8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s11e02 Episode Script
Series 11, Episode 2
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats does Countdown, Jon Richardson, Joe Wilkinson, Chris Addison, Katherine Ryan, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, hypothermia is a state in which the core temperature of the body falls below 35 degrees? People who died from it include mountaineers, and during a cold snap, viewers of regular Countdown.
A Victorian slang term for a vagina was a crinkum-crankum.
I find it fascinating.
I love looking up things like that.
And to obnunciate is to announce bad news, as used in the sentence, the shopkeeper obnunciated, "I'm sorry, Rachel, but we only "have that particular dress in a child size.
" Saves on VAT, you'd know all about that, Jimmy.
Saves on VAT! CHEERING Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players, first up it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon recently became a father.
Jon's got OCD so the conception took a while as as soon as he turned his wife on, he had to go back and make sure she turned her off again.
And Jon's team-mate, Chris Addison.
I'm not saying Chris Addison has weirdly long limbs, but I'm not sure whether to laugh at him or trap him under a glass and put him outside.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
Joe lives in Brighton.
He fits right in because if there's one thing the residents of Brighton love, it's a hairy bum.
Joining Joe tonight is Katherine Ryan.
Wow! Katherine Ryan is Canadian.
If you don't know much about Canada, just imagine America is Waitrose then Canada is a really boring country just to the north of Waitrose.
Katherine, you often tweet about celebrities.
If you could go on holiday with any celebrity, who would it be? Oh, my gosh! I'd probably go on holiday with you.
Good choice.
W-Why me? I mean, I think you're super fun and I know you live a lavish lifestyle and like, I think you need a best friend.
MUTTERING And we have LAUGHTER You know I'm a real boy? I could watch you be mean to people.
I would love that We'd stay in the best hotels and no-one would ever rob us, Kardashian style.
You're turning into Sean Connery.
Bit of advice, don't go on holiday with Richard and Judy.
What happens? What happened? All they do is read books and screw.
JIMMY LAUGHS Joe, how do you unwind at the end of a hard day? Ohhhh.
how do I unwind? What I like to do, is I like to run a hot bath.
Put some bubbles in it.
Sprinkle some petals in there.
Pour myself a nice glass of wine and I slide in the bath and I wait for whosever house I've just broken into.
APPLAUSE Jon, here's a question for you.
Hello.
What's currently on your to-do list? I'm currently heading up an investigation into why men have stopped wearing socks.
At what point somebody decided it was fine, but it really isn't fine.
The fungicide.
I got bullied for having half-mast trousers at school.
I wore them deliberately to show off a quite splendid sock range.
Those kids now You had trousers that were too short for YOU? Chris, in The Thick Of It you did quite a lot of creative swearing.
Yes.
Do you do any of that in real life? Have you got any good? Fuck, yes.
Do you swear at inanimate objects? Yeah.
I called the chair a fuckwad.
Nobody else was around.
There was nobody that I was addressing I stubbed my toe and called it a fuckwad.
I've called my cat a little arsehole before now.
That's when you know it's slightly out of control.
How do you get around to? You've got kids? Yeah.
Do you swear in front of them or do you use creative? I try to avoid swearing in front of them because I don't want them to guess what the Wi-Fi password is.
You've got to swear as much as you can in front of your kids because you're not cool to them and therefore swearing isn't cool.
That's good.
So I know that my daughter is never going to swear like, bang a load of guys in the garden.
Or if she does, she won't call it "bang".
She'll say make love to a load of guys in the garden.
And that's the kind of loser I want.
OK, Chris, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I have.
What did you bring? I brought this crocheted dissected rat.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER Wow! My wife made me it for my last birthday.
She said I've got exactly what you want for your birthday.
She sat up at nights crocheting me a dissected rat.
Are you sort of mid-divorce now? We've been together about 18 years so you run out of ideas after about nine.
Most people go with like, bondage.
Those were years ten through 13, so were through that.
What do you get her? What do I get her? Yes.
I get her an Amazon voucher.
Between 25 and £50, depending on how the year has been.
The worst thing about that's I can just see Jon's little head going, "What a good idea!" Katherine, have you got a mascot? I have a mascot.
What's your mascot? ODD ACCENT: I've been in show business ten years now.
Have you? Yeah.
Where are all these accents coming from this evening? Ten years in show business.
So I wear shoulder pads, that's number one.
2-nil on shoulder pads, isn't it? Yeah, I wear them as well.
How many years have you been in show business? I don't think you can call what Joe does show business.
What actually happened is the man that died in that suit .
.
had shoulder pads for reasons of his own.
To be fair, he put up a hell of a fight.
LAUGHTER So my mascot, after ten years in show business, I feel like it's time for me to start being an asshole.
Or at least having a celebrity quirk.
Because like, Christian Bale goes against superstitions.
He'll purposely pour out road salt, I read, walk under ladders.
You've got to be quirky.
Then there's you and all your stuff and so I've decided that I should start believing in and collecting crystals with metaphysical properties so this is a good one.
This is an amethyst, I think, and it gives you more creative energy.
You bury it in the garden so that it's powered by the Earth and you dig it up and just like Try it, Joe.
Then these ones I really believe in this! I carry them when I fly, I'm just like You can fly, that's fucking amazing.
Yeah.
This one supports, it's for unconditional love, that's what I have for you.
Also faith in you as a leader.
Thank you.
This one is just like for purity and this is the sea, I don't know why, just so you can swim better.
So I brought them here today to help us win.
Are you getting enough sleep? No! OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have, Jimmy.
This week I've brought a mascot that I hope to monetise.
Oh! This isn't just my mascot, it's now the official Countdown mascot because to my knowledge you don't have one.
So this is now the official Countdown mascot.
This is Clocky.
APPLAUSE It's got a fall-back story, Clocky.
Born in the '60s, so not into drugs himself, but his parents did a lot.
As a result, not really looked after but managed to get himself to a university and went to Clocksford.
GROANING Then Countdown happened in 1983 and suddenly everybody wanted a 30-second clock.
Now you can take Clocky around with you.
If you buy your own Clocky, it's got a little pad here, this is the clocksucker.
LAUGHTER You can attach Clocky to whatever you like and he's just good for any point you want 30 seconds to go by.
So if someone rings and you don't want to talk to them, you just start Clocky and COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS That noise on the phone gives a certain sort of pressure to whoever you're talking to.
Yeah, I've got about 30 seconds, bang! COUNTDOWN JINGLE Bye! What else do you use it for, Jon? You can do 30-second workouts.
30-second workouts? That's quite a big thing now, what do they call it? High-intensity, HIT training.
They say do 20 minutes, I say 30 seconds.
Can we see 30 seconds of training? You do like 30 seconds of push-ups, something like that, so What would you do? I do 30 seconds of push-ups, I do that every day.
Yeah, go on.
I just don't think I need to.
I just think it's so clear.
You can do 30 seconds of step ups.
I think we'd want to see 30 seconds of push-ups? CHEERING Oh! Careful.
I think you've just broken that.
I think it may be a design flaw.
SQUEAKING Sorry, did you just blow? I just blew in the clocksucker! I fucked it! Come on, Jon, we're looking forward to this.
Ah I don't know why I even got into this position.
Ready? Yeah.
You start and I'll press.
You press and I'll start.
Worth a go! You can do it, Jon.
CLOCK TICKS Go ahead.
JON GROANS That's one! LAUGHTER HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Keep going, Jon, do it for Clocky! Three! Come on! AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS Five.
Six.
Oh! About 50, was it, I think? OK.
Joe, do you have a mascot? Yeah, I do but it's a little bit embarrassing, my one.
It's I, basically, when I was little, I had a doll.
I loved that doll, I took it everywhere with me so, basically, I brought my doll along.
Got the doll as a kid.
This is the doll I had when I was a toddler.
LAUGHTER AND APLAUSE Erm Her name is Tiffany.
Yeah, we went everywhere together.
Is that not a sex doll? What's wrong with you? No.
You're a pervert, mate.
This is a kids' doll.
Right, Jon, hold that, right.
I don't really want to touch it.
LAUGHTER She's just a little doll, mate.
You had that when you were a child? Yeah, I got it as a christening present.
Urgh! What are you doing? Holy hell! Oh, it's squidgy! It's squidgy! Feel it.
It's a lovely dolly.
EURGH! Oh! Whoa! Basically, she's just a normal doll that every kid had.
I'll prove it to you.
Look, this is us This is us at LAUGHTER This is us at the funfair.
This is us This is us at football training.
I can't believe you think it's a sex doll.
It's just a perfectly normal doll.
Who gave you the doll, Joe? My uncle Terry.
It's a It's a christening present.
He had a load in a van.
She can make a fist.
Yeah, she can, yeah.
It can go up your arse as well.
LAUGHTER Come on, let's get you out of here.
APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE David has that "just got out of bed" look, if the bed was some flattened cardboard boxes in the doorway of a Currys Digital.
You look like Dracula's less successful younger brother.
Count Down! Wahey! APPLAUSE David, if you died today, what would be your greatest achievement? Erm I mean, a lot of people talk about it, but I actually did the old popcorn trick a few years ago.
What? In the cinema, the popcorn and you have it on your lap.
And you just, you know, you WHISTLES With the? Up through the I actually did I'm the one person who actually did it.
Wow! The movie choice was wrong.
Philomena is LAUGHTER It's an amazing film, but And the other problem is, I had been led to believe it would be instant hilarity, but the two things that I hadn't factored in were one - is the size of a contemporary cinema popcorn box.
So it was like a giant wastepaper basket.
And secondly, how salted LAUGHTER AND GROANING .
.
the popcorn is.
I think I basically pickled it.
I think It's possible, hundreds of years after I'm dead, my wanger will still be perfectly preserved.
People will think it was like a Viking's purse or something like that.
Susie, were you surprised when you got to the bottom? LAUGHTER OK.
And with David, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE In David's most recent book, he named a squirrel after Susie Dent.
Small, wild and with an insatiable appetite for nuts, Susie was delighted.
I was really happy when he told me I was a character in his book.
And then the squirrel bit came and I thought, well, OK.
But apparently I'm a thief.
I'm a credit card thief.
Yeah, Susie Susie helps me with I write children's books and Susie knows the correct way to spell "meow" and words like that, and then to thank her, I made her into a criminal squirrel in the new book.
Yeah, that's KATHERINE: Aw! That's the time she met Joe.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel loves her food and for a treat, she often eat gluten-free, organic, vegan cupcakes.
That's a coincidence, Rachel, because sometimes as a treat, I don't.
Rachel, what's your worst habit? I guess food, like you said.
There's a lot of stuff I can't eat, so sometimes it's just finding whatever's in the cupboard I can eat.
So the other day, I had just nachos for starters and thought I'd do a bit of cooking for main, so I had toast.
LAUGHTER The worst one I ever made was gluten-free pasta with Doritos dip.
Mmm(!) It was rank, absolutely disgusting.
You bloody fool.
Joe, what's your worst habit? Following people around, I suppose.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown metal detector.
BEEPING APPLAUSE BEEPING GETS FASTER EXTREMELY FAST BEEPING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Chris, you get to pick the letters.
Please.
Oh, can I? Brilliant! Please can I have a vowel? You can.
Thank you, Chris.
South paw! Two vowels.
A.
Three consonants O.
And four from anywhere else, please.
G, L R Erm A consonant.
F Vowel.
I Oh, God.
Erm Consonant.
P And vowel.
And E And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
All right.
One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
Right, hang on.
This is easy.
LAUGHTER All right, erm Call it a draw? Yeah, fuck you, lady.
Yay! APPLAUSE Chris, how many? Seven.
Oh! Jon, how many? Er, eight.
Oh, for fu Huh?! Joe, how many? Five-ish.
Five-ish.
And Katherine? Six.
Not seven or eight.
OK.
Joe, your five? LAGER.
LAUGHTER Katherine, your six? GOALIE.
Yeah.
Ah, fuck Chris, your seven? FRAGILE.
Huge.
Jon, your eight? It's another word for a lady's night aid.
A FRIGPOLE.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes, a FRIGPOLE.
No FRIGPOLE.
Seven points to Chris.
APPLAUSE Good, a good start.
All I've ever wanted! It's a good start.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? We got a couple.
And by "we" I mean one of us more than the other got a couple of other sevens.
PROFILE, PERGOLA.
One eight, though.
LEAPFROG.
Oh Yeah, sorry, guys.
LEAPFROG.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Chris are in the lead with seven.
APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Joe and Katherine, you get to pick the numbers.
I don't know what's going on, you do it.
You just have to decide how many big numbers we want and how many small we want.
Er OK.
I feel sick when they do this.
I find this one really hard.
DAVID: Has anyone ever gotten no biggies? Can you get all littlies? Yeah.
Is that? I mean, if you were just trying to ruin them, that might be an option.
I'm David, what the hell, man? We've known each other for years! Let's, let's, let's have 100, because that's always easy.
Yeah! And then some little ones.
You can't actually pick THE numbers! She's rubbing a crystal on his head.
Go with six small and press the button.
OK.
You manifest and say what number you want it to be, and I bet it will be it.
2 OK, what's she going to say next? 4 Er, 4.
And then? Er, I mean (1!) 1.
Yep! What do you think next? It's a small picture of a pony.
LAUGHTER OK, Joe.
Go on, guess the target, then.
I'll guess the target, hold on.
7, 2 and 4.
Guess the target, come on.
723, bang on.
So close(!) 315.
So close! That was That was freaky! LAUGHTER OK, and your time starts We haven't got big ones! .
.
now.
JON: You've fucked us here, mate.
KATHERINE: You can't do it! How the hell? We need a big one! LAUGHTER Even a 25.
Oh, this is making me feel sick.
I just can't do that.
OK, that was a really bad idea.
LAUGHTER So, the target was 315.
Joe, did you get it? I got four.
LAUGHTER Could you talk us through your working? I just wrote four in the corner.
OK, so you wrote four.
Literally, the whole Yeah.
What did you get, Katherine? I got 280.
280, wow.
That's excellent.
Chris, did you get it? I got 230.
Whoo! I'm smarter than Chris Addison.
OK, Jon, did you get it? No, I didn't.
But I sort of think Well, Jon, bear in mind I got a sum.
That's a good start! But I just didn't get any of the numbers in the sum.
I basically multiplied everything together except the one, which I added to try and I popped a four in the corner.
LAUGHTER If you show that If you show that to Jimmy, he's not going to say that's a four.
I'd like to point out, Chris and Jon, I've got the same amount of points as you and I just wrote a four in the corner.
LAUGHTER OK, Rachel, it was easy.
How did you do it? It was impossible, actually.
Yes! HE CACKLES you could have got some points, but you couldn't have got 315.
OK, so the scores at the moment - Joe and Katherine have no points.
Jon and Chris have seven.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are A BELL END.
The clue is - you can have it, but I'll need it back.
That's A BELL END.
You can have it, but I'll need it back.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
the words were A BELLEND, the clue was - you can have it, but I'll need it back.
It was of course LENDABLE.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Joe and Chris.
So, Joe, your turn to choose the letters, Chris, your turn to win.
I'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Joe.
S Ah, yeah, could be plural.
Um LAUGHTER I'll have a T, then, could be, like, STOP.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whenever you hold the crystal, you look like Rasputin.
Let's put some of them in you, like in your pockets.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't want to win THAT much.
Right, pop an O up.
Close, U.
All right, a P.
Oh, and now a P.
Oh, I've got to write them down.
Shite.
A consonant, please.
G I need more of the other ones.
Vowels.
Yep.
Vowels.
O And then I'll have another Yeah, go on, then, I'll have a vowel.
I Oh, an N.
I mean, consonant.
S OK, and your time starts now.
SWING MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm just going to stretch this out.
I think I've done my hamstring.
Shit.
Joe, what did you get? How many? Can you ask Chris first? Chris, how many? I got one more than Joe.
So, Joe, how many did you get? Do you reckon that's a word? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've got a five.
Yeah, Chris, what have you got? I have actually got a five.
Yes! Whoa! We're in it, we're in it.
Chris, what was your five? SWIGS, or TWIGS.
Joe, your five? MOIST.
Oh! Oh, that's really good, isn't it? I was going to go MOISTS, plural.
Cos he gets all the babes wet.
Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Susie Dent, am I right in saying that your least favourite word in the English language is MOIST? Yes.
Could it be plural? Well, it can't be plural, but these days you can put an S on it as a verb.
Oh, shit the bed! What does it mean, then, MOISTS? She moists the? Ugh! Do you like the word gusset? Look! Look what you've done to Dictionary Corner.
What about the word squelch? It's all right.
I quite like squelch.
You like squelch.
Squelch is all right.
I think we've lost focus.
OK, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better, Dictionary Corner? No, six is top, really.
OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Katherine have five points, which they're very pleased about, and Jon and Chris have 12.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right Now time for Jon and Katherine to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
Bung a big one up.
Trust me, it's quality and all.
Bung a big one up, please, Rachel.
Just the one? And then what's the verb for the small ones? A couple of titchy ones.
A couple of titchy ones.
Couple of titchy ones.
And then go for your life, love.
And then go for your life, love.
All right, don't piss about, put the little ones.
1 and 8.
And the target LAUGHTER I could do that! Shall we? No, don't you dare! OK, and your time starts now.
No, no, I don't know.
So, Katherine, did you get it? No, I got 771.
Oh, that's amazing.
Pretty good, though.
Jon, did you get it? I got 769.
Ha-ha! Oh, that's the same.
LAUGHTER Katherine, how did you get 771? 8 x 100 = 800 Yep.
Lovely stuff.
7 x 4 = 28 + 1 = 29 800 - 29 = 771 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Seven points to Katherine.
How did you get 769? This is going to get very exciting for Joe, because I actually got 779.
Oh! Ooh! Oh! Ooooh! LAUGHTER Seven points for Katherine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's make a game of it.
It's the crystals, do you think? Yeah, you put one up your bum, magic happens.
If you believe in the universe, you can make amazing things happen.
I mean, I believe in the universe Explain how we're winning.
Are we winning? No.
LAUGHTER Rachel, 770 looked pretty easy to me.
Could it be done? Yeah, there were a couple of ways.
Oh, of course there are.
Sorry, Joe.
You could have said 100 + 4 = 104 x 7 = 728 - 8 + 50 = 770 Yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Joe and Katherine have 12, Jon and Chris also have 12.
It's all level.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time now to go over to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? Well, I've got the I've got the party machine, everyone, and this is a song about communication.
# My friend was in a restaurant on a date # And the date was going really badly # The guy was boring and stupid guy he'd ever been on a date with # He was wondering why he'd gone on a date # With such a boring and stupid guy # Just then the boring and stupid guy got up and went to the loo # And my friend decided to send a text message # To another of our friends # Outlining the ways in which the guy was both boring and stupid # And including in it some direct quotes of things that he'd said # That were boring and stupid # But when the boring and stupid guy came back from the loo # He could barely talk and he had obviously just been crying # And my friend realised that he'd sent a text # To the person that text was about # Yes, he'd sent a text # To the person the text was about # You can try and pretend it was just a joke # Ha-ha-ha-ha # But you were just being rude # In an over-the-top, inappropriately jokey way # But you can never be sure if the person believes you # So your relationship's effectively ruined any way # You can just be honest and apologise # But now they know what you actually think about them # The best thing you can do is just delete their details from your phone # And hope you never, ever, ever, ever see them again # A while ago I did this song for the first time ever # I was my way home on my bike having tried out this song # And I felt a text message in my pocket # So I pulled over my bike to see who it was from # And it was from a friend of mine who'd been at the gig # And the text message said # That was the worst gig I've ever seen him do # He used to be funny but he's really lost it lately # Complete bullshit # And even though he phoned up a minute later # And we had a good laugh about what a hilarious prank he'd played # I still can't be sure # He didn't send the text To the person the text was about.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SUCK PITS, the clue is - put your hands above your head.
That's SUCK PITS, put your hands above your head.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SUCK PITS.
The clue was - put your hands above your head.
It was, of course, STICK UPS.
Before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
I've got a selection of objects, all spelt with nine letters.
All they have to do is identify them with their hands whilst wearing a blindfold.
Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points.
Jon and Joe, you're playing this, so join me at the feeling station.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Put one in your pocket.
This one.
Here you go.
Thanks, mate.
Joe, you're just over the cover on that little mark there.
Sorry, mate.
LAUGHTER Oh, it's going to be like that, is it? OK.
So you're against the clock.
All you've got to do is identify the nine-letter objects.
First person to guess correctly wins the point.
Your time starts now.
KLAXON First item, please.
Where the hell is it? It's going to be in between the two of you.
OK, there it is.
Ah! Oh! Oh, hello.
There you go.
Brassiere? Brassiere is the right one.
Well done.
Next one.
You've got to be quick.
OK, there you go.
Be gentle, be gentle, be gentle.
Oh, it's a dog.
Let me just check with Susie.
Is that a nine-letter word? It isn't, it's three letters.
Sausage dog.
Is it a sausage dog? It is a sausage dog, yeah.
But what are they called? A Dach Dachshund.
Dachshund.
Yes, that's right.
Oh! OK.
Don't worry, that dog's gone.
Gone to live on a farm now.
OK, guys.
Well, kind of that way.
In there.
There you go.
Oh, Christ! You have to go lower down, lower down.
Not there, lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Lower.
There you go.
Oh, er stockings.
Correct.
Yes! LAUGHTER OK.
Go lower, lower, lower.
There you go.
Around there.
Lower, Joe.
Joe, a bit lower.
What do you think that could be? Cock and balls! No, it's not a cock and balls, no.
Strap on? Ho-ho-ho! Sausage.
It's a kind of sausage.
Frankfurter.
A small sausage is called a Chipolata! Chipolata is the right answer, yeah.
OK.
He's Come on, Joe.
Hey! Let's see if if Joe recognises his own father.
Scientist? It's not a scientist.
Fisherman.
Yeah! Yes, correct answer.
KLAXON What's happening.
Hey! LAUGHTER JOE GIGGLES LAUGHTER Jon, you got the most right, that means you get five bonus points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon, Chris, your turn to choose the letters.
Sorry, Katherine.
Consonant, please.
Thank you, Jon.
H And a vowel.
A A consonant, please.
T.
Yes! I'm out.
APPLAUSE A consonant, please.
S Shouldn't have declared yourself out too early, mate.
You just lost around.
SHAT.
A vowel, please.
E A vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
K And a consonant, please.
R And a final consonant, I guess.
And a final N.
OK.
And your time starts now.
Oh, crap! Joe, how many? Four.
OK, Katherine, how many? Six.
Six.
Oh, magic stuff! Chris, how many? Six.
We're still in it.
Jon? Eight.
Oh, hello! Is it a risky eight? I would put your mortgage on it.
Joe? Well, I've got a couple.
I've got HATS.
And I've got SHAT.
Katherine, your six.
THANKS.
Smashing stuff.
Chris? SHITER.
More shite.
SHITER.
Yes.
Is SHITER in there, Susie? I'm sorry? We were just Sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you two maybe need some popcorn? Is SHITER in there? SHITER is not in there, I'm afraid, Chris.
OK.
Jon, your eight? THINKERS.
Amazing.
Brilliant.
THINKERS.
APPLAUSE OK.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? THINKERS is as good as we're going to get, an eight.
OK.
Eight points to Jon and Chris.
APPLAUSE So at the end of that, Jon and Chris are in the lead with 25 points.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
David, what have you got for us? Well, I've made a mistake in the past of sometimes looking at Twitter while the show is on and there's a lot of things that are said about Dictionary Corner.
One of the criticisms is that, Susie, we don't like to party and that is so wrong.
Right here.
Going to give you Susie, what's the time? It's party time.
Correct.
# Cos there's a partially starting right now # You are all invited Party starting right now # Time to get excited # As if the neighbours who live on this side have gone away and the # Neighbours that live on this side are old and pretty much deaf # Party, party, party, party, party! # There's gonna be lots of ladies and men at our parties # With some cheese in the kitchen Babybels # There will be streamers flying through the air # Someone will probably go home wearing someone else's coat # It's going to be fucking mayhem! # Call all of your friends and invite them along # But not friends of friends That would be too many friends # And this party is some basic ground rules # You don't want a situation like at Rob's party last year # Where a CD went missing # Someone broke a chair # And someone tried to fill Rob's dog with helium # Tried to stick him up onto the ceilium # But he didn't float up or bark high-pitched # He just became violently ill Party, party, party, party, party! # Someone's drinking beer from a shoe with a crazy straw, ow! # When the party starts to rock # Don't use the downstairs loo because it gets blocked # Whoo! We're gonna party all through till the break of dawn # Or until I come down in my dressing gown # And say, that's it, everyone # Party over # You need to go I'm up early in the morning # Can you please take your coat off my bed? Ow! # Go somewhere to sleep There's two people in the coats # People are doing it in the coats! # Sex in coats party Sex in coats party Sex in coats party.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are LET'S PUMP.
The clue is - it's big and juicy.
That's LET'S PUMP - it's big and juicy.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
The words were LETS PUMP, and the clue was - it's big and juicy.
It was, of course, PLUMPEST.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Joe and Katherine, You get to choose the letters.
Let's do this.
Comes round quite, doesn't it? Can we have a consonant please, Rachel? Thanks, Katherine.
V Another consonant, please.
D CHEERING Another consonant, please.
M Vowel.
E Yep.
Another, please.
U Another vowel.
A And the rest consonants.
G I've no idea.
R and G.
And your time starts now.
Oh, shit LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, his head's gone.
Joe, what have you got? How many? It's irrelevant.
Five.
Katherine.
I've only got six.
Chris.
Yeah, six.
And Jon? Three.
Let's hear your three, Jon.
GUM.
What was your five, Joe? GREAT.
OK, Katherine, what was your six? Mine was GRATED, but like cheese.
Should have popped a D on the end.
Chris, your six.
Yeah, mine is the same, GRATED.
Oh, that's coincidence! Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE David and Susie, could they have done any better? Seven was the best with MATURED.
OK, so Joe and Katherine have 18, Jon and Chris have 31.
APPLAUSE So we're still in it to win it? No.
Why not? Because you are too far behind.
Why are you being a prick? OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL What exactly do we have to do? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You have to guess what the word is, it's jumbled up.
BUZZER Jon.
Oh, I've got it I thought it was TINCHIEST.
It's not TINCHIEST.
Not even close.
As in, "He is the TINCHIEST Stryder I have ever seen.
" APPLAUSE The smallest of the Stryders.
Let's try again.
BELL CHESTNUTS! I'll just check, it's not CHESTNUTS.
I'll start the clock again.
BUZZER Chris.
ITCHINESS.
ITCHINESS is Let's have a look.
Is it? Wonderful.
APPLAUSE So the final scores are Joe and Katherine have 18 points but tonight's winners with 41, Jon and Chris! APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown metal detector! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE S Sy Syn Sync w ww www
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, hypothermia is a state in which the core temperature of the body falls below 35 degrees? People who died from it include mountaineers, and during a cold snap, viewers of regular Countdown.
A Victorian slang term for a vagina was a crinkum-crankum.
I find it fascinating.
I love looking up things like that.
And to obnunciate is to announce bad news, as used in the sentence, the shopkeeper obnunciated, "I'm sorry, Rachel, but we only "have that particular dress in a child size.
" Saves on VAT, you'd know all about that, Jimmy.
Saves on VAT! CHEERING Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players, first up it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon recently became a father.
Jon's got OCD so the conception took a while as as soon as he turned his wife on, he had to go back and make sure she turned her off again.
And Jon's team-mate, Chris Addison.
I'm not saying Chris Addison has weirdly long limbs, but I'm not sure whether to laugh at him or trap him under a glass and put him outside.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
Joe lives in Brighton.
He fits right in because if there's one thing the residents of Brighton love, it's a hairy bum.
Joining Joe tonight is Katherine Ryan.
Wow! Katherine Ryan is Canadian.
If you don't know much about Canada, just imagine America is Waitrose then Canada is a really boring country just to the north of Waitrose.
Katherine, you often tweet about celebrities.
If you could go on holiday with any celebrity, who would it be? Oh, my gosh! I'd probably go on holiday with you.
Good choice.
W-Why me? I mean, I think you're super fun and I know you live a lavish lifestyle and like, I think you need a best friend.
MUTTERING And we have LAUGHTER You know I'm a real boy? I could watch you be mean to people.
I would love that We'd stay in the best hotels and no-one would ever rob us, Kardashian style.
You're turning into Sean Connery.
Bit of advice, don't go on holiday with Richard and Judy.
What happens? What happened? All they do is read books and screw.
JIMMY LAUGHS Joe, how do you unwind at the end of a hard day? Ohhhh.
how do I unwind? What I like to do, is I like to run a hot bath.
Put some bubbles in it.
Sprinkle some petals in there.
Pour myself a nice glass of wine and I slide in the bath and I wait for whosever house I've just broken into.
APPLAUSE Jon, here's a question for you.
Hello.
What's currently on your to-do list? I'm currently heading up an investigation into why men have stopped wearing socks.
At what point somebody decided it was fine, but it really isn't fine.
The fungicide.
I got bullied for having half-mast trousers at school.
I wore them deliberately to show off a quite splendid sock range.
Those kids now You had trousers that were too short for YOU? Chris, in The Thick Of It you did quite a lot of creative swearing.
Yes.
Do you do any of that in real life? Have you got any good? Fuck, yes.
Do you swear at inanimate objects? Yeah.
I called the chair a fuckwad.
Nobody else was around.
There was nobody that I was addressing I stubbed my toe and called it a fuckwad.
I've called my cat a little arsehole before now.
That's when you know it's slightly out of control.
How do you get around to? You've got kids? Yeah.
Do you swear in front of them or do you use creative? I try to avoid swearing in front of them because I don't want them to guess what the Wi-Fi password is.
You've got to swear as much as you can in front of your kids because you're not cool to them and therefore swearing isn't cool.
That's good.
So I know that my daughter is never going to swear like, bang a load of guys in the garden.
Or if she does, she won't call it "bang".
She'll say make love to a load of guys in the garden.
And that's the kind of loser I want.
OK, Chris, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I have.
What did you bring? I brought this crocheted dissected rat.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER Wow! My wife made me it for my last birthday.
She said I've got exactly what you want for your birthday.
She sat up at nights crocheting me a dissected rat.
Are you sort of mid-divorce now? We've been together about 18 years so you run out of ideas after about nine.
Most people go with like, bondage.
Those were years ten through 13, so were through that.
What do you get her? What do I get her? Yes.
I get her an Amazon voucher.
Between 25 and £50, depending on how the year has been.
The worst thing about that's I can just see Jon's little head going, "What a good idea!" Katherine, have you got a mascot? I have a mascot.
What's your mascot? ODD ACCENT: I've been in show business ten years now.
Have you? Yeah.
Where are all these accents coming from this evening? Ten years in show business.
So I wear shoulder pads, that's number one.
2-nil on shoulder pads, isn't it? Yeah, I wear them as well.
How many years have you been in show business? I don't think you can call what Joe does show business.
What actually happened is the man that died in that suit .
.
had shoulder pads for reasons of his own.
To be fair, he put up a hell of a fight.
LAUGHTER So my mascot, after ten years in show business, I feel like it's time for me to start being an asshole.
Or at least having a celebrity quirk.
Because like, Christian Bale goes against superstitions.
He'll purposely pour out road salt, I read, walk under ladders.
You've got to be quirky.
Then there's you and all your stuff and so I've decided that I should start believing in and collecting crystals with metaphysical properties so this is a good one.
This is an amethyst, I think, and it gives you more creative energy.
You bury it in the garden so that it's powered by the Earth and you dig it up and just like Try it, Joe.
Then these ones I really believe in this! I carry them when I fly, I'm just like You can fly, that's fucking amazing.
Yeah.
This one supports, it's for unconditional love, that's what I have for you.
Also faith in you as a leader.
Thank you.
This one is just like for purity and this is the sea, I don't know why, just so you can swim better.
So I brought them here today to help us win.
Are you getting enough sleep? No! OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have, Jimmy.
This week I've brought a mascot that I hope to monetise.
Oh! This isn't just my mascot, it's now the official Countdown mascot because to my knowledge you don't have one.
So this is now the official Countdown mascot.
This is Clocky.
APPLAUSE It's got a fall-back story, Clocky.
Born in the '60s, so not into drugs himself, but his parents did a lot.
As a result, not really looked after but managed to get himself to a university and went to Clocksford.
GROANING Then Countdown happened in 1983 and suddenly everybody wanted a 30-second clock.
Now you can take Clocky around with you.
If you buy your own Clocky, it's got a little pad here, this is the clocksucker.
LAUGHTER You can attach Clocky to whatever you like and he's just good for any point you want 30 seconds to go by.
So if someone rings and you don't want to talk to them, you just start Clocky and COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS That noise on the phone gives a certain sort of pressure to whoever you're talking to.
Yeah, I've got about 30 seconds, bang! COUNTDOWN JINGLE Bye! What else do you use it for, Jon? You can do 30-second workouts.
30-second workouts? That's quite a big thing now, what do they call it? High-intensity, HIT training.
They say do 20 minutes, I say 30 seconds.
Can we see 30 seconds of training? You do like 30 seconds of push-ups, something like that, so What would you do? I do 30 seconds of push-ups, I do that every day.
Yeah, go on.
I just don't think I need to.
I just think it's so clear.
You can do 30 seconds of step ups.
I think we'd want to see 30 seconds of push-ups? CHEERING Oh! Careful.
I think you've just broken that.
I think it may be a design flaw.
SQUEAKING Sorry, did you just blow? I just blew in the clocksucker! I fucked it! Come on, Jon, we're looking forward to this.
Ah I don't know why I even got into this position.
Ready? Yeah.
You start and I'll press.
You press and I'll start.
Worth a go! You can do it, Jon.
CLOCK TICKS Go ahead.
JON GROANS That's one! LAUGHTER HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Keep going, Jon, do it for Clocky! Three! Come on! AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS Five.
Six.
Oh! About 50, was it, I think? OK.
Joe, do you have a mascot? Yeah, I do but it's a little bit embarrassing, my one.
It's I, basically, when I was little, I had a doll.
I loved that doll, I took it everywhere with me so, basically, I brought my doll along.
Got the doll as a kid.
This is the doll I had when I was a toddler.
LAUGHTER AND APLAUSE Erm Her name is Tiffany.
Yeah, we went everywhere together.
Is that not a sex doll? What's wrong with you? No.
You're a pervert, mate.
This is a kids' doll.
Right, Jon, hold that, right.
I don't really want to touch it.
LAUGHTER She's just a little doll, mate.
You had that when you were a child? Yeah, I got it as a christening present.
Urgh! What are you doing? Holy hell! Oh, it's squidgy! It's squidgy! Feel it.
It's a lovely dolly.
EURGH! Oh! Whoa! Basically, she's just a normal doll that every kid had.
I'll prove it to you.
Look, this is us This is us at LAUGHTER This is us at the funfair.
This is us This is us at football training.
I can't believe you think it's a sex doll.
It's just a perfectly normal doll.
Who gave you the doll, Joe? My uncle Terry.
It's a It's a christening present.
He had a load in a van.
She can make a fist.
Yeah, she can, yeah.
It can go up your arse as well.
LAUGHTER Come on, let's get you out of here.
APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE David has that "just got out of bed" look, if the bed was some flattened cardboard boxes in the doorway of a Currys Digital.
You look like Dracula's less successful younger brother.
Count Down! Wahey! APPLAUSE David, if you died today, what would be your greatest achievement? Erm I mean, a lot of people talk about it, but I actually did the old popcorn trick a few years ago.
What? In the cinema, the popcorn and you have it on your lap.
And you just, you know, you WHISTLES With the? Up through the I actually did I'm the one person who actually did it.
Wow! The movie choice was wrong.
Philomena is LAUGHTER It's an amazing film, but And the other problem is, I had been led to believe it would be instant hilarity, but the two things that I hadn't factored in were one - is the size of a contemporary cinema popcorn box.
So it was like a giant wastepaper basket.
And secondly, how salted LAUGHTER AND GROANING .
.
the popcorn is.
I think I basically pickled it.
I think It's possible, hundreds of years after I'm dead, my wanger will still be perfectly preserved.
People will think it was like a Viking's purse or something like that.
Susie, were you surprised when you got to the bottom? LAUGHTER OK.
And with David, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE In David's most recent book, he named a squirrel after Susie Dent.
Small, wild and with an insatiable appetite for nuts, Susie was delighted.
I was really happy when he told me I was a character in his book.
And then the squirrel bit came and I thought, well, OK.
But apparently I'm a thief.
I'm a credit card thief.
Yeah, Susie Susie helps me with I write children's books and Susie knows the correct way to spell "meow" and words like that, and then to thank her, I made her into a criminal squirrel in the new book.
Yeah, that's KATHERINE: Aw! That's the time she met Joe.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel loves her food and for a treat, she often eat gluten-free, organic, vegan cupcakes.
That's a coincidence, Rachel, because sometimes as a treat, I don't.
Rachel, what's your worst habit? I guess food, like you said.
There's a lot of stuff I can't eat, so sometimes it's just finding whatever's in the cupboard I can eat.
So the other day, I had just nachos for starters and thought I'd do a bit of cooking for main, so I had toast.
LAUGHTER The worst one I ever made was gluten-free pasta with Doritos dip.
Mmm(!) It was rank, absolutely disgusting.
You bloody fool.
Joe, what's your worst habit? Following people around, I suppose.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown metal detector.
BEEPING APPLAUSE BEEPING GETS FASTER EXTREMELY FAST BEEPING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Chris, you get to pick the letters.
Please.
Oh, can I? Brilliant! Please can I have a vowel? You can.
Thank you, Chris.
South paw! Two vowels.
A.
Three consonants O.
And four from anywhere else, please.
G, L R Erm A consonant.
F Vowel.
I Oh, God.
Erm Consonant.
P And vowel.
And E And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
All right.
One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
Right, hang on.
This is easy.
LAUGHTER All right, erm Call it a draw? Yeah, fuck you, lady.
Yay! APPLAUSE Chris, how many? Seven.
Oh! Jon, how many? Er, eight.
Oh, for fu Huh?! Joe, how many? Five-ish.
Five-ish.
And Katherine? Six.
Not seven or eight.
OK.
Joe, your five? LAGER.
LAUGHTER Katherine, your six? GOALIE.
Yeah.
Ah, fuck Chris, your seven? FRAGILE.
Huge.
Jon, your eight? It's another word for a lady's night aid.
A FRIGPOLE.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes, a FRIGPOLE.
No FRIGPOLE.
Seven points to Chris.
APPLAUSE Good, a good start.
All I've ever wanted! It's a good start.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? We got a couple.
And by "we" I mean one of us more than the other got a couple of other sevens.
PROFILE, PERGOLA.
One eight, though.
LEAPFROG.
Oh Yeah, sorry, guys.
LEAPFROG.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Chris are in the lead with seven.
APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Joe and Katherine, you get to pick the numbers.
I don't know what's going on, you do it.
You just have to decide how many big numbers we want and how many small we want.
Er OK.
I feel sick when they do this.
I find this one really hard.
DAVID: Has anyone ever gotten no biggies? Can you get all littlies? Yeah.
Is that? I mean, if you were just trying to ruin them, that might be an option.
I'm David, what the hell, man? We've known each other for years! Let's, let's, let's have 100, because that's always easy.
Yeah! And then some little ones.
You can't actually pick THE numbers! She's rubbing a crystal on his head.
Go with six small and press the button.
OK.
You manifest and say what number you want it to be, and I bet it will be it.
2 OK, what's she going to say next? 4 Er, 4.
And then? Er, I mean (1!) 1.
Yep! What do you think next? It's a small picture of a pony.
LAUGHTER OK, Joe.
Go on, guess the target, then.
I'll guess the target, hold on.
7, 2 and 4.
Guess the target, come on.
723, bang on.
So close(!) 315.
So close! That was That was freaky! LAUGHTER OK, and your time starts We haven't got big ones! .
.
now.
JON: You've fucked us here, mate.
KATHERINE: You can't do it! How the hell? We need a big one! LAUGHTER Even a 25.
Oh, this is making me feel sick.
I just can't do that.
OK, that was a really bad idea.
LAUGHTER So, the target was 315.
Joe, did you get it? I got four.
LAUGHTER Could you talk us through your working? I just wrote four in the corner.
OK, so you wrote four.
Literally, the whole Yeah.
What did you get, Katherine? I got 280.
280, wow.
That's excellent.
Chris, did you get it? I got 230.
Whoo! I'm smarter than Chris Addison.
OK, Jon, did you get it? No, I didn't.
But I sort of think Well, Jon, bear in mind I got a sum.
That's a good start! But I just didn't get any of the numbers in the sum.
I basically multiplied everything together except the one, which I added to try and I popped a four in the corner.
LAUGHTER If you show that If you show that to Jimmy, he's not going to say that's a four.
I'd like to point out, Chris and Jon, I've got the same amount of points as you and I just wrote a four in the corner.
LAUGHTER OK, Rachel, it was easy.
How did you do it? It was impossible, actually.
Yes! HE CACKLES you could have got some points, but you couldn't have got 315.
OK, so the scores at the moment - Joe and Katherine have no points.
Jon and Chris have seven.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are A BELL END.
The clue is - you can have it, but I'll need it back.
That's A BELL END.
You can have it, but I'll need it back.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
the words were A BELLEND, the clue was - you can have it, but I'll need it back.
It was of course LENDABLE.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Joe and Chris.
So, Joe, your turn to choose the letters, Chris, your turn to win.
I'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Joe.
S Ah, yeah, could be plural.
Um LAUGHTER I'll have a T, then, could be, like, STOP.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whenever you hold the crystal, you look like Rasputin.
Let's put some of them in you, like in your pockets.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't want to win THAT much.
Right, pop an O up.
Close, U.
All right, a P.
Oh, and now a P.
Oh, I've got to write them down.
Shite.
A consonant, please.
G I need more of the other ones.
Vowels.
Yep.
Vowels.
O And then I'll have another Yeah, go on, then, I'll have a vowel.
I Oh, an N.
I mean, consonant.
S OK, and your time starts now.
SWING MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm just going to stretch this out.
I think I've done my hamstring.
Shit.
Joe, what did you get? How many? Can you ask Chris first? Chris, how many? I got one more than Joe.
So, Joe, how many did you get? Do you reckon that's a word? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've got a five.
Yeah, Chris, what have you got? I have actually got a five.
Yes! Whoa! We're in it, we're in it.
Chris, what was your five? SWIGS, or TWIGS.
Joe, your five? MOIST.
Oh! Oh, that's really good, isn't it? I was going to go MOISTS, plural.
Cos he gets all the babes wet.
Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Susie Dent, am I right in saying that your least favourite word in the English language is MOIST? Yes.
Could it be plural? Well, it can't be plural, but these days you can put an S on it as a verb.
Oh, shit the bed! What does it mean, then, MOISTS? She moists the? Ugh! Do you like the word gusset? Look! Look what you've done to Dictionary Corner.
What about the word squelch? It's all right.
I quite like squelch.
You like squelch.
Squelch is all right.
I think we've lost focus.
OK, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better, Dictionary Corner? No, six is top, really.
OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Katherine have five points, which they're very pleased about, and Jon and Chris have 12.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right Now time for Jon and Katherine to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
Bung a big one up.
Trust me, it's quality and all.
Bung a big one up, please, Rachel.
Just the one? And then what's the verb for the small ones? A couple of titchy ones.
A couple of titchy ones.
Couple of titchy ones.
And then go for your life, love.
And then go for your life, love.
All right, don't piss about, put the little ones.
1 and 8.
And the target LAUGHTER I could do that! Shall we? No, don't you dare! OK, and your time starts now.
No, no, I don't know.
So, Katherine, did you get it? No, I got 771.
Oh, that's amazing.
Pretty good, though.
Jon, did you get it? I got 769.
Ha-ha! Oh, that's the same.
LAUGHTER Katherine, how did you get 771? 8 x 100 = 800 Yep.
Lovely stuff.
7 x 4 = 28 + 1 = 29 800 - 29 = 771 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Seven points to Katherine.
How did you get 769? This is going to get very exciting for Joe, because I actually got 779.
Oh! Ooh! Oh! Ooooh! LAUGHTER Seven points for Katherine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's make a game of it.
It's the crystals, do you think? Yeah, you put one up your bum, magic happens.
If you believe in the universe, you can make amazing things happen.
I mean, I believe in the universe Explain how we're winning.
Are we winning? No.
LAUGHTER Rachel, 770 looked pretty easy to me.
Could it be done? Yeah, there were a couple of ways.
Oh, of course there are.
Sorry, Joe.
You could have said 100 + 4 = 104 x 7 = 728 - 8 + 50 = 770 Yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Joe and Katherine have 12, Jon and Chris also have 12.
It's all level.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time now to go over to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? Well, I've got the I've got the party machine, everyone, and this is a song about communication.
# My friend was in a restaurant on a date # And the date was going really badly # The guy was boring and stupid guy he'd ever been on a date with # He was wondering why he'd gone on a date # With such a boring and stupid guy # Just then the boring and stupid guy got up and went to the loo # And my friend decided to send a text message # To another of our friends # Outlining the ways in which the guy was both boring and stupid # And including in it some direct quotes of things that he'd said # That were boring and stupid # But when the boring and stupid guy came back from the loo # He could barely talk and he had obviously just been crying # And my friend realised that he'd sent a text # To the person that text was about # Yes, he'd sent a text # To the person the text was about # You can try and pretend it was just a joke # Ha-ha-ha-ha # But you were just being rude # In an over-the-top, inappropriately jokey way # But you can never be sure if the person believes you # So your relationship's effectively ruined any way # You can just be honest and apologise # But now they know what you actually think about them # The best thing you can do is just delete their details from your phone # And hope you never, ever, ever, ever see them again # A while ago I did this song for the first time ever # I was my way home on my bike having tried out this song # And I felt a text message in my pocket # So I pulled over my bike to see who it was from # And it was from a friend of mine who'd been at the gig # And the text message said # That was the worst gig I've ever seen him do # He used to be funny but he's really lost it lately # Complete bullshit # And even though he phoned up a minute later # And we had a good laugh about what a hilarious prank he'd played # I still can't be sure # He didn't send the text To the person the text was about.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SUCK PITS, the clue is - put your hands above your head.
That's SUCK PITS, put your hands above your head.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SUCK PITS.
The clue was - put your hands above your head.
It was, of course, STICK UPS.
Before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
I've got a selection of objects, all spelt with nine letters.
All they have to do is identify them with their hands whilst wearing a blindfold.
Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points.
Jon and Joe, you're playing this, so join me at the feeling station.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Put one in your pocket.
This one.
Here you go.
Thanks, mate.
Joe, you're just over the cover on that little mark there.
Sorry, mate.
LAUGHTER Oh, it's going to be like that, is it? OK.
So you're against the clock.
All you've got to do is identify the nine-letter objects.
First person to guess correctly wins the point.
Your time starts now.
KLAXON First item, please.
Where the hell is it? It's going to be in between the two of you.
OK, there it is.
Ah! Oh! Oh, hello.
There you go.
Brassiere? Brassiere is the right one.
Well done.
Next one.
You've got to be quick.
OK, there you go.
Be gentle, be gentle, be gentle.
Oh, it's a dog.
Let me just check with Susie.
Is that a nine-letter word? It isn't, it's three letters.
Sausage dog.
Is it a sausage dog? It is a sausage dog, yeah.
But what are they called? A Dach Dachshund.
Dachshund.
Yes, that's right.
Oh! OK.
Don't worry, that dog's gone.
Gone to live on a farm now.
OK, guys.
Well, kind of that way.
In there.
There you go.
Oh, Christ! You have to go lower down, lower down.
Not there, lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Lower.
There you go.
Oh, er stockings.
Correct.
Yes! LAUGHTER OK.
Go lower, lower, lower.
There you go.
Around there.
Lower, Joe.
Joe, a bit lower.
What do you think that could be? Cock and balls! No, it's not a cock and balls, no.
Strap on? Ho-ho-ho! Sausage.
It's a kind of sausage.
Frankfurter.
A small sausage is called a Chipolata! Chipolata is the right answer, yeah.
OK.
He's Come on, Joe.
Hey! Let's see if if Joe recognises his own father.
Scientist? It's not a scientist.
Fisherman.
Yeah! Yes, correct answer.
KLAXON What's happening.
Hey! LAUGHTER JOE GIGGLES LAUGHTER Jon, you got the most right, that means you get five bonus points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon, Chris, your turn to choose the letters.
Sorry, Katherine.
Consonant, please.
Thank you, Jon.
H And a vowel.
A A consonant, please.
T.
Yes! I'm out.
APPLAUSE A consonant, please.
S Shouldn't have declared yourself out too early, mate.
You just lost around.
SHAT.
A vowel, please.
E A vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
K And a consonant, please.
R And a final consonant, I guess.
And a final N.
OK.
And your time starts now.
Oh, crap! Joe, how many? Four.
OK, Katherine, how many? Six.
Six.
Oh, magic stuff! Chris, how many? Six.
We're still in it.
Jon? Eight.
Oh, hello! Is it a risky eight? I would put your mortgage on it.
Joe? Well, I've got a couple.
I've got HATS.
And I've got SHAT.
Katherine, your six.
THANKS.
Smashing stuff.
Chris? SHITER.
More shite.
SHITER.
Yes.
Is SHITER in there, Susie? I'm sorry? We were just Sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you two maybe need some popcorn? Is SHITER in there? SHITER is not in there, I'm afraid, Chris.
OK.
Jon, your eight? THINKERS.
Amazing.
Brilliant.
THINKERS.
APPLAUSE OK.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? THINKERS is as good as we're going to get, an eight.
OK.
Eight points to Jon and Chris.
APPLAUSE So at the end of that, Jon and Chris are in the lead with 25 points.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
David, what have you got for us? Well, I've made a mistake in the past of sometimes looking at Twitter while the show is on and there's a lot of things that are said about Dictionary Corner.
One of the criticisms is that, Susie, we don't like to party and that is so wrong.
Right here.
Going to give you Susie, what's the time? It's party time.
Correct.
# Cos there's a partially starting right now # You are all invited Party starting right now # Time to get excited # As if the neighbours who live on this side have gone away and the # Neighbours that live on this side are old and pretty much deaf # Party, party, party, party, party! # There's gonna be lots of ladies and men at our parties # With some cheese in the kitchen Babybels # There will be streamers flying through the air # Someone will probably go home wearing someone else's coat # It's going to be fucking mayhem! # Call all of your friends and invite them along # But not friends of friends That would be too many friends # And this party is some basic ground rules # You don't want a situation like at Rob's party last year # Where a CD went missing # Someone broke a chair # And someone tried to fill Rob's dog with helium # Tried to stick him up onto the ceilium # But he didn't float up or bark high-pitched # He just became violently ill Party, party, party, party, party! # Someone's drinking beer from a shoe with a crazy straw, ow! # When the party starts to rock # Don't use the downstairs loo because it gets blocked # Whoo! We're gonna party all through till the break of dawn # Or until I come down in my dressing gown # And say, that's it, everyone # Party over # You need to go I'm up early in the morning # Can you please take your coat off my bed? Ow! # Go somewhere to sleep There's two people in the coats # People are doing it in the coats! # Sex in coats party Sex in coats party Sex in coats party.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are LET'S PUMP.
The clue is - it's big and juicy.
That's LET'S PUMP - it's big and juicy.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
The words were LETS PUMP, and the clue was - it's big and juicy.
It was, of course, PLUMPEST.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Joe and Katherine, You get to choose the letters.
Let's do this.
Comes round quite, doesn't it? Can we have a consonant please, Rachel? Thanks, Katherine.
V Another consonant, please.
D CHEERING Another consonant, please.
M Vowel.
E Yep.
Another, please.
U Another vowel.
A And the rest consonants.
G I've no idea.
R and G.
And your time starts now.
Oh, shit LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, his head's gone.
Joe, what have you got? How many? It's irrelevant.
Five.
Katherine.
I've only got six.
Chris.
Yeah, six.
And Jon? Three.
Let's hear your three, Jon.
GUM.
What was your five, Joe? GREAT.
OK, Katherine, what was your six? Mine was GRATED, but like cheese.
Should have popped a D on the end.
Chris, your six.
Yeah, mine is the same, GRATED.
Oh, that's coincidence! Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE David and Susie, could they have done any better? Seven was the best with MATURED.
OK, so Joe and Katherine have 18, Jon and Chris have 31.
APPLAUSE So we're still in it to win it? No.
Why not? Because you are too far behind.
Why are you being a prick? OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL What exactly do we have to do? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You have to guess what the word is, it's jumbled up.
BUZZER Jon.
Oh, I've got it I thought it was TINCHIEST.
It's not TINCHIEST.
Not even close.
As in, "He is the TINCHIEST Stryder I have ever seen.
" APPLAUSE The smallest of the Stryders.
Let's try again.
BELL CHESTNUTS! I'll just check, it's not CHESTNUTS.
I'll start the clock again.
BUZZER Chris.
ITCHINESS.
ITCHINESS is Let's have a look.
Is it? Wonderful.
APPLAUSE So the final scores are Joe and Katherine have 18 points but tonight's winners with 41, Jon and Chris! APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown metal detector! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE S Sy Syn Sync w ww www