A.P. Bio (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

Dating Toledoans

1 - [CLOCK TICKING] - [DOOR OPENS] All right, everybody, let's go ahead and start to shut up.
We're gonna jump right in on the one subject that brings me a little bit of joy in Toledo where I find myself currently trapped Taking down my rival Miles.
Now, I had a pretty good idea.
I was thinking maybe we could hack into his Tesla.
How hard would that be? I know it's possible.
You think you guys could do that, or are you guys the kinda nerds that are good at computers, or are you the kinda nerds that smell bad and wear capes? [OVERLAPPING DISCUSSIONS] [PHONE CHIMES] Uh, you know what? Let's go ahead a pin in that, because a cute girl who actually meets my standards has swiped right on me.
I don't know if you guys know what that means, but basically, it just means that it's it's bang time.
Is it going to be happening here in front of us? No, Anthony, it's not gonna be happening in front of you, you little freak! No, we're gonna go get a drink.
Guys, gotta say I got a really good feeling about this one.
Can I get a "get some"? Get some! That's my girl! All right! Um see ya, dudes.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] [RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"] One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time well I'll be smart Now boarding for New York city.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] [SQUEAKING] - [RATTLING SOUND] - [INCREASED SQUEAKING] [SOUNDS STOP] - Whoo! - [LAUGHTER] If it's on my license, you know, they're not gonna want to save me.
- No.
- They're gonna wanna - harvest my organs.
- Yes! That's what they want, they want my organs.
Yes, exactly.
And I am not gonna die on the table so some drunk slob can get my liver.
No, no, no.
No, that's not fair.
- No! - You should have your liver.
It's very good.
It's pristine.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Nice So, you wanna head up to your place? I really like you, Jack.
I just I just wanna get to know you a little bit better.
Yeah, sure.
More dates.
I'm around.
Cool.
Good night.
Good night.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Wake up.
We're in Toledo.
Time to go to work.
Now boarding for Cleveland [CLOWN GROANS] Okeydokey, Principal Durbin.
Here are your daily announcements.
- Thank you, Helen.
- You're welcome.
Betty bought butter but the butter was bitter, so Betty bought better butter to make the bitter butter better.
Ah.
The Magazine Drive ends Friday.
[PHONE CHIMES] O kay.
Oh! Oh! Text from Jack.
"Running late.
Can you cover for me, bud?" Called me bud.
Helen, you gotta do the announcements just this one time, okay? Oh, no, I can't do that.
I get way too nervous.
I-I was in my cousin's wedding, and if you've never fainted mouth-first onto a candle it was a nightmare.
I-I actually ate fire.
No, I can't I can't do that.
Just read off the paper.
It'll be fine, okay? - It'll be so easy.
- [DOOR CLOSES] [LOW CHATTER] Jack! You look really bad.
Yeah.
Had a bit of a rough one last night.
- I had a date in New York.
- Again? "Ooh, look at me.
I'm Jack.
I'm too good for Toledo women.
" - [LAUGHTER] - Well I'm glad you understand.
Look, maybe taking a bus to New York isn't ideal, but it's worth it to date a woman who doesn't believe in angels.
- They're watching over us.
- They help us.
- Don't hate on an - You know what? Wouldn't it be easier to just come to the bar with us tonight? - Come on.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah, sure, maybe I should just go ahead and alienate all of my core principles and date in Toledo.
While I'm at it, maybe I can eat pie on the toilet.
- I've done that.
- Okay, see, - don't disrespect pie.
- That's disgusting! [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] [SOFTLY] Good morning, Whitlock High.
It's your daily announcements.
[BELCHES] It's Meatloaf Day in the cafeteria.
There will be a vegetarian option.
Too bad there's not an edible option.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Creamed spinach will also be served.
And for dessert Violent illness.
[LAUGHING] - Salmonella pie.
- Oh! [LAUGHTER] The green apple two-trot.
[LAUGHTER] That's funny.
That Okay.
And now, a special guest to make your morning announcement.
[AS COACH] This is Coach Novak.
There's gonna be immediate suspension if anybody's gawking at pornography.
Ha ha.
She's really bustin' my chops.
[LAUGHTER] Hey, guys, this was a real kick.
Don't tell anybody that I, you know, went over my Aah! - Oh! - [LAUGHTER] Wow.
I always thought announcements were a way to impart vital information, but I guess what people like more are dumb stupid dumb jokes.
Okay, everybody, I'm here.
Thank you so much for covering.
I really appreciate it.
You're the best.
Best? The best at what? He is an odd little duck.
- So, did you get some? - Did I get some? Oh, my God, Heather, thank you for asking, but, no, I did not get any.
I been commuting to New York to go on dates, which is a little bit complicated, to say the least.
But now, for practical reasons, I find myself considering dating in Toledo.
Uh, at the risk of being contrary, haven't you already dated in Toledo? Doesn't your high school ex-girlfriend live here? Oh, look.
It's you.
Wonderful.
Good to see you, Marcus.
Yes.
Meredith is the exception, you know.
But there's always gonna be an exception.
You see, sophisticated New York women, they're really more my type.
You guys know what type is, right? Victor, what's your type? - Huh? - Your type.
Who would you wanna get with? Like if I could marry anyone? [LAUGHS] Yeah, sure, man.
Whatever.
Just say who it is.
- I don't wanna say.
- Why not? Oh is it something weird? Is it like somebody - in your family? - No! Is it a big doll? You could just say who it is, or I could just keep guessing.
[WHISPERS] Is it your sister? - It's her.
- Oh.
Cool.
It's somebody who's in the room.
That's great.
We can follow up.
Grace, do you like Victor? - No! That's too bad.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] But you know what, it's gotta feel good to get that off your chest, clear that up.
All right, guys.
Good job, everybody.
See ya tomorrow.
Grace[CLICKS TONGUE] Good job today.
Success! [UPBEAT PERCUSSION] Oh, look who showed up.
Yeah, well, it was either this or a 15-hour bus ride to Long Island, so it was a toss-up.
Mm-hmm.
What the hell are you wearing? I'm sorry did you just come back from court? Yes.
And the judge ruled I look awesome.
- Ah! - [LAUGHING] Well, we're glad you came.
- What are you guys drinkin'? - Oh, I'm not.
You don't wanna see me drink.
I get really emotional and clean out my purse.
- It's nuts.
- Oh, well, that was a long way around "no, thank you.
" - Yeah, she does that.
- [CHUCKLES] So, Jack, here's what we're talking about.
Now, I'm looking to catch a financially stable man for a casual yet respectable situationship.
- Hmm.
- And Mary over here is looking for a scuzzy little liar.
Oh, you always hated Mark.
Well, he stole your computer.
- He's fixing the viruses.
- No, he's not.
I'll tell you what kind of guy I like.
My husband Keith.
He's so good to me.
He planted me a secret garden.
I don't know what's in there.
I think it's tomatoes! - Ha ha ha ha.
- So what are you - looking for, Jack? - Well this one over by the bar seems acceptable to me.
- Oh, she's acceptable.
- Oh, yes.
- She will serve my needs nicely.
- Her parents must be so proud.
Stop it, I mean, no, she's she's cute.
That's our yoga teacher Vicky.
- Ah.
- Okay, we'll go grease the runway, but you have to land the plane.
Uh I think I got it.
- Okay - [JACK CHUCKLES] Yeah.
I, uh had sex with the Head of Women's Studies, so I think I can handle Yoga Vicky, right? Ah This is who we were talking about.
Jack is so smart and has so many sweaters So, Jack, we're gonna go grab another drink.
Will you keep our friend Vicky company? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
Hi, Jack.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you too.
It's, uh always nice to meet new people.
I just moved here from Cambridge.
That's where Harvard is.
I taught there.
At Harvard.
I was a philosophy professor, so - Okay.
- At Harvard.
It's a prestigious university in the Northeast.
I know.
Oh I have a work emergency.
Oh, a yoga emergency? Michelle told me where you work.
Well, then you know what this is.
[ROCK MUSIC] [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] Morning, boss! Want a little touch-up before we Dennis, roll it.
I got a new take.
Okay Ahh.
Yeah.
Good mornin', Whitlock High! Here's the morning announcements in your face! - [AIR HORN BLOWS] - Ooh! Guess what's for lunch today.
Pizza! With a side order of hepatitis A.
Ha ha.
Cafeteria food.
Sucks! Right? You know who else has hepatitis A? Jeremy Jones.
[EXHALES] Jeremy will be spending some time at Children's Hospital, so everybody sign the big card.
We love you, Jeremy.
Oh! My God, a huge celebrity just dropped by.
[PAPER RUSTLING] Yo, whazzup? It's Snoop Da-zoggy Dogg! Get your tickets - to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
- What? I think that's blackface.
Ah, l What ya thinkin', chief? Uh, thanks for asking.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Last night, I opened myself up to dating Toledo women.
You clean up? [SCOFFS] One would think.
Uh, no, you know what? I I came up empty all night.
You know, I have devoted my entire life to studying logic and reason, but this this night made me question everything.
Truly.
I-I-I just I don't know what went wrong.
You probably talked about Harvard - and philosophy too much.
- Sarika you may have stumbled onto something there.
Mm-hmm.
You're saying that it was too in their face how much better I was than them.
That wasn't really - what I - A preemptive self-rejection.
An interesting concept, and I think we should get it on its feet.
Victor.
[WHINING] Please, no more Is that why you've never confessed your secret crush on Grace? Because you're afraid that she's going to reject you.
You think that you are beneath her.
[WHISPERING] Please wake up.
- Please wake up.
- Grace, do you think you could ever be into Victor? - What's wrong with him? - I don't want to say.
Oh.
You don't wanna say.
Maybe it's you that's into weird stuff.
- Maybe I should start guessing - I have a secret boyfriend.
- Is it me? - It's not a secret - to the boyfriend.
- Okay, this is good.
Yeah, no, okay, so, um, Grace, who is the lucky guy? [TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] It's Marcus.
My best friend? - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] - [STUDENTS MURMURING] Okay.
Well, this has been a surprisingly productive class.
Thank you, Grace.
Thank you, Victor.
This has been very helpful for me.
Good work.
- [MICHELLE LAUGHS] - Did you make that at home? - Yeah, girl.
- I might have to - sneak in there.
- Hey, guys.
Okay, so I think you were right.
I misplayed it last night.
Oh ya think? I get it, I get it.
I hashed it out with my students, and I realized with my Harvard pedigree, I was like a Grace in a bar full of Victors.
But I get it now.
Let's get back in there and let's get after it.
I need you guys to wing me.
- Let's go.
- You gonna take our advice? Yes! What was it again? Just be normal.
Right.
Just normal.
Why are you saying it weird? Jack, it's "nermal.
" Oh, my God, now I can't say it either.
Sorry, Jack, it's a no.
How 'bout this.
I'll buy drinks all night.
- Good answer! - Here we go.
- Good answer, good answer.
- Normal.
[EXHALES] Thank God I got it back.
Whew! [POP MUSIC] Ooh.
Now, there's a sturdy one, looking like he could mow his lawn in a tornado.
Well, you better give it up for these pear-shaped men - lookin' just like they mamas.
- Mmm Hey, hey.
What do you guys think? - Took your advice.
- You know, mm-mm, I'm sorry, I forgot, ladies.
Was our advice to make him look like a cell phone salesman from the mall kiosk? Ha ha ha ha.
No, no, no.
This is so the Toledo women will not be intimidated by me.
Oh, so you think this is what's normal here? Yep.
Tonight I'm just normal old Toledo Jack.
Oh, waiter? Yeah.
Can I get a plate of cheese fries and any kind of a beer that's got a landscape on the can.
Let's do this! [INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] All right, guys, ready to set me up? Grease the runway? No, no, no, no, no, Toledo Jack.
We wants no parts - of whatever is happening here.
- Right.
But do leave your tab open thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go.
- Good luck.
- Watch him leave.
Look Look at it.
Look at his belt.
Ah man.
Feels good to sit down.
Can I buy you a drink? Sure, I'll I'll have another house wine.
Great.
Another house wine, please.
Yeah, so Isis.
Don't those guys drive you nuts? - [SMALL LAUGH] - You know, for me, it's like, ah, God, stop, you know? You make me sick.
Yeah.
Isis isn't great.
Yeah.
No.
It's like, you know [BACKGROUND CHATTER, MUSIC PLAYING] Ahh hey.
Are you, uh, an organ donor? - Yeah, of course.
- Of course you are.
Me too.
I would love to be able to you know, donate my I mean, I don't wanna die, but if I did, I wanna give some kid the gift of sight, you know? Maybe I would get to see the world through a child's eyes again.
Is that how it works? I don't know.
I'm just some normal guy.
I don't read much.
[SMALL LAUGH] [ROCK MUSIC] - I love gin juice - That is funny.
Drivin' in my car Gin juice Is there anything that I can do before I go? No, uh, Helen, I think you've done enough.
- Ralph, is there something - Could you close the door? Can you do that, Helen? Can you close the door? Or is that too simple? Do you need to put like a fun spin on it.
Or can I have.
The door.
Closed.
Which is all I ever wanted? See how easy that was? - Oh, no.
- Excellent.
I'm doing this! - This place sucks.
- Please.
Did you think that wearing a golf shirt and talking about organ donors would work? You know what I think? I think you're afraid you'll meet someone and like Toledo.
Ooh! Michelle, comin' through with the realness.
Yes, and you know what? And while you're "slumming" it - with the commoners - Here we go.
You're missing out on some fabulous women.
- Okay? - Truth bomb.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION] All right, well, thank you for the therapy, buds, I appreciate it, but I'm done with this place.
Oh, stay! We're gonna get some fire wings and do pucker shots.
Plus, Michelle is drinking, and so we might need a white man to talk to the cops.
Well, this was fun, but I think I'm gonna - close out my tab.
Sorry, guys.
- Oh Hey, can I close out, please? Thanks.
Not a single imported beer.
God, I forgot I'm in Garbage City.
It's actually Glass City.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Yeah, no thanks.
I'm good.
I don't need to update my cell phone plan.
Oh, no, no, these clothes I'm doing a social experiment.
I'm actually just in town for a brief stint.
I'm taking a break from Harvard.
- Oh.
- Yeah, you know what? [LAUGHS] Forget that.
I-I'm Jack.
I take it you're not from around here either? Chloe.
From Baltimore.
Yeah, I can see that you enjoy this city about as much as I do.
- It's the worst.
- Yeah.
Oh, don't even try getting decent sushi.
- What? - It's impossible.
You know what I worry about? I worry about the doctors.
I mean, if you're actually good at surgery, what are you doing here? I mean, how did you not move to Chicago? Well, at least the people are amazing.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, right? I mean like that guy over there with his gut hanging out? He just invited me to his summer home in Provence.
- Oh! You gonna go? - Oh, I have to.
- I think you should.
- How do you turn that down? Check this out.
See da Vinci over there? Yeah, he just invited me to check out this crazy new invention that he's never even tried called "a fork.
" We shouldn't be too hard on this place.
- No.
- Right? I mean, after all, there is a table of scientists right over there.
- [GASPS] Really? - Yeah.
Ugh! They're brilliant.
Booyah! These shots are not gonna drink themselves.
[WOMEN CHEERING] Hey, you wanna get outta here before the dumb rubs off on us? [WOMEN LAUGHING] Uh, uh I think they're just having fun.
And, uh, actually, they're friends of mine.
Right! My friend is here too.
Right over there.
She's the lady that brought her newborn to the bar.
Busties! Yeah, first of all, you really know how to run a joke into the ground.
Secondly, I wasn't kidding.
They really are friends of mine.
You know what? No.
I'm gonna keep this open.
Can I get three blue pucker shots, please? Uh, actually make it four.
Also Baltimore It's a third-rate city.
It sucks.
And you have dead women buried in your parks.
- Ladies, some shots.
- Hey! It looks like you were making it happen with that one.
What'd you mess up this time? Who knows? But it looked like you guys were having more fun over here, so I figured I join you - and stay.
- Okay! - All right! - Hey, hey! - Mm.
- Yeah! Tornado Dance! - Yeah - Uh excuse you? - Yeah? - No, no, no, no, no.
Sorry.
Sorry, that's on us.
It's not worth it, girl, it's not worth it.
Walk away.
[INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] Oops.
It looks like there's a little lighting issue.
There's a shadow.
You want me to fix that? Yeah, sure, Helen.
Why don't you just - take over the whole production? - I can't take this anymore! What is this about, Ralph? Dennis, a moment.
You really don't know what this is about, do you? Morning announcements were my chance to be the cool guy, to connect with the students, and you took them from me! Oh, Ralph, why would I ever do anything to hurt you? You pulled me up from the gutter.
You're an amazing man.
I would never take the announcements from you.
Well, it's too late.
I'm awake now, Helen.
I thought I had this game cornered, then you came in and did it in a way that I didn't know what possible! - I'm a fraud.
- No.
- You should do them! - Oh! I should do them.
Ha! You think that's what people want? Me runnin' around like a big, dumb goof? I do that crap for my nephew, and he's five.
Forever, if you know what I mean.
Holy crap.
Is that thing on? Oh [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] I don't understand what they see in you.
[CHATTER CONTINUES] Well this is fun! Who, uh, who started all this? - You! - Me? Well, this is already awesome.
- Explain.
- When you revealed that Victor liked Grace, we also found out she had a secret boyfriend, Marcus.
But she was actually protecting her real secret boyfriend, Devin, not realizing Marcus is secretly dating Sarika, who got super-jealous.
So Sarika decided to revenge-date Devin.
But Devin is fluid, so he may actually like me.
And unrelatedly, Colin lost his retainer and is afraid to tell his mom, and no one is talking to anyone, a-and we're drowning! Colin, you need to just tell your mom.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - Okay, hey, guys, guys, guys.
Wow! You are being [LAUGHS] far too dramatic.
I mean, don't you realize how meaningless these little teenage crushes are? Come on, only adult romances actually mean anything.
Look, the point is, you should all just be focused on your friendships.
Don't worry about all this petty dating stuff.
Okay? You should all be downing shots together and doing dances based on natural disasters, you know? Leave all this other crap behind, you know? Otherwise, you're just gonna be stuck in Toledo goin' it alone.
Look, you're gonna have your whole lives to worry about dating, 'kay? Right now, honestly, you should probably just be focused [LAUGHS] on masturbating.
You guys all masturbate, right? Yeah? Show of hands real quick.
Oh, no [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Yeah, that's tough.
That's tough.
I noticed you weren't entangled in any of the love triangles.
You prefer to stay above the fray.
I don't mess with this kid stuff.
I'm looking for a real woman.
Oh, [BLEEP].