8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s10e01 Episode Script
Stephen Mangan, Noel Fielding, Fay Ripley
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Noel Fielding, Stephen Mangan, Fay Ripley, the Brett Domino Trio, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, for your host, Jimmy Carr CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, a recent survey revealed people who speak more than one language are considered more attractive? Unless, of course, that language is Klingon.
98% of the atoms in your body are replaced every year, and if you're from Middlesbrough, what they're replaced with is the ingredients of Greggs steak bake.
And "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
It can be used in phrases such as, "will.
I.
am is shit.
" Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Sean has a reputation for being grumpy, but in my experience that simply isn't the case.
It doesn't matter if he's watching a kitten drown, listening to a child cry or watching an earthquake on the news, there is sure to be a smile on Sean's face.
Now, joining Sean tonight is Stephen Mangan! Stephen provided the voice for the Postman Pat movie.
I saw it and was shocked.
It involved more licking, stamping and stuffing big packages into tiny slots than any film since Fifty Shades Of Grey.
That's also the childhood a child's icon you've just besmirched with your filth.
- You were the voice of postman Pat? - Yeah.
Did you create a back story for him? Yeah, because he was in a TV series before the film.
Stephen, who did you take over from? Who was the voice in the telly show? - Well, a very unhappy man.
- Clearly.
Just wondering how he feels about it all.
Well, I look at it like Bond, really.
You move on.
There's different Bonds.
No-one gets upset.
- There's different Pats? - There's different Pats.
Idris Elba's going to be the next Postman Pat.
OK.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Noel Fielding! Noel's every girl's dream, if what that girl is dreaming of is a 40-something Goth crow.
You look like a clown that's gone bad.
I thought I'd just go a bit casual, you know? Because I know you always go very neat, like you've been carved out of balsawood.
The weird thing about you, Jim, is, you always looked like an accountant, which is so ironic.
Yeah.
OK, Noel's team-mate, Fay Ripley.
Yes! Fay recently starred in a revival of '90s sitcom Cold Feet.
Cold Feet is very much like James Nesbitt's hair - it was around in the '90s, it completely disappeared and now it's back again.
- Fay, this is your first time on the show.
- Yes.
- Are you a Countdown fan? Yes, I'm a big fan.
We watch it as a family, but I don't really, actually do the game.
Right, so you just watch it and then you don't bother joining in? Not really, no.
The other disadvantage will be, of course, you're with Noel.
How very dare you? Yeah, we're going to do really well.
I am a world-beating dyslexic and a number simpleton.
I'm imagining I'll be amazing at this game.
Are you a real dyslexic? As opposed to Do you mean, were his parents middle class or is he proper stupid? Pretend dyslexic.
But the numbers thing is good, then, if you're dyslexic, no? - No way.
- Oh, well.
OK.
Noel, you're pretty rock and roll, and Countdown isn't.
How would you make this show more kind of cool? Hmm.
Don't know.
The desks could be on fire, or something.
Different host.
I probably wouldn't have the Riddler from Batman on it every week.
Other than that, I'd have the audience facing the wrong way.
OK.
Sean, if you were to compete in a beauty pageant, what would your talent to be? But they don't have them any more, do they, because they're a sort of sexist, antiquated form of television, - and we don't take them seriously in this country, do we? - No.
But in some countries, like Venezuela, they're the national sport.
Beauty pageants.
That's, like, the national That's what they basically train for.
They take it really seriously.
- Brazil as well.
- Kidnapping, yeah.
Um One thing I would be good at, I would like to mix a beauty pageant with Crufts.
Do you know that dog agility test they do, - when they run through all those - Oh, yes.
They go through the little tunnels and round and round and round? - Yeah.
- And you got up a see-saw? - Yeah.
Weirdly, I'm really good at that.
I've beaten a collie.
I'm rubbish at an assault course, but you put me on a dog agility test In a bikini? .
.
I'm phenomenal, and I don't even need a treat at the end.
Good.
Stephen, you've spent some time in Hollywood recently.
- Do you ever get starstruck? - I do, yeah.
Whenever you meet any of your heroes, it's always very exciting.
Who did you meet? My worst encounter Because I'm normally quite shy when I meet people I revere, and I happened to be in New York at a screening that Robert De Niro was at, and I said I'm going over.
I love Robert De Niro, I'm going to go over, I girded my loins, I marched up to him, and I said, "Hello, I'm Robert De Niro.
" And he said, "No.
I'm Robert De Niro.
" That was pretty much it.
I've worked with Robert De Niro.
Oh, did you introduce yourself as Robert De Niro? I didn't.
I was a corpse in Frankenstein, - and him and Branagh did a scene over my body.
- Who? Branagh? - Kenneth.
Ken.
- Look at you, just dropping Branagh in.
And I was dead.
And they did their scene, and then it went, "Cut!" And then he tapped me on my shoulder and went, "How was that?" And he asked for my notes, and I don't think he expected me to give them, but I did.
Because I was basically a dead extra and I went, "I think you should maybe do it a bit slower and clearer, "because I didn't really understand what you said.
" Anyway, I was cut from the film.
- That is true.
- Stephen, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot, yes.
I have Mister T.
That's my mascot.
Mister T is the treasured cuddly toy of my middle son, Frank, and he absolutely adores him, and Frank and Mister are inseparable.
When you say your middle son, is that, like, not your favourite, but not your least favourite? Yeah, basically.
The two of them are never parted, and in order to get him out the house, I had to nick him because Frank would freak out.
In fact, what time is it now? Yeah, the panic will be setting in right about now, I think.
But I wanted a mascot, so tough luck, Frank.
Icy fingers of anxiety will be gripping his six-year-old heart, as we speak.
But, hey, he's not five any more.
He needs to grow up.
Fay, have you got a mascot? Oh, well, I do.
Look, when I get nervous and need calming down, I bake, and so I thought You know, it's very therapeutic, baking.
Do you bake? I bake when I'm angry, when I'm jealous.
I bake sometimes when I'm maybe sexy.
Feeling a bit sexy, you know? You bake when you're angry and when you're sexy? If your husband gets home and you're baking, he's like, "This could go either way!" Yeah, yeah.
But, anyway, it relaxes me.
So I thought, "Let's do it.
"Let's do it.
" - OK.
- I'm feeling better already.
STEPHEN: What are you making? I'm making a cake.
I'm making a cake.
- Sometimes you have to sort of improvise.
- That's quite vague.
I recognise that noise.
I think my girlfriend's into baking.
Ah! All of us girls are.
- So, anyway, I thought, what the hell? Make a cake - In a microwave? At some point At some point, I'm going to make it.
It'll be fine.
- All right.
- I'll let you know when it's ready.
I look forward to seeing your cake later on.
OK.
Noel, have you got a mascot? - I've got a knitted mascot of myself.
There you go.
- Ooh! Woollen Noel.
- Wow! - I know.
A fan knitted this for me.
Sorry, hold up the head.
It's really good.
It's QUITE good.
It's not REALLY good! - Will that bring you luck, do you think? - I'm not sure.
There are some weird features to this doll, I'm going to be honest with you.
That's quite a weird feature.
No! - No.
- I know.
- Did they Is this - Wow.
Did a fan genuinely make that? Yeah.
What, you think I made it myself?! The fella that made it Have you met him? Is he a nice bloke? Yeah, he's all right, yeah.
He's a builder.
You know, I liked it and then I went, "What's happening? Ohhh "Quite weird now.
" I just threw it in the spare room and thought I never need see that again, until you phoned up and said you have to bring a mascot, and I went, "Yes.
" Woollen penis comes in at last.
- I'll put him face down, right.
- OK.
Sean, do you have a mascot? I don't have a mascot as such, but as we all know, today is a very special day.
It's, of course, National Bring Your Nephew to Work Day.
So I've brought my nephew in.
I'd like you to welcome my nephew.
Sean's nephew.
All right? Could you tell us a little bit about your nephew, Sean? What's his name? Donny.
There you are, Donny.
Wave to everyone.
Lovely little fella, isn't he? I used to bounce him on my knee, I remember that.
Whose child is Donny? Oh, he's one of the You know Nobody really wants to claim him.
I've got a few nephews.
One of them's in the Kings Of Leon.
He's done very well, hasn't he? He's got a vineyard and a Lear jet.
And you've got nothing, really, have you? I just thought it'd be good to bring him in to show somebody show him what a proper day's work's like.
Cos he's a lazy little twat.
By the way, don't look him in the eye.
Don't Don't make eye contact with him, he'll stalk you.
It's the only thing he's any good at.
Stalking.
And he's fucking good at it.
Undetected on gravel.
He can just glide across gravel.
- Don't - I know! - He can see through frosted glass, that's his main He's very good with letters cos he has to do the little letters he sends.
OK, Sean's nephew, everyone.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's the Brett Domino Trio.
APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio have an incredibly dedicated following.
By which I mean, they're being monitored very closely by the police.
Shall we respond, or? LAUGHTER Brett, could you talk us through the outfits? What was your inspiration? Well, it's my mum's idea, to be honest.
She watched the show last time we were on it, when we were just wearing these.
She said we looked visually underwhelming.
So she just said you need to make more of an impact.
So I just nipped down the local Top Man and picked these out.
- You've still got the tag in that one.
- Hm? - You've still got the tag.
- We only got them about an hour ago.
Don't take it off, you can return those.
Why would I want to? OK.
And with the Brett Domino Trio is of course Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie doesn't really enjoy being famous and goes to great lengths to avoid being recognised.
For example, when she's in her car, she wears sunglasses and a hat so the other doggers don't know it's her.
Susie, we all like a good euphemism.
Would you give us one? Um, I like Victorian euphemisms.
Going to the loo in Victorian times was "going to the spice island" which I quite like, or "visiting Mistress Jones".
And these are all bodily functions, as you'd imagine, with Victorians.
My favourite was the one you said on screen the other day - about getting a haircut.
- What was that one? Getting your rug trimmed.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I say these things, I don't realise what I'm saying and Rachel fills me in afterwards.
- I walked into that one.
- Does she? That sounds terrific fun.
And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel has a Masters degree in maths from Oxford University.
Frankly, using her for the maths on Countdown is like using the Large Hadron Collider as a water slide.
Rachel, if you had to go into space with anyone on the show this evening, who would it be? I actually interviewed Tim Peake just before he went to space, and he said the thing about it is, cos it's claustrophobic and agoraphobic at the same time, it can send some people completely mental.
So I think, out of these people, I'd go with Sean cos he's already at that level.
Yeah, and I wouldn't get freaked out, cos what's the big deal? I mean, oh, I'm in space! Same shit, different view.
Good choice, Rachel, well played.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown pottery wheel.
# Oh, my love # My darling I hunger for your touch OK, let's count down, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Sean and Stephen, you get this first pick of the letters.
A vowel, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Sean.
I A consonant.
Consonant, please.
B Vowel.
E Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
M And another consonant.
P A vowel.
E Another consonant.
And the last one, N.
For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Sean, how many? No, you can't go to the toilet.
I've got seven.
Seven.
Stephen, what have you got? Two.
Two.
OK.
And Noel? - I've got six, I can't believe it.
- Six.
Fay, what have you got? I thought we'd won on his six.
I had a bunch of fours.
OK, Stephen, what was your two? BE Fay, your four? MEAT, ITEM OK.
Noel, your six? BEATEN - BEATEN.
- That was good.
- It's a good six.
Solid.
Sean, your seven? MATINEE Good word.
- You got MATINEE, did you? - Yeah.
- Excellent.
I got BEATEN and MATINEE.
I'm just interested, what did your nephew say to you during the? He wants to go to the toilet.
I told him, you know, wait till the interval, when there's a break, - he can go to the toilet.
- OK.
Seven points to Sean.
Nice word.
OK, now, the Brett Domino Trio, Susie, could they have done better? Yeah, you could have hand AMBIENT, as well, but seven was tops.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Stephen are in the lead with seven.
How come he's really good at this? You've just brought in a spy.
Just cos I'm the only one who took the trouble and the effort to bring a nephew in.
So, Sean, just a super-quick thing.
Without looking at Donny, I'd like you, on the count of three, to name Donny's mum.
Super-simple, just for me.
He's adopted.
You bastard! How dare you?! Sorry.
Sorry, Donny.
I will say this for Donny, he's quite a heavy breather, isn't he? OK, on to our first numbers round.
Noel, you get first pick of the numbers.
Two big ones, four small ones.
- Four little ones? - Yeah.
Come on, we can do this, Noel.
Right, little ones, you've got 3, 5, 6 and 8 Just write them down, Noel, just a little tip.
And the big ones - 50 and 75.
And the target - 534.
OK, your target is 534 and your time starts now.
Yeah, we're hoping to get down there at Christmas.
ButI'm going to come on Boxing Day because Gladys has, um she's got Oh, sorry, you've finished, have you? What's going on? What was Donny saying? We were just chatting about next Christmas.
Cos I did it, then had a little chat with him.
He was feeling lonely cos you had a go at him.
- OK.
Sean, did you get it? - Yeah, yeah.
Stephen, did you get it? Not on the dot, no.
How close did you get? I got 539.
- OK, Noel, did you get it? - No.
Noel, what did you say while it was happening? That music's not helping.
LAUGHTER No, it was the fact he was having a conversation with his nephew.
I was trying to concentrate.
Look at you, you're like the Proclaimers.
See? Family! Thank you.
Like a family resemblance.
Family resemblance, yeah.
- You two do look a little bit - We're related, Jimmy, - we're bloody related, he's my nephew.
- Fay, did you get it? I got 531, I think.
531, so just three away.
But it's I'm pleased with it.
I'm glad that you're thrilled.
I'm your guest, you should be glad.
Normally, people are glad when they get it right.
- Yes.
- Not when they're a few away.
- Right.
- But I like the fact - This is a good start.
- It is, actually.
- Shows promise.
- OK, Sean, how did you do it? You get 5, take 3 away, it leaves you with 2, doesn't it, Rachel? - Yeah.
- Then you take that 2 off the 75, what have you got, Rachel? - 73, Sean.
- Yes.
Well, what would you do with that? I'd times it by 8.
- Good play.
- Oh, no No way! There's no way that happened.
- What does that leave, Rachel? - You're 50 away, Sean.
- Yeah, only 50 away.
- Oh, we've got a 50.
Why don't you take it off? Ahbullshit! Sometimes, you can just see it.
It just Who is he? Donny! Look, if you've got a problem with my nephew I have, a little bit.
I'm imagining, if I saw a picture of you two in the paper and it said, "paedophile and victim", I wouldn't know which was which.
Donny, why don't you go and get yourself some crisps? They don't trust you, Donny.
Sorry about these people, they cynical, they've worked in television a long time, so, er Thanks for coming on, I'll see you later.
Just stay in my dressing room.
APPLAUSE Lovely lad.
OK, so at the end of that, Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 17.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NEON PISS, the clue - my grandma gets it once a week.
That's NEON PISS - my grandma gets it once a week.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the tease, the words were NEON PISS, the clue was - my grandma gets it once a week, it was, of course, PENSIONS.
LAUGHTER So, Sean and Stephen are in the lead.
Fay, how's the cake coming along? - DING - Hang on.
Hello.
I think we're ready.
Oh, here we go.
LAUGHTER Oh, lovely.
APPLAUSE What kind of cake is it? It's just sort of a classic Victoria sponge in the middle, it's just something I knocked up there.
- LAUGHTER - Just to put me at ease.
Can we try some of the cake that you just made? - LAUGHTER - All right, let's see.
I forgot that I put a ribbon on it.
Hang on.
LAUGHTER I'm thinking that was already in the microwave.
LAUGHTER Look at that.
As I said, a Victoria sponge.
Do not throw it in my face.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE IT'S all about the presentation.
- Oh.
- Good? - Yeah.
- Cake cures everything.
- Moist? - Yeah, I'm liking it.
LAUGHTER That's delicious.
There's a lot of Rohypnol in that cake, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER Did Susie put you up to this? LAUGHTER Not again, Susie, not again.
LAUGHTER You're going to wake up with your strings in a tangle.
LAUGHTER OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Noel, so Sean will win.
Noel, your turn to choose the letters.
- LAUGHTER - We'll have a vowel first.
- O.
- Quick, write them down, then.
Another vowel.
- This is just - I'm not playing.
- She's not playing.
- Oh.
It's you versus Sean on this.
It's a head-to-head.
Oh, it's me and you? Me and the Riddler? LAUGHTER You versus the Riddler, yes.
I'll just freak him out.
Let's have all vowels.
LAUGHTER Vowel.
LAUGHTER O It's going to be hard not to just say vowel every time.
LAUGHTER Vowel.
LAUGHTER E Go on, then, consonant.
- Z.
- Ooh.
LAUGHTER - Wow.
- JIMMY LAUGHS - Got another one.
That's no use.
- L.
- Oh, dear.
Vowel.
- LAUGHTER I.
Consonant.
P.
WHISPERING: Consonant.
Consonant.
R.
That is the worst selection of letters we've ever had.
LAUGHTER And your time starts Now.
BEEPING CAR ENGINE LAUGHTER BEEPING TENNIS SOUNDS LAUGHTER BEEPING MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones LAUGHTER LAUGHTER This is amazing.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Noel, what have you got? Oh, God, it's so That was hard.
- Four, that's rubbish.
- Four.
OK.
Sean, how did you do? - Five.
- Noel, what was your word? POLE And what was your five? PROLE PROLE.
Susie's nodding with confidence.
A member of the proletariat.
Yeah, absolutely fine.
Well, five points to Sean.
APPLAUSE That was hard, wasn't it? I had POOER.
LAUGHTER No POOER.
LOOPER? LOOPIER! Yeah, exactly, you could get that for seven.
So, the Brett Domino Trio, Susie, then.
Was LOOPIER the best? LOOPIER was best, yes, for seven.
OK, so at the end of that, Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 22.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now, time for Stephen and Fay to go head-to-head.
Stephen, your turn to pick the numbers.
Yes, I'll go two big and the rest small, please.
Two large, four little, again.
And this time, your numbers are 3, 9, 1, another 9, 100, and 50.
And the target is 727.
OK.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER - Stephen, did you get it? - Nope.
- Fay? Did you get it? - I'm two off.
You're two off? So I'm one off.
I'm one off, I think.
What did you get? LAUGHTER And you think that's one away from 727? LAUGHTER How did you get 724? Justtalk us through that.
Let's do that.
100 x 9.
100 x 9.
= 900.
- (3 x 50), - which is 150.
- Yeah.
- = 750.
- It does.
- 27, which I got, which was 3 x 9.
How many times are you using that three? As many as you want, yeah? LAUGHTER I can see what's happened here.
LAUGHTER I got to 750.
You might as well take the 9 off, now you're there.
Yeah, well, I'm there.
I'll take the 9 and the 1 off.
- STEPHEN: I got closer than 750.
- Oh, did you? Yeah.
You said you were one off.
LAUGHTER I was when there was two threes.
LAUGHTER Rachel, could it be done? I only got to one away.
What?! You didn't get it? LAUGHTER - No.
- But it's your only job! LAUGHTER Literally, it's your only job, Rachel, that's a disgrace.
Donnie! LAUGHTER I'm going to sit I'm going to do some homework for a bit, and I'll come back.
This is what we do on real Countdown.
- SEAN: What, you cheat? - LAUGHTER No, you go I'll sit with it, and I'll torture myself until I've got it.
LAUGHTER I think it's back to the dancing for Rachel.
LAUGHTER Just a disgrace! OK, so Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 22.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across, now, to Dictionary Corner and Brett Domino Trio.
What have you got for us? Last time we were on the show, we did a song, we were trying to include as many nine-letter words as we could.
Went down a storm.
LAUGHTER Very well-received.
So we thought we'd try and repeat that success, but this time, I'm going to write a song that is using exclusively three-letter words.
- LAUGHTER - I don't understand.
Tell you what, I'll put the lyrics up on there, then you can see - how many letters they've got.
- Right.
- They've all got three.
LAUGHTER She had one job LAUGHTER # She ran The Old Dog The pub LAUGHTER But not now she not LAUGHTER # Why Cos she too hot LAUGHTER She fit LAUGHTER # I've I've got one job too LAUGHTER # It's not too bad But bin men get sad LAUGHTER # Any one can see She the one for me-e LAUGHTER # But how can one ask her out # All I can say he it's LAUGHTER # Did you put the bin out - # For the bin guy # - LAUGHTER # It's all I ask # Did you put the bin out # For the bin guy It's all bin men ask LAUGHTER # It's bin day # Did you put the bin out # Please say yes Yes, you put the bin out LAUGHTER # All I can ask her Did she put her bin out for the bin guy? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, everyone! I was wondering if I could try to keep my job.
Yeah, so, 727.
Could it be done? Yes, it could be done, yes.
LAUGHTER If you say 9-1 = 8 x 50 = 400 and then 100 + 9 = 109 x 3 = 327 And add them together.
APPLAUSE Rachel Riley.
Rachel Riley.
Come on.
The scores at the moment, Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 22.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are I LOVE SAC, and the clue is - and I'm not afraid to say it.
LAUGHTER That's I LOVE SAC and I'm not afraid to say it.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were I LOVE SAC.
The clue was - and I'm not afraid to say it.
It was, of course, VOCALISE.
OK, before we get on with the game, a bonus round.
Tonight, we've got two of the country's finest comedic actors with us, so we're going to test everyone's acting ability.
I'm going to get both teams to perform a scene from a blockbuster movie.
Best acting gets the points, OK? Noel and Fay, you go first.
I've got scripts for you there.
I've got some props for you.
You're going to be performing a scene from Twilight.
LAUGHTER Fay, you're going to be Bella.
Noel, you're going to be Edward.
- Are these for me? - Yeah, you'll need those.
OK.
How's that? Or you can do Deirdre from Corrie, if you'd rather.
- OK, here's a script.
- There you go.
And take it away, Edward and Bella.
You're impossibly fast and strong.
Your skin is pale white and ice cold.
You never eat or drink anything, you don't go into the sunlight.
How old are you? I know what you are.
Say it.
- Out - HE CHUCKLES Out loud.
Say it.
A vampire.
Are you afraid? No.
Not even of Jimmy? LAUGHTER That's because you believe only the lies.
The camouflage.
Camouflage - virtually impossible with that.
Bella, everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, my smell.
I'm designed to kill.
I don't care.
I trust you.
Don't.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bella and Edward, everyone.
- Wow.
- Wow.
OK, Sean and Stephen, you're going to be doing a scene from Diamonds Are Forever.
Sean, you'll be playing James Bond, of course.
Stephen, you'll be playing the Bond girl.
There are some scripts and some props for you.
That's probably for you.
LAUGHTER OK, with a scene from Diamonds Are Forever, take it away.
Hi.
I'm Plenty.
Well, of course you are.
Plenty O'Toole.
Named after your father.
Perhaps? Would you like some help? On the craps, I mean.
That's very kind of you.
LAUGHTER I'll take the full odds on the 10 and 200 on the hard way.
So you've played this game before What accent am I doing? You've played this game be I went to RADA.
So you've played this game before.
Just once.
You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts.
You know something? You're a terrific guy.
A little weird, but a terrific guy.
Say, why don't we go some place and have a drink? A drink? Hmmm.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean and Stephen there.
I like the way you took off that wig like, "It was me all along.
" OK, so at the end of the acting challenge, I tell you the points go to Noel and Fay.
APPLAUSE Well done.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, really good.
And there were There were 22 points on offer there, so you're now level.
Let's kick on with the game.
OK, Sean and Stephen, your turn to choose the letters.
- Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
- 22? How can they have 22? - Look at that.
- Because the acting challenge was 22 points.
- No, it's not.
- The Riddler's fuming.
Look at him.
Well, they did, they forgot to bring their nephew, was it? Well, if you wouldn't mind picking the letters, please, gentlemen.
Vowel.
Consonant.
Vowel.
Consonant.
Vowel.
Vowel.
Vowel.
Consonant.
A, N U, S LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
N Oh.
LAUGHTER Come on.
Consonant.
D Consonant.
Oh.
- RACHEL: Oh, my God.
- SEAN: Vowel.
E - There you go.
- Anus and see.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Sean.
How many? Five.
Five.
Stephen? - Six.
- Noel? - Five.
- Fay? Five.
Fay, your slightly depressing five? SUDAN Can we have countries? No.
Capitalised, I'm afraid.
Noel, your five? SANDS.
It's up there already, look.
Just say what you see, Jimmy.
OK, Sean, your five? ANUSES Well, you said five, but I think you meant six.
Stephen, what have you got? I got SAUNAS.
- Yeah.
- Well, six points to Stephen.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better than ANUSES? They could, yes.
They could have had SUNDAES, as in ice creams.
- Oh.
- Ah.
- SUNDAES.
- OK.
The scores at the moment, Noel and Fay have 22, Sean and Stephen have 28.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner and the Brett Domino Trio.
What have you got for us? Em, I'm a hit maker by trade.
As you probably know, I make pop music, so we'd like to do a bit of a song inspired by someone in this room, so just going to sing it.
- Justover there.
- I'll stay here.
You stay and play the keyboard, yes.
Oh.
I'm just going to take my jacket off.
It's like a full charisma bypass, isn't it? Cue the music.
UP-TEMPO TRACK PLAYS Listen.
# Mathematics ain't my strong point # But I can see that you're a straight ten # Yeah, sure, you're no Vorderman # But these others, I'm bored of them # Except for maybe Susie Dent # No doubt that I'm being euphemistic # It's you plus me # Yeah, here's an equation # Baby, I'm no good with numbers Yeah, I just want yours KAZOO INTERLUDE # Work it like Pythagoras # Are you hungry? I'm ravenous # I could make you feel fabulous # Yeah, I'm no good with numbers And I just want yours.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, everyone.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are BUTT RISE.
The clue is - I'm incredibly moved.
That's BUTT RISE, I'm incredibly moved See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were BUTT RISE, the clue was - I'm incredibly moved.
It was of course TRIBUTES.
LAUGHTER OK, time for our final letters game.
- Noel and Fay, your turn to choose the letters.
- OK Let's have some vowels.
Thank you, Fay.
- I - OK.
Keep going.
- E - Yeah, keep going.
- O - And one more.
A And now do the other ones.
- X - Yeah L - G - Yeah, more of them I think another consonant at the end.
R OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER BALLOONS CARRY ON INFLATING Ooh, fuck.
LAUGHTER Oh, shit! Oh, no! APPLAUSE I always do this.
Just It's It's typical me, I bloody love balloons.
LAUGHTER I get carried away.
Sean, how many? - Seven.
- Seven.
- Stephen, how did you go? - A risky eight.
- A risky eight? Loving that.
Noel, how did you do? I got five.
Sorry.
Oh, my God, what are you doing?! Just Fay.
How many did you get? A risky four.
A risky four.
Well, let's hear your four.
LEGO LAUGHTER LEGO is risky.
Isn't that a trademark? - Trademark, yeah.
- Look at Susie's disappointed face.
LAUGHTER Noel, your five? GREA - Sean, your seven? - GLOATER.
- Very good.
And Stephen, your risky eight.
GLOATIER Oh No! I'm sorry.
Don't worry, they're going to just put in a fake acting round in a minute and make us lose, so LAUGHTER Right, seven points to Sean and Stephen.
APPLAUSE The trick to this is a slow descent, so I'll get rid of the first lot and then I'll just slowly come down - oh, hang on LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Shit, I'm covered in balloons.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, could they have done any better? LAUGHTER Er No, they couldn't - they could have had the word LEGATOR.
These rumours about you trying to attract kids LAUGHTER Totally unfounded, aren't they? APPLAUSE It's just a lot of talk, Sean.
Just a lot of talk.
OK.
So Noel and Fay have 22, Sean and Stephen have 35.
APPLAUSE Oh.
Donny! - LAUGHTER - Donny! I just wanted to check - I'll meet you Come and sit, I'll just tell you where I'm going to meet you.
I'll meet you in the car park .
.
afterwards.
It's the blue car, so I'll meet you Might as well just sit there.
LAUGHTER - So he's sitting there for the conundrum? - STEPHEN: Yeah, maybe.
Could you make this any harder for us?! We're shit at this.
I'm dyslexic, he went to RADA, they've got a fuckingringer in.
No, he's my nephew.
LAUGHTER Sean, are you sticking to the story he's your nephew? Yeah.
Has your nephew ever been on Countdown before? Yes, he's What are you, the champion? I was champion in 2014.
APPLAUSE - Course - NOEL: Jimmy .
.
it's only It's only Mark - Murray.
- Murray.
LAUGHTER - JIMMY HOOTS - Thank you very much, Mark.
Sean, I've just spotted my niece - is it all right if my niece helps? - Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah.
- Great, OK.
She's wearing a black dress, she's sitting LAUGHTER Rachel, you can join Noel's team.
- Thank you, Uncle Noel.
- FAY: Oh, nice.
- LAUGHTER OK.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
BELL - Whisper it.
- (POSTPONED.
) - What? - POSTPONED.
STEPHEN AND SEAN: POSTPONED POST PONED? - LAUGHTER - POSTPONED It's Mark's accent.
I thought he said POST BOND.
LAUGHTER POSTPONED! LAUGHTER Well, let's have a look and see.
Yes, it is POSTPONED.
APPLAUSE So the final scores are: Noel and Fay have 22 points, but tonight's winners, with help, and 45 points, - Sean and Stephen! - Well, not really - FAY: Yes.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, congratulations.
Sean and Stephen, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown pottery wheel! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to you for watching at home.
That's it from us - goodnight! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Noel Fielding, Stephen Mangan, Fay Ripley, the Brett Domino Trio, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, for your host, Jimmy Carr CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, a recent survey revealed people who speak more than one language are considered more attractive? Unless, of course, that language is Klingon.
98% of the atoms in your body are replaced every year, and if you're from Middlesbrough, what they're replaced with is the ingredients of Greggs steak bake.
And "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
It can be used in phrases such as, "will.
I.
am is shit.
" Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Sean has a reputation for being grumpy, but in my experience that simply isn't the case.
It doesn't matter if he's watching a kitten drown, listening to a child cry or watching an earthquake on the news, there is sure to be a smile on Sean's face.
Now, joining Sean tonight is Stephen Mangan! Stephen provided the voice for the Postman Pat movie.
I saw it and was shocked.
It involved more licking, stamping and stuffing big packages into tiny slots than any film since Fifty Shades Of Grey.
That's also the childhood a child's icon you've just besmirched with your filth.
- You were the voice of postman Pat? - Yeah.
Did you create a back story for him? Yeah, because he was in a TV series before the film.
Stephen, who did you take over from? Who was the voice in the telly show? - Well, a very unhappy man.
- Clearly.
Just wondering how he feels about it all.
Well, I look at it like Bond, really.
You move on.
There's different Bonds.
No-one gets upset.
- There's different Pats? - There's different Pats.
Idris Elba's going to be the next Postman Pat.
OK.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Noel Fielding! Noel's every girl's dream, if what that girl is dreaming of is a 40-something Goth crow.
You look like a clown that's gone bad.
I thought I'd just go a bit casual, you know? Because I know you always go very neat, like you've been carved out of balsawood.
The weird thing about you, Jim, is, you always looked like an accountant, which is so ironic.
Yeah.
OK, Noel's team-mate, Fay Ripley.
Yes! Fay recently starred in a revival of '90s sitcom Cold Feet.
Cold Feet is very much like James Nesbitt's hair - it was around in the '90s, it completely disappeared and now it's back again.
- Fay, this is your first time on the show.
- Yes.
- Are you a Countdown fan? Yes, I'm a big fan.
We watch it as a family, but I don't really, actually do the game.
Right, so you just watch it and then you don't bother joining in? Not really, no.
The other disadvantage will be, of course, you're with Noel.
How very dare you? Yeah, we're going to do really well.
I am a world-beating dyslexic and a number simpleton.
I'm imagining I'll be amazing at this game.
Are you a real dyslexic? As opposed to Do you mean, were his parents middle class or is he proper stupid? Pretend dyslexic.
But the numbers thing is good, then, if you're dyslexic, no? - No way.
- Oh, well.
OK.
Noel, you're pretty rock and roll, and Countdown isn't.
How would you make this show more kind of cool? Hmm.
Don't know.
The desks could be on fire, or something.
Different host.
I probably wouldn't have the Riddler from Batman on it every week.
Other than that, I'd have the audience facing the wrong way.
OK.
Sean, if you were to compete in a beauty pageant, what would your talent to be? But they don't have them any more, do they, because they're a sort of sexist, antiquated form of television, - and we don't take them seriously in this country, do we? - No.
But in some countries, like Venezuela, they're the national sport.
Beauty pageants.
That's, like, the national That's what they basically train for.
They take it really seriously.
- Brazil as well.
- Kidnapping, yeah.
Um One thing I would be good at, I would like to mix a beauty pageant with Crufts.
Do you know that dog agility test they do, - when they run through all those - Oh, yes.
They go through the little tunnels and round and round and round? - Yeah.
- And you got up a see-saw? - Yeah.
Weirdly, I'm really good at that.
I've beaten a collie.
I'm rubbish at an assault course, but you put me on a dog agility test In a bikini? .
.
I'm phenomenal, and I don't even need a treat at the end.
Good.
Stephen, you've spent some time in Hollywood recently.
- Do you ever get starstruck? - I do, yeah.
Whenever you meet any of your heroes, it's always very exciting.
Who did you meet? My worst encounter Because I'm normally quite shy when I meet people I revere, and I happened to be in New York at a screening that Robert De Niro was at, and I said I'm going over.
I love Robert De Niro, I'm going to go over, I girded my loins, I marched up to him, and I said, "Hello, I'm Robert De Niro.
" And he said, "No.
I'm Robert De Niro.
" That was pretty much it.
I've worked with Robert De Niro.
Oh, did you introduce yourself as Robert De Niro? I didn't.
I was a corpse in Frankenstein, - and him and Branagh did a scene over my body.
- Who? Branagh? - Kenneth.
Ken.
- Look at you, just dropping Branagh in.
And I was dead.
And they did their scene, and then it went, "Cut!" And then he tapped me on my shoulder and went, "How was that?" And he asked for my notes, and I don't think he expected me to give them, but I did.
Because I was basically a dead extra and I went, "I think you should maybe do it a bit slower and clearer, "because I didn't really understand what you said.
" Anyway, I was cut from the film.
- That is true.
- Stephen, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot, yes.
I have Mister T.
That's my mascot.
Mister T is the treasured cuddly toy of my middle son, Frank, and he absolutely adores him, and Frank and Mister are inseparable.
When you say your middle son, is that, like, not your favourite, but not your least favourite? Yeah, basically.
The two of them are never parted, and in order to get him out the house, I had to nick him because Frank would freak out.
In fact, what time is it now? Yeah, the panic will be setting in right about now, I think.
But I wanted a mascot, so tough luck, Frank.
Icy fingers of anxiety will be gripping his six-year-old heart, as we speak.
But, hey, he's not five any more.
He needs to grow up.
Fay, have you got a mascot? Oh, well, I do.
Look, when I get nervous and need calming down, I bake, and so I thought You know, it's very therapeutic, baking.
Do you bake? I bake when I'm angry, when I'm jealous.
I bake sometimes when I'm maybe sexy.
Feeling a bit sexy, you know? You bake when you're angry and when you're sexy? If your husband gets home and you're baking, he's like, "This could go either way!" Yeah, yeah.
But, anyway, it relaxes me.
So I thought, "Let's do it.
"Let's do it.
" - OK.
- I'm feeling better already.
STEPHEN: What are you making? I'm making a cake.
I'm making a cake.
- Sometimes you have to sort of improvise.
- That's quite vague.
I recognise that noise.
I think my girlfriend's into baking.
Ah! All of us girls are.
- So, anyway, I thought, what the hell? Make a cake - In a microwave? At some point At some point, I'm going to make it.
It'll be fine.
- All right.
- I'll let you know when it's ready.
I look forward to seeing your cake later on.
OK.
Noel, have you got a mascot? - I've got a knitted mascot of myself.
There you go.
- Ooh! Woollen Noel.
- Wow! - I know.
A fan knitted this for me.
Sorry, hold up the head.
It's really good.
It's QUITE good.
It's not REALLY good! - Will that bring you luck, do you think? - I'm not sure.
There are some weird features to this doll, I'm going to be honest with you.
That's quite a weird feature.
No! - No.
- I know.
- Did they Is this - Wow.
Did a fan genuinely make that? Yeah.
What, you think I made it myself?! The fella that made it Have you met him? Is he a nice bloke? Yeah, he's all right, yeah.
He's a builder.
You know, I liked it and then I went, "What's happening? Ohhh "Quite weird now.
" I just threw it in the spare room and thought I never need see that again, until you phoned up and said you have to bring a mascot, and I went, "Yes.
" Woollen penis comes in at last.
- I'll put him face down, right.
- OK.
Sean, do you have a mascot? I don't have a mascot as such, but as we all know, today is a very special day.
It's, of course, National Bring Your Nephew to Work Day.
So I've brought my nephew in.
I'd like you to welcome my nephew.
Sean's nephew.
All right? Could you tell us a little bit about your nephew, Sean? What's his name? Donny.
There you are, Donny.
Wave to everyone.
Lovely little fella, isn't he? I used to bounce him on my knee, I remember that.
Whose child is Donny? Oh, he's one of the You know Nobody really wants to claim him.
I've got a few nephews.
One of them's in the Kings Of Leon.
He's done very well, hasn't he? He's got a vineyard and a Lear jet.
And you've got nothing, really, have you? I just thought it'd be good to bring him in to show somebody show him what a proper day's work's like.
Cos he's a lazy little twat.
By the way, don't look him in the eye.
Don't Don't make eye contact with him, he'll stalk you.
It's the only thing he's any good at.
Stalking.
And he's fucking good at it.
Undetected on gravel.
He can just glide across gravel.
- Don't - I know! - He can see through frosted glass, that's his main He's very good with letters cos he has to do the little letters he sends.
OK, Sean's nephew, everyone.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's the Brett Domino Trio.
APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio have an incredibly dedicated following.
By which I mean, they're being monitored very closely by the police.
Shall we respond, or? LAUGHTER Brett, could you talk us through the outfits? What was your inspiration? Well, it's my mum's idea, to be honest.
She watched the show last time we were on it, when we were just wearing these.
She said we looked visually underwhelming.
So she just said you need to make more of an impact.
So I just nipped down the local Top Man and picked these out.
- You've still got the tag in that one.
- Hm? - You've still got the tag.
- We only got them about an hour ago.
Don't take it off, you can return those.
Why would I want to? OK.
And with the Brett Domino Trio is of course Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie doesn't really enjoy being famous and goes to great lengths to avoid being recognised.
For example, when she's in her car, she wears sunglasses and a hat so the other doggers don't know it's her.
Susie, we all like a good euphemism.
Would you give us one? Um, I like Victorian euphemisms.
Going to the loo in Victorian times was "going to the spice island" which I quite like, or "visiting Mistress Jones".
And these are all bodily functions, as you'd imagine, with Victorians.
My favourite was the one you said on screen the other day - about getting a haircut.
- What was that one? Getting your rug trimmed.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I say these things, I don't realise what I'm saying and Rachel fills me in afterwards.
- I walked into that one.
- Does she? That sounds terrific fun.
And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel has a Masters degree in maths from Oxford University.
Frankly, using her for the maths on Countdown is like using the Large Hadron Collider as a water slide.
Rachel, if you had to go into space with anyone on the show this evening, who would it be? I actually interviewed Tim Peake just before he went to space, and he said the thing about it is, cos it's claustrophobic and agoraphobic at the same time, it can send some people completely mental.
So I think, out of these people, I'd go with Sean cos he's already at that level.
Yeah, and I wouldn't get freaked out, cos what's the big deal? I mean, oh, I'm in space! Same shit, different view.
Good choice, Rachel, well played.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown pottery wheel.
# Oh, my love # My darling I hunger for your touch OK, let's count down, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Sean and Stephen, you get this first pick of the letters.
A vowel, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Sean.
I A consonant.
Consonant, please.
B Vowel.
E Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
M And another consonant.
P A vowel.
E Another consonant.
And the last one, N.
For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Sean, how many? No, you can't go to the toilet.
I've got seven.
Seven.
Stephen, what have you got? Two.
Two.
OK.
And Noel? - I've got six, I can't believe it.
- Six.
Fay, what have you got? I thought we'd won on his six.
I had a bunch of fours.
OK, Stephen, what was your two? BE Fay, your four? MEAT, ITEM OK.
Noel, your six? BEATEN - BEATEN.
- That was good.
- It's a good six.
Solid.
Sean, your seven? MATINEE Good word.
- You got MATINEE, did you? - Yeah.
- Excellent.
I got BEATEN and MATINEE.
I'm just interested, what did your nephew say to you during the? He wants to go to the toilet.
I told him, you know, wait till the interval, when there's a break, - he can go to the toilet.
- OK.
Seven points to Sean.
Nice word.
OK, now, the Brett Domino Trio, Susie, could they have done better? Yeah, you could have hand AMBIENT, as well, but seven was tops.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Stephen are in the lead with seven.
How come he's really good at this? You've just brought in a spy.
Just cos I'm the only one who took the trouble and the effort to bring a nephew in.
So, Sean, just a super-quick thing.
Without looking at Donny, I'd like you, on the count of three, to name Donny's mum.
Super-simple, just for me.
He's adopted.
You bastard! How dare you?! Sorry.
Sorry, Donny.
I will say this for Donny, he's quite a heavy breather, isn't he? OK, on to our first numbers round.
Noel, you get first pick of the numbers.
Two big ones, four small ones.
- Four little ones? - Yeah.
Come on, we can do this, Noel.
Right, little ones, you've got 3, 5, 6 and 8 Just write them down, Noel, just a little tip.
And the big ones - 50 and 75.
And the target - 534.
OK, your target is 534 and your time starts now.
Yeah, we're hoping to get down there at Christmas.
ButI'm going to come on Boxing Day because Gladys has, um she's got Oh, sorry, you've finished, have you? What's going on? What was Donny saying? We were just chatting about next Christmas.
Cos I did it, then had a little chat with him.
He was feeling lonely cos you had a go at him.
- OK.
Sean, did you get it? - Yeah, yeah.
Stephen, did you get it? Not on the dot, no.
How close did you get? I got 539.
- OK, Noel, did you get it? - No.
Noel, what did you say while it was happening? That music's not helping.
LAUGHTER No, it was the fact he was having a conversation with his nephew.
I was trying to concentrate.
Look at you, you're like the Proclaimers.
See? Family! Thank you.
Like a family resemblance.
Family resemblance, yeah.
- You two do look a little bit - We're related, Jimmy, - we're bloody related, he's my nephew.
- Fay, did you get it? I got 531, I think.
531, so just three away.
But it's I'm pleased with it.
I'm glad that you're thrilled.
I'm your guest, you should be glad.
Normally, people are glad when they get it right.
- Yes.
- Not when they're a few away.
- Right.
- But I like the fact - This is a good start.
- It is, actually.
- Shows promise.
- OK, Sean, how did you do it? You get 5, take 3 away, it leaves you with 2, doesn't it, Rachel? - Yeah.
- Then you take that 2 off the 75, what have you got, Rachel? - 73, Sean.
- Yes.
Well, what would you do with that? I'd times it by 8.
- Good play.
- Oh, no No way! There's no way that happened.
- What does that leave, Rachel? - You're 50 away, Sean.
- Yeah, only 50 away.
- Oh, we've got a 50.
Why don't you take it off? Ahbullshit! Sometimes, you can just see it.
It just Who is he? Donny! Look, if you've got a problem with my nephew I have, a little bit.
I'm imagining, if I saw a picture of you two in the paper and it said, "paedophile and victim", I wouldn't know which was which.
Donny, why don't you go and get yourself some crisps? They don't trust you, Donny.
Sorry about these people, they cynical, they've worked in television a long time, so, er Thanks for coming on, I'll see you later.
Just stay in my dressing room.
APPLAUSE Lovely lad.
OK, so at the end of that, Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 17.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NEON PISS, the clue - my grandma gets it once a week.
That's NEON PISS - my grandma gets it once a week.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the tease, the words were NEON PISS, the clue was - my grandma gets it once a week, it was, of course, PENSIONS.
LAUGHTER So, Sean and Stephen are in the lead.
Fay, how's the cake coming along? - DING - Hang on.
Hello.
I think we're ready.
Oh, here we go.
LAUGHTER Oh, lovely.
APPLAUSE What kind of cake is it? It's just sort of a classic Victoria sponge in the middle, it's just something I knocked up there.
- LAUGHTER - Just to put me at ease.
Can we try some of the cake that you just made? - LAUGHTER - All right, let's see.
I forgot that I put a ribbon on it.
Hang on.
LAUGHTER I'm thinking that was already in the microwave.
LAUGHTER Look at that.
As I said, a Victoria sponge.
Do not throw it in my face.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE IT'S all about the presentation.
- Oh.
- Good? - Yeah.
- Cake cures everything.
- Moist? - Yeah, I'm liking it.
LAUGHTER That's delicious.
There's a lot of Rohypnol in that cake, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER Did Susie put you up to this? LAUGHTER Not again, Susie, not again.
LAUGHTER You're going to wake up with your strings in a tangle.
LAUGHTER OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Noel, so Sean will win.
Noel, your turn to choose the letters.
- LAUGHTER - We'll have a vowel first.
- O.
- Quick, write them down, then.
Another vowel.
- This is just - I'm not playing.
- She's not playing.
- Oh.
It's you versus Sean on this.
It's a head-to-head.
Oh, it's me and you? Me and the Riddler? LAUGHTER You versus the Riddler, yes.
I'll just freak him out.
Let's have all vowels.
LAUGHTER Vowel.
LAUGHTER O It's going to be hard not to just say vowel every time.
LAUGHTER Vowel.
LAUGHTER E Go on, then, consonant.
- Z.
- Ooh.
LAUGHTER - Wow.
- JIMMY LAUGHS - Got another one.
That's no use.
- L.
- Oh, dear.
Vowel.
- LAUGHTER I.
Consonant.
P.
WHISPERING: Consonant.
Consonant.
R.
That is the worst selection of letters we've ever had.
LAUGHTER And your time starts Now.
BEEPING CAR ENGINE LAUGHTER BEEPING TENNIS SOUNDS LAUGHTER BEEPING MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones LAUGHTER LAUGHTER This is amazing.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Noel, what have you got? Oh, God, it's so That was hard.
- Four, that's rubbish.
- Four.
OK.
Sean, how did you do? - Five.
- Noel, what was your word? POLE And what was your five? PROLE PROLE.
Susie's nodding with confidence.
A member of the proletariat.
Yeah, absolutely fine.
Well, five points to Sean.
APPLAUSE That was hard, wasn't it? I had POOER.
LAUGHTER No POOER.
LOOPER? LOOPIER! Yeah, exactly, you could get that for seven.
So, the Brett Domino Trio, Susie, then.
Was LOOPIER the best? LOOPIER was best, yes, for seven.
OK, so at the end of that, Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 22.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now, time for Stephen and Fay to go head-to-head.
Stephen, your turn to pick the numbers.
Yes, I'll go two big and the rest small, please.
Two large, four little, again.
And this time, your numbers are 3, 9, 1, another 9, 100, and 50.
And the target is 727.
OK.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER - Stephen, did you get it? - Nope.
- Fay? Did you get it? - I'm two off.
You're two off? So I'm one off.
I'm one off, I think.
What did you get? LAUGHTER And you think that's one away from 727? LAUGHTER How did you get 724? Justtalk us through that.
Let's do that.
100 x 9.
100 x 9.
= 900.
- (3 x 50), - which is 150.
- Yeah.
- = 750.
- It does.
- 27, which I got, which was 3 x 9.
How many times are you using that three? As many as you want, yeah? LAUGHTER I can see what's happened here.
LAUGHTER I got to 750.
You might as well take the 9 off, now you're there.
Yeah, well, I'm there.
I'll take the 9 and the 1 off.
- STEPHEN: I got closer than 750.
- Oh, did you? Yeah.
You said you were one off.
LAUGHTER I was when there was two threes.
LAUGHTER Rachel, could it be done? I only got to one away.
What?! You didn't get it? LAUGHTER - No.
- But it's your only job! LAUGHTER Literally, it's your only job, Rachel, that's a disgrace.
Donnie! LAUGHTER I'm going to sit I'm going to do some homework for a bit, and I'll come back.
This is what we do on real Countdown.
- SEAN: What, you cheat? - LAUGHTER No, you go I'll sit with it, and I'll torture myself until I've got it.
LAUGHTER I think it's back to the dancing for Rachel.
LAUGHTER Just a disgrace! OK, so Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 22.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across, now, to Dictionary Corner and Brett Domino Trio.
What have you got for us? Last time we were on the show, we did a song, we were trying to include as many nine-letter words as we could.
Went down a storm.
LAUGHTER Very well-received.
So we thought we'd try and repeat that success, but this time, I'm going to write a song that is using exclusively three-letter words.
- LAUGHTER - I don't understand.
Tell you what, I'll put the lyrics up on there, then you can see - how many letters they've got.
- Right.
- They've all got three.
LAUGHTER She had one job LAUGHTER # She ran The Old Dog The pub LAUGHTER But not now she not LAUGHTER # Why Cos she too hot LAUGHTER She fit LAUGHTER # I've I've got one job too LAUGHTER # It's not too bad But bin men get sad LAUGHTER # Any one can see She the one for me-e LAUGHTER # But how can one ask her out # All I can say he it's LAUGHTER # Did you put the bin out - # For the bin guy # - LAUGHTER # It's all I ask # Did you put the bin out # For the bin guy It's all bin men ask LAUGHTER # It's bin day # Did you put the bin out # Please say yes Yes, you put the bin out LAUGHTER # All I can ask her Did she put her bin out for the bin guy? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, everyone! I was wondering if I could try to keep my job.
Yeah, so, 727.
Could it be done? Yes, it could be done, yes.
LAUGHTER If you say 9-1 = 8 x 50 = 400 and then 100 + 9 = 109 x 3 = 327 And add them together.
APPLAUSE Rachel Riley.
Rachel Riley.
Come on.
The scores at the moment, Noel and Fay have no points, Sean and Stephen have 22.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are I LOVE SAC, and the clue is - and I'm not afraid to say it.
LAUGHTER That's I LOVE SAC and I'm not afraid to say it.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were I LOVE SAC.
The clue was - and I'm not afraid to say it.
It was, of course, VOCALISE.
OK, before we get on with the game, a bonus round.
Tonight, we've got two of the country's finest comedic actors with us, so we're going to test everyone's acting ability.
I'm going to get both teams to perform a scene from a blockbuster movie.
Best acting gets the points, OK? Noel and Fay, you go first.
I've got scripts for you there.
I've got some props for you.
You're going to be performing a scene from Twilight.
LAUGHTER Fay, you're going to be Bella.
Noel, you're going to be Edward.
- Are these for me? - Yeah, you'll need those.
OK.
How's that? Or you can do Deirdre from Corrie, if you'd rather.
- OK, here's a script.
- There you go.
And take it away, Edward and Bella.
You're impossibly fast and strong.
Your skin is pale white and ice cold.
You never eat or drink anything, you don't go into the sunlight.
How old are you? I know what you are.
Say it.
- Out - HE CHUCKLES Out loud.
Say it.
A vampire.
Are you afraid? No.
Not even of Jimmy? LAUGHTER That's because you believe only the lies.
The camouflage.
Camouflage - virtually impossible with that.
Bella, everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, my smell.
I'm designed to kill.
I don't care.
I trust you.
Don't.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bella and Edward, everyone.
- Wow.
- Wow.
OK, Sean and Stephen, you're going to be doing a scene from Diamonds Are Forever.
Sean, you'll be playing James Bond, of course.
Stephen, you'll be playing the Bond girl.
There are some scripts and some props for you.
That's probably for you.
LAUGHTER OK, with a scene from Diamonds Are Forever, take it away.
Hi.
I'm Plenty.
Well, of course you are.
Plenty O'Toole.
Named after your father.
Perhaps? Would you like some help? On the craps, I mean.
That's very kind of you.
LAUGHTER I'll take the full odds on the 10 and 200 on the hard way.
So you've played this game before What accent am I doing? You've played this game be I went to RADA.
So you've played this game before.
Just once.
You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts.
You know something? You're a terrific guy.
A little weird, but a terrific guy.
Say, why don't we go some place and have a drink? A drink? Hmmm.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean and Stephen there.
I like the way you took off that wig like, "It was me all along.
" OK, so at the end of the acting challenge, I tell you the points go to Noel and Fay.
APPLAUSE Well done.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, really good.
And there were There were 22 points on offer there, so you're now level.
Let's kick on with the game.
OK, Sean and Stephen, your turn to choose the letters.
- Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
- 22? How can they have 22? - Look at that.
- Because the acting challenge was 22 points.
- No, it's not.
- The Riddler's fuming.
Look at him.
Well, they did, they forgot to bring their nephew, was it? Well, if you wouldn't mind picking the letters, please, gentlemen.
Vowel.
Consonant.
Vowel.
Consonant.
Vowel.
Vowel.
Vowel.
Consonant.
A, N U, S LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
N Oh.
LAUGHTER Come on.
Consonant.
D Consonant.
Oh.
- RACHEL: Oh, my God.
- SEAN: Vowel.
E - There you go.
- Anus and see.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Sean.
How many? Five.
Five.
Stephen? - Six.
- Noel? - Five.
- Fay? Five.
Fay, your slightly depressing five? SUDAN Can we have countries? No.
Capitalised, I'm afraid.
Noel, your five? SANDS.
It's up there already, look.
Just say what you see, Jimmy.
OK, Sean, your five? ANUSES Well, you said five, but I think you meant six.
Stephen, what have you got? I got SAUNAS.
- Yeah.
- Well, six points to Stephen.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better than ANUSES? They could, yes.
They could have had SUNDAES, as in ice creams.
- Oh.
- Ah.
- SUNDAES.
- OK.
The scores at the moment, Noel and Fay have 22, Sean and Stephen have 28.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner and the Brett Domino Trio.
What have you got for us? Em, I'm a hit maker by trade.
As you probably know, I make pop music, so we'd like to do a bit of a song inspired by someone in this room, so just going to sing it.
- Justover there.
- I'll stay here.
You stay and play the keyboard, yes.
Oh.
I'm just going to take my jacket off.
It's like a full charisma bypass, isn't it? Cue the music.
UP-TEMPO TRACK PLAYS Listen.
# Mathematics ain't my strong point # But I can see that you're a straight ten # Yeah, sure, you're no Vorderman # But these others, I'm bored of them # Except for maybe Susie Dent # No doubt that I'm being euphemistic # It's you plus me # Yeah, here's an equation # Baby, I'm no good with numbers Yeah, I just want yours KAZOO INTERLUDE # Work it like Pythagoras # Are you hungry? I'm ravenous # I could make you feel fabulous # Yeah, I'm no good with numbers And I just want yours.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, everyone.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are BUTT RISE.
The clue is - I'm incredibly moved.
That's BUTT RISE, I'm incredibly moved See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were BUTT RISE, the clue was - I'm incredibly moved.
It was of course TRIBUTES.
LAUGHTER OK, time for our final letters game.
- Noel and Fay, your turn to choose the letters.
- OK Let's have some vowels.
Thank you, Fay.
- I - OK.
Keep going.
- E - Yeah, keep going.
- O - And one more.
A And now do the other ones.
- X - Yeah L - G - Yeah, more of them I think another consonant at the end.
R OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER BALLOONS CARRY ON INFLATING Ooh, fuck.
LAUGHTER Oh, shit! Oh, no! APPLAUSE I always do this.
Just It's It's typical me, I bloody love balloons.
LAUGHTER I get carried away.
Sean, how many? - Seven.
- Seven.
- Stephen, how did you go? - A risky eight.
- A risky eight? Loving that.
Noel, how did you do? I got five.
Sorry.
Oh, my God, what are you doing?! Just Fay.
How many did you get? A risky four.
A risky four.
Well, let's hear your four.
LEGO LAUGHTER LEGO is risky.
Isn't that a trademark? - Trademark, yeah.
- Look at Susie's disappointed face.
LAUGHTER Noel, your five? GREA - Sean, your seven? - GLOATER.
- Very good.
And Stephen, your risky eight.
GLOATIER Oh No! I'm sorry.
Don't worry, they're going to just put in a fake acting round in a minute and make us lose, so LAUGHTER Right, seven points to Sean and Stephen.
APPLAUSE The trick to this is a slow descent, so I'll get rid of the first lot and then I'll just slowly come down - oh, hang on LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Shit, I'm covered in balloons.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, could they have done any better? LAUGHTER Er No, they couldn't - they could have had the word LEGATOR.
These rumours about you trying to attract kids LAUGHTER Totally unfounded, aren't they? APPLAUSE It's just a lot of talk, Sean.
Just a lot of talk.
OK.
So Noel and Fay have 22, Sean and Stephen have 35.
APPLAUSE Oh.
Donny! - LAUGHTER - Donny! I just wanted to check - I'll meet you Come and sit, I'll just tell you where I'm going to meet you.
I'll meet you in the car park .
.
afterwards.
It's the blue car, so I'll meet you Might as well just sit there.
LAUGHTER - So he's sitting there for the conundrum? - STEPHEN: Yeah, maybe.
Could you make this any harder for us?! We're shit at this.
I'm dyslexic, he went to RADA, they've got a fuckingringer in.
No, he's my nephew.
LAUGHTER Sean, are you sticking to the story he's your nephew? Yeah.
Has your nephew ever been on Countdown before? Yes, he's What are you, the champion? I was champion in 2014.
APPLAUSE - Course - NOEL: Jimmy .
.
it's only It's only Mark - Murray.
- Murray.
LAUGHTER - JIMMY HOOTS - Thank you very much, Mark.
Sean, I've just spotted my niece - is it all right if my niece helps? - Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah.
- Great, OK.
She's wearing a black dress, she's sitting LAUGHTER Rachel, you can join Noel's team.
- Thank you, Uncle Noel.
- FAY: Oh, nice.
- LAUGHTER OK.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
BELL - Whisper it.
- (POSTPONED.
) - What? - POSTPONED.
STEPHEN AND SEAN: POSTPONED POST PONED? - LAUGHTER - POSTPONED It's Mark's accent.
I thought he said POST BOND.
LAUGHTER POSTPONED! LAUGHTER Well, let's have a look and see.
Yes, it is POSTPONED.
APPLAUSE So the final scores are: Noel and Fay have 22 points, but tonight's winners, with help, and 45 points, - Sean and Stephen! - Well, not really - FAY: Yes.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, congratulations.
Sean and Stephen, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown pottery wheel! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to you for watching at home.
That's it from us - goodnight! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING