8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s15e02 Episode Script
Lee Mack, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Alan Carr, Dane Baptiste, Sam Simmons
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Alan Carr .
.
Lee Mack .
.
Victoria Coren Mitchell .
.
Dane Baptiste .
.
Sam Simmons .
.
Susie Dent .
.
and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, pleionosis is a tendency to exaggerate one's own importance? Of course, I'd never do that.
I simply don't have the time in my busy schedule.
One litre is the amount of saliva the average person produces in a day - and, if you're Welsh, most of it ends up on the face of whoever you're talking to.
And the word "platoon" derives from a French word meaning small ball.
Great, because, "I've got two platoons in my trousers" at least sounds impressive.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
- First up, it's special guest team captain Alan Carr.
- Oh! APPLAUSE Alan Carr is TV's answer to the question, why is that giant beaver wearing those glasses? Horrible, isn't he? And Alan's team-mate, Dane Baptiste.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
Dane is a streetsmart comedian known for his edgy personality and uncompromising material.
You might have seen him on ITV's Celebrity Squares with Warwick Davis.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Lee Mack.
APPLAUSE - Lee used the work of Butlins.
Outdated - PONTINS! I I I don't mind the joke, Jimmy, but don't get me started.
- I I'm so sorry.
- Pontins.
I think the joke's still gonna work.
It'll work for everyone else, but not for me, cos I'll be crying on the inside.
Now carry on.
Get it right this time.
- Ooh - OK.
You used to work Pontins.
Outdated, cheap and loved by old people LAUGHTER .
.
Lee's a national treasure.
APPLAUSE Fun fact, Lee Mack is what you ask for if you want to buy a computer in France.
- That's not hurting anyone, is it? - No.
That's a lovely little joke.
Not really your style, cos it's pleasant.
And funny.
APPLAUSE They've turned! They've turned on me.
Help! Don't you say I'm a bloody beaver again.
OK, joining Lee tonight, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE Victoria is probably the smartest person we've ever had on the show, which is damning with faint praise.
It's like being the hottest person on Embarrassing Bodies.
Victoria, you're a professional poker player.
Do you think we would make a good poker player? Yeah, I mean, everyone's I've seen Lee on Would I Lie To You, and I'd love to play poker with Lee! - Mm - No, in all seriousness, actually, genuinely, he would make a great poker player.
Lee is intelligent to the point of being a bit weird, and quite a sick gambler, so, yes, would be the answer.
I like a bit of gambling.
- What's the biggest sort of bet? - Risk I take? - Yeah.
I once didn't jump out of the bedroom window with Victoria till David just opened the door.
That was quite risky, wasn't it? Yeah, David was desperate to get out.
APPLAUSE Classic.
- OK.
Lee.
- What? - As a teenager, you wanted to become a professional darts player.
- Yes.
What changed? I don't know, I found out very quickly that the problem with darts is that knowing the perfect checkout on 134 is not the greatest way to entice a lady into bed.
A lot of people think it's treble 20, treble 14, double 16.
It's not.
It's two treble 17 this and a double 16, cos then you don't have to move away from the treble.
- It's working for me.
- See? I just think, to be honest with you, I didn't want to play futile games with fat middle-aged men.
And yet here I am.
APPLAUSE Dane, are you a fan of Countdown? Yeah, I used to watch it at university.
Are you any good - are you better at letters or numbers? I'm better I think I'm better at letters.
- I struggled with maths, because - It's boring.
Yeah - no, what happened in school was that we once had a maths class and a pigeon flew in the window, and that's all I remember about the entire course, so To give you an idea of how much I care about maths.
Yeah.
If you win this evening, how are you gonna celebrate? Um I think I will probably call one of my teachers who said I wouldn't amount to anything - although she's teaching under a Tory government, so who's losing now?! APPLAUSE Alan, you got a little bit of colour in your face, I notice.
- Have you been away? - Yeah, I went to Barcelona - or, "Barthelona".
I like to pretend I've got a massive tongue.
And Yeah, I had a lovely time.
I had, like, tapas, sangria - all the normal things, you know, that happen in Barcelona.
Got mugged.
No, I didn't.
How did you find the famous Barcelona nightlife? Yeah, a stag party befriended me, and they wanted - LAUGHTER - No, they did.
They said, "Come and" Have you heard of stripper and a steak? No.
What's stripper and a steak? I'd never heard of this.
They said, "Alan! Hey, Alan, come with us.
"We're gonna have strippers and a steak.
" I mean, how pissed do you have to be to think that Alan Carr is the missing piece of your pussy patrol jigsaw? How was the steak? I didn't go! I'm not gonna do that, that's demeaning, innit? To steak? Can I just say, I credit you for a very gentlemanly question.
"We went for strippers and a steak," "How was the steak?" - That's my kind of guy.
- Yeah.
And I like my women like I like my steak.
Rare.
APPLAUSE It feels like your shirt's sort of sticking out.
Is there a issue with it? Is it OK? Well, actually, it's my lucky mascot.
- Your mascot? What is your mascot, then? - Yeah.
Well, you know, like You know when you go and you watch football or rugby at a sports bar? Well, I thought, let's bring that closer to home, so I've brought a sports bra.
You see, you know you've got jogger's nipple? What about jogger's tipple? Baileys.
I mean, it's not as much Baileys as we were hoping for.
Well LAUGHTER Alan, I've been waiting to say this to you.
Alan, I think your tits are broken.
Well, I'll try the other one.
You know what? - You know when you're slagging me off earlier? - What? It was slowly going down me tit.
You know you're going, "Yeah, you look like a beaver," I was like, "Ha, ha, ha! It's all down me tit.
" - This is Guinness, this is Guinness.
- Ah.
Oh, look, it's coming out now! It's flowing.
Look, it's like Niagara.
Aah! APPLAUSE I mean I think there's a good chance Alan drank it all - before he came to the show.
- Oh, give over.
Can you imagine people switching over thinking this is QVC or something? "So easy!" - It all This is bringing back harrowing memories.
- What?! Have you ever seen the hands-free double electric breast pump? - I bet you haven't.
- What do you mean "double electric"? Let me tell you, the first few weeks, you're like, "Oh, I wouldn't let my husband see that," because you wanna keep the mystique alive.
By month four, "Ugh!" Like a cow on a pump - and, you know, it says on the box, "Now fully hands-free.
" So, you can do a crossword AND wave at the neighbours.
Why would it need to be? Don't you worry.
You just "Oh, oh, it's so painful to watch Alan.
" Mm.
You'll never know.
OK.
Um, Lee, have you got a mascot this evening? - I have got a mascot, yes.
- What have you got? Well, I'll tell you what it is.
When I'm tried to concentrate, there's nothing I like better than chewing a pencil, and the problem I've got is that I always struggle with the fact - that I don't like the taste.
- Mm.
So, I've been online, and I've managed - you can buy anything online now - a selection of pre-chewed pencils.
So, it allows me to look at it without all the hassle of having to actually chew the things, so There's a selection of them.
They're from different people around the world.
- Got some celebrity ones.
I've got - Who've you got? You can pop that in your mouth, if you like Nice, isn't it? That one's Shane MacGowan's.
That's Might wanna have a rinse after that one.
I've got them all.
I've got a Monica Lewinsky one, which is very, very chewed and sucked.
Which I appreciate is quite an old reference point for a joke, but given that the joke is relying upon the fact that I need a celebrity famous for chewing and sucking, it's quite a narrow field.
Actually, funnily enough, I've even got the Alan Carr one.
- That's pretty chewed, as well.
- ALAN: Oh, look! Don't worry, I would have done the same joke, if anyone You know, if Janet Street Porter had been on, or Rob Beckett, or Desert Orchid, so it's not aimed at you.
So, yeah, we've got 'em all there.
So, that's a little bit of visual prop that worked.
APPLAUSE - Victoria, have you got a mascot? - Oh, hang on, I forgot this one! This is quite a good joke.
Are you ready? It's quite a good joke, this.
I've even got a very old one.
This is Shakespeare's actually chewed pencil.
It's so chewed, I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.
- LAUGHTER AND GROANS - Fuck off! APPLAUSE I don't need to be here! I'm here out of love of the job, not because I've got tax bills and haven't been paid for 10 years.
APPLAUSE You don't have to do that with me.
I've been on the Des O'Connor show.
You're not laughing now, but I guarantee, that'll be the one that you wake up at three o'clock in the morning, and go, "2B or not 2B, that's quite good.
" I will, anyway - and I'll turn round, and I'll go, "Do you know what I said tonight, love?" "Oh, you left me years ago, didn't you?" - OK.
Victoria, have you got a mascot? - Sort of I mean, I don't really believe in luck any more, - so I just brought some practical things - Excellent.
.
.
that I carry with me everywhere.
I got a dock leaf, in case I get stung.
I just always have one.
Um - An extension cable - So you can plug in your dock leaf.
I've got A megaphone.
That's just to make my answers seem more credible.
Can we get a demonstration of the? "7 letters.
" "It IS a word.
" - Is the thing is, we live in a - LAUGHTER We live in a post-truth age, and this is really the post-truth replacement for scientific evidence.
"Look again, it's there.
" I just think it's got authority.
And then I've got this bone of a prehistoric man that was found in a swamp, just to remind me that none of this matters.
APPLAUSE Very good.
- Dane, heavy got a mascot? - I do, yeah.
It's, er It's nutmeg.
So, my parents are from Grenada, and nutmeg is like the national spice - the Spice Island, so, it's very important to us.
It's on our flag, and I'm hoping that, you know, I might slip some to Susie and Sam, so they get a bit more lenient with the answers, because it's got hallucinogenic properties - and then, if it really takes off, and hopefully becomes an illicit drug, I can sell it to middle-class kids at music festivals.
When you say it makes you hallucinate, could it make you believe that your boobs provided drinks? If you had enough.
Depending on the dosage.
I like the way I came on, and nobody even notice I had massive fucking tits.
No-one even noticed.
Welcome to my life.
I'm quite booby, as well.
I can see if I can do it.
We can form a boyband - Lactate That.
APPLAUSE 2B or not 2B! And over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons.
APPLAUSE Our lovely Sam.
Sam is Australian, which makes sense, because I'd imagine, if his face was upside down, it would look normal.
It's a beach vibe! What beaches are you going to?! Look, it's a chilled out beach vibe, just, like, hanging out, you know? Am I the only one that, every time you take that cap off, I expect the hair to be attached to the cap? OK.
Sam, what is the coolest thing you've ever done? I went paragliding with Willem Dafoe.
- Tell me everything.
- Right, so, he was I was strapped to him, because he was actually operating the paraglide, so, I was strapped to the front of him, and it was quite embarrassing, because he didn't know who I was, and we were just, like .
.
across this Mexican desert, just, like, sailing across.
My phone rang, it was my father, who rang with the news - bad news - that my father's leg come off, and I put him on the phone to Willem, and they had a big chat about it, and he talked my dad through it, and it was a difficult kind of time, but they still talk and connect with each other, and, yeah, we just landed, and I just wandered away, andso Yeah.
- Leg come off? - Yeah - I don't know where to begin with that story.
- I don't know - You asked No, hang on, you did ask me about a cool thing I did, and that's a pretty cool thing.
- How much of that is true? - None.
APPLAUSE OK, with Sam, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie has written 14 books on lexicography, and if you've ever wondered what it must be like to be a polar bear in a zoo, rocking back and forth in a tiny cage as you dream of the sweet release of death, you should read one.
VICTORIA LAUGHS That's so rude! I'm so used to it.
Susie, you wrote a book about the secret languages used by people in different jobs.
Have you got any that you could share with us this evening? Well, yes.
So, it was about the secret languages of different people, so, tribe talk, really, and butchers were quite cool, cos a lot of butchers in pockets of Britain speak back slang - not only are things spelt backwards, but they throw consonants in, and things.
So, they swear in back slang - so, "tish" is "shit", and "k-cuf fo", I think it is, is "fuck off", and they just learn all these amazing sentences just to impress each other.
"Who traffed?" "Who farted?" This is all going on in butcher's up and down the land.
Perhaps if they spent less time doing that and more time opening after one o'clock on a Saturday, I'd get some sausages.
- Good point.
- OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel went to Oxford, where she studied mathematics, covering quantum theory, fluid mechanics and applied maths, before eventually graduating with a degreeof smugness.
Do you have any preshow routines or rituals - that you could share with us? - Um Well, it's great, cos you can just get up 10 minutes before you have to leave, have a shower, come in - they do your hair and make-up, and then, once you've done that, a little bit of fake tan, and as the day goes on, they colour the holes in.
- Wh - They've got it down to an art.
Cos we film five shows in a go, sometimes we're months ahead, so it's winter in real life, but we've got to have a tan, because it's, you know, July in Countdown land.
Oh, yeah, cos if I'm watching Countdown in the afternoon and you guys haven't got a tan and it's summertime .
.
the whole thing's ruined.
Same with you, Jimmy.
Depending on when the show's going out, you use a different coat of varnish, don't you? Cos we do five shows a day, so, if I were a different outfit, and a lot of my dresses are a little bit odd, and they've got different holes and cut out bits, so you just have to colour them in - Oh, so the holes in your dresses? - Yes.
No further questions.
OK, the prize teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown lawn mower.
APPLAUSE You're grown fucking men.
What are you doing? Did I just have some nutmeg, as I watched?! OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Lee and Victoria, you get the first pick of the letters.
So, can we have a consonant, please, Rachel? - W.
- Er, I'll havea vowel, please.
- Am I picking these? - You pick, yeah.
- A vowel, please.
- U.
Er A consonant.
N.
Vowel.
E.
Consonant.
- M.
- Another consonant.
- D.
- Ooh How do you spell "women"? A vowel.
I.
A consonant.
L.
And another vowel, please.
And the last one I.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
OOMPAH BAND PLAYS APPLAUSE OK, Lee, how many? - I've got a risky 5.
- Risky 5, I like it.
- Victoria? - Er, 6.
I take it from the delivery of that 6, disappointed with the 6.
I I think there must be something more.
What, to life? Alan, how many? Well, I might have I've got a 5, and then I might have a risky 7.
- I would say even your 5 is probably at some risk.
- Yeah.
- You might as well risk the 7.
- Yeah, you're right, Jimmy! Dane? Er I had a 5, a safe-ish 5, but I wanna try a 6.
- You wanna try a risky 6.
- A risky 6.
- OK.
Lee, your 5.
Right, I'm going for a WILED.
W-I-L-E-D.
I've got a feeling that that is a word.
Could you use it in a sentence, just before we get to Susie? Yes, I'll use it in a sentence.
For example, "Susie, is WILED a word?" - Yes.
- Get out of here! - APPLAUSE Quite sinister.
It means to lure or entice.
OK.
Victoria, your 6.
Um, MILDEW.
- Ooh! - MILDEW.
- ALAN: Oh, that's good.
- MILDEW, OK.
Um Oh, you could have had UNMILDEW.
LAUGHTER We're half laughing, and half going, "I wonder if that's a word.
" Dane? - I have WILDEN.
- WILDEN.
Yeah.
Like, "He's a wild 'un.
" - Like "to make wild" - it's not there, I'm afraid.
- Mm.
- Oh, shit.
- Sorry, Dane.
No.
No can do.
Um, Alan, your risky 7.
- I don't even think this is a risk, I think you've got this.
- No! Well, I don't know! UNLIMED.
- You know, like you put - "What do you want your gin and tonic?" Yeah, you put, like, lime - "Oh, I don't want this," and you get the lime out.
"Ugh!" - UNLIMED.
- I think it's fairly safe to say What? No, it's not there.
Well, six points to Victoria and Lee.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, could they have done any better? - I've got a 7.
- Mm-hm? MINDLIE.
Which is when someone whispers a lie in one's mind.
And that one.
- That's the longest one.
- MINDLIE.
- MIDLINE, MIDLINE.
- Susie, don't make him read things out.
- MIDLINE.
- What is it? - MIDLINE, which is a plain of bilateral symmetry.
- Mm! So, at the end of that, Lee Victoria are in the lead with six.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Alan, Dane, you are to pick the numbers.
OK, what shall we do, four little ones and two big ones? - I like that.
- Yeah.
- Four little ones and two big ones, please, love.
- On it.
Right, the four little 'uns, we've got 9, 8, 2 and 3, and the two big ones - 100 and 75 - .
.
and the target, 144.
- Ooh, that should be easy.
- Should be, yeah.
- "Ooh, that should be easy," says Alan.
Oh, no, no, cut that out the show.
We will not.
This should be easy for Alan.
- Should be an easy one for Alan.
That's all he knows.
- Oh, shit.
- 144.
He knows this one.
Your time starts now.
Good luck.
OK, so, the target was 144.
Victoria, I noticed, with interest, after five seconds, you started drinking.
Either it's an easy one, or this is one of those ones where I've actually got 8,000.
We'll come back to you in a minute, then.
Lee, did you get it? - I got it.
- OK.
- Alan, did you get it? - I got 145.
Well, just no.
Just say, "No, no, I didn't.
" - "No, I didn't, I'm a disgrace.
" - No, no, I didn't.
- What are you? - A disgrace.
- That's not true! That's not true, Alan.
- Oh, thanks, Dane.
- What about you, Dane? Did you get it? - I think I got it.
- You think you got it? - Yeah.
- Oh, thank God! Well, how did you do it? So, I did 100 + 75 - 175.
- Yeah.
And then I did 3 + 2 is 5.
Yeah.
And then times that by 8 is 40.
- Take that away from 175 is 135 - Yeah.
- And plus the 9 is 144.
- Lovely, well done.
APPLAUSE Dane, everyone.
Dane Baptiste.
Victoria, Lee, did you do it the same way? I did it slightly differently.
I did 100 + 75 Then I did 9 x 8 is 27.
- Er, no, 9 x 3 is 27.
- Yeah! - And then 8 divided by 2 is 4.
- Yeah.
But then I got stuck.
LAUGHTER - Then you add them together to make 31.
- Yeah.
And then you minus that from the 175, and then you give me a medal.
APPLAUSE That's pretty good, OK.
- Did you do that, Victoria? - No.
She did a different way, as well.
Those are Those are much cleverer ways - I just did 75 x 2 is 150, and then 9 - 3 is 6, and take that away is 144.
Oh, we all did that, but then we thought LAUGHTER You used all the numbers.
Yeah, I just wanted to get Rachel involved.
She seemed bored over there.
That's really That's really elegant, to use all the numbers.
Yeah, well, 10 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Thank God.
OK, so, Alan and Dane have 10, Lee and Victoria have 16.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NUDE REST.
The clue is, my nan loves hers.
That's NUDE REST, my nan loves hers.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NUDE REST, the clue was, my nan loves hers.
It was, of course, DENTURES.
So, Lee and Victoria are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Alan and Victoria.
So, Alan, your turn to choose the letters.
- Two vowels, please.
- Thanks, Alan.
O and E.
Consonant, consonant, consonant.
B N Consonant, consonant.
X M And vowel.
I Consonant, please, love.
And T.
OK, and your time starts now.
SIREN BLARES Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
Five Four Three Two - One - BANG! SUSIE SCREAMS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERING - OK.
Alan, what have you got? - Six.
- Six? - Victoria, how many? - Six.
- What is your six? - MITTEN.
- MITTEN? - Yeah.
- OK, and, Alan? - BITTEN.
LAUGHTER Is that the same as hers but you've got a blocked nose? - Six points for both teams.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE - Susie, was there anything better than a six? - No, six was the best.
OK.
At the end of that, Alan and Dane have 16, Lee and Victoria have 22.
APPLAUSE Now, time for Dane and Lee to go head-to-head.
Lee, your turn to pick the numbers.
I will have I genuinely can't remember what you do on this.
- Is it? - Four big.
- What? You can have nought to four big ones.
Well, he's not going to have four big ones, Rachel, be realistic.
- It's Lee, give him a shot.
- Is it harder if you have four big ones? - Yeah.
- Right, then, I'll have two big ones.
Two big, four little.
Hang on, I haven't told you how many little ones I want yet.
- How many would you like? - I'll have the rest as little ones, please.
Thanks, Lee.
Right, the little ones, we've got 9, 10, 6, 4, and then the big ones, 50 and 75.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 857.
- Lee, did you get it? - No.
- But I've got something to offer.
- You've got something to offer? - 849 is my final answer.
- And what about you, Dane? - 850.
- 850! - Yeah.
- That's irritating.
- We'll see, we'll see.
OK, how did you get 850? 4 + 6 4 + 6 = 10 And then multiply that by 10.
And then multiply that by 9.
- 50 Yeah, 850.
Well, you were seven away, so that's five points for you, Dane.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, could it be done? - Leave it with me.
- What? I said, leave it with me.
OK, can I just remind everyone, that is Rachel's only job, so LAUGHTER We'll come back to Rachel.
OK, so, Alan and Dane have 21, Lee and Victoria have 22.
Neck and neck.
Oh, my word, it's close.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Sam Simmons, what have you got for us? Well, as you know, I'm an Australian man.
So, um This is a song about being an Australian man.
All right, this is a jaw harp, it goes like this.
BOING! Let's do it.
Australian man.
I had a shit start to my day.
You know what I did, Susie? I got my foot caught in the bottom of a duvet cover, you know the duvet cover, it's got the buttons that are spaced out button, button, button, button.
Then at the end there's just a loop of fabric.
I got my ankle caught in there.
I woke up in shock just dragging this duvet cover around the flat and my wife started yelling at me.
And not in a fun way, not like on a Friday night, you know when you get a bath towel and you shove it up your arse and you gallop around the house being a horsey? Australian man.
I met my wife in a car park.
Not dogging! Anyway, I saw she was putting her groceries into a hatchback and she was about to drive away and I thought, "No, she's the one for me," so what I thought I'd do, I'd get in my car and bang into her a little bit, just a little bit.
Like a little love bump, going to be a cheeky way to fall in love.
Anyway, I went around to the side of the car to meet her, turns out she wasn't really the one for me.
She was all screaming and covered in blood.
LAUGHTER # Australian man Man.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SLIM POLE, the clue is - you see a lot of them in the gym.
That's SLIM POLE, you see a lot of them in the gym.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SLIM POLE, the clue was, you see a lot of them in the gym.
It was, of course, PLIMSOLE.
OK, on with the game.
- Lee and Victoria, your turn to choose the letters.
- Please.
- Oh, OK.
No, please let me do it.
- Please.
- No, you do it.
- You do it.
- I'd only blame myself.
- We're like a married couple.
Come on, you do it.
- OK, OK.
- I will do it.
- Consonant.
H Consonant, please.
D Vowel.
A Consonant.
P Vowel, please.
E consonant.
F Consonant.
R Vowel.
O - What should I have? - I don't mind any more.
- Oh, what do you think? - Vowel.
OK, vowel, please.
I OK, and your time starts now.
- OK, Lee, how many? - Five.
- Victoria, how many? - Six.
- Alan? - Five.
- Dane? - Four.
- Well, let's hear the four.
What have you got? - PAID.
- PAID.
Oh, I've got a six now.
Do you know what? I'd be so good at this if it was just a little bit longer on the clock.
- I have got a six.
- What did you get? - What, my six or my five? - Yeah, what's your six? - REPAID.
- REPAID.
LAUGHTER That's good, isn't it? Why are you laughing? Because you've just taken his word and added RE- at the beginning.
Oh, yeah, that must have subliminally gone in and I thought I didn't even think that.
Isn't it funny? Don't say subliminally, he shouted it in your ear! Subliminal is not a man standing next to you going, "PAID!" and you going, "REPAID!" REPAID! - Lee, your five.
- My five is RADIO.
Oh, hang on, I've got a seven, RERADIO.
LAUGHTER OK, Victoria, your six.
- PAIRED.
P-A-I-R-E-D.
- Yeah.
OK, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE - Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're giving him it? - What, sorry? - You're giving him it, a six, for REPAIR? - REPAID, actually, REPAID.
I think that seems reasonable.
Why don't you sort out getting longer letters, - longer words, than having a go at me? - Longer letters, yeah! Can I have an EEEEEEEE? Sam Simmons, could they have done any better than six? No, there's only sixes.
So there's DIAPER FEDORA and PERIOD HAIRDO.
DIAPER FEDORA? So, at the end of that, Lee and Victoria are in the lead with 28.
APPLAUSE OK, on to another numbers round.
Alan and Dane, you're picking the numbers.
What should we have, like, the usual ones? - Four little ones and two big ones? - Yeah, I like that.
- Yeah.
Two big ones, four little ones.
And this time, they are 8, 3, 2 and another 8, 100 and 25.
- ALAN: Oh, lovely.
- And the target OK, good luck.
Your time starts now.
- So, the target was 621.
Dane, did you get it? - I think so.
OK, Alan, did you get it? - Yeah, I got 622, so - No.
- Lee, did you get it? - I'm going to have to go for 624.
- Victoria? - 622.
- 622, we're edging closer.
- Well, I got that, love! Oh, sorry, that was quite aggressive.
LAUGHTER Hold my glasses, I'm going in.
OK, Dane, how did you get it? - Wait, no, I didn't get it, sorry, I just checked.
- What?! - I, yeah, I didn't get it.
I got 624.
- I got RE-621.
- You got 624? - Yeah.
- You got what, sorry? - RE-621.
LAUGHTER OK, Alan, how did you get 622? 8 - 2 = 6 x 100 = 600 600 + 25 - 3 = 622 - That right, love? - It is, love.
APPLAUSE - You got that as well, did you? - Yeah, look, there.
8 - 2 x 100 = 600 25 - 3 = 22 OK, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Rachel, could it be done? And bear in mind, you've let us down once already today.
Oh, you just need a bit more time on this one? How are you getting on with that first one? Well, I went back to the other one during this one, because this one I got.
OK, do this one, do this easy one now and, I don't know OK, I will carry on with the other one.
I don't have to listen to you, I'm going to carry on with my fun.
We've definitely not lost interest.
100 - 25 = 75 + 2 = 77 x 8 = 616 8 - 3 = 5 616 + 5 = 621 And I'm back to the other one now, see you later.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Alan and Dane have 34, Lee and Victoria have 35.
It's neck and neck.
Very close.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across one last time to Dictionary Corner.
- Sam, what have you got for us? - I'm going to do some impressions.
VOICEOVER: This is an impression of a man who lost his dog named Dr Noodles.
Dr Noodles! Dr Noodles? Oh, where's Dr Noodles? This is an impression of a very arrogant man eating a slice of humble pie.
Man, I'm good at eating pie.
This is an impression of a man doing an Italian version of that cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon song.
Ah, the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon-ah.
And the little boy blue and the man on the moon-ah.
Ah, mamma mia! This is an impression of a man trying to smell his own face.
This is an impression of a man standing up in the middle of an important business meeting to feed a baby bird.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
Traditionally, I'm sure you're all aware we try and get the maths done in 30 seconds.
That is the rule on this game.
We've got a big clock, that's the whole point of Countdown.
Rachel, I believe the maths we did 15 minutes ago, how are you doing? I've got it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so what was the target? The target was 857.
- 857, couldn't be any easier, yeah.
- Yeah, so 75 - 6 = 69 Cool.
- 9 + 4 is your unlucky for some.
- 13.
69 x 13 = 897 50 - 10 = 40 And I can go for a long lie down.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment, Alan and Dane have 34, Lee and Victoria have 35.
Very close.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are LONE BUTT, the clue is - pop out the plug.
That's LONE BUTT, pop out the plug.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were LONE BUTT, the clue was "Pop out the plug.
" It was of course UNBOTTLE.
OK, time for our final letters game, and it couldn't be tenser.
Everything's neck and neck.
Alan, Dane, your turn to pick the letters.
Right, OK.
Um, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant.
R G N C Er, another consonant.
R Vowel, vowel, vowel.
O A O - Oh! I'll have a nice vowel.
- Yeah, have a vowel.
E And your 30 seconds startsnow.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Alan, how many? Seven.
- A seven-letter word? - Yeah, seven-letter word.
OK.
Let's go with that, let's imagine that's true.
And enjoy the moment and then we'll come back and find out why it isn't true in a minute.
- OK, Dane, how many? - Seven.
Seven as well? OK.
Lee? - Six.
- Victoria.
Just for the sake of the competition I'm going to have to say seven because if I say six then we just give them the lead, so I'm going to say seven although I've got dozens of seven-letter words that don't exist, so Seven.
OK.
Lee, what's your six? I think it will be in the dictionary.
GOONER, as in Arsenal fan.
- Er, no.
- Well, if it's not, she'll have written it in.
- Slang gets in, doesn't it? - No, it's capital letters.
No can do, and I am a GOONER, but I have to say, no, sorry.
- It's not in? - No.
- Victoria, your seven? - Let's try ORANGER.
- What?! Someone that deals in orangers, or ORANGER as an adjective, - but, you know, someone that sells - ORANGER.
No.
We have this Countdown rule, OK - be prepared to fall asleep now - that if That's just the rule, isn't it, full stop? LAUGHTER If an adjective is more than a single syllable, the comparative and superlative, so the ER and the ST, have to be specified in the dictionary, and And I make jokes about you being boring! - I feel like a bloody idiot now, Susie.
- Yeah.
Susie, I need to know this.
Is BLUER a word meaning more blue? - Yes.
- Why is specifically - GREENER.
- GREENER is a word, and browner.
- GREENER's a word.
- Yeah.
- So why isn't ORANGER a word? Hold on - you said if it's got more than one syllable, it's not allowed.
BLUER would be fine.
It is allowed - it just has to be specified - it has to be written out - YELLOW, YELLOWER, YELLOWIST.
I think that's a bit colourist.
Oh, I've got a That's a seven! That's a seven-letter word! ALAN: It's too late.
It wasn't in the allotted time.
LAUGHTER I've got a seven, Jimmy.
- I think we can allow it.
I think we can definitely allow it.
- What?! - Well, you've had so much over the allotted time this evening! - Ah! - MAN: Yes.
- Oh! Say it to my face.
Come down here and say it to my face.
LAUGHTER What is the seven? Er CORONER.
- Very good.
- CORONER.
- Very, very good.
- Dane, what was your seven? Mine was GROANER.
- GROANER.
- Hm-mm.
- Oh.
Alan, your seven? - And I also got GROANER.
- You got the same one as Yeah.
It must have gone in subliminally like that.
Seven points to both teams! APPLAUSE Susie, could they do any better than a GROANER? Um, we can have CROONER for seven, but seven's tops.
OK, so Alan and Dane have 41, Lee and Victoria have 42.
Only one point in it.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Are you ready? Ah-huh! LAUGHTER This is huge.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER BELL - Oh! - REBOOTING! - REBOOTING.
It's REBOOTING.
- Come on! Well, let's have a look and see, shall we? APPLAUSE The final scores are Alan and Dane have 41 points, but tonight's winners with 52, Lee and Victoria! You are now the owners of this - the Countdown Lawnmower! Thanks to all our panellists and our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Alan Carr .
.
Lee Mack .
.
Victoria Coren Mitchell .
.
Dane Baptiste .
.
Sam Simmons .
.
Susie Dent .
.
and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, pleionosis is a tendency to exaggerate one's own importance? Of course, I'd never do that.
I simply don't have the time in my busy schedule.
One litre is the amount of saliva the average person produces in a day - and, if you're Welsh, most of it ends up on the face of whoever you're talking to.
And the word "platoon" derives from a French word meaning small ball.
Great, because, "I've got two platoons in my trousers" at least sounds impressive.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
- First up, it's special guest team captain Alan Carr.
- Oh! APPLAUSE Alan Carr is TV's answer to the question, why is that giant beaver wearing those glasses? Horrible, isn't he? And Alan's team-mate, Dane Baptiste.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
Dane is a streetsmart comedian known for his edgy personality and uncompromising material.
You might have seen him on ITV's Celebrity Squares with Warwick Davis.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Lee Mack.
APPLAUSE - Lee used the work of Butlins.
Outdated - PONTINS! I I I don't mind the joke, Jimmy, but don't get me started.
- I I'm so sorry.
- Pontins.
I think the joke's still gonna work.
It'll work for everyone else, but not for me, cos I'll be crying on the inside.
Now carry on.
Get it right this time.
- Ooh - OK.
You used to work Pontins.
Outdated, cheap and loved by old people LAUGHTER .
.
Lee's a national treasure.
APPLAUSE Fun fact, Lee Mack is what you ask for if you want to buy a computer in France.
- That's not hurting anyone, is it? - No.
That's a lovely little joke.
Not really your style, cos it's pleasant.
And funny.
APPLAUSE They've turned! They've turned on me.
Help! Don't you say I'm a bloody beaver again.
OK, joining Lee tonight, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE Victoria is probably the smartest person we've ever had on the show, which is damning with faint praise.
It's like being the hottest person on Embarrassing Bodies.
Victoria, you're a professional poker player.
Do you think we would make a good poker player? Yeah, I mean, everyone's I've seen Lee on Would I Lie To You, and I'd love to play poker with Lee! - Mm - No, in all seriousness, actually, genuinely, he would make a great poker player.
Lee is intelligent to the point of being a bit weird, and quite a sick gambler, so, yes, would be the answer.
I like a bit of gambling.
- What's the biggest sort of bet? - Risk I take? - Yeah.
I once didn't jump out of the bedroom window with Victoria till David just opened the door.
That was quite risky, wasn't it? Yeah, David was desperate to get out.
APPLAUSE Classic.
- OK.
Lee.
- What? - As a teenager, you wanted to become a professional darts player.
- Yes.
What changed? I don't know, I found out very quickly that the problem with darts is that knowing the perfect checkout on 134 is not the greatest way to entice a lady into bed.
A lot of people think it's treble 20, treble 14, double 16.
It's not.
It's two treble 17 this and a double 16, cos then you don't have to move away from the treble.
- It's working for me.
- See? I just think, to be honest with you, I didn't want to play futile games with fat middle-aged men.
And yet here I am.
APPLAUSE Dane, are you a fan of Countdown? Yeah, I used to watch it at university.
Are you any good - are you better at letters or numbers? I'm better I think I'm better at letters.
- I struggled with maths, because - It's boring.
Yeah - no, what happened in school was that we once had a maths class and a pigeon flew in the window, and that's all I remember about the entire course, so To give you an idea of how much I care about maths.
Yeah.
If you win this evening, how are you gonna celebrate? Um I think I will probably call one of my teachers who said I wouldn't amount to anything - although she's teaching under a Tory government, so who's losing now?! APPLAUSE Alan, you got a little bit of colour in your face, I notice.
- Have you been away? - Yeah, I went to Barcelona - or, "Barthelona".
I like to pretend I've got a massive tongue.
And Yeah, I had a lovely time.
I had, like, tapas, sangria - all the normal things, you know, that happen in Barcelona.
Got mugged.
No, I didn't.
How did you find the famous Barcelona nightlife? Yeah, a stag party befriended me, and they wanted - LAUGHTER - No, they did.
They said, "Come and" Have you heard of stripper and a steak? No.
What's stripper and a steak? I'd never heard of this.
They said, "Alan! Hey, Alan, come with us.
"We're gonna have strippers and a steak.
" I mean, how pissed do you have to be to think that Alan Carr is the missing piece of your pussy patrol jigsaw? How was the steak? I didn't go! I'm not gonna do that, that's demeaning, innit? To steak? Can I just say, I credit you for a very gentlemanly question.
"We went for strippers and a steak," "How was the steak?" - That's my kind of guy.
- Yeah.
And I like my women like I like my steak.
Rare.
APPLAUSE It feels like your shirt's sort of sticking out.
Is there a issue with it? Is it OK? Well, actually, it's my lucky mascot.
- Your mascot? What is your mascot, then? - Yeah.
Well, you know, like You know when you go and you watch football or rugby at a sports bar? Well, I thought, let's bring that closer to home, so I've brought a sports bra.
You see, you know you've got jogger's nipple? What about jogger's tipple? Baileys.
I mean, it's not as much Baileys as we were hoping for.
Well LAUGHTER Alan, I've been waiting to say this to you.
Alan, I think your tits are broken.
Well, I'll try the other one.
You know what? - You know when you're slagging me off earlier? - What? It was slowly going down me tit.
You know you're going, "Yeah, you look like a beaver," I was like, "Ha, ha, ha! It's all down me tit.
" - This is Guinness, this is Guinness.
- Ah.
Oh, look, it's coming out now! It's flowing.
Look, it's like Niagara.
Aah! APPLAUSE I mean I think there's a good chance Alan drank it all - before he came to the show.
- Oh, give over.
Can you imagine people switching over thinking this is QVC or something? "So easy!" - It all This is bringing back harrowing memories.
- What?! Have you ever seen the hands-free double electric breast pump? - I bet you haven't.
- What do you mean "double electric"? Let me tell you, the first few weeks, you're like, "Oh, I wouldn't let my husband see that," because you wanna keep the mystique alive.
By month four, "Ugh!" Like a cow on a pump - and, you know, it says on the box, "Now fully hands-free.
" So, you can do a crossword AND wave at the neighbours.
Why would it need to be? Don't you worry.
You just "Oh, oh, it's so painful to watch Alan.
" Mm.
You'll never know.
OK.
Um, Lee, have you got a mascot this evening? - I have got a mascot, yes.
- What have you got? Well, I'll tell you what it is.
When I'm tried to concentrate, there's nothing I like better than chewing a pencil, and the problem I've got is that I always struggle with the fact - that I don't like the taste.
- Mm.
So, I've been online, and I've managed - you can buy anything online now - a selection of pre-chewed pencils.
So, it allows me to look at it without all the hassle of having to actually chew the things, so There's a selection of them.
They're from different people around the world.
- Got some celebrity ones.
I've got - Who've you got? You can pop that in your mouth, if you like Nice, isn't it? That one's Shane MacGowan's.
That's Might wanna have a rinse after that one.
I've got them all.
I've got a Monica Lewinsky one, which is very, very chewed and sucked.
Which I appreciate is quite an old reference point for a joke, but given that the joke is relying upon the fact that I need a celebrity famous for chewing and sucking, it's quite a narrow field.
Actually, funnily enough, I've even got the Alan Carr one.
- That's pretty chewed, as well.
- ALAN: Oh, look! Don't worry, I would have done the same joke, if anyone You know, if Janet Street Porter had been on, or Rob Beckett, or Desert Orchid, so it's not aimed at you.
So, yeah, we've got 'em all there.
So, that's a little bit of visual prop that worked.
APPLAUSE - Victoria, have you got a mascot? - Oh, hang on, I forgot this one! This is quite a good joke.
Are you ready? It's quite a good joke, this.
I've even got a very old one.
This is Shakespeare's actually chewed pencil.
It's so chewed, I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.
- LAUGHTER AND GROANS - Fuck off! APPLAUSE I don't need to be here! I'm here out of love of the job, not because I've got tax bills and haven't been paid for 10 years.
APPLAUSE You don't have to do that with me.
I've been on the Des O'Connor show.
You're not laughing now, but I guarantee, that'll be the one that you wake up at three o'clock in the morning, and go, "2B or not 2B, that's quite good.
" I will, anyway - and I'll turn round, and I'll go, "Do you know what I said tonight, love?" "Oh, you left me years ago, didn't you?" - OK.
Victoria, have you got a mascot? - Sort of I mean, I don't really believe in luck any more, - so I just brought some practical things - Excellent.
.
.
that I carry with me everywhere.
I got a dock leaf, in case I get stung.
I just always have one.
Um - An extension cable - So you can plug in your dock leaf.
I've got A megaphone.
That's just to make my answers seem more credible.
Can we get a demonstration of the? "7 letters.
" "It IS a word.
" - Is the thing is, we live in a - LAUGHTER We live in a post-truth age, and this is really the post-truth replacement for scientific evidence.
"Look again, it's there.
" I just think it's got authority.
And then I've got this bone of a prehistoric man that was found in a swamp, just to remind me that none of this matters.
APPLAUSE Very good.
- Dane, heavy got a mascot? - I do, yeah.
It's, er It's nutmeg.
So, my parents are from Grenada, and nutmeg is like the national spice - the Spice Island, so, it's very important to us.
It's on our flag, and I'm hoping that, you know, I might slip some to Susie and Sam, so they get a bit more lenient with the answers, because it's got hallucinogenic properties - and then, if it really takes off, and hopefully becomes an illicit drug, I can sell it to middle-class kids at music festivals.
When you say it makes you hallucinate, could it make you believe that your boobs provided drinks? If you had enough.
Depending on the dosage.
I like the way I came on, and nobody even notice I had massive fucking tits.
No-one even noticed.
Welcome to my life.
I'm quite booby, as well.
I can see if I can do it.
We can form a boyband - Lactate That.
APPLAUSE 2B or not 2B! And over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons.
APPLAUSE Our lovely Sam.
Sam is Australian, which makes sense, because I'd imagine, if his face was upside down, it would look normal.
It's a beach vibe! What beaches are you going to?! Look, it's a chilled out beach vibe, just, like, hanging out, you know? Am I the only one that, every time you take that cap off, I expect the hair to be attached to the cap? OK.
Sam, what is the coolest thing you've ever done? I went paragliding with Willem Dafoe.
- Tell me everything.
- Right, so, he was I was strapped to him, because he was actually operating the paraglide, so, I was strapped to the front of him, and it was quite embarrassing, because he didn't know who I was, and we were just, like .
.
across this Mexican desert, just, like, sailing across.
My phone rang, it was my father, who rang with the news - bad news - that my father's leg come off, and I put him on the phone to Willem, and they had a big chat about it, and he talked my dad through it, and it was a difficult kind of time, but they still talk and connect with each other, and, yeah, we just landed, and I just wandered away, andso Yeah.
- Leg come off? - Yeah - I don't know where to begin with that story.
- I don't know - You asked No, hang on, you did ask me about a cool thing I did, and that's a pretty cool thing.
- How much of that is true? - None.
APPLAUSE OK, with Sam, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie has written 14 books on lexicography, and if you've ever wondered what it must be like to be a polar bear in a zoo, rocking back and forth in a tiny cage as you dream of the sweet release of death, you should read one.
VICTORIA LAUGHS That's so rude! I'm so used to it.
Susie, you wrote a book about the secret languages used by people in different jobs.
Have you got any that you could share with us this evening? Well, yes.
So, it was about the secret languages of different people, so, tribe talk, really, and butchers were quite cool, cos a lot of butchers in pockets of Britain speak back slang - not only are things spelt backwards, but they throw consonants in, and things.
So, they swear in back slang - so, "tish" is "shit", and "k-cuf fo", I think it is, is "fuck off", and they just learn all these amazing sentences just to impress each other.
"Who traffed?" "Who farted?" This is all going on in butcher's up and down the land.
Perhaps if they spent less time doing that and more time opening after one o'clock on a Saturday, I'd get some sausages.
- Good point.
- OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel went to Oxford, where she studied mathematics, covering quantum theory, fluid mechanics and applied maths, before eventually graduating with a degreeof smugness.
Do you have any preshow routines or rituals - that you could share with us? - Um Well, it's great, cos you can just get up 10 minutes before you have to leave, have a shower, come in - they do your hair and make-up, and then, once you've done that, a little bit of fake tan, and as the day goes on, they colour the holes in.
- Wh - They've got it down to an art.
Cos we film five shows in a go, sometimes we're months ahead, so it's winter in real life, but we've got to have a tan, because it's, you know, July in Countdown land.
Oh, yeah, cos if I'm watching Countdown in the afternoon and you guys haven't got a tan and it's summertime .
.
the whole thing's ruined.
Same with you, Jimmy.
Depending on when the show's going out, you use a different coat of varnish, don't you? Cos we do five shows a day, so, if I were a different outfit, and a lot of my dresses are a little bit odd, and they've got different holes and cut out bits, so you just have to colour them in - Oh, so the holes in your dresses? - Yes.
No further questions.
OK, the prize teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown lawn mower.
APPLAUSE You're grown fucking men.
What are you doing? Did I just have some nutmeg, as I watched?! OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Lee and Victoria, you get the first pick of the letters.
So, can we have a consonant, please, Rachel? - W.
- Er, I'll havea vowel, please.
- Am I picking these? - You pick, yeah.
- A vowel, please.
- U.
Er A consonant.
N.
Vowel.
E.
Consonant.
- M.
- Another consonant.
- D.
- Ooh How do you spell "women"? A vowel.
I.
A consonant.
L.
And another vowel, please.
And the last one I.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
OOMPAH BAND PLAYS APPLAUSE OK, Lee, how many? - I've got a risky 5.
- Risky 5, I like it.
- Victoria? - Er, 6.
I take it from the delivery of that 6, disappointed with the 6.
I I think there must be something more.
What, to life? Alan, how many? Well, I might have I've got a 5, and then I might have a risky 7.
- I would say even your 5 is probably at some risk.
- Yeah.
- You might as well risk the 7.
- Yeah, you're right, Jimmy! Dane? Er I had a 5, a safe-ish 5, but I wanna try a 6.
- You wanna try a risky 6.
- A risky 6.
- OK.
Lee, your 5.
Right, I'm going for a WILED.
W-I-L-E-D.
I've got a feeling that that is a word.
Could you use it in a sentence, just before we get to Susie? Yes, I'll use it in a sentence.
For example, "Susie, is WILED a word?" - Yes.
- Get out of here! - APPLAUSE Quite sinister.
It means to lure or entice.
OK.
Victoria, your 6.
Um, MILDEW.
- Ooh! - MILDEW.
- ALAN: Oh, that's good.
- MILDEW, OK.
Um Oh, you could have had UNMILDEW.
LAUGHTER We're half laughing, and half going, "I wonder if that's a word.
" Dane? - I have WILDEN.
- WILDEN.
Yeah.
Like, "He's a wild 'un.
" - Like "to make wild" - it's not there, I'm afraid.
- Mm.
- Oh, shit.
- Sorry, Dane.
No.
No can do.
Um, Alan, your risky 7.
- I don't even think this is a risk, I think you've got this.
- No! Well, I don't know! UNLIMED.
- You know, like you put - "What do you want your gin and tonic?" Yeah, you put, like, lime - "Oh, I don't want this," and you get the lime out.
"Ugh!" - UNLIMED.
- I think it's fairly safe to say What? No, it's not there.
Well, six points to Victoria and Lee.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, could they have done any better? - I've got a 7.
- Mm-hm? MINDLIE.
Which is when someone whispers a lie in one's mind.
And that one.
- That's the longest one.
- MINDLIE.
- MIDLINE, MIDLINE.
- Susie, don't make him read things out.
- MIDLINE.
- What is it? - MIDLINE, which is a plain of bilateral symmetry.
- Mm! So, at the end of that, Lee Victoria are in the lead with six.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Alan, Dane, you are to pick the numbers.
OK, what shall we do, four little ones and two big ones? - I like that.
- Yeah.
- Four little ones and two big ones, please, love.
- On it.
Right, the four little 'uns, we've got 9, 8, 2 and 3, and the two big ones - 100 and 75 - .
.
and the target, 144.
- Ooh, that should be easy.
- Should be, yeah.
- "Ooh, that should be easy," says Alan.
Oh, no, no, cut that out the show.
We will not.
This should be easy for Alan.
- Should be an easy one for Alan.
That's all he knows.
- Oh, shit.
- 144.
He knows this one.
Your time starts now.
Good luck.
OK, so, the target was 144.
Victoria, I noticed, with interest, after five seconds, you started drinking.
Either it's an easy one, or this is one of those ones where I've actually got 8,000.
We'll come back to you in a minute, then.
Lee, did you get it? - I got it.
- OK.
- Alan, did you get it? - I got 145.
Well, just no.
Just say, "No, no, I didn't.
" - "No, I didn't, I'm a disgrace.
" - No, no, I didn't.
- What are you? - A disgrace.
- That's not true! That's not true, Alan.
- Oh, thanks, Dane.
- What about you, Dane? Did you get it? - I think I got it.
- You think you got it? - Yeah.
- Oh, thank God! Well, how did you do it? So, I did 100 + 75 - 175.
- Yeah.
And then I did 3 + 2 is 5.
Yeah.
And then times that by 8 is 40.
- Take that away from 175 is 135 - Yeah.
- And plus the 9 is 144.
- Lovely, well done.
APPLAUSE Dane, everyone.
Dane Baptiste.
Victoria, Lee, did you do it the same way? I did it slightly differently.
I did 100 + 75 Then I did 9 x 8 is 27.
- Er, no, 9 x 3 is 27.
- Yeah! - And then 8 divided by 2 is 4.
- Yeah.
But then I got stuck.
LAUGHTER - Then you add them together to make 31.
- Yeah.
And then you minus that from the 175, and then you give me a medal.
APPLAUSE That's pretty good, OK.
- Did you do that, Victoria? - No.
She did a different way, as well.
Those are Those are much cleverer ways - I just did 75 x 2 is 150, and then 9 - 3 is 6, and take that away is 144.
Oh, we all did that, but then we thought LAUGHTER You used all the numbers.
Yeah, I just wanted to get Rachel involved.
She seemed bored over there.
That's really That's really elegant, to use all the numbers.
Yeah, well, 10 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Thank God.
OK, so, Alan and Dane have 10, Lee and Victoria have 16.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NUDE REST.
The clue is, my nan loves hers.
That's NUDE REST, my nan loves hers.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NUDE REST, the clue was, my nan loves hers.
It was, of course, DENTURES.
So, Lee and Victoria are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Alan and Victoria.
So, Alan, your turn to choose the letters.
- Two vowels, please.
- Thanks, Alan.
O and E.
Consonant, consonant, consonant.
B N Consonant, consonant.
X M And vowel.
I Consonant, please, love.
And T.
OK, and your time starts now.
SIREN BLARES Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
Five Four Three Two - One - BANG! SUSIE SCREAMS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERING - OK.
Alan, what have you got? - Six.
- Six? - Victoria, how many? - Six.
- What is your six? - MITTEN.
- MITTEN? - Yeah.
- OK, and, Alan? - BITTEN.
LAUGHTER Is that the same as hers but you've got a blocked nose? - Six points for both teams.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE - Susie, was there anything better than a six? - No, six was the best.
OK.
At the end of that, Alan and Dane have 16, Lee and Victoria have 22.
APPLAUSE Now, time for Dane and Lee to go head-to-head.
Lee, your turn to pick the numbers.
I will have I genuinely can't remember what you do on this.
- Is it? - Four big.
- What? You can have nought to four big ones.
Well, he's not going to have four big ones, Rachel, be realistic.
- It's Lee, give him a shot.
- Is it harder if you have four big ones? - Yeah.
- Right, then, I'll have two big ones.
Two big, four little.
Hang on, I haven't told you how many little ones I want yet.
- How many would you like? - I'll have the rest as little ones, please.
Thanks, Lee.
Right, the little ones, we've got 9, 10, 6, 4, and then the big ones, 50 and 75.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 857.
- Lee, did you get it? - No.
- But I've got something to offer.
- You've got something to offer? - 849 is my final answer.
- And what about you, Dane? - 850.
- 850! - Yeah.
- That's irritating.
- We'll see, we'll see.
OK, how did you get 850? 4 + 6 4 + 6 = 10 And then multiply that by 10.
And then multiply that by 9.
- 50 Yeah, 850.
Well, you were seven away, so that's five points for you, Dane.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, could it be done? - Leave it with me.
- What? I said, leave it with me.
OK, can I just remind everyone, that is Rachel's only job, so LAUGHTER We'll come back to Rachel.
OK, so, Alan and Dane have 21, Lee and Victoria have 22.
Neck and neck.
Oh, my word, it's close.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Sam Simmons, what have you got for us? Well, as you know, I'm an Australian man.
So, um This is a song about being an Australian man.
All right, this is a jaw harp, it goes like this.
BOING! Let's do it.
Australian man.
I had a shit start to my day.
You know what I did, Susie? I got my foot caught in the bottom of a duvet cover, you know the duvet cover, it's got the buttons that are spaced out button, button, button, button.
Then at the end there's just a loop of fabric.
I got my ankle caught in there.
I woke up in shock just dragging this duvet cover around the flat and my wife started yelling at me.
And not in a fun way, not like on a Friday night, you know when you get a bath towel and you shove it up your arse and you gallop around the house being a horsey? Australian man.
I met my wife in a car park.
Not dogging! Anyway, I saw she was putting her groceries into a hatchback and she was about to drive away and I thought, "No, she's the one for me," so what I thought I'd do, I'd get in my car and bang into her a little bit, just a little bit.
Like a little love bump, going to be a cheeky way to fall in love.
Anyway, I went around to the side of the car to meet her, turns out she wasn't really the one for me.
She was all screaming and covered in blood.
LAUGHTER # Australian man Man.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SLIM POLE, the clue is - you see a lot of them in the gym.
That's SLIM POLE, you see a lot of them in the gym.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SLIM POLE, the clue was, you see a lot of them in the gym.
It was, of course, PLIMSOLE.
OK, on with the game.
- Lee and Victoria, your turn to choose the letters.
- Please.
- Oh, OK.
No, please let me do it.
- Please.
- No, you do it.
- You do it.
- I'd only blame myself.
- We're like a married couple.
Come on, you do it.
- OK, OK.
- I will do it.
- Consonant.
H Consonant, please.
D Vowel.
A Consonant.
P Vowel, please.
E consonant.
F Consonant.
R Vowel.
O - What should I have? - I don't mind any more.
- Oh, what do you think? - Vowel.
OK, vowel, please.
I OK, and your time starts now.
- OK, Lee, how many? - Five.
- Victoria, how many? - Six.
- Alan? - Five.
- Dane? - Four.
- Well, let's hear the four.
What have you got? - PAID.
- PAID.
Oh, I've got a six now.
Do you know what? I'd be so good at this if it was just a little bit longer on the clock.
- I have got a six.
- What did you get? - What, my six or my five? - Yeah, what's your six? - REPAID.
- REPAID.
LAUGHTER That's good, isn't it? Why are you laughing? Because you've just taken his word and added RE- at the beginning.
Oh, yeah, that must have subliminally gone in and I thought I didn't even think that.
Isn't it funny? Don't say subliminally, he shouted it in your ear! Subliminal is not a man standing next to you going, "PAID!" and you going, "REPAID!" REPAID! - Lee, your five.
- My five is RADIO.
Oh, hang on, I've got a seven, RERADIO.
LAUGHTER OK, Victoria, your six.
- PAIRED.
P-A-I-R-E-D.
- Yeah.
OK, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE - Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're giving him it? - What, sorry? - You're giving him it, a six, for REPAIR? - REPAID, actually, REPAID.
I think that seems reasonable.
Why don't you sort out getting longer letters, - longer words, than having a go at me? - Longer letters, yeah! Can I have an EEEEEEEE? Sam Simmons, could they have done any better than six? No, there's only sixes.
So there's DIAPER FEDORA and PERIOD HAIRDO.
DIAPER FEDORA? So, at the end of that, Lee and Victoria are in the lead with 28.
APPLAUSE OK, on to another numbers round.
Alan and Dane, you're picking the numbers.
What should we have, like, the usual ones? - Four little ones and two big ones? - Yeah, I like that.
- Yeah.
Two big ones, four little ones.
And this time, they are 8, 3, 2 and another 8, 100 and 25.
- ALAN: Oh, lovely.
- And the target OK, good luck.
Your time starts now.
- So, the target was 621.
Dane, did you get it? - I think so.
OK, Alan, did you get it? - Yeah, I got 622, so - No.
- Lee, did you get it? - I'm going to have to go for 624.
- Victoria? - 622.
- 622, we're edging closer.
- Well, I got that, love! Oh, sorry, that was quite aggressive.
LAUGHTER Hold my glasses, I'm going in.
OK, Dane, how did you get it? - Wait, no, I didn't get it, sorry, I just checked.
- What?! - I, yeah, I didn't get it.
I got 624.
- I got RE-621.
- You got 624? - Yeah.
- You got what, sorry? - RE-621.
LAUGHTER OK, Alan, how did you get 622? 8 - 2 = 6 x 100 = 600 600 + 25 - 3 = 622 - That right, love? - It is, love.
APPLAUSE - You got that as well, did you? - Yeah, look, there.
8 - 2 x 100 = 600 25 - 3 = 22 OK, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Rachel, could it be done? And bear in mind, you've let us down once already today.
Oh, you just need a bit more time on this one? How are you getting on with that first one? Well, I went back to the other one during this one, because this one I got.
OK, do this one, do this easy one now and, I don't know OK, I will carry on with the other one.
I don't have to listen to you, I'm going to carry on with my fun.
We've definitely not lost interest.
100 - 25 = 75 + 2 = 77 x 8 = 616 8 - 3 = 5 616 + 5 = 621 And I'm back to the other one now, see you later.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Alan and Dane have 34, Lee and Victoria have 35.
It's neck and neck.
Very close.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across one last time to Dictionary Corner.
- Sam, what have you got for us? - I'm going to do some impressions.
VOICEOVER: This is an impression of a man who lost his dog named Dr Noodles.
Dr Noodles! Dr Noodles? Oh, where's Dr Noodles? This is an impression of a very arrogant man eating a slice of humble pie.
Man, I'm good at eating pie.
This is an impression of a man doing an Italian version of that cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon song.
Ah, the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon-ah.
And the little boy blue and the man on the moon-ah.
Ah, mamma mia! This is an impression of a man trying to smell his own face.
This is an impression of a man standing up in the middle of an important business meeting to feed a baby bird.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
Traditionally, I'm sure you're all aware we try and get the maths done in 30 seconds.
That is the rule on this game.
We've got a big clock, that's the whole point of Countdown.
Rachel, I believe the maths we did 15 minutes ago, how are you doing? I've got it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so what was the target? The target was 857.
- 857, couldn't be any easier, yeah.
- Yeah, so 75 - 6 = 69 Cool.
- 9 + 4 is your unlucky for some.
- 13.
69 x 13 = 897 50 - 10 = 40 And I can go for a long lie down.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment, Alan and Dane have 34, Lee and Victoria have 35.
Very close.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are LONE BUTT, the clue is - pop out the plug.
That's LONE BUTT, pop out the plug.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were LONE BUTT, the clue was "Pop out the plug.
" It was of course UNBOTTLE.
OK, time for our final letters game, and it couldn't be tenser.
Everything's neck and neck.
Alan, Dane, your turn to pick the letters.
Right, OK.
Um, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant.
R G N C Er, another consonant.
R Vowel, vowel, vowel.
O A O - Oh! I'll have a nice vowel.
- Yeah, have a vowel.
E And your 30 seconds startsnow.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Alan, how many? Seven.
- A seven-letter word? - Yeah, seven-letter word.
OK.
Let's go with that, let's imagine that's true.
And enjoy the moment and then we'll come back and find out why it isn't true in a minute.
- OK, Dane, how many? - Seven.
Seven as well? OK.
Lee? - Six.
- Victoria.
Just for the sake of the competition I'm going to have to say seven because if I say six then we just give them the lead, so I'm going to say seven although I've got dozens of seven-letter words that don't exist, so Seven.
OK.
Lee, what's your six? I think it will be in the dictionary.
GOONER, as in Arsenal fan.
- Er, no.
- Well, if it's not, she'll have written it in.
- Slang gets in, doesn't it? - No, it's capital letters.
No can do, and I am a GOONER, but I have to say, no, sorry.
- It's not in? - No.
- Victoria, your seven? - Let's try ORANGER.
- What?! Someone that deals in orangers, or ORANGER as an adjective, - but, you know, someone that sells - ORANGER.
No.
We have this Countdown rule, OK - be prepared to fall asleep now - that if That's just the rule, isn't it, full stop? LAUGHTER If an adjective is more than a single syllable, the comparative and superlative, so the ER and the ST, have to be specified in the dictionary, and And I make jokes about you being boring! - I feel like a bloody idiot now, Susie.
- Yeah.
Susie, I need to know this.
Is BLUER a word meaning more blue? - Yes.
- Why is specifically - GREENER.
- GREENER is a word, and browner.
- GREENER's a word.
- Yeah.
- So why isn't ORANGER a word? Hold on - you said if it's got more than one syllable, it's not allowed.
BLUER would be fine.
It is allowed - it just has to be specified - it has to be written out - YELLOW, YELLOWER, YELLOWIST.
I think that's a bit colourist.
Oh, I've got a That's a seven! That's a seven-letter word! ALAN: It's too late.
It wasn't in the allotted time.
LAUGHTER I've got a seven, Jimmy.
- I think we can allow it.
I think we can definitely allow it.
- What?! - Well, you've had so much over the allotted time this evening! - Ah! - MAN: Yes.
- Oh! Say it to my face.
Come down here and say it to my face.
LAUGHTER What is the seven? Er CORONER.
- Very good.
- CORONER.
- Very, very good.
- Dane, what was your seven? Mine was GROANER.
- GROANER.
- Hm-mm.
- Oh.
Alan, your seven? - And I also got GROANER.
- You got the same one as Yeah.
It must have gone in subliminally like that.
Seven points to both teams! APPLAUSE Susie, could they do any better than a GROANER? Um, we can have CROONER for seven, but seven's tops.
OK, so Alan and Dane have 41, Lee and Victoria have 42.
Only one point in it.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Are you ready? Ah-huh! LAUGHTER This is huge.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER BELL - Oh! - REBOOTING! - REBOOTING.
It's REBOOTING.
- Come on! Well, let's have a look and see, shall we? APPLAUSE The final scores are Alan and Dane have 41 points, but tonight's winners with 52, Lee and Victoria! You are now the owners of this - the Countdown Lawnmower! Thanks to all our panellists and our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night!