A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s03e05 Episode Script

Penultimate Peril: Part 1

1 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life, and your day Every single episode is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires check into a hotel to spy upon A group of awful people for whom murder is a yawn It may seem like Count Olaf will be finally brought to justice But why would any viewers think that they could really trust us? Just look away Look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away Look away, look away Look away - Look away - Look away, look away Look away, look away [TYPEWRITER KEYS CLATTERING] [BELL DINGS] [LEMONY] Unless you were born yesterday, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, you have probably observed that things aren't always what they seem.
The surface of a pond might seem calm, when, in reality, any number of secrets might be hidden beneath it.
The world is like a pond that way.
When you perform even the tiniest of actions, like dropping a stone it can ripple, until the entire world has been changed.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and I recommend you drop your streaming device into a pond.
Your world will be changed for the better, since you will not have to watch the sad story of the Baudelaire orphans.
You will be spared the tragic tale of the Hotel Denouement.
And you will never have to encounter the suspicious parties staying there, some of whom, I am sorry to report may already be familiar.
Please be careful.
There's a typewriter inside.
[KIT] Things aren't always what they seem, Baudelaires.
It may seem like I'm speeding recklessly because I'm a taxi driver who doesn't care about traffic safety laws, but really, I'm trying to shake the car that's been following us.
There's a car following us? [KIT] I suspect it belongs to a pair of sinister villains - I recently encountered on a mountain.
- We were there too.
I know exactly where you've been, Klaus Baudelaire.
I wish I could have helped you all along, but ever since the schism, there have been more fires than even a Volunteer Fire Department can put out.
Those look like they burned down recently.
Our enemies are getting bolder.
But the tables are about to turn, and so is this car, so hang on.
[TIRES SCREECHING] I know you have thousands of questions, and I wish I had time to answer them over a leisurely brunch, but our agents are already on their way to the Last Safe Place, so I'm afraid you'll have to settle for a quick debrief and a picnic in the back of a taxi.
There's a picnic basket on the floor.
You said your name is Kit Snicket.
We met a man named Jacques Snicket.
He was my brother.
And he's the reason I need your help.
I received this telegram instructing all volunteers to go to the Hotel Denouement on Thursday, and it's signed with my brother's initials, "J.
" We received the same telegram, but it can't be from Jacques.
He's Yes, Baudelaires.
I know that my brother is dead.
And I know that you tried to save him, but I'm afraid someone is impersonating him to gather all of V.
in one place.
We could be walking into a trap.
So you need to find out if this J.
is a friend or an enemy.
Do you know what a flaneur is? A person who observes their surroundings, like a spy.
Very good.
Children make the best flaneurs, since adults rarely pay attention to them.
There's a secret compartment in the bottom of the picnic basket.
Open it.
- Uniforms? - Disguises.
Baudelaires, I need your help.
I need you to infiltrate the Hotel Denouement as concierge and learn the identity of J.
before Thursday.
I have an inside man who's made all the arrangements.
All you have to say is yes.
Say you'll volunteer.
Of course we will.
They're back.
[TIRES SCREECHING] [PANTING] That wasn't the route I intended to take, but here we are.
The Last Safe Place.
[OLAF] The Hotel Denouement, that's where V.
is meeting.
I'll give you a moment to be impressed.
You already knew that? J.
? You don't say.
Well, I bet you don't know about the incredibly deadly vegetable I'm holding in my hands.
If a fungus is a vegetable.
Is it even a plant? Hello? Hello? Tell them thank you for the submarine! They hung up.
Don't be so desperate for approval.
You sound like my husband, what's-his-name.
I'm not desperate for approval.
I just want to pull off something big so they'll be super impressed and regret all the things they said about me, which is totally different! Let's just get back on the sub.
I feel like taking my anger out on Hooky.
Hooky told me to give you this note.
How could he give you a note? He and his triangle-eyed sister are locked in the brig.
- Oh, not anymore.
- What? Give me that! An extra special messenger is supposed to get an extra special tip.
[MOUTHING] I'll give you this rock.
Ew! I prefer gemstones.
I prefer little girls to be quiet, so I don't get tired of their annoying demands and hit them with this rock.
"Sorry Boss.
" What's that supposed to mean? Hmm [CREAKING, WATER BUBBLING] [METAL SQUEALING] Oh, no! He's kidnapped those Snow Scouts we kidnapped! And that guy, Phil.
Now who's gonna play veterinarian with me? - Well, at least the sub's a rental.
- Hooky's defected.
Just because he doesn't have any hands? Let him go.
I don't care.
We got everything we needed from him.
We needed a ride to the hotel.
- We'll take the Olaf.
- It's called the Carmelita II.
It's called the Olaf.
It's called the Carmelita II! We'll discuss it on the way.
[KLAUS] Do you think we can trust Kit? Since we got in her taxi, she's broken at least nine traffic safety laws, driven into a hedge, and recruited us to spy for a secret organization.
- I like her.
- Me too.
[TAXI DOOR SLAMS] [KIT] That's Frank Denouement.
He's one of the managers.
He's with us.
You can trust him.
I must need new glasses because I'm seeing double.
That's Frank's treacherous brother, Ernest.
Do not trust him, no matter what he says.
The schism has turned many siblings into enemies.
Remember, F is for Frank, who is friendly.
E is for Ernest, who is evil.
How can we tell them apart? Unfortunately, the only way to determine if someone is noble or wicked is through close observation.
Be careful about what you tell them because if the wrong brother finds out what we're up to we could all be in danger.
I've sent a message to Frank.
He'll meet you in the lobby, unless it was intercepted by Ernest.
- You're not coming? - I'm afraid I have my own mission, but I'll be back tonight.
If you've discovered that the Last Safe Place is no longer safe, we'll send a signal to warn V.
Do you understand? We're going to disguise ourselves as concierges to determine if J.
is a villain or a volunteer.
A manager named Frank will try to help us, but his brother, Ernest, will try to stop us.
Do you have everything you need? I can't find my ribbon.
I always carry a spare.
Your mother always tied her hair up when she needed to think, too.
And your father always adjusted his glasses like that before a mission.
You remind me of them so much.
You all do.
It's hard to believe our parents went on secret missions.
Your parents put many brave deeds on the books.
Without them, V.
would never have survived after the schism.
We heard about the schism, but we still don't know what it was about.
It's a long story, but it all began one night at the opera, during a performance of La Forza del Destino.
Isn't that where a gun accidentally goes off and kills somebody? It's a tragic opera.
I'm sorry, melancholy is a side effect of my condition.
I'm distraught and I'm pregnant.
Good luck, Baudelaires.
I'll see you tonight.
And please be careful.
[GASPS] I was hoping I'd see you before I left.
- Funny, I was hoping you'd stay.
- I'll be back tonight.
And if everything goes according to plan, we'll have the sugar bowl.
- We can end this, once and for all.
- Then what? You, me, a tropical island, and her.
Her? Is that a fact? It's just a feeling.
I never want to be apart from you again, except in the restroom, at work, and when one of us is at a movie the other one doesn't want to see.
I'll see you tonight.
Send my regards to Frank.
Evidence of a picnic, like evidence of a secret meeting, is best discarded, or it is likely to attract unsavory visitors or ants.
I thought you were dead.
Hello, Kit.
Could I get a ride? The man in the back of that taxi is myself, many years ago when I was younger and more naive than I am now.
If I could go back in time, I would tell him that a light gray suit looks good, but it is easier to hide in a darker shade.
I would tell him that he is about to receive sad news about someone he loves very much.
And I would tell him to stay at the Hotel Denouement instead of leaving in a taxi with his sister, but [ENGINE STARTS] I cannot change the past any more than I can stop that taxi from driving away.
[WHEELS SQUEAKING] [VIOLET] It won't be easy to find J.
in a hotel this big.
A big hotel can work to our advantage.
If Count Olaf turns up, it won't be easy for him to find us.
Bellhop, take the luggage to the room and the, uh, Carmelita II up to the roof.
Thank you.
Remember, we have to convince any flaneurs that we're a normal, happy family on vacation.
I don't wanna stay at some cakesniffing hotel! I want to go to Littlest Elf Land! Tell your darling little girl to stop drawing so much attention.
If you spent more time with her, she wouldn't feel the need to act out.
My real parents took me wherever I wanted.
Some parents.
They wouldn't even pay the ransom.
Your father is very stressed about work, darling.
We're going to go on a real vacation soon, Mummy promises.
Yes, lie to her.
That's excellent parenting.
I need a drink.
You! Concierge.
Find the manager and tell him to bring a nice bottle of wine to our room.
Something red.
A sauvignon blank.
[GRUFFLY] Yes, sir.
[CLEARS THROAT] The manager's on our side of the schism.
Well, one of them is, anyway.
I hear this hotel has a spa, which is perfect because I'd like a face peel.
Do you get to pick whose face, or you just peel it off whoever's around? I don't think it works that way.
Well, I need to relieve my stress somehow if you expect me to be put in charge of planning - Not in the lobby! - Oh! There are eyes everywhere.
We'll talk about it in the room.
I don't want to go to the room.
I'm an adorable, beautiful, cute, dainty, eye-pleasing, flawless girl, and I want to go to the pool! [BELL DINGS] Remind me why we can't send her back to her parents.
We burned down their house with them inside.
- Wait, what did you say? - Nothing, darling.
- Why didn't he recognize us? - He only saw our uniforms.
The villainous hotel guests often treat staff like they're invisible.
Do you think Count Olaf is the one posing as J.
? I don't know, but it can't be good that he's here.
We have to find out what he and Esmé are planning.
Are you eavesdropping on our guests? We're doing the job we were instructed to do.
You must be our new concierges.
Welcome to the hotel.
I'm one of the managers.
- Frank or Ernest? - Exactly.
I'm happy you're here, even though one of you is unusually short because we're unusually short-handed.
This way, please.
The job of the concierge is to give our guests everything they ask for.
When they ring, you volunteer.
What do those numbers mean? There can't be 999 rooms in this hotel.
That's an interesting question.
Do you know what they mean? [MAN] Some luggage arrived in a taxi, but the driver said the guest won't get here until Thursday.
Thursday? Excuse me, concierges.
Do you think that was Frank? He used the word volunteer.
Maybe it was a code.
Everything he said sounded like a code.
You must be our new concierges.
Welcome to the Hotel Denouement.
I'm one of the managers.
Are you Frank or Ernest? I am.
You're just in time.
We're anticipating a large number of guests before Thursday.
- Do you know why? - We think so.
- Can you tell me? - Interesting question.
That's a smart answer.
It's hard to know who you can trust in a hotel lobby.
There are countless wicked people in the world.
Sooner or later, some of them will check into a hotel.
Sir, The Daily Punctilio arrived with an update on those murderers.
Murderers? Excuse me, concierges.
That had to be Ernest.
The part about wicked people sounded like a threat.
Unless it was a warning.
I'm confused.
- How are we supposed to find anyone? - I can answer that question.
Finding someone here is as easy as finding a book in a library because the Hotel Denouement is not organized like a hotel at all.
It's organized like a library.
Well, a library organizes knowledge according to a numerical classification system.
That's right.
All guests at the hotel are placed in rooms according to where they would be shelved in a library.
But anyone who works here would have to know the library catalog by heart.
[BELL DINGING] Room 610.
That's for our guests associated with the healthcare industry.
[BELL RINGING] 332, financial economics.
[VIOLET] That bell doesn't have a number.
That's our rooftop sunbathing salon.
People who sunbathe usually aren't interested in library science, so they're not too picky about location.
Three bells, three rooms.
But you can't be in three places at once.
You'll have to split up, Baudelaires.
- You know our names? - Are you Frank or Ernest? - That's an interesting question.
- [BELLS RINGING] Your assignments await.
It is impossible for one person to be in three places at once, unless, of course, that person is viewing a television program.
A person viewing a television program does not have to choose between seeing Sunny's mysterious meeting on the third floor Klaus's discovery of a strange conspiracy on the sixth floor and Violet's dangerous dilemma in the rooftop sunbathing salon.
[BELL DINGS] You may see all three of these things.
Just not at the same time.
No one's ever looked good with a mustache, so I guess I'll be the first.
[BELL DINGS] [CARMELITA] Yippeekiyay, mateys! I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate! [ESMÉ] Of course you are.
Carmelita's been exploring her tomboy side.
Isn't she adorable? As the vice principal of Prufrock Prep, I can tell you Carmelita was always an adorable girl, and now she's an adorable tomboy! [VIOLET] Some girls find "tomboy" insulting.
That means their interests don't conform to somebody else's expectations.
[MOCKING] Some girls find tomboy to be an insulting term that blah, blah, blah Who dares interrupt a genius when he's sunbathing? Must be the concierge.
You're late.
I rang two whole minutes ago.
- What is it you require, ma'am? - Don't address me.
I'd no sooner look at or speak to the help than I would wear modest clothing.
You're speaking to the help right now.
I didn't summon you for your opinion.
I summoned you to give that adorable little girl in the yacht whatever her heart desires.
Everyone, watch me shoot a hoop! Hey, concierge, I want an ice cream cone with hot pink sprinkles, and bananas, and lemon sorbet because I'm lactose intolerant.
My daughter and I are here on topsecret business.
If I may gush like an open wound, I'm not just a vice principal, but I'm also the vice president of the Esmé Squalor Fan Club! I'm your number one fan.
That is so charming.
I don't do autographs.
I'd love to hear more about your topsecret business.
I've read every story about you in The Daily Punctilio.
You are so glamorous and important.
You remind me of myself.
Please, tell me, what are you planning next? That's top secret.
But I can tell you it's gonna be the "innest" cocktail party this hotel has ever seen.
[NERO] A cocktail party! People are going to be so excited.
Some will probably have heart attacks! I hope so.
They're certainly in for a big surprise.
What kind of surprise? If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise.
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I'm a member of the Esmé Squalor Fan Club, and I'd love to hear about a big surprise at a cocktail party.
- Can't you give me a hint? - No! Pretty please! With sugar on top.
- I also want sugar on top.
- No.
Does it have to do with the spyglass? What spyglass? When I was watching you from under that table, which I often do as your number one fan, I saw that you were watching the sky with a spyglass.
Why? Because Bird-watching is "in.
" Bird-watching in! Wait until the readers of the Esmé Squalor Fan Club newsletter hear about that! You're such a wonderfully nosy man.
You must know all sorts of information.
Tell you what.
I'll give you a hint about the secret ingredient in my party's hors d'oeuvres if you tell me about a certain person who's been inviting people to this hotel.
[ESMÉ] Hmm? His initials start with J.
[SCOFFS] You of all people should know who know J.
is! - He's your - Stupid cakesniffer! That concierge is just standing there instead of getting me my lactose-free ice cream cone! I'm so sorry, Carmelita.
Not so fast.
How does a concierge know my daughter's name? It's on her boat.
That checks out.
[CARMELITA] Oh, there's one more thing I forgot to tell you to get me.
I want a harpoon gun.
[BELL DINGS] Excuse me, sir.
Is there a problem? A guest asked for something.
I don't think I should give it to her.
The job of the concierge is to give the guests exactly what they ask for.
Giving a harpoon gun to Carmelita Spats would be wrong.
But not giving it to her would be suspicious.
is aware of Ms.
Spats' intentions, and we've already taken them into account.
Sometimes what seems wrong is really part of a larger plan.
Can I trust you, concierge? If I can trust you.
The clock in the lobby of the Hotel Denouement was the stuff of legend, a phrase which here means "very famous for being very loud.
" The noise it makes sounded a lot like a word, and that word described Violet Baudelaire as she prepared to carry a harpoon gun to the rooftop sunbathing salon.
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!"] [BELL DINGS] [DOOR OPENS, PANTING] Thank goodness you got here so fast.
I rang two minutes ago, and it's an emergency.
- Babs? - How do you know my name? It's on your name tag.
Well, that makes sense.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER] I'm sorry I'm so jumpy, but the last person I trusted tied me up, stole my clipboard, and burned down my hospital.
I'll never get that clipboard back.
- You said there was an emergency.
- Yes, it's terrible.
I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend in the sauna, but this hotel is poorly organized, so I have no idea where it is.
Well, the 200s are the library catalog numbers for religion, and saunas are often a place for spiritual contemplation, so the sauna is on the second floor.
My, you're smart.
Have you considered being a doctor? Right this way, ma'am.
Your boyfriend should be inside.
[MAN] Who's there? I can't see a thing in this steam.
It's your girlfriend! And the concierge.
Ah, the concierge! I would love an aqueous Martini.
I'm hooked, although I know they're terribly out of style.
You two are a couple? Yes! Yes! We met at a support group for people who were terrorized by Esmé Squalor, and we fell hopelessly in love.
Isn't that right, love of my life? It's definitely not a cover story, fire of my loins.
[NERVOUSLY LAUGHING] I'll get that Martini.
[BABS] I'm so anxious.
How long do we have to keep this act up? [MAN] There are enemies in this hotel.
We have to make them think we're a happy couple if we want to help the Baudelaires.
That's what J.
said in that telegram.
Oh, the Baudelaires.
Letting them go was the biggest mistake of my life.
I shouldn't have let that man who said he was a doctor - nearly cut off their heads.
- Hmm.
We just have to wait till Thursday.
That's when all these unfortunate events will be over and I go back to the real love of my life.
We met at a support group for people who have escaped horrible partners.
He got a telegram from J.
too, but he couldn't be here.
He's busy at his lumber mill.
Oh, oh, oh.
Well, I have someone too.
She also received a telegram, but couldn't make it either.
She's in prison for bank robbery.
Ah! Well, J.
did say that everyone who's ever met the Baudelaires was invited, so that makes sense.
Excuse me.
I have a telegram from J.
, although I can't give it to you until you give me his name.
You mean her name.
is a woman.
I thought he was a sea captain.
Hmm Well, well, well.
What do we have here? I fear I'm overdressed.
It's blood.
[BABS LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Ah, there you are, concierge.
I have an important job for you.
I need you to help me hang this from the window of room 598, but we must be careful.
It's so sticky that anything it touches becomes instantly trapped.
Is it flypaper? Yes, although our problem is not flies.
It's birds.
You want me to hang flypaper out of the window of a hotel room to trap birds? That seems strange.
Sometimes what seems strange is really part of a larger plan.
Can I trust you, concierge? If I can trust you.
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!"] [LEMONY] As you know, the noise made by the clock in the lobby of the Hotel Denouement sounded a lot like a word.
This word described Klaus Baudelaire as he helped hang a strip of birdpaper outside the fifth floor.
I could've sworn I heard someone knock at the door.
Ah! Oh, there you are.
I rang two minutes ago, which is exactly the amount of time it takes to get from the third floor to the lobby, so you're neither early nor late.
My, the concierges are short in this hotel.
[BABBLING] I have no idea what you're saying.
So I have a very important meeting in the restaurant in room 954, but my secretary, Jacqueline Scieszka, moved to Winnipeg, and my other secretary, whose name I never learned, quit abruptly this morning.
So, do you have any secretarial experience? Excellent! Follow me.
You remind me of a toddler I know.
I mean, obviously you can't be her.
I mean, why would a toddler be working at a hotel and as a concierge? [LAUGHS] Oh, I just must be hungry for a familiar face.
Hello, I'm Larry Your-Waiter.
I hope you're hungry for Indian food.
In room 954, which is the library catalog number for India and South Asia, we're proud to serve a wide variety of Indian dishes.
The culinary history of the region is quite fascinating.
I'll just have a glass of milk.
Don't want to broaden your horizons? No, thank you.
I'm afraid of foreigners.
One glass of milk coming up, and something to bite for the little lady.
I swear I've seen that waiter somewhere before.
It's the oddest thing, but this hotel is positively packed with familiar faces.
Ah, you must be J.
! Call me Snicket.
Jacques Snicket.
We've never met.
Oh, you're most certainly right we've never met.
I may forget a name, but I never remember a face.
Well, lookee here.
A small child.
As an upstanding, book-reading, still-living citizen, I sure love children.
I love 'em so darn much.
It's frankly kind of disturbing how much I love children.
Which is why I am not going to let you out of my sight.
This is actually my secretary.
Well, technically, she's a concierge.
Shall we get started? Did you procure the items I requested? I said "procure," when a perfectly normal word would do, because I, Jacques Snicket, am an insufferable know-it-all who likes to show off.
- I read your telegram.
- Which I signed J.
- Which you signed J.
, yes.
- Which are definitely my initials.
Which are certainly your initials.
And as requested, I gathered everything I found in the Baudelaire case, including all the information that could incriminate Count Olaf.
I'll just take that.
Then I thought I'd be remiss in my duties as a banker if I handed an incomplete file.
After all, you requested everything.
So I did some digging, and do you know what I found? Uh What? Everything.
I combed through thousands of documents until I found each bit evidence that could relate to the Baudelaire case.
- How tedious.
- Compliment taken.
A bank is a bit like a library, although we don't approve of people browsing.
And once I gathered it all up, I came to a shocking discovery.
That you have to get out more? This file is more than a collection of esoteric documents chronicling the unhappy lives of several children.
No! When taken together, it forms a complete history of injustice, as demonstrated by a wicked villain, his treacherous girlfriend, and various well-meaning yet ineffectual authority figures who help him, intentionally or unintentionally, along the way.
I even gave it my own title.
I call it, The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting After Fortunes.
Poe, this is a shocking development.
I promise to keep that file safe, or my name isn't Jacques Snicket, a pompous dogooder who is definitely not dead.
- This isn't the file.
- Beg your pardon? This is the index.
The file was too big for my briefcase.
It's being delivered tonight by another client who requested the same materials.
- You both have the exact same initials.
- J.
Fancy seeing you here.
I forgot your milk.
- But it's on that tray.
- I'll go get it from the chef.
Odd service.
- Hotel restaurants! - [CHUCKLES] So tell me, who is this other J.
that seems so interested in the Baudelaire orphans? I'm afraid I can't discuss that.
Banker-client confidentiality.
Pretend your life depended on it.
[GULPS] [LARRY] Things are worse than we thought.
How soon before J.
arrives? The real J.
, not that imposter in the dining room.
And the package will be arriving as well.
But our enemies are watching the skies.
If they intercept the delivery, we will all be eating crow.
Crow is tough to eat.
I hope we have enough sugar.
Especially if there are mushrooms on the menu.
That came from the kitchen.
Where did your secretary go? Ah, concierge, I need you to come with me to room 025, the laundry room.
I need you to put this special lock on the door.
[POE] They tend to just wander off, like orphans or cats.
I know how to make a cat stay.
You skin it.
If you see that waiter, tell him I'm still waiting on that milk.
We'll take the service elevator.
Sometimes what seems mysterious is really part of a larger plan.
Larry, you're done ruining my schemes, and also my lunch.
You haven't even tried the curry.
It's way too spicy.
Olaf, you lack more than an appreciation for subcontinental cuisine.
You lack morals and ethics.
And back-up! Where are your associates now? Where are yours? Oh, right.
I killed them all.
You can wear a fake mustache, you can rent a tuxedo This isn't rented.
I stole it.
You'll never be half the man Jacques Snicket was.
At least I'm not going to be cooked alive in curry.
- Is that a threat? - Did it sound like one? - Yes, it did.
- Good.
It was.
We'll see about that.
Frank, would you please escort this villain off the premises? I think you mean Ernest.
[LARRY] Unhand me, you cretins! You cads! You man-handling imposters! It's an insult! It's an outrage! This is no way to treat a waiter! I'm sorry it has to end like this.
Our little tête-à-têtes have been fun, but this rivalry, like this sauce, has simmered far too long.
Do you expect me to talk? No, Larry Your-Waiter.
I expect you to boil.
This was dry-clean only.
[SIGHS] It's important to keep this room secure.
Can I trust you, concierge? [BABBLING] [CLOCK BONGS] [LEMONY] The sound of the clock in the lobby described Sunny Baudelaire as she turned the laundry room entrance into a Vernacularly Fastened Door.
But it also describes the story of the Baudelaires because everything they thought they knew about their lives, their situation, and the Hotel Denouement was wrong.
- Wrong.
This hotel is full of people we know, but they can't all be part of V.
They were all invited by someone with the initials J.
, but they each think that J.
is a different person.
Vice Principal Nero said J.
is someone that Esmé would know.
Like her husband, Jerome Squalor.
But Jerome Squalor said J.
is a woman who wants to help us.
Poe's secretary was called Jacqueline Scieszka.
And Babs thinks that J.
is a sea captain.
One of Count Olaf's disguises was Captain Julio Sham.
But Count Olaf is disguised as Jacques Snicket.
He doesn't know who the real J.
is either.
There are other mysteries.
Why is Esmé planning a cocktail party, and what does Carmelita want with a harpoon gun? Did Frank or Ernest give me the birdpaper? And who told Sunny to lock the laundry room door? Why is everyone watching the skies? Sunny, I don't know what you mean.
I know what she means.
The humorist John Godfrey Saxe wrote a poem that was a favorite of the Baudelaires' father, who would often torment his children by reciting it.
In the poem, six blind men encounter an animal and are unable to agree what it looks like.
The first man feels its tall side and concludes it must be a wall.
The second feels its trunk and decides it resembles a snake, and so on.
The moral of the poem is that observing a part of something is not the same as observing the whole.
But if you share your observations, you may find that what seems confusing is really part of a larger plan.
We've each heard parts of a larger plan.
If we put them all together, we can see the whole shape.
Larry Your-Waiter said something about a package being delivered tonight, and crows.
What if he meant carrier crows, like the ones Isadora used to send couplets in the Village of Fowl Devotees? That would explain why Esmé's watching the skies and why Carmelita needs a harpoon gun.
She's gonna shoot it down.
And I bet that's why Frank or Ernest had you hang that birdpaper.
If a crow was shot at a certain angle, it would strike the building at the fifth floor, and then it would stick to the birdpaper, then the package would fall to the ground.
- Maybe, or maybe not.
- Where else could it land? I saw a laundry vent under the window.
What if the plan is for the package to fall in there? - It would end up in the - Laundry room.
Sunny locked the door.
If Frank gave her the lock, then the package is safe.
But if it was Ernest, then it's not.
We don't even know what the package is.
Maybe we do.
What are both sides of the schism after? - The sugar bowl.
- The sugar bowl.
[SQUEAKING] Yes, you can take that to room 347, please.
Civil procedures and courts.
[VIOLET] Justice Strauss! Baudelaires! Baudelaires! Oh, my sweet Baudelaires! Look at you! Oh, Klaus, you've gotten so tall.
Violet, you're so grown up.
And Sunny - [BITES] - [GASPS] I see you're still a biter.
You recognize us.
I care about you children deeply.
- I would recognize you anywhere.
- What are you doing here? Well, after that fraud of a wedding, I couldn't forgive myself for letting you down, so I decided to set things right.
I went looking for you.
[BELL DINGING] Next stop, Lousy Lane! Next stop, Lake Lachrymose! [BELL DINGING] Next stop, the burnt remains of Paltrytville! Prufrock Prep! Dark Avenue! Village of Fowl Devotees! Next stop, the hinterlands! The burnt remains of Heimlich Hospital! The burnt remains of Caligari Carnival, and the Mortmain Mountains! [BELL DINGING] [BRAKES SQUEALING] But everywhere I went, you were already gone.
Then how did you find us? I had some help from a very strange book.
The book told me about a secret organization that was devoted to fighting the fires of the world.
- They were trying to help you, too.
- So what did you do? Well, I think we should sit down for this part.
I realized finding you wouldn't be enough, not if Count Olaf was still at large.
But if I could gather V.
, along with all the witnesses of Count Olaf's crimes, then the High Court could hear the whole story and we could bring him to justice at last.
You're putting Count Olaf on trial? That's why you invited everyone here.
You've been helping us this whole time and we didn't know? I didn't do it alone.
Jerome Squalor shared personal anecdotes about injustices in the financial sector.
He's sorry he let you down too.
Jacqueline Scieszka provided invaluable note-taking and globe-trotting services.
Jacques Snicket may be dead, but his research lives on.
And, of course, I read all about the nefarious deeds of Captain Julio Sham.
I sent all my research to a bank for safekeeping.
And here it is, all collected at last.
The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting After Fortunes.
We invited Count Olaf here too, and my sources say he's arrived.
But after Thursday, he'll be behind bars, and all your troubles will be over at last.
Well, our troubles won't be over until we find a home.
Well, my home could use three lovely, clever, talented children.
That is, if you can forgive me.
We'd love to live with you.
Do you really mean it? Of course.
Then this night is different from all other nights because this story is finally over.
We should get to sleep.
But rest easy, Baudelaires.
We'll be a family soon.
[LEMONY] As the Baudelaires contemplated a future with Justice Strauss, they were excited to tell Kit what they'd learned.
Though they wondered what could be keeping her.
I can't believe you're alive.
The Daily Punctilio ran your obituary.
Oh, you can't believe anything you read in The Daily Punctilio, although they did spell my name right.
- Where have you been? - On the lam.
It's better to let our enemies think that I was dead.
What about your siblings? I read about Jacques in the paper.
That's why I came back.
- I had to see if it was true.
- It isn't just Jacques.
While you've been gone, we've lost so many good people.
Monty, Josephine, the Quagmires.
And Beatrice? Lemony, I'm so sorry.
I've missed so much.
I feel like I'm arriving in the middle of someone else's story.
It can be your story, too.
Now that you're back, you can help us.
I can't help anyone, Kit.
You were there that night at the opera.
You know that everything that's happened is my fault.
The world's troubles aren't the fault of any one person, but it is your fault if you do nothing.
Come back to the hotel with me.
Join V.
Join us.
- What can I do? - You're not dead yet.
Do something.
- I saw you with - He's a good man.
I'm happy for you.
Four children.
- I have missed a lot.
- Four? One on the way.
I saw you with three more at the hotel.
Lemony, those children aren't mine.
They're the Baudelaires.
You mean that they're - [POPPING] - A signal flare.
[LEMONY] Looks like a self-sustaining hot-air mobile home.
The Quagmire triplets and a flock of eagles.
They're gonna bring it down! The Queequeg is just offshore.
- I can take it to rescue them.
- Kit How can I help? Do you still have a valid taxi driver's license? [CLOCK TICKING] Are you awake? - I can't sleep.
- Me neither.
These sofas make terrible beds.
It's not the sofas.
There's something bothering me.
Me too.
We know who J.
We know the sugar bowl is being delivered, but we don't know why it's important or which brother put the lock - on the laundry room door.
- That's the problem.
You said you were with Frank or Ernest at three o'clock.
You heard the clock strike three.
[CLOCK BELL BONGS] Sunny was with the other brother at the same time.
[CLOCK BELL BONGS] - So ? - So I was with one of the brothers too.
All three of us were with Frank or Ernest at three o'clock exactly.
[CLOCK BELL BONGS] I see what you mean.
Two brothers can be in two places at the same time.
They can't be in three places.
I wish this hotel was a library.
We could use the library catalog system to find some answers.
Is there a library catalog number for mysteries? 135.
I already thought of that.
But there is no room 135.
Maybe it's not a room.
[VIOLET] Remember when we stayed at that hotel and we thought it would be fun to press a bunch of buttons at the same time? Father said when you do that, you never know where you'll end up.
Let's see where we end up.
- [KLAUS] We're going down.
- [VIOLET] The basement laundry room.
[KLAUS] The elevator isn't stopping.
There must be a sub-basement.
[KLAUS] It looks like a library card catalog.
Someone's been repairing a book.
- [KLAUS] The paste is still wet.
- [VIOLET] The tea is still hot.
[MAN] Kit, is that you? You're not Kit.
- And you're not Frank.
- And you're not Ernest, either.
Because the Denouement brothers aren't twins.
They're triplets.
Kit told me that you were clever.
My name is Dewey Denouement.
I'm pleased to meet you.
- Why didn't Kit tell us about you? - My existence is secret, which suits me fine because my work is secret, too.
You see, the Hotel Denouement is not just organized like a library.
It is a library.
We collect reports from every V.
agent, scholar, researcher, inventor, scientist, explorer, cartographer, poet, journalist, naturalist, herpetologist, optometrist, receptionist, chef, waiter, taxi driver, sea captain, film director, ballerina, children's book author, and mountaineer.
Our volunteers are everywhere, observing the world and writing it all down in books.
These books then pass through a number of safe places, from hospitals to carnivals, to end up here the Last Safe Place.
Ever since the schism, it's more important than ever to keep our research cataloged and secure.
So while Frank and Ernest run the hotel, I do my work in the shadows.
- Here we are.
- Where's the library? [DEWEY] Look below the surface.
- It's a sub-library, so it's submerged.
- It's under the pond.
Our enemies could burn the hotel to the ground and our work would be safe.
It's a secret library.
Then why are you telling us? After Thursday, Kit and I are leaving V.
to raise our child.
The Last Safe Place will need a new sub-librarian, or three of them.
You want to give us your library? I've read all about you, Baudelaires.
Violet, you've invented amazing things under incredible pressure.
Imagine what you could do with the time and resources that you'd have here.
Klaus, your research skills are on par with V.
's greatest librarians.
Why not use them in service of its greatest library? And Sunny, I've heard wonderful things about your cooking.
Never underestimate the way that a good meal can change the world.
After Thursday, Count Olaf will be behind bars.
You'll need a new home.
Why not here? Justice Strauss wants us to live with her.
She promised to keep us safe.
And I'm sure she would.
But you're not children anymore.
Is a safe life really enough? Before we answer, there's one secret we want to know.
What's in the sugar bowl? Ah! An interesting question.
I searched the hotel for you orphans, which wasn't easy because it's very poorly organized, but you're in my clutches at last.
It's not poorly organized.
It's arranged like a library catalog.
We're not in your clutches.
We're standing at the edge of a pond.
That's what you think.
I'm afraid the man next to you is one of my associates.
Hand them over, Ernest.
Oh, I'm not Ernest.
Well, then, hand them over, Frank.
You might want to consider doing your hair different - so I can tell you apart.
- I'm not Frank either.
What, what? Well, you can't be Dewey.
He's a myth, like unicorns or Giuseppe Verdi.
Giuseppe Verdi is real.
He's an Italian composer.
You're outnumbered, Olaf.
This hotel is full of volunteers who arrived early, as noble people do, while your accomplices, being wicked, will arrive late.
[ESMÉ] Of course we will.
Being early is "out.
" That's why they call it fashionably late.
Who wants to see me hit a cakesniffer with a harpoon? Don't wave that around, child.
It's dangerous.
But I need to practice.
If I hit a crow, you promised to teach me how to spit like a real ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate! Esmé Squalor and Carmelita Spats.
My library is full of accounts of your treachery.
Library? I'm beginning to think you are Giuseppi Verdi.
You mean Dewey Denouement.
Dewey Denouement? Like the unicorn? How exquisite.
I do hope you're coming to my cocktail party.
We're serving mushrooms.
She means the Medusoid Mycelium.
That's their plan, to poison everybody at the party! With V.
out of the way, I'll be able to steal the Baudelaire fortune and anything else I feel like taking.
You would never unleash the Mycelium.
Not without the sugar bowl.
[ESMÉ] Funny you should mention that.
Once we shoot that crow, we'll retrieve the sugar bowl from the laundry room.
Only problem is some pesky volunteer put a V.
lock on the door.
You're a capable woman, Esmé.
You could be doing so much more than playing second fiddle in the last chair in the back row of a thirdrate orchestra for Count Olaf.
I'm second to nobody.
Now, if you're really Dewey Denouement, you know all about the sugar bowl.
You know what's inside and how important it is, and you know that it is mine.
The container is yours, not what it contains.
Beatrice stole it from me! There are worse things in this world than theft.
[OLAF] There certainly are.
Give us the codes to the lock, or this little girl will harpoon you.
I'm not shooting any harpoons until Countie teaches me to spit! You will do as I say.
I already bought you that ridiculous outfit.
Teach me to spit! [GROWLS] Teach me to spit! - Shoot the harpoon! - Teach me to spit! - Shoot the harpoon! - Teach me to spit! I will never teach you to spit as long as I can breathe! Ha! You apologize to our darling little girl! She is not a darling little girl.
She is a spoiled brat! I am tired of pretending to be a family, and I am tired of a girlfriend who undermines my authority! You would have our fortune if it weren't for Esmé.
You stay out of this! If it wasn't for her, you'd be rich and we'd be dead.
Yeah, those brats have a point.
I would be rich.
They would be dead.
You've never cared about me, Esmé.
All you care about is the sugar bowl, free acting lessons, and what's "in" and what is "out"! Oh, I'll tell you what's "in" and what's "out.
" Being constantly unappreciated by a man whose pant leg doesn't even cover his ankle.
"Out!" Being stuck playing second-banana in a series of increasingly ludicrous schemes in increasingly remote locations.
Extremely "out"! I think you're gonna love this one, darling.
Losing time and again to three children.
Look at them.
They're not even old enough to rent a tuxedo, and yet, they beat you every time! That is the "outtest" thing of all! Esmé you're fired.
[SCOFFS] And I'm breaking up with you.
You can't break up with me.
No one has ever done that before.
That's what makes it so satisfying.
You really want me out of your life? To ta lly.
[FROG CROAKING] You haven't heard the last of Esmé Gigi Genivive Squalor.
Come on, darling.
- Is Countie not my daddy anymore? - He's not mine either, pet.
- Baudelaires - Going somewhere? Olaf, put the gun down.
You've lost your associates.
I never needed them anyway.
All I need is the Baudelaire fortune and the three phrases to open the V.
Even if you open it, you'll find nothing in the laundry room except laundry.
The lock is a decoy.
[SNORTS] I may have a handsome and youthful glow, but I wasn't born yesterday.
I'll give you until the count of ten.
One - Two - If you want to shoot him, - you'll have to shoot me! - I can live with that.
Three You'll have to shoot me too.
- You're sweetening the pot.
Four! - Baudelaires If he shoots us, he'll never get the Baudelaire fortune.
There's still the baby.
Five! You have a choice.
You can choose not to pull that trigger.
Yes, and you can choose death by harpoon.
Six! Seven! Eight! Uh nine.
You don't have to do this.
[SIGHS] It's all I know how to do.
[COUGHING] What's going on out here? [GASPS] Good God, that man's been shot! [LEMONY] There is an opera called La Forza del Destino written by a composer named Giuseppe Verdi.
"La forza del destino" is an Italian phrase meaning "the force of destiny," and destiny is a word which tends to cause arguments among the people who use it.
Some people think that destiny is something that you cannot escape, like death or curdled cheesecake.
Other people think that destiny is an invisible force that guides people through their lives, as if they are simply characters in an opera.
In the opera La Forza del Destino, the characters argue, fall in love, run away to monasteries, engage in duels, and drop a gun on the floor, where it accidentally goes off and kills someone.
The opera is a tragedy, and so is the story of the Baudelaires, who were about to experience a similar incident.
I said, good God, that man's been shot! [PANTING] Kit - Dewey! - Dewey! The consequences would ripple through their lives like water in a pond.
What do we do? Baudelaires, you just shot that man with a harpoon gun, along with that other man who I didn't get a really good look at.
You're going to wait right here until I get the manager.
That was the manager.
[MAN] Hey, what's going on? - [BOY] What was that racket? - [MAN] What's going on down there? The sugar bowl.
[BIRDS CAWING] Kit Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire.
My name is Lemony Snicket.