8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e09 Episode Script

Two Boys for Every Girl

A little lower to the left.
Perfect.
Hi, Daddy.
Uh, Kyle? Oh, hey, Papa H.
You wanna be next? Off.
- You know what? I better split.
- Good idea.
Yeah, but before I go, how about a little sugar? Here's a candy bar.
Goodbye.
I was eating that.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, you know what? I was thinking, why don't we all go out for a pizza and a movie as a family? Why are you punishing us? Sounds great.
I like it when we hang out like a real family.
Wow! Sarcasm with a smile.
We're used to it with a sneer.
Isn't that right, Paul? Well, honey, we're not used to the "let's all hang out as a family" Kerry.
We're more used to the "my life sucks" Kerry.
She's just in a good mood because a boy asked her out today.
- Oh! - Really? Who? - His name is Jason.
- Ooh! Jason, Jason.
Are you gonna kiss him? He's so cute and he's really smart, and he wants to go out next weekend.
So? Oh, Kerry, I'm really happy this Jason asked you out, but You know the rules.
Bridget had to wait till she was old enough and so do you.
You think in six months I'll be better prepared? No, but I'll be better prepared.
Oh, my life sucks! Now that's the Kerry we know.
Right there.
- This is nice.
Having fun, Care Bear? - Drop dead.
I hate you.
You had me at drop dead.
What will it be? I heard this Robert Redford movie's good.
Oh, please.
Robert Redford is such a Brad Pitt rip-off.
How about that new movie, Go Go Go? It's about really fast cars and girls who like guys who drive 'em.
Is that Kyle taking tickets? Please, my boyfriend does not work at a movie theater.
Welcome to Montross Theaters.
Oh, my God, my boyfriend works at a movie theater! This is so lame.
Why wouldn't he tell me? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe he had the crazy idea you would judge him.
Loser.
Now, Bridget, come on.
All work is noble.
- There you go.
Right through there.
- Look at his little bow tie.
I cannot date someone who works at the multiplex.
Can't he work somewhere cooler, a music store? - Or a bookstore.
- Being serious here.
- I gotta go.
I'll be at the food court.
- Bridget! I should make sure she's OK.
Kerry! Come on, guys, it's family movie night.
You can't leave.
Now at least we can see this Redford movie.
Actually, that just sold out.
The only other movie left is Go Go Go.
- Three please.
- Go Parker was totally flirting with me.
I was like, "Uh-uh," but then I realized he was cute so I was like, "Uh-huh.
" Who's Parker? This cool senior.
We were at the Pennsylvania Pretzel Company, he started talking to me then asked me out.
I couldn't believe it.
He works at Banana.
- And that's cool, working at Banana? - Uh, yeah.
- What about Kyle? - Please, Dad, he's a movie usher.
You gotta do better than that if you want to hang with this.
Could you never do that again? You won't let me go out with some guy I really like, but let Bridget go out with some random pretzel guy.
He's not some random pretzel guy.
He works at Banana.
This is the most unfair thing ever.
Why don't you just lock me in my room? Your mother won't let me! You know, it's only one date, and she's so excited.
Maybe we should bend the rules just a little.
Know what happens when you bend the rules? They're not rules anymore.
They're just bent things.
I would've said that differently, but you're the writer.
My point is, dating is complicated and emotionally charged.
Kerry is such a sensitive girl.
I don't wanna see her get hurt.
She is more mature and responsible than Bridget was at her age.
I think she deserves a chance.
OK.
I'll think about it.
Yes! Thank you so much for talking to him, Mom.
OK, I'm off to pick up Parker.
Wait, you're picking him up? In my day it was customary for the boy to pick up the girl on a first date.
Back in your day women wore corsets and bustiers.
No, they didn't.
Really? Then how come Mom has one? - No, she doesn't.
- No, I don't.
Anyway, If Kyle calls, tell him I have a headache and I can't come to the phone.
You haven't told Kyle about Parker, Bridget? Well, I can't tell Kyle.
He's my safety net.
Wh I'm not lying for you! What's a safety net? Well, you know, in case it doesn't work out with Parker.
Which is totally wrong.
Did you have any safety nets? - That must be Jason.
- I'll get it.
I'll get it.
A father only has a few chances to put the fear of God into a daughter's boyfriend.
This is one of them.
OK, just be nice.
I'm always nice.
Now beat it.
I'm just gonna Get out.
Hi, I'm Jason, Kerry's friend.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, sorry.
It's an old habit from my days in the Corps.
Peace Corps? You wish.
So, Mr.
Hennessy Please, colonel.
Come on in.
Sit down.
So I see you went to Michigan.
Think their hoop team has a chance this year? You don't really like basketball, do you, Jason? No, sir.
Let's cut to the chase.
Skooch.
Now you're a teenager with raging hormones.
I'm a father with a raging temper.
If your hormones get into the ring with my temper, they will lose.
You understand? Yes, sir.
Hormones, temper, lose every time.
Look, Colonel Hennessy I'm not after anything.
All I want is for Kerry to like me as much as I like her.
Oh well said.
OK.
I'm ready.
Let's get out of here.
You kids have fun.
But no pulling over and parking somewhere.
Dad! No, sir, I mean, not with my Mom driving us.
Hi there.
Shut up.
What? I just wanted to know how your date with Jason went.
Oh, it was fine.
Good.
Did you have to kiss Jason's mom good night too? So how'd it go, honey? Oh, he's so awesome.
We had such a great time.
Thank you so much for letting me go.
Oh, my pleasure, Care Bear.
I knew you were ready to date.
You know what? You are so much cooler than Dad.
Well, it's not a competition.
But if it was, I'd win.
All right.
Bye, honey.
- So how'd it go last night? - Just OK.
- Hello? - Is that Jason? Could be.
Does Jason have a thick accent and need to talk to Rudolfo? OK, no one in this house get on the phone.
- Hey, Dad.
- Where you going, Bridget? Kyle's taking me shopping.
If he asks where I was, do not say I was with Parker.
I was at Mandy's watching Bring It On then went for pizza.
Make that the Smoothie Shack for a fro-yo I don't like Bring It On.
Dude, Where's My Car? Enough! I'm not lying for you.
- Is Mom here? - Wait! She's not lying, either.
Bridget, you know, this is You gotta stop.
I mean, as much as it pains me to say this, even Kyle doesn't deserve this.
I think you need to tell him the truth.
- But I'm getting away with it.
- You need to tell him the truth.
- Ready to go? - Yep.
Bridget, don't you have something to say to Kyle? - Kyle, we have to talk.
- What's up? I went on a date with Parker Jarvis.
- Parker? You did? - But it wasn't serious at all - I break up with you.
- What? I see where this is going, and I want credit.
I break up with you first.
Later, Papa H.
See? Doesn't the truth just feel better? What's for dinner? Vegetarian meatloaf with polenta.
Mm.
Can I have a Hot Pocket? No.
Hi, Care Bear.
OK, hypothetically, if a girl has a really good date with a boy, and the boy doesn't call her for more than two days, there's something wrong, right? Well, maybe Jason doesn't want to seem too eager.
Who said I was talking about Jason? God, Dad! I'm just saying that there could be many reasons why a hypothetical guy wouldn't call.
I mean, after your Mom and I went out for the first time, I waited a week before calling her.
How come? I didn't want her to know I was interested.
But one morning when I went out to get the paper, I caught him kissing my car.
But I didn't call.
Hey, Beach.
How was your day? Awful.
Everybody talked about how I got dumped by Kyle.
Amanda told Sara told Sabrina told Erin.
It was humiliating.
When Parker found out I got dumped by an usher, he broke up with me.
I'm the biggest loser in the school! I hope you're happy because it's all your fault! OK, I'm a bad person.
Point taken.
Now, can we have a nice, quiet, family dinner? Kerry, stop staring at the phone.
So, what's new with my little family? - Well, no one loves your daughters.
- Mom! - Dad! - OK, Rory, that is it! Upstairs.
No dinner! - Oh, man! - Go! And we were having vegetarian meatloaf and polenta.
Get out! Guys are the worst! Not Kyle.
Here we are inside the mall.
Here we are outside the mall.
Where was this one? - The mall? - Oh, yeah.
Our mall.
What do you do when you go out with a guy and you have a good time and then he doesn't call? I don't know.
Does that happen to people? God, you know, I mean, I thought Jason and I had a really good time.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe he hates me.
- OK, start at the beginning.
- OK, well, he Yeah, I'm bored.
Let's get to the good stuff.
- Did he make a move? - No.
- Did he try and kiss you? - No.
- Did he hug you real tight? - No.
Kerry, are you sure you had a date? Bridget! OK, did you even hold hands? Kind of.
I mean, he couldn't get his seat belt on.
His mom said she wouldn't leave until the dinging stopped.
I reached over to help him put his seat belt on, and I kinda touched his hand.
Oh, God.
No wonder he's blowing you off.
Why? What did I do wrong? Maybe you shouldn't have buckled him up in front of his mommy.
Maybe I should call.
No! No, no.
You never call the guy.
It's needy.
It's pathetic.
Wouldn't it be more honest? Honest? Dad told me to be honest and look where it got me? - Sitting home alone on a Friday night.
- I know.
God, Colonel Dad probably freaked Jason out.
God, he sucks.
I know.
Dad made me break up with the only guy I'll ever love just because he was a movie usher.
Go Go Go, theater three.
Thanks for coming to Montross Theaters.
Enjoy the movie.
- Hi, hi, hi.
- Hey, Papa H.
Kyle, mind if we have a little chat? Sure.
What's up? Kyle, you know I've always liked you, right? Nuh-uh.
Well, I have.
I just I'm worried about Bridget.
She's been really upset ever since you broke up with her.
Oh, yeah, I've been upset too.
The only reason I got this job was so I could take her to nicer places.
Really? Well, that's really nice.
She should never have lied to you.
You know she's really a good person, but I may have said a few things that might have pushed her in the wrong direction.
What are you getting at? Well, I thought that if you still liked her, maybe you could, I don't know Mr.
Hennessy, are you asking me to get back together with your daughter? - Yes.
- Oh.
Are you begging me? What are you watching? My social life being flushed down the toilet.
Is it any good? Kyle! It's so good to see you.
- Kyle? What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.
I'll give you kids some privacy.
Oh, more? Bridget and Kyle? Do you have anything to do with this? I don't want to brag, but it depends on how it turns out.
Listen I'm sorry about the whole breakup thing.
You know, it was stupid to worry about my reputation, but I miss you.
I miss you too.
So do you want to get back together? - Yes.
- Yeah.
OK, now I break up with you.
And just so we're clear, I get credit this time.
Oh, you definitely had something to do with this.
I thought you wanted to get back together with Kyle.
I will, as soon as I get my reputation back.
I'll call Erin who will call Sara, Sabrina, Amanda who will tell the world.
She's got the biggest mouth.
It should take about a week.
Well, that's terrible! You can't just use Kyle like that! So next Saturday? Yeah, I'd love to.
What just happened? Well, I guess you fixed it, so congratulations.
Has anyone called for me? You know that guy Jason you went out on a date with? - Yeah? - Yeah, he didn't call.
Are you out of your mind? That's not nice, Rory! If you gave me a brother, we wouldn't have this problem.
Get upstairs.
Bear? It's not fair! Jason hasn't called.
And he even stopped saying hi at school.
It's all weird now.
You know, how come I'm the nice one, and I get blown off? Bridget's mean to Kyle, and he comes crawling back.
I have no idea how that happened.
Look, Kerry, maybe You know, I've been through all the maybes.
Maybe I'm just not what a guy wants.
Maybe I should be more like Bridget and dress like a lap dancer.
- Maybe I'm just not sexy enough.
- Look, Kerry, you are plenty Forget that.
Let's talk about what's important, and it's not your clothes.
It's what's underneath.
I mean, no This is why I think my kids should wait before they date.
You don't have to worry about it because I don't ever wanna go on a date again.
Alrighty then.
Dinner in an hour.
All guys are jerks! You really liked this guy, didn't you? Honey, not all guys are jerks.
The truth is, and here's the painful part, sometimes, there are good guys like Jason, but it's just not meant to be.
- I know.
- So don't give up on all guys.
Don't cheat all the others who are gonna find you beautiful and talented and amazing.
OK.
OK? Amazing, huh? Truly.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yes.
Kerry, Jason's on the phone.
- Really? - No.
Gee, honey, you look a little undressed for family movie night.
It's just a little extra punishment for a certain movie usher.
You know I'm talking about Kyle, right? I wanna see Go Go Go again.
What was it, Rory, the timeless emotions, the witty banter? I liked it when the car flipped over, but he didn't spill his Coke.
Yeah, me too, that was cool.
Didn't we just have family movie night? That doesn't count.
In order for it to be family movie night, the family has to actually see a movie.
Jason.
- Colonel.
- At ease.
Mrs.
Hennessy.
Um Hi.
Hi.
You said that.
Right.
Um So, what have you been up to? Oh, I've been really busy, so if you tried to call, I didn't get it.
No.
I know you didn't call.
I just I don't know why.
I had a really nice time.
Me too.
Why didn't you say hi at school? - I was waiting for you to say hi first.
- I was waiting for you to say hi first.
I would have called you, but my brother told me not to.
My sister told me not to call you.
We have so much in common.
I don't know, I was all embarrassed because I hate having my mom drive us.
I mean, that housecoat.
You know, but if you just wait three months, I'll have my driver's license.
There's a yogurt stand in the food court.
My mom wouldn't have to drive us.
Ew, Dad, don't do the thumb.
What's wrong with this? Honey, just put that away.
Well, we lost Kerry.
Four out of five isn't bad, right? - Yo, Bridge! - Oh, come on! Hey, Kyle.
Why aren't you taking tickets? I got a job selling snowboards at Barenaked Board & Skate.
No! Really? Let's take me shopping.
Well, I would, but I thought we were still broken up.
For another 24 hours.
Oh, yeah.
Here's here's a thought, you could say the whole thing was mutual.
- I'll say it if she will.
- I will if he will.
- Are you gonna say it? - Are you? Oh, for God sake, I now pronounce you mutual.
- What's so funny? - You.
Why? For not wanting your daughters to date, you've been a regular matchmaker.
You're right.
I guess I like seeing 'em happy, even if it has to be with boys.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Our movie's sold out.
All that's left is - Go Go Go.
- Oh, no.
I guess you're wondering how that kid ended up in a rug.
Look at him.
Easy on the eyes, isn't he? You'll hear about this.
Maybe at school, or maybe a friend will IM you.
Or maybe you'd like to get the real facts, the real scoop, the whole enchilada.
He was just spying on his sisters.
So what? Personally, I think they're jealous of him.
But that's a story for another day.
Ironic, isn't it? He always wanted to stay up all night.
I guess he got more than he bargained for.