800 Words (2015) s03e02 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 2

1 When life hits you with a surprise, you can either spin the wheel and change course or you learn to live with it, maybe even learn to love this new, unexpected path ahead of you.
How's Ike? Mild hypothermia, severe dehydration.
He swallowed a lot of seawater, so the risk of secondary drowning's still there.
They're keeping an eye on him.
Well, I'm surprised he survived so long.
Yeah, tell me about it.
- Any news? - No.
Obviously, there's something wrong, given the time that she's been there.
And we're her family.
And what if they cocked up the delivery? - Are we? Family, that is.
- We're the fathers of her children.
- At least, one of us is.
- Not me.
Every one of my kids, when I first looked at them, I knew, "They were mine.
" Not this time.
What do you see when you look at them, George? I see two beautiful children.
When I was a kid, I loved surprises.
The good kind.
Not the blue tongue lizard my brother left in the bottom of - my bed, - [BABY CRIES] or the ones that life just hurls at you to smack you in the face.
Got him! - I've got it.
- How long was that? - Like, two minutes.
- 12, actually.
- Bottle, Arlo.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hi, Chloe.
Come in.
- Hello.
Oh, good, someone's awake.
- Someone's always awake.
- They pretty much just tag team.
- Or, they go at the same time.
- Make that two bottles, Arlo.
- Yeah, on it.
- Wow.
You guys are good.
Are we? 'Cause we're doing a lot of not coping.
A baby spewed in Dad's mouth.
Yeah, that actually did happen.
I don't know why people say babies 'spill, because this one projected.
Oh, well, if they get enough wind behind the feed, they can power-chuck like a rugby player on his stag night.
Your girlfriend's a natural.
- Huh? - Teen mum.
- What? - I'm out.
- See ya later.
- Knock, knock.
Dad, look, another lasagne.
Oh, great.
Hi, Katie.
- You don't like lasagne? - I, uh No, it's, um, when Mum died, people brought lasagne.
Like, a lot.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
A birth, a death, it's the all-purpose comfort food.
And we love it.
We don't have much time to cook so thank you.
We appreciate it.
Come in.
This is Thing Two? Ah, Thing One and Thing Two.
No-one's really stepped up on the name front yet? Well, Billy wasn't Billy for the first three weeks of his life.
- Who was he? - Don't, Mum.
- Beau.
- Beau? Yeah, short for Beauregard, which is French and means 'beautiful' or 'handsome gaze'.
Wanna hold the baby, Beau? Ooh! Pick me.
Sweetheart.
- Hey, um, hey, let's go for a walk.
- Or, we could stay here.
Or we could go to the beach first, just for a bit.
Have a swim.
Haven't you spent enough time in the sea for one lifetime? Yeah, but haven't we spent enough time in bed? Haven't you been enjoying it? Yeah.
Yeah, I have.
But, there's a whole world out there.
- OK.
I can get behind that.
- OK.
What do people traditionally do after they get engaged? Um, they get married? No.
Well, yes.
But before the getting married part.
Engagement party! Yep, yep, yep.
Well, you could be a bit more enthusiastic.
Well, I mean, is it Is it a good time right now, though? You know, with Are people feeling the party vibe at this point in time? Well, I didn't think so.
But then A party might be just what this town needs right now.
- Don't you think? - I can't remember the last time there was an engagement party in Weld.
Oh, wait on.
Was it me and Robbie? But yours would be way better than that.
- If you decide to have one.
- You know what they say.
If there's no alcohol or karaoke to celebrate it, did it really happen? But, you know, we don't have to bow to it, the pressure.
- Not if you don't want to.
- Nah, it's not that I don't - want to - It's been disaster after disaster - around here.
It might be nice - Exactly, and we don't want to have - another one.
- Why would our engagement party - be a disaster? - No.
No, that's - that's - You think it's insensitive? Yes, insensitive.
Could be.
Could be.
You could ask George what he thinks.
He might be glad of the distraction.
Maybe.
You can take him round that lasagne I made.
Sure.
- You're really good at that.
- It's easy.
How do you Like, who taught you how to do it? My first year as a Numpty, I did work experience at Shining Tots.
- Where? - It's the day-care centre.
I loved it, actually.
Hi.
G'day, Turners.
Oh, and everyone else.
- What? - That's a lasagne, isn't it? Yeah.
Trace made it.
You were right.
Birth or death, we all express ourselves with a layered pasta dish.
Right.
Is George in? It's the without warning bit that gets you.
Maybe, if you had an inkling that something was about to change - How you going? - Hi.
- You're working.
- Yep, the one thing I can't escape is - that I've got a column to write.
- Oh, yeah.
Like death and taxes? Yeah.
Yeah, something like that.
- I'll leave you to it then, eh? - Yep.
- What is it, Woody? - Tracey wants to have this engagement party thing.
Well, no, she says she doesn't care either way, but I can tell she's only saying that because she can see that I'm not that keen.
Well, why are you not that keen? Well, it's quite a long story, um which I can share with you at another time so don't worry about it.
- Everything's alright, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Between you and Tracey? - Oh, yeah, I love her to bits, - mate, there's no questions.
- Yeah, 'cause when you find someone that you love, you've gotta you know.
Because you never know what's round the corner.
Yeah, but what if I do know what's round the corner? What if I know exactly what is - around that corner, George? - What do you mean? Don't worry about it.
I'll see ya later.
- Woody? - Forget it.
Ike? Ike! Ike! What was that about? I couldn't see you! Why would you do that, - just disappear, when you know - Hey, hey, look.
- I'm scared.
- Shush.
It's OK.
- Tangaroa's got my back.
- Who?! Tangaroa.
God of the sea.
So you don't have to worry.
You think that because you got lucky once - that you can take stupid risks! - Hey, I didn't get lucky.
Hey.
I almost lost you, forever, and I Don't do that again.
I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry.
Coo-ee! Just us, popping in.
Siouxsie's made a lasagne.
What are the odds? It's a vegan lasagne.
Last time I tried some of her vegan food, I got quite the upset tummy, just a heads up.
It's disgusting.
I'll take him if you like.
- It's OK, we're good.
- You can take this one if you like.
- Yes, please.
- There you go.
- [TURNS ON MUSIC] - Billy! I read somewhere that babies like music.
Yeah, screaming babies.
I remember this.
Billy, could we just turn it down? Sh! The noise out here is seriously enough to wake the dead.
I got her.
Sh.
You've got half of Weld out there.
It's true what they say, it takes a village to raise a child.
- Which makes me the village idiot.
- No, it doesn't.
Oh, I feel so useless, George.
Everybody doing my job for me.
Major surgery, died twice on the table, removal of spleen, you have many - very, very good excuses.
- So much for doing it all - on my own.
- Well, life doesn't always go according to plan.
You should know that by now.
Well, thank you, for letting us be here.
- I like it.
- Really? You like sleeping on the couch in your own home? Sleeping? What's that? No, I'm just kidding.
I didn't think I'd ever say this You hungry? There's some lasagne that won't - fit in the fridge.
- Thanks, but I'm OK.
OK.
I'm sorry.
You were saying? You never thought that Yeah.
I never thought Yo, George.
Are we gonna go do this thing? Thing? The thing.
Oh, right.
Um, I'm not sure what I'm meant to say.
I'm sorry that you have to do this.
I'm sorry that I'm the slapper with not two but three potential fathers.
- "Good luck" will do.
- Fingers crossed for a lucky escape.
Well, that's the thing.
I'm not sure I want to escape.
George.
- We both know that you and I - No, no, no.
I mean Look, I thought I was done with the nappies and the kids have grown up and there's no going back.
But I wasn't expecting to enjoy it, which I am.
So whatever the results of this thing, I won't mind.
Three baby daddies.
Who knew your Aunty Jan was such a ho? That's not something I want to think about.
When I'm pregnant, I'm gonna be sure.
Sure it's got a hot dad.
How, exactly, do they take blood around here? The ambo's for George.
Fiona's his ex, so she probably won't be gentle.
You guys are like some kind of club.
Of which two of us are about to be kicked out of.
Maybe.
The tests may not prove anything.
Let's get this over and done with, shall we? Righto.
You come with me.
So, may the best man win.
- Brother.
- Hey, floater.
Hey, thank you.
Hey, I heard I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, so - Glad I could help.
- Yeah, we owe you one.
Thank you, Ollie.
Thanking me as a unit.
Excellent.
What does that mean? Just glad to see you guys are back on.
You know, nothing like a near-death experience to bring people back together.
Something like that.
Jokes.
Hey, I'll see you guys round, eh? Chur.
- You're pretty good at that.
- I know.
Put your finger there.
Right.
So, I will take all these samples to the lab after this.
And depending on how busy they are, you might have a result by tomorrow afternoon.
Hopefully, you'll get some answers.
Rule out some situations.
You know, some combinations of AB and B and O blood types, some of them can mean impossible babies, so "Impossible babies.
" Sounds like the name of a band, doesn't it.
It'll happen, Fiona, for you, - one day.
- Yeah, well, Robbie got drunk and offered to make a baby with me, so - That's very generous of him.
- I said no.
Obviously.
I want a kid, but not with him.
So, yeah.
- Is that why he left? - What, he didn't get what he wanted and he bailed? Pretty much.
Well, you know, sometimes, you think you know what you want, and then life gives you the exact opposite and you realise it's actually alright.
So I should be happy being a barren spinster? - You're not a spinster.
- Or barren.
I mean, I was adamant that I'd done my time.
And now? Good luck, George.
I hope you get the answer you want.
All I'm saying is, why wouldn't they want to celebrate? Maybe they are having a party, only we're not invited.
Woody and Tracey wouldn't not invite us.
Although you did call noise control on my 40th.
I wanted to go to bed.
You two haven't heard anything, have you? - Nope.
- Nah, not me.
At this rate, I'm gonna have to wait for your engagement party.
That was exactly my reaction when I sobered up after our first night together, eh, dear? - Everything since has been a joy.
- Ignore him.
And if you hear any talk of an engagement party, you can tell me.
Sean doesn't have to come.
- Ignore them.
- Yeah, I know.
Sean and Brenda, that's just how they roll.
People here are still the weirdest people I've ever met.
Ha! Maybe that's why I fit right in.
You're, like, the sanest person here.
Nah, not anymore.
Ike, what's going on here? - Hey, you should head home.
- What? One stupid joke about us getting engaged and you've gone all dark on it? FYI, I'm not looking to catch me a man anytime soon.
I just, I need to think, OK? About what? Just go home.
Go see your dad and Jan and that.
OK? I don't want them hating on me for taking up all your time.
OK? Yeah.
Sure.
I'll see you later.
- Do I still have a job? - Yeah, course you do.
Even though you fired me.
- No, I threatened to fire you.
- But you're not going to? - No.
- Even though I've got no idea how to put a newspaper together without Gloria? We'll figure something out.
There's no rush.
Yeah, but you're still going to pay me, right? I consider it an investment in our future.
- Which is what? - Not here yet, but it will be.
Just one question.
- No, you can't have any more money.
- No, it's about Jan.
She's been asking for you.
When are you going to come and see her? I'm thinking about it.
I could DJ if you want.
At what? The engagement party, of course.
- Oh, are you serious? - Yeah.
Do you have experience in DJ-ing? I've got a great collection of cassettes.
I'd just need - something to play them on.
- Bill, leave them alone, please.
- But - No.
Now, I have an idea how you can stop people hassling you to have a party.
Have a party.
Or, here is an even more genius idea.
I will have one for you.
Only I won't tell you where or when because it will be a surprise party.
No-one is going to say a single word more to you if they think it's a surprise.
You are not just a pretty face.
When are you thinking? Ahh, well, that is for me to know and for you to act surprised.
- We can do that.
Can't we? - Yeah.
Great.
Now, just enjoy the serenity of no-one hassling you.
This is great, Woody.
A really good solution.
Yeah, really good.
Corker.
So, are you hoping for a 'yes' or a 'no'? - Huh? - Thing One and Thing Two, our maybe brothers? - Whatever Dad wants, I guess.
- Yeah, I don't really mind.
Yeah, and you'll have your own little Lindsay Junior - to play with soon.
- Don't say that.
- Calm down.
- No, it's just, if it's a joke, it's lame.
Oh, my god.
She's actually got you - worried, hasn't she? - No.
No.
- I'm not worried.
- Maybe you should be.
What else is she going to do with her life? Right, and what are you doing with your life, again? Apart from playing Ross and Rachel from 'Friends' with Ike.
That's harsh.
And weird.
And old.
Man, you and Lindsay should so go off and have babies together.
OK, so, what, you and Ike have been together nine, ten minutes now? So it's probably time you break up again.
You know that even though she wants to breed, Lindsay is still - totally wrong for you, right? - OK, while you two are sharing the love, or whatever it is you're doing, what's happening with the - The babies, they're fine.
- All under control, Dad.
Good.
Drama queen.
So under her thumb.
Um I'm not treading on your toes, am I? Twin babies in the house.
I'll accept any offer of help.
Good.
Good.
Ta.
You know, I'm loving this.
Every second of it.
And I'm just kicking myself that I've left my run too late.
How do you mean? I just wish I'd had the guts to leave my wife.
If I had when Jan wanted me to, she wouldn't have come here, to you, to Zac.
Yeah, well, things were very messy back then.
Then there'd be no question.
I'd be the dad.
I'd be with Jan.
We'd be a family.
And I'd be the happiest man in the world.
- Have you told her this? - No, I can't.
I can't.
She's sick, she's gotta get better.
Yeah, well, things will be a lot clearer once the results are back.
Yeah, well, they've told us it might not prove anything.
Yeah, but we have, and it means that at least one of us - will be the father.
- But I don't care.
I don't care about the biology.
Those little boys are Jan's boys.
That's all that matters.
You love her.
Alright.
Cards on the table.
If they are yours, or Zac's, I'm still willing to support them.
How about you? Is she receiving visitors? Good, you're awake.
Well, about time.
You're looking well.
Considering.
Did you hear I died twice on the table? - How cool is that, huh? - And White lights? Choirs of angels? No fire and brimstone, either.
Whatever brimstone is.
I probably deserve a bit of brimstone.
Why would you say that? I'm the girl who doesn't know who the father of her babies is.
Well, it's not ideal, but you'll find out.
Jan, I owe you an apology.
For what? Before your waters broke, before all the drama, what I said.
- You don't have to - No, no, I do.
I've been beating myself up about it.
You see, I thought you were a damsel in distress and, well, I've always been kind of attracted to distressed damsels.
Uh-huh.
But I was wrong.
You're a strong, modern, independent woman and you want to raise those babies on your own, and that's just what you'll do.
Once you're back on your feet.
I don't feel especially strong, or independent.
Well, give yourself time.
You've been through hell.
I just It's easy to make those sweeping statements when you have no idea what life will be like with two helpless, tiny human beings.
How will I manage, when it's just me? So, are you saying What, you want me to What? Oh! No, no, no, no.
Oh, god, I'm sorry.
I'm making things worse, aren't I? Just, you see, the thing is, I've actually realised that I don't want to do it on my own.
And that I want to do it with someone.
Someone in particular.
One of the, um, candidates? But, you know, it didn't work out before before there were babies in the mix.
So Well babies have a strange way of changing everything.
They do.
I'm a mum now.
Time to grow up.
She's in good spirits.
She is.
You won't be needing parental leave, will you? I should warn you, it's not paid in this country.
Not for fathers.
I'm not 100% sure I'm a father again, anyway.
Not yet.
Neither am I.
Of course.
Yeah.
I'll take her some dinner.
Just quietly, I think the lady wants it to be you.
What makes you say that? Well, I can read between the lines, George.
Good luck.
Life is full of surprises, waiting around almost every corner to accost the unsuspecting.
Like the bloke who'd done the baby thing, was glad to be rid of the nappy thing, the crying thing, the sleepless nights thing.
[BABY CRYING] Sh, sh.
And yet, found himself, surprisingly There you go.
Still got it.
Still the man.
.
.
happy.
OK.
Don't laugh.
OK, stop.
Here we go.
And one, two, three.
Whoa! Oh, my god, you guys.
What a surprise! That's a real surprise.
- I can't.
I can't do it.
- That was terrible.
We can do better than that.
What? I love you, Tracey.
Aw.
Well, that's lucky, considering we're getting married and all.
So gather up your tired eyes And hide away your weary sighs The tremors underground are Starting to surround us So get all of your footsteps on And scatter them across the lawn I'll keep you always close - But you have to know - How friggin' cute is that? Should we, like, move him? The baby, I mean, not Dad.
[BABY CRIES] - Have they been fed? - What? Yeah.
I wasn't asleep.
I was just You're getting pretty good at that, Lindsay.
Thanks.
I'm just glad there's something I'm good at.
So carrying your grandma's hope She'd say, "You're gorgeous" I know that this is never easy, oh, no No, this is never easy So hold on 'Cause all is just not lost Every smile is a small sun It's just a shake in the ground They're just fault lines They're just hard times Just try to keep your feet on the ground Just gotta get your head out of the clouds.
Hi.
Hi.
Meet Thing Two.
Hello, Thing Two.
Look, I'm not gonna stay.
I just brought You know, they're from the lab, so, - I'll pop it there.
- Yeah.
It suits ya.
Old hand, I guess.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm party-planning, so.
Was that Fiona? Yeah.
With the envelope.
- OK.
- I'll round up the usual suspects, I suppose.
[PHONE BEEPS] With what? - - Oh, my god.
Um I think that Well, Zac, your blood type is AB.
Like mine.
AB.
That's helpful.
Well, it is, actually.
Because, Steve, your blood type is B.
And the babies are O, just like their mum.
What? What does that mean? B and O can make O, but not AB and O.
That means it's you, Steve.
I wanted it to be you.
No offence taken, eh, George? Not at all.
Yes! I'm a dad! I'm actually a dad! I love you.
And I, despite everything, I love you, too.
So that works.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Can you believe it? I've always wanted this.
- Really? - Yes! I never would've guessed.
Well, happy reunion, eh? Yeah.
Yeah, good result for Jan.
And Steve.
- Yeah.
Him, too.
- You alright, mate? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
[PHONE RINGS] - Hello? - Hey, Tracey, I hope you two have got a moment to spare because I have got a beautiful little two-beddy cottage that's perfect for you.
Actually, Monty, we're not really in the market for a Sure, Monty.
You can show - us a two-bedroom cottage.
- Great.
Pick you up in ten? - Yes, you can pick us up in ten.
- I think you're gonna love this.
It is perfect for a newlywed couple.
Why do we wanna go and have a look at a house for? - What's wrong with this place? - It's an excuse.
This'll be the surprise.
God, how gullible do they think we are? Ahh.
OK.
Two bedrooms, one bathroom.
Okey-dokey.
Pretty spacious.
Wa-hey - There's a car coming! - Ooh! Hide! OK, OK, not everyone can hide behind the counter! How's Gloria? - OK.
- That's good.
Did I tell you that I think I want to be a cop? They're coming.
Surprise! Thank you.
Much appreciated.
- Bless.
- Bill! You said tell you when a car pulls up.
Monty's car, not any car! Use your common sense! You guys don't mind if we just stop here for a tick, do you? It's to drop some flyers.
Sure, Monty.
We can stop off at the surf club.
Great, 'cause I'm not coming back this way again, so Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's all good, mate.
Great, won't be a tick.
- [PHONE RINGS] - Monty MacNamara, MacNamara Realty.
- Where are you? - At the Surf Club, why? You were meant to be bringing Tracey and Woody to the surprise party! - Was I? - Yes! You need to show them a house.
You need to show them a house.
Well, a newlywed couple would probably need more space.
Excellent.
You can say that to them.
I'd like to think I know how to do my job, Fiona.
Oh! I thought you wanted me to actually show them - a house on the way to the party.
- Dad! - Well, why didn't you just say? - Just get to the Boat Club! Hurry up! Come on, no time to waste.
Kia ora.
This is Ike.
Leave a message.
- They here yet? - No.
The results are back.
You're not a big sister.
- Well, except for Arlo.
- Are you OK? Sure.
Yeah, for five minutes there, I thought it would be nice to, you know, watch them grow up, but - never mind.
We should get in there.
- You go.
I'll catch up later.
You OK? Sure.
All good.
Surprise! Oh, for heaven's sake, it's just George.
Bill, do you not know what Monty's car looks like? Not really, Dad.
I'm not really a car person.
- That's not very manly of you, Dad.
- Well? Not me.
It's Steve.
- Oh.
- Oi! Look who I found outside.
[HALF-HEARTED] Surprise! - Wow! What a wonderful surprise.
- Yeah.
No, we had no idea this was happening.
Aw, that's lovely.
And who says you can't keep a secret in Weld? The party can go on as late as you like.
I pulled a few strings and there won't be any noise control round here tonight.
That's very thoughtful of you, Sean.
It's a nice one.
Mind you, not that we have a publication to publish it in.
It'll find a home, don't you worry.
Zac told me about the blood results.
You OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
I thought you were enjoying the whole dad thing.
I was, actually.
Took me by surprise.
I guess the universe is telling me that that ship has sailed.
Well, if your kids are anything to go by, you sailed very well.
Not a shipwreck in sight.
Yet.
Ike? Hey.
So, the party? Sorry.
Sorry, I forgot.
Ike, what's wrong? And don't say there's nothing - 'cause there is.
Is it me? - No, - Have I done something wrong? - No, no.
No, look, it's not you.
It's not you.
Look, you've been amazing.
OK? Then what? It's really difficult to explain.
Can you at least try? Look, when I was out there, you know, floating around, there were, um - There were people with me.
- I don't I know you're not going to get it, OK? But, the thing was, I wasn't alone.
What, were there were mermaids? - See, I knew you wouldn't get it.
- I'm sorry.
I'll try to understand.
No, please don't.
I don't need you to, 'cause this is my thing.
OK? Me and Tangaroa.
Maori god of the sea.
See? I can understand.
Shay.
Please, I need to be alone.
OK.
I'll come back after the party.
No, I mean I mean properly alone.
I just need to figure out some stuff and I need to do that by myself, OK? You're breaking up with me? Shouldn't have even got back together in the first place.
But I realised, out of all this, that I I love you.
And I love you, too.
- Then what is the problem here? - I can't be with you, OK? With what's going on in my head, I just need to be alone, to sort it out.
I'm sorry.
Baby, take me by my hand I'll lead you to the Promised Land You've got to know! - You're up.
You're out.
- I know.
- There's a whole wide world out here.
- Yeah.
Where are the little guys? They're at home, with their dad.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I just like saying it, that's he's their Anyway, you OK with all this? What, that my friend, who almost died ten days ago, is happy and in love? Course I'm OK with it.
I am.
Happy.
And in love.
Both those things.
We're going back to Sydney, as soon as we've got passports for Harry and Arthur.
- Arthur? - Family name.
Steve's family.
You have been so, so amazing.
Thank you.
Of course you're going back to Sydney.
It's your home.
It is.
One of the two I seem to have.
I think your dad's kinda gutted it wasn't him.
Yeah.
Just a bit, though.
It was cool, though.
It made me realise what I wanna do - with my life.
- OK, I don't want a baby! What? - Ew.
Neither do I.
- You don't? I want to be a day-care teacher, Arlo.
Take a proper early childhood education course.
I think I'd be good at it.
Yeah.
I think you would, too.
- No, you have to say something.
- But I wasn't planning on it, - Big Mac.
- No, no, no, just speak from the heart, Woody.
- Speech! - I'll kill the music.
OK.
Right.
This isn't really my Speeches aren't really my thing.
Where's George? George do you wanna come up? You're a man of words.
No, it's all yours, mate.
Thanks, mate.
Um, OK.
I wanna say thanks to Fiona for organising this surprising surprise party.
Thank you.
And thanks to Monty for delivering us here, eventually.
And just, thanks to all of you guys for coming.
It means a lot to us, so thanks.
And, uh, I wanna say thanks to the woman that I love.
- Tracey Dennis.
- Yow! I have adored Trace for the longest time.
And when I finally realised that she didn't mind me too much, either, actually she quite liked me, well, that just I mean, that just made everything, and I mean everything, different.
The sun got brighter.
Surfing got a whole lot neater.
The bird song, you know, it got heaps birdier.
'Cause when you love someone you just suddenly realise that you're looking at the world with two pairs of eyes.
Not just one.
And you want what they want.
And you know that there's another person in the planet that just knows you, just inside out.
That's a bloody good feeling, that.
It's a really good feeling, Trace.
So why wouldn't you want to hold onto that for the rest of your life? Not a bad speech.
Ending was a little abrupt.
- I've got it.
- Tell him to come back.
- What're you doing? - Well, I was gonna get in my van and get the hell out of here.
And then I realised, well, I can't really do that.
- Good! - Yeah, 'cause I don't have my van with me, George.
I came with Monty.
Actually, can you give me a lift? - Help you do a runner? - Yeah, come on, let's go.
Why would I want to do that? Why would you want to do that? Because I've stuffed up, mate! OK? I can't marry her.
What? No, I don't believe it.
After all the stuff you said in there, you're telling me you're getting a case of cold feet? No, no, no, my feet are good, mate.
OK? And I love her.
I love her more than anything, but I cannot marry her - Woody! - On account of the fact that I'm already married.
Yeah.
I'm already married, mate.
Bit of a bugger, that.
- Will you marry me? - Yes.
It gets complicated.
I forgot, when I was livin' in Australia I was alraedy married.
VOICE-OVER: To get out of this one It's just a matter of findin' her and just gettin' a quickie divorce.
- Without Tracey finding out? - Ideally, yeah.
VOICE-OVER: he'll need the help of the entire town.
- Tell her.
- No! - This is a fellowship.
- Like 'Lord of the Rings'.
Except without the wargs and so forth.
VOICE-OVER: But finding his ex will take him somewhere unexpected.
- Yeah, g'day.
- Uh There's a complication, I'm afraid.
VOICE-OVER: Is it really over? New, 800 Words, next Tuesday.