8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s19e04 Episode Script
Miles Jupp, Sophie Duker, Lee and Dean
This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE VOICEOVER: Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown .
.
Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Sophie Duker, Miles Jupp, Lee and Dean, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley and your host, Jimm-y-y-y-y-y Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock! Thank you.
Sean Lock - he's as happy as he is French! And joining Sean tonight, it's Miles Jupp! Now Fun fact - Miles can only LAUGHTER Is this actually a fact, Jimmy? - Yes, it is a fact.
- OK.
- It's actually two facts, Miles, thank you.
Yeah, no, looking forward to it! "Miles can only get an erection during a fox hunt" LAUGHTER ".
.
and ejaculates Waitrose elderflower cordial.
" OK, fair, they were facts.
I just Up against them this evening, it's team captain Jon Richardson! "Jon Richardson, he brings us all the high-octane excitement "of a rail-replacement bus service.
" And Jon's team-mate, Sophie Duker! Fun fact - Sophie used to write sexy Harry Potter fan-fiction.
Sounds fun, I'd love to read about someone Slytherin into Hermione's Chamber of Secrets.
Miles, what's the strangest thing you've ever been asked to do? Um, I was once Um, I was asked if I would consider, um, being the public face of British Sausage Week.
Thethe face of? Well, I don't know what other part of my anatomy could be possibly be used to advertise a sausage, Jimmy.
It's my elongated kidneys.
I would, um, yeah And I was asked by e-mail, you know, a formal approach.
So And I did briefly consider it and then I turned it down out of .
.
really out of respect for sausages.
I thought I didn't want people to look at me and think, "That's what happens to you if you eat sausages," that you become very, sort of, red-faced and giggly.
People need to know it's the drink! Sean, what's your most redeeming feature? Um I can zone out, Jimmy.
And I can just zone out and be perfectly content and although, on my face, it might appear that I'm listening, inside, it's just HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la I'm very good in a flood.
Cos I've got a canoe.
And I'll paddle round, pick up a nana in her nightie and her dog and take them to safety.
I always rinse the bath out.
That's a goodredeeming feature.
You know, yes, he might have done some terrible things .
.
but he's rinsed the bath out.
As my fellow panellists will testify, I smell amazing.
I'd make a great candle, one lady said to me once.
She was driving past as well.
INDISTINC I mean, I don't know if I've answered the question enough.
- I mean, really - One of my redeeming features is just how many redeeming features I've got.
It's a lot, it does seem like a lot.
Sophie, what were you like at school? Oh, I went to a all-girls school in North London, it was a very posh school, the kind of school where there was like, five Eugenies per year.
Um, and I was a big nerd.
Like, I was a massive bookworm, which I think is quite a horrible way - to describe something that's quite good.
- Bit sad, that, really.
- Yeah.
It's like, "Oh, Sophie's, like, achieving the literary word.
"What shall we call her?" "Worm.
" "Good-grades maggot", "Knowledge slut", that's what they called me.
Um, I was a knowledge slut.
I thinkbookworm sounds all right, now you've mentioned "knowledge slut".
Are you competitive on this? I'm really glad you asked me that because I would rather die than go home without the top prize.
- You're in luck cos you're against Sean.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
I've got Miles.
The last, like, five times Miles has been on, he's barely been interested.
Um, yeah, I see this very much as my battle against white male privilege, so - She's talking to you, Sean.
- Well, um In this case, it's not privilege.
We arechallenged.
- Jon - Hello there.
- What makes you happy? I like watching people pick up dog shit.
We always focus on the people who don't do it.
But thethe majority of peoplepick up dog shit.
I think that's remarkable.
- With dogs? The majority - Who have dogs.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't have a dog, but I pick it up every now and again.
I like to know what it feels like, - the little runny ones that people don't go for - AUDIENCE GROANS .
.
I go for, like, top-level.
I think, "Even the pros haven't gone for that one, but I'll have a go.
" Do you think there are shits too small to pick up? I don't, as a fan, uh - Quite a slice of heaven you've carved out for yourself there.
- Yeah! What's odd, though, is there's a size of animal that you don't have to pick it up any more.
Like horses can shit everywhere and you can just leave that, so there must be a point at which, like Great Dane or Shetland pony .
.
in between, where people can just, - as a bystander, say, "Fair play, that's too much.
" - LAUGHTER I feel like this is a conversation that happened on the Internet! Miles, have you got a mascot this evening? Uh, kind of.
A mascot is about luck, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's a little bit of luck, yeah.
- Yeah, well .
.
I don't really believe in luck, per se, um, but I have brought with me, just as a, sort of, little treat, to, sort of, jolly me along Um, I normally eat at about this time - Right.
- .
.
so just something for me to just have a go on during the show.
This isjust a little bit of sushi.
I'm going to start with the fish, work across to the veg - it just holds longer, um, and this stuff as well remarkably good value, actually.
I was walking past a place earlier and they were about to scrapeall of this into the bin cos it's gone off This is going to bring me a lot of luck tonight.
- OK.
Sophie, you've got a mascot? - Uh, yes, I do.
Um, so, basically, at school, I was never invited to the cool girls' sleepovers so I've brought a sleepover kit with loads of fun stuff for us to do.
So, this is the film Never Been Kissed.
Uh, it's a great film about a woman who pretends to be a teenager to get a teacher to fancy her.
It's lots of fun.
She catfishes as a sexy kid.
Uh, this is a Spin The Bottle.
Uh, Spin The Bottle is great because it's really good for people who like to skip consent.
At least there's an element of chance! But surely, once you've entered the circle, you've given consent.
- You can - I don't think, yeah, if it's pointing outside the house, I don't think you're allowed to It's pointing right in that bedroom window, there.
- I've got a face mask to make your face soft.
- OK.
- There you go.
- Um, I mean, obviously, we're all wearing - Well, that's That's not creepy! That's fine! I feel like I should have a chainsaw.
Yeah, so that's like a literal mask you can put on your face, over the metaphorical mask you're wearing.
Um - SEAN: Whoa, don't do that! - JON GIGGLES He just stuck his tongue through it! - That's horrible.
- Oh, it's like Um, so these are nail gems.
- Oh, lovely! - Very exciting, they make for a very fun wank.
Very fancy.
- So, when you're a kid, it's really hard to get, uh, booze - Right.
.
.
so I've got cherry brandy.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Have you actually got cherry brandy or is this some kind of prop? Cos if you've actually got cherry brandy, let's get loaded! - Look at those! - What if I go full sexy, Jimmy? We're getting boozy.
Fucking hell, that's, uh Oh, that's good! - Do you like it? - See, I never got - invited to - Oh, Jesus! - .
.
girls' sleepovers either! That's like a Oh, wow! It's like diabetic lighter fuel.
- What's he done? - Miles can't open the water cans! Miles can't open the water cans and I won't show him how to! - I just don't It's got a thing on it! - Yeah, well, you should've gone to a normal school! Sorry, Sean, I don't want toI don't want to be a dick about this, but I had to show you how to do that last week.
Yeah, that's why I'm being a dick now! Um, I've forgotten some pillows.
OK.
Did actually use pillows as girlfriends when we used to play when I was a little boy.
This used to We'd all have a pillow each and it'd be our girlfriend.
I ran the post office and Lee ran the book shop, and that was the library, that was the bookcase in the thing, and Sheldon had a little shop, and we all used to have a wife.
It's like an advert for bullying, isn't he? - Jon, have you got a mascot? - Uh, more than that, Jimmy, it's actually a very exciting technological breakthrough.
You'll be aware, of course, of virtual reality - it's a big thing at the moment, isn't it? Sort of immersive experience, where you put on a headset and it's like you're somewhere else.
Well, I've actually taken that technology and advanced it to the next level, which I call, "Reality.
" So, I've gone back to where I first got into Countdown, which was in a snooker club in Morecambe.
I've recreated the Devonshire pub.
Here we are, there's little bar stools, there, that all the people would be sat at, and this is the telly where Countdown would be on, and you slip it over the old bonce, like this There you go.
So, here we are, it's got a little strap and there I am.
I wanted to recreate the smoke of the Devonshire pub by asking if anyone in the audience vaped and they could vape in my face and it would recreate the haze, but I'm not allowed to do that for health and safety and sexual tension reasons.
So, what I've got instead is some sort of cotton wool I can stretch into a sort of smoke haze These nails are causing a bloody How do you take these off? Does it hurt? Not the most masculine moment of my comedy career, this.
What was?! And then I, sort of, pop this on Oh.
- HE GIGGLES - I feel like a T-Rex! If I Justjust out of interest, how would I .
.
How would I distinguish this from a breakdown? And to get the smells here, this is a pint of out-of-date bitter .
.
and I'm just going to Ooh.
- And you're just flicking some beer in your face.
- Oh.
I mean, I take your point, Jimmy.
It doesn't look good for me, does it, at this point? And I tell you what, if you think it's been fun so far, watch me try and get it off without slicing my ear open.
- I thinkI think the nose is going to go - Ah - Uh, ooh - Ah - Ooh - Jon's pub, everyone! - The Devonshire.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I do very much have a mascot.
And I, obviously, I have to get up for this, but, um .
.
I have to adjust my attire slightlyfor this.
- What are you up to? - Yeah, I've got to go behind this screen.
Why are you taking your shoes off? I'll just briefly explain to you Well, um, I've been asked to, um, reshoot You know the opening sequences of James Bond films? - Where they have a silhouetted sexy lady? - Yeah, with the people I'll just get undressed and I think you'll be in for a bit of aa bit of a visual treat, Jimmy.
- Why have they asked you?! - Well, this is why, Jimmy! Ridiculous.
I think you can clearly see why.
- I love the Oh! Are you REALLY taking your clothes off?! - Yeah.
There we are.
WOLF-WHISTLE - Aw! - There we are.
Would you like them back, Jimmy? So, Jimmy, there we go.
- Sean.
- Yes? Uh, where are your genitals? - They're in there.
- Well - There.
- Where?! - There! There.
I can't really Yeah, you're probably looking up here It's actually just there.
Oh, no, there it is! Yeah, yeah, that's it! Is that it? Can you see it yet? Anyway, music, please! MUSIC: Diamonds Are Forever by Shirley Bassey That's quitequite a sequence to follow, so good luck with that, Mr Craig.
Sean Lock, everyone! OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Lee and Dean! - All right? - All right.
Lee, Dean, first time on the show, tell us a little about yourselves.
- Well, I'm Lee - And I'm Dean.
We run, uh BOTH: Dean and Lee Construction Solutions.
- Uh, yeah, it's local business and that.
- Can we just check, actually, how long this is going to take? Cos we are sort of midway through a job.
Um, we're sorting out, like, a gas main and, well, we've got a bag-for-life round it, but, like, two hours maximum.
There's a limit to how far you can push, like, a gas main.
- II mean, we'll crack through as soon as we possibly can.
- If that's all right, if that's all right.
Thank you.
Um, I know we're not, sort of, contestants and that, Mr Carr, um, but, um, if it's all right, we've brought our own - lucky mascot - Yeah, we have got one.
- Oh, that's right, show them.
- This is brilliant.
- My aunt Irene swears by this.
- Yeah, go.
It's a rabbit's foot.
There you go.
- Actual rabbit's foot.
- Actual rabbit's foot.
Yeah.
And I know people get, like, all funny about animal welfare and that, so to just put your mind at rest, um, this is Nutmeg AUDIENCE: Awww! .
.
and, um, as you can see, Nutmeg is Nutmeg is having the time of his life.
- Lee and Dean, everyone! - Yeah.
- I like Lee and Dean.
Good! And with Lee and Dean, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie's books have been described as "put-downable" and "page-burners".
Susie, we've got Lee and Dean on the show tonight.
Are there any interesting words or phrases that builders use? Well, for book 14, Jimmy, I looked at the language of different professions and I had spent a day with about five builders - AUDIENCE CHUCKLES - .
.
which was fun! - Five of them?! Um, and some plasterers too.
And LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH You don't help yourself, do you?! MILES CACKLES - Um, you will know all of this.
- We might not, to be fair.
Great rhyming slang, like Gary Neville? Spirit level? Gary Neville.
- What is she saying? - No idea - Oh! What about, "spreading the fat on the Lionel"? "Spreading the fat on the Lionel"? That's disgusting.
Don't know what I like that.
That is I'm not sure the guys you met were builders! - I think they were taking the piss out of you.
- That is plastering the ceiling! Dancing On The Ceiling - Lionel Richie.
- Oh, that's clever! - It is! - Yeah, it is! - Thank you! OK, and in charge of numbers, it's Rachel Riley! As the co-host of regular Countdown, Rachel is more popular with old people than Werther's Originals and controlled immigration.
Rachel, are there any bad aspects to working on Countdown? I find it quite hard to switch off.
I can't turn my brain off anagrams.
So recently, we've been looking for a doula, which is a woman who, kind of, helps you breathe and helps you get the baby out and massage and One woman had such a strange name, I was staring at it, and realised I couldn't hire her at all because her name was an anagram of "Vagina Gone".
I thought it was a really bad sign! I want my vagina to stay afterwards, I think that's generally how it works.
Good luck! It looks like it'll be coming before the end of the show! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown aerobics kit! MUSIC: Physical by Olivia Newton-John OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Uh, Jon, Sophie - you get the first pick of the letters.
- Woohoo! - Yay Just me on that one, then! - Please.
- Yes, can I have a vowel, please? - Thank you, Sophie.
- A.
- Could I have another vowel, please? You can indeed.
O.
Could I have another vowel, please? E Can I have a consonant, please? L - Can I have another consonant? - P.
Can I have two more consonants, please? T, S.
Can I have another vowel? U And one more consonant, please.
And the last one - G.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
APPLAUSE I Hang on, I'm just balancing stuff on my chin.
I just I'll, uh Yep.
OK, Jon? Jon, how manyhow many letters, Jon? Uh, seven.
- MUFFLED: Sophie, how many? - Six.
- Sean? - Six.
- Miles? - Six.
Tell you what, it's a hell of a view! Piss on him! What's that?! Well, that's Yeah, I don't think that's infected.
That'll be fine.
SHE EXHALES Sophie, what was your six? I got distracted by the folds in Susie's skirt .
.
the folds on the skirt, not inside the skirt - and uh - I went for PLEATS.
- PLEATS.
- PLEATS.
- Uh, Sean, your six? - STAPLE.
- Miles, your six? - Uh, also STAPLE.
- Jon, your word? - OUTAGES.
- Very good.
- OUTAGES? IN A COCKNEY ACCENT: OUTAGES.
- Seven points to Jon! - SEAN: Oh Susie, could they have done any better? Couple of eights.
OUTLEAPS - to leap further than someone else, - um, and GLUEPOT.
- OK.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Sophie are in the lead with 7! OK, onto the first numbers round.
Uh, Sean, Miles, - your turn to pick the numbers.
- Just the usual, please - Usual, Sean-y special.
- .
.
Rachel.
- Two from the top, four little, coming up.
- Nice one.
And this time, they are 5, 9, 2, 4, 25 and 50.
And the target 889! OK, and your time startsnow! OK, so the target was 889.
Miles, did you get it? I think so.
Uh, Sean, did you get it? - I got 891.
- 891, OK.
- Uh, Jon, did you get it? - 891.
891 Sophie, did you get it? No.
I got 1,000.
OK, so, um - Miles.
- Miles.
- I didn't, actually.
I think we all knew that.
OK, so, Sean was the closest.
How did you do it? Two 9s are 18, aren't they? - They are! - Ah-ha! - And then you times them by 50, don't you, Rachel? - You do.
- Uh - So you've got - And then you take off a 5 and a 9.
- 4! Sorry, 4.
- Yeah, for the 9, yeah.
- For a 9, yeah.
- 891, lovely.
- JON: Samesies.
- OK, seven points to both teams.
Oh, Rachel, could it be done? If you say 50 times 9 is 450 Well, that seems reasonable.
- This all seems reasonable so far.
- Yeah.
Add 5, for 455 - Right.
.
.
times it by 2 for 910, add the 4 - 914 and take away 25 for 889.
And into a teaser.
The words are DONG IDOL, the clue is - I like to draw them.
That's, DONG IDOL - I like to draw them.
See you after the break! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DONG IDLE, the clue was - I like to draw them.
It was, of course, DOODLING.
Jon and Sophie are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Miles and Jon.
So, Miles, your turn to choose.
Three vowels, please.
JON: Game over already.
I E, O - I'm going to write them down.
- LAUGHTER I'm writing them done.
Let's do a couple of consonants now.
- Couple of consonants.
- See how we feel after.
N and .
.
- Chuck another one up? - Yeah, why not pop another one on? M Hello! LAUGHTER - We'll have two more vowels.
- Two more vowels?! - Yeah, we might as well enjoy - A.
- .
.
ourselves while we're here.
- U.
- Now you've got one of each.
Lovely.
- Consonant.
And a final R - Too many vowels, mate.
- Yeah.
- LAUGHTER OK.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Little bit artistic with toast.
You can be artistic with toast.
I've done one of you, Sean.
I think you'll like it.
LAUGHTER - Very nice.
- I've done one of Jon.
LAUGHTER It's a cracker.
LAUGHTER I've got toast for everyone.
Yeah.
That's it, everyone.
We've done you a round of toast.
A bit of toast for you.
- It's just toast, is it? - Andjam.
- What kind of jam is this? Marmalade? - Yeah, and the spreads are vegan for Jon becausehe's a prick.
LAUGHTER - Miles, what have you got? - Eight letters.
- I know.
The word is MINOTAUR.
- I've got an eight as well, then.
- Oh, really? LAUGHTER Because he wasn't saying anything, I thought I was meant to fill in a gap.
No, we were justwe were just amazed at the eight.
- Oh.
- I got a seven.
- OK.
What's your seven? INOTAUR.
And I'm kicking myself now.
LAUGHTER You don't think to put the M on it, do you? Absolute dickhead.
OK.
So, what was yours, Jon? REMOUN REMOUN - Minotaur's up there? - No.
- Can't have it.
Why can't you have Minotaur? There was only one Minotaur, so it's capital M.
So, the word Minotaur is not in any dictionary? It's in the dictionary but it's got a capital M.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's in the dictionary.
- But it's got a capital M.
- What are you fucking talking about? LAUGHTER - No, sorry.
No.
No.
You do not swear at Dame Susie.
- Sorry.
- OK.
Seven points to Jon! - Lee, Dean? - Yes, mate.
- Could they have done any better? - Probably.
- Yes, shall we? RAINOUT.
- What, sorry? - RAINOUT.
"What's the weather like?" "There's been RAINOUT.
" - Yeah, an event that's cancelled through rain.
- "RUM-inate".
- "ROOM-inate", yeah.
- LAUGHTER OK.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Miles have 7, Jon and Sophie have 21.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now, time for Sean and Sophie to go head-to-head.
I like the fact that everyone is having toast now.
This couldn't feel any more studenty.
- What have you gone for, Rachel? - Lemon curd toast.
- Lemon curd? Lemon curd! Fabio, you prick.
- What's wrong with lemon curd? - It's not your go to.
You want your jam, you want your marmalade.
Maybe even a nice bit of Nutella.
But lemon curd's way down.
- That's the back shelf.
- You rate Nutella more highly as a condiment than lemon curd? - Yeah! - Disgusts me.
Sorry, you're saying lemon curd is a bigger deal than Nutella? You can make your own lemon curd.
LAUGHTER And suddenly, I don't want to know any more.
- You can't make your own Nutella.
- You can.
You can make your own anything.
- Of course, you can't make your own Nutella.
- You can.
Na-na-na.
- Shut up, be quiet.
- LAUGHTER - Let's playlet's play numbers.
- OK.
- Sophie, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Can I have two big numbers? - You can indeed.
- The rest small.
- Four small.
They are 4, 1, 2 and 9, and the big ones 100 and 25.
OK, what is the top? The target 933.
All right, your time starts now.
So the target was 933.
- Sophie, did you get it? - Yes.
- That's a confident yes.
- YES! Yeah, I think so.
- Sean, did you get it? - No.
That's a very confident no.
OK, Sophie, how did you do it? 9 x 100 = 900 900 + 25 = 925 I like the way you've got a maths voice.
- 4 x 2 = 8.
- There we go.
8 + 25 Now you're doing a weird questioning face.
- 933.
Yep, you're there.
- Yeah! 10 points.
You went through a gamut of emotions there - you were very confident and sassy early on, you lost all faith in yourself and then you came good at the end.
That was the Lord Of The Rings in the maths round.
"Nobody tosses a dwarf.
" Title of your sex tape.
OK, so Sean and Miles have 7, Jon and Sophie have 31.
APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Lee, Dean, what have you got for us? - Thank you very much, Mr Carrrr Cheers.
It may surprise you to learn that we do occasionally, Dean Lee Construction Solutions, have to deal with complaints from customers.
Really? This year alone we've had four jobs and probably, like, seven court cases, so we're used to dealing with difficult punters.
And what we do, we have a very rigorous in-house training programme where we role-play difficult situations with difficult clients and what we do is we use real things that clients have said to us.
Now, usually, Lee or myself, Dean, would do it.
- Would be the client, yeah.
- But because Susie Dench is here, we're going to, if it's all right, ask her to These are real things that clients have said to us.
And most of our clients are in their sort of late 50s, early 60s, - so Susie's perfect for this.
- Know what I mean? - Thank you! Real things that clients have said to us.
Here we go.
- "Where's my roof?" - Very good question.
- Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Normally when we get that, one of us will, like, just burst into tears or something and divert the punters.
Next one please, Miss Dench.
"Why are there sharp nails sticking out everywhere? "You could hang your coat from them.
" - Yeah.
- I remember who this one was from.
It was from a nursery for kiddies, yeah.
Right, listen, it was like a playground area, weren't it? Yeah, and the bloke said, "Why is there nails everywhere?" So quick thinking, we went, "It's for sensory play.
" "If you touch that, you will bleed.
" You know what I mean? Simple.
Yeah.
- Very good.
- Sorry.
Next one, yeah.
- "Why are you always late on site?" - Oh, yeah.
- Funny story behind this.
We went on holiday, yeah, to Florida.
- Orlando.
- Disney.
- All the rides - All the rides and all that, yeah.
And when we come back, we never quite, like, got onto England time again, - so we just stayed on Florida time.
- That was, what, like, 2006, weren't it? - We've been like that since really.
- Worked for us, innit? - Yeah.
- We'll do the next one, please.
"I am three months pregnant, Lee, why are you ignoring me, you wanker?" That shouldn't be in there, sorry.
Sorry about that.
Lee and Dean, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ANTI ORAL.
The clue is - that's reasonable.
That's ANTI ORAL - that's reasonable.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ANTI ORAL.
The clue was - that's reasonable.
It was, of course, RATIONAL.
OK, before we go on with the show, he doesn't work here any more, but he keeps on turning up anyway, it's Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
APPLAUSE All right, Joe? Yeah.
Anyone else noticed it's getting a bit nippier out? - Yeah, yeah, I've noticed that, yeah.
- I was having a few cans last night.
I got a bit pissed in my outdoor bath thing.
What are they called, the outdoor bath things? - Hot tub? Jacuzzi? - No, no.
No, pond.
I was having a few Having a few cans in my pond and I was .
.
a bit pissed up and .
.
when I woke up the next morning, I was in a pissing block of ice.
And it was a bugger getting here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get on a Megabus like this? And the looks you get, the looks! I'm really hungover.
I really need a piss.
Fabio, mate, I really need Stop waving, you prick.
I really need a piss.
Can you go and get something to get me out of here? I really need a piss.
Hurry up.
Stop waving, you prick! Hurry up.
Sorry, Jimmy.
He likes waving cos he's thick as pig shit.
No, don't rush.
You take your time.
Is that it? It's going to take forever, you prick.
Get something else! I need a piss.
Stop waving! Here we go.
That's a bit more like it.
What have you got? What have you got, hammer and chisel? Good lad.
Hurry up.
I'm bursting here.
Oh, hurry up.
What you got? Come on! Oh, you're a tosser.
You're an absolute tosser.
Get something else! Hurry up! Stop waving! God, you wind me up.
Don't you dare wave again.
Don't you fucking You anus! I'm going to fucking pelt you - I need a wee! - WHOOSHING SOUND What's that noise? What the fuck is that? What the? Don't use a flame-thrower, you anus! Oh! Oh Great.
Now I've wet meself.
Oh, that's lovely Oh, that's nice.
DRAMATIC MUSIC GROANING The music's not helping.
It's making it come out.
Oh, I held that for about 15 hours.
Oh, do you know what? I don't care any more.
Ah I'm worried that's a weird colour.
That's a hangover piss if I've ever seen it.
At least my legs are warmed up.
Oh, let's play Countdown! APPLAUSE Have you been eating asparagus, Joe? A little bit.
- And I've been drinking quite dark piss.
- Mm.
OK, Jon, Sophie, your turn to choose the letters.
Could I have three consonants, please? N F R Three vowels, please.
I O E A consonant and vowel, please.
- D - Yeah.
- A You get one more.
- And a consonant.
- And C OK, your time starts now.
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, mate.
It doesn't smell of piss, does it? Oh, God.
Just glad you didn't need a shit.
I wouldn't go round the back, then.
OK, Jon, how many? - Six.
- Sophie, how many? - Four.
Sean, how many? So, I'm going to go for a seven.
It's a made-up word.
- OK, well - But there's no points going for the number I have got, - because that won't win.
- OK.
It's like taking a shot from the halfway line, basically.
- Right.
- But you haven't got the ball.
- Miles, how many? - Five.
- Five? Sophie, your four-letter word.
It is RODE.
Miles? CREDO.
C-R-E-D-O.
- SUSIE: Mm-hm.
- Like a belief.
Because you've played lots of vicars, haven't you? - Almost exclusively.
- Yeah.
Jon? I have a FRIEND.
- Aw! - I don't think that's true.
Sean, your seven-letter word.
Pretty impressive stuff, - seven letters.
- Yeah, seven-letter word.
- Well done.
DIAFORN.
Is it in there? It's not in, Sean.
Lee and Dean, could they have done any better? Er, FANCIER.
And I think it's a French word - con-fi-day? - CONFIDE.
- CONFIDE, sorry.
- Yeah.
CONFIDE.
OK, six points to Jon.
APPLAUSE So, at the end of that, Jon and Sophie are in the lead with 37.
That's impressive.
It's very impressive.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Lee, Dean, what have you got for us? Well, erm You've been really funny tonight, yeah? Like, good funny, but also because you haven't let on - - he's asked us to do a job for him.
- Guess what he's done? - Convert his garage.
- Yeah, he's asked us to convert his garage, yeah.
- Sure.
- But naughty, naughty Mr Carrare He don't answer his phone, so we've got all these questions, like, about the plans and that.
We've got loads of questions, so we thought while we're here, - we may as well - We'll just go through the plans.
Well, I'm sure no-one will mind.
Go ahead.
First one - these hooks in the ceiling and the floor? You've said you'd like them to take the weight of a large gentleman.
Is that individually or spreading the load, Mr Carr? I think they each need to take the weight of a large So we'll do that.
So, next one - the wall that runs down the side of the garage - by the alleyway next to your pub.
- Where that pub is, next door.
Yeah, right, I've got on here, there's holes you want drilled through the wall about .
.
that big.
Well, I suppose about the circumference of a penis, really.
About that sort of size.
I just want to check, is that in full anger or on the slack? - Full anger, I would say.
- Full anger, right.
- Full anger.
This toilet area, to all intents and purposes to us, that looks like a glass coffee table, Mr Carr.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- Good, yeah, that's fine.
- And a waste.
- Say about the walls, say about the walls.
Yeah, the walls.
Now, the walls here, according to this, I think this must be inches but you've written on here 12 feet.
The thickness of the walls.
If anyone's down there suffering or in pain, no-one's going to hear them.
Is that what you want? - I sort of need a guarantee on that, really, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, that's fine.
- Our word is our bond, Mr Carr.
- Yeah.
And lastly, and I'll say it quietly, ermas per your request, we're very happy to do it cash in hand.
- We know that works for you, Mr Carr.
- LAUGHTER Thank you.
Lee and Dean, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are SOFT RING.
The clue is - ooh, yummy.
That's SOFT RING - ooh, yummy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SOFT RING, the clue was yummy.
It was, of course, FROSTING.
You all right, Joe? Eryeah.
Bit hungry but, you know.
- Fabio, can you get Joe something to eat? - That's a good idea.
He usually has some Maltesers on him.
You got any Maltesers on you, mate? Usually has Maltesers.
Oh, goody.
Any that haven't been nestled by your bollocks? Right, that'll do.
There should be an air hole up there, mate.
Can you put one in? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Bollocks.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Miles, your turn to pick.
OK, let's have What do you want, four vowels, five consonants? Don't do it like that.
You do it No, that's just Don't rush into it.
Vowel, please, Rachel.
I Consonant, please, Rachel.
B See, this is how you do it.
It's a master at work.
I don't if the camera's picking this up but the river of piss - is heading ever closer.
- I'll be honest with you, I am still pissing.
I repeat - I am still pissing.
- Consonant, please, Rachel.
- I had 17 Malibu and Cokes last night.
LAUGHTER Vowel, please, Rachel.
E Consonant, please, Rachel.
L Consonant, please, Rachel.
- G - This is how you do it.
- Consonant, please, Rachel.
- S Consonant, please, Rachel.
And the last oneK And your 30 seconds starts now.
UPBEAT MUSIC I've swallowed it.
MOUTH ORGAN WHEEZES Sean, how many? - I've got six, Jimmy.
- Miles, how many? - Five.
- Jon? - Seven.
- OK, Sophie? - Six.
- Miles, your five? - BILGE.
- BILGE.
- Lovely word.
- Hell of a word.
Sophie, your six? I've got BASILS.
- BASILS? - Yeah, like, the plural of basil.
- Thai basil.
Lemon basil.
Yeah.
Two types of basil.
You got all your basils.
It does they're mass noun.
Which means you can't put an S on it.
Rachel, I just made an observation.
Would you mind standing up, please? In that dress it looks like you've swallowed a glitter ball.
LAUGHTER - Sean? - I got six, Jimmy.
And a word that Lee and Dean will know very well.
GABLES.
- No idea.
- The gable end of a house.
- Means nothing, sorry.
- If an architect said to you, - "We need to alter the gables" - We don't use architects.
LAUGHTER Jon, your seven.
This show would have been better if Joe Wilkinson had been BAGLESS.
- Yeah, it's in the dictionary.
- BAGLESS is in the dictionary.
OK, so, Lee, Dean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Dame Susie Dench has got an eight.
KISSABLE.
OK, so seven points for Jon.
OK, so, really couldn't be closer.
Sean and Miles have 7, Jon and Sophie have 44.
OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's couldn't-be-less-crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Can we make it if we get it, we get 40 points? Why not if you get it, you get a tiny bit of your pride back? - How's that? - No.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Don't even bother looking at it.
- No point.
- You're never gonna get it if you don't look.
Have just a guess, Sean.
Got it.
- MISERABLE.
- Let's have a look and see if MISERABLE is up there.
Little bit of pride for Sean and Miles there.
So the final scores are - Sean and Miles have 17, Jon and Sophie have 44.
Congratulations, Jon and Sophie, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown aerobics kit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE VOICEOVER: Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown .
.
Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Sophie Duker, Miles Jupp, Lee and Dean, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley and your host, Jimm-y-y-y-y-y Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock! Thank you.
Sean Lock - he's as happy as he is French! And joining Sean tonight, it's Miles Jupp! Now Fun fact - Miles can only LAUGHTER Is this actually a fact, Jimmy? - Yes, it is a fact.
- OK.
- It's actually two facts, Miles, thank you.
Yeah, no, looking forward to it! "Miles can only get an erection during a fox hunt" LAUGHTER ".
.
and ejaculates Waitrose elderflower cordial.
" OK, fair, they were facts.
I just Up against them this evening, it's team captain Jon Richardson! "Jon Richardson, he brings us all the high-octane excitement "of a rail-replacement bus service.
" And Jon's team-mate, Sophie Duker! Fun fact - Sophie used to write sexy Harry Potter fan-fiction.
Sounds fun, I'd love to read about someone Slytherin into Hermione's Chamber of Secrets.
Miles, what's the strangest thing you've ever been asked to do? Um, I was once Um, I was asked if I would consider, um, being the public face of British Sausage Week.
Thethe face of? Well, I don't know what other part of my anatomy could be possibly be used to advertise a sausage, Jimmy.
It's my elongated kidneys.
I would, um, yeah And I was asked by e-mail, you know, a formal approach.
So And I did briefly consider it and then I turned it down out of .
.
really out of respect for sausages.
I thought I didn't want people to look at me and think, "That's what happens to you if you eat sausages," that you become very, sort of, red-faced and giggly.
People need to know it's the drink! Sean, what's your most redeeming feature? Um I can zone out, Jimmy.
And I can just zone out and be perfectly content and although, on my face, it might appear that I'm listening, inside, it's just HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la I'm very good in a flood.
Cos I've got a canoe.
And I'll paddle round, pick up a nana in her nightie and her dog and take them to safety.
I always rinse the bath out.
That's a goodredeeming feature.
You know, yes, he might have done some terrible things .
.
but he's rinsed the bath out.
As my fellow panellists will testify, I smell amazing.
I'd make a great candle, one lady said to me once.
She was driving past as well.
INDISTINC I mean, I don't know if I've answered the question enough.
- I mean, really - One of my redeeming features is just how many redeeming features I've got.
It's a lot, it does seem like a lot.
Sophie, what were you like at school? Oh, I went to a all-girls school in North London, it was a very posh school, the kind of school where there was like, five Eugenies per year.
Um, and I was a big nerd.
Like, I was a massive bookworm, which I think is quite a horrible way - to describe something that's quite good.
- Bit sad, that, really.
- Yeah.
It's like, "Oh, Sophie's, like, achieving the literary word.
"What shall we call her?" "Worm.
" "Good-grades maggot", "Knowledge slut", that's what they called me.
Um, I was a knowledge slut.
I thinkbookworm sounds all right, now you've mentioned "knowledge slut".
Are you competitive on this? I'm really glad you asked me that because I would rather die than go home without the top prize.
- You're in luck cos you're against Sean.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
I've got Miles.
The last, like, five times Miles has been on, he's barely been interested.
Um, yeah, I see this very much as my battle against white male privilege, so - She's talking to you, Sean.
- Well, um In this case, it's not privilege.
We arechallenged.
- Jon - Hello there.
- What makes you happy? I like watching people pick up dog shit.
We always focus on the people who don't do it.
But thethe majority of peoplepick up dog shit.
I think that's remarkable.
- With dogs? The majority - Who have dogs.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't have a dog, but I pick it up every now and again.
I like to know what it feels like, - the little runny ones that people don't go for - AUDIENCE GROANS .
.
I go for, like, top-level.
I think, "Even the pros haven't gone for that one, but I'll have a go.
" Do you think there are shits too small to pick up? I don't, as a fan, uh - Quite a slice of heaven you've carved out for yourself there.
- Yeah! What's odd, though, is there's a size of animal that you don't have to pick it up any more.
Like horses can shit everywhere and you can just leave that, so there must be a point at which, like Great Dane or Shetland pony .
.
in between, where people can just, - as a bystander, say, "Fair play, that's too much.
" - LAUGHTER I feel like this is a conversation that happened on the Internet! Miles, have you got a mascot this evening? Uh, kind of.
A mascot is about luck, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's a little bit of luck, yeah.
- Yeah, well .
.
I don't really believe in luck, per se, um, but I have brought with me, just as a, sort of, little treat, to, sort of, jolly me along Um, I normally eat at about this time - Right.
- .
.
so just something for me to just have a go on during the show.
This isjust a little bit of sushi.
I'm going to start with the fish, work across to the veg - it just holds longer, um, and this stuff as well remarkably good value, actually.
I was walking past a place earlier and they were about to scrapeall of this into the bin cos it's gone off This is going to bring me a lot of luck tonight.
- OK.
Sophie, you've got a mascot? - Uh, yes, I do.
Um, so, basically, at school, I was never invited to the cool girls' sleepovers so I've brought a sleepover kit with loads of fun stuff for us to do.
So, this is the film Never Been Kissed.
Uh, it's a great film about a woman who pretends to be a teenager to get a teacher to fancy her.
It's lots of fun.
She catfishes as a sexy kid.
Uh, this is a Spin The Bottle.
Uh, Spin The Bottle is great because it's really good for people who like to skip consent.
At least there's an element of chance! But surely, once you've entered the circle, you've given consent.
- You can - I don't think, yeah, if it's pointing outside the house, I don't think you're allowed to It's pointing right in that bedroom window, there.
- I've got a face mask to make your face soft.
- OK.
- There you go.
- Um, I mean, obviously, we're all wearing - Well, that's That's not creepy! That's fine! I feel like I should have a chainsaw.
Yeah, so that's like a literal mask you can put on your face, over the metaphorical mask you're wearing.
Um - SEAN: Whoa, don't do that! - JON GIGGLES He just stuck his tongue through it! - That's horrible.
- Oh, it's like Um, so these are nail gems.
- Oh, lovely! - Very exciting, they make for a very fun wank.
Very fancy.
- So, when you're a kid, it's really hard to get, uh, booze - Right.
.
.
so I've got cherry brandy.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Have you actually got cherry brandy or is this some kind of prop? Cos if you've actually got cherry brandy, let's get loaded! - Look at those! - What if I go full sexy, Jimmy? We're getting boozy.
Fucking hell, that's, uh Oh, that's good! - Do you like it? - See, I never got - invited to - Oh, Jesus! - .
.
girls' sleepovers either! That's like a Oh, wow! It's like diabetic lighter fuel.
- What's he done? - Miles can't open the water cans! Miles can't open the water cans and I won't show him how to! - I just don't It's got a thing on it! - Yeah, well, you should've gone to a normal school! Sorry, Sean, I don't want toI don't want to be a dick about this, but I had to show you how to do that last week.
Yeah, that's why I'm being a dick now! Um, I've forgotten some pillows.
OK.
Did actually use pillows as girlfriends when we used to play when I was a little boy.
This used to We'd all have a pillow each and it'd be our girlfriend.
I ran the post office and Lee ran the book shop, and that was the library, that was the bookcase in the thing, and Sheldon had a little shop, and we all used to have a wife.
It's like an advert for bullying, isn't he? - Jon, have you got a mascot? - Uh, more than that, Jimmy, it's actually a very exciting technological breakthrough.
You'll be aware, of course, of virtual reality - it's a big thing at the moment, isn't it? Sort of immersive experience, where you put on a headset and it's like you're somewhere else.
Well, I've actually taken that technology and advanced it to the next level, which I call, "Reality.
" So, I've gone back to where I first got into Countdown, which was in a snooker club in Morecambe.
I've recreated the Devonshire pub.
Here we are, there's little bar stools, there, that all the people would be sat at, and this is the telly where Countdown would be on, and you slip it over the old bonce, like this There you go.
So, here we are, it's got a little strap and there I am.
I wanted to recreate the smoke of the Devonshire pub by asking if anyone in the audience vaped and they could vape in my face and it would recreate the haze, but I'm not allowed to do that for health and safety and sexual tension reasons.
So, what I've got instead is some sort of cotton wool I can stretch into a sort of smoke haze These nails are causing a bloody How do you take these off? Does it hurt? Not the most masculine moment of my comedy career, this.
What was?! And then I, sort of, pop this on Oh.
- HE GIGGLES - I feel like a T-Rex! If I Justjust out of interest, how would I .
.
How would I distinguish this from a breakdown? And to get the smells here, this is a pint of out-of-date bitter .
.
and I'm just going to Ooh.
- And you're just flicking some beer in your face.
- Oh.
I mean, I take your point, Jimmy.
It doesn't look good for me, does it, at this point? And I tell you what, if you think it's been fun so far, watch me try and get it off without slicing my ear open.
- I thinkI think the nose is going to go - Ah - Uh, ooh - Ah - Ooh - Jon's pub, everyone! - The Devonshire.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I do very much have a mascot.
And I, obviously, I have to get up for this, but, um .
.
I have to adjust my attire slightlyfor this.
- What are you up to? - Yeah, I've got to go behind this screen.
Why are you taking your shoes off? I'll just briefly explain to you Well, um, I've been asked to, um, reshoot You know the opening sequences of James Bond films? - Where they have a silhouetted sexy lady? - Yeah, with the people I'll just get undressed and I think you'll be in for a bit of aa bit of a visual treat, Jimmy.
- Why have they asked you?! - Well, this is why, Jimmy! Ridiculous.
I think you can clearly see why.
- I love the Oh! Are you REALLY taking your clothes off?! - Yeah.
There we are.
WOLF-WHISTLE - Aw! - There we are.
Would you like them back, Jimmy? So, Jimmy, there we go.
- Sean.
- Yes? Uh, where are your genitals? - They're in there.
- Well - There.
- Where?! - There! There.
I can't really Yeah, you're probably looking up here It's actually just there.
Oh, no, there it is! Yeah, yeah, that's it! Is that it? Can you see it yet? Anyway, music, please! MUSIC: Diamonds Are Forever by Shirley Bassey That's quitequite a sequence to follow, so good luck with that, Mr Craig.
Sean Lock, everyone! OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Lee and Dean! - All right? - All right.
Lee, Dean, first time on the show, tell us a little about yourselves.
- Well, I'm Lee - And I'm Dean.
We run, uh BOTH: Dean and Lee Construction Solutions.
- Uh, yeah, it's local business and that.
- Can we just check, actually, how long this is going to take? Cos we are sort of midway through a job.
Um, we're sorting out, like, a gas main and, well, we've got a bag-for-life round it, but, like, two hours maximum.
There's a limit to how far you can push, like, a gas main.
- II mean, we'll crack through as soon as we possibly can.
- If that's all right, if that's all right.
Thank you.
Um, I know we're not, sort of, contestants and that, Mr Carr, um, but, um, if it's all right, we've brought our own - lucky mascot - Yeah, we have got one.
- Oh, that's right, show them.
- This is brilliant.
- My aunt Irene swears by this.
- Yeah, go.
It's a rabbit's foot.
There you go.
- Actual rabbit's foot.
- Actual rabbit's foot.
Yeah.
And I know people get, like, all funny about animal welfare and that, so to just put your mind at rest, um, this is Nutmeg AUDIENCE: Awww! .
.
and, um, as you can see, Nutmeg is Nutmeg is having the time of his life.
- Lee and Dean, everyone! - Yeah.
- I like Lee and Dean.
Good! And with Lee and Dean, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie's books have been described as "put-downable" and "page-burners".
Susie, we've got Lee and Dean on the show tonight.
Are there any interesting words or phrases that builders use? Well, for book 14, Jimmy, I looked at the language of different professions and I had spent a day with about five builders - AUDIENCE CHUCKLES - .
.
which was fun! - Five of them?! Um, and some plasterers too.
And LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH You don't help yourself, do you?! MILES CACKLES - Um, you will know all of this.
- We might not, to be fair.
Great rhyming slang, like Gary Neville? Spirit level? Gary Neville.
- What is she saying? - No idea - Oh! What about, "spreading the fat on the Lionel"? "Spreading the fat on the Lionel"? That's disgusting.
Don't know what I like that.
That is I'm not sure the guys you met were builders! - I think they were taking the piss out of you.
- That is plastering the ceiling! Dancing On The Ceiling - Lionel Richie.
- Oh, that's clever! - It is! - Yeah, it is! - Thank you! OK, and in charge of numbers, it's Rachel Riley! As the co-host of regular Countdown, Rachel is more popular with old people than Werther's Originals and controlled immigration.
Rachel, are there any bad aspects to working on Countdown? I find it quite hard to switch off.
I can't turn my brain off anagrams.
So recently, we've been looking for a doula, which is a woman who, kind of, helps you breathe and helps you get the baby out and massage and One woman had such a strange name, I was staring at it, and realised I couldn't hire her at all because her name was an anagram of "Vagina Gone".
I thought it was a really bad sign! I want my vagina to stay afterwards, I think that's generally how it works.
Good luck! It looks like it'll be coming before the end of the show! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown aerobics kit! MUSIC: Physical by Olivia Newton-John OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Uh, Jon, Sophie - you get the first pick of the letters.
- Woohoo! - Yay Just me on that one, then! - Please.
- Yes, can I have a vowel, please? - Thank you, Sophie.
- A.
- Could I have another vowel, please? You can indeed.
O.
Could I have another vowel, please? E Can I have a consonant, please? L - Can I have another consonant? - P.
Can I have two more consonants, please? T, S.
Can I have another vowel? U And one more consonant, please.
And the last one - G.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
APPLAUSE I Hang on, I'm just balancing stuff on my chin.
I just I'll, uh Yep.
OK, Jon? Jon, how manyhow many letters, Jon? Uh, seven.
- MUFFLED: Sophie, how many? - Six.
- Sean? - Six.
- Miles? - Six.
Tell you what, it's a hell of a view! Piss on him! What's that?! Well, that's Yeah, I don't think that's infected.
That'll be fine.
SHE EXHALES Sophie, what was your six? I got distracted by the folds in Susie's skirt .
.
the folds on the skirt, not inside the skirt - and uh - I went for PLEATS.
- PLEATS.
- PLEATS.
- Uh, Sean, your six? - STAPLE.
- Miles, your six? - Uh, also STAPLE.
- Jon, your word? - OUTAGES.
- Very good.
- OUTAGES? IN A COCKNEY ACCENT: OUTAGES.
- Seven points to Jon! - SEAN: Oh Susie, could they have done any better? Couple of eights.
OUTLEAPS - to leap further than someone else, - um, and GLUEPOT.
- OK.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Sophie are in the lead with 7! OK, onto the first numbers round.
Uh, Sean, Miles, - your turn to pick the numbers.
- Just the usual, please - Usual, Sean-y special.
- .
.
Rachel.
- Two from the top, four little, coming up.
- Nice one.
And this time, they are 5, 9, 2, 4, 25 and 50.
And the target 889! OK, and your time startsnow! OK, so the target was 889.
Miles, did you get it? I think so.
Uh, Sean, did you get it? - I got 891.
- 891, OK.
- Uh, Jon, did you get it? - 891.
891 Sophie, did you get it? No.
I got 1,000.
OK, so, um - Miles.
- Miles.
- I didn't, actually.
I think we all knew that.
OK, so, Sean was the closest.
How did you do it? Two 9s are 18, aren't they? - They are! - Ah-ha! - And then you times them by 50, don't you, Rachel? - You do.
- Uh - So you've got - And then you take off a 5 and a 9.
- 4! Sorry, 4.
- Yeah, for the 9, yeah.
- For a 9, yeah.
- 891, lovely.
- JON: Samesies.
- OK, seven points to both teams.
Oh, Rachel, could it be done? If you say 50 times 9 is 450 Well, that seems reasonable.
- This all seems reasonable so far.
- Yeah.
Add 5, for 455 - Right.
.
.
times it by 2 for 910, add the 4 - 914 and take away 25 for 889.
And into a teaser.
The words are DONG IDOL, the clue is - I like to draw them.
That's, DONG IDOL - I like to draw them.
See you after the break! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DONG IDLE, the clue was - I like to draw them.
It was, of course, DOODLING.
Jon and Sophie are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Miles and Jon.
So, Miles, your turn to choose.
Three vowels, please.
JON: Game over already.
I E, O - I'm going to write them down.
- LAUGHTER I'm writing them done.
Let's do a couple of consonants now.
- Couple of consonants.
- See how we feel after.
N and .
.
- Chuck another one up? - Yeah, why not pop another one on? M Hello! LAUGHTER - We'll have two more vowels.
- Two more vowels?! - Yeah, we might as well enjoy - A.
- .
.
ourselves while we're here.
- U.
- Now you've got one of each.
Lovely.
- Consonant.
And a final R - Too many vowels, mate.
- Yeah.
- LAUGHTER OK.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Little bit artistic with toast.
You can be artistic with toast.
I've done one of you, Sean.
I think you'll like it.
LAUGHTER - Very nice.
- I've done one of Jon.
LAUGHTER It's a cracker.
LAUGHTER I've got toast for everyone.
Yeah.
That's it, everyone.
We've done you a round of toast.
A bit of toast for you.
- It's just toast, is it? - Andjam.
- What kind of jam is this? Marmalade? - Yeah, and the spreads are vegan for Jon becausehe's a prick.
LAUGHTER - Miles, what have you got? - Eight letters.
- I know.
The word is MINOTAUR.
- I've got an eight as well, then.
- Oh, really? LAUGHTER Because he wasn't saying anything, I thought I was meant to fill in a gap.
No, we were justwe were just amazed at the eight.
- Oh.
- I got a seven.
- OK.
What's your seven? INOTAUR.
And I'm kicking myself now.
LAUGHTER You don't think to put the M on it, do you? Absolute dickhead.
OK.
So, what was yours, Jon? REMOUN REMOUN - Minotaur's up there? - No.
- Can't have it.
Why can't you have Minotaur? There was only one Minotaur, so it's capital M.
So, the word Minotaur is not in any dictionary? It's in the dictionary but it's got a capital M.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's in the dictionary.
- But it's got a capital M.
- What are you fucking talking about? LAUGHTER - No, sorry.
No.
No.
You do not swear at Dame Susie.
- Sorry.
- OK.
Seven points to Jon! - Lee, Dean? - Yes, mate.
- Could they have done any better? - Probably.
- Yes, shall we? RAINOUT.
- What, sorry? - RAINOUT.
"What's the weather like?" "There's been RAINOUT.
" - Yeah, an event that's cancelled through rain.
- "RUM-inate".
- "ROOM-inate", yeah.
- LAUGHTER OK.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Miles have 7, Jon and Sophie have 21.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now, time for Sean and Sophie to go head-to-head.
I like the fact that everyone is having toast now.
This couldn't feel any more studenty.
- What have you gone for, Rachel? - Lemon curd toast.
- Lemon curd? Lemon curd! Fabio, you prick.
- What's wrong with lemon curd? - It's not your go to.
You want your jam, you want your marmalade.
Maybe even a nice bit of Nutella.
But lemon curd's way down.
- That's the back shelf.
- You rate Nutella more highly as a condiment than lemon curd? - Yeah! - Disgusts me.
Sorry, you're saying lemon curd is a bigger deal than Nutella? You can make your own lemon curd.
LAUGHTER And suddenly, I don't want to know any more.
- You can't make your own Nutella.
- You can.
You can make your own anything.
- Of course, you can't make your own Nutella.
- You can.
Na-na-na.
- Shut up, be quiet.
- LAUGHTER - Let's playlet's play numbers.
- OK.
- Sophie, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Can I have two big numbers? - You can indeed.
- The rest small.
- Four small.
They are 4, 1, 2 and 9, and the big ones 100 and 25.
OK, what is the top? The target 933.
All right, your time starts now.
So the target was 933.
- Sophie, did you get it? - Yes.
- That's a confident yes.
- YES! Yeah, I think so.
- Sean, did you get it? - No.
That's a very confident no.
OK, Sophie, how did you do it? 9 x 100 = 900 900 + 25 = 925 I like the way you've got a maths voice.
- 4 x 2 = 8.
- There we go.
8 + 25 Now you're doing a weird questioning face.
- 933.
Yep, you're there.
- Yeah! 10 points.
You went through a gamut of emotions there - you were very confident and sassy early on, you lost all faith in yourself and then you came good at the end.
That was the Lord Of The Rings in the maths round.
"Nobody tosses a dwarf.
" Title of your sex tape.
OK, so Sean and Miles have 7, Jon and Sophie have 31.
APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Lee, Dean, what have you got for us? - Thank you very much, Mr Carrrr Cheers.
It may surprise you to learn that we do occasionally, Dean Lee Construction Solutions, have to deal with complaints from customers.
Really? This year alone we've had four jobs and probably, like, seven court cases, so we're used to dealing with difficult punters.
And what we do, we have a very rigorous in-house training programme where we role-play difficult situations with difficult clients and what we do is we use real things that clients have said to us.
Now, usually, Lee or myself, Dean, would do it.
- Would be the client, yeah.
- But because Susie Dench is here, we're going to, if it's all right, ask her to These are real things that clients have said to us.
And most of our clients are in their sort of late 50s, early 60s, - so Susie's perfect for this.
- Know what I mean? - Thank you! Real things that clients have said to us.
Here we go.
- "Where's my roof?" - Very good question.
- Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Normally when we get that, one of us will, like, just burst into tears or something and divert the punters.
Next one please, Miss Dench.
"Why are there sharp nails sticking out everywhere? "You could hang your coat from them.
" - Yeah.
- I remember who this one was from.
It was from a nursery for kiddies, yeah.
Right, listen, it was like a playground area, weren't it? Yeah, and the bloke said, "Why is there nails everywhere?" So quick thinking, we went, "It's for sensory play.
" "If you touch that, you will bleed.
" You know what I mean? Simple.
Yeah.
- Very good.
- Sorry.
Next one, yeah.
- "Why are you always late on site?" - Oh, yeah.
- Funny story behind this.
We went on holiday, yeah, to Florida.
- Orlando.
- Disney.
- All the rides - All the rides and all that, yeah.
And when we come back, we never quite, like, got onto England time again, - so we just stayed on Florida time.
- That was, what, like, 2006, weren't it? - We've been like that since really.
- Worked for us, innit? - Yeah.
- We'll do the next one, please.
"I am three months pregnant, Lee, why are you ignoring me, you wanker?" That shouldn't be in there, sorry.
Sorry about that.
Lee and Dean, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ANTI ORAL.
The clue is - that's reasonable.
That's ANTI ORAL - that's reasonable.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ANTI ORAL.
The clue was - that's reasonable.
It was, of course, RATIONAL.
OK, before we go on with the show, he doesn't work here any more, but he keeps on turning up anyway, it's Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
APPLAUSE All right, Joe? Yeah.
Anyone else noticed it's getting a bit nippier out? - Yeah, yeah, I've noticed that, yeah.
- I was having a few cans last night.
I got a bit pissed in my outdoor bath thing.
What are they called, the outdoor bath things? - Hot tub? Jacuzzi? - No, no.
No, pond.
I was having a few Having a few cans in my pond and I was .
.
a bit pissed up and .
.
when I woke up the next morning, I was in a pissing block of ice.
And it was a bugger getting here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get on a Megabus like this? And the looks you get, the looks! I'm really hungover.
I really need a piss.
Fabio, mate, I really need Stop waving, you prick.
I really need a piss.
Can you go and get something to get me out of here? I really need a piss.
Hurry up.
Stop waving, you prick! Hurry up.
Sorry, Jimmy.
He likes waving cos he's thick as pig shit.
No, don't rush.
You take your time.
Is that it? It's going to take forever, you prick.
Get something else! I need a piss.
Stop waving! Here we go.
That's a bit more like it.
What have you got? What have you got, hammer and chisel? Good lad.
Hurry up.
I'm bursting here.
Oh, hurry up.
What you got? Come on! Oh, you're a tosser.
You're an absolute tosser.
Get something else! Hurry up! Stop waving! God, you wind me up.
Don't you dare wave again.
Don't you fucking You anus! I'm going to fucking pelt you - I need a wee! - WHOOSHING SOUND What's that noise? What the fuck is that? What the? Don't use a flame-thrower, you anus! Oh! Oh Great.
Now I've wet meself.
Oh, that's lovely Oh, that's nice.
DRAMATIC MUSIC GROANING The music's not helping.
It's making it come out.
Oh, I held that for about 15 hours.
Oh, do you know what? I don't care any more.
Ah I'm worried that's a weird colour.
That's a hangover piss if I've ever seen it.
At least my legs are warmed up.
Oh, let's play Countdown! APPLAUSE Have you been eating asparagus, Joe? A little bit.
- And I've been drinking quite dark piss.
- Mm.
OK, Jon, Sophie, your turn to choose the letters.
Could I have three consonants, please? N F R Three vowels, please.
I O E A consonant and vowel, please.
- D - Yeah.
- A You get one more.
- And a consonant.
- And C OK, your time starts now.
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, mate.
It doesn't smell of piss, does it? Oh, God.
Just glad you didn't need a shit.
I wouldn't go round the back, then.
OK, Jon, how many? - Six.
- Sophie, how many? - Four.
Sean, how many? So, I'm going to go for a seven.
It's a made-up word.
- OK, well - But there's no points going for the number I have got, - because that won't win.
- OK.
It's like taking a shot from the halfway line, basically.
- Right.
- But you haven't got the ball.
- Miles, how many? - Five.
- Five? Sophie, your four-letter word.
It is RODE.
Miles? CREDO.
C-R-E-D-O.
- SUSIE: Mm-hm.
- Like a belief.
Because you've played lots of vicars, haven't you? - Almost exclusively.
- Yeah.
Jon? I have a FRIEND.
- Aw! - I don't think that's true.
Sean, your seven-letter word.
Pretty impressive stuff, - seven letters.
- Yeah, seven-letter word.
- Well done.
DIAFORN.
Is it in there? It's not in, Sean.
Lee and Dean, could they have done any better? Er, FANCIER.
And I think it's a French word - con-fi-day? - CONFIDE.
- CONFIDE, sorry.
- Yeah.
CONFIDE.
OK, six points to Jon.
APPLAUSE So, at the end of that, Jon and Sophie are in the lead with 37.
That's impressive.
It's very impressive.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Lee, Dean, what have you got for us? Well, erm You've been really funny tonight, yeah? Like, good funny, but also because you haven't let on - - he's asked us to do a job for him.
- Guess what he's done? - Convert his garage.
- Yeah, he's asked us to convert his garage, yeah.
- Sure.
- But naughty, naughty Mr Carrare He don't answer his phone, so we've got all these questions, like, about the plans and that.
We've got loads of questions, so we thought while we're here, - we may as well - We'll just go through the plans.
Well, I'm sure no-one will mind.
Go ahead.
First one - these hooks in the ceiling and the floor? You've said you'd like them to take the weight of a large gentleman.
Is that individually or spreading the load, Mr Carr? I think they each need to take the weight of a large So we'll do that.
So, next one - the wall that runs down the side of the garage - by the alleyway next to your pub.
- Where that pub is, next door.
Yeah, right, I've got on here, there's holes you want drilled through the wall about .
.
that big.
Well, I suppose about the circumference of a penis, really.
About that sort of size.
I just want to check, is that in full anger or on the slack? - Full anger, I would say.
- Full anger, right.
- Full anger.
This toilet area, to all intents and purposes to us, that looks like a glass coffee table, Mr Carr.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- Good, yeah, that's fine.
- And a waste.
- Say about the walls, say about the walls.
Yeah, the walls.
Now, the walls here, according to this, I think this must be inches but you've written on here 12 feet.
The thickness of the walls.
If anyone's down there suffering or in pain, no-one's going to hear them.
Is that what you want? - I sort of need a guarantee on that, really, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, that's fine.
- Our word is our bond, Mr Carr.
- Yeah.
And lastly, and I'll say it quietly, ermas per your request, we're very happy to do it cash in hand.
- We know that works for you, Mr Carr.
- LAUGHTER Thank you.
Lee and Dean, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are SOFT RING.
The clue is - ooh, yummy.
That's SOFT RING - ooh, yummy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SOFT RING, the clue was yummy.
It was, of course, FROSTING.
You all right, Joe? Eryeah.
Bit hungry but, you know.
- Fabio, can you get Joe something to eat? - That's a good idea.
He usually has some Maltesers on him.
You got any Maltesers on you, mate? Usually has Maltesers.
Oh, goody.
Any that haven't been nestled by your bollocks? Right, that'll do.
There should be an air hole up there, mate.
Can you put one in? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Bollocks.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Miles, your turn to pick.
OK, let's have What do you want, four vowels, five consonants? Don't do it like that.
You do it No, that's just Don't rush into it.
Vowel, please, Rachel.
I Consonant, please, Rachel.
B See, this is how you do it.
It's a master at work.
I don't if the camera's picking this up but the river of piss - is heading ever closer.
- I'll be honest with you, I am still pissing.
I repeat - I am still pissing.
- Consonant, please, Rachel.
- I had 17 Malibu and Cokes last night.
LAUGHTER Vowel, please, Rachel.
E Consonant, please, Rachel.
L Consonant, please, Rachel.
- G - This is how you do it.
- Consonant, please, Rachel.
- S Consonant, please, Rachel.
And the last oneK And your 30 seconds starts now.
UPBEAT MUSIC I've swallowed it.
MOUTH ORGAN WHEEZES Sean, how many? - I've got six, Jimmy.
- Miles, how many? - Five.
- Jon? - Seven.
- OK, Sophie? - Six.
- Miles, your five? - BILGE.
- BILGE.
- Lovely word.
- Hell of a word.
Sophie, your six? I've got BASILS.
- BASILS? - Yeah, like, the plural of basil.
- Thai basil.
Lemon basil.
Yeah.
Two types of basil.
You got all your basils.
It does they're mass noun.
Which means you can't put an S on it.
Rachel, I just made an observation.
Would you mind standing up, please? In that dress it looks like you've swallowed a glitter ball.
LAUGHTER - Sean? - I got six, Jimmy.
And a word that Lee and Dean will know very well.
GABLES.
- No idea.
- The gable end of a house.
- Means nothing, sorry.
- If an architect said to you, - "We need to alter the gables" - We don't use architects.
LAUGHTER Jon, your seven.
This show would have been better if Joe Wilkinson had been BAGLESS.
- Yeah, it's in the dictionary.
- BAGLESS is in the dictionary.
OK, so, Lee, Dean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Dame Susie Dench has got an eight.
KISSABLE.
OK, so seven points for Jon.
OK, so, really couldn't be closer.
Sean and Miles have 7, Jon and Sophie have 44.
OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's couldn't-be-less-crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Can we make it if we get it, we get 40 points? Why not if you get it, you get a tiny bit of your pride back? - How's that? - No.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Don't even bother looking at it.
- No point.
- You're never gonna get it if you don't look.
Have just a guess, Sean.
Got it.
- MISERABLE.
- Let's have a look and see if MISERABLE is up there.
Little bit of pride for Sean and Miles there.
So the final scores are - Sean and Miles have 17, Jon and Sophie have 44.
Congratulations, Jon and Sophie, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown aerobics kit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE