8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e19 Episode Script

'Morning, girls.
- No, then he said to me - 'Morning, girls.
- What's up? - Nothing! Jason said Then he said What? What is it? - Nothing! - Private convo, Dad.
God! - His hair.
- In his ear? Yeah! What? What's that? What's that you say? You want me to walk you to school from now on? I didn't think so.
That was a sharp pain, Dad, but I'll go to school if you say so.
I say so.
You're faking.
What? Rory? Why are you trying to get out of going to school? Older kids have been calling him names.
- Shut up.
- What names? Um, Dork, Dorky, Dr.
Dorkenstein.
Girls! Being called names is not a reason to miss school.
Sticks and stones I know you guys are calling me names.
Knock it off.
Nip it in the bud.
Dad, please, can I stay home? Rory, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll talk to the guys when I drop you off.
Are you insane? You can never get out of the car, ever.
- OK.
- Promise.
Say it out loud.
- You won't get out of the car.
- I won't get out of the car.
You guys think you're big men calling my son names? - That make you feel important, does it? - Dude, your dad left the car.
I know.
We're sorry, Mr.
Hennessy, but we only called him Rory Borealis 'cause he has a crush on this girl named Allison and she's boring.
That's it?! Yeah.
Well, stop.
- OK.
- Check it out.
What? You wore your slippers? - So? - Slippers.
What up, Slipper Dad? You realize we're gonna have to move.
- Oh.
- What? I'm just sitting here.
You honestly don't even know what you did, do you? - Hmm.
Slipper Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
How did you even know about that? Rory doesn't go to your school.
- Uh, hello! - Grapevine.
Rory's friends have big mouths, like my friend Tiffany.
I'm telling everyone she let one slip during sit-ups in gym class.
- We're scarred for life yet again, Dad.
- You're overreacting.
- This will blow over.
- Hey, Bridge, Kerry Slipper Dad.
- What? - You heard too? - Detroit's a small town.
People talk.
What were you doing out of the car? OK.
Everybody, I am deeply, truly sorry.
And you can make it up to us.
Ashley's having a party.
Her old boyfriend Tyler will get in her new boyfriend Blake's face, which only leads to one thing.
Dance-off! Uh-huh.
Yeah, Mom and Dad, dance-off.
Uh-huh.
Hey, you know how I feel about you guys going to parties.
Come on, Dad, don't be a dork, please.
- You never let us have parties here.
- You've had a lot of parties here.
Yeah, parties with moon bounces and dancing clowns.
And morons dressed like the Lone Ranger.
Your father is not a moron.
Sure, this coming from Tonto.
- Hey, buddy.
- Don't call me buddy.
You crossed a line, Dad, and you crossed it in slippers.
Come on, Rory, you're all I've got in this house.
I'm drowning in a sea of estrogen.
You're my life raft.
Not anymore.
Unless No monkey.
Fine.
Don't come knocking at my door when Mom rents Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Wait.
All right.
How about a squirrel monkey, but keep him in the garage? - Chimpanzee, stays in my room.
- Squirrel monkey, in the attic.
- No deal.
- OK, squirrel monkey, attic, BB gun.
Bargaining with monkeys? You sad, sad man.
Remember when the kids looked up to me? They thought I was cool.
Yeah.
It's called parental dorkdom.
Comes with the territory.
Remember I was choking on that lemon wedge at Parent Night and Coach McNabb gave me the Heimlich? Which he enjoyed a little too much.
I was choking.
Then why was he smiling? The point is, I've been there.
We've all been there.
Accept it.
Come to the dork side, Paul.
I will not go gently, Cate.
Sue me if I miss the days of moon bounces in the backyard.
All right, well, I'm done helping you.
Hello? Yeah, Bridge.
- What? - What? - What?! - What?! Don't move a muscle.
The police just busted Ashley's party.
- What's the address? - Oh, my God, let's go.
- Paul.
- What? Yo, yo, yo! Slippa Dizzie in the hizzie.
- Anthony.
- Don't worry, Mr.
Henn.
The Five-O be makin' a big mistake.
My pops is gonna go all Johnnie Cochran on these fools, nahmeen? Bridget and Kerry Hennessy.
You guys aren't gonna embarrass us, are you? God forbid we embarrass you in front of your friends, the police! You lied.
You said you were going to Ashley's house for the party.
No.
Technically I told you Ashley was having a party.
I didn't tell you it was at - My house! - Tommy? Now you visit after your daughters almost get arrested.
Don't even bother.
Hey, how you doin', hot stuff? Very well, thanks.
How's your wife? I don't know.
She was sick yesterday, never woke up today.
If I were a betting man, I'd say either plumbing or How about a hug? - No.
- Come on.
No at the supermarket, no at the video store, no at the post office No! We'll always have the bank.
God, Tommy, I'm standing right here.
Yeah, but I like women.
Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
H.
Uh, Dad, the cops want to talk to you.
You fingered me as your father? Wait a minute.
Hold on a second.
Go to the garage, cover up the box marked "Hawaii vacation.
" Just go.
It's really a - Paul? - Oh, jeez.
Diane.
Cate, this is Diane Sharpe, Tommy's and my boss' wife, and their daughter Rachel.
Hey, he's wearing shoes.
No, he's probably got the slippers in the car.
They're driving moccasins.
- Tommy? - Huh? There are cops here.
You've got a beer can pyramid in your driveway.
- What kind of parent are you? - Yeah! Hey, who are you to judge me? I'm the one who opens my house to kids, even with a sick wife.
You all do nothing.
- Where else are the kids gonna go? - Anywhere but here.
Am I right? That's exactly right.
- Dad, please stop.
- You're making a scene.
I'm getting started.
I'll see to it this never happens again.
OK, big mouth.
After the basketball finals, next week, when the kids get together, like they always do, if not here, where? - You want to know where? I'll tell you.
- All right.
My God, this is worse than the time you choked on the lemon, Mom.
Really? They can go someplace safe, someplace where a responsible parent is in charge.
Someplace where we are secure in the knowledge that our children are going to have a good, wholesome time.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Paul.
You're welcome.
For what? - Oh, Paul.
- For volunteering your house.
God.
No offense, but this is, like, the dullest party ever.
At least you get to leave.
Hey, Dad, can you stop doing this to people? Unless it makes you disappear.
Hey, Rachel.
What's up? Nothing.
I noticed you went outside with your drink.
Let me just freshen that up for you.
Dad! OK, I'm trying to be a good host.
There it is, fresh as a daisy.
I tell you, Rory, they are not gonna put one over on me, right, pal? All those years I laughed while you screwed up Bridget and Kerry's lives.
But I'm not laughing now, man.
I'm not laughing now.
- Mom! He's ruining our party.
- Mom! Uh, Paul, can I just see you for a minute? Upstairs.
Oooh! - What? - Paul, you are unbelievable.
I may be a loser to my girls but I'm a hero to the parents.
- You mean to your boss' wife? - I think she's cute, that's all.
Oh, you mean No Listen, I am just saying I have a responsibility to their children.
Then just give their party a chance.
Go down every 15 minutes instead of every five.
Easy for you to say.
You're not under pressure.
You work in the emergency room all night.
Don't cry to me.
You volunteered our house on the week you knew I was working graveyard shifts.
- Trade you.
- No.
Oh - Paul, honey.
- Huh? - I thought you were going to work.
- Yeah, I did.
Uh Come here, sweetie.
I want to show you something.
Oh Oh, this is bad.
Twenty-seven messages.
Hmm.
I wonder what they want.
You could've woken me up.
Yeah, I could have.
You could have stayed in the car.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, really.
Sorry.
I know, 3:00 AM, I know.
Yo, Slippa D, your party be all Dennis Rodman and whatnot.
Fo' sheez, yo! Nice going, jackass.
- Drive safely.
- This party rocked.
Well, it's official.
I am now a loser to both kids and parents.
Nick Sharpe dragged me over the coals at work today.
- You know, Nick Sharpe can kiss my - Paul.
His daughter's here? Parents are actually allowing their kids to come over? Yeah.
They're just studying.
Besides, the parents trust me.
Pardon me, I'm gonna take a shower.
Try to stay awake while I'm gone.
- Hi, Mr.
Hennessy.
- Rachel.
What's up? - Nothing.
- Of course.
I'm just trying to write this stupid essay on The Old Man and the Sea.
Oh, you're reading Hemingway? Yeah, but it's just this depressing story about sharks eating some old guy's fish.
Rachel's talking to Dad.
Rachel doesn't talk to anybody.
Why Dad? No idea.
It's a total enigma.
Conundrum.
- Mystery.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
Thanks, Mr.
Hennessy.
Don't say anything, but my dad was no help at all.
He is such a loser.
Now come on, Rachel, he's a very busy man.
Granted, he gets paid very well and he can be a little pomp But that's neither here nor there.
Your secret is safe with me.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
I gotta get home for dinner.
Hey, Andre, let's go.
Mr.
Hennessy, is this you at Tiger Stadium? Oh, yeah, that's when I interviewed Kirk Gibson when he returned to Detroit in '93.
- Your dad's cool.
- Yeah, we know.
Bye-bye.
"Yeah, we know"? What do we know? 'Cause, unless I'm hallucinating, it sounded a little bit like we know I'm cool.
- Don't make a big thing of it.
- No, I'm not.
So, if your friends If your friends think I'm cool, I'm cool? - Sure.
- Yeah, I guess.
Cool.
I am exhausted.
Good night, honey.
- Will it bother you if I read? - Uh-huh.
I was just thinking about the events of the day.
Strange.
Talking might actually bother me more than reading.
The girls' friends were actually nice to me today.
They were interested in me.
One of them even told me something in confidence.
- Who? - I'm sorry, that's confidential.
Oh.
OK, good night.
Rachel Sharpe, the boss's daughter.
No big deal.
I'm telling you, Cate, something has shifted.
There was a silver lining to that awful party, some fantastic serendipity, like a phoenix rising out of the ashes.
- You're talking.
- Cate! This is important.
Rachel Sharpe can talk to me and cannot talk to her father, and other kids are seeing me in a different light.
That makes Bridget and Kerry see me in a different light.
I'm the go-to dad, if you will.
Because you accidentally fell asleep at a party? Cate, I'm telling you, for some reason the children have been brought to me.
Look, Paul, you're cool now, just like Tommy was cool last week.
But it'll pass.
Well, you may be right.
Jealous.
But until that time happens, I am going to bask in this moment in the sun.
It's my Brigadoon.
You know what, Paul? Say that to the kids, because the kids today, they love the musicals.
Oh, my God, I don't know who Grace Slick is, but I have the same pants.
- This is a great collection.
- My dad has cool taste in music.
- Oh - Don't.
Know who else was great? The Rolling Stones.
- I love them.
They're like U2.
- Only old and ugly.
- Bread? Cat Stevens? - Your mother's.
Enjoying Brigadoon? Brigadoon.
That's your mother's favorite musical.
She just adores it! Oh, she adores adores it.
Look at them, Cate.
I'm bordering on folk hero status.
You fell asleep.
All right, I'm gonna get out of here now.
- No parties.
- Yeah.
Love you.
Gee, you're thin.
Three children, you? Nah.
Ashley, Jasmine.
Oh, Bridget, remember what your mother said about She said no parties.
This is a couple of friends over.
Plus, look at Bridget.
Her clothing-to-skin ratio is totally non-party.
- Exactly.
- As long as it's a couple of friends, then maybe I'd better make us a pizza run.
What about that, huh? - Rory, you want to tag along? - No.
Alrighty, then.
Bridgie, Care Bear, private convo.
- What's going on? - Looks like a party.
But I could be wrong.
What happened to a couple of friends over? - More came, so now it's a kick-back.
- You mean a party? No.
Mom said we can't have parties.
Twenty or fewer is a kick-back.
- That's about right.
- Dad, it's Mom.
- Just a sec.
- Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Honey, hi.
You're on your way home? Circling the block? Why? A party? No.
Who told you that? Fred Doyle called you at work? Well, if he was so mad, why didn't he call here? Oh, Dad, Fred Doyle called, - while you left us all alone! - Rory! Go turn down the music! Honey No, I did not I went to get the It is not a party.
It is called a kick-back.
Yes, it is.
Twenty or fewer is called a kick-back.
Yes, it is! Yes, it is.
Your mother thought this was a party, but this is so obviously a kick-back.
Cate What? What? What?! I can't hear you.
You gotta speak up.
I can't hear over Brigadoon.
That's very, very funny.
- Hey, Papa H.
- Yeah, K-man? Tell Andre about the time you interviewed Magic Johnson.
- You interviewed Magic Johnson? - Sure did, Dre, sure did.
- Mr.
Hennessy - Just a second, honey.
I interviewed Magic when he was in high school and Michigan lost him to MSU.
Man, I miss your stories! Yeah, Rach? My mom and dad said it's OK I spend the night here if that's OK - with you and Mrs.
Hennessy.
- Sure.
- If they call, you'll talk to them? - No problem.
Awesome.
See ya! - Wait, hold on! - Dad! - Where do you think you're going? - Dad, don't embarrass us.
- Please don't make a scene.
- I'm not making a scene.
Rach, honey, it's me.
Let's talk this through.
- Yo, yo, yo! - Hey! Anthony, what the hell are you doing? Who are these guys? - Dad, aren't you getting sleepy? - Mr.
Henn, look at you all crinkly brow, and eyes all bulgin' and whatnot.
Shoot.
Yo, you want a beer, dog? Yeah, I want a beer, dog.
In fact, I want all the beers.
You know what else? I want the music to stop right now, and I want everybody out of here.
Man, Mr.
Henn.
Why you gots to be trippin', dude? And I want you to stop talking like an idiot.
I hear that.
Dad, this is officially a scene.
I want your car keys and I want them now.
Jeez.
How are my friends and I supposed to get home? I have a lacrosse game in the morning.
I will drive you.
I'll drive all of you in the minivan.
Oh, my God, the Loser Cruiser? - Dad, you don't have to do that.
- I have to do that.
Everybody, move out right now.
Come on, let's go.
Go on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hey, Cate.
Well, I see the children were brought to you.
You were right.
Cool Dad is vanishing into the night in a minivan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So much for Brigadoon.
Oh, hell.
Still my favorite musical.
Everybody, let's go.
Out! - Come on.
- This is gonna get all over school.
Starting tomorrow, we promise no more parties.
- Just be cool for now.
- Cool, huh? Let me give that some thought.
Uh No.
Girls, fetch my slippers.
Welcome back to the dork side, Paul.
Honey, you did the right thing.
One day the kids will laugh about this.
Rory, shouldn't you be in bed? Yeah, but I was kinda, sorta feeling bad for Dad.
And seeing how he was feeling tonight, it made me want to give him a present.
Hey, you got the boy back.
A present for me? What is it? Slippers.
Dozens of slippers! All the slippers that have been stuffed in my locker all week - because you had to get out of the car! - Rory, you can't Ooh, sheepskin.