9JKL (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

Nanny Wars

1 So, how was your date last night? I would say my date was the opposite of good.
Oh, these are my favorite stories.
Was it worse than the girl who stole your wallet? Or the one who was older than me? Oh.
Or the hot woman who catfished you but turned out to be your super cool brother messing with you? (JOSH CHUCKLES) You're a doctor.
Shouldn't you be saving lives instead of messing with them? I can do both.
Well, this girl spent the entire night on the phone with her ex-boyfriend, who, by the end of our date, was no longer her ex-boyfriend.
Aw, they worked things out.
Yeah.
Josh, hang in there.
You may go on a lot of bad dates, but one day, when you least expect it, you'll decide to give up and settle.
Guys, best news ever! The nanny said yes.
Sara? Sara picked us over all the other families? Yes.
Do you know what this means, Andrew? We are gonna be able to go see a movie.
In the theater.
(CHUCKLES) After two months of looking, starting tomorrow, we have a full-time nanny.
Well, I don't know what you need with a nanny when you have the world's greatest grandmother who's happy to keep watching the baby for free.
Judy, I think we both know the emotional cost here is high.
Okay, 7:00.
Time for my shows.
Everybody out.
60 Minutes is starting, and I don't want to miss any of the minutes.
And the Discovery Channel is having a marathon of Naked and Afraid.
They're naked.
They're afraid.
I'm hooked.
Why won't you guys just get a DVR? Yeah.
You're, like, the last two people on Earth - who still watch TV in real time.
- Yeah.
Guys, don't try to impose your modern ways on the Amish.
Get out! You just made me miss two of the minutes.
Oh, my God.
Our place has never looked so clean.
I don't even see any of Wyatt's stuff.
Yeah.
No toys.
No burp cloths.
It's super quiet in here.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? The nanny kidnapped our baby? She's the best thing that ever happened to us.
Oh, my God.
She made us dinner.
What? (GASPS) (VOICE BREAKS): Risotto.
Are you crying? I think the bigger question is: why aren't you? - Hey, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Welcome home.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- The little man's been fed and bathed, and he's all ready for bed.
Thank you.
Mm.
(CHUCKLES) Is there anything else you guys need? Just a rope to tie you up with so you can never leave.
(CHUCKLES) She's kidding.
You're scaring her.
Okay.
Well, we had a great first day, right? Good night, little cutie patootie.
(GASPS) Look at you, all snug as a bug in a rug.
Huh? (CHUCKLES) I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Okay.
- I'll miss you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Josh.
Sara.
Ah, the wonder nanny.
I hear you do a mean "Wheels on the Bus.
" Well, you know, they do go round and round.
(LAUGHS) Still? Boy, they're really committed to that, aren't they? (LAUGHS) I'll see you later.
Okay.
Bye.
That's your nanny? Is she single? - Don't even think about it.
- Never happening.
Josh, I'm gonna say something to you, and I want you to nod so I know you understand.
You are not going to date our nanny.
"I understand.
" All right.
All right.
She's really cute.
- She is really off-limits.
- Why? Because it would blur a lot of lines and make things weird.
Yeah, like the time I saw my therapist rollerblading shirtless in Central Park.
You see a therapist? They're my parents, too.
Huh.
All right.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (DOOR OPENS) - Hello.
- Mom and Dad, I have a huge surprise.
(GASPS) Wyatt looked at a picture of me and said "Mommy"? No.
I bought you a new TV.
Is that a new TV? Yes, I just said that.
Where is our old TV? I donated it to the Natural History Museum.
Neanderthal man is watching it in a diorama.
Why would you do this to us? What, uh, this incredibly nice gift? We told you we like our old system.
Just trust me, you're gonna like this more.
Okay? Here are your new remotes.
Oh, my God! Two? There are two of them? Judy, I don't like it.
No, we don't want any of this.
Change is a young man's game.
Just give it a chance, okay? With this system, you can watch any show anytime.
Any show? Anytime? I just said both of those things.
All you need to do is sign up for a streaming service and pay the monthly fee.
(LAUGHS): Oh, a monthly fee.
Well, that's not a gift.
That's a burden.
Absolutely.
An expensive burden.
I didn't even tell you how much it costs.
Why would you assume it's expensive? What if it's a nickel a month? - Is it a nickel a month? - No.
Nothing is a nickel a month.
I was making a point.
It's It is ten bucks.
Per month? Every month? That's considerably more than a nickel.
I will pay for it.
I will pay for it.
I will sign you up, and I will pay for it.
You watch your tone, mister.
He stole our perfectly good TV, he gave us a gift we have to pay for, - and now he's yelling at us.
- You know what? I'm gonna remove myself from this situation so we don't have a repeat of the time I tried to teach you how to use your fax machine.
Oh, you mean when you threw it over the balcony and almost killed someone? No, that was a microwave! So, who's gonna teach us to work this complicated TV? Don't worry.
I got a guy.
All right, all right.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Roberts, put on your old-timey swimsuits, 'cause we going channel surfing.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - Hey.
- Hey.
Every time a door opens, there you are.
(LAUGHS) Well, you know what they say: when one door closes, there's Josh.
- Actually, no one says that.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Anyway, I should probably Oh, okay.
Uh, missed it.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something.
Yeah, like, "This is your nephew's nanny.
" (CHUCKLES) "You better take the stairs.
" Which I'm gonna.
I was thinking it was saying maybe we should hang out.
Want to grab a drink? Okay.
I mean, who am I to argue - with the universe, right? - (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Let's not overthink it.
Come on.
Okay, okay.
Um, I think that you guys are ready to try this.
How you feel? You feel good? - No.
Not at all.
- No.
Okay, well, it don't matter, because I believe in you, and I believe in you.
Okay? Now, Mr.
Roberts, what's the first step? Well, I pick up the large remote and I press the red "on" button.
That's my dawg.
I am your dawg.
Yeah.
Okay, Mrs.
Roberts, what's next? Oh, Nick, I'm so nervous.
I - We're not streaming people, you know? - Hey, hey, hey.
Don't you give up on me, mama bear.
Okay? You can do this.
All right.
Okay.
Uh for streaming service, press "input"? Oh, you get down with your bad self! Oh, look, so many choices.
Well, now we can watch all the fancy shows, - just like our friends.
- Yeah.
Hey, you know what this means, right? - Huh? - What? Y'all are streaming people.
(LAUGHS) Oh, we're streaming.
We're streaming people.
- We're streaming people.
- (LAUGHS) - Hey.
So - Hey.
I just wanted to circle back on that whole "I can't date your nanny" thing.
What did you do? So, what would be the worst thing I could have done? Have sex with her.
I did not do that.
Oh, thank God.
But we did kiss.
- Damn it, Josh! - Son of a bitch! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
She asked me out, and I didn't want to say that you said I couldn't date her because I didn't think that would reflect well on you.
Oh, so you hooked up with her to protect us? Yes, I did.
You are welcome.
Look, guys, she is so cute and caring, and you know how hard it's been for me to find someone.
And you know how hard it's been for us to find someone.
Yeah, but there's no reason Sara can't go out with me and be your nanny at the same time.
Uh, here's a reason.
What happens when she gets sick of you and quits 'cause she can't stand being one apartment over from her annoying ex-boyfriend? Ooh, I'll tell you what happens.
We lose our perfect nanny.
And then we kill you.
Guys, I think I really like her.
Are you prepared to say you love her, Josh? 'Cause I am.
I love her.
Look, if you really don't want me to date her, - just say the word.
- The word.
Babe, sidebar.
Look, this has been such a crap year for him.
Okay? The divorce, his show getting cancelled, so few sexual noises coming through the walls.
All unfortunate and not my problem.
He's my brother.
Maybe we should, like, I don't know, take his happiness into account.
- Wow, I'm a good person.
- (SIGHS) Fine.
I guess you have our very lukewarm blessing.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You won't regret this.
And since we're having an honest moment, we did a lot more than kiss.
See you later.
- Isn't this nice, Judy? - (CHUCKLES) Watching together instead of in separate rooms.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Okay, we have to pick a show.
I like this one.
It's so peaceful.
Harry, this is a screensaver.
Okay.
Oh! My Pilates instructor says Mad Men is pretty good.
Okay.
Uh, let's watch and find out why those men are so mad.
Ooh, your feet are so cold.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
Look at you all snug as a bug in a rug.
(LAUGHS) That's cute.
Josh? Oh.
Oh, hi, Sara.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
It's just, Andrew's at work and your parents aren't home, and I just got called into the hospital.
Would you mind watching Wyatt for a bit? Uh, Eve, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm meeting a director for drinks in an hour.
I can watch Wyatt.
Really? Yeah.
I'd love to.
You're a lifesaver.
Wow.
I guess it's kind of a good thing Sara was over here with me so she could save the day.
Huh? How about that? I get what you're saying.
I'll be right over to give the little guy a bath and get him in his jammies.
Thank you.
I love you.
I know it's too soon to say, but sometimes you just know.
Hey, I have an idea.
Yes.
How about when you get back from your meeting with the director, I give you a bath? I think I could get into that.
Oh, you're gonna get into it.
There's gonna be bubbles.
I am liking what I'm hearing.
I'm gonna wash you everywhere.
Uh-huh.
And give you a rub-a-dub-dub for your chubby-chub-chub.
I'm gonna powder your bottom and give you the tickles and help you wiggle into your jammies, mister mister! Boop! (LAUGHS) Ah.
- Oh, hey, what's up, bro? - Hey.
So, I've been thinking.
Sara's your nanny.
And I shouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.
What are you talking about? Well, it's just, you know, Wyatt is my top priority, and I have to act with him in mind.
What's wrong with her? She's weird, and I'm gonna stop seeing her.
The hell you are! What? Wha-What's that supposed to mean? Sara says she really likes you.
And more importantly, we really like her.
Thanks to Sara, Eve and I have been eating delicious dinners, - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Exercising regularly, and we have reconnected physically.
Well, I'm not gonna keep dating someone I'm not into.
(LAUGHS) See that's where you're wrong, Joshie-boy.
Because we said it was a bad idea.
But you convinced us otherwise.
So we got on board.
Yeah, and now the nanny likes you.
Which means you will not do anything to upset the nanny, 'cause we've been waiting for her for a long time, and she is very important to us.
So make it work.
- Is that a threat? - Yes.
(SLURPING) Harry, please.
I could see what your Pilates instructor was talking about.
(MAD MEN THEME MUSIC PLAYING) I'm trying to listen.
I like this Mad Men show.
You've mentioned that three times.
Though some of the women seem to be mad, too.
(LAUGHS): For God's sake.
Zip it! Okay, okay, I'm zipping.
(SLURPING) - There's my streaming queen.
- (LAUGHS) How's the new TV treating you? Well, Harry's never been happier, but I am in hell.
Oh.
What's the problem? Talk to your boy.
Well, the man never stops coughing or slurping or blowing his nose.
No matter what, I get sprayed.
I hear that.
Mr.
Roberts once sneezed all the way from the elevator, - and a little drizzle hit me on the lip.
- Oh.
And worst of all, he talks through all the lines.
I can't hear what's happening in the program.
You know what? We had a rule at my house.
Before anyone talks, they got to say "pause," and then we just pause the TV.
We call it the "Aunt Eunice Rule," after my Aunt Eunice.
I'll tell you, that woman never knows who that is or why they doing that or how come they going in there.
That's great! A pause rule.
Why didn't I think of that? (BOTH CHUCKLE) (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV) Oh.
Oopsie.
- You got a yucky.
- Oh.
- Yucky, yucky, yucky, ooh! - Yeah, you know what? It's okay.
Okay, yeah.
Thank you.
I, uh I got it.
What? Well (MUSIC STOPS) It's just have you ever noticed how sometimes you treat me like I'm a baby? Do I? Little bit.
Little bit.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I guess I'm just so used to being around kids all the time, I don't even realize I'm doing it.
You know what? That actually makes sense.
Sometimes when I'm preparing for a role, I take my work home with me.
I once played a homeless guy and didn't shower for a week.
And how was that for you? It was probably harder for the people around me.
(BOTH LAUGH) Hey, do you want a massage? I give a really good one.
- Come on, let me, let me.
Let me.
- Uh, okay, okay.
That would be amazing.
Oh, my God.
Sara, that is fantastic.
Thank you.
Crack an egg on your head, let the yolk drip down Yolk drip down, yolk drip down! Um, I'm sorry.
What is happening right now? Cool breeze, tight squeeze Now you've got the, now you've got the Please stop all that.
But I didn't give you the chills.
Oh, but you have.
Oh, goodness, I hope that Harry, remember the rule.
Yes, of course.
Uh, pause.
Yes? Well, now I forget.
(MAD MEN THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Wait.
Pause.
(MUSIC STOPS) That guy in yellow looks like a friend of mine.
Pauses are just for bathroom breaks and questions.
Fine.
(MUSIC RESUMES) Pause.
(MUSIC STOPS) I know I just took a bathroom break, but now that you mentioned it, I feel like I have to go again.
(SIGHS) Nope.
False alarm.
Un-pause.
Harry, I just remembered why we started watching television in separate rooms in the first place.
- What was it? - You.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but this is becoming really unpleasant for me.
Well, it's unpleasant for me, too! - Wait.
Really? - I am in hell! With you here, I can't chew the way I like to, and I-I can't scratch places that I want to.
And I can't do that thing I do to get the itch out of my throat.
So this is you holding back? (CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) I've been wanting to do that for two days.
Harry, I've never felt closer to you.
That is why I'm leaving to watch in the bedroom.
(SIGHS) Guys, I am sorry, but I had to break up with her.
You dumped our nanny? Josh, we talked about this.
But you don't understand.
She treated me like a baby.
And not like, "Ooh.
Ooh, baby.
" Like a literal baby.
- What do you mean? - I mean, she burped me.
Ew! I don't want to know this! Know what? The truth about your perfect nanny.
Your perfect nanny stuck her hand down my pants to check if I was wet.
- Oh! - Stop it! Oh, but there's more.
She asked me to set up a play date for my pee-pee and her wee-wee.
- Oh.
Pee-pee? - Wee-wee? I'm sorry, she may be a great nanny, but she is not the girl for me.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) She's a great nanny.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, we can get past this.
Yeah.
We're not gonna let him ruin her for us.
Yeah, yeah, like, who cares if she's a weird girlfriend? - Wyatt loves her.
- Yeah, we love her.
- Yeah.
We can make this work.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, guys! - Hi.
- Hi.
How was the park? Great.
Somebody made a big pee-pee with his wee-wee.
- You have to fire her.
- I know a guy.
All right, all right.
Hey, creepy baby lady.
Uh, put down those diapers.
Uh, you out.
Come on.
Pause.
Yes, my darling.
I just want to say how much I am enjoying watching the same program at the same time in separate rooms.
I love that, too.
Mm.
Judy? - Yes, Harry? - Can you believe how the mad men drank so much at work? Those were the days.
What are we doing tomorrow? We'll talk about that tomorrow.
Hey, did you understand? Shutting the door, Harry! (DOOR CLOSES)