8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e06 Episode Script
Danny Dyer, Joe Wilkinson, Gabby Logan, David O'Doherty
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Sean Lock.
Joe Wilkinson.
Danny Dyer.
Gabby Logan.
David O'Doherty.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, William the Conqueror tried to learn to speak English at the age of 43, but failed.
A bit like Danny Dyer.
LAUGHTER The acronym OMG was first used 100 years ago.
#hedothsurpriseme, rickets face, pox face.
And if you mouth the words "elephant shoes", it looks like you're saying "I love you.
" Try it at home.
It's great for people who can't stand their partner but still want them to put out.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Sean has a very distinctive look, and that the look is the before photo in all hair rejuvenation adverts.
Joining Sean tonight, it's Danny Dyer.
Danny is an incredible actor.
Whether he's playing an East End gangster, a cockney wide boy or an Essex hard nut, he can turn his hand to anything.
True.
Danny is on the latest series of Who Do You Think You Are? The show traces his family from poverty and crime in the East End all the way back through the centuries to poverty and crime in the East End.
We should just do Danny Dyer jokes, they're a lot of fun.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING A loner who seems a bit weird and keeps himself to himself is how his neighbours will no doubt describe him when he's eventually caught.
And Joe's team-mate, Gabby Logan.
Gabby has just returned from presenting the Olympics in Rio.
I love the Olympics, whether I'm watching a drugged-up Russian jumping in a sandpit, a woman with testicles running really fast, or a Chinese slave child doing a forward roll.
The Olympics has got something for everyone.
Gabby, it's your first time on the show.
Are you going to be better at the letters of the numbers? II don't know.
Probably fairly average at both.
I know Joe will guide me through with his masterful Yeah, it's a piece of piss.
.
.
use of the English language, I was going to say.
Now, Gabby, you used to be an international gymnast.
- Are you a sore loser? - Umyeah, I kind of beat myself up a little bit.
Would Joe make a good gymnast, do you think? I think he's probably secretly quite strong underneath that brown suit.
I don't think it's secret.
- Yeah, I am very strong, I'm very bend it as well.
- Are you? Yeah, I can get through the railings in Alton Towers.
Right, Sean, let me ask you this.
What's the worst lie you've ever told? So many lies to choose from, aren't there? You know, normally I lie when I'm looking in prams or LAUGHTER As a parent, you lie.
You say, like, if you watch too much telly, you get square eyes.
Your eyes are bigger than your belly.
You can be anything you want to be.
It's lying though, isn't it? You've got to lie, you live by your lies, don't you? There's an entire industry based on lies.
We're in show business, your teeth are a lie.
There's that lie I told the American tourist.
I said it's 998.
Oh, dear.
It's funny.
I assume it was funny, I didn't stick around, I just went.
Now, Danny, you're a good-looking fellow, you're a sort.
- Would you ever consider plastic surgery? - Nah.
- OK.
- No, I quite like the idea of getting old.
I don't mind.
You know what I mean? Sitting in a little rocking chair, - great big derby about me.
- Derby? Derby Kelly's a belly.
Who's Derby Kelly? It don't matter at this point.
The old pipe out of the old mouth, that's the game I'm in, I think.
Yeah, so you look at Sean and think, great, Christmas future.
Yeah, but I don't mind getting old.
You get wiser.
- As an actor as well, you get more interesting parts.
- Yeah.
Yeah, those stairlift commercials.
Bath's got a door in it.
I've actually had a bit of, um I don't say this very often, but I've had a little bit of work done.
Yeah, I had rice put into my buttocks.
So, when I twerk, I sound like a maraca.
LAUGHTER Joe, have you brought a mascot along today? Yeah, I couldn't really think of anything, so I've brought quite a boring mascot with me.
It's just a sort of bog-standard family picture, like one of many.
- That's nice.
- It's actually the one I have in my downstairs lav.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's, um Over there, that's my uncle Mick and Auntie Pam.
They run a B&B in Lowestoft.
Cousin Ricky.
He's got a clean driving licence.
How many people can say that nowadays? Half brother Fabio.
Nice fella.
Yeah, it's just bog-standard.
Why have all your family got balaclavas on? I don't know, I've never asked them.
And these two here, they're actually my nan and grandad.
- And coincidentally, tonight is their 60th anniversary.
- Oh, lovely! Actually, I've got a picture of them on their wedding day.
- They haven't changed a bit.
- No.
Sorry, I just I said I wouldn't cry.
- Sorry.
- OK, Joe, how will you celebrate if you win tonight? If I win tonight, I'll probably just go for a quiet meal with the family because a few of them are in tonight.
LAUGHTER - Gabby, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
- What have you got?, I've got my lucky towel.
OK.
Why is the towel lucky? Because you made your top out of it? LAUGHTER When I was a kid, I was a gymnast and so before you go on the mat, you get a bit sweaty and nervous, your hands get a bit clammy.
- So you always have a towel you dry your hands with.
- Right.
And to cut a long story short, I once had a Chinese teacher and she told us all about Chinese customs and that red was a lucky colour.
So I thought I'd make my towel red and that would bring me luck.
So, for my whole gymnastics career, my lucky towel came everywhere.
I did the British Championships and did the best I'd ever done, and the next day I was flying to Auckland for the Commonwealth Games and I arrived in Auckland and I'd left my lucky towel in Milton Keynes.
But I convinced myself for three weeks that I didn't need the towel.
- Did you do OK? - No, I did really badly.
- That's going to bring you good luck.
- Yes.
And if it doesn't, - we can make matching balaclavas out of them.
- I'd love that.
And we can sit together and cuddle up.
Probably should have washed it.
- OK, Danny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
Nowit's a tortoise.
You know I'm not a scientist, Jim, but Thanks for clarifying.
These fascinate me, these things.
I don't know if it's true or not, but I heard that their shell, you can shoot it, whack it with a hammer, it won't break it, he tucks his little nut in.
Like, you couldn't eat it, but if you flipped it open like that, it dies.
It gets all stressed out and can't deal with it.
So if a fox came along, a clever fox, and just flipped it over, give it half an hour cooking time, and then it could munch it out of a bowl.
LAUGHTER I'm hoping It's the only animal that serves itself.
I feel sorry for it, in a way, I think God's a liberty.
If he's create a creature you cannot penetrate, but if you flip it over, it's fucked.
You know, I'm fascinated by them, so that's my lucky thing.
Look at it, weird-looking thing.
Shall I just put it there, or is it going to wind people up? Yes, it's getting on my nerves.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
- What have you got? It's more of a tribute, actually.
I'd like to say goodbye to someone who's, you know, been close to me in the past.
This is a budgie that died in a taxidermy accident.
We thought he was asleep.
A big sleeper, he was always asleep.
That's why he's called Dozy.
This time it had gone on a bit too long, he was taking the piss, really.
He'd been sleeping for a good week.
But I thought that was it for Dozy.
And then, one day, I saw one of these things hovering near my window.
And I thought maybe I could give Dozy a proper send-off to make up for the times I'd neglected him.
And I thought it would be a nice tribute.
And they say to me, you can have anything you want, and I said I'd like this.
Oop! Don't panic, he's already dead.
Yeah, but dignity is important.
And I've chosen his favourite song.
So if we can have that.
MUSIC: Albatross by Fleetwood Mac Oh! All right, Joe, hold him there, hold him there.
Oh, Joe! Hold it there, guys.
That could not have gone any worse.
That was a disaster! Hang on, Rachel's picking it up with two cards.
- It's its innards.
- It is a real dead budgie, isn't it? I stuffed it in a hurry.
Put it next to the tortoise.
There you go, look, proper little pals.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE I'm not saying David O'Doherty looks like he sells The Big Issue, but if he was a card game, he'd be top tramps.
If he was running for president in America, he's be Donald Tramp.
And if your kids were jumping up and down on him in the garden, he'd be a trampoline.
At least I don't look like a vampire who'd temping, like you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David, here's a question for you.
- What's your favourite way to waste time? - I do quite a lot of that.
So I guess sports.
I'll go to sports that I don't even know the rules of.
I was in Australia and I'd go to Aussie rules.
And because I didn't have a team or know what the rules are, I'd just pick the animal mascot that would win if there was a fight.
So, if it was like the Tigers against the Kangaroos, obviously the tiger is going to ruin the kangaroo.
But then it'd be the Tigers against the Bombers, the bombers will smash the habitat of the tigers.
Then I went to a tricky one, it was the Dockers against the Blues.
And, like, who's Cos people who work down the wharf are notoriously tough.
But then depression can defeat anyone.
So, it's, er So it's a tricky situation.
OK, with David, of course, is Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie is so versatile, not only is she on TV, she's also a successful author and radio broadcaster.
So if you're a fan of watching something boring, reading something boring or hearing something boring, she's got it covered.
Susie, do you have a celebrity crush? Well, Danny, obviously.
I wouldn't say weird although he called me his weird crush famously once.
No, I deny it, there's nothing weird about you at all.
Well, you hardly know her.
- LAUGHTER - That's true.
So, yes, Danny on the one hand and then You'll laugh at this, Gabby.
But Arsene Wenger would be on the other side, probably.
I know it's a bit strange.
Sean, I think we've got a picture of Arsene Wenger.
No, he's very charming.
Yeah, they go quite well together, Arsene is incredibly clever.
Sorry, Danny.
He's very clever.
Speaks lots of languages.
And Danny is the brawn.
So I'd say two, yes, two celebrity crushes.
To be fair, it would be a mad threesome, that, wouldn't it? LAUGHTER OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel, I'm not saying there's been a mix-up in wardrobe, but whenever I see you do the numbers, I can't help but wonder if there's a girl doing Jagerbombs in a Wetherspoon's dressed as a librarian.
Lots of people would be jealous of your ability with maths, but if you could swap brains with anyone here, who would it be? I think I would have to go for Joe Wilkinson.
I wouldn't, there's a lot of dark shit up here.
Well, yeah.
I've got strong suspicions that he's been breaking the terms that the court set.
Yeah, normally Joe's over there with you, - but because of the restraining order, we had to - Yeah.
Yeah, they measured it out, they moved this back a little bit so we could get away with the programme.
You know, I'm prepared to do a bit of time.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown keytar.
OK, time for the first game.
Joe and Gabby, you get first pick of the letters.
Yeah, do you want to choose? I'm going to have a little rest.
Vowel, please.
Thank you, Gabby.
E.
Another vowel.
A Consonant.
G Another consonant.
R Another vowel, please.
O Er, a consonant.
L And another consonant.
And a vowel, please.
I And another consonant, please.
And the last one F And for the first time, here's the Countdown Clock.
THUNDERCLAP Agh! THUNDERCLAP Oh, excellent.
Bloody hell.
Gabby, how did you do? - OK, I was only six.
- Six? - Yeah.
- OK.
Joe? - Mine's six as well.
- OK.
- Sean, how many? - I only got five.
- Danny? - Seven, but I think I've spelt it wrong.
- Sean, what's yours? - GLOATS.
GLOATS, OK.
Gabby, your six? What's wrong with that? - What's wrong with what? - That's what you I think he's got seven.
All right, I added it up wrong.
- Gabby, what's your six? - TOILER.
- TOILER.
- Joe, what's yours? - GRAFTER.
GRAFTER We haven't got two Rs, I don't think.
Oh, you idiot! You gave me all that confidence.
You wrote it down.
Danny, your seven? Yeah, it's bollocks.
FREIGHTER, you know, like a freighter train.
Like a f-freighter train.
I was going to say how are you spelling that but how are you PRONOUNCING that? OK.
Six points to Gabby.
OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have done a little bit better.
Keeping with the toilet theme, we've got a few.
FOLIAGE, a seven-letter word, which is used to describe sheets of toilet paper.
- Er, GLOATER.
- It was TOILER, not TOILET.
- So it was TOILER? - TOILER, yeah.
OK, it wasn't TOILET.
And now she's got It's really ruined now.
- Sorry! - But I'll stay with it.
- Yeah.
GLOATER, which is what you do after you've toiled for a whole day.
You're happy with GLOATER.
Toiling.
And then FLOATIER is a poo that won't flush.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Joe and Gabby are in the lead with 6.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean and Danny get to pick the numbers.
- I don't like getting involved with this one.
- OK.
Two from the top and the usual recipe, please.
Thank you, two from the top and four from the bottom.
And these little ones, 4, 2, 5, 1 and the big ones, 100 and 75.
And the target - 686.
- OK, so your target is 686.
Your time starts now.
OK, Danny, I can't help but notice you did not take part in this round.
No, I don't like getting involved in it, it upsets me, I don't want anything to do with it.
- Just swerve me on this one, please.
- OK.
Sean, what did you get? The target was 686.
I got 678.
Near enough.
OK.
Joe, how did you do? Er, genuinely 600 Er667½.
OK, well, it's interesting.
Gabby, how did you do? Really not well.
I got 678 as well.
OK, how did you get 678, Gabby? I got 678 by timesing, er 9 x 75 678 + 1 + 2 How the hell do you know 9 x 75? How did you get your 9? 5 + 4 - Yeah.
- Sorry, sorry.
4 x 75 = 675 675 + 1 + 2 - Is that how YOU got it? - SEAN: Mm.
I believe you! Five points to Gabby and Sean.
Rachel, can it be done? Yeah, it was so close to that.
5 + 4 = 9 75 + 1 = 76 76 x 9 = 684 684 + 2 Aw! OK, so Sean and Danny have 5, Joe and Gabby have 11.
Yes! OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? I've got the party machine, everyone.
I thought I would do a song.
I thought Actually, tonight I've written a duet, but unfortunately I wrote it for me and Shakira.
It's great that Susie's here, so I'd like you to do your bit.
I've got some South American instruments, Susie, so when I call upon you, just percussion away.
I'll be taking care of the me and Shakira parts, so hopefully no-one will notice.
# It's a rainy night # I lie in bed # Tucked up and warm # Out of the storm # What's that? # A knock at the door # Who could it be? # I run down to see # And there, soaked to the skin # Stands A tiny woman LAUGHTER AS SHAKIRA: # Oh, David, David, prince of everything # Let me touch your sexy body # Let me feel your skin # I've travelled over oceans to get here to you # Thinking of specific things that I'd like to do # So come on, let's not waste all day I am Shakira, let's get busy LAUGHTER I'll be honest, I'm filled with questions more than anything else.
The first one being # Shakira, are you sure that you've got the right address? # Yes, I am, David # Soon your balls I will caress Ole, ole # But, Shakira, how do you even know who I am? # I watch your videos on YouTube # Your album's in my van # You have a van? # A brown Transit van # But, Shakira, don't you think # This might be some weird obsessive crush # On your part that's gone awry? # David, look at my hips They do not lie Can you do a panpipe solo? Just do a little panpipe solo.
Just do anything.
MUFFLED NOTES MUFFLED NOTES Shakira understands, having heard that.
# Now I completely see The point you're making This isn't going to work, Shakira.
# Even though my tiny Colombian heart is breaking # I'll walk away-ey-ey # And you forever, miss # Please don't ever tell Anyone about this I say, "No, of course not, Shakira.
"Maybe just this one time on Countdown.
" Hit that.
LAUGHTER CHEERING Susie Dent there on the panpipes, with David O'Doherty.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GIRTH FAN, the clue is - makes me think of Grandma.
That's GIRTH FAN - makes me think of Grandma.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back! The answer to the teaser.
The words were GIRTH FAN.
The clue was, makes me think of grandma.
It was, of course, FARTHING.
So, Joe and Gabby are in the lead.
They have been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Danny and Joe.
So, I mean, no winners, really.
Danny, your turn to choose the letters.
A couple of vowels, please.
- Thank you, Danny.
- JOE: Shall we just do three? - You what? - Shall we just do three? Three letters, that's all.
- I am up for that.
- Give us a consonant.
- C.
- JOE: Yeah, that'll do! Another consonant, then.
One more, see what happens.
JOE: There were go.
- T.
- JOE: Shit, there's nothing there.
- SEAN: Yes, there is.
- GABBY: CUTE.
If we can get an N, that would be lovely.
I.
Another consonant, please.
Ooh! Come on, no-one cares.
We just want an N! - Give us a couple of vowels.
- Not a vowel! Give us another vowel and one more consonant.
If we get an N, I've got a seven.
Don't want to do it now.
And your time starts now.
IRISH LINE DANCING MUSIC APPLAUSE I miss it so much! - OK, Danny, how many? - I got seven.
- What?! OK, Joe, how did you do? - I got six.
- What was your six? - BATHER.
- It's ironic you would have BATHER! - What is your seven, then? - 'AIRCUT.
APPLAUSE HAIRCUT, you didn't even need the H! Seven points to Danny Dyer.
David, Susie, could they have done any better than seven? No, seven was the best, I have to say.
- OK, Sean, what are you up to? - SUSIE: Oh, no! What are you doing? Well, I don't just have one dead bird This one died in what I can only describe as suspicious circumstances.
I was gardening.
That is all I'm saying.
As he died, he looked me in the eye and said, "One more flight.
" - "That is all I want.
" - He said that? I was just about to chuck him over a wall And I saw one of these coming past.
You are very good at these.
I thought, I will go on a course, get proficient and if we can have the music, please, to set the mood.
# Lean on me When you're not strong The final flight.
See you, you rancid piece of vermin blessed with flight! APPLAUSE Wow! OK, at the end of that, Joe and Gabby have 11.
Sean and Danny have 12.
Right, now time for Sean and Gabby to go head-to-head.
Gabby, your turn to pick the numbers.
Rachel, can you choose the numbers, please? I will go for the Sean special, the two from the top and four little.
Four little 8, 9, 5, 2.
And the big ones, 25 and 100.
- And the target is 240.
- OK, your time starts now.
- OK, the target was 240.
Gabby, did you get it? - No, I got 245.
245, five away.
Sean, did you get it? - Yeah, I got 241.
- 241.
- How did you get 241? - 2 + 8 = 10.
- Times 25.
- 250.
- Minus 9.
- Well done.
- Get hold of that! Rachel, could it be done? - Yes, DOD may have it.
- Go ahead, DOD.
Get involved.
- Do you want the pen and everything? - Look at his tiny legs.
It will take awhile.
So, the key to it is staying within the grid.
100 Have you given me a shit pen?! - There you go.
- Thank you.
It's all going to pot over here.
5 x 8 is 40 giving us 240.
Whoa.
- Gabby is very cross.
- I did nine fives instead of eight sides.
So she punched me! I'm starting to question how lucky that towel really is.
OK, Joe and Gabby have 11, Sean and Danny have 19.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? I mean this is a poignant evening for me because I love this show, I love it but this is the last time I'm ever going to be on it because this time next year I will be huge.
Way too big for this tiny nerd bullshit! This time next year there won't be a venue capable of holding my crowd.
I'll do gigs from a hot-air balloon over the centre of the country with the loud-hailer and Dyson hoovering up money.
This time next year my fragrance will be everywhere, Boner Owner odour by David O'Doherty.
That is what it's called.
Boner Owner.
That's the ad.
This time next year I will be a real arsehole.
I'm not too bad now.
Ask me how I am, Susie.
This is me right now.
Ask me how I am.
- David, how are you? - I'm good, thank you.
That's me now.
Let's wind the clock forward a year and see how I have changed.
- This is this time next year.
Danny, ask me how I am? - How are you? Go fuck yourself, leave me alone! This time next year Kanye West will describe people as having gone a bit O'Doherty.
This time next when we come back here just to shoot a documentary about how shit my career used to be This time next year but the year after next I will be back here again.
It will all work out.
This is as big as this gets.
"Please producers have me back on the show!" And you will all be like, ahhhhhh! Like the former X factor finalist's first day back at Tesco.
And everyone is like, ahhhhh! "We knew you would be back because your music is shit!" "For first job, can you shovel copies of your own CD into the "crusher because nobody will ever want it?" This time next year and the year after next but in the meantime, it's a delight to be here.
David O'Doherty! The scores at the moment, Joe and Gabby have 11.
Sean and Danny are in the lead with 19.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NIPS RISE.
The clue is, that gives me an idea.
NIPS RISE, that gives me an idea.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser: The words were NIPS RISE.
The clue was, that gives me an idea.
It was of course, INSPIRES.
OK, before we get on with the game, time for a quick bonus round.
A chance for our teams to win some extra point.
In honour of the great Danny Dyer, we've got a quiz all about Danny.
LAUGHTER so I've got some questions, Danny, you'll be able to provide the answers.
LAUGHTER OK.
So, the first question in the Danny Dyer quiz - can you guess the missing word in this tweet? LAUGHTER What do you think the missing word is? You know when it pisses right through, though, right onto the plate? You know what I'm saying? Proper pissing through.
That's a crumpet.
That's how you eat a crumpet in my house.
OK, so what do you think the missing word is? Ballet? Ballet.
You think he's watching ballet? OK.
Joe? I put Taggart.
- OK, Sean? - Question Time.
Danny, what was the answer? It's Question Time, yeah.
- Is it?! - Yeah.
- The answer is Question Time.
APPLAUSE GABBY: They know Danny so well! SEAN: And also, he wants to know what's going on.
Have you ever been on Question Time, Danny? No, no, they won't have me on there, for some reason.
I've no idea why.
I'll tell you why.
Bunch of slags.
LAUGHTER OK, next question.
What's the missing word in this tweet? Easy, this one, easy.
It's obvious.
OK, Gabby, what have you written down? Baps.
If we didn't have baps, we could never enjoy eating a sandwich.
OK.
Joe? I put a mouth.
APPLAUSE You make a strong case.
Sean? Chairs.
You can't eat a sandwich standing up.
Danny, what was the answer? Thumbs.
SEAN: Half a point, half a point! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Because if you didn't have any thumbs, you'd be fucked.
How would you hold it? - No, quite right.
- And I'm glad you shared that with the nation! OK, question number three in the Danny Dyer bonus quiz.
This is an interesting fact about Danny.
Why does Danny think he's middle-class? OK? So, why does Danny believe, incorrectly, that he's middle-class? LAUGHTER Don't want to be fucking middle-class.
- Well, you thought you were.
- Well, I was for about a half-hour.
Why does Danny believe he is middle-class? Gabby? Because he has thumbs.
- Joe? - I've put, cos he's got a pull-out dining room table.
- Sean, what have you got? - Small telly.
- He thinks he's middle-class because he has a small telly? - Yes.
Or a big telly? The more money you've got, the bigger telly.
No, there's a certain point at which you go posh and you just have a little telly.
- SEAN: Yeah.
- What the fuck? LAUGHTER Danny, why did you believe yourself to be middle-class? Because my wife bought cinnamon=scented toilet paper once.
So So I was wiping me arse, and me arse smelt of cinnamon.
So I thought I thought that was quite middle-class.
I kept getting a little hint of it now and then, a little twang of it.
- I thought, oh, yeah.
- LAUGHTER They do any other flavours, like Marmite? "Flavours?" I like the oxtail soup one.
OK, well, Sean, you won the quiz, so that's five bonus points to you.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH OK, on with the game.
Joe and Gabby, your turn to choose the letters.
Erm Consonant, please.
Thank you, Joe.
N And then could I have a vowel, please.
I Consonant, please.
R And a vowel.
E Consonant.
C Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
D Consonant, please.
L DAVID: It's IRELAND! It's nearly IRELAND! LAUGHTER SEAN: What do we need? What do we need? It's there.
It's IRELAND.
It's there.
- It's there! - IRELAND's there.
Get the dancers back out! APPLAUSE I'll have a consonant, please.
And the last one - R - All I can see is bloody IRELAND now.
OK, your time startsnow.
OK.
Joe, how many? I just I could only - I could only see IRELAND.
- LAUGHTER - OK, Gabby, how did you do? - Seven.
- Seven? - Wow, very good.
- Pretty good.
I don't know if mine is a real word.
OK.
Sean, how many did you get? Six.
- Danny? - I only got a four.
What was your four? LEAN Could have put a C on the front.
CLEAN.
Bollocks.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Sean, your six? - CRADLE SUSIE: (It is in there.
) CRADLE Gabby, your risky seven? Go on, do it.
CRADLER Oh, that's lovely! That's not a word.
Surely not.
- Yeah, someone who cradles.
- That's the stewards, that is.
Susie, we're going to require a stewards' enquiry.
Yeah, it's not there, Gabby.
- DANNY: Ahhh! - Ohhh! Dammit.
What about IRELAND? LAUGHTER Because when people play, like, games with nets, and they're cradling the ball, like in lacrosse, you cradle the ball.
- Would they not be a CRADLER? - SUSIE: Yeah, it's That's the example of cradling a ball you can think of? LAUGHTER OK.
Six points to Sean.
- APPLAUSE - Go on, my son.
Go on, my old son.
David, Susie, I look to you.
Yeah, there's sevens.
There is CARRIED, which is a seven-letter.
CARLINE, which is a - Thistle.
- A thistle, Of course.
My favourite of all the thistles.
And then, RANDIER is when you're more randy than someone else.
Like, if there's two people called Randy, but one of them is even more American.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Danny are in the lead with 30 points.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH I'm going to get a nine later.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are TOSS RACE.
The clue is, don't leave any stains.
That's TOSS RACE - don't leave any stains.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TOSS RACE, the clue was don't leave any stains, it was, of course, COASTERS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Danny, your turn to choose the letters.
- Right.
- You do it, mate.
Joe, Gabby, you need a nine-letter word here to do this.
Nine letters, we double the score, you get 18 and you're back in the game.
That's all of them, innit? All of them in a different order.
LAUGHTER I was that close, I was that close.
- Vowel, please.
- Starting with E Consonant, please.
Vowel.
O Consonant.
X Ah, for fu Get rid of the X, get rid of the X.
No-one likes the X.
Didn't happen.
Consonant, please.
W Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
LAUGHTER Consonant.
JOE LAUGHS Consonant, please, Rachel.
H Consonant, please.
L - And I'll have a vowel, please.
- And the last one A OK and your 30 seconds starts now.
Ahhh! LAUGHTER Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
JIMMY GROANS RACHEL YELLS LAUGHTER Sorry, Rachel.
APPLAUSE Sorry.
OK, Danny, how many? Eh, five.
Sean, how many? Just sixes.
- Joe? - Nine.
LAUGHTER - OK, Gabby? - Five.
I thought I had a nine but there's just an E missing.
OK, Gabby, what did you get? LATHE - OK, Danny? - WHEAT.
- WHEAT? - Yeah.
OK, Sean, your six? WATTLE Mm, this thing.
- That's good.
- Which I'm getting.
OK, Joe, your nine-letter word? It is risky.
LAUGHTER ETOWHATLA LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, Joe.
- How are you spelling that, Joe? - It's how it sounds.
- Ah.
- It's phonetic.
- E-T-O-W Oh, is there a W? Yeah, there's a W.
I thought there wasn't a W there for a second.
LAUGHTER Hang on, hang on! She's just skipped one.
Go at it with the pen cam.
There is, I think, one there.
LAUGHTER OK, six points to Sean.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.
Could they have done any better, David, Susie? - No, I think six was - Yeah.
WATTLE is good.
OK, so Joe and Gabby have 11, Sean and Danny have 36.
11's my lucky number.
APPLAUSE Oh! OK, what have we got to do now? OK, you've got to just get the conundrum.
BOTH: Oh! I can't do the c It genuinely makes me feel seasick.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time starts now.
BELL Oh, piss off.
LAUGHTER SUFFERING - GABBY: Oh! - APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if you're right.
CHEERING Four seconds in.
Well played, Gabby.
So the final scores are Gabby and Joe have 11 points but the winners, with an incredible 46, Sean and Danny! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown keytar! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Joe Wilkinson.
Danny Dyer.
Gabby Logan.
David O'Doherty.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, William the Conqueror tried to learn to speak English at the age of 43, but failed.
A bit like Danny Dyer.
LAUGHTER The acronym OMG was first used 100 years ago.
#hedothsurpriseme, rickets face, pox face.
And if you mouth the words "elephant shoes", it looks like you're saying "I love you.
" Try it at home.
It's great for people who can't stand their partner but still want them to put out.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Sean has a very distinctive look, and that the look is the before photo in all hair rejuvenation adverts.
Joining Sean tonight, it's Danny Dyer.
Danny is an incredible actor.
Whether he's playing an East End gangster, a cockney wide boy or an Essex hard nut, he can turn his hand to anything.
True.
Danny is on the latest series of Who Do You Think You Are? The show traces his family from poverty and crime in the East End all the way back through the centuries to poverty and crime in the East End.
We should just do Danny Dyer jokes, they're a lot of fun.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING A loner who seems a bit weird and keeps himself to himself is how his neighbours will no doubt describe him when he's eventually caught.
And Joe's team-mate, Gabby Logan.
Gabby has just returned from presenting the Olympics in Rio.
I love the Olympics, whether I'm watching a drugged-up Russian jumping in a sandpit, a woman with testicles running really fast, or a Chinese slave child doing a forward roll.
The Olympics has got something for everyone.
Gabby, it's your first time on the show.
Are you going to be better at the letters of the numbers? II don't know.
Probably fairly average at both.
I know Joe will guide me through with his masterful Yeah, it's a piece of piss.
.
.
use of the English language, I was going to say.
Now, Gabby, you used to be an international gymnast.
- Are you a sore loser? - Umyeah, I kind of beat myself up a little bit.
Would Joe make a good gymnast, do you think? I think he's probably secretly quite strong underneath that brown suit.
I don't think it's secret.
- Yeah, I am very strong, I'm very bend it as well.
- Are you? Yeah, I can get through the railings in Alton Towers.
Right, Sean, let me ask you this.
What's the worst lie you've ever told? So many lies to choose from, aren't there? You know, normally I lie when I'm looking in prams or LAUGHTER As a parent, you lie.
You say, like, if you watch too much telly, you get square eyes.
Your eyes are bigger than your belly.
You can be anything you want to be.
It's lying though, isn't it? You've got to lie, you live by your lies, don't you? There's an entire industry based on lies.
We're in show business, your teeth are a lie.
There's that lie I told the American tourist.
I said it's 998.
Oh, dear.
It's funny.
I assume it was funny, I didn't stick around, I just went.
Now, Danny, you're a good-looking fellow, you're a sort.
- Would you ever consider plastic surgery? - Nah.
- OK.
- No, I quite like the idea of getting old.
I don't mind.
You know what I mean? Sitting in a little rocking chair, - great big derby about me.
- Derby? Derby Kelly's a belly.
Who's Derby Kelly? It don't matter at this point.
The old pipe out of the old mouth, that's the game I'm in, I think.
Yeah, so you look at Sean and think, great, Christmas future.
Yeah, but I don't mind getting old.
You get wiser.
- As an actor as well, you get more interesting parts.
- Yeah.
Yeah, those stairlift commercials.
Bath's got a door in it.
I've actually had a bit of, um I don't say this very often, but I've had a little bit of work done.
Yeah, I had rice put into my buttocks.
So, when I twerk, I sound like a maraca.
LAUGHTER Joe, have you brought a mascot along today? Yeah, I couldn't really think of anything, so I've brought quite a boring mascot with me.
It's just a sort of bog-standard family picture, like one of many.
- That's nice.
- It's actually the one I have in my downstairs lav.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's, um Over there, that's my uncle Mick and Auntie Pam.
They run a B&B in Lowestoft.
Cousin Ricky.
He's got a clean driving licence.
How many people can say that nowadays? Half brother Fabio.
Nice fella.
Yeah, it's just bog-standard.
Why have all your family got balaclavas on? I don't know, I've never asked them.
And these two here, they're actually my nan and grandad.
- And coincidentally, tonight is their 60th anniversary.
- Oh, lovely! Actually, I've got a picture of them on their wedding day.
- They haven't changed a bit.
- No.
Sorry, I just I said I wouldn't cry.
- Sorry.
- OK, Joe, how will you celebrate if you win tonight? If I win tonight, I'll probably just go for a quiet meal with the family because a few of them are in tonight.
LAUGHTER - Gabby, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
- What have you got?, I've got my lucky towel.
OK.
Why is the towel lucky? Because you made your top out of it? LAUGHTER When I was a kid, I was a gymnast and so before you go on the mat, you get a bit sweaty and nervous, your hands get a bit clammy.
- So you always have a towel you dry your hands with.
- Right.
And to cut a long story short, I once had a Chinese teacher and she told us all about Chinese customs and that red was a lucky colour.
So I thought I'd make my towel red and that would bring me luck.
So, for my whole gymnastics career, my lucky towel came everywhere.
I did the British Championships and did the best I'd ever done, and the next day I was flying to Auckland for the Commonwealth Games and I arrived in Auckland and I'd left my lucky towel in Milton Keynes.
But I convinced myself for three weeks that I didn't need the towel.
- Did you do OK? - No, I did really badly.
- That's going to bring you good luck.
- Yes.
And if it doesn't, - we can make matching balaclavas out of them.
- I'd love that.
And we can sit together and cuddle up.
Probably should have washed it.
- OK, Danny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
Nowit's a tortoise.
You know I'm not a scientist, Jim, but Thanks for clarifying.
These fascinate me, these things.
I don't know if it's true or not, but I heard that their shell, you can shoot it, whack it with a hammer, it won't break it, he tucks his little nut in.
Like, you couldn't eat it, but if you flipped it open like that, it dies.
It gets all stressed out and can't deal with it.
So if a fox came along, a clever fox, and just flipped it over, give it half an hour cooking time, and then it could munch it out of a bowl.
LAUGHTER I'm hoping It's the only animal that serves itself.
I feel sorry for it, in a way, I think God's a liberty.
If he's create a creature you cannot penetrate, but if you flip it over, it's fucked.
You know, I'm fascinated by them, so that's my lucky thing.
Look at it, weird-looking thing.
Shall I just put it there, or is it going to wind people up? Yes, it's getting on my nerves.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
- What have you got? It's more of a tribute, actually.
I'd like to say goodbye to someone who's, you know, been close to me in the past.
This is a budgie that died in a taxidermy accident.
We thought he was asleep.
A big sleeper, he was always asleep.
That's why he's called Dozy.
This time it had gone on a bit too long, he was taking the piss, really.
He'd been sleeping for a good week.
But I thought that was it for Dozy.
And then, one day, I saw one of these things hovering near my window.
And I thought maybe I could give Dozy a proper send-off to make up for the times I'd neglected him.
And I thought it would be a nice tribute.
And they say to me, you can have anything you want, and I said I'd like this.
Oop! Don't panic, he's already dead.
Yeah, but dignity is important.
And I've chosen his favourite song.
So if we can have that.
MUSIC: Albatross by Fleetwood Mac Oh! All right, Joe, hold him there, hold him there.
Oh, Joe! Hold it there, guys.
That could not have gone any worse.
That was a disaster! Hang on, Rachel's picking it up with two cards.
- It's its innards.
- It is a real dead budgie, isn't it? I stuffed it in a hurry.
Put it next to the tortoise.
There you go, look, proper little pals.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE I'm not saying David O'Doherty looks like he sells The Big Issue, but if he was a card game, he'd be top tramps.
If he was running for president in America, he's be Donald Tramp.
And if your kids were jumping up and down on him in the garden, he'd be a trampoline.
At least I don't look like a vampire who'd temping, like you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David, here's a question for you.
- What's your favourite way to waste time? - I do quite a lot of that.
So I guess sports.
I'll go to sports that I don't even know the rules of.
I was in Australia and I'd go to Aussie rules.
And because I didn't have a team or know what the rules are, I'd just pick the animal mascot that would win if there was a fight.
So, if it was like the Tigers against the Kangaroos, obviously the tiger is going to ruin the kangaroo.
But then it'd be the Tigers against the Bombers, the bombers will smash the habitat of the tigers.
Then I went to a tricky one, it was the Dockers against the Blues.
And, like, who's Cos people who work down the wharf are notoriously tough.
But then depression can defeat anyone.
So, it's, er So it's a tricky situation.
OK, with David, of course, is Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie is so versatile, not only is she on TV, she's also a successful author and radio broadcaster.
So if you're a fan of watching something boring, reading something boring or hearing something boring, she's got it covered.
Susie, do you have a celebrity crush? Well, Danny, obviously.
I wouldn't say weird although he called me his weird crush famously once.
No, I deny it, there's nothing weird about you at all.
Well, you hardly know her.
- LAUGHTER - That's true.
So, yes, Danny on the one hand and then You'll laugh at this, Gabby.
But Arsene Wenger would be on the other side, probably.
I know it's a bit strange.
Sean, I think we've got a picture of Arsene Wenger.
No, he's very charming.
Yeah, they go quite well together, Arsene is incredibly clever.
Sorry, Danny.
He's very clever.
Speaks lots of languages.
And Danny is the brawn.
So I'd say two, yes, two celebrity crushes.
To be fair, it would be a mad threesome, that, wouldn't it? LAUGHTER OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel, I'm not saying there's been a mix-up in wardrobe, but whenever I see you do the numbers, I can't help but wonder if there's a girl doing Jagerbombs in a Wetherspoon's dressed as a librarian.
Lots of people would be jealous of your ability with maths, but if you could swap brains with anyone here, who would it be? I think I would have to go for Joe Wilkinson.
I wouldn't, there's a lot of dark shit up here.
Well, yeah.
I've got strong suspicions that he's been breaking the terms that the court set.
Yeah, normally Joe's over there with you, - but because of the restraining order, we had to - Yeah.
Yeah, they measured it out, they moved this back a little bit so we could get away with the programme.
You know, I'm prepared to do a bit of time.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown keytar.
OK, time for the first game.
Joe and Gabby, you get first pick of the letters.
Yeah, do you want to choose? I'm going to have a little rest.
Vowel, please.
Thank you, Gabby.
E.
Another vowel.
A Consonant.
G Another consonant.
R Another vowel, please.
O Er, a consonant.
L And another consonant.
And a vowel, please.
I And another consonant, please.
And the last one F And for the first time, here's the Countdown Clock.
THUNDERCLAP Agh! THUNDERCLAP Oh, excellent.
Bloody hell.
Gabby, how did you do? - OK, I was only six.
- Six? - Yeah.
- OK.
Joe? - Mine's six as well.
- OK.
- Sean, how many? - I only got five.
- Danny? - Seven, but I think I've spelt it wrong.
- Sean, what's yours? - GLOATS.
GLOATS, OK.
Gabby, your six? What's wrong with that? - What's wrong with what? - That's what you I think he's got seven.
All right, I added it up wrong.
- Gabby, what's your six? - TOILER.
- TOILER.
- Joe, what's yours? - GRAFTER.
GRAFTER We haven't got two Rs, I don't think.
Oh, you idiot! You gave me all that confidence.
You wrote it down.
Danny, your seven? Yeah, it's bollocks.
FREIGHTER, you know, like a freighter train.
Like a f-freighter train.
I was going to say how are you spelling that but how are you PRONOUNCING that? OK.
Six points to Gabby.
OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have done a little bit better.
Keeping with the toilet theme, we've got a few.
FOLIAGE, a seven-letter word, which is used to describe sheets of toilet paper.
- Er, GLOATER.
- It was TOILER, not TOILET.
- So it was TOILER? - TOILER, yeah.
OK, it wasn't TOILET.
And now she's got It's really ruined now.
- Sorry! - But I'll stay with it.
- Yeah.
GLOATER, which is what you do after you've toiled for a whole day.
You're happy with GLOATER.
Toiling.
And then FLOATIER is a poo that won't flush.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Joe and Gabby are in the lead with 6.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean and Danny get to pick the numbers.
- I don't like getting involved with this one.
- OK.
Two from the top and the usual recipe, please.
Thank you, two from the top and four from the bottom.
And these little ones, 4, 2, 5, 1 and the big ones, 100 and 75.
And the target - 686.
- OK, so your target is 686.
Your time starts now.
OK, Danny, I can't help but notice you did not take part in this round.
No, I don't like getting involved in it, it upsets me, I don't want anything to do with it.
- Just swerve me on this one, please.
- OK.
Sean, what did you get? The target was 686.
I got 678.
Near enough.
OK.
Joe, how did you do? Er, genuinely 600 Er667½.
OK, well, it's interesting.
Gabby, how did you do? Really not well.
I got 678 as well.
OK, how did you get 678, Gabby? I got 678 by timesing, er 9 x 75 678 + 1 + 2 How the hell do you know 9 x 75? How did you get your 9? 5 + 4 - Yeah.
- Sorry, sorry.
4 x 75 = 675 675 + 1 + 2 - Is that how YOU got it? - SEAN: Mm.
I believe you! Five points to Gabby and Sean.
Rachel, can it be done? Yeah, it was so close to that.
5 + 4 = 9 75 + 1 = 76 76 x 9 = 684 684 + 2 Aw! OK, so Sean and Danny have 5, Joe and Gabby have 11.
Yes! OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? I've got the party machine, everyone.
I thought I would do a song.
I thought Actually, tonight I've written a duet, but unfortunately I wrote it for me and Shakira.
It's great that Susie's here, so I'd like you to do your bit.
I've got some South American instruments, Susie, so when I call upon you, just percussion away.
I'll be taking care of the me and Shakira parts, so hopefully no-one will notice.
# It's a rainy night # I lie in bed # Tucked up and warm # Out of the storm # What's that? # A knock at the door # Who could it be? # I run down to see # And there, soaked to the skin # Stands A tiny woman LAUGHTER AS SHAKIRA: # Oh, David, David, prince of everything # Let me touch your sexy body # Let me feel your skin # I've travelled over oceans to get here to you # Thinking of specific things that I'd like to do # So come on, let's not waste all day I am Shakira, let's get busy LAUGHTER I'll be honest, I'm filled with questions more than anything else.
The first one being # Shakira, are you sure that you've got the right address? # Yes, I am, David # Soon your balls I will caress Ole, ole # But, Shakira, how do you even know who I am? # I watch your videos on YouTube # Your album's in my van # You have a van? # A brown Transit van # But, Shakira, don't you think # This might be some weird obsessive crush # On your part that's gone awry? # David, look at my hips They do not lie Can you do a panpipe solo? Just do a little panpipe solo.
Just do anything.
MUFFLED NOTES MUFFLED NOTES Shakira understands, having heard that.
# Now I completely see The point you're making This isn't going to work, Shakira.
# Even though my tiny Colombian heart is breaking # I'll walk away-ey-ey # And you forever, miss # Please don't ever tell Anyone about this I say, "No, of course not, Shakira.
"Maybe just this one time on Countdown.
" Hit that.
LAUGHTER CHEERING Susie Dent there on the panpipes, with David O'Doherty.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GIRTH FAN, the clue is - makes me think of Grandma.
That's GIRTH FAN - makes me think of Grandma.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back! The answer to the teaser.
The words were GIRTH FAN.
The clue was, makes me think of grandma.
It was, of course, FARTHING.
So, Joe and Gabby are in the lead.
They have been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Danny and Joe.
So, I mean, no winners, really.
Danny, your turn to choose the letters.
A couple of vowels, please.
- Thank you, Danny.
- JOE: Shall we just do three? - You what? - Shall we just do three? Three letters, that's all.
- I am up for that.
- Give us a consonant.
- C.
- JOE: Yeah, that'll do! Another consonant, then.
One more, see what happens.
JOE: There were go.
- T.
- JOE: Shit, there's nothing there.
- SEAN: Yes, there is.
- GABBY: CUTE.
If we can get an N, that would be lovely.
I.
Another consonant, please.
Ooh! Come on, no-one cares.
We just want an N! - Give us a couple of vowels.
- Not a vowel! Give us another vowel and one more consonant.
If we get an N, I've got a seven.
Don't want to do it now.
And your time starts now.
IRISH LINE DANCING MUSIC APPLAUSE I miss it so much! - OK, Danny, how many? - I got seven.
- What?! OK, Joe, how did you do? - I got six.
- What was your six? - BATHER.
- It's ironic you would have BATHER! - What is your seven, then? - 'AIRCUT.
APPLAUSE HAIRCUT, you didn't even need the H! Seven points to Danny Dyer.
David, Susie, could they have done any better than seven? No, seven was the best, I have to say.
- OK, Sean, what are you up to? - SUSIE: Oh, no! What are you doing? Well, I don't just have one dead bird This one died in what I can only describe as suspicious circumstances.
I was gardening.
That is all I'm saying.
As he died, he looked me in the eye and said, "One more flight.
" - "That is all I want.
" - He said that? I was just about to chuck him over a wall And I saw one of these coming past.
You are very good at these.
I thought, I will go on a course, get proficient and if we can have the music, please, to set the mood.
# Lean on me When you're not strong The final flight.
See you, you rancid piece of vermin blessed with flight! APPLAUSE Wow! OK, at the end of that, Joe and Gabby have 11.
Sean and Danny have 12.
Right, now time for Sean and Gabby to go head-to-head.
Gabby, your turn to pick the numbers.
Rachel, can you choose the numbers, please? I will go for the Sean special, the two from the top and four little.
Four little 8, 9, 5, 2.
And the big ones, 25 and 100.
- And the target is 240.
- OK, your time starts now.
- OK, the target was 240.
Gabby, did you get it? - No, I got 245.
245, five away.
Sean, did you get it? - Yeah, I got 241.
- 241.
- How did you get 241? - 2 + 8 = 10.
- Times 25.
- 250.
- Minus 9.
- Well done.
- Get hold of that! Rachel, could it be done? - Yes, DOD may have it.
- Go ahead, DOD.
Get involved.
- Do you want the pen and everything? - Look at his tiny legs.
It will take awhile.
So, the key to it is staying within the grid.
100 Have you given me a shit pen?! - There you go.
- Thank you.
It's all going to pot over here.
5 x 8 is 40 giving us 240.
Whoa.
- Gabby is very cross.
- I did nine fives instead of eight sides.
So she punched me! I'm starting to question how lucky that towel really is.
OK, Joe and Gabby have 11, Sean and Danny have 19.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? I mean this is a poignant evening for me because I love this show, I love it but this is the last time I'm ever going to be on it because this time next year I will be huge.
Way too big for this tiny nerd bullshit! This time next year there won't be a venue capable of holding my crowd.
I'll do gigs from a hot-air balloon over the centre of the country with the loud-hailer and Dyson hoovering up money.
This time next year my fragrance will be everywhere, Boner Owner odour by David O'Doherty.
That is what it's called.
Boner Owner.
That's the ad.
This time next year I will be a real arsehole.
I'm not too bad now.
Ask me how I am, Susie.
This is me right now.
Ask me how I am.
- David, how are you? - I'm good, thank you.
That's me now.
Let's wind the clock forward a year and see how I have changed.
- This is this time next year.
Danny, ask me how I am? - How are you? Go fuck yourself, leave me alone! This time next year Kanye West will describe people as having gone a bit O'Doherty.
This time next when we come back here just to shoot a documentary about how shit my career used to be This time next year but the year after next I will be back here again.
It will all work out.
This is as big as this gets.
"Please producers have me back on the show!" And you will all be like, ahhhhhh! Like the former X factor finalist's first day back at Tesco.
And everyone is like, ahhhhh! "We knew you would be back because your music is shit!" "For first job, can you shovel copies of your own CD into the "crusher because nobody will ever want it?" This time next year and the year after next but in the meantime, it's a delight to be here.
David O'Doherty! The scores at the moment, Joe and Gabby have 11.
Sean and Danny are in the lead with 19.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NIPS RISE.
The clue is, that gives me an idea.
NIPS RISE, that gives me an idea.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser: The words were NIPS RISE.
The clue was, that gives me an idea.
It was of course, INSPIRES.
OK, before we get on with the game, time for a quick bonus round.
A chance for our teams to win some extra point.
In honour of the great Danny Dyer, we've got a quiz all about Danny.
LAUGHTER so I've got some questions, Danny, you'll be able to provide the answers.
LAUGHTER OK.
So, the first question in the Danny Dyer quiz - can you guess the missing word in this tweet? LAUGHTER What do you think the missing word is? You know when it pisses right through, though, right onto the plate? You know what I'm saying? Proper pissing through.
That's a crumpet.
That's how you eat a crumpet in my house.
OK, so what do you think the missing word is? Ballet? Ballet.
You think he's watching ballet? OK.
Joe? I put Taggart.
- OK, Sean? - Question Time.
Danny, what was the answer? It's Question Time, yeah.
- Is it?! - Yeah.
- The answer is Question Time.
APPLAUSE GABBY: They know Danny so well! SEAN: And also, he wants to know what's going on.
Have you ever been on Question Time, Danny? No, no, they won't have me on there, for some reason.
I've no idea why.
I'll tell you why.
Bunch of slags.
LAUGHTER OK, next question.
What's the missing word in this tweet? Easy, this one, easy.
It's obvious.
OK, Gabby, what have you written down? Baps.
If we didn't have baps, we could never enjoy eating a sandwich.
OK.
Joe? I put a mouth.
APPLAUSE You make a strong case.
Sean? Chairs.
You can't eat a sandwich standing up.
Danny, what was the answer? Thumbs.
SEAN: Half a point, half a point! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Because if you didn't have any thumbs, you'd be fucked.
How would you hold it? - No, quite right.
- And I'm glad you shared that with the nation! OK, question number three in the Danny Dyer bonus quiz.
This is an interesting fact about Danny.
Why does Danny think he's middle-class? OK? So, why does Danny believe, incorrectly, that he's middle-class? LAUGHTER Don't want to be fucking middle-class.
- Well, you thought you were.
- Well, I was for about a half-hour.
Why does Danny believe he is middle-class? Gabby? Because he has thumbs.
- Joe? - I've put, cos he's got a pull-out dining room table.
- Sean, what have you got? - Small telly.
- He thinks he's middle-class because he has a small telly? - Yes.
Or a big telly? The more money you've got, the bigger telly.
No, there's a certain point at which you go posh and you just have a little telly.
- SEAN: Yeah.
- What the fuck? LAUGHTER Danny, why did you believe yourself to be middle-class? Because my wife bought cinnamon=scented toilet paper once.
So So I was wiping me arse, and me arse smelt of cinnamon.
So I thought I thought that was quite middle-class.
I kept getting a little hint of it now and then, a little twang of it.
- I thought, oh, yeah.
- LAUGHTER They do any other flavours, like Marmite? "Flavours?" I like the oxtail soup one.
OK, well, Sean, you won the quiz, so that's five bonus points to you.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH OK, on with the game.
Joe and Gabby, your turn to choose the letters.
Erm Consonant, please.
Thank you, Joe.
N And then could I have a vowel, please.
I Consonant, please.
R And a vowel.
E Consonant.
C Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
D Consonant, please.
L DAVID: It's IRELAND! It's nearly IRELAND! LAUGHTER SEAN: What do we need? What do we need? It's there.
It's IRELAND.
It's there.
- It's there! - IRELAND's there.
Get the dancers back out! APPLAUSE I'll have a consonant, please.
And the last one - R - All I can see is bloody IRELAND now.
OK, your time startsnow.
OK.
Joe, how many? I just I could only - I could only see IRELAND.
- LAUGHTER - OK, Gabby, how did you do? - Seven.
- Seven? - Wow, very good.
- Pretty good.
I don't know if mine is a real word.
OK.
Sean, how many did you get? Six.
- Danny? - I only got a four.
What was your four? LEAN Could have put a C on the front.
CLEAN.
Bollocks.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Sean, your six? - CRADLE SUSIE: (It is in there.
) CRADLE Gabby, your risky seven? Go on, do it.
CRADLER Oh, that's lovely! That's not a word.
Surely not.
- Yeah, someone who cradles.
- That's the stewards, that is.
Susie, we're going to require a stewards' enquiry.
Yeah, it's not there, Gabby.
- DANNY: Ahhh! - Ohhh! Dammit.
What about IRELAND? LAUGHTER Because when people play, like, games with nets, and they're cradling the ball, like in lacrosse, you cradle the ball.
- Would they not be a CRADLER? - SUSIE: Yeah, it's That's the example of cradling a ball you can think of? LAUGHTER OK.
Six points to Sean.
- APPLAUSE - Go on, my son.
Go on, my old son.
David, Susie, I look to you.
Yeah, there's sevens.
There is CARRIED, which is a seven-letter.
CARLINE, which is a - Thistle.
- A thistle, Of course.
My favourite of all the thistles.
And then, RANDIER is when you're more randy than someone else.
Like, if there's two people called Randy, but one of them is even more American.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Danny are in the lead with 30 points.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH I'm going to get a nine later.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are TOSS RACE.
The clue is, don't leave any stains.
That's TOSS RACE - don't leave any stains.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TOSS RACE, the clue was don't leave any stains, it was, of course, COASTERS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Danny, your turn to choose the letters.
- Right.
- You do it, mate.
Joe, Gabby, you need a nine-letter word here to do this.
Nine letters, we double the score, you get 18 and you're back in the game.
That's all of them, innit? All of them in a different order.
LAUGHTER I was that close, I was that close.
- Vowel, please.
- Starting with E Consonant, please.
Vowel.
O Consonant.
X Ah, for fu Get rid of the X, get rid of the X.
No-one likes the X.
Didn't happen.
Consonant, please.
W Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
LAUGHTER Consonant.
JOE LAUGHS Consonant, please, Rachel.
H Consonant, please.
L - And I'll have a vowel, please.
- And the last one A OK and your 30 seconds starts now.
Ahhh! LAUGHTER Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
JIMMY GROANS RACHEL YELLS LAUGHTER Sorry, Rachel.
APPLAUSE Sorry.
OK, Danny, how many? Eh, five.
Sean, how many? Just sixes.
- Joe? - Nine.
LAUGHTER - OK, Gabby? - Five.
I thought I had a nine but there's just an E missing.
OK, Gabby, what did you get? LATHE - OK, Danny? - WHEAT.
- WHEAT? - Yeah.
OK, Sean, your six? WATTLE Mm, this thing.
- That's good.
- Which I'm getting.
OK, Joe, your nine-letter word? It is risky.
LAUGHTER ETOWHATLA LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, Joe.
- How are you spelling that, Joe? - It's how it sounds.
- Ah.
- It's phonetic.
- E-T-O-W Oh, is there a W? Yeah, there's a W.
I thought there wasn't a W there for a second.
LAUGHTER Hang on, hang on! She's just skipped one.
Go at it with the pen cam.
There is, I think, one there.
LAUGHTER OK, six points to Sean.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.
Could they have done any better, David, Susie? - No, I think six was - Yeah.
WATTLE is good.
OK, so Joe and Gabby have 11, Sean and Danny have 36.
11's my lucky number.
APPLAUSE Oh! OK, what have we got to do now? OK, you've got to just get the conundrum.
BOTH: Oh! I can't do the c It genuinely makes me feel seasick.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time starts now.
BELL Oh, piss off.
LAUGHTER SUFFERING - GABBY: Oh! - APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if you're right.
CHEERING Four seconds in.
Well played, Gabby.
So the final scores are Gabby and Joe have 11 points but the winners, with an incredible 46, Sean and Danny! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown keytar! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE