A.P. Bio (2017) s02e07 Episode Script
Personal Everest
1 All right, sit down, everybody.
Start to shut up.
I [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
A little history lesson for you.
Thousands and thousands of people have died trying to climb Mount Everest, but I refuse to give my life to that bitch.
- Hmm.
- Oh, no! - Did I swear again? - [LAUGHTER.]
Sometimes your only friend is the howling of the wind.
Is that Greg Miller? You actually liking this? Yas, queen.
Get right.
He had his frostbit toe amputated.
Mm-hmm, on the side of a dang mountain.
With a steak knife.
Get right, queen.
- [LAUGHS.]
- What? Anyway, my buddy Iceman, he hands me my severed toe.
It's dripping with blood.
And I I whisper to her.
I say, "One day, you and me, girl, we are gonna climb to the summit.
" And guess what, folks? Three years later, that's exactly what we did! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Now, I've got a special guest here I wanna introduce you to.
Oh! Guess what's in here? My big toe.
Here she is.
This toe means everything to me.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Weird.
It reminds me that nothing's gonna stop my ass.
Whitlock, you wanna see this toe? No.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Huh? I'm afraid you're gonna have to earn it.
Now, Greg is gonna be here all week helping each of you achieve a personal goal.
- Your own personal Everest.
- Ooh.
And so to all the losers out there, all the weak, bullied, people that look in the mirror and don't like what they see I was you.
We're gonna get there.
And on Friday when you summit, I'm gonna show you the toe! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I was defeated, but now I am "vic-toe-rious.
" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Stop it, stop it, stop it! This guy sucks.
Are you crazy? Don't block my clap.
Yes, he's the worst.
[CHEERING.]
- Yeah! - One, two, three, four! Next time, I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart All right, everyone sit down and shut up.
There will be no Everesting in this class, okay? And anyone who plays this dumb Neanderthal's game gets an immediate F.
You don't think it's impressive that he climbed the world's tallest mountain with only nine toes? Uh, you know what, Sarika? No, I don't think it's impressive.
Actually, I find it a little bit easier.
Did you guys realize that Everest isn't even the hardest Himalayan peak? That's probably why he picked it.
You know, 'cause K2 is way harder.
Actually, he did K2 last year.
Did he? Damn it, did he, though? - Did he? - Yeah.
And whose side are you guys on, anyway? M Mine or Greg's? - ALL: Greg's.
- Greg's? All right, give me the shirts, you patsies.
They're going in the dump.
Oh, jeez, are we out of bananas? Oh, sorry, Dave.
Ah, it's fine.
Wait, why did you say sorry? Do you think a man would apologize for taking the last community banana? Women apologize way more.
Our Everest should be the mountain of sexism - we face every damn day.
- Yes.
Preach.
You know, I've got to stop saying sorry.
That's gonna be my Everest.
Preach it.
I'm sick of yielding to every man whenever I walk down the hallway.
No more getting stuck in between the vending machines waiting for the hallway to clear out.
[CHUCKLES.]
I never yield.
I'm like a bull in a glass plate shop.
- China shop? - I try to be woke.
Racially.
Okay.
- Oh, no more bananas, huh? - Oh, sorry, Ralph - Do not now.
- I I ate the last You better stop.
- Take an apple, bitch.
- Okay, let's guys, let's remember to be respectful.
Uh, we are not guys.
We are ladies.
I'm just gonna cut my losses here.
You know what? Y'all inspire me.
As strong women, we need to take care of ourselves.
The last time I truly spoiled myself was at Sandals Resort, Jamaica.
And if I cannot go there, it's got to come to me.
That's my Everest, me.
You know, I'm tired of the inequality and women making way less than men.
Oh, I mean, I'm even more way less, 'cause I haven't had a raise in 15 years.
Excuse me? That's a no.
- You have got to demand a raise.
- I do? - Yeah.
- Yes, you go, girl.
- I'm fired up already.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- Go get you it, baby.
- Hop off that sofa.
I gotta rock it.
I gotta rock it up.
- [GROANS.]
- Pop off it.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Jack? Jack Griffin.
It's Greg Miller.
Uh, wow.
Have we met? Uh, yeah.
I used to call you Pimple Butt Jack.
Remember that? "PBJ, PBJ?" Uh, that's that is not my name.
Well, I heard you blew it at Harvard and had to move back home.
Meanwhile, I'm raking it in convincing these losers that they're winners.
Joke is, they are losers, just like you, Pimple Butt.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
You know, it's funny, you kinda sound like an idiot right now 'cause I don't have pimples on my butt.
That was a lie you made up in tenth grade.
Oh, so what do you want to do, prove it to me by showing me your butt? I don't think so.
I don't wanna show you my butt.
I'm gonna go wash up somewhere else.
- I didn't say that.
- That's not my scene.
- What are you - Bye-bye.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
You know, if you tell anybody about this I know, I get an F.
No, no, no, no.
You get a murder.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[BELL RINGING.]
You can do this.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[THUDS.]
[GROANS.]
Wh Whoa, excuse me.
I I'm actually I'm I Yeah, okay.
Right.
Excuse me.
Can I just can I can you I had my You know what? This actually works out.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
I'm worried about Mr.
Griffin.
Why? He's always late.
Guys, Mr.
Griffin is hiding from his bully.
That Everest dude called him Pimple Butt when they went to Whitlock.
He almost made Mr.
Griffin cry in the bathroom, - and I felt so bad - Damn it! Vic Victor, what did I say, man? [GROANS.]
Your rage makes more sense now.
Mm-hmm.
- You were a nerd too.
- No, stop, okay? Everybody just chill out.
I wasn't bullied.
I wasn't a nerd.
This isn't one of those things where you guys find out, "Oh, Mr.
Griffin's just like me.
" Lots of us are in denial too.
Guys, stop, okay? I hate Greg because he's a liar.
It's as simple as that, okay? He he constantly spread lies in high school.
- About your pimple butt? - No, not about my pimple butt.
I don't have a p guys, there's no pimples on my butt.
There never were.
Look, the guy's a liar.
He was lying then, and I bet you he's lying now.
I bet you he didn't even climb Everest.
And you know what? I'm gonna prove it.
We're gonna help you, Chief, because you were bullied.
Okay, well then don't help, because I wasn't, all right? If you want to help, help because you hate Greg.
What if we don't say why we're helping? Yeah, all right, fine.
That's good enough.
Well, I was the most popular donor there at the clinic, so, you know, the odds of these lovebirds being related is very high.
Oh, I gotta call you back.
You can't keep stalling.
- It's go time, girl.
- Oh, no kidding.
I gotta stop a wedding this weekend.
No, Helen, it's time to go get that money.
- Let's go! - Oh, not today.
No, it's not a good time.
No, no.
- Cut the crap, Durb.
- What what crap? You need to give Helen a raise.
Oh, yes, ab absolutely.
I would love to.
Oh.
Well, now, see, this is what happens when strong women - come together.
- Yes, we cannot be stopped.
- Let's go! - Oh.
Mm.
I'd apologize, but that was not my fault.
That's was the dab's fault, Durb.
- You gotta stop dabbing.
- But it's who I am.
It's aggressive.
You were woman, and we heard you roar.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I don't want a raise.
The school needs the money much more than I do.
I just got all jacked up because everyone was being all empowering and it was fun, that's all, so disregard.
I put the money aside every year.
I want you to get this raise.
Th the students want you to get this raise.
My mother wants you to get this raise.
Tell Debbie to mind her own business.
Okay, well, Debbie Durbin doesn't mind her own business, and neither does her son Dennis Durbin, and neither does Dennis' brother Ralph.
So, Helen, take the GD raise.
Okay, I'll take the raise when I'm dead and stupid! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [GROANS.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I've got him.
I have got him.
So why don't you guys go ahead and prepare to lift me on your bony little shoulders in triumph? This is a manifest that I received after a very long, very, very flirty conversation with Ditya at the, uh, Nepalese embassy, and this shows every single person who climbed Everest in 2015.
That's the year that Greg supposedly summited.
And guess what, my little cornichons? He's not on the list.
He's a liar.
You guys are staring at me.
What's going on? So we got all the yearbooks Greg was in, and you were right.
He's a liar.
He wasn't weak.
He actually took really good care of himself.
Yep, he's a liar.
You also said you weren't a nerd, and there's a lot of evidence to the contrary.
Uh, we saw that you were in band and that you played oboe.
- Uh-huh.
- I play oboe.
We're o-bros.
Also, we saw that your senior quote was, "All around the world, statues crumble for me.
" We cross-referenced it because we thought it was a quote from Julius Caesar.
But it's not.
It's from a band called Sugar Ray.
And, Mr.
Griffin, they're not great.
Yeah, no, I know, okay? But at the time, there was this California sound.
It was sweeping the na I don't have to explain myself to you two.
The point is, I've got him.
And over the course of the next half hour, I'm gonna weave a web around him waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.
Toy with my prey.
Howdy, hikers.
I've got you! I've got you! I've got him! He's a liar! You're a liar, and I got ya! Read it and weep, sucker.
It seems that no one named Greg Miller climbed Everest in 2015.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, PBJ.
You wanna know the truth? After I lost my toe in my first attempt to summit, I came home to months of grueling physical therapy.
For a toe? Come on, man.
My beautiful, gorgeous wife stood by my wobbly side as I recovered, and out of that darkness, I decided to legally change my last name to hers, Bouvier, so let me ask you, did a Greg Bouvier climb Mount Everest in 2015? You take a look.
- It checks out.
- Yeah, I bet it does.
You know, those things can easily be forged.
And I I bet you I bet you he never even lost a toe.
Wow.
I really didn't wanna do this but, uh, take a look.
That's us approaching the Lhotse wall, bottom of Everest.
And that is Iceman with the knife.
[KNIFE ZINGS.]
And that's him screaming as the knife cuts through the bone.
[SCREAMS.]
Now, I never screamed.
I didn't cry.
I sure as hell didn't lie about my toe.
[SIGHS.]
Jackie, baby.
You need professional help, my boy.
And I'm the one that's gonna give it to you.
I just talked Durbin into hiring me for a three-day mandatory employee seminar.
That's the big bucks, boy.
Ooh, I cannot wait to get my hands on you, my little pimple butt.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
If you won the lottery or "Price is Right" or "Wheel of Fortune," isn't there a prize you'd wanna win? I mean, there was a time I was very jealous of a woman who won an impact-resistant self-collapsing DuraGuard protected carry-on collection from Visionair.
Oh, Mama, that was traveling in style.
That was sexy.
Helen, you are worth more than some luggage, okay? So please take this check.
Hmm? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[WAVES CRASHING.]
This Sloppy Joe is gross.
LeBron! Uh, hello.
Hi, Dave.
Dang it, Mary.
I gotta go straight to my son's christening after work.
Stay strong.
- Not my problem.
- Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Have a good day, Mary.
That sucked.
I'm shook.
Climbing a mountain's hard, girl, but gotta persevere.
[SLURPING.]
Mmm, hits me right in my teeth.
[BELL RINGS.]
[L7'S "SHOVE".]
[THUDS.]
[THUDS.]
Bill collector called today Shove Get out of my Hey.
Ralph.
You okay, man? I miss the hummingbirds in winter, Jack.
O okay.
Uh, listen, Greg Miller is not who he says he is.
This is a bad guy.
I I disagree, Jack.
We went out for Shock Tops last night.
I I'd never heard of this beer.
Have you seen their logo? It's an orange with a Mohawk.
I looked him up.
His name is Wedgehead.
Look, I've known Greg for 20 years, okay? He is a liar.
He showed me the toe last night.
He was very vulnerable.
I think if you saw it, you would understand him on a deeper level.
Maybe you would join us for Shock Tops.
You know what? Thanks for nothing.
I'll get someone else to help.
And, by the way, just so you know, hummingbirds don't migrate in the winter.
They just die.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Mr.
Bouvier, we just wanna apologize for yesterday.
Well, I'm running late for my closing assembly.
Can you help me with my Everest? My dad always wanted me to be good at tennis, but I'm afraid of the balls.
Please? I don't wanna be weak anymore.
So you guys finally came around.
All right, climber, get your ass to the trailhead.
Let's do this.
What you got? That is badass.
All right, let her rip.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where did you guys get that? [MOTOR WHIRS.]
Come on, stay with it! Whoo! - Ow! - Come on, take it! What are you doing? Come on, Iceman.
- You got this.
- [SCREAMING.]
25,000 feet.
27,000 feet.
29,000 feet.
You did it! That's the summit, bro! - [CLAPPING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Nice work, man.
I was wrong about you.
Oh, my gosh.
That was awesome.
- Oh, that was so cool.
- That is the system in action.
Back-stabbing traitors.
Wow.
Wow.
You know, and to think I was just starting to like you guys, and here you are siding with a bully, the guy who used to tell everybody that I was still breastfeeding on my mom, my hardworking single mother's boobies.
Yeah, he used to he used to take little ketchup packets and he would put a little tear in it, put it on my chair so that when I sat down, it exploded, and he'd be like, "Hey, Jack just had his period.
Check it out, everybody.
" And he'd call me Period Boy Jack, yeah, one of two PBJ nicknames.
That's who you just sided with.
You guys suck.
Boss, the tennis balls were just a distraction so that we could grab this.
We got the toe.
Oh.
My babies.
[LAUGHS.]
My beautiful, sweet babies.
He's gonna freak out when he realizes that this toe is missing.
We gotta make it to that assembly.
Come on, let's go.
I don't wanna miss this.
This is really gross.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Come on.
I'm no stranger to adventure myself.
When I was a gnat's butt older than you, I went on a class-five rapids expedition through the Appalachians with my friend Gale.
I had been trying to convince her to do a gal's trip - in the wilderness - Hey, Greg.
Hey, man, um, listen.
I just wanted to apologize, uh, about what happened the other day.
I'm I'm sorry.
Oh, okay, well, I wanted to tell you something too.
I I heard you lost your mom.
Man, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Bet you're starving.
[SLURPING.]
- Little baby needs his milk.
- Right.
[LAUGHS.]
Now I gotta go inspire these losers, so, uh, I forgive you.
We're good.
Good.
And then the natives, they served me the stew.
And while I was eating 'cause I was hungry I kept asking, "Did you find my friend Gale in the wreckage?" And suddenly I felt a bone in my mouth.
And I understood.
I had eaten my best friend.
Well, without further ado, let's welcome back Greg Miller.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What's going on, Whitlock? Boy, we had some great summits this week, didn't we? I'm so proud of you guys.
Show us the toe! Oh, you wanna jump to it, huh? - I think you deserve it.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
- Let's do this thing.
She might be a little shy.
Let's see how it goes.
You wanna come out and say hi? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This little piggy went to Whitlo My t where's my toe? What the hell? - Somebody stole my toe! - No, no, no, hey.
I just saw it ten minutes ago.
Whitlockians are not thieves.
I'm gonna give everyone a countdown from five to return the toe, okay? Counting down.
Five, four it's okay.
Three - It's not okay.
- Two, one.
Okay, another five starting now.
- Five, four - You dumb inbred dog turds! - [LAUGHING.]
- You're trying to rattle me? I climbed Everest, okay? You think you're better than that, bitch? Your Everests were the worst I've ever heard.
You got "do more footbaths" over here.
What the hell is that? And your quarterback has a broken leg.
Okay, I don't know about you, but I like quarterbacks who can actually run, not walk around on crutches.
[BOOING.]
My toe! My toe! [BOOING.]
Don't let the door hit you! [LAUGHS.]
[BOOING.]
You broke a bad, bad man today, my little cherubs.
We had to.
He was your bully, boss.
Mr.
G, you know what? I feel one of our hugs coming on.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [GROANS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, what what are you guys doing there? Come on, this is just a me-and-Anthony thing.
Come on, guys.
Ah, a lot of teenage smells happening.
[LAUGHS.]
Helen Henry Demarcus, come on down.
You've won the impact-resistant self-collapsing DuraGuard-protected carry-on collection from Visionair! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, but you can't touch unless you agree to take the luggage and a raise.
Oh, can I just have those three beautiful little bags? Nope.
- Okay, I agree.
- Have at 'em.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, they're beautiful.
I wanna hug them so much.
Oh!
Start to shut up.
I [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
A little history lesson for you.
Thousands and thousands of people have died trying to climb Mount Everest, but I refuse to give my life to that bitch.
- Hmm.
- Oh, no! - Did I swear again? - [LAUGHTER.]
Sometimes your only friend is the howling of the wind.
Is that Greg Miller? You actually liking this? Yas, queen.
Get right.
He had his frostbit toe amputated.
Mm-hmm, on the side of a dang mountain.
With a steak knife.
Get right, queen.
- [LAUGHS.]
- What? Anyway, my buddy Iceman, he hands me my severed toe.
It's dripping with blood.
And I I whisper to her.
I say, "One day, you and me, girl, we are gonna climb to the summit.
" And guess what, folks? Three years later, that's exactly what we did! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Now, I've got a special guest here I wanna introduce you to.
Oh! Guess what's in here? My big toe.
Here she is.
This toe means everything to me.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Weird.
It reminds me that nothing's gonna stop my ass.
Whitlock, you wanna see this toe? No.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Huh? I'm afraid you're gonna have to earn it.
Now, Greg is gonna be here all week helping each of you achieve a personal goal.
- Your own personal Everest.
- Ooh.
And so to all the losers out there, all the weak, bullied, people that look in the mirror and don't like what they see I was you.
We're gonna get there.
And on Friday when you summit, I'm gonna show you the toe! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I was defeated, but now I am "vic-toe-rious.
" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Stop it, stop it, stop it! This guy sucks.
Are you crazy? Don't block my clap.
Yes, he's the worst.
[CHEERING.]
- Yeah! - One, two, three, four! Next time, I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart All right, everyone sit down and shut up.
There will be no Everesting in this class, okay? And anyone who plays this dumb Neanderthal's game gets an immediate F.
You don't think it's impressive that he climbed the world's tallest mountain with only nine toes? Uh, you know what, Sarika? No, I don't think it's impressive.
Actually, I find it a little bit easier.
Did you guys realize that Everest isn't even the hardest Himalayan peak? That's probably why he picked it.
You know, 'cause K2 is way harder.
Actually, he did K2 last year.
Did he? Damn it, did he, though? - Did he? - Yeah.
And whose side are you guys on, anyway? M Mine or Greg's? - ALL: Greg's.
- Greg's? All right, give me the shirts, you patsies.
They're going in the dump.
Oh, jeez, are we out of bananas? Oh, sorry, Dave.
Ah, it's fine.
Wait, why did you say sorry? Do you think a man would apologize for taking the last community banana? Women apologize way more.
Our Everest should be the mountain of sexism - we face every damn day.
- Yes.
Preach.
You know, I've got to stop saying sorry.
That's gonna be my Everest.
Preach it.
I'm sick of yielding to every man whenever I walk down the hallway.
No more getting stuck in between the vending machines waiting for the hallway to clear out.
[CHUCKLES.]
I never yield.
I'm like a bull in a glass plate shop.
- China shop? - I try to be woke.
Racially.
Okay.
- Oh, no more bananas, huh? - Oh, sorry, Ralph - Do not now.
- I I ate the last You better stop.
- Take an apple, bitch.
- Okay, let's guys, let's remember to be respectful.
Uh, we are not guys.
We are ladies.
I'm just gonna cut my losses here.
You know what? Y'all inspire me.
As strong women, we need to take care of ourselves.
The last time I truly spoiled myself was at Sandals Resort, Jamaica.
And if I cannot go there, it's got to come to me.
That's my Everest, me.
You know, I'm tired of the inequality and women making way less than men.
Oh, I mean, I'm even more way less, 'cause I haven't had a raise in 15 years.
Excuse me? That's a no.
- You have got to demand a raise.
- I do? - Yeah.
- Yes, you go, girl.
- I'm fired up already.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- Go get you it, baby.
- Hop off that sofa.
I gotta rock it.
I gotta rock it up.
- [GROANS.]
- Pop off it.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Jack? Jack Griffin.
It's Greg Miller.
Uh, wow.
Have we met? Uh, yeah.
I used to call you Pimple Butt Jack.
Remember that? "PBJ, PBJ?" Uh, that's that is not my name.
Well, I heard you blew it at Harvard and had to move back home.
Meanwhile, I'm raking it in convincing these losers that they're winners.
Joke is, they are losers, just like you, Pimple Butt.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
You know, it's funny, you kinda sound like an idiot right now 'cause I don't have pimples on my butt.
That was a lie you made up in tenth grade.
Oh, so what do you want to do, prove it to me by showing me your butt? I don't think so.
I don't wanna show you my butt.
I'm gonna go wash up somewhere else.
- I didn't say that.
- That's not my scene.
- What are you - Bye-bye.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
You know, if you tell anybody about this I know, I get an F.
No, no, no, no.
You get a murder.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[BELL RINGING.]
You can do this.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[THUDS.]
[GROANS.]
Wh Whoa, excuse me.
I I'm actually I'm I Yeah, okay.
Right.
Excuse me.
Can I just can I can you I had my You know what? This actually works out.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
I'm worried about Mr.
Griffin.
Why? He's always late.
Guys, Mr.
Griffin is hiding from his bully.
That Everest dude called him Pimple Butt when they went to Whitlock.
He almost made Mr.
Griffin cry in the bathroom, - and I felt so bad - Damn it! Vic Victor, what did I say, man? [GROANS.]
Your rage makes more sense now.
Mm-hmm.
- You were a nerd too.
- No, stop, okay? Everybody just chill out.
I wasn't bullied.
I wasn't a nerd.
This isn't one of those things where you guys find out, "Oh, Mr.
Griffin's just like me.
" Lots of us are in denial too.
Guys, stop, okay? I hate Greg because he's a liar.
It's as simple as that, okay? He he constantly spread lies in high school.
- About your pimple butt? - No, not about my pimple butt.
I don't have a p guys, there's no pimples on my butt.
There never were.
Look, the guy's a liar.
He was lying then, and I bet you he's lying now.
I bet you he didn't even climb Everest.
And you know what? I'm gonna prove it.
We're gonna help you, Chief, because you were bullied.
Okay, well then don't help, because I wasn't, all right? If you want to help, help because you hate Greg.
What if we don't say why we're helping? Yeah, all right, fine.
That's good enough.
Well, I was the most popular donor there at the clinic, so, you know, the odds of these lovebirds being related is very high.
Oh, I gotta call you back.
You can't keep stalling.
- It's go time, girl.
- Oh, no kidding.
I gotta stop a wedding this weekend.
No, Helen, it's time to go get that money.
- Let's go! - Oh, not today.
No, it's not a good time.
No, no.
- Cut the crap, Durb.
- What what crap? You need to give Helen a raise.
Oh, yes, ab absolutely.
I would love to.
Oh.
Well, now, see, this is what happens when strong women - come together.
- Yes, we cannot be stopped.
- Let's go! - Oh.
Mm.
I'd apologize, but that was not my fault.
That's was the dab's fault, Durb.
- You gotta stop dabbing.
- But it's who I am.
It's aggressive.
You were woman, and we heard you roar.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I don't want a raise.
The school needs the money much more than I do.
I just got all jacked up because everyone was being all empowering and it was fun, that's all, so disregard.
I put the money aside every year.
I want you to get this raise.
Th the students want you to get this raise.
My mother wants you to get this raise.
Tell Debbie to mind her own business.
Okay, well, Debbie Durbin doesn't mind her own business, and neither does her son Dennis Durbin, and neither does Dennis' brother Ralph.
So, Helen, take the GD raise.
Okay, I'll take the raise when I'm dead and stupid! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [GROANS.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I've got him.
I have got him.
So why don't you guys go ahead and prepare to lift me on your bony little shoulders in triumph? This is a manifest that I received after a very long, very, very flirty conversation with Ditya at the, uh, Nepalese embassy, and this shows every single person who climbed Everest in 2015.
That's the year that Greg supposedly summited.
And guess what, my little cornichons? He's not on the list.
He's a liar.
You guys are staring at me.
What's going on? So we got all the yearbooks Greg was in, and you were right.
He's a liar.
He wasn't weak.
He actually took really good care of himself.
Yep, he's a liar.
You also said you weren't a nerd, and there's a lot of evidence to the contrary.
Uh, we saw that you were in band and that you played oboe.
- Uh-huh.
- I play oboe.
We're o-bros.
Also, we saw that your senior quote was, "All around the world, statues crumble for me.
" We cross-referenced it because we thought it was a quote from Julius Caesar.
But it's not.
It's from a band called Sugar Ray.
And, Mr.
Griffin, they're not great.
Yeah, no, I know, okay? But at the time, there was this California sound.
It was sweeping the na I don't have to explain myself to you two.
The point is, I've got him.
And over the course of the next half hour, I'm gonna weave a web around him waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.
Toy with my prey.
Howdy, hikers.
I've got you! I've got you! I've got him! He's a liar! You're a liar, and I got ya! Read it and weep, sucker.
It seems that no one named Greg Miller climbed Everest in 2015.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, PBJ.
You wanna know the truth? After I lost my toe in my first attempt to summit, I came home to months of grueling physical therapy.
For a toe? Come on, man.
My beautiful, gorgeous wife stood by my wobbly side as I recovered, and out of that darkness, I decided to legally change my last name to hers, Bouvier, so let me ask you, did a Greg Bouvier climb Mount Everest in 2015? You take a look.
- It checks out.
- Yeah, I bet it does.
You know, those things can easily be forged.
And I I bet you I bet you he never even lost a toe.
Wow.
I really didn't wanna do this but, uh, take a look.
That's us approaching the Lhotse wall, bottom of Everest.
And that is Iceman with the knife.
[KNIFE ZINGS.]
And that's him screaming as the knife cuts through the bone.
[SCREAMS.]
Now, I never screamed.
I didn't cry.
I sure as hell didn't lie about my toe.
[SIGHS.]
Jackie, baby.
You need professional help, my boy.
And I'm the one that's gonna give it to you.
I just talked Durbin into hiring me for a three-day mandatory employee seminar.
That's the big bucks, boy.
Ooh, I cannot wait to get my hands on you, my little pimple butt.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
If you won the lottery or "Price is Right" or "Wheel of Fortune," isn't there a prize you'd wanna win? I mean, there was a time I was very jealous of a woman who won an impact-resistant self-collapsing DuraGuard protected carry-on collection from Visionair.
Oh, Mama, that was traveling in style.
That was sexy.
Helen, you are worth more than some luggage, okay? So please take this check.
Hmm? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[WAVES CRASHING.]
This Sloppy Joe is gross.
LeBron! Uh, hello.
Hi, Dave.
Dang it, Mary.
I gotta go straight to my son's christening after work.
Stay strong.
- Not my problem.
- Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Have a good day, Mary.
That sucked.
I'm shook.
Climbing a mountain's hard, girl, but gotta persevere.
[SLURPING.]
Mmm, hits me right in my teeth.
[BELL RINGS.]
[L7'S "SHOVE".]
[THUDS.]
[THUDS.]
Bill collector called today Shove Get out of my Hey.
Ralph.
You okay, man? I miss the hummingbirds in winter, Jack.
O okay.
Uh, listen, Greg Miller is not who he says he is.
This is a bad guy.
I I disagree, Jack.
We went out for Shock Tops last night.
I I'd never heard of this beer.
Have you seen their logo? It's an orange with a Mohawk.
I looked him up.
His name is Wedgehead.
Look, I've known Greg for 20 years, okay? He is a liar.
He showed me the toe last night.
He was very vulnerable.
I think if you saw it, you would understand him on a deeper level.
Maybe you would join us for Shock Tops.
You know what? Thanks for nothing.
I'll get someone else to help.
And, by the way, just so you know, hummingbirds don't migrate in the winter.
They just die.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Mr.
Bouvier, we just wanna apologize for yesterday.
Well, I'm running late for my closing assembly.
Can you help me with my Everest? My dad always wanted me to be good at tennis, but I'm afraid of the balls.
Please? I don't wanna be weak anymore.
So you guys finally came around.
All right, climber, get your ass to the trailhead.
Let's do this.
What you got? That is badass.
All right, let her rip.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where did you guys get that? [MOTOR WHIRS.]
Come on, stay with it! Whoo! - Ow! - Come on, take it! What are you doing? Come on, Iceman.
- You got this.
- [SCREAMING.]
25,000 feet.
27,000 feet.
29,000 feet.
You did it! That's the summit, bro! - [CLAPPING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Nice work, man.
I was wrong about you.
Oh, my gosh.
That was awesome.
- Oh, that was so cool.
- That is the system in action.
Back-stabbing traitors.
Wow.
Wow.
You know, and to think I was just starting to like you guys, and here you are siding with a bully, the guy who used to tell everybody that I was still breastfeeding on my mom, my hardworking single mother's boobies.
Yeah, he used to he used to take little ketchup packets and he would put a little tear in it, put it on my chair so that when I sat down, it exploded, and he'd be like, "Hey, Jack just had his period.
Check it out, everybody.
" And he'd call me Period Boy Jack, yeah, one of two PBJ nicknames.
That's who you just sided with.
You guys suck.
Boss, the tennis balls were just a distraction so that we could grab this.
We got the toe.
Oh.
My babies.
[LAUGHS.]
My beautiful, sweet babies.
He's gonna freak out when he realizes that this toe is missing.
We gotta make it to that assembly.
Come on, let's go.
I don't wanna miss this.
This is really gross.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Come on.
I'm no stranger to adventure myself.
When I was a gnat's butt older than you, I went on a class-five rapids expedition through the Appalachians with my friend Gale.
I had been trying to convince her to do a gal's trip - in the wilderness - Hey, Greg.
Hey, man, um, listen.
I just wanted to apologize, uh, about what happened the other day.
I'm I'm sorry.
Oh, okay, well, I wanted to tell you something too.
I I heard you lost your mom.
Man, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Bet you're starving.
[SLURPING.]
- Little baby needs his milk.
- Right.
[LAUGHS.]
Now I gotta go inspire these losers, so, uh, I forgive you.
We're good.
Good.
And then the natives, they served me the stew.
And while I was eating 'cause I was hungry I kept asking, "Did you find my friend Gale in the wreckage?" And suddenly I felt a bone in my mouth.
And I understood.
I had eaten my best friend.
Well, without further ado, let's welcome back Greg Miller.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What's going on, Whitlock? Boy, we had some great summits this week, didn't we? I'm so proud of you guys.
Show us the toe! Oh, you wanna jump to it, huh? - I think you deserve it.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
- Let's do this thing.
She might be a little shy.
Let's see how it goes.
You wanna come out and say hi? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This little piggy went to Whitlo My t where's my toe? What the hell? - Somebody stole my toe! - No, no, no, hey.
I just saw it ten minutes ago.
Whitlockians are not thieves.
I'm gonna give everyone a countdown from five to return the toe, okay? Counting down.
Five, four it's okay.
Three - It's not okay.
- Two, one.
Okay, another five starting now.
- Five, four - You dumb inbred dog turds! - [LAUGHING.]
- You're trying to rattle me? I climbed Everest, okay? You think you're better than that, bitch? Your Everests were the worst I've ever heard.
You got "do more footbaths" over here.
What the hell is that? And your quarterback has a broken leg.
Okay, I don't know about you, but I like quarterbacks who can actually run, not walk around on crutches.
[BOOING.]
My toe! My toe! [BOOING.]
Don't let the door hit you! [LAUGHS.]
[BOOING.]
You broke a bad, bad man today, my little cherubs.
We had to.
He was your bully, boss.
Mr.
G, you know what? I feel one of our hugs coming on.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [GROANS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, what what are you guys doing there? Come on, this is just a me-and-Anthony thing.
Come on, guys.
Ah, a lot of teenage smells happening.
[LAUGHS.]
Helen Henry Demarcus, come on down.
You've won the impact-resistant self-collapsing DuraGuard-protected carry-on collection from Visionair! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, but you can't touch unless you agree to take the luggage and a raise.
Oh, can I just have those three beautiful little bags? Nope.
- Okay, I agree.
- Have at 'em.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, they're beautiful.
I wanna hug them so much.
Oh!