8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e21 Episode Script

Kerry's Video

Bridget! God, I am going to kill you! - Mom.
- Talk to your father.
- Daddy, help me.
- Bride of Chucky's after Barbie.
My life is over and no one cares, because why should they? I'm just the middle child, eternally ignored.
And save.
What's wrong, Kerry? I have this video journal to do for school and Bridget taped over my project.
It's ruined.
- Bridget? - OK.
I'm going to a party with Kyle and bought pleather pants.
I wasn't sure if they looked real, mirrors lie, so I taped myself dancing from behind to see what I look like before asking for permission, which is very thoughtful.
- Cate? - Oh, come on, Paul.
I made breakfast.
And the kids.
Dad, I worked really hard on this project, and now look.
# I look hot in my hot new pants # In my hot new pants I'm dancing around, looking really good # You want me I look hot # In my pants Look at me go # I'm dancin' # Oh, God, I'm so at that party.
I shouldn't have seen that.
I'm the father.
- Dad! - OK, sweetie, I don't know what to do.
Can't you just, you know, tape whatever it was again? Sure.
I'll ask God if he can make that meteor shower again.
It's only visible every 60 years, but maybe he'll make an exception, you know, for Bridget's butt.
So, we're good? In the cabinet under my sink.
No, not that! Don't you understand? My project is due in less than one week and all I've got so far is Bridget's butt.
Why don't you do your video on Bridget? You've already got the end.
That's why you're the dad.
- My main man, Rory.
- Can I get a monkey? I am not having the monkey conversation again.
- But Dad - They do not pay for themselves.
Paul, I disagree.
OK, but you'll have to take care of it.
No, no, about Bridget being in Kerry's video.
But that I was just joking.
Yeah, right, "the end.
" Come on.
Hilarious.
I thought I told you to shovel the walk.
A couple guys are doing it for me.
- Can I have cocoa? - They're doing it for cocoa? Oh, yeah, I should get them some, too.
My God, a glimpse into Bridget world! She would be the perfect subject for my video.
Thank you, Daddy.
Your idea is inspired.
- You're welcome.
- I thought you were joking.
I was serious.
Cate, you don't get me at all, do you? - I don't want to do that.
- Since you ruined your sister's video, - you're gonna make up by helping her.
- Paul, a minute for rebuttal? Cate, come here.
Come here.
Yeah, this is much better.
They'll never hear us over here.
Did you hear what Kerry said? I inspired her.
I inspired the uninspirable.
Honey, you teamed up Road Runner and Wile E.
Coyote.
Yes, they're sisters and they love each other, but in small increments.
Perhaps my little pebble of inspiration can cause a ripple effect into the pond Oh, for the love of God.
Be my guest.
Go on.
Kids, after a long discussion, your mother and I have reached an agreement.
- I live with Dad.
- I live with Mom.
I'll have my own apartment.
You can visit.
Call first, please don't show up.
As Bridget's punishment, she will be in Kerry's video.
- Fine.
Whatever.
- Make her the center of attention.
That'll teach her.
It's great.
I'm gonna do my video on what life is like for Bridget.
How the beautiful people have it so much easier.
It's time someone exposed the hypocrisy.
Right.
Persecute the beautiful.
What is it, the Crusades all over again? That's not what the Crusades were about.
- Oh.
What am I thinking of? - Cocoa.
Oh, yeah, cocoa.
I got you, I got you.
You're cornered.
Ha! - Two hundred more points.
- Oh, Paul, it's just a game.
Don't worry, Mom.
I'm 5,000 points ahead.
Ten thousand.
Twenty thousand.
Dad, we need to use the TV.
Game over.
We'll call it a tie.
God, this project is so great.
I'm so gonna get an A.
- I love you, Daddy.
- "I love you, Dad.
" Did you hear that? Apparently, the pebble has landed.
Sit back while ripples ensue.
So, let's see this masterpiece.
It's nowhere near finished.
- Promise you'll tell me if it sucks.
- Or if I look bad.
Never mind.
Just watch.
In this looks-conscious society, there's only one minority that suffers no discrimination: The beautiful.
Although only two percent of the population, they occupy 50 percent of my bedroom.
Sounds like we have another writer in the family.
Yippee.
Her 58 minute shower finished, leaving only 30 seconds of hot water for the rest of us, Bridget begins the search for today's outfit.
Hate it.
Hate it.
Mom gave it to me.
Sad blouse.
Hate it.
- Hate it.
- A 58 minute shower? Bridget, do you have any idea what our water bill is? You have to pay for water? I thought you get it free when you buy the house.
Makeup comprises the longest portion of Bridget's preparation.
Look at all that stuff.
Bridget, do you even have a face? Bridget works hard for her good grades.
Hi, Bridget.
Here's that biology homework you wanted.
Oh, Henry, you're such a doll.
Everyone, isn't he a doll? OK, OK, five.
Every time he does my homework, I give him one more digit to my phone number.
Bridget's biology class is studying cell variations.
Even Bridget seems interested.
Bridget also uses her wit and charm when dealing with our city's finest.
Officer, I know I missed that red light but I've got these new blue contacts.
I'm a total Kabuki face in the winter.
In summer my skin is tawny and not like that fake tan stuff Amanda uses.
One of my blue contacts slipped before I got to the intersection, so even though it was a red light for everybody else, for me it was not.
Drive safely, miss.
Kerry, how come in every scene you show me using my looks to get people to do stuff for me? Daddy, make her stop! Well, you know, Bridge Anybody who sees this is gonna think I'm shallow.
Anybody who sees this is going to think I'm shallow! Oh, my God.
You all think I'm shallow.
Well, we're not looking at our shoes for scuff marks.
Rory! I'm sorry.
I should go upstairs and take a long, hard look at myself.
In the mirror.
And see what my butt looks like when I'm dancing! - Oh, God, I feel terrible.
- Ooh! A range of emotion I haven't captured, Bridget.
- Do it again.
- Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Thank you, Daddy.
Bridgie, oh, honey.
Paul, you tossed a bad idea into the pond.
No, Cate, wait a second.
Kerry held up a mirror, which reflects, much like a pond.
And if Bridget learned from something she saw, she should seize this moment and change.
I don't want to be shallow.
Really, I want to be deep.
As deep as those tubs of ice cream at the parlor, when they're scraping it off the bottom, their armpits pressed on the side, and you're going, "My God, are you gonna give me that?" Honey, you know Listen.
If you want to be that deep, just remember those tubs of ice cream don't empty themselves.
Somebody has to be working that scooper, taking them out one scoop at a time.
Except in the case of banana splits.
Then it's three scoops at a time.
- And usually - Paul, your daughter is crying.
Bridget, you have plenty of depth.
It's just that somewhere along the line, your interests kind of narrowed.
You used to be so involved in the drama club, and chorus and sports.
Remember, I begged you not to quit the tennis team? - Now I wish I hadn't.
- It's not too late to take it up again.
In fact, tomorrow, why don't we go to the courts and hit the ball around? - Shake the cobwebs.
- I don't know.
Let me inspire you.
Some people scoop the ice cream.
And some people just watch the ice cream being scooped.
OK, I'll try.
Off of that? - Hey, Rory, how was tennis? - Boring.
Daddy broke my nose! Oh, my God! Oh, yeah.
Daddy broke my nose.
Daddy broke my nose! I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm sorry.
The doctor said it's not even really broken.
It's just more of a hairline fracture.
They set her nose in the hall.
I got the whole thing.
The light was streaming through the bars.
It was so awesome.
It's never gonna heal.
I'm a monster.
You are not a monster.
Hello, Clarice.
Oh, my poor baby.
What did you do? He broke my nose! Well, how exactly did this happen? Let's go to the video.
In an attempt to be more of a well-rounded person, Bridget exhibits her athletic skills.
Looks like we're gonna have to wait for a court.
No, no, it's not a problem.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Hey, come here.
How long have you been waiting for this court? A couple hours.
Can I have it? - Yeah.
- OK.
See? Everything was perfect.
The lighting, the composition, the angle.
And I was looking so Kournikova.
Can you fast-forward to the part where you disfigured my baby? - Disfigured? - Honey, I don't know what happened.
We were just having a friendly game, lobbing the ball back and forth.
Here it is.
That's right.
Come here.
Uh-huh.
Got it! Wait a minute.
OK, Kurosawa said, "The true artist must never look away.
" Whoa! Mom, my life is over.
No one will ever love me.
I'm gonna die alone like Kerry.
What? Whoa! I am not an animal.
Shut up.
- Rory, are you about done? - Just about.
I am a human being.
- Peace! Peace! - All right, all right.
- Rory, go get ready for school.
- See? She is an animal.
How are you doing, Beach? Do you want some French toast? - No.
- Waffles? - No.
- A car? OK.
Morning, Mom.
Morning, Dad.
- Morning, Marcia.
- Stop filming me.
- Put the camera down.
- Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
- Kerry! - I can't.
This second act twist will make my project so much better.
"Beauty Then the Beast.
" You can film somebody else.
I'm not going to school till I'm better and don't look like someone who sits at your lunch table.
Bridget's mask may hide her face, but not her pain.
- Poor Beach.
She seems so - Sad? Yeah.
So We can let her stay home a couple days.
What's the harm? Paul And I say this from a loving place I hate the loving place.
I'm always wrong in the loving place.
What message do you think you're sending Bridget if you let her stay home? Her father loves her more than her mother.
You're sending the message that all Bridget has to offer the world are her looks.
- That the effect you wanted? - That's ridiculous.
Bridget has a lot of wonderful qualities.
It might be nice if she heard that.
Hey, girls.
Bridget? I need to talk to you for a second.
OK, but I'll warn you, it's kind of muffled.
Oh, my God.
I'm not going to school, Dad.
Honey, you know deep down nobody is gonna care what you look like.
What high school did you go to? You saw Kerry's video.
I'm shallow and get by on my looks.
I can't go to school.
A broken nose is not a good reason to miss school, to avoid life.
Bridget, you know, beauty is only skin deep.
So what if some of the kids make fun of you? But I'm not use to it, like Kerry.
- I have footage of you in that mask.
- I don't care.
- On the toilet.
- Oh, my! Kerry! - Privacy, please.
- That's what she said.
You know something? You seem to be enjoying this too much.
- So? - So, have a little compassion.
Look for Bridget's good qualities.
- Dad, my video's due in a week.
- Kerry! - Compassion.
- OK.
- Bridge, get ready for school now.
- Do I have to? Sweetheart, nobody said this is gonna be easy, but I know you can do this.
You know, of all my kids, you've always been the bravest, ever since you were babies.
- I was? - Oh, yeah.
We'd take you guys to the park and Kerry would play in the sandbox, but you would want to climb the jungle gym.
I would watch you, scared to death, and you'd scramble past kids twice your age till you were standing alone at the top.
"Look at me, look at me!" Then I'd tell the boys to stop singing that song about London and France.
I'm gonna need a really short skirt.
Atta girl.
How short? - I can't.
I can't.
Go, go.
- Do it.
Bridget, you have to face them.
You want to see them laugh to get it on tape.
I thought I did, OK? Maybe a part of me always will.
But right now I just want to be here for my sister.
You can do this, Bridgie.
- Promise? - Promise.
Come here.
OK.
And action! Hey, Dad, are you ready for some extreme tennis? - That's not funny, Rory.
- It's a little funny.
No, it's not.
She's home.
Oh, please, God.
Oh, my God, Daddy.
I had the best day ever.
You were so right.
Really? See, what did I tell you? I'm so happy! It's in the cabinet under your mother's sink.
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks a lot.
The whole premise to my film is ruined.
Look what you've done.
Come here.
Watch.
- Bridget? - What happened to you? Some stupid tennis accident.
I know, I know.
"Hello, Clarice.
" They come in the worst colors.
Hi! I missed you, I missed you, but you missed me more.
Everyone was so nice to me and all the guys wanted to sign my face.
Brandon bought me a cupcake, but I didn't want to get frosting on my mask, so he exchanged it for some pudding.
Here you go, Bridget.
Oh, thanks, Brandon.
You're so sweet.
I'm gonna like you forever as just a friend.
Cool shirt.
Can I have it? - Homework.
- Thanks, Henry.
Three.
Hi, guys.
Come on, let's go.
For we mere mortals, tomorrow is just another day, but for the Bridget Hennessys of the world, tomorrow always brings more free pudding.
- That was such a good movie.
- You know, it really was.
- Thanks to - Kerry.
- And who's her father? - Why? What have you heard? Let's just go find her.
Come on.
Oh.
- Wow, Care Bear.
Great job.
- Honey, it was terrific.
Oh, Daddy, if it weren't for you I never would have learned that - Yeah? that beauty isn't only skin deep.
Somehow I'm hot no matter what.
I'm brave and hot.
Kerry, that should be the name of your video, Brave Hot.
Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you.
- You want to know what I learned? - How to zoom? Some of those shots No matter what she does Bridget will always be treated better than anybody, and people like me will always be ignored.
So that's what it meant.
'Cause I gotta tell you, I got lost.
You know why Bridget's treated that way? Because she's fearless and she puts herself out there.
Oh yeah? I put myself out there with this Bridget video.
- I didn't get anything.
- What are you talking about? - You made a movie.
- A great movie, sweetie.
It was, it was personal, and you created something that was heartfelt and moved the audience.
You took my great idea and you ran with it.
No, Dad.
What I did was make her an even bigger star.
- Yeah, that's Bridget's sister.
- See? Hey.
Cool video.
If you want to talk to the star she's over there, center of attention.
No, I wanted to talk to you.
I really like some of those zoom shots.
Well, honey, I just wanted to show you the thing of this spot over there by the wall.
- The what? - Yeah.
Come on.
So, who are your favorite directors? Well, there's Spike Jonze Do you have the time? Do you want to go someplace and talk? - What do you know? - Yeah.
Two happy girls at the same time.
- What are the odds? - Isn't it great? Look at Bridget over there, talking to that guy.
Laughing with that guy! Leaving with that guy.
Who's that guy? Hey! Get back here! Bridget? Bridget? # Here in my hot new pants Don't you want me? You want me - # In my hot new pants - Rory! What? Just get out of your sisters' bedroom.
What's the matter with you? # These are my hot new pants # You know you like it You like it hot # You like it new # You like my hot new Paul! Yeah, just picking up the camera, honey.