A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

The Austere Academy: Part One

1 Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away At school the Baudelaires are forced To live in an old shack Comfort, joy and safety Are among the things they lack They run a lot of laps Which keeps them in fantastic shape But you're the one who ought to take This chance for an escape Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away You probably shouldn't be here.
This is a secret passageway in a restricted area about one third of the way through a dreadful and upsetting story.
My name is Lemony Snicket.
If you've been following the story as closely as some people have, then you know that nobody should be here.
'Cause everything about the Baudelaires' situation is horrible to contemplate.
Everything about the Baudelaires' situation is delightful to contemplate, Mr.
Tamerlane.
If you're interested in stories with a happy ending, - you've come to the right place.
- Mm-hmm.
Not only is there a happy ending, there's a happy beginning and all sorts of happy things in the middle.
It's delightful and educational and it's appropriate for families, a phrase here which means "delightful and educational" It features the three luckiest children, who are darling and precocious, and have only cheerful things happen to them.
It's called A Pony Party, and I can't put it down, Mr.
Tamerlane.
Poe, are you there? - Focus, Poe.
What about the Baudelaires? - Ah, yes, the Baudelaires.
- Put down the book.
- I'll put this down.
Surely, as you recall, from the moment I told the Baudelaires their parents perished in a terrible fire, they've had exciting adventures in all sorts of exotic locales.
From a house full of snakes in the middle of nowhere, to a lake full of leeches in the middle of hurricane season, and for complicated reasons, a lumber mill.
It's unclear why none of the guardians worked out.
The orphans are obsessed with the idea that an actor named Count Olaf is obsessed with them, but they can never agree on what he looks like.
I'm unstoppable! I dropped them off at boarding school, where they'll receive the best education a heavily reduced tuition can buy.
They're the second set of wealthy orphans I've enrolled there.
I'm sure there's no connection.
With the Baudelaires safe at Prufrock Preparatory School, I can assure you this bank's troubles are finally over.
- Prufrock Preparatory School? - Yes, that's the name I just said.
- Jacquelyn? It's my secretary.
- Poe? She must be taking another unplanned sabbatical she swears I've authorized.
What a moron.
Yes, it is hard to find good help, Mr.
Tamerlane.
I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months.
We've been waiting so long, Sunny's starting to look less like a baby and more like a toddler.
We've been tormented by treachery and villainy.
- Child labor and leeches.
- And now, a new school.
Well, the new school hasn't tormented us yet.
Hello, cake-sniffers! - Hello, um - "Um" Are you a blithering idiot? Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats.
I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.
What does "cake-sniffer" mean? It means you're stupid cake-sniffers, but I'm the most special girl in the whole school.
I'm supposed to give you a tour.
This is Vice Principal Nero's office.
He's a genius.
He likes me best.
I don't have to wear a uniform 'cause I'm too adorable.
Come on.
A school should be a safe place.
Brand new season to explore the mysteries around you.
Come on, cake-sniffers.
I don't think it's a compliment.
It should be a place to make new friends.
I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months.
It should be a place of comfort and adventure that feels almost like home, particularly if your actual home has been destroyed in a fire.
But as you and I know, school is hardly ever like that.
- People are looking at us.
- Probably because we're new.
It's because your home was destroyed in a fire.
Like this classroom, the lives of the Baudelaire orphans may appear to be more or less harmless.
But if you insist on watching, you should know the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School.
Like many mottoes, it can be found on a variety of surfaces, from a banner in the school auditorium, to the scoreboard of the athletic field.
This is the athletic field.
Our gym teacher's coaching an away game, so I get to make people do jumping jacks whenever I want.
"Memento mori.
" When you learn what it means, you will understand why this story can have no happy ending, the way no story has a happy ending.
What does "memento mori" mean? Remember, you will die.
Larry, thank you for meeting me on such short notice.
That's a handsome wet suit.
I enjoy scuba diving in the off-season.
What's the mission? You take this to the Baudelaires.
It's been annotated with answers to all their questions.
They'll finally learn everything about our secret organization.
But only if you get it to them.
You can find them at this location.
- Oh.
- You've heard of Prufrock Preparatory? I attended it.
This trip is more than a crucial mission for a secret organization.
- It's a homecoming.
- Good luck with that.
Prufrock Preparatory School Well, well, well.
Remember, you will die.
When you die, you won't think of your family.
You won't think of your friends or your career, or the way the land looks when sun sets behind the mountains.
You'll think of the day we beat another team at sports! Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! - Prufrock! Prufrock! - There's somebody in the road.
Hi.
Uh, my catering truck broke down, and I need to get to Prufrock Preparatory School right away.
I see you brought something to read.
- I never travel without a book.
- Nerd.
Now where were we? Right, the complete annihilation of We must've blown a tire.
I can fix it.
I was Coach of the Year, Berlin, '39.
I'll be back.
Is that a hook? It certainly is.
I'll take that back now.
What will happen to those members of the pep squad you threw off the bus? - That gym teacher was crying.
- So was the driver.
Ah.
That touchy-feely nonsense would never have been tolerated when I went to Prufrock Prep.
Oh, you attended Prufrock Preparatory? I'm impressed.
You should be.
My IQ has been measured in the upper double digits.
This trip is more than just a chance to seize three children and also their enormous fortune.
It's a homecoming.
I don't know what that building is.
I never go in there.
It says, "library.
" Only a cake-sniffer would notice something like that.
It's very clearly designated.
Oh! Hello.
You must be the new students I've heard so much about.
The Baudelaires, right? You shouldn't talk to the library lady, because she smells funny.
Carmelita, always a pleasure.
A library is an island in a vast sea of ignorance.
Particularly if that library is tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
Let's go! Well come visit.
Here's Vice Principal Nero's office, where you were supposed to be ten minutes ago.
You're late.
Ahem.
- Ahem? - Ahem.
- Thank you? - Thank you's not enough.
It is traditional to give a special tour guide a tip at the end.
A tip? Yes, a tip! Are you deaf and blind, cake-sniffer? Who dares to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing? It's the Baudelaires.
They're late for their appointment.
How dare you be late! Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me.
Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way.
- The original owner really liked it.
- Oh.
Whoo! What a lovely girl.
Sweet as a butterscotch buttercup.
She has two living parents.
Well, come in.
I don't have all afternoon.
How do you do? When you hear an incredible performance, it's tradition to clap and cheer and yell "Bravo!" - Yay! - Mmm, bravo.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And welcome, new students.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
My name is Vice Principal Nero, and my second-highest concern is that you uphold the strict standards here at Prufrock.
What's your first-highest concern? My career as a violinist.
I know all about you.
You've been to guardian after guardian, and adversity has always followed.
Adversity means "trouble," by the way.
In our case, adversity means Count Olaf.
He was the cause of all our trouble.
Here at Prufrock Preparatory School, there'll be no blaming your own weaknesses on this Count Olaf person.
This is an advanced computer system.
Cost an arm and a leg.
But I had the AV club program it to recognize the hallmarks of Count Olaf.
One eyebrow, tattoo on ankle.
This is not Count Olaf.
We'll park it outside the school all semester, and you'll be safe as peas.
I'm not sure an advanced computer will do us much good.
- Olaf is usually in disguise - Oh, I shouldn't have bothered.
No way ordinary orphans can understand a genius like me.
Prufrock Prep will take care of that.
Prufrock Preparatory has a magnificent dormitory thanks to a generous grant from our founder, Sir Barrymore Feint.
Inside, there is a huge living room and an ornate cage full of tropical birds who can land on your finger and learn your name.
- Doesn't it look nice? - It looks more than nice.
It looks better than any place we've lived in a long time.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that, although you won't get to see it much.
In order to live in the dormitory, you must have a permission slip signed by a parent or a guardian, and your parents are dead.
Mr.
Poe tells me your guardians have either been killed or fired you.
Surely Mr.
Poe could sign.
"Surely Mr.
Poe could sign.
" He could not.
He is neither your parent nor your guardian.
He works at a bank.
I'm afraid that you'll have to live in a small tin shack.
Oh, it's a dismal place.
You'll stay there until we get a new set of orphans.
And then you'll be upgraded to a broom closet.
Why can't you change the rule so everyone lives in a dorm? "Why can't you change the rule so everyone lives in a dorm?" I don't want to.
Speaking of rules, if either of you are late to your classes, your hands will be tied behind your back during meals and you'll have to lean down and eat your food like a dog.
Violet, you will be studying with Mr.
Remora in room one, and Klaus, you will be with Mrs.
Bass in room two, which is easy to remember if you think of Tu B'Shevat, the Jewish equivalent of Arbor Day.
Thank you.
I'll remember.
Which classroom is Sunny's? I told Mr.
Poe that we would have room for a baby here, but not in a classroom.
I've always wanted an administrative assistant, but there was never a budget for it.
Now, I have Sunny.
Off to your shack! Genius needs his rehearsal time.
Go, go.
What now? Children! Vice Principal Nero, you said you wanted to see us? We've been waiting for a really long time.
Come in, come in, come in.
So, orphans, how would you like to move into a broom closet? This place has hardly changed since I was expelled.
What do you want us to do with the stuff on the bus? We may have use for it.
Matriculating into Prufrock Prep won't be easy.
I was quite the disciplinary problem during my semester and a half.
You think they'll recognize you and they're still mad? Why wouldn't they be? Nothing.
No reason.
It was just It was a long time - Let's see what we got.
- Let's.
- Mascot costume, front half.
- Good.
- Mascot costume, back half.
- Better.
- Thirty-two hot dogs, 31 hot dog buns.
- Intriguing.
A variety of pennants, cheerleader uniforms, sweaty clothes, Hula-Hoops and one school banner.
- Okay.
- That's everything.
That We are going to hatch a complicated plot, and these are our raw materials? The hot dogs are actually precooked.
Must I do everything myself? I know you're hiding somewhere.
Well, well.
What do we have here? - You told me you got everything.
- We did.
Then explain that to these! Let's move out.
Curses! This is not Count Olaf.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
What do we do? The same thing that got me through eighth grade.
Find a safe place to hide.
Vice Principal Nero? I don't mean to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing I was already interrupted.
I just spent 20 minutes explaining to three orphans - that they have to live in a shack.
- That's awful.
We always put new orphans in the shack.
No, I mean it's awful that it took you 20 minutes to explain it.
- Hmm.
Why are you here? - Why are any of us here? "Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.
" Voltaire said that.
I thought we expelled that French kid for smoking.
I'm following up on keeping the library open for more than ten minutes No! Out of the question.
I spent the budget on a violin case with a ruby handle.
But it doesn't cost more money to leave the library door unlocked.
There are other reasons, but I don't have time to explain.
Then I'll wait.
Okay.
It's because I don't like you very much.
My hands are tied on this! You dropped this.
I wish I had dropped it right on his head.
Too bad we can't fix stupidity at the vice principal level.
In a world governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles.
I've often thought that exact thing.
- Most librarians have.
- Oh! How did you know I was a librarian? There's a certain gleam in the eye indicating a sharp, erudite acumen.
Also, you have a cart of books.
Do you know where I might find three children who recently enrolled? I do, but I don't think I should share that information with someone who's not faculty.
- I'm a member of the faculty.
- I've never seen you around.
I work in the cafeteria.
Ah.
That checks out.
I make it a point to never eat there.
- Ah, hello, little girl.
- Who said you could speak to me? Oh, my! Here.
Let me help you.
Oh! - Children can be cruel.
- The whole world is cruel.
School is just a microcosm.
- Are you sure you're all right? - Why do you ask? The cafeteria's the other way.
But the nurse is this way.
The expression "making a mountain out of a molehill" simply means making a big deal out of a small deal.
It's easy to see how this expression came about.
Molehills are mounds of earth serving as condominiums for small mammals.
And they have never caused anyone any harm, except for maybe a stubbed toe if you're being pushed by a bully.
- Hey! - I hate your face! Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth and are constantly causing problems.
From frostbite to border disputes, hang gliding mishaps.
Which is why when we call something a mountain, we mean that it is a large amount of trouble.
When Nero described the shack where the Baudelaires were living, he was not making a mountain out of a molehill.
- If anything - It's small.
Even for a shack.
He was making a molehill out of a mountain.
- Uh, crabs! - Our shack has crabs! Fungus.
Our shack has dripping fungus.
Their shack had misinformation.
- This is ridiculous.
- We can fix it up a little.
I don't mean this shack, I mean this school.
Orphans shouldn't be punished for not having parents.
And who ties people's hands behind their backs to eat? I know, but we have to think about the bigger picture.
Our parents were part of something.
Our guardians, too.
It might be why these terrible things keep happening.
We'll never find out if we're stuck here.
This is a school.
Let's see what we can learn.
Good morning, class, including our latest orphan.
My name is Mr.
Remora, and today, for language arts, I will continue telling anecdotes from my own life that I find amusing.
You'll take notes, and there will be a test.
Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday, I was in the mood for macaroni and cheese, so I said to myself, "Today, Tuesday, I think I'll have some macaroni and cheese.
" It's important to remember it wasn't elbow macaroni or the decorative butterfly kind, or even the tube-shaped macaroni.
Indeed, it was not Good morning, children.
May I have your undivided attention? And that includes you, Daniel.
I understand we have a brand new orphan today.
It must be difficult for you to measure how unhappy you are without your parents, but we're gonna try.
My name is Mrs.
Bass, and we'll continue our lessons on the metric system by measuring various objects.
Later we'll have a quiz.
The first thing to measure is this jar of mayonnaise I found in my garage.
Next letter.
"Dear Juilliard School of Music, I was confused by your restraining order of October 13th.
" Faster! You type like a one-year-old! Where was I? "Dear Juilliard School of Music, I was baffled by your restraining order of October the 13th.
What did I do?" Call those jumping jacks? I've seen better jumping jacks from old people! Hiding under the bleachers again, just like so many youthful days spent hatching plans and looking for cigarette butts.
Were you unpopular? I know how that feels.
No.
I was a rebel.
I bet people were jealous of your looks.
Unless you were a late bloomer.
I was not a late bloomer.
Girls were falling all over me in school, and not just because I extended my leg when they walked by.
I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger, a member of the drama club.
Mmm.
This school is obviously desperate for my return, but that advanced computer prevents us from waltzing in the front door.
We need someone on the inside, a student who will help us infiltrate, if infiltrate is what I mean.
Do you mean "to penetrate an institution surreptitiously"? What kid's gonna help us? Hey, cake-sniffer! You're as ugly as something I found in my teeth recently! Little girl.
Little girl? I'm 4' 7".
That's a pretty broach you have.
- Make me an offer.
- I like you.
- You're not an orphan, are you? - Do I look like I live in a shack? Mmm.
Meet me under the bleachers after school.
- How was your day? - I heard nothing but pointless stories.
That's language arts.
I spent the morning writing meaningless measurements.
That's math.
How was work? We've been in class all day but haven't learned a thing.
There has to be someone who can answer all our questions.
- Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter.
- We know you.
Of course you do.
I work in the cafeteria.
See my hairnet? We've met before.
You were the waiter at Lake Lachrymose.
- You were dressed as a clown.
- You gave us peppermints.
Uh, peppermints are not a recognized part of the lunch program, but I do have something to give you.
- Does it have to do with our parents? - Our guardians? All your questions will be answered as soon as I give you Wait, I'm sure it's in here somewhere.
Out of my way.
I deserve a heaping portion because I'm heapingly adorable.
- You can wait in line like everyone else.
- Where is it? Where is it? I don't have to.
I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.
Vice Principal Nero likes me best, and there's a beef and bean burrito with a ribbon on it just for me.
This is my lunch that I brought from home.
- What did you have for us? - Give it to me.
Explain how adorable I am! - Look at her pinafore! - Look at her pretty face! - Sorry.
I have to look for something.
- What were you gonna give us? Uh Macaroni and cheese and boiled wieners! No, thank you.
I guess they were late to class.
As if eating cafeteria food isn't punishing enough.
Baudelaires, there's seats at my table, but I'm afraid it's a cake-sniffer-free zone.
Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! Leave them alone.
You're the cake-sniffer.
Nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you.
Come sit with us.
You'll have to forgive Carmelita.
She's so awful, Mrs.
Bass is considering a life of crime.
My sister wrote a poem about her.
"I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats.
" That's a couplet.
Ogden Nash uses them.
I know.
I've read all of his work.
I'm Isadora Quagmire, and this is my brother Duncan.
I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is Klaus and Sunny.
Nice to meet you.
We should warn you, the apples taste like horseradish.
Everything seems distasteful in this place.
I hope you're surviving the Orphan Shack.
It's pretty awful.
We were living there until yesterday.
You're orphans? We lost our parents in a terrible fire.
And our brother, Quigley.
We were triplets.
- We're sorry to hear that.
- We lost our parents in a fire as well.
It's not fair.
One minute you're safe and happy and - home, and the next - You're in a shack full of crabs.
We can do something about the crabs.
How did you deal with them? We taped metal to our shoes to be extra noisy.
It scared the crabs, but it was exhausting to tap dance all the time.
Nobody likes tap dancing.
Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! She's been even worse since Nero got her those shoes.
I can invent something less exhausting than tap shoes.
I'll need materials.
Can everybody empty their pockets? Where did you get that? From the ruins of our parents' home.
I think we need to talk.
We found it in the ashes.
We'd never seen it before.
Can't be a coincidence.
Two fires, two halves of a spyglass.
I think it's more than a spyglass.
There are dials, similar to ones I read about for cracking codes.
Why would our parents have a device for cracking codes? Why would ours have the same device? They must've known each other.
Why don't we know each other? It's like they were hiding all this stuff.
Thanks, Sunny.
Maybe they were gonna tell us, but never got the chance.
- Maybe they were hiding it for a reason.
- Because it's dangerous? Maybe.
You're sure you've never heard of Count Olaf? I'm sure.
But since we lost our parents, we've seen things we can't explain.
Us, too.
It has to be connected.
That's a little better.
It's scaring the crabs and it gives the place a little style.
That's a lot better.
At Aunt Josephine's, we found a book that might contain some answers.
We lost it in a hurricane before we could read it.
Did it look like this? Our last guardian locked it in a safe after she lost her wife.
If we saw the same book, there has to be more copies.
- How can we find one? - Is the library open? Not for long.
Get out of here.
Give this a decent burial.
You told me you like To Kill a Mockingbird, so I did it for you.
This is your last chance.
Next time, I call your mother and steal your shoes.
I smell people who lost their parents in fires.
Quagmires and the Baudelaires.
Lovely to see you, and together, I might add.
Are you still open? I'm afraid I was just locking up.
Ten minutes goes by fast.
- You can come back tomorrow.
- We can't wait.
Please.
- We're trying to find a book.
- An important book.
It might have the answers - to all of our questions.
- What's the title? The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.
Let me see what I can do.
We only have a few minutes before Nero comes on his rounds.
If he catches you, he'll make you trim his toenails.
- He wouldn't.
- He would.
He would.
You don't happen to know its Dewey Decimal number? We don't even know who wrote it.
That's okay.
That's what I'm here for.
Let's see.
Incomplete History of Secret Organizations, The.
- I'm sorry.
- You don't have it.
Due to budget cuts, crumbling infrastructure, and the priorities of a certain vice principal, this place has become something of a faltering institution.
Although, I do have a few other books that I think you might like.
The Incomplete History of Treachery? The Incomplete History of Pretentiousness? Or, The Incomplete History of History? That does sound fascinating, but I know.
In every library, there is a single book to answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.
Where did you hear that? I don't know.
I must have read it somewhere.
Why? Our father said that once.
It's awful to have people missing from your life.
It's like a question that haunts you, and you never know if that question will ever be answered.
We think it might be, with the right book.
I see.
Well, a friend of mine is sending me some new titles now that she's abandoned her dissertation to become a welterweight boxer.
I'll ask her about it.
Check back with me in a day or so.
Mind if we have a look around? - Drat.
- Drat? Vice Principal Nero will be here in "Vice Principal Nero will be here.
" Vice Principal Nero is already here, and this library is supposed to be closed! It is closed, and it's empty.
You must be having a bad dream.
- That only worked on me once.
- Darn it.
Report to the athletic field in ten minutes.
Attendance is mandatory.
Mandatory means "anyone who doesn't come has to buy me candy and watch me eat it.
" - He wouldn't.
- He would.
I would.
This is a very exciting day for me, so you orphans and you twins should be excited.
The Quagmires are triplets.
"Twins" is what you call triplets when one has burned to a crisp.
If you'll excuse me, I have to get my violin for the pep rally.
Welcome to Prufrock Prep, Baudelaires.
In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles.
We wholeheartedly agree.
All decent people do.
I wanted to find that book.
We still could.
We'll make a plan.
I don't know what's worse, the word "pep" or "rally.
" - They last for hours.
- We'll sneak in some fruit.
- We'll bring some for you, too.
- Thank you.
It's no trouble.
Our broom closet's next to the fruit bowl.
I don't mean for the fruit.
I mean for making us feel at home.
We haven't felt at home for a long time.
I'm sure you already know.
- What? - What friends are for.
See you soon.
Remember what you learned in lock-picking school.
You have to break in, get the book, give it to the Baudelaires, quit your job, then you never have to come back to this school again.
- Unless it's a reunion.
- You're breaking in.
Uh, no, I'm not.
I mean, it's okay, I'm a grown-up.
- I'm telling Nero.
- You don't have to do that.
All I have to do is scream and he'll fire you on the spot.
Unless you give me something.
I already gave you half of my burrito.
Fine, fine! Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Oh, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
Hello, hello, hello.
What are helpless orphans like you doing in a place like this? - Who are you? - Don't pretend this handsome face doesn't haunt your every waking and sleeping hour.
You will never be rid of me.
You'll never be safe.
So much to learn, orphans, and I am here to school you.
The three of you better Wait.
You two better Wait.
Where's the midget? One, two You're not the Baudelaires.
Who are you? Who are you, you miscreant? Miscreant? Oh, I know who you are now.
- You sound just like your mother, Quigley.
- Duncan.
"You miscreant, never again will you darken the doors of this hangar.
" Such a tiresome woman.
Always reading Italian poetry and activating trap doors.
- How do you know our mother? - Oh, I know everything, orphans.
I know the number of hairs on each of your heads, the number of sapphires in your secret vaults.
The number of tombstones in your family plots.
Well, well, it seems this trip to Prufrock will bring me twice the fortune.
And there's nobody who can stop me.
Give me back my burrito, you miscreant! Larry? What - One eyebrow.
- I bet he has a tattoo on his ankle.
We have to warn the Baudelaires something terrible is going to happen, and I don't mean a pep rally.
Get moving.
I'm talking to you, cheerleaders.
Get your costume on, mascot! Step lively, health and hygiene instructor.
I prefer the term interdisciplinary gender studies.
- Why won't you leave me alone? - I'm still hungry.
I gave you my burrito.
We agreed that was fair.
I'm hungry for revenge.
- What? - You made me suffer long enough.
The menu is chosen by the school district.
For years you've infiltrated my schemes, relying on morals and literature to muck up my life.
Well, these are your victoriously final days.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
- How did I do? - Those last few lines were for me.
- I'm so adorable when I say them.
- But theater is about context.
- Let's take it from the flop.
- "Flop"? Take it from the top.
Never mind.
The adults are speaking.
All right, fine.
Working with kids, am I right? No.
You're wrong about everything.
Same goody-goody moral stance, I see.
The only thing that's changed is your hair.
It's a hairnet, as required by the Department of Education.
In our organization, that's called successful infiltration.
I learned what that word means, but then I forgot.
All you need to remember is that we're one step ahead of you.
Strong words coming from someone who's scrubbing a lasagna pan.
Cannelloni.
You wouldn't dare.
This is dry-clean only.
You're in luck, because we're taking you to the cleaners.
I don't know how you got in here.
A girl propped open the door.
- But we're sending you back out.
- What do you mean, "we"? The pronoun for first person plural.
I'm not working alone.
Oh, goodness me, you have comrades.
You have cohorts.
Why didn't I think of that? - En garde! - That's French for "We gotcha!" Do you think you can win? Totally.
And do you know why? You may have the smarts and the skills.
You may have the classified codes and secret libraries.
You may have the wisdom and integrity and various poems committed to memory.
- But do you know what I have? - What? - Line.
- A jeweled A jeweled broach! What? - Yes, a jeweled Wait, what? - A That's A plan! I have a plan! You are not much of a spy, Barry.
Larry, your waiter.
You know what they say about the food service industry.
It's a cold, cold business.
Now we've got to rally ourselves.
- Pruf - Rock! Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! - Baudelaires! - We think you're in danger.
What's wrong? The Baudelaires are in no danger at all.
In fact, my wife just dropped by the office with an advance copy of today's Daily Punctilio, and wait till you see the headlines.
- Hello? - This is Larry, your waiter.
You sound cold.
Are you in the mountains? We're not due there until the end of the season.
- Did you deliver the book? - I had some complications.
Yes.
Yes.
They even took my hairnet.
They'll stop at nothing.
You must be freezing.
Try jumping, or reciting a Jack London story.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Would you mind sending Yes, of course.
I'll call you a taxi.
- Poe, are you there? Focus.
- Oh, what? No.
Sorry, Mr.
Tamerlane.
It was just my receptionist.
You know how it is with assistants.
Every so often, their phone rings and they dive under their desks, apparently to retrieve a pen that they've dropped.
- Again.
- Snicket? Someone needs a ride, and quick.
Got it.
Of course.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
- The world - Is quiet here.
The world is quiet here.
This might sound curious, like the motto of a secret organization, or something your brother might say when he arrives in his taxi to smuggle you across the border, high up into the mountains.
When the world is noisy, the world may feel as if it is coming apart.
What did you see? - We think we saw Count Olaf! - What? It's also hard to hold a private conversation.
- We think Count Olaf is here! - What? Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome to the mandatory pep rally.
I don't know which I like more, the word "pep" or "rally.
" - I like "pep.
" - I like "rally.
" Maybe we should ask our mascot! What do you say? - What's the mascot? - A dead horse! It sounded like you said A dead horse.
But that's not important.
- Who can't be beat? - A dead horse! - Who can't be beat? - A dead horse! Hi-yah! You have to listen.
- My brother and I saw - Shush! I know things seemed less peppy since our athletes, cheerleaders and beloved gym teacher vanished on the way home from that away game.
But Prufrock Preparatory School has a motto.
It's "memento mori.
" It's an ancient Greek saying Latin.
Which means, "Remember, you will die.
" And soon, indeed, the sun will set, the fiery orb of life, leaving me alone! Alone! Alone! Until, of course, you meet someone who truly understands and supports you with friendship, camaraderie and cash bribes.
Our gym teacher was irreplaceable, but I have found someone I know who can fill her shoes.
And now, please welcome to the stage, a man with no résumé, no letters of recommendation, no credit history, but with such a marvelous ear for music that I've hired him as the newest member of our faculty! No, no, not you.
No.
Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis! Count Olaf.
So much to learn, and I am here to school you.