A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

The Hostile Hospital: Part Two

1 Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are hiding In a place crawling with doctors Count Olaf's close behind them With his troop of lousy actors Something dreadful happens With a big, sharp rusty knife So if I were you I'd find some other way To spend your life Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away [SUNNY BABBLES] [KLAUS] We have to keep going, Sunny.
I'm tired, too, but we have to find Violet before it's too late.
Do you think it's true one of our parents survived the fire? It is difficult to describe how Klaus and Sunny felt, hiding in the mail delivery vents at Heimlich Hospital.
So, allow me to explain it by describing something that happened to my good friend, Mr.
Sirin was a lepidopterist, a word which usually means a person who studies butterflies.
In Mr.
Sirin's case, it also meant one who is being pursued by government officials.
- [KNOCKING] - [MAN] Open up.
We're here for your butterflies.
As the secret police closed in, Mr.
Sirin opened his mouth as wide as he could and swallowed every last butterfly, alive and whole.
Sirin was captured, but his butterflies were safe from government questioning.
You see? There's your problem right there.
It is in his memory that, when a situation is particularly fraught or tense, a person is said to have butterflies in their stomach.
Having butterflies in one's stomach is not a pleasant feeling, but it is the best way to describe how Klaus and Sunny felt, hiding in the vents at a hostile hospital, watching Count Olaf and Esmé Squalor drag their sister toward perils unknown.
[AS OLAF] My diagnosis is you've been captured.
In my medical opinion, it all has to go.
You're not real doctors.
You'll never get away with this.
[GRUNTS] You're right about one of those things.
We've got to rescue Violet and get out of this hostile hospital.
What the devil? [STAMMERING] My files, my films, my paperwork.
I file this under "D" for both disaster and deceit.
Who would do such a terrible thing? [OVER PA] Attention.
This is Dr.
Mattathias Medical School, Head of Human Resources and Hospital Administration.
I have nothing to do with party planning.
Please be aware that two of the three Baudelaire murderers have been spotted in the hospital.
If you see any children whom you recognize from the Daily Punctilio, please capture them and give them to the most stylish nurse you can find.
Thank you.
[AS OLAF] I'm in the mood for fish and chips.
- The intercom.
- What? - The intercom.
- "Inter" what? Oh.
[MUFFLED MUMBLING] Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
You really do tie a beautiful bow, Esmé.
I just thought she needed a little sprucing up.
[MUFFLED SPEAKING] I'm sorry, I can't hear you with the tape over your mouth.
I said [SCREAMS] [BREATHING HEAVILY] So melodramatic.
[EXHALES] You're not really Dr.
Medical School, are you? You're that awful Count Olaf.
Ding, ding, ding.
What a fool I've been.
I should have known better than to circumvent bureaucracy for a handsome stranger.
Easy, sister.
I'm not done with you, Babs.
You helped me capture Violet, and now you're going to help me hide her.
Ha! You couldn't hide a binder clip here.
The paperwork keeps track of everything from surgical knives to a cookie dropped behind the X-ray machine.
Anybody in this hospital would stick out like a sore thumb if their name wasn't on today's patient list, which is a complete list of all the patients here.
Then I'll just take your clipboard.
What? No.
Anything but my clipboard.
Take my eyeballs! Take my feet! I need my clip [MUFFLED MUMBLING] [BOTH] What now, boss? It's elementary.
If we devise a fake name for Violet, we can hide her amongst the patients, so her siblings won't be able to find her until we want them to, that is.
[CHUCKLES DEVIOUSLY] - [BOTH CHUCKLE] - The hunter has become the hunted.
That makes no sense.
You catch more flies with honey.
Catch more Who's the fly I thought that was vinegar.
You're the honey and those orphans are Sometimes I drink a whole glass of vinegar if no one's watching.
Sometimes I wonder about you two.
[BANGING] Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
Get up, lazy bones.
We're distributing today's patient list.
- And they're totally real names, too.
- Totally.
They sure look real to me.
Come on, everybody.
Vocal warm-ups.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la [KLAUS] Violet must be somewhere in this hospital.
Otherwise, Olaf and Esmé would have left by now.
We have to find her.
- [BABBLES] - I don't know.
Olaf is watching us through the security cameras and the rest might recognize us as "murderers" from the Daily Punctilio.
We are Volunteers Fighting Disease And we're cheerful all day long If someone said that we were sad That person would be wrong Tra-la-la Fiddle-dee-dee Hope you get well soon Ho-ho-ho Hey! - Could we have some balloons? - Of course, brother.
- Take two and start singing.
- [KLAUS CHUCKLES] We visit patients in their beds And get them to cheer up Even when they donate blood Or pee into a cup The boss said to keep the girl on ice until we're ready for her.
- That sounds cold.
- It's an expression.
- Oh.
- She's just in one of these rooms.
[SUNNY BABBLES] We need a way to search all the rooms.
Time to visit all these rooms.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] - Could you call a nurse? - [VOLUNTEERS WHISTLING] I was supposed to take painkillers, but nobody came by to give them to me.
Sorry, we don't have time for that.
We have to visit each and every room in this hospital so we have to move quickly.
A cheerful attitude is much more effective at fighting illness than painkillers or water.
So, cheer up and enjoy your balloon.
Let's see.
Next on our list is Bernard Roovoo in room 105 of the Plague Ward.
- Come on, brothers and sisters.
- [VOLUNTEERS CHEER] Water, please.
[VOLUNTEERS] We visit victims everywhere And try to calm them down Even when their raw, red throats Make their faces frown - Water.
- [COUGHING] We sing and sing and sing and sing You cannot turn us off The cheerful lyrics work like pills And might improve your cough We visit people with bad mouths Whose tongues swell up with sores Our songs bring lots of sunshine in Although they're stuck indoors Comfy? Klaus and Sunny will find me.
Oh, I'm counting on it.
If I know your siblings, your brainy brother will follow the clues right into my clutches.
We've outsmarted you every time.
We'll do it again.
I don't think you will outsmart me, not this time.
Have you ever hunted, Violet? Of course not.
Well, if you had, you'd be familiar with a particular experience.
There's a particular moment, at the end of a long hunt, when you have the animal cornered.
And the animal looks into your eyes, deep into them, to see if there's any mercy in there.
And when it sees that there is not it gives up.
It gives its life to you.
Well, I have you cornered, Violet, and I have no mercy.
Soon enough, your siblings will fall into my trap.
And when they do, I won't be satisfied with just your fortune.
This time, I will obliterate you and the entire Baudelaire line in the cruelest way imaginable.
Won't that be fun? Darling, Hooky had a question about which bone saw is scariest, and I'm just not sure.
Be right there, my pet.
Well, a fake doctor's work is never done.
Oh, I wouldn't bother screaming for help.
In a hospital, screams are perfectly normal.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING] Am I right? [WHISTLES] Let's do the verse about leprosy.
[LAUGHS] We visit folks with leprosy And sing them songs as such We're careful not to touch them, though Or breathe in very much [SUNNY BABBLES] You're right.
I don't think this is a good use of our time.
We haven't seen a sign of Violet.
[BABBLES] This is a break room for doctors.
I wish we were doctors.
Then we could search this hospital.
[BABBLES] Good thinking.
If Olaf can fool people using disguises, then maybe we can, too.
I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach, not just a toddler strapped to it.
[SIGHS] How are you doing there? [BABBLES] Let's hope this works.
That's better.
[PANTING] [SCREAMS] I'm gonna get us both out of here, but you have to be quiet and do as I say.
- Do you understand? - Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna untie you now, but you have to stay still, okay? [LAUGHING] Why are you laughing? Sorry.
Sometimes I laugh when I'm very, very frightened.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I hate hospitals.
Always have.
Scariest places on Earth.
If you hate hospitals, why work in one? I wanted to work for the post office, but everyone said that was a pipe dream.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I have to find my siblings and get away from Olaf.
What's the fastest way out of this hospital? There is no fast way.
First, file the release papers in quadruplicate, and then those have to be authorized.
Is there a way out of here that doesn't involve paperwork? You can die.
[LAUGHS] Or you can take a left at the next hall.
The exit's that way.
[DOOR CLOSES] There's someone coming.
If we disguise ourselves, we can roam around freely.
What Klaus would do.
Are you suggesting we pretend to have medical degrees that we don't actually have? [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] You have to be quiet.
Sorry, I'm just so nervous.
You're calling attention.
Let me sleep.
I'm on a break.
I've never faked anything in my life! The very thought is preposterous.
It's unthinkable.
It's exhilarating.
Yes! Let's do it! Put on this coat.
Just be quiet.
By gum, I want to live! [MATTATHIAS] Well, that's a shame.
We don't always get what we want.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] - Still think you can outsmart me? - What have you done with Babs? You were such a bad influence on her, we had to separate you two.
But that's all right.
We will fix your delinquent behavior once and for all.
We found the anesthesia machine.
This makes me see colored bubbles.
Now, shh.
Just relax [BREATHING HEAVILY] - And count backward from ten.
- [LULLABY PLAYING] What are you gonna do to me? Shh.
[ECHOING] Night-night.
[VOLUNTEERS] We sing While walking down the hall And then consult our list To see the names of anyone Who just might have a cyst [BABBLES] You're right.
The volunteers have a list of all the patients.
Maybe we can get them to give us a look at it.
Uh, you! [IN DEEP VOICE] You, you, you.
Me, sir? Yes, you.
I have misplaced my patient list.
I was wondering if I could have yours.
Patient list? But patient lists are precious.
We get them every morning from Oh, hello, other doctor.
[AS MATTATHIAS] Yes? Perhaps you can help this first doctor I was talking to.
How may I be of service? He lost his patient list, so he can't find his patients.
[MATTATHIAS] Is that so? You look very familiar.
What is your name, Doctor? My name is Dr.
Faustus? - MD.
- You look terribly young to be a doctor.
Where did you attend medical school, Dr.
Faustus? Uh, Oxford, obviously.
" [SNICKERS] Sounds made-up.
Medical School, may I have a peek at your list? Why don't you follow me back to my otherwise deserted office, and I'll make you a copy.
- Looks like you could use the exercise.
- [SUNNY COOS] There's no time to lose.
I have a patient in need of medicine.
And you wouldn't want all these witnesses to know you let a patient die on your watch now, would you, Dr.
Medical School? You both seem pretty legit, to be honest.
You're both wearing medical coats.
Just a quick glance.
There, I saved a life today.
Please hold the applause.
Just doing my job.
You could applaud a bit.
The camaraderie at this hospital is really inspiring.
Tra-la-la Fiddle-dee-dee Hope you get well soon Ha-ha-ha Hee-hee-hee [AS KLAUS] Now we'll never get our hands on that list.
Sunny, you are amazing.
She's not here.
How can we find her if her name's not on the list? [BABBLES] Good thinking.
Count Olaf often uses a ridiculous fake name.
Wait, that makes me think of something Duncan wrote in his notes.
Duncan wrote "Ana Gram.
" I thought that was a name, but it's a clue.
An anagram is a word created by rearranging letters in a different word, like that playwright Al Funcoot.
If you rearrange the letters, you get [BABBLES] "Yikes" is right.
Olaf uses anagrams when he wants to hide something, and, right now, he's hiding our sister.
So, if we find the anagram, we find Violet.
[COUGHING] Excuse me, but I was visiting that bird town on business when I came down with light-headedness.
I'm afraid I might have picked up swine flu.
If you'd like to see a doctor, fill out the paperwork.
An institution after my own heart.
This hospital once had the finest records this side of the Mortmain Mountains.
But that's gone now.
My life's work has been destroyed.
That paperwork can never be re-filed.
You could use a secretary.
In my experience, people who say they want to help you let you down the most.
I know what you mean.
My secretary disappeared into the Hinterlands somewhere.
[CONTINUES COUGHING] Shall I just wait here? [SIGHS] I just love hospitals.
I used to.
This is taking too long.
There's too many names.
You're right, we can eliminate any name without a "v.
" We know Violet Baudelaire has 16 letters.
We must find her before Olaf does something horrible.
[AS OLAF] Scalpel? Check.
Bone saw? Check.
Skull drill? [BOTH] Check.
It's time.
Let's lose our first patient.
Well, look at this name.
Laura V.
Rearrange the letters, and you get It says she's in room 922.
[SNIFFS] It smells like disinfectant.
I know.
I'm hungry, too.
[KLAUS] She's not here, Sunny.
Who's not here Doctor? [AS FAUSTUS] Do you know what happened to the patient that was in this room? Do you mean the ugly little girl with the big mouth? She's being prepped for surgery.
- Surgery? - Yes, so you're just in time.
You are desperately needed in the operating theater.
In precisely five minutes, we will perform the world's first cranioectomy on a teenage girl.
[STAMMERING] Well, "cranio" means head, and "ectomy" means to remove something.
You know very big words.
You must be a very good doctor.
Let's find out how good.
[MATTATHIAS OVER PA] We all hope this very dangerous operation is a complete success.
But, as always, in the field of medicine, stuff happens.
If you're wondering about my enormous, terrifying knife, the answer is, yes, it's incredibly sharp.
Butterflies in your stomach, Dr.
Faustus? Don't worry.
This is going to be fun.
- Program? - Program.
I can't believe I got tickets to this operation.
It sold out mere moments after going on sale.
- I hope it's a musical.
- I brought my opera glasses.
They were an anniversary gift from my wife.
[COUGHING] You ought to have someone take a look at that cough, buddy.
Cough? [HOOK-HANDED MAN] The show is about to begin.
Please find your places and silence all mechanical devices.
Faustus, I've been eagerly awaiting you.
And so has our little sleeping beauty here.
Well, hurry along, Dr.
The anesthesia won't last forever.
Don't forget this.
You'll need it.
I do hope she doesn't wake up in the middle of the operation.
Doctors, nurses, Volunteers Fighting Disease, gore fans, regular people, welcome to the operating theater of Heimlich Hospital.
I am Dr.
Mattathias Medical School, and these are my associates.
- Nurse Flo.
- Nurse Glo.
Nurse Lucafont.
And I am Nurse Cassandra Ursula Terrific Elliandra And, of course, the man who will be performing the operation, the marvelous Dr.
As I'm sure you've heard, a cranioectomy is a procedure in which the patient's head is removed.
Scientists have discovered that many health problems are rooted in the brainial area.
So, the best thing to do for the patient is remove the head altogether.
Now, a cranioectomy is as dangerous as it is necessary.
There is a chance that the patient may tragically die during the operation, leaving their enormous fortune up for grabs.
But sometimes we make sacrifices in the name of advancement.
Isn't that so, Dr.
Faustus? [BREATHING HEAVILY] [AS KLAUS] What do we do? [BABBLES] When you read books, you are going to learn information that might not be useful for a long time.
Then suddenly, like a strike of lightning [THUNDERCLAP] or a grand piano falling out of a window, an opportunity arises to use the information gleaned from even the most unlikely piece of reading.
[PIANO CRASHES] [AS FAUSTUS] Before I make the first incision, [STAMMERS] I think I should talk a little bit about the equipment I'm using.
In the case of Klaus, it was an obscure book from the Baudelaire library, The Complete and Total History of Knives.
This is a knife.
We know it's a knife.
Now let's see you use it.
Any real doctor would never perform a procedure without explaining everything first.
And we are both real doctors, aren't we? - [MOUTHS INAUDIBLY] - [ALL MURMUR] Keep it short, Doctor.
The knife is the oldest surgical tool in the world.
Early knives have been found in Mayan tombs, Egyptian temples.
[HISSES] There are many different types of knife, which I'm going to list for you now.
- This is very interesting.
- [CHUCKLES] There's the pen knife, the pocket knife, the butter knife What a lengthy explanation, but it's time for the main event.
Yes, all these lovely people will understand the process better once the head has been removed.
Do it.
Yeah, cut off her head.
Do it.
[ALL] Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Wait! I I cannot perform this operation.
Why not? There is one thing to be done.
The most important thing we do here at Heimlich Hospital.
And what might that be? Paperwork.
[ALL GASP] We haven't done the paperwork.
Paperwork! Yes, of course! Somebody call Hal.
I will! I'll go get him right now! [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Just a brief pause, ladies and gentlemen.
[FRUSTRATEDLY] A minor interruption.
You may have found a way to stall, but sooner or later, the show will go on, and there will be blood.
Unless - [AS KLAUS] Unless? - [AS OLAF] Unless? You give me what I want.
We'll stop this operation right now if you give me the item you stole from the Library of Records last night.
It's mine.
Why would we stop? The whole point Mine, mine, mine, mine, - mine, mine, mine, mine! - [GRUNTS] [OLAF BREATHING HEAVILY] [STAMMERS] If it will save Violet, then [GASPS] Oh, at last! [KISSES] This isn't the sugar bowl.
[STAMMERS] Sugar bowl? That's the Snicket file.
Snicket file? What's this? You Now let Violet go.
[AS MATTATHIAS] It has come to my attention that this man is an impostor.
- [ALL GASP] - He is not a doctor at all.
He's two children, neither of which have graduated from medical school.
[CROWD MURMURING] Oh, my gosh, it's those Baudelaires.
[ALL GASP] Baudelaires? You're not doctors.
No, they're murderers.
They killed Count Olaf.
- Who? - He He's a very handsome actor.
[AS KLAUS] We didn't kill anybody.
These people disguised my sister so they could chop off her head.
They did what? Violet.
[ESMÉ] Don't be ridiculous.
You're the one trying to saw off her head.
I think it's best the children come along with me.
Not that I would believe a stranger over you Baudelaires, but if you're not murderers, why sneak into the hospital in disguise? I think I can explain that.
- We're glad to see you.
- [ALL GASP] Well, I'm glad to see you, too, even if you are a bit blurry.
I thought for sure you would have snuck away after your prolonged and treacherous vandalism.
Vandalism? That's terrible.
It was terrible.
These three Baudelaire murderers pretended to be volunteers.
[ESMÉ GASPS] They made a fake key ring and switched it for the real one, so that they could break into the Library of Records and destroy any files about their crimes.
I thought you were my friends.
We didn't mean to destroy anything.
I'm sorry we tricked you, and I am so sorry about your library, but we're not the real criminals here.
[BREATHES HEAVILY] The real criminals are Where's Count Olaf? [INDISTINCT CHATTER] I suppose I should start at the beginning.
But, before I do, I have an important update.
It seems there may have been a survivor of the fire.
[AS OLAF] What? - [VFD AGENT] Did you say - That's right.
[OLAF AND VFD AGENT] I can't believe it.
This changes everything.
This is Dr.
Mattathias Medical School, with some very important news.
A terrible fire has broken out - in the Heimlich Hospital.
- [ALL GASP] The fire was set in the Library of Records by the Baudelaire murderers.
Please arrest them and bring them to me.
Oh, and you might want to evacuate the building.
Or move the patients or something.
Thank you.
We couldn't have started that fire.
We've been in this theater.
Surround them! Capture those Baudelaires! We'll perform surgery on all three of you.
What? No, the children will go to prison, of course.
They'll be in juvenile detention until they come of age.
They should be tried as adults.
[WHITE-FACED WOMAN 2] Murderers should get the chair.
These are just children! Very small chairs, then.
Go! - Hal, please.
- You destroyed my library.
- [CRUNCHES] - Ow! The baby bit me! [MR.
POE] Get the Baudelaires! [ALARM BLARING] Don't let them get away! Tackle them! - This is like PE class all over again.
- [VOLUNTEER] Murderers! [HOOK-HANDED MAN] Get 'em! - We're in trouble.
- I see that.
[VOLUNTEERS] The hospital Is burning down It really is a shame And the worst part is The Baudelaires are totally to blame [SUNNY BABBLES] This way.
This way.
- [BANGS] - Now I need a doctor.
We need your help.
The hospital is on fire.
We have to get out.
- I'll try.
How high up are we? - Uh Uh, thirty, forty feet.
Too high to jump.
There's a crowd, too.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR] Open up in there.
Please? [BREATHING HEAVILY] - The film, do you have it? - We had to give it to Esmé.
We have to focus on getting out.
I don't have my ribbon.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF] Thank you, Sunny.
I know it's silly, but it helps.
[VOLUNTEERS SINGING] The surgical tubing.
Tie it up, make a cord.
and soon it will be ashes All the patients have to leave Even those with rashes I'll tie it to the pipe with the Devil's Tongue knot - so we can break our fall.
- Is that safe? Many people jump from high places on long, rubbery cords for fun.
We can do it to escape.
- If it's 40 feet, we won't make it.
- If it's 30, we might.
- We won't leave you behind again.
- I'll hold on to you.
[WOMAN] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I have butterflies in my stomach.
Hold on tight.
Here I am.
Nurse Lucafont.
[LEMONY] Many things in this world I do not know.
I don't know exactly how caterpillars know to create their cocoons.
I don't know how some people are brave enough to follow their passion in a world set out to destroy them.
Oh, not again.
I do not know where the Baudelaire children are or if they are safe or alive.
There is one thing I do know.
The window in the supply closet in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes in Heimlich Hospital is not 30 or 40 feet off the ground.
It's 20, which is one foot higher than the length of the cord.
So when the children leapt into the smoky air, Violet's invention worked perfectly.
Ow! We survived.
That really stung.
Act casual.
- Keep your eyes open for the Baudelaires.
- I'll find them.
I know I will.
[BOTH PANTING] Hurry up or I'll leave you behind.
Coming! Open the trunk.
I'll throw these costumes in.
This is horrific.
We never found the sugar bowl after the librarian told us it was here.
- It's worse than that.
- I know, and the Baudelaire brats escaped again.
It's very, very worse than that.
There may be a survivor of the Baudelaire fire.
[VIOLET PANTING] The police and the fire department are here.
They already think we're murderers.
Now they'll think we're arsonists.
We need an escape.
- I think we already have one.
- [KLAUS] What? We can't wander the Hinterlands, hoping we don't get captured.
Getting into that trunk is getting captured.
[MURMURING IMPATIENTLY] Get in the car this instant! I'm leaving on the count of three.
Just one second, boss.
We're waiting for you-know-who.
Stings real bad.
- Two! - [HENCHPERSON] Oh.
[PANTING] What choice do we have? [CAR DOOR CLOSES] Three.
What's next, boss? How should I know? I'm not psychic.
POE COUGHING] Let me help you.
My paperwork, my clipboard, it's all gone.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've lost a lot of paperwork myself and three orphans.
[ENGINE RATTLING] I guess we're still on the lam.
We're alive, and we're together.
I am alone this evening, alone because of a cruel twist of fate, a phrase which means nothing has gone the way I thought it would.
I was once a content man with a comfortable home, a successful career, a woman that I loved very much, and an extremely reliable typewriter.
But it's all gone, and all I have to remember those happy days is this tattoo on my ankle.
It's all gone.
It's all gone.
Sometimes life feels like some dismal story presented as entertainment by some cruel and invisible author.
It isn't a pleasant way to feel.
But what choice do we have? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]