.
So, let's take a look at the dramatic moment Jodie Whittaker took over as Doctor Who.
I let you go.
Oh, brilliant.
Did she crash the car straight away? No! I mean, that's definitely what it looks like happened.
The Doctor's now a woman.
"Oh, hang on, what does this do?" Bang! What kind of a role model is that?! I do like it, but I must say, the first time episode was a little unbelievable, because if you've been in a male body for so long, and you then become a woman, you wouldn't save the world, you'd be like, what's going on down here? So, you would have preferred a first episode for the doctor just wanked? Yeah.
Everyone's always saying, did you see Doctor Who? I think, I can't even see my own doctor, never mind Doctor pissing Who! You know, it's stupid to go, there shouldn't be a female Doctor.
The only time for you should have a preference over if it's a male or female doctor is if you've got something wrong with your dick or your bum hole.
Personally, I like an old geezer that's seen it all before.
I like an old man! Do you? Why?! Because I feel like he's got what I've got and he's seen it all before.
What, you got an old man dick? An old man's dick! I heard the It's so withered! Harriet, what do you think? All the old men are like, "Oh, it's really bad.
" One of the old doctors said, "Oh, it's bad they're getting rid of "all the male role models for young boys.
" It's just James Bond, Luke Skywalker, Frodo, Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, all the presidents, all the prime ministers apart from two.
There just aren't enough! What are the boys going to do?! Take Frodo out that list.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, I can tell you Jodie Whittaker becoming the first female Doctor Who is not up there, but I thought the new series of Doctor Who was brilliant.
It was just nice to see a northern girl in a phone box not getting fingered.
You can't say that! I just did.
I JUST did.
I just did! Right, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
What other television shows do you think people chatted about in the last year? Rob? OK, I mean, it's got to be Love Island, hasn't it? Wes was in Love Island.
What? Wes, why didn't you tell us?! I think this is the longest you've been on a TV show without banging someone, innit, Wes? Not true.
But have a look at Wes's incredibly confident introduction to the show.
If I was going to be emoji, I would be the aubergine, because I have a big wang.
I'm Wes.
I'm 20 years old, I'm from Staffordshire.
I'm a design engineer in the electrical and the nuclear industry.
I'd mark myself as a 9.
999 out of 10.
I'm pretty damn perfect.
Ohhh! That's probably the most cringy thing I've ever seen in my life.
Cringy? Cringing, yeah.
I liked all of it.
I like the bit when you talked about how big your wang was.
Because I'm on TV a lot, and I never really mention Little Jimmy.
You never mention it? It's never come up.
How was your experience on Love Island? No, it was so good.
It was probably the best thing I've ever done.
As a young lad, I think everyone wants to go on Love Island.
I know I always did! There's no gay dudes on Love Island.
What's going on? There might be next year.
Ohhh! Prime contender right here! I'll give you the contract to sign.
I'll be keeping my suit on.
I'd like to go on it, but they're really discriminatory.
Like, they won't let me go on it just cos I've got a husband.
I would like to see a version of Love Island for normal people.
Just for normal body shapes.
And I'd call it Love Handle Island.
OK.
Love Island has some fun challenges.
Take a look at these raucous scenes.
I didn't think it was possible to fancy Wes any more than I already did.
Oh, my god! THEY SCREAM Where's mine? I mean Oh, my goodness.
Sexy.
What sort of a firefighter has a Hi-Viz just round their neck? I'm sorry, Wes.
I shan't be buying your calendar.
He's joking.
He will.
Wes, when you're on air, and you're having sex with someone on there, right? And you know that everyone at home is watching, does it not go into your mind that your mum's going to see this? No, it was To be fair, my mum was all right with it, cos obviously, you don't see everything, and I imagine she was hiding behind a pillow when any bits were happening.
Yeah.
No, she was super proud of us.
It was a good Super proud? She said, some great performances "My boy has smashed the back doors in, there.
"That's incredible work.
" "Oh, have you seen my Wes? He's so good at shagging, isn't he?" "Oh, that wang! Oh!" "She could barely walk down to the pool the next morning!" It's a cultural phenomenon.
There's a lot of language that goes along with it.
Maybe you could translate for us.
Could you explain me The Do Bits Society? Yeah, so, when people didn't really want to talk about what they'd done on the night before, and maybe some people didn't know, I created a little system, a society, that people could explain what they did without going into too much detail.
So, there's level one, two and three.
OK.
Level Three Bits, you've got any over-cotton touching.
So, that's Over cotton?! What?! So, that's like spooning.
It could be anything.
It could be just fumbling.
Then, Level Two Level Two.
Anything but sex, essentially.
Anything but sex is Level Two.
So, that's under cotton? Anything butt sex? And Level One? Level One is full-blown The full shebang.
Full-blown? That's it.
Blown is after butt sex? Wes! So, there's three levels? There's three levels, yeah.
What is salty? A salty argument is getting bitter.
Oh.
Yeah.
Salty and bitter? Yeah.
Why wouldn't you just say bitter? But you couldn't say bitter, because it sounds like Do Bits.
What that all about, Do Bits? The Do Bits Society.
Cos my mum always says, "I'm going into town, I've got to do some bits.
" And it's really made me LAUGHTER That only happens up north in phone boxes, no? Why does everyone keep looking at me when they're talking about getting fingered in phone boxes?! That's never happened! Sorry, you've never been fingered in a phone box? No! That's never happened! Have you ever kissed someone in a phone box? No I'm not being funny, I'm only 28.
Like, I've had a mobile phone since I was 12.
Like I've not been in phone boxes! I've never needed to go into a phone box! What is this?! I can tell you Love Island is not one of the most talked about things, but if you haven't seen Love Island, it's basically the finger-banging Olympics.
Are you joking us? What? Did they just cut to a shot of me when you said? What is happening here? It's so bad! That's Yeah.
Sorry, no.
That's incredibly rude that we cut to a shot of you.
Could the shot be of Scarlett all the way through that? The show's official sponsor was Superdrug, and what those drugs are for is treating super gonorrhoea.
OK, one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
OK, what do you think? It's got to be Dancing On Ice.
The GC.
And Wes was on it as well.
You were on Dancing On Ice.
I was on that.
And Torvill and Dean were on it.
I bet they were happy, weren't they? They've not had any work.
Imagine their agent getting that call.
"Torvill and Dean?! "Anyone got Torvill and Dean's number?" "Torvill are you with Dean? "Ring Harvester and tell them you can't do Sundays.
" How did you do on the show? I came second.
Yeah, I got to the final, and lost out at the end.
Hey, we all saw you come second on Love Island.
You really are a man for all seasons, aren't you, Wes? Dancing On Ice, Love Island.
What are you going to do next? Springwatch? Love it.
Lovely.
That's very nice.
The GC on Dancing On Ice.
Shall we take a look at her in action? Yeah.
Graceful, beautiful MUSIC: It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion You know what I love? The thing I love about that is the fact that when she gets up it's kind of like, "Do you think anyone noticed? "Anyone see that? No, got away with it.
" I love her there.
I think she's class.
Amazing.
She's so funny.
I mean, reality TV gold.
I mean, she described herself as a diva.
And, I mean, it is true.
Whenever you think of diva, you think of, like, Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand .
.
Gemma Collins.
You know? It just fits.
But the thing is, I think to be a diva, you have to be talented.
If you're not talented, you're not a diva, you're just a twat.
It's true! I'm sorry.
The truth hurts.
The truth hurts.
Boring.
You were brilliant on it, by the way, Wes.
Thank you very much, mate.
Do you know what? Wes, honestly, me and all my friends went skating.
Cos we want to watch yous, and then I was like, I must admit, I was critiquing yous quite heavily, and I was like, "Oh, they keep falling over all the time.
"It's not that hard.
" And then I went skating! I had to have the snowman that you hold and skate.
Hats off to you, cos that is hard.
It's hard walking on blades.
Yeah, it's very hard.
Yes, and that's what ice-skating is, isn't it? Yeah! Would you do it? Would you do the show? I'd be scared, one that I smash my teeth, and two, I slice my finger off.
Cos I would be that person.
You're worried about smashing your teeth? Just take them out.
People like you on TV as well.
If you did that, it would be a real I don't know.
Especially cos you're saying you'd find it difficult, I think it would be a bit of a journey.
People love that.
Should I start and practice now, do you think? Pretend I'm really shit and then Yes.
"And Scarlett's been paired up with the little snowman!" Shall we treat ourselves to a look at Wes in action? Oh, let's.
This is him attempting something called the headbanger.
And I think he very nearly kills her.
MUSIC: Rewrite The Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya Oh, my god! I mean You want me to do that?! Huh? You want me to do that?! Behave! Don't worry, Scarlett.
If you get a head injury, you get on TV! Oh, yeah.
She parks where she likes.
You've got injuries as well, Wes.
You were just showing me.
Yeah, I popped the bone out in my hand during the headbanger.
Fingerbanger, more like, they should have called it.
Hey! I messed up my arm.
It went to me again! OK, well, I can tell you that Gemma Collins falling over on Dancing On Ice is not one of the most talked about things, but if you've never seen Dancing On Ice, the show takes 11 celebrities, and Wes, and teaches them to fall over to music.
All right, fingers on buzzers.
What else you think is one of the most talked about TV moments of the year? Theresa May dancing? Yeah, everybody sort of wentohh.
Does that mean we have to see it again? I mean, it's pretty No, please, no.
It was, like, last October.
My toes have only just uncurled.
It's SO bad.
It's like you think, oh, yeah, dancing, it's going to be bad.
It's worse than you remember.
MUSIC: Dancing Queen By Abba Scarlett says she's not that bad! Yeah.
Like, she's not that bad.
I know she looks a bit like a Thunderbird, but it's not that bad.
Hey, there's nothing the matter with looking a bit like a Thunderbird.
But it is sort of a strange choice to walk out to a band who are famous for winning Eurovision.
Yeah.
I mean, if anything, she should have been walking out to the Hokey Cokey.
In, out, in, out She should be a boxer.
The reach on her arms.
They're massive! Do you know what, I bet she'd be really good at putting fake tan on her back.
She'll need that.
She won't be able to go to Europe on her holidays soon.
She's got form as well.
She's got form.
She's got previous on the dancing.
Take a look.
I think it's the worst thing any white person has ever done in Africa.
That's what I think.
That's what I think! It is kind of like You know, she's not a great dancer, but I sort of think that's not really the issue.
Like, it wouldn't all be fine if, like, "Oh, she can do a great paso doble.
" Do you know what I mean? You don't say that about any other political leader.
"Say what you like about Robert Mugabe, "he is great with a macarena.
" I always feel a bit sorry for her, because she's always getting, like, the mickey taken out of her.
And then the whole thing of, the naughtiest thing you've ever done, she said she'd run through a field of wheat, or whatever.
But what you want her to say as the Prime Minister? "Oh, naughtiest thing I've ever done "Got drunk and I sucked off my best mate's husband.
" Happy now? Will you vote for me? Well, she only became leader after every other candidate dropped out.
It's like, if I became a Victoria's Secret model because all other women died.
Rosie, what did you make of Theresa May's moves? Oh, I was pretty sorry for her, because she's the Prime Minister.
We shouldn't be judging her on how she dances.
If we wanted a good dancer as PM, we should have, like, Michael Jackson.
And that, that would not be good.
I think you make a very good point.
That moonwalk, it turns out, everyone loved it in the '80s.
It was only sort of developed to sneak in and out of kids' bedrooms.
Well, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Theresa May dancing on stage during the Conservative Party Conference.
To be fair, politicians have a history of dancing.
Theresa May at the party conference, Ann Widdecombe on Strictly, and Tony Blair on the graves of Iraqi children.
I can tell you, at the end of that round, Rob, Harriet and Scarlett have one point, Tom, Wes and Rosie have two points! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Harriet, Scarlett, what do you like the look of? Oh! Wes! Oh, yes! You like the look of Wes? Well, who wouldn't? OK.
We've got a lovely photo of Wes with his top off.
AUDIENCE OOHS For God's sake! And one of Rosie.
Oh, do No, we don't.
LAUGHTER For a second there, Rosie, for a second there Oh, no! You've chosen Wes, here is your related question.
The thing is, I like going on a night out, and then, say if you get so pissed, you forget what you look like anyway, don't you? It doesn't really matter, does it? This feels like rock-bottom.
No, do you know what I mean This feels like you've been talking about this in a meeting.
No, no "I was once on television, I said I drank so much, "I forgot what I looked like.
"It was only cos there was a mirror at the back of the phone box" LAUGHTER Ohh! TOM: I think I'm uniquely placed to answer this question.
Because I'm in between a very fit young man and a drunk.
And Correct! Have you got a six pack, can I ask, Tom? Er, you can ask I mean, I don't understand, I mean, is it sexy, lots of muscly people? I always think it would be like having sex with a climbing wall.
You know, lots of sort of hard lumps to climb up, and then someone to abseil down your back, perhaps, I don't know.
I would describe myself as more squidgy, perhaps more like a stress doll.
Now, what kind of training do you do? A lot of kick boxing, and skipping, yeah.
Can we have a demo of your skipping? It's extraordinary, I've seen a video.
Come on, we'll have a look at your skipping.
It's worth seeing! Where do you want me to skip? Well, in the middle there.
Go on, then.
Skip there.
Skip for me, baby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoa! Wow! Still pretty good, still pretty good.
Rob? Shall I have a go? Yeah, Rob, have a go.
Rob's going to have a little go.
Rob is going to show you how it's meant to be done.
Yeah, yeah.
Rob, just, er Basically, like, I know how to skip.
He was just doing that, that's not really skip LAUGHTER Oh, straight out of the gate, Rob! I mean, this boy is built for comedy.
APPLAUSE There's different techniques.
Very impressive.
Did anyone else want to have a go? Yeah, I'll have a go, sure.
Try not to, er, try not to whack yourself on the face.
Is that the gist of it? Now I thought it was skipping like this.
LAUGHTER Hang on Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thank you.
Thank you.
Stop it, Jimmy, not in front of people.
JIMMY LAUGHS LOUDLY OK, so, would you give up drinking for a six pack? What do you think? Um, no, I don't think people would, would they? No.
What do you think? Well, I reckon they'd keep getting drunk.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, I can tell you I already have a six-pack, in much the same way as I have natural looking hair and all my own teeth.
When is your MOT? So, at the end of that round, one point for Rob's team, two points for Tom's team.
Now, before we carry on, time for a quick bonus round.
Rob, Tom, come and join me for Carrot in a Box! OK, the rules of Carrot in a Box are simple.
You both have a box, but only one box contains a carrot.
Rob, in a moment, I'm going to ask you to look in your box.
You will be able to see whether you've got a carrot or not.
Tom, you want a carrot I want a carrot.
You really want a carrot.
But there is only one carrot.
Rob, if you don't have the carrot, then you have to bluff Tom into giving you his box, but ultimately, Tom, it's your choice whether you keep your box or take his box.
Couldn't be easier.
Let's play Carrot in a Box.
So, I get to look.
Rob gets to look.
Yeah.
And then, you get to decide if you want to swap boxes.
Oh, my goodness.
Rob, with those teeth, and a carrot There's a carrot in my box and I'm not stopping.
I think you're double bluffing, Robert.
I don't know what that means, but carry on.
There's something a little bit crazed in your eyes.
It suggests you're lying.
you're not a natural liar, you are quite honest.
Yeah, I've just I really hurt my neck with that whip Mmm So, you say you've got a carrot in your box? Yeah.
What does it look like? It's orange with a bit of green, what do you think? So, your question is, what does the carrot look like?! And you're relying on the fact that he might be dumb enough not to know? OK.
It's just an orange dildo, sorry.
Well, now he REALLY wants it.
Is it sort of a short carrot, or is it a long carrot? Don't try and seduce him! Um, it's .
.
I'd say an average carrot.
Am I doing this right? No.
You keep on asking about the carrot, I don't know why you want a description of the carrot.
I'm trying to get in his mind So, is there a carrot in there? You get to decide.
Do you want that one or that one? Which box do you want? I think he's lying, I want this one.
Because look at his eyes.
He's lying.
OK.
Well, let's find out.
Take a look in your box, see if you've got the carrot.
No, I don't want to.
Well, if you haven't got a carrot, you're in trouble.
Ohhh! Whoo! OK, that means, Rob, you're the winner of Carrot in a Box, and you win the carrot! Yes! Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
The most annoying thing people brag about.
BUZZER Is it that they sort of brag but then they don't brag, like, people on Instagram who put pictures of themselves up with no clothes on.
When you can completely see their junk and stuff and they're like, "Oh, I'm so shy, "Oh, I'll probably take this down later.
" Take what down? You've hardly got anything on.
Basically, what did you want? You know, you've already done the damage.
We all feel jealous, and we all want to wank.
Most annoying thing? What you find annoying? Scarlet, what do you think? I'm going to sound really evil here, but, like, people brag about their babies.
You know what I mean? And it's like mundane things, it's like, oh, today he lifted up a spoon! And I'm like, I do that every day, but I'm don't brag about it.
Everyone thinks their kid's, like, a genius, "Oh, Tabatha, "she's only two, but she's doing puzzles for four-year-olds.
"She's a genius.
" Is she a genius though? Does that make you a genius? I never saw Stephen Hawking doing puzzles, did you? Most annoying thing people brag about? What do you find annoying, Wes? Holidays.
People brag about holidays.
Yeah being on They just take Instagram pictures of really blue water and really white sand all the time.
So you find people's Instagram photos of their holidays annoying.
But you appeared on Love Island Yeah.
.
.
which was a whole TV show where you are bragging about your holiday.
That's true.
I wasn't bragging, I was just there.
You weren't bragging? No.
Isn't it annoying when people brag about how successful they are and how they're on TV! Hiya! Hiya, mum! Is that annoying? What you find annoying? What do people brag about around your way, Rob? It depends where you are.
Don't it, Jimmy, what you're bragging about.
Go on.
You know, like, if you're in prison LAUGHTER .
.
like, just getting through Tuesday without an unwanted finger up your arse is a good day, innit? If you're in prison, or a phone box in the North? Harriet, what do you think? What do you get annoyed at? I think what it probably is, is everyone bragging about being a vegan.
I mean I'm a vegan, but I don't tell anyone about it.
Keep it quiet, yeah? So you're vegan, now, aren't you allergic to vegetables? Yeah.
And fruit? Yeah.
And nuts? Yeah, it is difficult being vegan.
What you eat? Herbs? If they're cooked.
I'm quite allergic to that carrot actually.
Oh are you? You keep that away, no, don't! OK, so most annoying thing people brag about? People are always bragging about their penis actually.
I met a bloke who was like, he said to me, my penis is actually too big.
I mean, women don't do that, do they? Like, oh, my vagina is so big? I don't know The smaller the better.
Well, that's News just in, it wasn't me that said the creepiest thing on the show! It was actually Rosie.
Any other guesses? House prices, that's annoying, when people buy a house or something and go, oh, bought it for 200 grand, now it's worth 400.
Are you selling it? No, well, it don't matter, then, does it? OK, so let's get some actual answers on this.
Most annoying thing people brag about.
Is it money? Earnings and their job? That is exactly right! Oh! Happy cries.
Yes, the most annoying thing people brag about is how much money they earn.
My girlfriend won the lottery the day she met me.
Well, not exactly, although she did get five digits and the thunderball.
SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER HIGH PITCHED BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round, and the end of the show, which means the final scores are, it's a dead heat, everyone's a winner! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
It's Scarlett Moffat.
She's a stand-up lady.
It's Harriet Kemsley.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight Show her the funny.
It's Rosie Jones.
Wes, we can.
It's Wes Nelson.
And Tom Allen, their guest team captain.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats - a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, one in four Americans didn't read a book last year? Probably because they were too busy reading other stuff, like menus.
LAUGHTER The average person sleeps 6.
8 hours a night.
The myth was people slept for eight hours a night.
But we can put that to bed, for 6.
8 hours.
LAUGHTER Nearly a fifth of cat owners get up before 6am to feed their cats.
Wow, talk about pussy whipped.
LAUGHTER And 27% of people describe the feeling of cleaning their inbox as amazing.
Little tip, if you are cleaning your inbox, make sure you do it front to back.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round tonight.
It's our panellists' job to guess the nation's most talked about TV moments of the last year.
Tom's team, what television shows do you think people chatted about in the last year? The World Cup.
I bloody loved it.
I missed it.
You missed it, Wes? What?! You missed it? Yeah, cos you was getting with Megan on Love Island.
And, you know, Megan is fit, but she's not 'England beating Colombia on penalties' fit.
LAUGHTER I mean, France won in the end.
As you can imagine, they were very civilised, bottle of champagne.
Maybe smoke a Gauloise.
Lovely.
Right? But in the UK, what would we have done? What would we have done? Get pissed, throw beer over everybody, jump on an ambulance and take your clothes off.
It's disgusting.
LAUGHTER You're being slightly I mean, you know, you're being a little bit of a killjoy there.
It brought a lot of people a lot of joy.
Take a look at how happy people were.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's a hell of a money shot, isn't it? Well done.
That's how Tom reacts when TM Lewin bring out a new line of pocket squares.
LAUGHTER What's funny about it, it was like one of the best we've done in the tournament for years and years We done quite well, didn't we? Yeah.
LAUGHTER I lost my marbles, basically.
I was just It was a heat wave, we were winning in the World Cup, I was on about four barbecues a day.
LAUGHTER I think, with the heat I think dehydration and drinking and all that, like, barbecue food goes to people's heads.
Also just seeing the grass yellow just sent me over the It was so yellow.
LAUGHTER It was like a weird cheese dream, the World Cup, for me.
LAUGHTER Harriet, did you watch any of the World Cup? No, but I'm just really glad that they finally finished football.
LAUGHTER I actually I did find it quite educational.
Like, I learned that Belgium was a country.
LAUGHTER I just thought it was a type of chocolate.
LAUGHTER You know, like, is caramel a country? What about a Brazil nut? Yeah, is it a country or not? Who knows? We don't know.
We do know.
LAUGHTER We all know.
I got so overwhelmed by it, I watched the Colombia game when we won on penalties, and I watched that in a snooker hall.
And I jumped up in the air and I fell to my knees, cried and kissed the floor.
Of a snooker hall.
LAUGHTER Rosie, did you get World Cup fever? Yeah, and I did, and I loved going out because, for four weeks, everyone was arseholes.
LAUGHTER So I fit in.
LAUGHTER The nights out afterwards, everyone just lost their minds on nights out.
I was watching it in south-east London and all the people out there I mean, I know Colombia lost the match, but I think their economy won.
LAUGHTER Not from me.
But there were a lot of people enjoying themselves.
I don't like to think about you on cocaine.
What would happen? All that chewing, you'd go through a tree.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, shall we have a look and see whether the World Cup is up there? Yes, it's England's World Cup campaign.
As a keen football fan, I enjoyed last summer's World Cup so much I can't wait for this year's.
LAUGHTER Rob's team, what TV moments do you think people have been talking about? Well, there was a huge royal wedding.
Harry and Meghan.
I like Meghan, I've got a lot of time for Meghan.
You know, cos she's come from a bit of a rough family, didn't she? She was on telly for a little bit, she's had a divorce.
In this country, she'd end up on Celebs Go Dating LAUGHTER .
.
but American, she's got that confidence and started coming over and started banging a prince.
I mean, I know he's a ginger one but he still a prince.
LAUGHTER Did you hear about their courtship as well? Apparently, on the third date, he asked her to go camping in Botswana.
I mean, firstly, who goes on three dates? LAUGHTER Secondly, all my dates are camp.
LAUGHTER And as well, on one third date, really, I just want to be taken to Carluccio's, and not for the set menu.
Shall we have a look at the moment everyone was waiting for, the kiss? It was kind of the most romantic thing that happened.
The bride looking radiant.
And there is the kiss that everyone was hoping for and waiting for.
I mean, she's a hell of an actress, isn't she? LAUGHTER That's not the one we were hoping for.
That's the one we got but we all wanted that Both going for it.
LAUGHTER, GROANING Did you hear, as well, apparently viewing figures were down? And I sort of thought, well, probably they need to take a leaf out of Netflix's book.
Break it into six episodes, put some drag queens and a vegan, and a serial killer in it LAUGHTER .
.
and then people will watch.
LAUGHTER Did you get off with adrag queen? Yeah.
LAUGHTER It was New Year's Eve and I'd had a lot of Sambucas.
LAUGHTER I was running out of choices and I thought "Fuck it.
" LAUGHTER I actually went to the wedding.
What? What? So, you were at the wedding, were you? Yeah, not Let's have a look at you at the wedding.
Just coming up now.
This is so exciting.
Like, the real-life Meghan is driving up.
She's going to be driving past very shortly.
CHEERING You can hear the crowd going now.
She's about to drive past, can't wait to see a glimpse.
Oh, wow, she looks amazing.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Have you.
? Can I ask .
.
Scarlett, have you kept in touch with her? LAUGHTER It was like you were commentating on a bank job from the '40s.
"Zoom!" LAUGHTER Wes, did you watch it? I did, I think it's an amazing thing as well.
I think to see two cultures come together, it's an amazing sort of Yeah.
What a lovely sentiment for a bloke who spaffed all over a villa in Spain.
LAUGHTER Rosie, what do you think? So, coming into it, I was like, "No, it's shit, "I am not watching it, "I'm going to go out, I'm going to have a pizza," and I got up and I put my telly on, and that was it.
Crying.
And I was like, "This is the best day of my life.
"Oh, my God.
Diana should be here to see this.
" I can't believe she didn't go.
LAUGHTER It's so sad, cos the Queen has this protocol where it's like no-one is allowed to approach her, she has to approach them, but I just really hope that someone's told the Queen that, otherwise she's going to be so lonely.
She's like, "No-one's even said hi.
" LAUGHTER I always find t strange as well, the only sort of normal people the royals ever meet are those ones who, like, camp outside hospitals and stuff, and cathedrals.
You think, no wonder they want to surround themselves with guards all the time when they're like, "Oh, look, here's another one dressed in a Union Jack flag suit "with a Princess Diana tray stapled to his head.
" LAUGHTER I'd think, "Oh, I'll just say in the palace all the time.
" LAUGHTER Wes, do you go to a lot of weddings? I know you're involved in a lot of love on an island.
I haven't.
I haven't.
We all seem to break up after six months, so there's not many wedding bells, but I do like weddings.
Mainly the afters, the boozy bit.
That's the best part.
Really, Wes? Do you booze? Oh! Well, it was my 21st birthday two days ago, so I've been on a birth week celebration, absolutely wrote myself off.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Wes.
CHEERING So, who did you celebrate with? I celebrated with all my friends from home, so I've barely seen them Your friends from home? From, like, Stoke.
But you were on Love Island and then you went on the ice skating show.
Yeah.
But you've still got your old friends? LAUGHTER Am I doing this all wrong? No, no, you have to say goodbye to them forever.
LAUGHTER Was it this one I was at the other one where they moved home because sometimes, with royal weddings, they move the homeless people on because they don't want them to be pictured.
Yeah, but, to be fair, if I've just spent 15 grand on a wedding, I'd want to move them along as well.
"You're in the photo here, mate.
" You've change, Rob, you've changed.
That isn't your persona.
You're a lovable cockney lad.
You can't be like, "Fuck off, you tramps.
" LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Harry and Meghan's wedding.
Meghan Markle is an actress.
Her most impressive role to date is playing a super-fit American TV star who's genuinely got the hots for a ginger kid.
LAUGHTER Harry gave Meghan an engagement ring featuring diamonds that had belonged to his mother, Princess Diana.
It served both as a fitting tribute to his mother and a constant reminder to Meghan of what could happen if she ever steps out of line.
AUDIENCE GASPS, LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the top TV moments of the last year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Scarlett, what do you think? Doctor Who.
What about Doctor Who? Well What about it? Do I have to explain? It was the first ever female Doctor.
We got a Barbie Doctor Who and everything.
It was proper girl power.
Sorry, a Barbie Doctor Who was the good bit about there being a female Doctor Who? Well, yeah, because Barbie is every occupation that a woman can do.
So, now we've got Barbie pilots and, like, Barbie everything.
And now you can be a Barbie Doctor Who.
Yeah, but Barbie's a bad role model, because she's, like, really skinny.
I think, unless you're going to give her, like, a normal body, then I think the least we can do is give Ken a massive dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Level the playing field, make boys insecure too.
So, let's take a look at the dramatic moment Jodie Whittaker took over as Doctor Who.
I let you go.
Oh, brilliant.
Did she crash the car straight away? No! I mean, that's definitely what it looks like happened.
The Doctor's now a woman.
"Oh, hang on, what does this do?" Bang! What kind of a role model is that?! I do like it, but I must say, the first time episode was a little unbelievable, because if you've been in a male body for so long, and you then become a woman, you wouldn't save the world, you'd be like, what's going on down here? So, you would have preferred a first episode for the doctor just wanked? Yeah.
Everyone's always saying, did you see Doctor Who? I think, I can't even see my own doctor, never mind Doctor pissing Who! You know, it's stupid to go, there shouldn't be a female Doctor.
The only time for you should have a preference over if it's a male or female doctor is if you've got something wrong with your dick or your bum hole.
Personally, I like an old geezer that's seen it all before.
I like an old man! Do you? Why?! Because I feel like he's got what I've got and he's seen it all before.
What, you got an old man dick? An old man's dick! I heard the It's so withered! Harriet, what do you think? All the old men are like, "Oh, it's really bad.
" One of the old doctors said, "Oh, it's bad they're getting rid of "all the male role models for young boys.
" It's just James Bond, Luke Skywalker, Frodo, Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, all the presidents, all the prime ministers apart from two.
There just aren't enough! What are the boys going to do?! Take Frodo out that list.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, I can tell you Jodie Whittaker becoming the first female Doctor Who is not up there, but I thought the new series of Doctor Who was brilliant.
It was just nice to see a northern girl in a phone box not getting fingered.
You can't say that! I just did.
I JUST did.
I just did! Right, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
What other television shows do you think people chatted about in the last year? Rob? OK, I mean, it's got to be Love Island, hasn't it? Wes was in Love Island.
What? Wes, why didn't you tell us?! I think this is the longest you've been on a TV show without banging someone, innit, Wes? Not true.
But have a look at Wes's incredibly confident introduction to the show.
If I was going to be emoji, I would be the aubergine, because I have a big wang.
I'm Wes.
I'm 20 years old, I'm from Staffordshire.
I'm a design engineer in the electrical and the nuclear industry.
I'd mark myself as a 9.
999 out of 10.
I'm pretty damn perfect.
Ohhh! That's probably the most cringy thing I've ever seen in my life.
Cringy? Cringing, yeah.
I liked all of it.
I like the bit when you talked about how big your wang was.
Because I'm on TV a lot, and I never really mention Little Jimmy.
You never mention it? It's never come up.
How was your experience on Love Island? No, it was so good.
It was probably the best thing I've ever done.
As a young lad, I think everyone wants to go on Love Island.
I know I always did! There's no gay dudes on Love Island.
What's going on? There might be next year.
Ohhh! Prime contender right here! I'll give you the contract to sign.
I'll be keeping my suit on.
I'd like to go on it, but they're really discriminatory.
Like, they won't let me go on it just cos I've got a husband.
I would like to see a version of Love Island for normal people.
Just for normal body shapes.
And I'd call it Love Handle Island.
OK.
Love Island has some fun challenges.
Take a look at these raucous scenes.
I didn't think it was possible to fancy Wes any more than I already did.
Oh, my god! THEY SCREAM Where's mine? I mean Oh, my goodness.
Sexy.
What sort of a firefighter has a Hi-Viz just round their neck? I'm sorry, Wes.
I shan't be buying your calendar.
He's joking.
He will.
Wes, when you're on air, and you're having sex with someone on there, right? And you know that everyone at home is watching, does it not go into your mind that your mum's going to see this? No, it was To be fair, my mum was all right with it, cos obviously, you don't see everything, and I imagine she was hiding behind a pillow when any bits were happening.
Yeah.
No, she was super proud of us.
It was a good Super proud? She said, some great performances "My boy has smashed the back doors in, there.
"That's incredible work.
" "Oh, have you seen my Wes? He's so good at shagging, isn't he?" "Oh, that wang! Oh!" "She could barely walk down to the pool the next morning!" It's a cultural phenomenon.
There's a lot of language that goes along with it.
Maybe you could translate for us.
Could you explain me The Do Bits Society? Yeah, so, when people didn't really want to talk about what they'd done on the night before, and maybe some people didn't know, I created a little system, a society, that people could explain what they did without going into too much detail.
So, there's level one, two and three.
OK.
Level Three Bits, you've got any over-cotton touching.
So, that's Over cotton?! What?! So, that's like spooning.
It could be anything.
It could be just fumbling.
Then, Level Two Level Two.
Anything but sex, essentially.
Anything but sex is Level Two.
So, that's under cotton? Anything butt sex? And Level One? Level One is full-blown The full shebang.
Full-blown? That's it.
Blown is after butt sex? Wes! So, there's three levels? There's three levels, yeah.
What is salty? A salty argument is getting bitter.
Oh.
Yeah.
Salty and bitter? Yeah.
Why wouldn't you just say bitter? But you couldn't say bitter, because it sounds like Do Bits.
What that all about, Do Bits? The Do Bits Society.
Cos my mum always says, "I'm going into town, I've got to do some bits.
" And it's really made me LAUGHTER That only happens up north in phone boxes, no? Why does everyone keep looking at me when they're talking about getting fingered in phone boxes?! That's never happened! Sorry, you've never been fingered in a phone box? No! That's never happened! Have you ever kissed someone in a phone box? No I'm not being funny, I'm only 28.
Like, I've had a mobile phone since I was 12.
Like I've not been in phone boxes! I've never needed to go into a phone box! What is this?! I can tell you Love Island is not one of the most talked about things, but if you haven't seen Love Island, it's basically the finger-banging Olympics.
Are you joking us? What? Did they just cut to a shot of me when you said? What is happening here? It's so bad! That's Yeah.
Sorry, no.
That's incredibly rude that we cut to a shot of you.
Could the shot be of Scarlett all the way through that? The show's official sponsor was Superdrug, and what those drugs are for is treating super gonorrhoea.
OK, one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
OK, what do you think? It's got to be Dancing On Ice.
The GC.
And Wes was on it as well.
You were on Dancing On Ice.
I was on that.
And Torvill and Dean were on it.
I bet they were happy, weren't they? They've not had any work.
Imagine their agent getting that call.
"Torvill and Dean?! "Anyone got Torvill and Dean's number?" "Torvill are you with Dean? "Ring Harvester and tell them you can't do Sundays.
" How did you do on the show? I came second.
Yeah, I got to the final, and lost out at the end.
Hey, we all saw you come second on Love Island.
You really are a man for all seasons, aren't you, Wes? Dancing On Ice, Love Island.
What are you going to do next? Springwatch? Love it.
Lovely.
That's very nice.
The GC on Dancing On Ice.
Shall we take a look at her in action? Yeah.
Graceful, beautiful MUSIC: It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion You know what I love? The thing I love about that is the fact that when she gets up it's kind of like, "Do you think anyone noticed? "Anyone see that? No, got away with it.
" I love her there.
I think she's class.
Amazing.
She's so funny.
I mean, reality TV gold.
I mean, she described herself as a diva.
And, I mean, it is true.
Whenever you think of diva, you think of, like, Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand .
.
Gemma Collins.
You know? It just fits.
But the thing is, I think to be a diva, you have to be talented.
If you're not talented, you're not a diva, you're just a twat.
It's true! I'm sorry.
The truth hurts.
The truth hurts.
Boring.
You were brilliant on it, by the way, Wes.
Thank you very much, mate.
Do you know what? Wes, honestly, me and all my friends went skating.
Cos we want to watch yous, and then I was like, I must admit, I was critiquing yous quite heavily, and I was like, "Oh, they keep falling over all the time.
"It's not that hard.
" And then I went skating! I had to have the snowman that you hold and skate.
Hats off to you, cos that is hard.
It's hard walking on blades.
Yeah, it's very hard.
Yes, and that's what ice-skating is, isn't it? Yeah! Would you do it? Would you do the show? I'd be scared, one that I smash my teeth, and two, I slice my finger off.
Cos I would be that person.
You're worried about smashing your teeth? Just take them out.
People like you on TV as well.
If you did that, it would be a real I don't know.
Especially cos you're saying you'd find it difficult, I think it would be a bit of a journey.
People love that.
Should I start and practice now, do you think? Pretend I'm really shit and then Yes.
"And Scarlett's been paired up with the little snowman!" Shall we treat ourselves to a look at Wes in action? Oh, let's.
This is him attempting something called the headbanger.
And I think he very nearly kills her.
MUSIC: Rewrite The Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya Oh, my god! I mean You want me to do that?! Huh? You want me to do that?! Behave! Don't worry, Scarlett.
If you get a head injury, you get on TV! Oh, yeah.
She parks where she likes.
You've got injuries as well, Wes.
You were just showing me.
Yeah, I popped the bone out in my hand during the headbanger.
Fingerbanger, more like, they should have called it.
Hey! I messed up my arm.
It went to me again! OK, well, I can tell you that Gemma Collins falling over on Dancing On Ice is not one of the most talked about things, but if you've never seen Dancing On Ice, the show takes 11 celebrities, and Wes, and teaches them to fall over to music.
All right, fingers on buzzers.
What else you think is one of the most talked about TV moments of the year? Theresa May dancing? Yeah, everybody sort of wentohh.
Does that mean we have to see it again? I mean, it's pretty No, please, no.
It was, like, last October.
My toes have only just uncurled.
It's SO bad.
It's like you think, oh, yeah, dancing, it's going to be bad.
It's worse than you remember.
MUSIC: Dancing Queen By Abba Scarlett says she's not that bad! Yeah.
Like, she's not that bad.
I know she looks a bit like a Thunderbird, but it's not that bad.
Hey, there's nothing the matter with looking a bit like a Thunderbird.
But it is sort of a strange choice to walk out to a band who are famous for winning Eurovision.
Yeah.
I mean, if anything, she should have been walking out to the Hokey Cokey.
In, out, in, out She should be a boxer.
The reach on her arms.
They're massive! Do you know what, I bet she'd be really good at putting fake tan on her back.
She'll need that.
She won't be able to go to Europe on her holidays soon.
She's got form as well.
She's got form.
She's got previous on the dancing.
Take a look.
I think it's the worst thing any white person has ever done in Africa.
That's what I think.
That's what I think! It is kind of like You know, she's not a great dancer, but I sort of think that's not really the issue.
Like, it wouldn't all be fine if, like, "Oh, she can do a great paso doble.
" Do you know what I mean? You don't say that about any other political leader.
"Say what you like about Robert Mugabe, "he is great with a macarena.
" I always feel a bit sorry for her, because she's always getting, like, the mickey taken out of her.
And then the whole thing of, the naughtiest thing you've ever done, she said she'd run through a field of wheat, or whatever.
But what you want her to say as the Prime Minister? "Oh, naughtiest thing I've ever done "Got drunk and I sucked off my best mate's husband.
" Happy now? Will you vote for me? Well, she only became leader after every other candidate dropped out.
It's like, if I became a Victoria's Secret model because all other women died.
Rosie, what did you make of Theresa May's moves? Oh, I was pretty sorry for her, because she's the Prime Minister.
We shouldn't be judging her on how she dances.
If we wanted a good dancer as PM, we should have, like, Michael Jackson.
And that, that would not be good.
I think you make a very good point.
That moonwalk, it turns out, everyone loved it in the '80s.
It was only sort of developed to sneak in and out of kids' bedrooms.
Well, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Theresa May dancing on stage during the Conservative Party Conference.
To be fair, politicians have a history of dancing.
Theresa May at the party conference, Ann Widdecombe on Strictly, and Tony Blair on the graves of Iraqi children.
I can tell you, at the end of that round, Rob, Harriet and Scarlett have one point, Tom, Wes and Rosie have two points! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Harriet, Scarlett, what do you like the look of? Oh! Wes! Oh, yes! You like the look of Wes? Well, who wouldn't? OK.
We've got a lovely photo of Wes with his top off.
AUDIENCE OOHS For God's sake! And one of Rosie.
Oh, do No, we don't.
LAUGHTER For a second there, Rosie, for a second there Oh, no! You've chosen Wes, here is your related question.
The thing is, I like going on a night out, and then, say if you get so pissed, you forget what you look like anyway, don't you? It doesn't really matter, does it? This feels like rock-bottom.
No, do you know what I mean This feels like you've been talking about this in a meeting.
No, no "I was once on television, I said I drank so much, "I forgot what I looked like.
"It was only cos there was a mirror at the back of the phone box" LAUGHTER Ohh! TOM: I think I'm uniquely placed to answer this question.
Because I'm in between a very fit young man and a drunk.
And Correct! Have you got a six pack, can I ask, Tom? Er, you can ask I mean, I don't understand, I mean, is it sexy, lots of muscly people? I always think it would be like having sex with a climbing wall.
You know, lots of sort of hard lumps to climb up, and then someone to abseil down your back, perhaps, I don't know.
I would describe myself as more squidgy, perhaps more like a stress doll.
Now, what kind of training do you do? A lot of kick boxing, and skipping, yeah.
Can we have a demo of your skipping? It's extraordinary, I've seen a video.
Come on, we'll have a look at your skipping.
It's worth seeing! Where do you want me to skip? Well, in the middle there.
Go on, then.
Skip there.
Skip for me, baby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoa! Wow! Still pretty good, still pretty good.
Rob? Shall I have a go? Yeah, Rob, have a go.
Rob's going to have a little go.
Rob is going to show you how it's meant to be done.
Yeah, yeah.
Rob, just, er Basically, like, I know how to skip.
He was just doing that, that's not really skip LAUGHTER Oh, straight out of the gate, Rob! I mean, this boy is built for comedy.
APPLAUSE There's different techniques.
Very impressive.
Did anyone else want to have a go? Yeah, I'll have a go, sure.
Try not to, er, try not to whack yourself on the face.
Is that the gist of it? Now I thought it was skipping like this.
LAUGHTER Hang on Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thank you.
Thank you.
Stop it, Jimmy, not in front of people.
JIMMY LAUGHS LOUDLY OK, so, would you give up drinking for a six pack? What do you think? Um, no, I don't think people would, would they? No.
What do you think? Well, I reckon they'd keep getting drunk.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, I can tell you I already have a six-pack, in much the same way as I have natural looking hair and all my own teeth.
When is your MOT? So, at the end of that round, one point for Rob's team, two points for Tom's team.
Now, before we carry on, time for a quick bonus round.
Rob, Tom, come and join me for Carrot in a Box! OK, the rules of Carrot in a Box are simple.
You both have a box, but only one box contains a carrot.
Rob, in a moment, I'm going to ask you to look in your box.
You will be able to see whether you've got a carrot or not.
Tom, you want a carrot I want a carrot.
You really want a carrot.
But there is only one carrot.
Rob, if you don't have the carrot, then you have to bluff Tom into giving you his box, but ultimately, Tom, it's your choice whether you keep your box or take his box.
Couldn't be easier.
Let's play Carrot in a Box.
So, I get to look.
Rob gets to look.
Yeah.
And then, you get to decide if you want to swap boxes.
Oh, my goodness.
Rob, with those teeth, and a carrot There's a carrot in my box and I'm not stopping.
I think you're double bluffing, Robert.
I don't know what that means, but carry on.
There's something a little bit crazed in your eyes.
It suggests you're lying.
you're not a natural liar, you are quite honest.
Yeah, I've just I really hurt my neck with that whip Mmm So, you say you've got a carrot in your box? Yeah.
What does it look like? It's orange with a bit of green, what do you think? So, your question is, what does the carrot look like?! And you're relying on the fact that he might be dumb enough not to know? OK.
It's just an orange dildo, sorry.
Well, now he REALLY wants it.
Is it sort of a short carrot, or is it a long carrot? Don't try and seduce him! Um, it's .
.
I'd say an average carrot.
Am I doing this right? No.
You keep on asking about the carrot, I don't know why you want a description of the carrot.
I'm trying to get in his mind So, is there a carrot in there? You get to decide.
Do you want that one or that one? Which box do you want? I think he's lying, I want this one.
Because look at his eyes.
He's lying.
OK.
Well, let's find out.
Take a look in your box, see if you've got the carrot.
No, I don't want to.
Well, if you haven't got a carrot, you're in trouble.
Ohhh! Whoo! OK, that means, Rob, you're the winner of Carrot in a Box, and you win the carrot! Yes! Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
The most annoying thing people brag about.
BUZZER Is it that they sort of brag but then they don't brag, like, people on Instagram who put pictures of themselves up with no clothes on.
When you can completely see their junk and stuff and they're like, "Oh, I'm so shy, "Oh, I'll probably take this down later.
" Take what down? You've hardly got anything on.
Basically, what did you want? You know, you've already done the damage.
We all feel jealous, and we all want to wank.
Most annoying thing? What you find annoying? Scarlet, what do you think? I'm going to sound really evil here, but, like, people brag about their babies.
You know what I mean? And it's like mundane things, it's like, oh, today he lifted up a spoon! And I'm like, I do that every day, but I'm don't brag about it.
Everyone thinks their kid's, like, a genius, "Oh, Tabatha, "she's only two, but she's doing puzzles for four-year-olds.
"She's a genius.
" Is she a genius though? Does that make you a genius? I never saw Stephen Hawking doing puzzles, did you? Most annoying thing people brag about? What do you find annoying, Wes? Holidays.
People brag about holidays.
Yeah being on They just take Instagram pictures of really blue water and really white sand all the time.
So you find people's Instagram photos of their holidays annoying.
But you appeared on Love Island Yeah.
.
.
which was a whole TV show where you are bragging about your holiday.
That's true.
I wasn't bragging, I was just there.
You weren't bragging? No.
Isn't it annoying when people brag about how successful they are and how they're on TV! Hiya! Hiya, mum! Is that annoying? What you find annoying? What do people brag about around your way, Rob? It depends where you are.
Don't it, Jimmy, what you're bragging about.
Go on.
You know, like, if you're in prison LAUGHTER .
.
like, just getting through Tuesday without an unwanted finger up your arse is a good day, innit? If you're in prison, or a phone box in the North? Harriet, what do you think? What do you get annoyed at? I think what it probably is, is everyone bragging about being a vegan.
I mean I'm a vegan, but I don't tell anyone about it.
Keep it quiet, yeah? So you're vegan, now, aren't you allergic to vegetables? Yeah.
And fruit? Yeah.
And nuts? Yeah, it is difficult being vegan.
What you eat? Herbs? If they're cooked.
I'm quite allergic to that carrot actually.
Oh are you? You keep that away, no, don't! OK, so most annoying thing people brag about? People are always bragging about their penis actually.
I met a bloke who was like, he said to me, my penis is actually too big.
I mean, women don't do that, do they? Like, oh, my vagina is so big? I don't know The smaller the better.
Well, that's News just in, it wasn't me that said the creepiest thing on the show! It was actually Rosie.
Any other guesses? House prices, that's annoying, when people buy a house or something and go, oh, bought it for 200 grand, now it's worth 400.
Are you selling it? No, well, it don't matter, then, does it? OK, so let's get some actual answers on this.
Most annoying thing people brag about.
Is it money? Earnings and their job? That is exactly right! Oh! Happy cries.
Yes, the most annoying thing people brag about is how much money they earn.
My girlfriend won the lottery the day she met me.
Well, not exactly, although she did get five digits and the thunderball.
SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER HIGH PITCHED BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round, and the end of the show, which means the final scores are, it's a dead heat, everyone's a winner! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!