A Moody Christmas (2012) s01e03 Episode Script
Decapod Crustaceans
(Engine idles) Come on, come on, come on.
MAN: You sure this is the place? Uh, yeah, she's coming.
Is she? I've seen it all before.
You try to please 'em.
One day they just disappear.
Yeah, she's just she's just running a bit late.
You go through her stuff, trying to find answers.
Then you stumble across a video suddenly.
Her and your best mate, going for it on the kitchen table.
A tub of Utterly Butterly, dog in the corner, his tongue lolling out.
Maybe you could just All you can do is watch.
.
.
keep it to yourself.
Rewind.
Maybe.
Watch rewind .
.
watch rewind.
.
.
watch Freeze frame.
Mate (Knocking on window) Right, sorted.
Heathrow, here we come.
So, no big plans today? Nothing today.
Just big family dinner tonight.
Well, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over for our lunch.
Hayden's not going to be there.
Oh, it'll be fine, then.
'Hey everyone, remember me? I'm the girl who dumped your nephew.
Well now I'm shagging his cousin, your son.
' Well, what are you going to say to your folks, then? Nothing.
Are you joking? They loved Hayden.
You'd be a very, very distant second, if that.
Well, I, unlike you, don't care what my family think.
MAN: Daniel! Tez! Hey! (Laughing) Wondered whether I'd see you here.
What a surprise.
This is nice.
How are you? Merry Christmas.
Hey, look what I bumped into on .
.
on the plane.
Cora! How's tricks? Hi.
Yeah, good, yeah.
I was just, um, in London studying.
Yeah, yeah, so I heard.
Had a night with Hayden after you two parted ways.
You know, shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing.
What a wild night that was.
Ohh! I only remember part of it.
I must have showered a dozen times the next day.
Right, yeah, that's how it sounds.
Well, I guess I'll see you at, uh lunch later on.
Yeah, yeah, righto.
Won't be long.
A couple of blokes from Thailand just came in with a human hand.
Oh, wow.
Sounds grisly.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Coracha! Yeah.
See ya, mate.
You know what's really great? Um airport trolleys? No, the way you just don't care what your family thinks.
It's better we tell them properly, at lunch.
Oh, when they've been drinking? Yeah, exactly.
So, I'll see you there? WOMAN: Yeah.
Yeah, OK, hang on.
Dan! Hey! Hey! What are you doing here? Oh, Sean and his prawns.
Don't ask.
Ah, yeah, be waiting out the front.
OK.
What? You're adopting? That's amazing! Yeah.
Well, the whole process takes a long time, but the wheels are in motion now at least.
You can keep trying in the meantime, right? Mm-hmm.
So where is Rog? Uh he's at a mate's place.
He's just helping a friend pick wines for Christmas lunch.
Mmm.
Oh, there he is.
Hey, isn't that the guy from Mum's work? Uh, who? The gay guy who came to Christmas lunch last year? Uh yeah.
Chris.
Sorry.
Oh, wow.
He and Rog mates now? Mm-hmm.
What what are they doing? Oh, my God, they're kissing! No, they're not they're not kissing.
No, no, they are, they are! Look, Bridge! No, no, no, that's just some kind of Sri Lankan Um it's a cultural ritual thing.
No, I don't think it is.
I think What What are they doing?! Uh Do Hey, Dan.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you too, Rog.
I was just, uh, helping pick wines for a mate's Christmas lunch.
Forget it! We all saw your little poncing show in the window.
I told you to wait outside.
What's what's going on? Well, I suppose for me, it goes back to when I was a teenager.
Skinny dipping with some friends up at Lake Macquarie He's gay.
Roger's gay.
We've split up, and now big gay Roger lives with big gay Chris in their big gay house.
It's a two-bedder.
It's not that big.
Um when When did you you you split up? Dan, I was living a lie, and for that I couldn't be more sorry.
Don't touch him! Why didn't you tell me? Nobody knows.
Mum and Dad? I'm the one with the fairy husband, Dan.
I get to decide when and who we tell, and right now we are saying nothing.
Got it? Yep.
Besides, this could be Grandma's last Christmas, and we all know what she thinks of fags.
Bridget! Well that's what she calls homosexuals, Roger.
I'm sorry if Gra Gra isn't PC enough for you.
Well, her I can handle.
But I've told you before about the homophobic slurs.
OK, fine.
(Sighs) This never would have happened if Sean had picked you up like he said he would.
(Dog barks) WOMAN: Ohh! You still sore? Yes.
You sure it's the cans? Yes, I'm sure.
Stop calling them cans.
Well, they're not really that big Don't.
Stop.
I should never have listened to you.
What sort of man takes advantage of his wife's double mastectomy? You asked my opinion Don't! .
.
and I was just being supportive.
We're back.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
Oh.
What have you got there? You'll see.
Prawns? Ah, yeah.
Just prawns? You were supposed to get enough seafood for the whole barbecue.
It's quality, Kevvie, not quantity.
And you're the expert on quality, aren't you? If you want more seafood, go and buy it.
With all the money you're saving on the pool.
I'd ask you to kick in a few quid, but you're nearly bankrupt again.
Hey, Movies Carwash is about to go apeshit.
Just wait till summer.
It is summer.
No, he means, like, January.
Yeah, everything shuts down over Christmas.
And you know what else people want during summer? Cocktails? Water slides? Air conditioning.
Quality air con too, not the rubbish you were flogging.
Till you went bust.
Oh, here we go.
You could be earning a good living with me, Sean.
But I'm getting tired of askin'! Well, stop asking, 'cause it's never gonna happen.
Um the good thing about Movies Carwash is that, like, we cut down the movies to, like, fifteen minutes, so you get like a fifteen-minute version of Die Hard, like, without the bad bits.
My brother does it on computer.
He's in IT.
Die Hard doesn't have any bad bits.
Yeah, but, like, with the wife and that He worries about you.
Oh, God.
Why? We're doing alright, aren't we, Scottie? Yeah, we're goin' great.
Um As are you, Mrs Moody.
As well.
You're also .
.
great.
Thanks, Scott.
# HAPPY MUSIC So now they're a gift, are they? A lousy prawn each? Not prawns.
Melicertus plebejus, OK? Commonly known as the Tropical Whiteleg King.
In other words, prawns.
There's over 500 species of decapod crustaceans.
Prawns.
And these are, without question, the finest.
Wait till you taste them.
Well, I'm allergic to shellfish.
Since when? Since birth.
Are you reopening the Seafood Deli Van? (Mock-English accent) The Seafood Deli Van? No, no, I'm not, I, um I got you something, Mrs Moody, just to say thanks for having me.
Oh, Scott, thank you.
So we have to cook these ourselves? Don't touch them! OK.
Alright, they shouldn't even be in room temperature.
Give 'em back.
Give 'em back.
You've ruined it.
You've ruined it, OK? Here, let me help you.
(Grunts) Oh, thank you.
Sorry, Kev, no present for you, mate.
Hey, Mum, can I have a word to you about something? Why? What do you mean? Oh, nothing.
I just What's wrong? Nothing.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Hayden? You're right.
Hayden and Terry can't sit together.
I wonder what happened to them that night.
I I thought he was in the States with his folks.
No, he couldn't go.
He had work commitments.
What's the matter? No, no, it's just there's there's extra people.
More mouths to feed, and pressure on you No, no, no, no, don't be ridiculous.
I'm fine.
The only pressure I've got are these.
What what did you want to talk about? Oh, nothing.
No, it's not important.
Don't worry.
(On phone) Hey, it's Cora.
Leave me a message and I might call you back.
Hey, hey, it's me.
Look, something's come up, and I think Hey, London! Hey! I'll call you back.
Hey, dude.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
How're are you, alright? What do you mean, alright? Oh, no, it's just just asking how you are.
You well? Oh, it's like 'alright'? KEVIN: Yeah, it's taking shape.
Yeah.
But I did have a few unexpected expenses this year.
Namely, uh .
.
Maree's MAREE: Kevin! Sorry, love.
Wasn't cheap, either, I'll give you the drum.
Cool.
Well done, though, eh? Um yeah, sure.
Here you go, fellas.
Thanks, mate.
That's yours.
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Christmas.
It's a little early for these, isn't it? Oh, mate, it's Christmas.
One day of the year when it's never too early.
Anzac Day as well.
Cheers.
Yes.
Australia Day.
Yes.
St Paddy's Day.
So, didn't you land some big fancy new job or something? Uh no, no, didn't get it in the end.
Came close, but Right.
So, what are you going to do now? Uh not sure.
Sean might, um I might stick around here for a bit, see what happens.
What about you? Me? Uh oh, you know, work's alright.
You hear I broke up with Cora? Uh, yeah.
You broke up with her? Yeah, yeah.
Getting a bit too clingy.
Had to cut her loose, you know what I'm saying? Yeah! Nah, I'm not I'm not doing that.
So, did you see her in London? Oh, no, but London's a big big place, so Right.
She's studying there now.
It's ironic, 'cause the photos you took got her there.
Yeah.
Hey, Scotty, why don't you take Haydos through Movies Carwash? Bro time.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not investing in Movie Carwash.
We got walky-talkies and everything for it.
Melbourne Cup.
Nice.
Check this.
We got a map, right? Yeah, OK.
You come in, right, at the top, here, OK? Past the cafe, right? Mm-hmm.
There's a car park here, and you come in through there.
There's a screen, there's a screen there, you get washed there.
OK, so how do you how do you see the screen? Because the screens are waterproof.
Oh, I'm sure they are, but when you're behind the rollers, and they're in front of your windscreen and there's soap and water and all that stuff, how do you how do you see the screen? Like actually see it? Anything you'd like to tell me? Mmm You are so transparent, Daniel.
In skin tone and in ability to lie.
Sean You have seen Cora, haven't you? You sly little bitch! I We don't even know what it is yet.
OK, what are we talking? First base? Second base? Yes.
Have you been away for the weekend? Yes Are you cohabiting? No.
No, we're not living together.
It's I don't OK, toothbrush? Yeah, there's she leaves it there occasionally.
Has she used yours? Yes.
Once.
Eu OK, OK.
It's OK.
Alright.
Have you ever cooked? Uh once or twice.
Takeaway? Of course we've taken takeaway.
What, Chinese? Yes, Chinese.
OK.
Have you ever had a meal, left for whatever reason, gone to the toilet, whatever, come back, she's eaten some of that meal? Well I can't really remember what Doesn't matter.
OK, so sexual relationship with cousin's ex-girlfriend, but you're not cohabiting.
No, and they were They've been broken up for ages, so I don't Still.
I gotta say It's frowned upon.
.
.
it's frowned upon.
And he's a potential investor, for me, so I'm in this too now.
Which is the major point.
Thanks for nothing.
But I'll think of something and get us out of this.
SCOTT, ON WALKY-TALKY : Lone Wolf, Lone Wolf, this is Sierra Club 7, we need an ops briefing stat.
Over.
Negative, negative, busy.
Over.
Some major operational issues have arisen over Movie Carwash! Over.
This is bro time, OK? How many times have I got to tell you? How do you see the screen? The rollers are in front of the screen! It's going well, isn't it? Think we've got them fooled.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you're having a good time.
Oh, it's a bit like being a spy or something.
Could you try and be a bit more openly affectionate, please? We are supposed to be a loving couple about to adopt.
Yeah, sorry.
How's that? Not now! In front of other people.
Yeah, oh, yeah, OK.
You two alright? Yeah, we're good.
Great.
How are you? Yeah, yeah, good.
Ho, ho, ho! Terry Christmas! (Laughs) Nice shirt.
Yeah, thought you'd say so.
So Wacko! Lights up when you speak, see? Merry Christmas, Kevvie.
Thanks, mate.
You remember the electric screen printing classes I took? No.
No? Well, that's that's something I made from that.
If it's not your style, though, that's no worries.
It's not.
Oh, right.
Well, just so you know, I didn't have many avenues for my love this year, so I've had to find other areas to put it into.
It's a bit of that in that.
Hmm.
Ohh! Great.
Hayden.
Terry.
Look, about that night Don't.
No Don't.
Look, I just wanted to say, I had my Y-fronts caught around (Instinct) I didn't even know it was you in the dark.
Can you please stop talking? Hey.
Hey, Tez.
How are ya? Dan, hi, how's anything? Do you want a beer? I'm gonna I'm gonna grab one.
No, I'm all good, thanks.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, Tez, can I have a I'm just thinking maybe it's probably for the best if you don't mention to Hayden that you saw Cora.
Oh, say no more.
I mention Cora, we have a beer, and then shots, and then next minute we're back on the town up the Cross in some dodgy room with some woman that we thought was ughhh .
.
and it's lights and leather and all manner of sin part two, so my lips are sealed.
Great.
Dan, just tell me honestly.
Do you think you could tell the difference between a man's ear and a woman's in the dark? Um Just close your eyes and just .
.
will you touch? Um Nah.
Actually, no.
It's I don't Sorry.
You should No.
Ohh.
(Groans) Don't you worry.
Everything's going to be alright, sweetheart, OK? Thanks, Dad.
Don't you worry.
So much for the seafood banquet, eh? Eight bloody prawns are meant to feed the lot of us, eh? Is everything alright? You go easy on your sister today.
She's going through a lot.
Hang on, she she told you? Yeah.
About about her and Rog? Yeah.
She doesn't want us telling your Mum, not today.
And, um I mean, how do you feel about it? Not what I would have hoped for when they got married.
But here we are.
So I'm going to support them.
Really? Of course.
Wow.
I thought you might have bloody knocked Rog out or something.
Why? Its just the way he was born.
Dad.
I had no idea you were so progressive about homosexuality.
What? No, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that you can accept that Roger's gay.
I mean you know, I'm not sure if I agree with the whole 'pretending to still be together' thing, but I guess if that's what they decide I was talking about them adopting because of Roger's low sperm count.
Yeah that's what I was talking about too.
Just about .
.
'Cause Roger's being so gay about the whole thing.
Roger's gay? Dad, you can't say anything.
Dad, just calm down.
Step aside, Dan.
Dad you can't, Dad, I promised Better not be sausages on my hotplate.
Not now, Sean! It never happened.
Scratches Bridget! Bridget! Bridget.
Dad, can you just? When were you going to tell us? Dan! I Bridge! Everything, OK sweetie? You stay here! Yep, sure thing, Kev.
Bridge, come on! Open up, darls.
Dad, can you just calm down for a second, please? No! (Pounds on door) Open up! I want to talk to ya! Uh now's not a good time.
Hayden's here, and Dad's on the rampage and I just want to talk to you! Open the damn door! I think I don't know, maybe it's for the best.
Maybe we can just figure out what this is before we go making any big announcements.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I'll call you later, yeah? (Kevin's shouting continues) BRIDGET: Go away! Cora, wait.
Come on, Bridget! Just open the door! I just want to talk! Go away, Dad.
Maree! Maree! Did you know that? Scott! Kevin, please, it's just a present.
I mean, they're going to have to find out eventually.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Christmas is pretty much ruined now anyway.
Who else did you tell, Terry? Hey, don't walk Mate, who else did you tell? You! What? You give my wife lingerie? Oh well, she's a beautiful woman.
It's a gift.
I'm gonna kill ya! You're a lucky man, Kev! Hey! I'll kill ya! (Dog barks) Aren't you going to do anything? He's your mate! Will you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.
Dad, Dad, don't smoke around the prawns.
Don't tell me what to do.
This is my barbecue, it's my backyard and it's my house! Yeah, yeah, and it's your pool.
If you wanna Dad? Help! Sean! I can't, the prawns.
Help! (Coughs) Hang on, the prawns HELP! You right? Hold on, hold on! Quick! Dan! Quickly! (Maree shrieks) Ahhh! Help's on the way.
Ten seconds.
Why aren't you helping him? The prawns are burning! Come on, Dad.
I'll take care of the family, Kev.
Could you call an ambulance? Yeah, I am.
Don't you worry, mate.
I'll marry Maree and I'll look after the boys.
Oh, Tez, shut up! What? He'd do the same for me.
Cora? Hi.
Hey, I need an ambulance to, um What's the number of the house here? It's 31.
And tell them to come down Christian Anderson Drive.
You alright, Kev? You OK? Just breathe.
Just breathe.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Yep, OK.
Cora? (Sighs) (Crunches) Prawn? Prawn? Tez.
What? No use wasting them.
It's what he would have wanted.
Hmm? Prawn? And a Merry Christmas to you.
Excuse me.
Prawn? (Russian accent) This, no.
Not a seafood lover, I see.
How about some honey smoked ham fresh off the bone? This is hospital.
Not restaurant.
Russian accent.
From the city of Mmm, num num num Say something.
Take outside.
Novosibirsk.
Da.
(Speaks Russian) (Machine beeps) Dad? I'm so sorry that you're here, mate.
I feel a bit responsible.
And I'm sorry I gave you shit about the pool too.
I mean, it's not going to get finished, let's face it, but I shouldn't have said anything.
And I'm just generally sorry for being a bit of a dickhead all the time.
Movies Carwash isn't going to happen now.
There's a technical thing with the screens.
You can't see 'em, so Um But, Dad, I promise that if .
.
if you pull through, I'll come and work for you.
You know, I'll do anything you want me to do for the business.
Just like you always wanted, Dad.
I can work for you.
(Crying) Because I love you, Dad.
(Breathes deeply) Dad? (Sighs, laughs) Hey, mate.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going? Yeah, yeah, better now, you know.
Yeah.
You should have told me.
OK, look Meeting her on the plane, inviting her round so we could talk.
Look at you playing cupid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ahh! Hey, look, now's obviously not the right time, but, um do you think you could put in a good word for me? With Cora? She likes you.
She'll listen to you.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, mate.
I appreciate it.
No problem.
Thanks.
Be nice.
Yeah.
You OK, sweetheart? (Laughs) (Continues laughing) What's so funny? You.
I've finally got ya.
I heard every word.
You're coming to work for me.
He told me he loved me.
What? No I didn't.
He he said if I got through this, he was coming to work for the business and he was gonna do whatever I wanted him to do.
No, you were dreaming, Dad.
You've had He's had one of those near-death thingies.
Sean.
What? He's hearing things! You're you're unbelievable.
Let me lie there while you cooked those stupid prawns.
Actually, they are fantastic.
You should try one.
Terry, stop eating them, mate.
You're going to eat them all.
I already have.
What? Well, you said you didn't want one.
I didn't then.
I was sad.
I was saving them for when we'd all be happy.
I gave them to Irene.
Who? A Russian nurse.
I didn't go through all this and have Dad have a heart attack so a Russian nurse could eat my prawns.
You can't have this one.
I've already licked it.
So he asked you to put in a good word for him? I don't know.
I guess today's probably not the best day to be talking about all this stuff.
No.
No, of course not.
We can talk about it next week when we go down the coast.
I can't wait to go down the coast.
I should go.
OK.
I'll call you later? Yep.
I'm really glad your Dad's OK.
I'm really glad you were here.
Ooh, you said you loved him! (Laughs) No! There is no way I said 'I love you'.
You're a bloody liar.
You want to talk about liars, what about Bridget? She's been lying to us for years about her husband's gayness.
Dan told me everything.
What?! Is Roger a fag? Big time.
Sean, shut up.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Look, they've cut the bloody thing! (Phone rings) Look, they've cut it in half! Hello? WOMAN: Hi, Daniel.
Merry Christmas.
It's Hilary here.
Do you have a second to chat? Sorry, who is it? Hilary.
AP Press? Oh, right.
Hi, Hilary.
Good news.
Our first candidate hasn't worked out, and you're the next pick.
Congratulations.
The job's yours.
Oh, OK.
So I need you back in London by the end of the week at the latest.
I've put you on a flight # MUSIC This is Elliott.
What, you got back problems? Nah, just exerted myself a little too much in the heat of the moment.
Peggy, she doesn't want a bar of you.
Just call her and call her, and just keep calling her until your fingers bleed.
Jesus, Terry.
Thanks for that.
That's really lovely.
You got kids, Elliott? Oh, big time.
Both eight.
Twins, eh? No, not twins.
Born two weeks apart.
MAN: You sure this is the place? Uh, yeah, she's coming.
Is she? I've seen it all before.
You try to please 'em.
One day they just disappear.
Yeah, she's just she's just running a bit late.
You go through her stuff, trying to find answers.
Then you stumble across a video suddenly.
Her and your best mate, going for it on the kitchen table.
A tub of Utterly Butterly, dog in the corner, his tongue lolling out.
Maybe you could just All you can do is watch.
.
.
keep it to yourself.
Rewind.
Maybe.
Watch rewind .
.
watch rewind.
.
.
watch Freeze frame.
Mate (Knocking on window) Right, sorted.
Heathrow, here we come.
So, no big plans today? Nothing today.
Just big family dinner tonight.
Well, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over for our lunch.
Hayden's not going to be there.
Oh, it'll be fine, then.
'Hey everyone, remember me? I'm the girl who dumped your nephew.
Well now I'm shagging his cousin, your son.
' Well, what are you going to say to your folks, then? Nothing.
Are you joking? They loved Hayden.
You'd be a very, very distant second, if that.
Well, I, unlike you, don't care what my family think.
MAN: Daniel! Tez! Hey! (Laughing) Wondered whether I'd see you here.
What a surprise.
This is nice.
How are you? Merry Christmas.
Hey, look what I bumped into on .
.
on the plane.
Cora! How's tricks? Hi.
Yeah, good, yeah.
I was just, um, in London studying.
Yeah, yeah, so I heard.
Had a night with Hayden after you two parted ways.
You know, shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing.
What a wild night that was.
Ohh! I only remember part of it.
I must have showered a dozen times the next day.
Right, yeah, that's how it sounds.
Well, I guess I'll see you at, uh lunch later on.
Yeah, yeah, righto.
Won't be long.
A couple of blokes from Thailand just came in with a human hand.
Oh, wow.
Sounds grisly.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Coracha! Yeah.
See ya, mate.
You know what's really great? Um airport trolleys? No, the way you just don't care what your family thinks.
It's better we tell them properly, at lunch.
Oh, when they've been drinking? Yeah, exactly.
So, I'll see you there? WOMAN: Yeah.
Yeah, OK, hang on.
Dan! Hey! Hey! What are you doing here? Oh, Sean and his prawns.
Don't ask.
Ah, yeah, be waiting out the front.
OK.
What? You're adopting? That's amazing! Yeah.
Well, the whole process takes a long time, but the wheels are in motion now at least.
You can keep trying in the meantime, right? Mm-hmm.
So where is Rog? Uh he's at a mate's place.
He's just helping a friend pick wines for Christmas lunch.
Mmm.
Oh, there he is.
Hey, isn't that the guy from Mum's work? Uh, who? The gay guy who came to Christmas lunch last year? Uh yeah.
Chris.
Sorry.
Oh, wow.
He and Rog mates now? Mm-hmm.
What what are they doing? Oh, my God, they're kissing! No, they're not they're not kissing.
No, no, they are, they are! Look, Bridge! No, no, no, that's just some kind of Sri Lankan Um it's a cultural ritual thing.
No, I don't think it is.
I think What What are they doing?! Uh Do Hey, Dan.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you too, Rog.
I was just, uh, helping pick wines for a mate's Christmas lunch.
Forget it! We all saw your little poncing show in the window.
I told you to wait outside.
What's what's going on? Well, I suppose for me, it goes back to when I was a teenager.
Skinny dipping with some friends up at Lake Macquarie He's gay.
Roger's gay.
We've split up, and now big gay Roger lives with big gay Chris in their big gay house.
It's a two-bedder.
It's not that big.
Um when When did you you you split up? Dan, I was living a lie, and for that I couldn't be more sorry.
Don't touch him! Why didn't you tell me? Nobody knows.
Mum and Dad? I'm the one with the fairy husband, Dan.
I get to decide when and who we tell, and right now we are saying nothing.
Got it? Yep.
Besides, this could be Grandma's last Christmas, and we all know what she thinks of fags.
Bridget! Well that's what she calls homosexuals, Roger.
I'm sorry if Gra Gra isn't PC enough for you.
Well, her I can handle.
But I've told you before about the homophobic slurs.
OK, fine.
(Sighs) This never would have happened if Sean had picked you up like he said he would.
(Dog barks) WOMAN: Ohh! You still sore? Yes.
You sure it's the cans? Yes, I'm sure.
Stop calling them cans.
Well, they're not really that big Don't.
Stop.
I should never have listened to you.
What sort of man takes advantage of his wife's double mastectomy? You asked my opinion Don't! .
.
and I was just being supportive.
We're back.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
Oh.
What have you got there? You'll see.
Prawns? Ah, yeah.
Just prawns? You were supposed to get enough seafood for the whole barbecue.
It's quality, Kevvie, not quantity.
And you're the expert on quality, aren't you? If you want more seafood, go and buy it.
With all the money you're saving on the pool.
I'd ask you to kick in a few quid, but you're nearly bankrupt again.
Hey, Movies Carwash is about to go apeshit.
Just wait till summer.
It is summer.
No, he means, like, January.
Yeah, everything shuts down over Christmas.
And you know what else people want during summer? Cocktails? Water slides? Air conditioning.
Quality air con too, not the rubbish you were flogging.
Till you went bust.
Oh, here we go.
You could be earning a good living with me, Sean.
But I'm getting tired of askin'! Well, stop asking, 'cause it's never gonna happen.
Um the good thing about Movies Carwash is that, like, we cut down the movies to, like, fifteen minutes, so you get like a fifteen-minute version of Die Hard, like, without the bad bits.
My brother does it on computer.
He's in IT.
Die Hard doesn't have any bad bits.
Yeah, but, like, with the wife and that He worries about you.
Oh, God.
Why? We're doing alright, aren't we, Scottie? Yeah, we're goin' great.
Um As are you, Mrs Moody.
As well.
You're also .
.
great.
Thanks, Scott.
# HAPPY MUSIC So now they're a gift, are they? A lousy prawn each? Not prawns.
Melicertus plebejus, OK? Commonly known as the Tropical Whiteleg King.
In other words, prawns.
There's over 500 species of decapod crustaceans.
Prawns.
And these are, without question, the finest.
Wait till you taste them.
Well, I'm allergic to shellfish.
Since when? Since birth.
Are you reopening the Seafood Deli Van? (Mock-English accent) The Seafood Deli Van? No, no, I'm not, I, um I got you something, Mrs Moody, just to say thanks for having me.
Oh, Scott, thank you.
So we have to cook these ourselves? Don't touch them! OK.
Alright, they shouldn't even be in room temperature.
Give 'em back.
Give 'em back.
You've ruined it.
You've ruined it, OK? Here, let me help you.
(Grunts) Oh, thank you.
Sorry, Kev, no present for you, mate.
Hey, Mum, can I have a word to you about something? Why? What do you mean? Oh, nothing.
I just What's wrong? Nothing.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Hayden? You're right.
Hayden and Terry can't sit together.
I wonder what happened to them that night.
I I thought he was in the States with his folks.
No, he couldn't go.
He had work commitments.
What's the matter? No, no, it's just there's there's extra people.
More mouths to feed, and pressure on you No, no, no, no, don't be ridiculous.
I'm fine.
The only pressure I've got are these.
What what did you want to talk about? Oh, nothing.
No, it's not important.
Don't worry.
(On phone) Hey, it's Cora.
Leave me a message and I might call you back.
Hey, hey, it's me.
Look, something's come up, and I think Hey, London! Hey! I'll call you back.
Hey, dude.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
How're are you, alright? What do you mean, alright? Oh, no, it's just just asking how you are.
You well? Oh, it's like 'alright'? KEVIN: Yeah, it's taking shape.
Yeah.
But I did have a few unexpected expenses this year.
Namely, uh .
.
Maree's MAREE: Kevin! Sorry, love.
Wasn't cheap, either, I'll give you the drum.
Cool.
Well done, though, eh? Um yeah, sure.
Here you go, fellas.
Thanks, mate.
That's yours.
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Christmas.
It's a little early for these, isn't it? Oh, mate, it's Christmas.
One day of the year when it's never too early.
Anzac Day as well.
Cheers.
Yes.
Australia Day.
Yes.
St Paddy's Day.
So, didn't you land some big fancy new job or something? Uh no, no, didn't get it in the end.
Came close, but Right.
So, what are you going to do now? Uh not sure.
Sean might, um I might stick around here for a bit, see what happens.
What about you? Me? Uh oh, you know, work's alright.
You hear I broke up with Cora? Uh, yeah.
You broke up with her? Yeah, yeah.
Getting a bit too clingy.
Had to cut her loose, you know what I'm saying? Yeah! Nah, I'm not I'm not doing that.
So, did you see her in London? Oh, no, but London's a big big place, so Right.
She's studying there now.
It's ironic, 'cause the photos you took got her there.
Yeah.
Hey, Scotty, why don't you take Haydos through Movies Carwash? Bro time.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not investing in Movie Carwash.
We got walky-talkies and everything for it.
Melbourne Cup.
Nice.
Check this.
We got a map, right? Yeah, OK.
You come in, right, at the top, here, OK? Past the cafe, right? Mm-hmm.
There's a car park here, and you come in through there.
There's a screen, there's a screen there, you get washed there.
OK, so how do you how do you see the screen? Because the screens are waterproof.
Oh, I'm sure they are, but when you're behind the rollers, and they're in front of your windscreen and there's soap and water and all that stuff, how do you how do you see the screen? Like actually see it? Anything you'd like to tell me? Mmm You are so transparent, Daniel.
In skin tone and in ability to lie.
Sean You have seen Cora, haven't you? You sly little bitch! I We don't even know what it is yet.
OK, what are we talking? First base? Second base? Yes.
Have you been away for the weekend? Yes Are you cohabiting? No.
No, we're not living together.
It's I don't OK, toothbrush? Yeah, there's she leaves it there occasionally.
Has she used yours? Yes.
Once.
Eu OK, OK.
It's OK.
Alright.
Have you ever cooked? Uh once or twice.
Takeaway? Of course we've taken takeaway.
What, Chinese? Yes, Chinese.
OK.
Have you ever had a meal, left for whatever reason, gone to the toilet, whatever, come back, she's eaten some of that meal? Well I can't really remember what Doesn't matter.
OK, so sexual relationship with cousin's ex-girlfriend, but you're not cohabiting.
No, and they were They've been broken up for ages, so I don't Still.
I gotta say It's frowned upon.
.
.
it's frowned upon.
And he's a potential investor, for me, so I'm in this too now.
Which is the major point.
Thanks for nothing.
But I'll think of something and get us out of this.
SCOTT, ON WALKY-TALKY : Lone Wolf, Lone Wolf, this is Sierra Club 7, we need an ops briefing stat.
Over.
Negative, negative, busy.
Over.
Some major operational issues have arisen over Movie Carwash! Over.
This is bro time, OK? How many times have I got to tell you? How do you see the screen? The rollers are in front of the screen! It's going well, isn't it? Think we've got them fooled.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you're having a good time.
Oh, it's a bit like being a spy or something.
Could you try and be a bit more openly affectionate, please? We are supposed to be a loving couple about to adopt.
Yeah, sorry.
How's that? Not now! In front of other people.
Yeah, oh, yeah, OK.
You two alright? Yeah, we're good.
Great.
How are you? Yeah, yeah, good.
Ho, ho, ho! Terry Christmas! (Laughs) Nice shirt.
Yeah, thought you'd say so.
So Wacko! Lights up when you speak, see? Merry Christmas, Kevvie.
Thanks, mate.
You remember the electric screen printing classes I took? No.
No? Well, that's that's something I made from that.
If it's not your style, though, that's no worries.
It's not.
Oh, right.
Well, just so you know, I didn't have many avenues for my love this year, so I've had to find other areas to put it into.
It's a bit of that in that.
Hmm.
Ohh! Great.
Hayden.
Terry.
Look, about that night Don't.
No Don't.
Look, I just wanted to say, I had my Y-fronts caught around (Instinct) I didn't even know it was you in the dark.
Can you please stop talking? Hey.
Hey, Tez.
How are ya? Dan, hi, how's anything? Do you want a beer? I'm gonna I'm gonna grab one.
No, I'm all good, thanks.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, Tez, can I have a I'm just thinking maybe it's probably for the best if you don't mention to Hayden that you saw Cora.
Oh, say no more.
I mention Cora, we have a beer, and then shots, and then next minute we're back on the town up the Cross in some dodgy room with some woman that we thought was ughhh .
.
and it's lights and leather and all manner of sin part two, so my lips are sealed.
Great.
Dan, just tell me honestly.
Do you think you could tell the difference between a man's ear and a woman's in the dark? Um Just close your eyes and just .
.
will you touch? Um Nah.
Actually, no.
It's I don't Sorry.
You should No.
Ohh.
(Groans) Don't you worry.
Everything's going to be alright, sweetheart, OK? Thanks, Dad.
Don't you worry.
So much for the seafood banquet, eh? Eight bloody prawns are meant to feed the lot of us, eh? Is everything alright? You go easy on your sister today.
She's going through a lot.
Hang on, she she told you? Yeah.
About about her and Rog? Yeah.
She doesn't want us telling your Mum, not today.
And, um I mean, how do you feel about it? Not what I would have hoped for when they got married.
But here we are.
So I'm going to support them.
Really? Of course.
Wow.
I thought you might have bloody knocked Rog out or something.
Why? Its just the way he was born.
Dad.
I had no idea you were so progressive about homosexuality.
What? No, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that you can accept that Roger's gay.
I mean you know, I'm not sure if I agree with the whole 'pretending to still be together' thing, but I guess if that's what they decide I was talking about them adopting because of Roger's low sperm count.
Yeah that's what I was talking about too.
Just about .
.
'Cause Roger's being so gay about the whole thing.
Roger's gay? Dad, you can't say anything.
Dad, just calm down.
Step aside, Dan.
Dad you can't, Dad, I promised Better not be sausages on my hotplate.
Not now, Sean! It never happened.
Scratches Bridget! Bridget! Bridget.
Dad, can you just? When were you going to tell us? Dan! I Bridge! Everything, OK sweetie? You stay here! Yep, sure thing, Kev.
Bridge, come on! Open up, darls.
Dad, can you just calm down for a second, please? No! (Pounds on door) Open up! I want to talk to ya! Uh now's not a good time.
Hayden's here, and Dad's on the rampage and I just want to talk to you! Open the damn door! I think I don't know, maybe it's for the best.
Maybe we can just figure out what this is before we go making any big announcements.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I'll call you later, yeah? (Kevin's shouting continues) BRIDGET: Go away! Cora, wait.
Come on, Bridget! Just open the door! I just want to talk! Go away, Dad.
Maree! Maree! Did you know that? Scott! Kevin, please, it's just a present.
I mean, they're going to have to find out eventually.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Christmas is pretty much ruined now anyway.
Who else did you tell, Terry? Hey, don't walk Mate, who else did you tell? You! What? You give my wife lingerie? Oh well, she's a beautiful woman.
It's a gift.
I'm gonna kill ya! You're a lucky man, Kev! Hey! I'll kill ya! (Dog barks) Aren't you going to do anything? He's your mate! Will you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.
Dad, Dad, don't smoke around the prawns.
Don't tell me what to do.
This is my barbecue, it's my backyard and it's my house! Yeah, yeah, and it's your pool.
If you wanna Dad? Help! Sean! I can't, the prawns.
Help! (Coughs) Hang on, the prawns HELP! You right? Hold on, hold on! Quick! Dan! Quickly! (Maree shrieks) Ahhh! Help's on the way.
Ten seconds.
Why aren't you helping him? The prawns are burning! Come on, Dad.
I'll take care of the family, Kev.
Could you call an ambulance? Yeah, I am.
Don't you worry, mate.
I'll marry Maree and I'll look after the boys.
Oh, Tez, shut up! What? He'd do the same for me.
Cora? Hi.
Hey, I need an ambulance to, um What's the number of the house here? It's 31.
And tell them to come down Christian Anderson Drive.
You alright, Kev? You OK? Just breathe.
Just breathe.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Yep, OK.
Cora? (Sighs) (Crunches) Prawn? Prawn? Tez.
What? No use wasting them.
It's what he would have wanted.
Hmm? Prawn? And a Merry Christmas to you.
Excuse me.
Prawn? (Russian accent) This, no.
Not a seafood lover, I see.
How about some honey smoked ham fresh off the bone? This is hospital.
Not restaurant.
Russian accent.
From the city of Mmm, num num num Say something.
Take outside.
Novosibirsk.
Da.
(Speaks Russian) (Machine beeps) Dad? I'm so sorry that you're here, mate.
I feel a bit responsible.
And I'm sorry I gave you shit about the pool too.
I mean, it's not going to get finished, let's face it, but I shouldn't have said anything.
And I'm just generally sorry for being a bit of a dickhead all the time.
Movies Carwash isn't going to happen now.
There's a technical thing with the screens.
You can't see 'em, so Um But, Dad, I promise that if .
.
if you pull through, I'll come and work for you.
You know, I'll do anything you want me to do for the business.
Just like you always wanted, Dad.
I can work for you.
(Crying) Because I love you, Dad.
(Breathes deeply) Dad? (Sighs, laughs) Hey, mate.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going? Yeah, yeah, better now, you know.
Yeah.
You should have told me.
OK, look Meeting her on the plane, inviting her round so we could talk.
Look at you playing cupid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ahh! Hey, look, now's obviously not the right time, but, um do you think you could put in a good word for me? With Cora? She likes you.
She'll listen to you.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, mate.
I appreciate it.
No problem.
Thanks.
Be nice.
Yeah.
You OK, sweetheart? (Laughs) (Continues laughing) What's so funny? You.
I've finally got ya.
I heard every word.
You're coming to work for me.
He told me he loved me.
What? No I didn't.
He he said if I got through this, he was coming to work for the business and he was gonna do whatever I wanted him to do.
No, you were dreaming, Dad.
You've had He's had one of those near-death thingies.
Sean.
What? He's hearing things! You're you're unbelievable.
Let me lie there while you cooked those stupid prawns.
Actually, they are fantastic.
You should try one.
Terry, stop eating them, mate.
You're going to eat them all.
I already have.
What? Well, you said you didn't want one.
I didn't then.
I was sad.
I was saving them for when we'd all be happy.
I gave them to Irene.
Who? A Russian nurse.
I didn't go through all this and have Dad have a heart attack so a Russian nurse could eat my prawns.
You can't have this one.
I've already licked it.
So he asked you to put in a good word for him? I don't know.
I guess today's probably not the best day to be talking about all this stuff.
No.
No, of course not.
We can talk about it next week when we go down the coast.
I can't wait to go down the coast.
I should go.
OK.
I'll call you later? Yep.
I'm really glad your Dad's OK.
I'm really glad you were here.
Ooh, you said you loved him! (Laughs) No! There is no way I said 'I love you'.
You're a bloody liar.
You want to talk about liars, what about Bridget? She's been lying to us for years about her husband's gayness.
Dan told me everything.
What?! Is Roger a fag? Big time.
Sean, shut up.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Look, they've cut the bloody thing! (Phone rings) Look, they've cut it in half! Hello? WOMAN: Hi, Daniel.
Merry Christmas.
It's Hilary here.
Do you have a second to chat? Sorry, who is it? Hilary.
AP Press? Oh, right.
Hi, Hilary.
Good news.
Our first candidate hasn't worked out, and you're the next pick.
Congratulations.
The job's yours.
Oh, OK.
So I need you back in London by the end of the week at the latest.
I've put you on a flight # MUSIC This is Elliott.
What, you got back problems? Nah, just exerted myself a little too much in the heat of the moment.
Peggy, she doesn't want a bar of you.
Just call her and call her, and just keep calling her until your fingers bleed.
Jesus, Terry.
Thanks for that.
That's really lovely.
You got kids, Elliott? Oh, big time.
Both eight.
Twins, eh? No, not twins.
Born two weeks apart.