A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

The Vile Village: Part One

1 [THEME SONG PLAYING] Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The town of VFD Is full of people full of rules The Quagmires have once again Been kidnapped for their jewels The Baudelaires must rescue them But end up getting jailed You might hope that things improve But I'm afraid that ship has sailed Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away [TYPING] [CAWING] If the story of the Baudelaire orphans was a car trip, it would be unpleasant, uncomfortable, and interminably long.
[MR.
POE COUGHING] This car trip has been interminably long.
Who knew the Hinterlands were so far away? That's why they're called Hinterlands.
Nobody likes a backseat driver.
Tell me when that turn is coming up.
[BABBLES] My name is Lemony Snicket, and I have the sad undertaking of chronicling the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, whose long car trip will soon end here, in the barely picturesque village of VFD.
Before long, they'll find themselves bewildered and bedeviled in the town's attractive if drafty town hall.
Desperate and despondent near this prominent but off-putting landmark known as Fowl Fountain.
It is the Baudelaires' destiny to arrive here.
But you could be someplace else.
And within moments, you'll most certainly wish you were.
[CONTINUES COUGHING] "It takes a village to raise a child.
" What a lovely, lovely aphorism.
An aphorism is a phrase that can sound mysterious, but, in fact, is very wise.
We know what aphorism means.
Then perhaps you'll know this one means the responsibility of raising young people belongs to every member of a community.
That's exactly what's going to happen to you in the village of VFD.
Instead of having one guardian, who could be murdered or end up in cahoots with a villain, you'll have hundreds of people caring for you.
What could go wrong? Everything's already gone wrong.
We've lost our friends twice.
Yes, well Would you look at this brochure? It has pictures.
[VIOLET] An entire village will be in charge of us? That's a lot of people.
I imagine they'll draw lots like in that Shirley Jackson story.
Normally, I prefer a more traditional family structure, but for some unknown reason, neither the individual guardian or the academic institution is working for you.
The reason isn't unknown.
It's Olaf.
He follows us everywhere.
He kidnapped the Quagmires.
- Those poor twins.
- Triplets.
Twins.
Their brother's death changes their birth identity.
- No, it doesn't.
- It hardly matters.
Thanks to the constant coverage in my wife's newspaper, I'm sure Count Omar will be captured in no time at all.
- Olaf.
- Yes, I meant to say Omar.
Besides, I doubt he'd be able to find you way out in the Hinterlands.
It would take an interminably long time.
[OLAF] We've followed those Baudelaires for an interminably long time.
Isn't it marvelous? There's nothing like a trip in a getaway car.
I needed a getaway from that dirty, grimy city and all the people after me there.
Be honest.
What do you think of my hat? - You look beautiful.
- I wish I had skin like yours.
- I wish I was wearing your skin.
- You look nice.
Don't look now, but someone's following us.
I said don't look.
Never mind.
Oh, no.
Is it the paparazzi or the press? [GASPS] Or my husband? His lawyers have been calling.
It's a taxi.
About a mile back.
He's been behind us an interminably long time.
You didn't think to mention someone is following us? - I wanted it to be a surprise? - Is it the police? Why would the police take a taxi? Whoever it is, they seem to be obeying the speed limit.
There's only one taxi driver I know who cares about obeying the law.
There's a shortcut up here someplace.
Let's see Snicket try to follow us now.
[ESMÉ EXCLAIMS] He just made a left-hand turn without signaling.
That man's villainy knows no bounds.
But we'll catch up soon.
He's after the Baudelaires, and we know where they're headed.
VFD.
What a charming fountain.
[KLAUS] Don't fountains typically have water? Typically, but this is a dry county.
There's no water.
- It means there's no alcohol.
- [COUGHS] Tomato, to-mah-to.
Now, you Baudelaires wait here while I go into town hall and finalize your paperwork.
Then I'll be leaving you.
I have a long drive back to the city, and my wife and I have tickets to the theater.
Sunny, don't feed the pigeons.
[BABBLES] I've read three books about crows.
They're harmless.
There's a word for a large number of crows.
I can't think of it.
[BABBLES] - That only applies to larks.
- I hope we're in the right place.
This town is called VFD.
It has to be connected.
We had the wrong VFD at Veblen Hall.
We could have the wrong VFD.
I hope Duncan and Isadora are here.
Me, too.
Maybe we can ask someone if they've seen them.
- [BABBLES] - You mean [IMITATES CAWING] Owls say [IMITATES HOOTING] It's wonderful you're practicing bird calls, but you have an appointment.
The Council of Elders will see you.
- The Council of Elders? - Will see you now.
They know everything there is to know about VFD.
They're as wise as [STAMMERS] What's that bird known to be mysterious and wise? The - If they know everything - They can help.
A heron! No, a mockingbird.
Goodbye.
Thank you for the ride.
A grackle? Um, no, it'll come to me.
Perhaps it's some kind of booby? Did I see a saloon around here somewhere? This saloon is the perfect place to hide out while we hunt the Baudelaires.
Ooh, there's a pole.
Are you sure this isn't more of a club? That's a fire pole, love.
This saloon was a firehouse until it was shut down under mysterious and complicated circumstances.
Oh, I see they haven't changed the decor a bit.
Barkeep! [ESMÉ SIGHS] [GROANS] It looks like no one's been in this place for a long time.
Maybe it's a dry county.
Oh, sweet, fresh country [BREATHES HEAVILY] [CHOKING] I can't Breathe, breathe.
Esmé, you sound like that banker.
[COUGHING] [MR.
POE COUGHING] Hello? Anybody here? Hello? [CONTINUES COUGHING] Hello? Anybody here? Hello? [AS BARTENDER] Howdy! What can I get for you, total stranger who I've never seen before? I would like your strongest and coldest sarsaparilla.
One sarsaparilla coming up! Oh.
Here you go.
So, tell me, traveler, what brings you to these parts? How was the road? Did you bring any childrens? I'm delighted to tell you the Baudelaires are now yours.
- [AS OLAF] That was easy.
- Yours and everyone else's.
I've delivered them to this town's aphorism-based guardianship program, It Takes a Village.
Mazel tov! [AS BARTENDER] L'Heimlich! [SIGHS] I always wanted orphans.
[MOANS] [FAKE CRYING] This morning, I thought I was just a lonely, single bartender [FAKE CRYING] and now I have a fortune of childrens, or whatever the word is for a large number of 'em.
[CONTINUES FAKE CRYING] Last call.
Anything else I can get you aside from the check? No, I'll be getting back to the city.
[SIGHS] Thank you for this refreshing yet substantially overpriced beverage.
Enjoy the communal raising of children.
My wife and I decided to raise Edgar and Albert on our own.
It took one trip to a kibbutz to realize that [ESMÉ COUGHS] Gesundheit.
[AS OLAF] The Baudelaires are here.
They've been placed under the care of the village.
We heard.
We were next to you, behind this dusty bar.
You, bring me the red herring.
You two, bring some rags for dusting.
I do not want one more speck of dust invading the nostrils of the woman I love.
I love when you talk about my mucus membranes.
Oh, I'm not sure which I love more, your membranes or your mucus.
Oh, Esmé, I'm going to give you everything you never had back in the city.
Darling, I was so wealthy, I had everything I wanted.
And now I'm squatting in a dusty saloon with a bunch of actors.
I am the luckiest woman alive.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] [HOOK-HANDED MAN GRUNTING] [PANTS] That fish weighs as much as two kidnapped children.
It certainly does.
They're awfully quiet.
Should we have added more air holes? Ugh, they'll be fine.
They're probably hoarse from all that screaming.
But if Snicket's followed us, we'll need to stash them somewhere less conspicuous.
Less conspicuous than a bright red statue of a fish? I know just the place.
Now, while we're here, we can't risk being recognized by the authorities.
Darling, you're up.
[ESMÉ] Costumes, everyone! - [SING-SONG] Costumes! - Ooh.
[ALL GIGGLING] Now, this is a small town filled with regular folk.
We need to blend in with plain, normal, upstanding, heartfelt, decent, simple, dependable, respectable people.
The bonnet might be a bit much.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [ANNABELLE] The Council of Elders calls this special town meeting to order.
Hello, my dears.
[JEMMA] We're pleased you made it.
Step onto the platform so your Elders can get a good look at you.
- Hello, I'm Violet - Silence! Rule number 902 states that no one may talk while on the platform.
Baudelaires, we know your story well.
The tragic death of your parents.
The unfortunate loss of numerous guardians.
How you have been pursued relentlessly by a wicked count out to steal your fortune.
Your troubles end here.
We recently made up a new rule to solve all your problems.
Rule number 9,833 states no villains will be allowed within the city limits.
You're safe at last.
- I don't think - Silence! - Count Olaf - Silence.
- [BABBLES] - Silence, even for babies! Now, the next order of business.
When children have guardians, guardians make them do chores.
We are all your guardians now.
It follows that you will be doing all of our chores.
For the entire village.
[CHEERING] Any questions? - I beg your pardon, but - Silence! For the fourth and fifth time! How many times do we have to tell you about rule number 902, hmm? What we meant was, are there any questions from the town? - [ANNABELLE] Mrs.
Morrow? - Thank you.
I am all in favor for the "It Takes a Village" program and others doing my chores.
But these children were involved in that kidnapping scandal.
I don't want trouble in my town.
- That wasn't a question.
- It was more of a statement.
- Me, me! - [ANNABELLE] Man in plaid pants? Yes, I have a question.
Where are these children going to live? It may take a village to raise a child, but I don't want noisy children cluttering up my home, eh? Right? - Silence! - Now, there's no need to fuss.
The orphans will live with our handyman, Hector.
Isn't that right, Hector? [STUTTERS] I, uh [ANNABELLE] Hector? I [BREATHING HEAVILY] I The Council of Elders takes Hector's latest fainting spell to mean Hector will feed and clothe them and teach them our rules, so they won't do terrible things like talking on the platform! Isn't that right, Hector? [PANTING] Well, you [ANNABELLE] The Council hears no objections.
Now, the next item of business, a report from the chief of police.
- Ciao.
Hello.
I'm here - Esmé Squalor.
If Esmé's here, so is Olaf.
And if Olaf is here So are the Quagmires.
[KLAUS GRUNTS] Greetings, VFD.
My name is Officer Sabrina Pepper Anastasia Marigold.
But you may call me Officer Luciana, your new chief of police.
What happened to the old chief of police? I kind of liked that guy.
He has a sore throat.
He accidentally swallowed a box of thumbtacks.
We didn't hire a replacement.
The agency sent me.
VFD, I bring you protection and style.
Enjoy my fabulous officious outfit as I serve up piles and piles of justice.
- We have to tell the Council - Silence! We can see your lips moving.
Whispering is talking, and there's no talking on the platform.
- Unless you're chief of police.
- [ALL] Unless you're chief of police.
And as chief of police, I will make sure that rule-breakers are severely punished.
- That sounds perfect.
- I am big fan of severe punishment.
In fact, I will personally take care of people who break even the tiniest rule.
- [WHITE-FACED WOMEN] Hear! Hear! - I like this chief of police! - She's very attractive.
- Aw.
I admire her for her capabilities.
Yeah! [KISSING] Grazie.
Aw, so kind.
Grazie.
As you can see, we have eyes everywhere.
And we are always watching.
Now, off you go! Good luck in your new home.
- What do we do now? - That's the trouble with small towns.
Once you infiltrate the police, not much to do.
Vandalism? The Baudelaires will be cleaning up this town.
Maybe we could make it a little dirtier.
[OLAF SINGING] Orphans Love scatting about orphans [SCATTING] Nothing rhymes with orphans [SCATTING] Except for maybe portions Oh, yeah, or arson That's more of like a half rhyme Beat it out.
[BEATBOXING] [RAPPING] A wealthy orphan's â™ â™ Like a well-fed cat I lay my eyes on one â™ â™ And I just want to scat [SCATTING] [AS BARTENDER] Welcome to the Firehouse Saloon.
I have extremely pricey beverages which you have to pay cash for.
I'll take a tall glass of Justice on the rocks with a garnish of Your Wicked Schemes Stop Here.
[AS OLAF] We're all out.
But I can pour you a double shot of You'll Never Take Me Alive.
- You haven't changed.
- Thank you.
New hat? It makes your head look funny.
[OLAF GRUNTS] [OLIVIA] Yee-haw! [WHIP CRACKING] I'll have what he's having.
Who are you? Wait a minute.
[SNIFFS] The smell of paste.
The glassy-eyed stare of someone who works with children.
You're that school librarian.
That was a long time ago.
It wasn't that long ago.
It was actually a few The jig is up, Olaf.
Jig? It's a phrase which means your scheme has been undone.
As Dante said [SCATTING] Dante never said that.
[SCATTING] Ooh! [GRUNTS] Ow.
[SIGHS] - Where are the triplets? - I thought they were twins.
- Where are they? - There's two of them, right? One writes poetry and one cries all the time.
We shouldn't do this here.
Anyone could walk into this saloon who's over 18.
[GRUNTS] - You know what these are? - Bracelet things of justice.
- It's on the tip of my tongue.
- Time's up.
Handcuffs.
- Handcuffs! Who knew? - Gag him.
That's not my color.
I'm more of a spring-summer.
You don't deserve to wear colors that complement your complexion.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING] - It's fun, isn't it? - What? Getting your man.
[MUFFLED] Question.
Who is Dante? An Italian poet.
13th century.
He wrote The Divine Comedy.
Oh.
[OLAF GRUNTS] [HECTOR] Sorry I fainted.
The Elders are so scary, they make me woozy.
I'm excited you're staying with me.
I've never been a guardian.
- Anything you need, let Hector know.
- Thanks.
We really need your help.
The chief of police is our friends' kidnapper's girlfriend.
His awful accomplices were there, too.
Are you saying this to make my day more scary? - Are you going to faint again? - No.
I'm getting ready to run.
We should run in a random direction and not stop until we're miles away.
We came to find our friends.
- We believe they're nearby.
- The only clue are the letters VFD.
- We don't know what those stand for.
- Village of Fowl Devotees.
That's what VFD stands for.
- Fowl means birds.
- Murder! Sorry.
That's the word I was thinking of.
Murder is a group of crows.
There's not only murder in this town.
There's a secret.
- It's connected with Olaf.
- And our missing friends.
I have no idea what you're saying right now.
You can explain it on the way to my house.
It's a mile away as the crows fly.
You mean "as the crow flies," the shortest distance between two points.
No, literally, I mean as the crows fly.
[CROWS CAWING] Awesome! That's a word that means inspiring awe.
Every morning, the crows roost in the town square.
Every evening, they migrate to Nevermore Tree in the backyard of your new home.
Come on.
Tell me your story on the way.
- It's a long story.
- That's okay.
It's a long walk.
[HECTOR] I'm sorry I'm crying, but that is an unbelievably sad story.
I bet you're not halfway done.
We won't be done until we rescue the Quagmires and escape from Olaf.
I wish I could help.
You can explain to the Council of Elders that Olaf must be somewhere in town.
I meant some way I could help that wouldn't be scary.
- We'd be there with you.
- The Council knows you.
They'd believe you if you told them.
It doesn't matter if they know you.
They knew my ma, and they didn't believe her.
Now I live alone on the outskirts of town.
What happened to your ma? [BREATHING HEAVILY] It's too painful.
I can't talk about it.
I'm sorry.
I'd like to help, but this place has so many rules, I wouldn't know where to start.
You have to keep a lot of secrets in this town.
Here, let me show you.
[SCANNER BEEPS] - What do you think? Isn't she beautiful? - [KLAUS] What is it? - It's our ticket out of this town.
- But what is it? It's a self-sustaining hot air mobile home.
- A self-sustaining hot air mobile home.
- A self-sustaining hot air mobile home.
[KLAUS] Like a hot air balloon? It's the same idea, only each basket is its own room.
It's like an entire flying house.
Or it will be, once I run more tests on the engine.
Did you invent it? Rule number 67 states no citizen is allowed to use or build mechanical devices.
The Council of Elders instructed me to destroy our inventing materials, but I brought them here.
I've been working on this device since.
I've loaded the baskets with all the necessities.
Is that a library? So rule number 108 bans all books, except for a boring one called The Littlest Elf, and of course, the book of VFD rules.
The Council told me to burn the rest, but I hid them so I have something to read.
- Oh, and I've packed plenty of food.
- [BABBLES] What my sister means is she loves crunchy foods that are fun to bite.
Rule number 8,675 clearly states citizens can't use their mouths for recreation.
But I like crunchy foods, too.
I've got a basket full of Mexican turnips.
[BABBLES] You're very brave to defy the Council of Elders.
Only behind closed doors.
When I'm in front of them, all I do is faint, which is why I have to leave this place.
It's too scary.
Plus the fainting is hard on my lower back.
Ah.
Maybe you could come with me.
It's big enough for four or even six.
The engine is self-sustaining.
It should last 100 years.
Once we go up, we never have to come down.
No more rules, no more VFD.
We could live up in the air forever.
Forever? Don't you want to escape your long, sad story? It's a marvelous invention.
Maybe when we get our friends out of danger.
- And when Olaf is behind bars.
- Who knows when that will happen.
Trapped.
Caught like a trap in a rat.
I can't sleep.
These dark, dank walls are closing in.
I call to you, spirits of the jail cell, save me! Save me! How long has it been? The days turn to months.
It's been eight minutes.
Do you want some tea? No, thank you.
You always make it too bitter.
I thought this jail had a deluxe cell.
- This is the deluxe cell.
- That's bad news.
Want some more bad news? You'll crack eventually.
For being offered tea? You've tried that on me for years.
It hardly ever works.
You're going to tell us where the Quagmires are.
We expect the chief of police to be back any minute.
- Do you now? - I do now.
He or she will put you in the hands of the authorities, and you'll spend a long time in a cell of this quality or perhaps worse.
Do you want to know why? Is this where you give the big speech about Because we represent the true human tradition, the best chance of extinguishing chaos and cruelty.
We may be defeated, at least for a time.
But we will never disappear.
Not so long as there are noble, well-read people to take up the cause.
You still believe that? Yes, I do.
Now, where are the children? [OLAF SCATTING] - Did he talk? - Mostly about himself.
- He won't tell us where the Quagmires are.
- I want to find them.
We know they're nearby and alive.
Olaf needs them to get their sapphires.
Once we hand him to the chief of police, we'll search the town.
They must be so scared.
The Baudelaires, too.
We all learn bravery the hard way, Olivia.
I was scared when I joined the VFD.
I was told memorizing a certain poem might help.
When my siblings and I reached the VFD headquarters, we learned how to hit an olive with a bow and arrow.
We learned how to dance the waltz and the watusi, and how to determine if a poison had been introduced into a cheese fondue without tasting it.
But we were there voluntarily.
We're volunteers.
[KETTLE WHISTLING] - More tea? - Wait.
Show me your tea leaves.
You read fortunes now? I'm a librarian.
I read all sorts of things.
And what do my tea leaves say? That you're a brave man with a valid taxi driver's license and a book collection in the trunk.
- Is that enough? - I think so.
It says soon our enemies will be defeated.
- And what then? Marriage? Children? - Only if we rescue them.
And one night, if they're ready to join What was the poem? The one that you memorized on your way to VFD headquarters? "When you drive away in secret, you'll be a volunteer " "So don't scream when we take you " [BOTH] "The world is quiet here.
" Poetry? You'll stop at nothing to make me talk.
You take the gas station.
I'll hit the church.
Those kids will be so busy cleaning, they won't have time to foil the boss' plans.
[CHUCKLES] [BALD MAN] What about the fountain? I think we've done enough.
[CROWS CAWING] [VIOLET] It's been a long time since anyone made us breakfast.
Hector was right.
Huevos rancheros taste delicious even in desperate circumstances.
They don't make anything less desperate.
We have no idea where to find the Quagmires.
It was hard searching a penthouse.
We have an entire village.
We have to keep trying.
It's not as if a clue will fall into our laps.
What's this? - Poetry.
- Not just poetry, couplets.
Isadora? [KLAUS] "For sapphires, we are held in here.
Only you can end our fear.
" "Until dawn comes, we cannot speak.
No words can come from this sad beak.
" You look shocked.
What did I miss? A message from our friends.
There might be more than crows in Nevermore Tree.
Sunny, wait here.
- Isadora! - Duncan! - Isadora! - Duncan! Quagmires.
There are many expressions to describe someone who is going about something in the wrong way.
"Making a mistake" is one way.
"Screwing up" is another, although it is a bit rude.
"Attempting to rescue Lemony Snicket by writing letters to a congressperson instead of digging an escape tunnel" is a third way, although it is a bit too specific.
But there is one expression that describes the Baudelaires' situation perfectly, and as soon as the murder of crows embarked on their morning migration [CROWS CAWING] the Baudelaires saw that they were barking up the wrong tree.
- There's nothing up there.
- Nothing and nobody.
It's the usual morning migration.
What were you expecting? I wasn't expecting anything.
Just hoping.
Carrier pigeons.
Carrier pigeons are birds that carry messages, based on their regular migration patterns.
The Quagmires weren't up Nevermore Tree, but their messages were.
Maybe they were sent by carrier crow.
That's what Isadora meant by "No words can come from this sad beak.
" Crows can't talk.
But maybe they can tell us where they're hidden.
Every morning, the murder of crows flies into VFD to roost.
We can find them.
We just need an excuse to search the town.
[THUDDING] Are you ready to do chores for the entire town? The Council of Elders is waiting for you.
I, uh [STUTTERS] I'm going to trim the hedges and think about my mother.
I'll see you at dinner.
- [STUTTERS] Okay.
- [ANNABELLE] There you are, children.
Someone has been making messes all over town.
They TP'd our gas station, egged our church, and scared our poor donkey.
Now he's in need of a bath.
We have no idea who made these messes, although an eyewitness saw two white-faced women, a bald man, a man with hooks for hands, and a person of indeterminate gender near the scene.
- But we know who's going to clean them.
- You are.
If we search for the Quagmires while we clean Then doing chores is useful.
All over the world, people tell themselves doing chores is useful, just as they tell themselves an apple is as delicious as a cookie or that television is an important cultural art form.
But even though the Baudelaires busied themselves with many tedious chores, as the day wore on, they were no closer to finding their friends.
We're no closer to finding our friends.
Maybe we can narrow our search.
Olaf must be keeping them someplace no one else would go.
When you're done washing that donkey, go to the Firehouse Saloon.
It's been closed for years because of rule number 18, which prohibits the pouring and serving of sarsaparillas.
No one ever goes inside.
So it could use a good dusting.
We'll get right to it.
- Duncan? - Isadora? There's a fire pole.
Quagmires? [CROW CAWING] The red herring.
- [VIOLET] Duncan! - [KLAUS] Isadora! They're not answering.
Grab the fin and pull.
- [BOTH GRUNT] - It's empty.
[BABBLES] There's something scratched here.
"DQ plus VB"? Duncan must have been in here.
Where are they? Why haven't we seen Olaf? [PEOPLE YELLING] - What's going on? - Count Olaf's just been captured.
- What did he say? - He said, "Olaf's been captured.
" - What did you say? - She said, "Olaf has been captured.
" - What are you doing here? - I'm running with this crowd.
Come quickly, Baudelaires.
I just heard the news.
Olaf, the notorious villain I first heard of yesterday, captured at last in that very saloon.
Do you think it could be true? I hope so.
The Council of Elders called a special meeting, which always makes me jumpy.
Settle down, everyone.
We'll answer all your questions, starting with the visiting banker.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] [CLEARS THROAT AND SIGHS] Council of Elders, I have arrived in town moments after arriving back in the city after dropping the Baudelaires off yesterday.
When I heard Count Olaf had been captured, I said to myself it was my civic and financial duty to come here and see it with my own two ears.
Can it be the truth? Is my long nightmare of dealing with the Baudelaires' long nightmare over? It is true.
Olaf was hiding in the village in a disguise.
Fortunately, a handsome stranger who claimed to be an investigative agent arrived yesterday and captured him.
We've got him handcuffed outside.
Olaf.
Not the handsome stranger.
- He certainly is a tall drink of water.
- The handsome stranger, not Olaf.
His female associate is quite capable, too.
Will you tell him we're grateful? You can tell him yourself.
He's right back there.
Greetings, all you cool cats.
I am the famous and [SCATTING] cool, Detective Dupin.
[PLAYING SOFTLY] [RAPPING] I was on the scene â™ â™ If you know what I mean And I saw Count Olaf â™ â™ And nothing rhymes [SCATTING] And I grabbed this guy â™ â™ And made him fly Into jail And also [STUTTERS] A rhyme is a hard thing to do [SCATTING] Yeah All right.
I found that utterly convincing.
That's Count Olaf.
I think your prescription is fuzzy, my little four-eyed kitten.
You orphans are confused.
That is the man who caught Count Olaf.
- [GAVEL BANGS] - Officer Luciana, bring in the prisoner.
Yeah, yeah, baby.
Let's get this hootenanny a-hootin'.
- Move it, prisoner.
- I prefer to go by "volunteer.
" I prefer to go by Donatella Violetta Cappuccino Milano.
But you can call me Officer Luciana.
- That's not Olaf.
- No talking on the platform.
We're not on the platform.
Hector, control those orphans.
[SIGHS] As a citizen of this village, we should be able to speak.
That man is not Count Olaf.
That man is.
[SAM] Why should we believe three children over our chief of police? - Because none of you have met Count Olaf.
- That's true.
I've never met Count Olaf.
I read about him in the newspaper once.
Does that count? Don't worry.
I've been in worse scrapes than this.
Silence.
The children are right.
None of us have met Olaf.
Maybe I can be of some assistance.
I realize that my speaking on the platform would be breaking rule 902, to which I cite rule 732, in which a visiting banker is allowed to speak as long as he is acting in the role of a consultant.
You are familiar with our rules? I have been told that I have a natural aptitude for bureaucracy.
The floor is yours, Mr.
Poe.
[CLEARS THROAT] Ladies and gentlemen, as head banker of the Baudelaires' affairs, I had the opportunity, to meet Olaf on countless occasions.
At least five or six times.
Olaf has one big eyebrow.
As you can see, this man also has one eyebrow.
- It's glued on.
- Why would he glue an eyebrow on? [MR.
POE] Good point.
Olaf also has the tattoo of an eye - on his left ankle.
- The tattoo.
He won't have a tattoo.
Sir, in the name of the law, would you please expose your left ankle to the crowd? Little racy for a family show, but sure.
[CROWD GASPS] [BOTH GASP] [MR.
POE] As you can see, this man has the single eyebrow and the ankle tattoo, and therefore is inarguably Olaf.
Well said, banker man.
Now that Count Olaf is verifiability verified, let's start groovin' on how we're gonna punish this bad cat.
Who's got suggestions? No nuts on his ice cream sundaes.
Psst.
Baudelaires, my name is Jacques Snicket.
My associate and I trailed the Quagmires here just like you did.
Though, obviously, we've suffered some setbacks.
VFD already has a strict system of punishment in place.
In accordance with rule number two, which deals with rule-breakers, Count Olaf is to be marched into the center of town and issued a stiff but reasonable fine.
That's the best you birds got? - How do you know us? - How did he capture you? To answer, Violet, your family and mine have always been close.
To answer your question, Klaus, Olaf and I have what you'd call a history.
Why do you have the same tattoo of an eye? It's not an eye.
Look closer.
It's three letters.
"VFD.
" House arrest! And he has to wear one of those scratchy ankle things.
You're getting warmer, fancy pants.
Let's make it hot.
Once I'm free and the Quagmires are safe, we'll take you I say we burn him at the stake.
[BAND PLAYING] - Oh, fantastic idea! - Tremendous! Ethically iffy but very exciting.
Listen, I may need some help after all.
- Ever break a man out of prison? - How hard can it be? - That's the spirit.
- [GAVEL BANGS] It's settled.
Olaf will be burned at the stake tomorrow after breakfast.
I recommend steel-cut oatmeal.
Meeting adjourned.
[SCATTING] [SINGS] Yeah [ALL] Yeah.
Andiamo, prisoner.
Counting on you, volunteers.
Baudelaires, I believe this is your responsibility.
[HECTOR] Thanks for carrying me home.
Now we can leave.
The Council will burn Olaf at the stake, and he only broke one rule.
Imagine what they'd do if they discovered this barn.
We're not leaving, and that's not Olaf.
The real Olaf is disguised as Detective Dupin.
He's working with your chief of police, who's really Esmé Squalor, and they've framed the man looking for the Quagmires.
You have to believe us.
Of course I believe you.
That's why we have to get of town.
Things are scary and complicated.
The Council of Elders will burn Jacques Snicket.
Are you going to let that happen? Nobody likes the idea of an innocent man being burned alive.
Well, hardly anyone.
But if we don't escape now, we could be next.
But, Hector, you can't leave.
You said you didn't finish testing the engine.
What if your engine conductivity is low? Low engine conductivity is a leading cause in aircraft failure.
It has been making sputtery noises.
See? You don't want to be in the air with a faulty engine.
- That wouldn't be safe.
- Or self-sustaining.
Neither would being burned, but what choice do I have? - You could let my sister fix it.
- If you to wait until we're ready.
- You'd do that for me? - If you'd do that for us.
- What if you can't fix it? - She can always fix it.
[SIGHS] [GRUNTS] Here's your problem.
You need solid 12-gauge wires.
These are stranded 14.
I need wire cutters, banana plugs and a small oiling can.
Will this work? [SPUTTERS] [SIGHS] I need your biggest wrench.
[WHIRRING] Now we need to help Jacques.
I need full access to your inventing materials.
I need blueprints of the uptown jail.
Full access to my inventing materials and the blueprints of the uptown jail? What are you planning, a jailbreak? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No.
[AS OLAF] I'd offer you tea, but they're sweet and fruity.
Sweet and fruity doesn't count as tea, and your scheme is equally dismissible.
Strong words for someone in a deluxe cell.
What happened to handing me over to the police and sending me to jail for a long time? It never occurred to me that your girlfriend would be - as treacherous and violent as you.
- You've never approved of my love life.
I want what's best for those I respect and admire.
That includes you, Olaf.
You've got a keen mind and a flair for the dramatic.
When that saloon across town was a firehouse, you and I put some noble deeds on the books.
I'm tired of books, Snicket.
The world is dark and horrible.
You know what makes it brighter? Sapphires.
- You're better than that.
- You sound like Beatrice.
She was right.
If you reinvestigate your ethical priorities, you could help repair the world instead of filling it with smoke.
Olaf, let's do some good work together.
What do you say? What do I say? [SCATTING] Orphans.
Nothing but trouble.
Am I right? No, you're not.
What did these droopy, desperate orphans ever do for you? Before you got mixed up with them, I'll bet you had some kind of a life, a future.
Now look at you.
- Is that a corset? - Yes.
Look at me, a part of a noble and heroic organization, finally putting my innate physical dexterity and extensive training in library science to the purpose for which they were made.
Do all you bookish volunteers spout nonsense when you're afraid? - I'm not afraid.
- You should be.
You think your boyfriend's going to rescue you? [CHUCKLES] I think I'm going to rescue him.
[SNORTS] [CHUCKLES] Please.
Your boyfriend's going to burn in the morning.
I'm so sorry if I didn't make that clear.
Not if you unlock this cell and let us go.
- And why would I do that? - Because I'm a librarian.
[GASPS MOCKINGLY] Oh.
Don't you see? Librarians know where to find things.
- What kind of things? - [CLICKS TONGUE] Missing things.
- Stolen things? - That's right, Esmé.
If you let Jacques and me go, I will give you the location of the sugar bowl.
I thought having prisoners would be fun.
But it's like having a pet or an in-law.
You can lock them up, then you have to feed them.
Darling.
Forget the Snickets and the Baudelaires.
You've been working so hard.
Let's stay up here for a spell.
I feel like dancing.
- You didn't feel like dancing last night.
- I had a headache.
Now, what are you in the mood for? The waltz? The watusi? The horizontal tango? Well, I have been working on my line dancing [STUTTERS] Line dancing? Line dancing.
Oh.
Show me more.
- All right.
This hand goes here.
- Hmm.
This hand goes here.
Where are the keys to the cells? [GASPS] [GRUNTS] What have you done? [OLIVIA] Sorry, it was the only thing I could think of.
You did the right thing.
Get to that sugar bowl before they do.
You need to find our top field agent.
She knows where it's hidden, and what to do with it.
She knows all.
She's more legitimate than she looks.
Take my taxi.
- What about you? - Someone needs to protect the children.
Take care of the sugar bowl.
We'll rendezvous as soon as we can.
- Promise me you'll rescue the children.
- I promise.
- Promise me you'll take care of yourself.
- Of course.
Promise me we'll see each other again.
This story isn't over yet.
Actually, this story ends tonight.
We'll see about that.
Haven't we done this too many times? A hero, a villain, a dusty saloon - There's always a few new twists.
- [SHATTERS] [JACQUES] Aren't you tired of the schemes? The disguises? The same routine again and again? It could end tonight if you come with me quietly.
- [PIANO PLAYS DISCORDANTLY] - It's more fun to be loud.
[GRUNTING] - Bull's-eye.
- No, it's a boar tusk.
And don't try to flatter me.
I've had it with you and your organization.
You didn't always feel that way.
You were one of us.
You could be again.
I know what happened that night at the opera, and I'm sorry.
- Are you now? - I am now.
Turn yourself in.
I promise we won't throw the book at you, old friend.
I can't promise the same.
Meaning? I said, I can't promise the same.
[SIGHS] Those old people were right.
Books are dangerous.
The heavy ones at least.
[BOTH LAUGH] Oh, lookee here.
A crowbar in a crow bar.
It was me or you, old friend.
[CAWING] [LEMONY] There is a word to describe a large number of crows.
It is not a pleasant word.
It is full of sorrow and sadness.
A large number of crows is called a murder.
It is a word that will forever make me think of that morning in the Village of Fowl Devotees.
[CAWING] A morning so sad, I wish I could strike it from the Snicket calendar forever.
According to the blueprints, the weakest spot of the wall should be here.
Good luck.
- Count Olaf's been murdered! - What did you say? He said, "Count Olaf's been murdered!" [BOTH] What did they say? They said, "Count Olaf has been murdered.
" [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]