A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s03e02 Episode Script
The Slippery Slope: Part 2
1 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are trapped in mountains covered up in snow More villains have arrived And there is no place they can go It's a horrid way to start up this Our third and final season Anyone still watching it has clearly lost all reason Just look away Look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away Look away, look away - Look away, look away - Look away, look away Look away, look away - You're Quigley Quagmire.
- We heard you perished in a fire.
I survived.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and I have spent years, months, and countless consecutive and nonconsecutive days investigating how a person might survive a fire.
A person might survive if he was unable to sleep, so instead of being in bed with his siblings, he was in the kitchen drinking hot cider with his mother, who smelled the smoke and helped him into a secret tunnel under the house while she went to get the rest of the family.
- [GASPS.]
- [QUIGLEY.]
She never came back.
I was an orphan.
We know exactly how that feels.
I know you do.
The survivor might follow the tunnel until it led to a house An empty house filled with empty cages that once held the finest reptile collection in the world.
[KLAUS.]
Our Uncle Monty lived there.
[QUIGLEY.]
No one lives there now.
[LEMONY.]
You might find canned peaches to eat [SCREECHING.]
[PANTING.]
And books to read.
With a little research, you might learn of a secret organization and the schism that tore it apart.
[BELL DINGS.]
You might learn other startling information.
[BELL DINGS.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
Next stop, Prufrock Prep! [BELL DINGS.]
Next stop, Dark Avenue! [BELL DINGS.]
Next stop, the Hinterlands, the Mortmain Mountains, and a bunch of even more dangerous destinations! [BELL DINGS.]
He might even read about a secret mountain headquarters and join a group of Snow Scouts as a cover in case the people who burned down his home are still out there.
This place was my last hope to finding my brother and sister.
Duncan and Isadora are safe.
They escaped Count Olaf in a self-sustaining hot air mobile home.
- How do you know? - We helped them.
- They're our friends.
- Where are they? We're not sure, but they are safe.
We were hoping to find one of our parents up here.
But we're glad we found you.
And we'll find Sunny.
You saved my siblings, Baudelaires.
Let me help you save yours.
[BEARDED MAN.]
So this is Sunny Baudelaire.
[OLAF.]
I threw her siblings off a mountain and I'm keeping her as my servant.
Look who's not a total disappointment after all.
An infant servant.
I had one of those myself before the schism.
The schism was a long time ago.
That baby must be all grown up.
Not necessarily.
You've caused almost as many problems as your parents did.
But we know how to solve problems, don't we? [BEARDED MAN.]
Fire can solve any problem in the world.
For example, we heard a nasty rumor that the survivor of a recent fire was hiding at V.
F.
D.
headquarters, so we paid it a visit.
There aren't any survivors now.
Sorry, just to be clear, when you say there aren't survivors, do you mean you killed them or didn't find them? I'm a bit confused.
The place was deserted.
The rumors were obviously false.
We did run into one of your old associates, the Snicket girl.
- What did you do with her? - She got away.
[WOMAN.]
She won't get far.
She's in the middle of the mountains.
[BEARDED MAN.]
And she's all alone.
[COUGHING.]
You're awake! You were out cold, and I don't mean just because of the temperature.
I went to get us some breakfast.
I found these berries.
Those are poisonous.
- Argh! - Mr.
Poe, I'm grateful for the help, the granola bar, and the horse blanket that smelled like nail polish, but I need to get back to the city.
Where there's smoke, there's fire, and [KNIFE SLASHES.]
- [SIGHS.]
I've seen a lot of smoke.
- I was a Snow Scout in my youth, and even a peewee-level dropout can see that you're in no condition to walk down a mountain.
I'm planning to ski.
Perhaps I could be accommodating and give you a ride.
- You have a car? - I was thinking of going to the city.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I hope that's true of Mr.
Tamerlane.
He was very mad at me when I left.
How would you like more than just a ride? How would you like a desk job in the financial sector? - I prefer to work on my feet.
- We have an opening.
My longtime secretary recently returned to Winnipeg.
It seems that her mother passed away, and now she's the duchess of something.
- It'll be plenty of excitement.
- [BUZZING.]
[LEMONY.]
"Where there's smoke, there's fire" is an expression that means if something seems wrong, it usually is.
I can promise you the office will be buzzing with activity.
I can hear it now.
I need you to move toward me very quickly and very quietly.
[BUZZING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ice bees! I may need that ride.
[LEMONY.]
I'm sorry to say that there is a great deal of wrong at the top of Mount Fraught mostly for Sunny Baudelaire.
This is a great deal of wrong, for me! I am supposed to be at the top of the world, but instead, those two show up, try and berate and belittle me.
Do you know how it feels to try so hard to please people who fail to recognize your talent? - Not at all.
- I need a cigarette, or whatever these green sticks are.
I got it.
[OLAF.]
Hm.
[SPLUTTERS.]
[COUGHING.]
You seem stressed, boss.
You should take some deep breaths.
Maybe a short constitutional.
I don't have time to read a bunch of amendments! I need to find a way to have my mentors think I'm a raging success.
- What if I put on a show? - Is that a good idea? They don't seem like they appreciate the arts.
It's not a good idea.
It's a stupendous idea! A little song, a little dance, a monologue from The Taming of Macbeth.
What's more beloved than dinner theater? It's breakfast.
It will be, once the baby cooks it.
And it better be hot this time, baby! Sunny Baudelaire had several problems she needed to solve.
She was being held captive by villains on top of a mountain and needed an escape.
She needed to cook a hot breakfast for those same villains with only a few cold salmon, and she needed a way to signal to the V.
F.
D.
agent she'd recently heard was on the mountain, who she hoped might be able to rescue her.
What kind of baby doesn't know how to start a fire? Smoking is very, very bad for you.
So only use this to cook with.
Got it? Hurry, I'm famished! [LEMONY.]
It was a terrible situation, but Sunny had watched her siblings escape many terrible situations with clever ideas.
So when Count Olaf gave her that odd, green cigarette, it gave her an idea that could solve all of her problems.
You're gonna use that odd, green cigarette to smoke that salmon? Hey, that's a clever idea.
[VIOLET.]
Look, green smoke.
That's odd.
It's coming from Mount Fraught.
It's a Verdant Flammable Device.
I read that V.
F.
D.
use them for sending signals.
- So it could be someone from V.
F.
D.
- Or it could be Sunny.
- We have to get up there.
- It's a long way to the top.
We have to go back through the Vernacularly Fastened Door, down the Vertical Flame Diversion, and hike the same road the Scouts There's a more direct way to the top.
No, there's not.
Look at the map.
Look at the waterfall.
[ESMÃ.]
So I said, "Oh, I know! We'll take the elevator," and I pushed them! How elegant.
- If ineffective.
- They were certainly scared.
I thought their eyes were going to pop out of their heads! Olaf could learn from you, my dear.
He's so flashy, so theatrical.
He has to make everything a big production.
[OLAF.]
Drumroll! Curtain! Toss it up.
I mean, down curtain.
[DRUM ROLL CONTINUES.]
La Lady and gentleman, prepare for a tale so horrifying it will make the hair on your head stand straight up.
Ooh, no.
Uh, fall right out.
Ooh, that's also not It is a tale of arson and murder.
The herpetologist, poisoned by his own venom.
The fullygrown woman fed to fullygrown leeches.
The volunteers murdered to death in various scenic locales.
But most of all, it is the tale of me.
For I am the one who committed all of those terrible deeds.
Me, Count Olaf, the handsomest, most successful, most deserving-of-approval person alive! [HOWLING.]
Maybe we should just move along to the production number.
And a one, and a two, - and a three, four, five! - [ALL SINGING.]
Enough! [MUSIC STOPS.]
When we recruited you, it was to spread fire and destruction across the land.
Not to prance around with a bunch of talentless fools.
[BEARDED MAN.]
Who call themselves actors.
Personally, I would never want to act.
I'm in the financial sector.
It was all going swimmingly until you botched the cue! Speaking of swimming, the smoked salmon smells great.
Fools! The smoke went out.
Maybe the Verdant Flammable Device burnt out.
Or maybe the person signaling got caught.
What were you thinking, giving a Verdant Flammable Device to Sunny Baudelaire? - Ow! - How dare you give a cigarette to a baby? But I didn't.
Ow! It isn't a cigarette.
It's a signaling device.
That baby just broadcast our location to every V.
F.
D.
agent for a hundred miles! I thought you were a prisoner, but I'm beginning to think you're a spy.
- She doesn't sound like a spy.
- She sounds like a helpless baby.
Yeah, listen to her baby talk.
Oh, please.
I've seen better performances from a chimp with a cymbal.
She's just acting like a helpless baby.
I know.
I'm an actor.
[OLAF.]
Babies are always plotting against people, and this one is the worst.
I would throw the little traitor off this mountain right now if I didn't need her alive to get the Baudelaire fortune.
The Baudelaire fortune? I've been after it for a long time, and it's finally in my grasp.
The Baudelaire fortune is small potatoes.
No, I'm pretty sure it's money.
We taught you to think big.
Yeah, a big pile of money.
Why settle for one fortune When you can have them all? Well, that sounds promising.
Come, Olaf.
You too, Miss Squalor.
It's time you learned why we're really on this mountain.
[DISCORDANT MUSIC.]
[QUIGLEY.]
It sounds like something terrible is happening up there.
I hope Violet can invent a way up the waterfall.
Look what I found.
I salvaged these from the rubble.
See the names? [KLAUS.]
Dr.
Toronado.
Father took us to her engineering lectures.
C.
M.
Comstock.
Mother gave me her book on female pirates.
I know.
That's where I learned the Devil's Tongue Knot.
[KLAUS.]
Who's L.
Snicket? I read his book on maps and his tutorial on the accordion.
It's like our parents were training us for V.
F.
D.
and we didn't know it.
As if they knew one day they wouldn't be here.
Let's use what they gave us.
[LEMONY.]
There are often people in our lives who are not our parents, but who teach us important things.
These people are called mentors.
One of the great sadnesses of the Baudelaire case is that Violet never got to work alongside V.
F.
D.
's great inventors and researchers at their secret mountain headquarters, but she had read their work in the books her parents had given her.
Quigley, hand me the candelabra.
[LEMONY.]
So when Violet used a candelabra to hammer some damaged forks into shape, she could almost hear Dr.
Toronado saying, "Mind the tines, Violet.
They can be delicate.
" [SIGHS.]
[LEMONY.]
When she took some strings from a burnt ukulele, she imagined my good friend Mrs.
Comstock saying, "Have you considered the Sumac knot?" And when Violet said It's time for a durability test.
it was almost as if she could hear a man named Snicket say, "If this works, pistachios for everyone!" It works.
Pistachios for everyone! Of course, not all mentors are good.
Many years ago in my own organization, there were those who prayed on impressionable minds by taking them in at a point in their life when they might be particularly lost or vulnerable.
[BEARDED MAN.]
You look lost.
How can I be lost? There are signs everywhere, which seems kind of dumb for a secret organization.
[WOMAN.]
We mean figuratively.
Who are you? Wait.
You're that man with the hair and the woman with the beard, or vice versa.
- I've heard about you.
- And vice versa.
We know what happened at the opera.
[WOMAN.]
And we know how you've spent your nights since.
Wandering these tunnels.
- Directionless.
- Alone.
- Have you been following me? - With great interest, for some time.
Your friends in V.
F.
D.
betrayed you, but a young man with your talents doesn't need friends.
He needs guidance.
I'll pass.
I'm a tortured, brooding loner now.
I've even taken up journaling.
I'd rather be alone.
Why, what a pity.
There's so much we could teach you.
[LEMONY.]
Bad mentors can lead you down a slippery slope, whether you encounter them years later at the top of a mountain, or you belong to their acting troupe.
They've been in that tent for a while.
I wonder what they're planning.
- I hope it's a picnic.
- It's never a picnic.
Not anymore.
I joined Count Olaf because I thought he could teach me things, like how to harness my natural charisma into a career in the performing arts.
[SIGHS.]
But I'm beginning to question my life choices.
I know what you mean.
I get the serious creeps from those serious creeps.
They definitely killed those carnival freaks.
- Oh, yeah.
- Dead as doornails.
What do you think they're up to, baby? [VIOLET.]
The waterfall will be slippery.
The tines on these forks will dig into the ice.
[KLAUS.]
I think you should see this.
I was searching to see if any of the books survived the fire.
- I found this in the poetry section.
- [QUIGLEY.]
"Odes"? [VIOLET.]
"Codes.
" V.
F.
D.
have a secret way to leave coded messages in case of fires.
There might be a message hidden now.
Then somebody needs to find it.
Quigley, how are you at cracking codes? I can try, but I'm better at reading maps.
You're better at climbing too.
I saw you in the Vertical Flame Diversion.
You can help by saving Sunny.
I'll stay here and see what I can learn.
Are you sure? You invented a way up the mountain.
Now it's my turn to use my talents.
If Sunny's up there, we'll bring her back.
I know you will.
Thank you for volunteering.
We'll use these to pull ourselves up and test for thin ice so we don't fall.
Not falling is an excellent plan.
- Are you ready? - If we wait until we're ready We'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.
[GRUNTING.]
[VIOLET GASPS.]
[QUIGLEY.]
We should rest.
I see a ledge.
It's not much further.
[BABBLING.]
Look, I'm not happy about it either, okay? - - No way! This is totally different from the last time we locked you in a birdcage.
This birdcage is bigger.
I think it's for trapping eagles.
You're asking why a grown man would knowingly engage in morally questionable behavior? You'll understand when you're older.
Here, I got you.
This ledge is solid.
We should sit here for a moment to get our strength back.
Good idea.
You're an excellent climber.
You're an excellent inventor.
Thanks.
But let's not celebrate yet.
There's a long way to go.
Celebrate when you're half done and the finish won't be quite as fun.
My sister wrote that.
Once we find Sunny, we'll search for Duncan and Isadora.
Your glove! We'll get it on the way down.
If you have to hide a headquarters, it's a beautiful place to do it.
[VIOLET.]
It's a lovely view.
Very lovely, indeed.
[LEMONY.]
Many things have been taken from the Baudelaires since they lost their parents and their home.
One of those things is their privacy, so Instead of telling you about the few moments shared between two friends on a chilly afternoon halfway up a frozen waterfall, I will offer the eldest Baudelaire this courtesy and allow her to keep some moments to herself.
Look, I didn't set out to be a henchperson or an actor.
I was gonna be a marine biologist.
[GRUNTING.]
[VIOLET GASPS.]
It is Sunny.
She's safe.
How can we rescue her with that hook-handed man standing guard? [BABBLING.]
We've got plenty of ice water.
[BABBLING.]
I saw the boss chuck a half-empty bottle of sarsaparilla down the road, but I'm not supposed to leave you alone.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, don't give me that look.
All right.
Wait.
Sunny.
- - He's at the headquarters.
We're here to rescue you.
This is Quigley, his brother.
He survived the fire.
There's so much to tell you.
[OLAF.]
Oh, babylaire! I thought of some more demeaning tasks for you to perform.
[ESMÃ.]
You're going to cook a very fancy, very "in" dinner.
Tonight, we're celebrating False Spring! That's not all we're celebrating.
[CHUCKLES WICKEDLY.]
Where's Hooky? I told him to wait right here.
You seem to have trouble controlling your underlings.
Oh, yes, I like to let them roam.
- You know, free-range henchpeople.
- [WOMAN.]
We have a job for you.
There's a camp in the woods.
There you will find a tarp.
Bring it here and lay it over the road.
That sounds like work.
Why do we have to do it? You'll do it because we say so.
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.
We've already yelled at the baby.
There's not much else to do here anyway.
You're too concerned about that baby, Olaf.
After tonight, countless orphans and their fortunes will be ours.
Are you sure that they're all orphans? Not yet, they're not.
[PANTING.]
Who were those horrible people? [BABBLING.]
They're the ones who burned down V.
F.
D.
headquarters? Let's go.
I can strap you to my shoulders and carry you down.
Of course you are.
We came here to rescue you.
Who's Mata Hari? She's the Dutch courtesan who spied on Germany during World War One.
Sunny's saying she wants to stay here and spy.
[BABBLING.]
Those villains were talking about making more orphans.
If Sunny could find out what they're planning, we could prevent this from happening to anyone else.
I can't leave her behind.
She's my baby sister! [MAN.]
Hey, baby, you'd better not be getting in trouble! He's coming back.
We have to go.
I can't leave you.
How are you gonna get out? [BABBLING.]
Here, take my lock pick.
[VIOLET.]
You can use that toboggan to escape.
Violet! How did you get to be so brave? [WHISPERS.]
Come on.
I couldn't find the sarsaparilla, but look what I got.
Parsley soda! [PANTING.]
Did you find Sunny? She was the one who was sending the signal.
She's safe.
She knows who burned down the headquarters.
A man with a beard but no hair.
And a woman with hair but no beard.
Count Olaf was afraid of them.
- And you left her? - They're planning something bad.
They were talking about making more orphans.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Sunny wanted to spy to find out more.
- She's just a baby.
She can't be a spy.
- She's not a baby anymore.
She's gonna meet us down here as soon as she finds out anything.
It was her idea.
She insisted.
- She insisted? - She volunteered.
- Then I guess we have to trust her.
- What choice do we have? Did you find anything? I found V.
F.
D.
If you were in a building about to be burnt down and you had to protect something, - where would you hide it? - A safe.
Assume you didn't have time to open the safe.
- The refrigerator.
- Exactly.
So I searched the fridge.
[QUIGLEY.]
What did you find? Verbal Fridge Dialogue.
Verbal Fridge Dialogue? Verbal Fridge Dialogue.
It's a code used in emergency situations.
If you can't send a message, you leave one using the items you find in the fridge.
Listen to this.
"The darkest of the jams of three contains the sender, look and see.
" That sounds like one of Isadora's poems.
She learned to write couplets from our parents.
Well, the poem means that the name of the person sending the message is in the darkest jar of jam.
The darkest jam is boysenberry.
J.
S.
- Jacques Snicket? - But Jacques Snicket's dead.
That's not the only thing that's strange about this message.
"Gatherings use a cured fruit-based calendar, and location can be divined via any spice-based condiment.
" J.
S.
is calling a meeting for the whole of V.
F.
D.
The number of olives is the day of the week it is.
One for Sunday, two for Monday.
- There are five olives.
- Thursday.
If this message was left during the fire, then the gathering's less than a week away.
But where is it? The only spice-based condiment is this jar of mustard.
[KLAUS.]
Read the ingredients.
"Vinegar, mustard seed, salt, turmeric, the Last Safe Place.
" The Last Safe Place.
If we find the Last Safe Place, we can find V.
F.
D.
I don't know where that is.
If the answer was in this library, then it's gone up in smoke.
Maybe Sunny can learn something.
We'll keep an eye out for her.
False spring rolls.
[MUTTERING.]
The bossery.
Do you see that? There it is again.
A little flicker of light, - like a spyglass.
- [MAN.]
A volunteer? Go fetch them, Olaf.
Me? I don't wanna.
Make the baby.
This is no job for a baby.
If there's a volunteer down there - They may have the sugar bowl.
- I'll go! I'll go! I'll go! I'm always happy to help.
I'll just slip into something more horrifying and pop right down.
The baby is watching us.
- Cover the cage! - Cover the cage! Cover the cage! Shh! I was gonna say it first.
Sorry, baby.
[QUIGLEY.]
There's someone coming down that slope! It must be Sunny! [KLAUS.]
I don't think so.
Whoever it is, they're too tall to be Sunny.
That's strange.
Yeah, it looks like they're on fire.
[VIOLET.]
It's not fire.
- It's fashion.
- Esmé.
[WHOOPING.]
[WHOOPING.]
[SIGHING.]
[YELLING.]
[CRASHING.]
[BOTTLES TINKLE.]
I thought you volunteers were supposed to be smart, but if someone is still lurking around, that's very stupid.
Your headquarters are destroyed, your worst enemies are on top of that mountain, and I'm right here and dressed to kill.
[ESMÃ.]
Boo! You're short for a volunteer, but I've always said reading stunts your growth.
Don't run.
I just want to torture you until you give me the location of the sugar bowl.
You once threw a masked ball here and didn't invite me.
Not that I care.
A face this gorgeous should never be hidden behind a mask.
Are you in the kitchen? Perhaps you're hiding in whatever this room is.
The Oh, right.
It's the hot tub room.
You'd better come out now.
When I get my hands on you, skinning you alive will be the second worst thing I've done in a hot tub.
[SNAPPING.]
- [CREAKING.]
- Argh! [CRASHING.]
I think we just trapped Esmé Squalor at the bottom of a surprisingly deep hot tub.
Is she alive? Get me out of here at once! Being trapped in a hot tub is even less "in" than getting in a hot tub on purpose.
She's alive.
- I can make a pulley to get her out.
- Or - Or? - Get me out of here! Count Olaf has someone you love.
Now we have someone he loves.
- We could arrange a trade.
- An exchange of hostages.
When my boyfriend finds out that you trapped me down here, he is going to be so angry! Olaf captures people to get what he wants.
You really want to do the same thing as him? You have to fight fire with fire.
If everyone fought fire with fire, the world would go up in smoke.
Klaus is right.
There has to be another way.
[ESMÃ.]
Klaus? Oh, this is rich.
You're not volunteers at all.
You're Baudelaires! Olaf will be so disappointed you didn't die when he dropped you off that mountain.
Of course, he'll be thrilled.
He'll get to kill you all over again.
You Didn't you float off in a bunch of balloons? I'm Quigley Quagmire.
I survived the fire.
Sheesh, some days you just can't catch a break.
We'll get you out, but only if you help get our sister back.
And what if I refuse? That's the problem with your side of the schism.
Being righteous and well-read never gets you anywhere.
When I was your age, I was supposed to waste my entire summer reading Anna Karenina.
I knew that dumb book would never help me, so I threw it in the fireplace.
And look at me now! I'm beautiful and fashionable! You're trapped in a hot tub.
And I'm still better off than you! You'll never save your sister, just like you'll never save those rich kids hiking up Mount Fraught to celebrate False Spring.
False Spring? - "Countless orphans.
" - "Countless fortunes.
" They're gonna kidnap the Snow Scouts and murder their parents.
[SCOUT LEADER.]
Carmelita! Carmelita! [PANTING.]
Carmelita, maybe we could turn back.
I can't feel my toes, and this luggage is heavy.
[GIGGLES.]
You'll turn back when I say you can turn back At the top of Mount Fraught, after I've been crowned False Spring Queen! I told you, False Spring Queen is a democratically elected position.
Only cakesniffers care about democracy! Who put you in charge? All of your extremely wealthy parents, although I am starting to suspect they had their own reasons for sending you out into the wild.
Well, maybe I'm tired of taking orders from a lady who smells like cats.
Who wants to abandon the scout leader on the side of the road where she'll starve and go feral and have to survive by eating dirt? [CHEERING.]
Now follow me like the queen I am! [CARMELITA.]
Mush! Mush! [SCOUT LEADER.]
But I'm free.
[PANTING.]
[WOMAN SHOUTING.]
Mush! Mush! Mush, mush, mush! Mush, mush, mush! I wish you'd stop saying that.
It's not helping.
Well, I wish you would mush faster.
I still don't like this plan.
Me neither, but what choice do we have? Mush, mush, mush! We stand on the brink of our greatest triumph.
[WOMAN.]
A troupe of Snow Scouts from the wealthiest families in the city are on their way here right now.
[BEARDED MAN.]
We'll capture every one of those uniformed brats, and each of them will be offered the exciting opportunity to join us.
What if they refuse? We'll burn down their parents' homes.
With their parents inside.
That happened to our home.
That happened to our parents.
To be clear, we're going to kidnap a bunch of rich kids, eliminate their parents in a series of arsons, then, while waiting for them to come of age so we can seize their fortunes, indoctrinate them via a combination of emotionallydistant parenting and Stockholm Syndrome? Oh, Olaf, we're not emotionally distant.
You just didn't deserve praise.
[MAN.]
We took you in in your darkest hour because we saw a spark in you bright enough to light a thousand fires.
But look at you now.
[WOMAN.]
Your obsession with the Baudelaires is a disgrace.
It has led to your defeat and humiliation.
But that's all in the past.
The Baudelaires are dead to me.
Not all of them.
But if I kill the baby, then I'll never get the Baudelaire fortune.
[BEARDED MAN.]
Precisely.
You think you deserve our respect? Our love? Then do something for once in your pathetic life! Throw Sunny Baudelaire off that cliff! [SNIFFS.]
[EXHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
[BEARDED MAN.]
Be a man and slay that baby, putz.
As we say in the theater Toss her.
I gave you an order.
Throw that baby off the mountain! - No! - What do you mean "no"? We mean no.
We're done participating in your schemes.
We lost our parents and our home in a fire.
We're starting to think it wasn't a coincidence.
We lost our sister, too.
I don't care about some late-series backstory! You will obey my order this instant! - We love you - And we'd do anything for love.
But we won't do that.
You Fine.
I don't need those pasty-faced prunes anyway! You! Dispose of that baby! It's a slippery slope.
No, it's a frozen waterfall.
Now throw the baby off it.
I meant that figuratively.
I need some space.
I'm definitely questioning my life choices.
[MUTTERING.]
You're quest your life choice Be good to Esmé.
You seem to have lost all your underlings.
I don't need them.
I don't need any of them.
I'm an individual practitioner, and I can throw a baby off a mountain on my own! You're not on your own, boss.
You've still got me.
[HOOK-HANDED MAN GROANS.]
No! My fortune! At last, after all these years We have eliminated the Baudelaires.
I've got some bad news about that.
- My fortune! - The Baudelaires! [ESMÃ.]
And look who else I found.
- That's Quigleforth Quagmire.
- Quigley.
I've never been so happy to see you brats alive! How did you capture them, my pet? She didn't capture us.
We're here to trade her as a hostage.
[SNIGGERING.]
Like I've never had to free myself from a chair being hoisted up a mountain.
I was going to use this big knife to force them to carry me up, but these volunteers just volunteered.
[LAUGHING.]
[WHISPERING.]
They're so stupid.
Well, we may not have a hostage, but we're not leaving without Sunny.
Sunny Baudelaire's dead.
- No! - Oh, yes.
My favorite henchperson just tossed her off that cliff not moments ago.
I'm your favorite? I'm surprised you didn't see it on the way down.
How could you do that to her? It was easy.
He just picked her up and Eeee No! And it all worked out because now I have you! [LAUGHING.]
[OLAF.]
You made me choose, and I still got everything I wanted! Because I am amazing, brainy, courageous, dashing, enchanting, famished, gifted, hilarious, in.
.
in in What's a good word to describe me that starts with an "I"? Idiot.
You disappoint us, Olaf.
- We'll do better with the next recruits.
- [CHANTING.]
Here they come now.
[ALL CHANTING.]
basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty scheduled, tidy - What are all you cakesniffers doing here? - Carmelita! Hello, little girl.
We're here to help you celebrate False Spring.
Carmelita, they're not here to help you celebrate False Spring.
- They're here to kidnap you! - I'm too adorable to kidnap.
Give me that Springpole! Please turn around and lead the Snow Scouts some place safe! Pay no attention to those cry-babies.
Why don't you step closer? No, Carmelita! I crown myself False Spring Queen! [WOMAN.]
Now, the rest of you children, take a few steps closer and join us in a special celebration.
- No! - It's a trap! [WHISTLING.]
[ROARING.]
[SCREECHING.]
- No! - No! [SCREAMING.]
No! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
The noble side of the schism may have the carrier crows and the trained reptiles But the eagles work for us, - and so will those children.
- No.
We were prepared to take you back, Olaf.
[MAN.]
Instead, we're taking your car.
- How did you steal my keys? - We'll be in touch.
- That would be a first.
- I was talking to Ms.
Squalor.
[MAN.]
We're impressed with your work.
We'll contact you with your next assignment.
My God! Really? Oh, you're so sweet! - Safe travels! - [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
- We have to get out of here.
- You're not going anywhere! I only need to keep one of you alive to get your fortune.
Which one should it be? You should keep Klaus! Then you could smash his glasses and watch him bump into things! What an adorable little girl.
Would you like to join us? We should discuss that first.
Oh! Hey, cakesniffers, now I have two sets of parents more than you! Any last words? [GASPING.]
[SCREAMING.]
After them! In what, boss? We don't have a car.
[SCREAMING.]
You know, I swear she was in that cage, boss.
I will deal with you later.
- I'm glad to have you back, Sunny.
- Me too, but we're not safe yet.
Quigley, does your map say where this stream is headed? Streams run into larger bodies of water, like rivers, and rivers lead into Argh! - Quigley! - Violet! Violet! Quigley! Despite my many years investigating the case of the Baudelaire orphans, there is still much I do not know.
- - I do not know if Violet Baudelaire ever visited the Mortmain Mountains - with Quigley Quagmire again.
- Quigley! Last Safe Place! I'll find you at the Last Safe Place! [LEMONY.]
I do not know what happened to the members of Count Olaf's troupe after they walked away down Mount Fraught.
Maybe we can buy a little farm and grow rutabagas.
I thought we could go to a music hall and pick up sailors.
Where do we go from here? It's a crossroads.
But there is one thing I do know.
I do know where the Baudelaires went next as their toboggan rushed down the frozen waters of Stricken Stream.
[CRACKING, RUMBLING.]
I know this because of the stanza in a long and complicated poem circled in an old book by a woman who was a fierce volunteer, a brave mother, and a loyal sibling.
The stanza is this: That no life lives forever That dead men rise up never That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
[PANTING.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[CRACKING.]
[RUMBLING.]
I can't thank you enough for driving me back to the city.
No trouble at all.
Though when you offered me a ride, I did assume you had a car.
I completely forgot that it fell off that cliff.
Lucky it was only a half day's hike to your taxi.
- It was my brother's taxi.
- You'll have to thank him for me.
He's dead.
[SPLUTTERS.]
Granola bar? - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh That's me.
You've had a phone this whole time? Yes, Mr.
Tamerlane? Are you in the office? No, Mr.
Tamerlane.
I'm just arriving back in the city.
I don't want to jinx it, but I think I found a wonderful candidate to fill that vacant administrative assistant position.
No one cares.
Get back to work.
The whole town's on fire.
A fire, you say? Multiple fires? Good heavens, where? All over the city? Think of the orphans.
Think of the fortunes.
[POE.]
The Department of Orphan Affairs is going to be buzzing, Mr.
Tamerlane! To fighting fire with fire.
And watching the world go up in smoke.
[SCREECHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are trapped in mountains covered up in snow More villains have arrived And there is no place they can go It's a horrid way to start up this Our third and final season Anyone still watching it has clearly lost all reason Just look away Look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away Look away, look away - Look away, look away - Look away, look away Look away, look away - You're Quigley Quagmire.
- We heard you perished in a fire.
I survived.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and I have spent years, months, and countless consecutive and nonconsecutive days investigating how a person might survive a fire.
A person might survive if he was unable to sleep, so instead of being in bed with his siblings, he was in the kitchen drinking hot cider with his mother, who smelled the smoke and helped him into a secret tunnel under the house while she went to get the rest of the family.
- [GASPS.]
- [QUIGLEY.]
She never came back.
I was an orphan.
We know exactly how that feels.
I know you do.
The survivor might follow the tunnel until it led to a house An empty house filled with empty cages that once held the finest reptile collection in the world.
[KLAUS.]
Our Uncle Monty lived there.
[QUIGLEY.]
No one lives there now.
[LEMONY.]
You might find canned peaches to eat [SCREECHING.]
[PANTING.]
And books to read.
With a little research, you might learn of a secret organization and the schism that tore it apart.
[BELL DINGS.]
You might learn other startling information.
[BELL DINGS.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
Next stop, Prufrock Prep! [BELL DINGS.]
Next stop, Dark Avenue! [BELL DINGS.]
Next stop, the Hinterlands, the Mortmain Mountains, and a bunch of even more dangerous destinations! [BELL DINGS.]
He might even read about a secret mountain headquarters and join a group of Snow Scouts as a cover in case the people who burned down his home are still out there.
This place was my last hope to finding my brother and sister.
Duncan and Isadora are safe.
They escaped Count Olaf in a self-sustaining hot air mobile home.
- How do you know? - We helped them.
- They're our friends.
- Where are they? We're not sure, but they are safe.
We were hoping to find one of our parents up here.
But we're glad we found you.
And we'll find Sunny.
You saved my siblings, Baudelaires.
Let me help you save yours.
[BEARDED MAN.]
So this is Sunny Baudelaire.
[OLAF.]
I threw her siblings off a mountain and I'm keeping her as my servant.
Look who's not a total disappointment after all.
An infant servant.
I had one of those myself before the schism.
The schism was a long time ago.
That baby must be all grown up.
Not necessarily.
You've caused almost as many problems as your parents did.
But we know how to solve problems, don't we? [BEARDED MAN.]
Fire can solve any problem in the world.
For example, we heard a nasty rumor that the survivor of a recent fire was hiding at V.
F.
D.
headquarters, so we paid it a visit.
There aren't any survivors now.
Sorry, just to be clear, when you say there aren't survivors, do you mean you killed them or didn't find them? I'm a bit confused.
The place was deserted.
The rumors were obviously false.
We did run into one of your old associates, the Snicket girl.
- What did you do with her? - She got away.
[WOMAN.]
She won't get far.
She's in the middle of the mountains.
[BEARDED MAN.]
And she's all alone.
[COUGHING.]
You're awake! You were out cold, and I don't mean just because of the temperature.
I went to get us some breakfast.
I found these berries.
Those are poisonous.
- Argh! - Mr.
Poe, I'm grateful for the help, the granola bar, and the horse blanket that smelled like nail polish, but I need to get back to the city.
Where there's smoke, there's fire, and [KNIFE SLASHES.]
- [SIGHS.]
I've seen a lot of smoke.
- I was a Snow Scout in my youth, and even a peewee-level dropout can see that you're in no condition to walk down a mountain.
I'm planning to ski.
Perhaps I could be accommodating and give you a ride.
- You have a car? - I was thinking of going to the city.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I hope that's true of Mr.
Tamerlane.
He was very mad at me when I left.
How would you like more than just a ride? How would you like a desk job in the financial sector? - I prefer to work on my feet.
- We have an opening.
My longtime secretary recently returned to Winnipeg.
It seems that her mother passed away, and now she's the duchess of something.
- It'll be plenty of excitement.
- [BUZZING.]
[LEMONY.]
"Where there's smoke, there's fire" is an expression that means if something seems wrong, it usually is.
I can promise you the office will be buzzing with activity.
I can hear it now.
I need you to move toward me very quickly and very quietly.
[BUZZING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ice bees! I may need that ride.
[LEMONY.]
I'm sorry to say that there is a great deal of wrong at the top of Mount Fraught mostly for Sunny Baudelaire.
This is a great deal of wrong, for me! I am supposed to be at the top of the world, but instead, those two show up, try and berate and belittle me.
Do you know how it feels to try so hard to please people who fail to recognize your talent? - Not at all.
- I need a cigarette, or whatever these green sticks are.
I got it.
[OLAF.]
Hm.
[SPLUTTERS.]
[COUGHING.]
You seem stressed, boss.
You should take some deep breaths.
Maybe a short constitutional.
I don't have time to read a bunch of amendments! I need to find a way to have my mentors think I'm a raging success.
- What if I put on a show? - Is that a good idea? They don't seem like they appreciate the arts.
It's not a good idea.
It's a stupendous idea! A little song, a little dance, a monologue from The Taming of Macbeth.
What's more beloved than dinner theater? It's breakfast.
It will be, once the baby cooks it.
And it better be hot this time, baby! Sunny Baudelaire had several problems she needed to solve.
She was being held captive by villains on top of a mountain and needed an escape.
She needed to cook a hot breakfast for those same villains with only a few cold salmon, and she needed a way to signal to the V.
F.
D.
agent she'd recently heard was on the mountain, who she hoped might be able to rescue her.
What kind of baby doesn't know how to start a fire? Smoking is very, very bad for you.
So only use this to cook with.
Got it? Hurry, I'm famished! [LEMONY.]
It was a terrible situation, but Sunny had watched her siblings escape many terrible situations with clever ideas.
So when Count Olaf gave her that odd, green cigarette, it gave her an idea that could solve all of her problems.
You're gonna use that odd, green cigarette to smoke that salmon? Hey, that's a clever idea.
[VIOLET.]
Look, green smoke.
That's odd.
It's coming from Mount Fraught.
It's a Verdant Flammable Device.
I read that V.
F.
D.
use them for sending signals.
- So it could be someone from V.
F.
D.
- Or it could be Sunny.
- We have to get up there.
- It's a long way to the top.
We have to go back through the Vernacularly Fastened Door, down the Vertical Flame Diversion, and hike the same road the Scouts There's a more direct way to the top.
No, there's not.
Look at the map.
Look at the waterfall.
[ESMÃ.]
So I said, "Oh, I know! We'll take the elevator," and I pushed them! How elegant.
- If ineffective.
- They were certainly scared.
I thought their eyes were going to pop out of their heads! Olaf could learn from you, my dear.
He's so flashy, so theatrical.
He has to make everything a big production.
[OLAF.]
Drumroll! Curtain! Toss it up.
I mean, down curtain.
[DRUM ROLL CONTINUES.]
La Lady and gentleman, prepare for a tale so horrifying it will make the hair on your head stand straight up.
Ooh, no.
Uh, fall right out.
Ooh, that's also not It is a tale of arson and murder.
The herpetologist, poisoned by his own venom.
The fullygrown woman fed to fullygrown leeches.
The volunteers murdered to death in various scenic locales.
But most of all, it is the tale of me.
For I am the one who committed all of those terrible deeds.
Me, Count Olaf, the handsomest, most successful, most deserving-of-approval person alive! [HOWLING.]
Maybe we should just move along to the production number.
And a one, and a two, - and a three, four, five! - [ALL SINGING.]
Enough! [MUSIC STOPS.]
When we recruited you, it was to spread fire and destruction across the land.
Not to prance around with a bunch of talentless fools.
[BEARDED MAN.]
Who call themselves actors.
Personally, I would never want to act.
I'm in the financial sector.
It was all going swimmingly until you botched the cue! Speaking of swimming, the smoked salmon smells great.
Fools! The smoke went out.
Maybe the Verdant Flammable Device burnt out.
Or maybe the person signaling got caught.
What were you thinking, giving a Verdant Flammable Device to Sunny Baudelaire? - Ow! - How dare you give a cigarette to a baby? But I didn't.
Ow! It isn't a cigarette.
It's a signaling device.
That baby just broadcast our location to every V.
F.
D.
agent for a hundred miles! I thought you were a prisoner, but I'm beginning to think you're a spy.
- She doesn't sound like a spy.
- She sounds like a helpless baby.
Yeah, listen to her baby talk.
Oh, please.
I've seen better performances from a chimp with a cymbal.
She's just acting like a helpless baby.
I know.
I'm an actor.
[OLAF.]
Babies are always plotting against people, and this one is the worst.
I would throw the little traitor off this mountain right now if I didn't need her alive to get the Baudelaire fortune.
The Baudelaire fortune? I've been after it for a long time, and it's finally in my grasp.
The Baudelaire fortune is small potatoes.
No, I'm pretty sure it's money.
We taught you to think big.
Yeah, a big pile of money.
Why settle for one fortune When you can have them all? Well, that sounds promising.
Come, Olaf.
You too, Miss Squalor.
It's time you learned why we're really on this mountain.
[DISCORDANT MUSIC.]
[QUIGLEY.]
It sounds like something terrible is happening up there.
I hope Violet can invent a way up the waterfall.
Look what I found.
I salvaged these from the rubble.
See the names? [KLAUS.]
Dr.
Toronado.
Father took us to her engineering lectures.
C.
M.
Comstock.
Mother gave me her book on female pirates.
I know.
That's where I learned the Devil's Tongue Knot.
[KLAUS.]
Who's L.
Snicket? I read his book on maps and his tutorial on the accordion.
It's like our parents were training us for V.
F.
D.
and we didn't know it.
As if they knew one day they wouldn't be here.
Let's use what they gave us.
[LEMONY.]
There are often people in our lives who are not our parents, but who teach us important things.
These people are called mentors.
One of the great sadnesses of the Baudelaire case is that Violet never got to work alongside V.
F.
D.
's great inventors and researchers at their secret mountain headquarters, but she had read their work in the books her parents had given her.
Quigley, hand me the candelabra.
[LEMONY.]
So when Violet used a candelabra to hammer some damaged forks into shape, she could almost hear Dr.
Toronado saying, "Mind the tines, Violet.
They can be delicate.
" [SIGHS.]
[LEMONY.]
When she took some strings from a burnt ukulele, she imagined my good friend Mrs.
Comstock saying, "Have you considered the Sumac knot?" And when Violet said It's time for a durability test.
it was almost as if she could hear a man named Snicket say, "If this works, pistachios for everyone!" It works.
Pistachios for everyone! Of course, not all mentors are good.
Many years ago in my own organization, there were those who prayed on impressionable minds by taking them in at a point in their life when they might be particularly lost or vulnerable.
[BEARDED MAN.]
You look lost.
How can I be lost? There are signs everywhere, which seems kind of dumb for a secret organization.
[WOMAN.]
We mean figuratively.
Who are you? Wait.
You're that man with the hair and the woman with the beard, or vice versa.
- I've heard about you.
- And vice versa.
We know what happened at the opera.
[WOMAN.]
And we know how you've spent your nights since.
Wandering these tunnels.
- Directionless.
- Alone.
- Have you been following me? - With great interest, for some time.
Your friends in V.
F.
D.
betrayed you, but a young man with your talents doesn't need friends.
He needs guidance.
I'll pass.
I'm a tortured, brooding loner now.
I've even taken up journaling.
I'd rather be alone.
Why, what a pity.
There's so much we could teach you.
[LEMONY.]
Bad mentors can lead you down a slippery slope, whether you encounter them years later at the top of a mountain, or you belong to their acting troupe.
They've been in that tent for a while.
I wonder what they're planning.
- I hope it's a picnic.
- It's never a picnic.
Not anymore.
I joined Count Olaf because I thought he could teach me things, like how to harness my natural charisma into a career in the performing arts.
[SIGHS.]
But I'm beginning to question my life choices.
I know what you mean.
I get the serious creeps from those serious creeps.
They definitely killed those carnival freaks.
- Oh, yeah.
- Dead as doornails.
What do you think they're up to, baby? [VIOLET.]
The waterfall will be slippery.
The tines on these forks will dig into the ice.
[KLAUS.]
I think you should see this.
I was searching to see if any of the books survived the fire.
- I found this in the poetry section.
- [QUIGLEY.]
"Odes"? [VIOLET.]
"Codes.
" V.
F.
D.
have a secret way to leave coded messages in case of fires.
There might be a message hidden now.
Then somebody needs to find it.
Quigley, how are you at cracking codes? I can try, but I'm better at reading maps.
You're better at climbing too.
I saw you in the Vertical Flame Diversion.
You can help by saving Sunny.
I'll stay here and see what I can learn.
Are you sure? You invented a way up the mountain.
Now it's my turn to use my talents.
If Sunny's up there, we'll bring her back.
I know you will.
Thank you for volunteering.
We'll use these to pull ourselves up and test for thin ice so we don't fall.
Not falling is an excellent plan.
- Are you ready? - If we wait until we're ready We'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.
[GRUNTING.]
[VIOLET GASPS.]
[QUIGLEY.]
We should rest.
I see a ledge.
It's not much further.
[BABBLING.]
Look, I'm not happy about it either, okay? - - No way! This is totally different from the last time we locked you in a birdcage.
This birdcage is bigger.
I think it's for trapping eagles.
You're asking why a grown man would knowingly engage in morally questionable behavior? You'll understand when you're older.
Here, I got you.
This ledge is solid.
We should sit here for a moment to get our strength back.
Good idea.
You're an excellent climber.
You're an excellent inventor.
Thanks.
But let's not celebrate yet.
There's a long way to go.
Celebrate when you're half done and the finish won't be quite as fun.
My sister wrote that.
Once we find Sunny, we'll search for Duncan and Isadora.
Your glove! We'll get it on the way down.
If you have to hide a headquarters, it's a beautiful place to do it.
[VIOLET.]
It's a lovely view.
Very lovely, indeed.
[LEMONY.]
Many things have been taken from the Baudelaires since they lost their parents and their home.
One of those things is their privacy, so Instead of telling you about the few moments shared between two friends on a chilly afternoon halfway up a frozen waterfall, I will offer the eldest Baudelaire this courtesy and allow her to keep some moments to herself.
Look, I didn't set out to be a henchperson or an actor.
I was gonna be a marine biologist.
[GRUNTING.]
[VIOLET GASPS.]
It is Sunny.
She's safe.
How can we rescue her with that hook-handed man standing guard? [BABBLING.]
We've got plenty of ice water.
[BABBLING.]
I saw the boss chuck a half-empty bottle of sarsaparilla down the road, but I'm not supposed to leave you alone.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, don't give me that look.
All right.
Wait.
Sunny.
- - He's at the headquarters.
We're here to rescue you.
This is Quigley, his brother.
He survived the fire.
There's so much to tell you.
[OLAF.]
Oh, babylaire! I thought of some more demeaning tasks for you to perform.
[ESMÃ.]
You're going to cook a very fancy, very "in" dinner.
Tonight, we're celebrating False Spring! That's not all we're celebrating.
[CHUCKLES WICKEDLY.]
Where's Hooky? I told him to wait right here.
You seem to have trouble controlling your underlings.
Oh, yes, I like to let them roam.
- You know, free-range henchpeople.
- [WOMAN.]
We have a job for you.
There's a camp in the woods.
There you will find a tarp.
Bring it here and lay it over the road.
That sounds like work.
Why do we have to do it? You'll do it because we say so.
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.
We've already yelled at the baby.
There's not much else to do here anyway.
You're too concerned about that baby, Olaf.
After tonight, countless orphans and their fortunes will be ours.
Are you sure that they're all orphans? Not yet, they're not.
[PANTING.]
Who were those horrible people? [BABBLING.]
They're the ones who burned down V.
F.
D.
headquarters? Let's go.
I can strap you to my shoulders and carry you down.
Of course you are.
We came here to rescue you.
Who's Mata Hari? She's the Dutch courtesan who spied on Germany during World War One.
Sunny's saying she wants to stay here and spy.
[BABBLING.]
Those villains were talking about making more orphans.
If Sunny could find out what they're planning, we could prevent this from happening to anyone else.
I can't leave her behind.
She's my baby sister! [MAN.]
Hey, baby, you'd better not be getting in trouble! He's coming back.
We have to go.
I can't leave you.
How are you gonna get out? [BABBLING.]
Here, take my lock pick.
[VIOLET.]
You can use that toboggan to escape.
Violet! How did you get to be so brave? [WHISPERS.]
Come on.
I couldn't find the sarsaparilla, but look what I got.
Parsley soda! [PANTING.]
Did you find Sunny? She was the one who was sending the signal.
She's safe.
She knows who burned down the headquarters.
A man with a beard but no hair.
And a woman with hair but no beard.
Count Olaf was afraid of them.
- And you left her? - They're planning something bad.
They were talking about making more orphans.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Sunny wanted to spy to find out more.
- She's just a baby.
She can't be a spy.
- She's not a baby anymore.
She's gonna meet us down here as soon as she finds out anything.
It was her idea.
She insisted.
- She insisted? - She volunteered.
- Then I guess we have to trust her.
- What choice do we have? Did you find anything? I found V.
F.
D.
If you were in a building about to be burnt down and you had to protect something, - where would you hide it? - A safe.
Assume you didn't have time to open the safe.
- The refrigerator.
- Exactly.
So I searched the fridge.
[QUIGLEY.]
What did you find? Verbal Fridge Dialogue.
Verbal Fridge Dialogue? Verbal Fridge Dialogue.
It's a code used in emergency situations.
If you can't send a message, you leave one using the items you find in the fridge.
Listen to this.
"The darkest of the jams of three contains the sender, look and see.
" That sounds like one of Isadora's poems.
She learned to write couplets from our parents.
Well, the poem means that the name of the person sending the message is in the darkest jar of jam.
The darkest jam is boysenberry.
J.
S.
- Jacques Snicket? - But Jacques Snicket's dead.
That's not the only thing that's strange about this message.
"Gatherings use a cured fruit-based calendar, and location can be divined via any spice-based condiment.
" J.
S.
is calling a meeting for the whole of V.
F.
D.
The number of olives is the day of the week it is.
One for Sunday, two for Monday.
- There are five olives.
- Thursday.
If this message was left during the fire, then the gathering's less than a week away.
But where is it? The only spice-based condiment is this jar of mustard.
[KLAUS.]
Read the ingredients.
"Vinegar, mustard seed, salt, turmeric, the Last Safe Place.
" The Last Safe Place.
If we find the Last Safe Place, we can find V.
F.
D.
I don't know where that is.
If the answer was in this library, then it's gone up in smoke.
Maybe Sunny can learn something.
We'll keep an eye out for her.
False spring rolls.
[MUTTERING.]
The bossery.
Do you see that? There it is again.
A little flicker of light, - like a spyglass.
- [MAN.]
A volunteer? Go fetch them, Olaf.
Me? I don't wanna.
Make the baby.
This is no job for a baby.
If there's a volunteer down there - They may have the sugar bowl.
- I'll go! I'll go! I'll go! I'm always happy to help.
I'll just slip into something more horrifying and pop right down.
The baby is watching us.
- Cover the cage! - Cover the cage! Cover the cage! Shh! I was gonna say it first.
Sorry, baby.
[QUIGLEY.]
There's someone coming down that slope! It must be Sunny! [KLAUS.]
I don't think so.
Whoever it is, they're too tall to be Sunny.
That's strange.
Yeah, it looks like they're on fire.
[VIOLET.]
It's not fire.
- It's fashion.
- Esmé.
[WHOOPING.]
[WHOOPING.]
[SIGHING.]
[YELLING.]
[CRASHING.]
[BOTTLES TINKLE.]
I thought you volunteers were supposed to be smart, but if someone is still lurking around, that's very stupid.
Your headquarters are destroyed, your worst enemies are on top of that mountain, and I'm right here and dressed to kill.
[ESMÃ.]
Boo! You're short for a volunteer, but I've always said reading stunts your growth.
Don't run.
I just want to torture you until you give me the location of the sugar bowl.
You once threw a masked ball here and didn't invite me.
Not that I care.
A face this gorgeous should never be hidden behind a mask.
Are you in the kitchen? Perhaps you're hiding in whatever this room is.
The Oh, right.
It's the hot tub room.
You'd better come out now.
When I get my hands on you, skinning you alive will be the second worst thing I've done in a hot tub.
[SNAPPING.]
- [CREAKING.]
- Argh! [CRASHING.]
I think we just trapped Esmé Squalor at the bottom of a surprisingly deep hot tub.
Is she alive? Get me out of here at once! Being trapped in a hot tub is even less "in" than getting in a hot tub on purpose.
She's alive.
- I can make a pulley to get her out.
- Or - Or? - Get me out of here! Count Olaf has someone you love.
Now we have someone he loves.
- We could arrange a trade.
- An exchange of hostages.
When my boyfriend finds out that you trapped me down here, he is going to be so angry! Olaf captures people to get what he wants.
You really want to do the same thing as him? You have to fight fire with fire.
If everyone fought fire with fire, the world would go up in smoke.
Klaus is right.
There has to be another way.
[ESMÃ.]
Klaus? Oh, this is rich.
You're not volunteers at all.
You're Baudelaires! Olaf will be so disappointed you didn't die when he dropped you off that mountain.
Of course, he'll be thrilled.
He'll get to kill you all over again.
You Didn't you float off in a bunch of balloons? I'm Quigley Quagmire.
I survived the fire.
Sheesh, some days you just can't catch a break.
We'll get you out, but only if you help get our sister back.
And what if I refuse? That's the problem with your side of the schism.
Being righteous and well-read never gets you anywhere.
When I was your age, I was supposed to waste my entire summer reading Anna Karenina.
I knew that dumb book would never help me, so I threw it in the fireplace.
And look at me now! I'm beautiful and fashionable! You're trapped in a hot tub.
And I'm still better off than you! You'll never save your sister, just like you'll never save those rich kids hiking up Mount Fraught to celebrate False Spring.
False Spring? - "Countless orphans.
" - "Countless fortunes.
" They're gonna kidnap the Snow Scouts and murder their parents.
[SCOUT LEADER.]
Carmelita! Carmelita! [PANTING.]
Carmelita, maybe we could turn back.
I can't feel my toes, and this luggage is heavy.
[GIGGLES.]
You'll turn back when I say you can turn back At the top of Mount Fraught, after I've been crowned False Spring Queen! I told you, False Spring Queen is a democratically elected position.
Only cakesniffers care about democracy! Who put you in charge? All of your extremely wealthy parents, although I am starting to suspect they had their own reasons for sending you out into the wild.
Well, maybe I'm tired of taking orders from a lady who smells like cats.
Who wants to abandon the scout leader on the side of the road where she'll starve and go feral and have to survive by eating dirt? [CHEERING.]
Now follow me like the queen I am! [CARMELITA.]
Mush! Mush! [SCOUT LEADER.]
But I'm free.
[PANTING.]
[WOMAN SHOUTING.]
Mush! Mush! Mush, mush, mush! Mush, mush, mush! I wish you'd stop saying that.
It's not helping.
Well, I wish you would mush faster.
I still don't like this plan.
Me neither, but what choice do we have? Mush, mush, mush! We stand on the brink of our greatest triumph.
[WOMAN.]
A troupe of Snow Scouts from the wealthiest families in the city are on their way here right now.
[BEARDED MAN.]
We'll capture every one of those uniformed brats, and each of them will be offered the exciting opportunity to join us.
What if they refuse? We'll burn down their parents' homes.
With their parents inside.
That happened to our home.
That happened to our parents.
To be clear, we're going to kidnap a bunch of rich kids, eliminate their parents in a series of arsons, then, while waiting for them to come of age so we can seize their fortunes, indoctrinate them via a combination of emotionallydistant parenting and Stockholm Syndrome? Oh, Olaf, we're not emotionally distant.
You just didn't deserve praise.
[MAN.]
We took you in in your darkest hour because we saw a spark in you bright enough to light a thousand fires.
But look at you now.
[WOMAN.]
Your obsession with the Baudelaires is a disgrace.
It has led to your defeat and humiliation.
But that's all in the past.
The Baudelaires are dead to me.
Not all of them.
But if I kill the baby, then I'll never get the Baudelaire fortune.
[BEARDED MAN.]
Precisely.
You think you deserve our respect? Our love? Then do something for once in your pathetic life! Throw Sunny Baudelaire off that cliff! [SNIFFS.]
[EXHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
[BEARDED MAN.]
Be a man and slay that baby, putz.
As we say in the theater Toss her.
I gave you an order.
Throw that baby off the mountain! - No! - What do you mean "no"? We mean no.
We're done participating in your schemes.
We lost our parents and our home in a fire.
We're starting to think it wasn't a coincidence.
We lost our sister, too.
I don't care about some late-series backstory! You will obey my order this instant! - We love you - And we'd do anything for love.
But we won't do that.
You Fine.
I don't need those pasty-faced prunes anyway! You! Dispose of that baby! It's a slippery slope.
No, it's a frozen waterfall.
Now throw the baby off it.
I meant that figuratively.
I need some space.
I'm definitely questioning my life choices.
[MUTTERING.]
You're quest your life choice Be good to Esmé.
You seem to have lost all your underlings.
I don't need them.
I don't need any of them.
I'm an individual practitioner, and I can throw a baby off a mountain on my own! You're not on your own, boss.
You've still got me.
[HOOK-HANDED MAN GROANS.]
No! My fortune! At last, after all these years We have eliminated the Baudelaires.
I've got some bad news about that.
- My fortune! - The Baudelaires! [ESMÃ.]
And look who else I found.
- That's Quigleforth Quagmire.
- Quigley.
I've never been so happy to see you brats alive! How did you capture them, my pet? She didn't capture us.
We're here to trade her as a hostage.
[SNIGGERING.]
Like I've never had to free myself from a chair being hoisted up a mountain.
I was going to use this big knife to force them to carry me up, but these volunteers just volunteered.
[LAUGHING.]
[WHISPERING.]
They're so stupid.
Well, we may not have a hostage, but we're not leaving without Sunny.
Sunny Baudelaire's dead.
- No! - Oh, yes.
My favorite henchperson just tossed her off that cliff not moments ago.
I'm your favorite? I'm surprised you didn't see it on the way down.
How could you do that to her? It was easy.
He just picked her up and Eeee No! And it all worked out because now I have you! [LAUGHING.]
[OLAF.]
You made me choose, and I still got everything I wanted! Because I am amazing, brainy, courageous, dashing, enchanting, famished, gifted, hilarious, in.
.
in in What's a good word to describe me that starts with an "I"? Idiot.
You disappoint us, Olaf.
- We'll do better with the next recruits.
- [CHANTING.]
Here they come now.
[ALL CHANTING.]
basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty scheduled, tidy - What are all you cakesniffers doing here? - Carmelita! Hello, little girl.
We're here to help you celebrate False Spring.
Carmelita, they're not here to help you celebrate False Spring.
- They're here to kidnap you! - I'm too adorable to kidnap.
Give me that Springpole! Please turn around and lead the Snow Scouts some place safe! Pay no attention to those cry-babies.
Why don't you step closer? No, Carmelita! I crown myself False Spring Queen! [WOMAN.]
Now, the rest of you children, take a few steps closer and join us in a special celebration.
- No! - It's a trap! [WHISTLING.]
[ROARING.]
[SCREECHING.]
- No! - No! [SCREAMING.]
No! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
The noble side of the schism may have the carrier crows and the trained reptiles But the eagles work for us, - and so will those children.
- No.
We were prepared to take you back, Olaf.
[MAN.]
Instead, we're taking your car.
- How did you steal my keys? - We'll be in touch.
- That would be a first.
- I was talking to Ms.
Squalor.
[MAN.]
We're impressed with your work.
We'll contact you with your next assignment.
My God! Really? Oh, you're so sweet! - Safe travels! - [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
- We have to get out of here.
- You're not going anywhere! I only need to keep one of you alive to get your fortune.
Which one should it be? You should keep Klaus! Then you could smash his glasses and watch him bump into things! What an adorable little girl.
Would you like to join us? We should discuss that first.
Oh! Hey, cakesniffers, now I have two sets of parents more than you! Any last words? [GASPING.]
[SCREAMING.]
After them! In what, boss? We don't have a car.
[SCREAMING.]
You know, I swear she was in that cage, boss.
I will deal with you later.
- I'm glad to have you back, Sunny.
- Me too, but we're not safe yet.
Quigley, does your map say where this stream is headed? Streams run into larger bodies of water, like rivers, and rivers lead into Argh! - Quigley! - Violet! Violet! Quigley! Despite my many years investigating the case of the Baudelaire orphans, there is still much I do not know.
- - I do not know if Violet Baudelaire ever visited the Mortmain Mountains - with Quigley Quagmire again.
- Quigley! Last Safe Place! I'll find you at the Last Safe Place! [LEMONY.]
I do not know what happened to the members of Count Olaf's troupe after they walked away down Mount Fraught.
Maybe we can buy a little farm and grow rutabagas.
I thought we could go to a music hall and pick up sailors.
Where do we go from here? It's a crossroads.
But there is one thing I do know.
I do know where the Baudelaires went next as their toboggan rushed down the frozen waters of Stricken Stream.
[CRACKING, RUMBLING.]
I know this because of the stanza in a long and complicated poem circled in an old book by a woman who was a fierce volunteer, a brave mother, and a loyal sibling.
The stanza is this: That no life lives forever That dead men rise up never That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
[PANTING.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[CRACKING.]
[RUMBLING.]
I can't thank you enough for driving me back to the city.
No trouble at all.
Though when you offered me a ride, I did assume you had a car.
I completely forgot that it fell off that cliff.
Lucky it was only a half day's hike to your taxi.
- It was my brother's taxi.
- You'll have to thank him for me.
He's dead.
[SPLUTTERS.]
Granola bar? - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh That's me.
You've had a phone this whole time? Yes, Mr.
Tamerlane? Are you in the office? No, Mr.
Tamerlane.
I'm just arriving back in the city.
I don't want to jinx it, but I think I found a wonderful candidate to fill that vacant administrative assistant position.
No one cares.
Get back to work.
The whole town's on fire.
A fire, you say? Multiple fires? Good heavens, where? All over the city? Think of the orphans.
Think of the fortunes.
[POE.]
The Department of Orphan Affairs is going to be buzzing, Mr.
Tamerlane! To fighting fire with fire.
And watching the world go up in smoke.
[SCREECHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]