9JKL (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 Would you look at this gorgeous baby? Ah, I just want to eat him and squeeze him and chew on his squishy, little tushy.
What are you guys doing? Oh, pretend we're not here.
We just want to watch.
Okay.
We've been waiting 12 years for you to leave L.
A.
and move back to New York.
Did you see what we put up on the wall? Yes.
Amazingly, I did manage to catch that.
Detective Mike Cross.
You were the best thing on television.
- How was the flight? - Are you hungry? - Thirsty? Cold? - Hot? I'm good, I'm good.
Again, and I can't stress this enough, I'm only staying here temporarily.
Ah, we'll see.
You're exactly where you should be.
Surrounded by your loving family in the apartment we kept because we knew one day you'd get divorced from that cold woman who didn't know a good thing.
Hey, look who fell off the poster! - Hey! - Hey! "A prenup? I don't need a prenup.
This marriage is gonna last forever.
" Hello, Andrew.
Now she's got your house, your money, and you're living next to your parents like a ten-year-old.
You are also living next to our parents like a ten-year-old.
Just until the renovations on our sweet new duplex are done.
It's gonna be sick.
TVs and heated toilets in every bathroom.
Do the toilets have that water that shoots up? You know, if you aim just right, it gives your business a tszuj.
Oh, my God.
Yay! Welcome home, Uncle Josh.
- Hey, Eve! - EVE: Say hi.
- What's up, Wyatt? - Say hi.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Hi.
Eve, are you laying the baby on his side? I don't want him to have one of those flat heads like the boy in 8C.
His head is fine, Judy.
Did you ask a pediatrician? Yes, me.
I asked myself, because, as you know, I am a pediatrician.
Susan Stein told me you got a 4.
8 out of 5 rating on Yelp.
What happened to the point two? HARRY: Do pediatricians know anything about baby toes? Because mine look strange.
(gasps) Oh, God.
What, does his toe look bad? I don't know.
His balls were in the way.
Okay, if you guys don't leave, you're all gonna see mine.
Everybody out.
I need to get dressed.
- Nice.
- Good-bye.
Good-bye.
- Baby.
- Oh, there's Grandpa.
So, tell me.
You, too, Ma.
Oh, please.
I gave birth to you.
Those little balls have been inside me.
It's good to be home.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? There he is.
Welcome back, Josh.
Hey, Nick, what's going on? Question.
Uh, you know Pattie DeFina in 8K? Yeah, she and her husband are just below me.
Yeah, well, last week, she was just below me.
Okay, Nick, you know how sometimes people assume a familiarity they haven't yet earned? Aw, man, tell me about it.
My cousin has a stomach thing, and every time I see him, he's like, "Hey, yo, Nick, I got the runs again.
" Yup, you got it.
You get what I mean.
Oh, uh, Josh, this is my man Ian in 5A.
- Oh, hey, Ian.
- Ian, you now live in the same building as a real, live TV star.
- Well, you know - I don't watch TV.
I prefer film.
Got any movies coming out? Uh, not at the moment, no.
My plan is to get back into theater, you know? That's kind of why I moved back to New York.
Oh, I heard it was because you lost all your money in the divorce and you're staying with your parents for free.
You live with your parents? - Not with, next to.
- Same thing.
No, it's not.
It's not the same thing at all.
All right, guy, cool.
You live next to your parents.
And don't you forget it.
(elevator bell dings) Hi, Joshy.
I got your favorite black and white cookies.
Want to come in for a visit? Ah, I don't know, Ma.
I have to unpack and I've been waiting 12 years.
All right, yeah, just for a little.
Oh, and then I ran into Lynn Howard.
David's company went public, but you were always in the higher math group, so you win.
Yay.
Judy, what did you do with the number for the podiatrist? I hid it in the freezer just to torture you.
I have no idea.
Oh, and Helen's daughter Marci is single.
Ma.
What? You picked the first one.
Now it's my turn.
And I'm out.
Good-bye.
Josh, I need a favor.
I had an idea to promote the firm's estate planning business.
We're gonna make a viral video.
Dad, you can't make a viral video.
It just kind of goes viral or it doesn't.
Well, this one does.
No, you don't oh, okay.
And-and it would be terrific if you starred in it.
Aw, Dad, I-I'd love to, but I'm really busy.
What are you so busy with? Well, I have scripts to read.
I'm meeting with theater agents.
No problem.
Forget I asked.
(sighs) I'll do it.
You're not doing it.
- No, I want to do it.
- I don't want you to do it.
Please, Dad, let me be in this viral video for you.
Okay.
If it means that much to you.
Thank you so much.
The word is "no.
" Say it with me.
No.
Okay, I am perfectly capable of saying no to them.
No way, it's the blind cop.
Hey, man, how you doing? "I got 'em, Chief, I got 'em!" (laughs) That show sucked.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
Josh.
Ugh, what is with you people? Blind Cop sucked.
We all know it suck No, no, no, Andrew, this is Christina Jones.
- We went to Michigan together.
Hi.
- Hi.
This is crazy.
I didn't know you were in the city.
Yeah.
I, uh, I'm gonna let you guys catch up.
I got to head back to the hospital.
Surgeon.
How have you been, Josh? Uh, well, I got divorced and my show got canceled.
Two things which sound really bad but could maybe be good.
How about you? Uh, well, I just went through a breakup myself.
Yes.
Yes, that must've been hard.
Yes.
Well, it was for the best.
His parents were a nightmare.
So overbearing.
Huh.
I cannot relate to that at all.
What up, fellas? Things are looking up for the kid.
Why? Did you get an audition? No, I did not, but I did get a date with Christina Jones.
- NICK: Hey.
- That's not gonna pay the bills.
Ha.
Got him.
My friend, Billy's father, is producing Paul Feig's follow-up to Bridesmaids.
It's called Groomies.
Has some problems in the second act, but they'll find it.
You should ask your agent about the role of doctor.
Get that Blind Cop stink off you.
Thank you, Ian, but I don't need career advice from a 12-year-old.
It's called Groomies.
The role of the doctor.
Yeah, Danny, I know it'd be a great job for me to get.
That's why I'm calling you, my agent, to tell you about it.
Okay.
Thank you.
(sighs) Hi, Joshy.
How? How do you always know? We used to be one body.
Yeah, so, any word on the Paul Feig audition? They don't believe I could play a doctor? I look like every doctor I've ever been to.
All right, well, thanks for checking.
HARRY: Josh.
Sure.
Why wouldn't you be here? Costco closet.
Ah.
It just so happens my classmate from law school, Eddie Aberman, represented Paul Feig's cousin, - Barry, in his IRS audit.
- Ah.
Should I ask Eddie to fix up a meeting for you and Paul? Dad, one of the biggest comedy directors in Hollywood is not gonna meet with me because of his cousin's connection to Eddie Aberman.
Do we have ketchup? Do we have ketchup? Oh.
Yeah.
Mm.
You look nice.
Well, that's because he's costarring in my firm's video.
He practically begged me to be in it.
(Josh groans) I forgot about that stupid video.
I'm dressed up because I have a date tonight.
Ooh, that girl from the park who was checking me out? Don't tell Mom and Dad; they'll want to meet her and feed her and ask her about her ability to have children.
Obviously.
Wait, so let me get this straight.
First date in eight years or Dad's sad video.
Oh, boy, that's a tough one.
I can do both.
How long can the video take? Viral video, take 42.
- Okay, okay, I got it this time.
- Good, good, good, good.
My father's death was so sudden, and I'm overwhelmed by all the decisions I have to make.
Well, luckily, your father was ready for just this moment and hired Singer Sterling to prepare the documents.
Nailed it! Perfect! No notes.
Can't beat it! - Yeah, felt good.
- It was good! Got to go, Dad! Acting's not hard.
(phone rings) - Hello? - MOLLY: Josh, this is Molly, Andrew and Eve's babysitter.
You need to come home.
Oh, my God, did something happen to the baby? (crying): I don't know.
It's in the other room.
But I'm having a crisis.
My boyfriend just hooked up with my best friend.
And Andrew and Eve aren't answering their phones.
Well, I'm barely gonna make my date as it is.
Go get my mother.
But don't mention the date.
Your mother's not home.
You have ten minutes.
No, I'm sorry, but no, this is not my problem! Hey.
Sorry I'm a little late.
- You look incredible.
- Thanks.
You have a baby.
Oh.
He's for you.
Flowers are so cliché.
(both laugh) This is my nephew, Wyatt.
Babysitting snafu.
My brother and sister-in-law should be here any second.
He's cute.
Good thing, too, because he is very self-absorbed.
- Really? - Me, me, me, me, me.
Hey.
Sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Sorry.
Thank you, Josh.
- Yeah.
You're our hero.
Actually, I'm the hero.
I crushed that escape room.
EVE: Yeah, we got all the clues.
The other couples got none.
Chiropractors are so stupid.
Right? Why'd you bring a baby on a date? It's, like, the opposite of foreplay.
It's pronounced "thank you.
" And what are you doing? Oh, sorry.
Eve, sit.
No.
Don't sit, don't sit.
Leave.
Okay.
You know, you guys make a cute couple.
I hope it works out.
Aw, thank you so much.
- You got to go.
You got to.
- Okay.
Nice meeting you.
Sorry about that.
Yeah.
I love you so much.
(Josh and Christina laugh) If college me knew I was on a date with Christina Jones I mean, oh, my God, I had the biggest crush on you.
I had the biggest crush on you.
- You did? - I did.
Well, that is information I wish college me had had.
(chuckles) Mm.
- So - So? Should we maybe get out of here? We should definitely get out of here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where do you live? My ex got our place, so I'm on a friend's sofa.
Should we go to your place? Ah.
My place.
Uh, yeah, we could go to my place.
Unless would your ex let us use his place? No? Okay, yeah, my place is great.
Great.
- After you.
- Thank you.
Oh, my damn.
Uh Welcome to East End Place.
I'm the captain of this fair establishment, so if you need anything, I mean anything at all, just holla.
'Kay.
Thanks, Nick, but I don't think she's having a package delivered tonight.
Believe in yourself, man.
- Easy, Nick.
- (elevator bell dings) Yes, Mrs.
Roberts? Yeah, he's on his way up.
Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah! - What are you doing? - Telling your mother you're home.
Why? 'Cause of the money she gives me to tell her when you're home.
My mother pays you to tell her every time I come home? - NICK: Well, yeah - Everything okay? Yeah.
Totally.
Um, so that is when the building people should come up to fix the thing by the thing.
And away we go! So, I just have to run in and say a quick hello to my elderly neighbor.
Why don't you meet me in 9K.
There is wine in the fridge.
Babies, old people you're such a good guy.
Well, you know, I do what I can.
(laughs) Oh! Let's do this.
(laughs) I got some of your favorite - Cheese? Yum! - Uh-huh.
So, who'd you run into today? Harriet? Sarah? Susan? Emily? Uh, yes, Emily Brown.
Her son Jonathan is the youngest circuit court judge Court judge ever but I beat him in that mock trial in eighth grade, so I win! Mmm! Delicious.
Love that cheese.
All right, well, great visit.
I'm exhausted.
Going to bed.
Hi.
So sorry about that.
Is there a lot of crime in this building? Yes.
Mostly stolen moments.
- So - So (doorbell ringing) JUDY: Josh! That's just my elderly neighbor.
Probably lost her teeth again.
She'll find 'em.
(doorbell ringing repeatedly) You know what? If we stay quiet, maybe she'll go away.
Joshua Oh! What? What's going on?! You know, perhaps I don't quite understand your relationship with your neighbor.
- Yeah.
Um - JUDY: Joshua? Why don't you go check out the terrace - Joshua? - while I get rid of her.
Beautiful view, especially at night.
- We had our moment.
- Oh! Thank God you're okay! Of course I'm okay.
I was in your apartment ten seconds ago.
First, I don't like your tone.
And second, I forgot to give you this.
That actor you always go up against got a terrible review in his new play.
Okay, thank you so much.
Really appreciate it.
- Good night.
- You know my friend Mindy? - Good night, good night, good night! - She Good night! Oh! It's really beautiful out here.
Yeah, it really is.
HARRY: Can you hear me now? Hello, children.
I'll call you back.
I will call you back.
And that's the terrace.
Come back in.
Hello.
I'm Harold, Josh's Neighbor! Hey, neighbor Harold.
Have a good one.
Young lady, have you ever had a gorgeous piece of honeydew melon? I-I've had melon that looked good.
Don't know if I would say "gorgeous," but Well, this is a gorgeous piece of honeydew melon.
Harold, no! Why?! Oh! I am so sorry.
Um, maybe you could make us some stronger drinks? There is a jar of 2,000 olives in the closet.
What are you doing? You never come out on the terrace.
Why are you on the terrace? I'm trying to get reception.
How was I supposed to know that you were out here giving some girl a wowee? - Mommy said you went to sleep.
- (baby crying) Okay, can you not call her "Mommy"? And what if she didn't like melon? Then she's not the girl for you.
What are you morons screaming about? You're gonna wake the baby.
How's the date going? - Not great.
- Relax.
You're just nervous 'cause you haven't gotten laid in ten months.
It's been ten months since you've had intercourse? Thank you.
I mean, Mommy and I aren't like we used to be, but we still do it on Valentine's Day.
- And on both your birthdays.
- Don't, please! Ever since I had that varicose vein removed from my testicle, I produce a lot more semen.
- Make it stop! - Oh, my always about the testicle.
Well, it's very exciting that intercourse is on the table.
You need me to make a condom run? All I need is privacy.
And don't tell Mommy Mom.
- We call her Mom.
- Okay.
Go.
Have some nice sex, son.
Thank you.
Sorry about that.
So, um where were we? JUDY (outside): A girl? My son lied to me? - Son? - Yes.
I, uh, I told her she could call me her son because, well you're gonna love this I am her son.
ANDREW: Ma, what are you screaming about?! - Who is that? - My brother.
He, Eve and the baby live on the other side.
I'm sorry, it's just I really like you a lot, and my living situation isn't exactly a turn-on.
Unless it is.
- It's not.
- No, it's not.
I know it's not.
I know it's not.
But it's not a big deal.
So you live next to your family.
Yeah, right.
No biggie.
You know what, let's just pretend they're not there.
HARRY: Judy, are you aware that Josh hasn't had intercourse in ten months? Could you excuse me for just, like, one second? No, because I wasn't there What is wrong with you people? This is my first date since the divorce, and you're ruining it with your loudness and your horrible babysitter and your testicle! It's doing fine, God forbid anyone should ask.
I am a grown man.
I need space.
We give you space.
You pay the doorman to tell you every time I come up in the elevator.
You pay the doorman to tell you every time Josh comes up in the elevator? Insane, right? Why don't you pay him to tell you every time I come up in the elevator? You don't like to visit with me.
Neither do I! So, I'm gonna go.
I am so sorry.
Can I call you tomorrow? - Oh, that ship has sailed.
- She's not gonna call you back.
You got to read the room.
Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! - I require a modicum of respect! - (phone ringing) Hello? You always had such a great vocabulary, Josh.
And I saved three lives this week.
Remember when you won the fifth grade spelling bee? Like, they were dead, and then I made them not dead.
Okay, thanks.
That was Eddie Aberman.
He spoke to Barry Feig.
His cousin, the director Paul Feig, will meet you if you can get to his hotel in SoHo within 20 minutes! What? Are you serious? That's amazing and horrible.
It's all the way downtown.
I'll never make it.
Oh, you'll make it.
Judy, get my pants! Absolutely.
(gentle piano music playing) Hi, Mr.
Feig.
I'm The blind cop.
- Oh, you've seen the show.
- Yeah.
Mr.
Feig, I am such a huge fan.
I mean, Bridesmaids is, like, a perfect comedy.
I know it's a long shot, but if there's any way I could read for the role of the doctor - in your new movie - There's no way.
- No way.
- No way.
- No way? Got it.
- Zero way.
- Okay.
- I already gave the part to Steve Carell.
- Right, right.
- But you, Josh, I mean, you were a great blind cop.
All right, well, uh, it was an honor to meet you.
Um actually, there is the role of the klutzy band leader.
It's not a lot of lines, but I'll take it.
All right.
- Okay, great.
- I'm leading the band.
- You sure are.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Mr.
Feig.
ANDREW: All right.
Oh My baby's in a Paul Feig movie! Congratulations, buddy.
Don't forget to write Eddie Aberman a nice thank you note.
Yes, I will.
And you know, Morty, from the racquet club, is married to Martin Scorsese's niece's orthodontist.
Oh.
Would you like to be in a Scorsese film? Yes.
That'd be great, Dad.
So let's go home and celebrate.
Okay, sure.
I-I just, uh I want to say something first.
This has been the toughest year of my life, with the divorce and the show, and I just I'm very lucky.
You guys are always there for me.
And we always will be.
Always.
I know.
Thank you.
(slowly): Always.
Box seats, Knicks/Warriors, tonight.
For me? For real? If you stop telling my mother when I'm coming up.
(scoffs) Done, son! - All right.
- (elevator bell chimes) (sighs) (quietly): I'm home.
(sighs) - There he is.
- Hi, Joshy.
Hi.
Why are you in here? Costco run.
Is that a gorgeous barrel of cashews? Helen's daughter Marci is expecting your call.
I already dialed the first nine numbers.
Don't mind me, just came to get my breast milk from your fridge.
Why is your breast milk in my fridge? And please tell me it's not the cream in the little glass bottle that I've been using in my coffee.
Okay.
Oh, look what I found in the Dumpster.
HARRY: Dumpster? How did it get there? I don't know, it must have wandered off, being all blind.
Guys, guys, guys, if this is gonna work, we must establish some ground rules.
I understand.
Good.
But no.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home?