Abbott Elementary (2021) s01e11 Episode Script
Desking
- Ooh, pretty.
- Oh, thanks.
One of my students gave me this for some reason and Hey, that's a nice sweater.
Oh.
Thank you, Myles.
Uh, wow.
A compliment, and it wasn't a set up for a punchline.
I know.
I was waiting for, "Nice sweater.
Didn't know Bert and Ernie had a yard sale.
" But the kids have actually been really cool lately.
And, like, excited to learn? Yeah.
No, same.
No misbehaving.
The grades are up.
And I'm getting flowers, apparently.
- Like, are we awake? - You know what? I think we have finally earned their enthusiasm and respect.
Well, enthusiasm I hoped for, but respect? One can only dream.
Hey, Vick, what's Gucci? Ayy! And great job on your quiz.
Somebody's been putting in the work.
Anything for you, Mr.
C! That was so cute.
Wait.
Who is Mr.
C? I don't know, but I'm not gonna push it.
I don't want to ruin what we have by, like, asking a lot of questions, right? Oh, there you are, Jacob.
My auntie's dog needs her sweater back.
Got 'eem.
Great job, guys! All A's and B's! We're all superstars in this class.
Oh.
Alright, guys.
Quietly and safely.
Quietly and safely.
It's been a long year with lots of ups and downs, but it was all worth it to get here.
Looks like someone finally has this teaching thing figured out.
Okay.
Looks like someone forgot where the floor was.
Let me get some paper towel and clean that up.
Wait.
What What the? Who did this? And I told my neighbor, I said, "If you call 311 on a native tree, they are gonna rip it out without so much as even consulting an arborist.
" And the hilarious thing about all this Nope.
The hilarious things is, the number for 311 isn't even 311 Jacob, please.
Stop.
I'm sorry.
It's not you.
Not me.
"Jacob, stop" could have meant, like, any Jacob.
It's just, I had the whole, um, principal job as my only goal for awhile, and finding out that that's not happening anytime soon has got me thinking about a lot.
No.
I get it.
Yeah, not in the mood for a story.
Got it.
Hey.
You guys want to hear something weird? Janine, read the room.
We are not in the mood for that.
Okay, well, then I won't tell you I found shoe prints on my desks.
Wait, no.
You found shoe prints on your desks? Yeah.
That's weird, right? - Yeah.
- Wait, hold up.
I found some shoe prints on my desks, too.
I paid it dust.
It's not the weirdest thing I've found on my desks.
Yeah.
I found some, too.
I thought I was going crazy.
Wait, so other people have found shoe prints in their classrooms? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, nothing's going on in my classroom.
My desks are as clean as a whistle.
So, wait, if this is happening to everybody except Barbara, then what's going on? - It's weird.
- I mean, no idea.
I know what's going on, and it's bad.
In fact, I've been praying that it wouldn't breach our walls.
- Ghosts.
- It's called desking.
It's a new online challenge where kids jump from desktop to desktop.
Heard about it last week through the custodial network.
Mm.
These videos are everywhere.
Mr.
Ronson over at West Adams Elementary said he's been cleaning desks for weeks.
- Ohh.
- Oh, geez.
Go! Go! Go! You got this! Oh, my God! There's hundreds of these! This is horrible! This can't be what's happening here, though, right? I mean, our kids respect us too much.
Someone could really get hurt here.
I've already been hurt.
I know about every Internet trend.
How did I not find out about this? We need to get to the bottom of this.
You know what? I bet you I can get a shoe print.
Did you clean your desks off yet? - No.
- Nasty.
Okay, does anybody know shoes? My boyfriend, Zach, is a total sneaker-head.
He He loves shoes more than anything.
Well, except ya boy.
That's me.
I'm "ya boy.
" Okay.
It doesn't look like anything I can find online.
When's your shoe guy get here? Uh, he is on his way.
So this Zach, he lives with you? Yeah.
He just moved in last month.
And that's going well? Yep.
He's so great.
So he knew you and was like more? Well, I think he sounds like a really neat guy, right? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Heyyy.
There's my guy.
Black?! It's actually pronounced "Zach.
" You must be Ava.
You were all thinking it.
I see you.
Don't look at me like that.
We always look at you like this.
It's very nice to meet you, Zach.
Well, if it isn't my pizza crust queen.
We went out to eat last week and I ate all his pizza crust.
I don't like to waste food.
Wait, is this our desker? Yes.
Huh.
Huh? What What do you mean by "huh"? It looked smaller in the pic.
This is way too big to be a second grader.
They laughing in our faces.
Mm-hmm.
If this was a small adult sneaker, it increases the make and model options significantly.
He's so smart.
We came in 3rd at trivia night last week over at Oscar's.
You know, down by Rittenhouse.
We were eliminated on a technicality, but Sri Lanka, if you didn't know Honey, where is this story going? Are we focusing on the task at hand? Mnh.
No, we're not.
I'm so sorry.
Please continue.
Did he just stop Jacob from being himself? Can we put him in glass and break in case of emergency? Alright, let's get to work.
They say the first 48 hours are the most important.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Are those the black and grey asymmetric midsoles? I decided to be adventurous and wear sneakers today.
Sick.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- I like him.
- Mm.
Still don't know how he lives with Jacob.
You think his neck gets tired from all the nodding? Mm-hmm.
Just got an e-mail from Zach.
Subject: "You're welcome.
" - Ooh.
- Oh.
Oh, we about to bust this case wide open.
Uh okay.
He says that while he initially leaned Jordan 5s, the faint line at the mid-arch indicates a swoosh and not the Jumpman logo Okay.
Scroll.
Scroll.
- Is there a picture? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Okay, well, this is great.
All we have to do is look at the kids' feet, which is something I would say we normally wouldn't do, but No.
We don't.
'Cause I've only seen those on two kids Brianna and Stefon.
Yeah, but let's not rush out and make accusations.
I'm coming for you! Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Two of you take Stefon, the other two take Brianna.
Right.
Good cop, bad cop.
You know, it's interesting that they say "good cop, bad cop," because policing in this country is so broken, it's really just "bad cop, bad cop.
" - Janine, you're with him.
- Got it.
Look, Stefon, I get it.
I was a kid once.
But you and I both know this is gonna end, and when it does, you don't wanna be the one left holding the bag.
'Cause that's exactly what's gonna happen when your friend over there starts talking.
I bet she ratting you out right now like a little Fredo Corleone.
So I would talk if I were you.
'Cause you don't want me sending you over to Ms.
Teagues and Mr.
Hill.
I don't think you'd like what's going on in that room.
Look, sometimes, sometimes, the right thing is fun.
So why don't you tell us who started this and who's doing it? You know, doesn't that sound fun? Okay, kid.
First one to talk, first one to walk.
How'd those shoes get on that desk? - Name names! - Yeah, name names.
TikTok, Twitch, Discord? Just tell me where they setting them trends - and you can leave.
- Yeah.
No.
We got to get a confession.
Squeal, and you can Dipset like Cam'ron.
You know what? One second.
Okay.
She's not talking.
Okay.
Uh, let me try something, okay? Um You look a little thirsty.
Oh, look what I found.
A nice, cold, refreshing juice.
I bet you'd like some juice.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, okay.
'Cause me? I'm thirsty.
I can't get it in.
You You have to twist it.
Yeah.
No.
I can I can do it myself.
Ah.
Oh.
I'm sorry, you tired? Want some coffee? 'Cause I can do this all day, kid.
I got all the time in the world.
No, we don't.
Tell me who started this viral sensation, or I swear to God Boy, if you test me.
Okay, Ava, let's go outside.
- Don't you play with me, boy.
- Now, Ava.
Can't believe neither of them talked.
I'm actually sort of proud.
Alright, let 'em out.
Alright, let's go.
We're gonna figure this out, you guys.
Yeah.
Somebody's gonna slip up.
It's out of your control, oldhead.
Abbott's gonna be number one in this challenge.
Wait.
You're trying to be number one in all of Philly? - In all of the United States.
- Of America.
It's bigger than you can imagine.
Bigger than me.
Bigger than you.
You'll never stop this.
- Okay.
Get back to class.
- Yeah.
No problem.
That's where the desks are.
Okay, since none of the kids are talking, we gotta catch one of them in the act.
Then we flip that kid, follow it up to the top.
Who wants to go fishing? Okay.
Well, nobody is jumping up on my desks, so this is feeling like y'all's problem.
I could do a "21 Jump Street" kind of thing.
If I put on the right hat, I could pull off 13.
I don't think so.
How about we get you some platform shoes - and you can pull off 12.
- Okay.
I can catch one of 'em.
Haven't done this kind of fishing in a minute.
Let's go.
I didn't volunteer.
A stakeout needs two people.
Think, boy.
Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff while the other one eats a hoagie? I We're going about this all wrong.
You know, you don't build a dam in the middle of a rushing river.
You build it before the water comes.
- That is so wise.
- What the hell are you talking about? If we talk to the younger kids about the dangers of desking and how it actually isn't cool beans, then we stop the desking before the flood.
And I think they'll listen to us, because they don't look at us as teachers and students.
We've built bonds this year that are deeper than that.
- Oh, please.
- That's not gonna work.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Not in a million years.
- Okay, we get a kid to rat, okay? - Uh-huh.
I FaceTimed my own iPad from my phone and left my phone in Janine's room so we could survey the scene.
Ah.
This ain't my first rodeo, hombre.
I've staken out before.
You stake out other classrooms? No, you creep.
I did private investigator work back in the day.
You were a private investigator before a custodian? No, before I worked at the rodeo.
Oh.
Sorry.
I just I thought that, you know What, that I've been a custodian my whole life? No, man.
I worked as a pipe fitter, a minor league baseball bunting coach, a tastefully nude model, sold RVs for summer.
Might find a new path after this.
Wait, you never dreamed of just doing one thing? Sure, I have.
But a dream can be a distraction just as easy as it can be a goal.
We got movement! Show yourself, coward! Aw, man, it's just Janine and Jacob.
Let's go.
No one's gonna go desking with teachers in the room.
Alright! Interesting.
So, we have gathered you here today, dearly B-students Get it? Okay.
Keep going.
We knew it was 50/50.
Yeah.
We are here today to talk about desking.
What's desking? Ah, good question.
Desking is getting from one side of the classroom to the other by hopping on the tops of desks.
I never heard of it.
I wanna do it! Is she messing with you, or are we just teaching more kids what it is? No, no, no, no.
Look, is desking cool beans? Sure, it is.
Right? But me and my dawg here are not here to lie to you and pretend that desking isn't cool.
But guess what's maybe even more cool? Huh? Okay! Are you hearing this? Teamwork! Teamwork! - It went great! - It really did.
I mean, I'm surprised, but also not surprised.
- The kids were so invested - Hello.
Hey, I'm sending you a video that you need to watch.
Wait, wait.
Why are you FaceTiming me? I'm at work.
'Cause I want to be referenced in the story when you tell it later.
- Love you, bye! - Uh Oh, my God.
Zach has been so great during all of this.
I know.
He can get a little obsessive, but - Well, so can you.
- Me? No.
No, Zach calls me "lovingly over-passionate.
" You know what? That's wonderful.
Oh, my God, it's a video of you and me from just now.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Like two minutes ago? That's so cool.
The kids are already spreading our message! Yep, there they are, spreading your message.
Aw, man.
Why am I not getting these videos? I've done everything I possibly can to make my phone think I'm 22.
I haven't used capital letters in years.
My God.
I cannot believe they betrayed our trust.
Okay, alright, we need we need to just make sure that this is an isolated incident and Yeah.
Sweet baby Jesus, and the grown one, too! My desks have been desked! - They got you? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, this is bad.
Mnh! Their fault.
They went on a desking promotional tour.
- No, uh - What have you done? Alright.
Guys? They have made fools of us.
I really thought that they looked at us as more than just teachers but, like, friends.
Maybe that's the problem.
They like us so much, they've forgotten that we're authority figures.
Whoa.
We're actually too cool for school.
Mm-hmm.
And now this thing is spreading everywhere.
- We are losing control.
- We're out of moves.
You lose Barbara, you lose the war.
We might have one move left.
We can tell the school district.
This is happening all over the city.
- Of Philadelphia.
- Yeah.
So they will bring that hammer down and put an end to all this.
Do we really want to become narcs? I prefer "heroes.
" - So they were receptive? - Oh, very receptive.
They don't want to be sued if some kid slips and falls on a desk.
Hey, Ally, what what are you doing? You ain't hear? The school district's making us take all our desks - out of our classrooms.
- Somebody snitched.
Told the school district that we have some dangerous viral trend that could leave the city at risk for "legal culpability.
" All because I wasn't trying to solve the problem at all.
What idiot thought the school district was gonna help? Huh.
What Yeah, what well-intentioned idiot? Get all your desks to the gym until this whole thing blows over or there's some new trend that I don't hear about because life is a joke, people.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Who knows when those kids'll start arriving.
They get here at 7:30.
Every day? That's wild.
Janine, how many times is tattling gonna bite you in the culo before you quit being a narc? Mm.
I am too old to be doing all of this.
At least you guys are on the same floor as the gym.
Look, guys, I know this is a minor inconvenience, but at least we stopped desking.
- Right? Yay! - Mm.
Or we've created the greatest desking arena ever known to man.
What fresh hell is this? Oh, Janine.
It's like desking Six Flags! We are just leading the children into temptation, like Satan.
Mm-hmm.
Is it that bad? I think if I was a young person who was interested in desking, it might, you know, call to me.
Relax, y'all.
I've been refreshing all my feeds, and we're in the clear.
There's no way the kids know about this.
You sure about that? By the end of the week, I will desk the Abbott Elementary Gym.
- Oh, no.
- No! Okay, look.
No, no, no.
No.
Don't worry, don't worry, because we'll just take turns - guarding the entrance.
- No! Why is my Internet not sending me anything cool? I should have gotten that video before Mr.
Johnson.
No offense, boo.
It is not your phone, Ava.
You are not one of them.
You are not a Jojo Sea-bass.
You mean JoJo Siwa? I don't know what I mean, Janine.
That's the point.
But I do know that you all need to stop pretending like you can relate to these children.
Because when you do, it just seems sad, desperate, and embarrassing.
Mm.
You heard Barbara.
Y'all are embarrassing.
I know your plan.
Move it along.
That face don't work on me.
Need a partner for this shift? Oh, no.
I'm good.
Just need two men for a stakeout and a foot chase.
Right.
Alright, what do you want? You remember what you were talking about? Nope.
About having a lot of jobs.
You ever have an experience where you wanted a different job than the one you were at? You liked the one that you were at, but since it's not the one that you thought you wanted, you're a little conflicted? If you think I'm some sort of black Yoda Hmm, then correct you would be, Padawan.
You got to be open for what life brings you.
If I'd kept aiming for that one job I wanted so much when I was your age, you'd be looking at a very unfulfilled operations manager at Uncle Bradley's Baked Beans.
Damn, I wanted that job.
Must have had some good benefits.
- And a ladder straight to the top.
- Yeah.
But, hey, without that rejection, I never would have found out the stuff that I love.
Yeah, man.
I really wanted to be principal.
Then it didn't happen and and now I think I'm mad.
You got plenty of time, youngin'.
Attentions, please! I really felt like I was bonding with these kids and that they liked me, and as much as I felt that, and as much as Ava wants to be cool, Barbara was right.
Kids will always think teachers are lame.
Can't fight that, but we can use it.
Once I do this and those kids see it, desking will be corny and over.
Jacob, we rolling? Kill it! You got this, Janine.
- Whoo! - Don't Don't say that.
- I don't believe that she does.
- No.
She's got it.
- She's not very coordinated.
- She's gonna kill it.
Oh! - God.
- And she's down.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm okay.
No.
Ow.
I'm okay.
Ow.
No, no, no.
I can still do this.
You know, this is my Kerri Strug moment.
No, it's your "stay down and let me get you some ice" moment.
Okay? Y-Your ankle's blowing up.
You're not gonna be walking, let alone desking.
But someone has to do this.
Someone the kids will think is really lame.
- You got this, Jacob.
- Yes.
Come on, man.
Hey.
I got your sneakers.
I've been begging him to wear these.
These are the Honeydews.
Now, some people think that this color is sea glass, but that's completely ignoring the history of the entire Babe, babe, task at hand.
Ah.
You're right.
I'm doing it again.
Anyways, the point is these were built for comfort and speed.
Also, I brought your shorts.
Oh, thanks, babe.
So, just out of curiosity, how'd you guys meet? Ohh, I was in a late night line for sneakers, and he was there protesting the inhumane work conditions of the place making the sneakers.
I got the limited edition Smokey-Foams and a man that day.
Oh.
I get it now.
I forget that black people can also be annoying.
What'd you say? Hey, what's everyone watching? Yo, some white boul desked the gym! Check it! Student: Whoa! He's wearing the Honeydew suedes.
Abbott Ultimate Desking Challenge.
Done! Teacher style.
Whoa, what the Whew! Is that Mr.
C? Desking's deaded.
I can't believe the video worked.
Yeah.
Those kids do not want to be us.
You know, the fact that we are doing this well without clout propping us up is some good old-fashioned being-pretty-darn-good-at-our-jobs.
Yeah.
You're right.
But imagine what it'll be like when we actually do get them to think we're cool.
- Oh, thanks.
One of my students gave me this for some reason and Hey, that's a nice sweater.
Oh.
Thank you, Myles.
Uh, wow.
A compliment, and it wasn't a set up for a punchline.
I know.
I was waiting for, "Nice sweater.
Didn't know Bert and Ernie had a yard sale.
" But the kids have actually been really cool lately.
And, like, excited to learn? Yeah.
No, same.
No misbehaving.
The grades are up.
And I'm getting flowers, apparently.
- Like, are we awake? - You know what? I think we have finally earned their enthusiasm and respect.
Well, enthusiasm I hoped for, but respect? One can only dream.
Hey, Vick, what's Gucci? Ayy! And great job on your quiz.
Somebody's been putting in the work.
Anything for you, Mr.
C! That was so cute.
Wait.
Who is Mr.
C? I don't know, but I'm not gonna push it.
I don't want to ruin what we have by, like, asking a lot of questions, right? Oh, there you are, Jacob.
My auntie's dog needs her sweater back.
Got 'eem.
Great job, guys! All A's and B's! We're all superstars in this class.
Oh.
Alright, guys.
Quietly and safely.
Quietly and safely.
It's been a long year with lots of ups and downs, but it was all worth it to get here.
Looks like someone finally has this teaching thing figured out.
Okay.
Looks like someone forgot where the floor was.
Let me get some paper towel and clean that up.
Wait.
What What the? Who did this? And I told my neighbor, I said, "If you call 311 on a native tree, they are gonna rip it out without so much as even consulting an arborist.
" And the hilarious thing about all this Nope.
The hilarious things is, the number for 311 isn't even 311 Jacob, please.
Stop.
I'm sorry.
It's not you.
Not me.
"Jacob, stop" could have meant, like, any Jacob.
It's just, I had the whole, um, principal job as my only goal for awhile, and finding out that that's not happening anytime soon has got me thinking about a lot.
No.
I get it.
Yeah, not in the mood for a story.
Got it.
Hey.
You guys want to hear something weird? Janine, read the room.
We are not in the mood for that.
Okay, well, then I won't tell you I found shoe prints on my desks.
Wait, no.
You found shoe prints on your desks? Yeah.
That's weird, right? - Yeah.
- Wait, hold up.
I found some shoe prints on my desks, too.
I paid it dust.
It's not the weirdest thing I've found on my desks.
Yeah.
I found some, too.
I thought I was going crazy.
Wait, so other people have found shoe prints in their classrooms? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, nothing's going on in my classroom.
My desks are as clean as a whistle.
So, wait, if this is happening to everybody except Barbara, then what's going on? - It's weird.
- I mean, no idea.
I know what's going on, and it's bad.
In fact, I've been praying that it wouldn't breach our walls.
- Ghosts.
- It's called desking.
It's a new online challenge where kids jump from desktop to desktop.
Heard about it last week through the custodial network.
Mm.
These videos are everywhere.
Mr.
Ronson over at West Adams Elementary said he's been cleaning desks for weeks.
- Ohh.
- Oh, geez.
Go! Go! Go! You got this! Oh, my God! There's hundreds of these! This is horrible! This can't be what's happening here, though, right? I mean, our kids respect us too much.
Someone could really get hurt here.
I've already been hurt.
I know about every Internet trend.
How did I not find out about this? We need to get to the bottom of this.
You know what? I bet you I can get a shoe print.
Did you clean your desks off yet? - No.
- Nasty.
Okay, does anybody know shoes? My boyfriend, Zach, is a total sneaker-head.
He He loves shoes more than anything.
Well, except ya boy.
That's me.
I'm "ya boy.
" Okay.
It doesn't look like anything I can find online.
When's your shoe guy get here? Uh, he is on his way.
So this Zach, he lives with you? Yeah.
He just moved in last month.
And that's going well? Yep.
He's so great.
So he knew you and was like more? Well, I think he sounds like a really neat guy, right? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Heyyy.
There's my guy.
Black?! It's actually pronounced "Zach.
" You must be Ava.
You were all thinking it.
I see you.
Don't look at me like that.
We always look at you like this.
It's very nice to meet you, Zach.
Well, if it isn't my pizza crust queen.
We went out to eat last week and I ate all his pizza crust.
I don't like to waste food.
Wait, is this our desker? Yes.
Huh.
Huh? What What do you mean by "huh"? It looked smaller in the pic.
This is way too big to be a second grader.
They laughing in our faces.
Mm-hmm.
If this was a small adult sneaker, it increases the make and model options significantly.
He's so smart.
We came in 3rd at trivia night last week over at Oscar's.
You know, down by Rittenhouse.
We were eliminated on a technicality, but Sri Lanka, if you didn't know Honey, where is this story going? Are we focusing on the task at hand? Mnh.
No, we're not.
I'm so sorry.
Please continue.
Did he just stop Jacob from being himself? Can we put him in glass and break in case of emergency? Alright, let's get to work.
They say the first 48 hours are the most important.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Are those the black and grey asymmetric midsoles? I decided to be adventurous and wear sneakers today.
Sick.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- I like him.
- Mm.
Still don't know how he lives with Jacob.
You think his neck gets tired from all the nodding? Mm-hmm.
Just got an e-mail from Zach.
Subject: "You're welcome.
" - Ooh.
- Oh.
Oh, we about to bust this case wide open.
Uh okay.
He says that while he initially leaned Jordan 5s, the faint line at the mid-arch indicates a swoosh and not the Jumpman logo Okay.
Scroll.
Scroll.
- Is there a picture? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Okay, well, this is great.
All we have to do is look at the kids' feet, which is something I would say we normally wouldn't do, but No.
We don't.
'Cause I've only seen those on two kids Brianna and Stefon.
Yeah, but let's not rush out and make accusations.
I'm coming for you! Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Two of you take Stefon, the other two take Brianna.
Right.
Good cop, bad cop.
You know, it's interesting that they say "good cop, bad cop," because policing in this country is so broken, it's really just "bad cop, bad cop.
" - Janine, you're with him.
- Got it.
Look, Stefon, I get it.
I was a kid once.
But you and I both know this is gonna end, and when it does, you don't wanna be the one left holding the bag.
'Cause that's exactly what's gonna happen when your friend over there starts talking.
I bet she ratting you out right now like a little Fredo Corleone.
So I would talk if I were you.
'Cause you don't want me sending you over to Ms.
Teagues and Mr.
Hill.
I don't think you'd like what's going on in that room.
Look, sometimes, sometimes, the right thing is fun.
So why don't you tell us who started this and who's doing it? You know, doesn't that sound fun? Okay, kid.
First one to talk, first one to walk.
How'd those shoes get on that desk? - Name names! - Yeah, name names.
TikTok, Twitch, Discord? Just tell me where they setting them trends - and you can leave.
- Yeah.
No.
We got to get a confession.
Squeal, and you can Dipset like Cam'ron.
You know what? One second.
Okay.
She's not talking.
Okay.
Uh, let me try something, okay? Um You look a little thirsty.
Oh, look what I found.
A nice, cold, refreshing juice.
I bet you'd like some juice.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, okay.
'Cause me? I'm thirsty.
I can't get it in.
You You have to twist it.
Yeah.
No.
I can I can do it myself.
Ah.
Oh.
I'm sorry, you tired? Want some coffee? 'Cause I can do this all day, kid.
I got all the time in the world.
No, we don't.
Tell me who started this viral sensation, or I swear to God Boy, if you test me.
Okay, Ava, let's go outside.
- Don't you play with me, boy.
- Now, Ava.
Can't believe neither of them talked.
I'm actually sort of proud.
Alright, let 'em out.
Alright, let's go.
We're gonna figure this out, you guys.
Yeah.
Somebody's gonna slip up.
It's out of your control, oldhead.
Abbott's gonna be number one in this challenge.
Wait.
You're trying to be number one in all of Philly? - In all of the United States.
- Of America.
It's bigger than you can imagine.
Bigger than me.
Bigger than you.
You'll never stop this.
- Okay.
Get back to class.
- Yeah.
No problem.
That's where the desks are.
Okay, since none of the kids are talking, we gotta catch one of them in the act.
Then we flip that kid, follow it up to the top.
Who wants to go fishing? Okay.
Well, nobody is jumping up on my desks, so this is feeling like y'all's problem.
I could do a "21 Jump Street" kind of thing.
If I put on the right hat, I could pull off 13.
I don't think so.
How about we get you some platform shoes - and you can pull off 12.
- Okay.
I can catch one of 'em.
Haven't done this kind of fishing in a minute.
Let's go.
I didn't volunteer.
A stakeout needs two people.
Think, boy.
Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff while the other one eats a hoagie? I We're going about this all wrong.
You know, you don't build a dam in the middle of a rushing river.
You build it before the water comes.
- That is so wise.
- What the hell are you talking about? If we talk to the younger kids about the dangers of desking and how it actually isn't cool beans, then we stop the desking before the flood.
And I think they'll listen to us, because they don't look at us as teachers and students.
We've built bonds this year that are deeper than that.
- Oh, please.
- That's not gonna work.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Not in a million years.
- Okay, we get a kid to rat, okay? - Uh-huh.
I FaceTimed my own iPad from my phone and left my phone in Janine's room so we could survey the scene.
Ah.
This ain't my first rodeo, hombre.
I've staken out before.
You stake out other classrooms? No, you creep.
I did private investigator work back in the day.
You were a private investigator before a custodian? No, before I worked at the rodeo.
Oh.
Sorry.
I just I thought that, you know What, that I've been a custodian my whole life? No, man.
I worked as a pipe fitter, a minor league baseball bunting coach, a tastefully nude model, sold RVs for summer.
Might find a new path after this.
Wait, you never dreamed of just doing one thing? Sure, I have.
But a dream can be a distraction just as easy as it can be a goal.
We got movement! Show yourself, coward! Aw, man, it's just Janine and Jacob.
Let's go.
No one's gonna go desking with teachers in the room.
Alright! Interesting.
So, we have gathered you here today, dearly B-students Get it? Okay.
Keep going.
We knew it was 50/50.
Yeah.
We are here today to talk about desking.
What's desking? Ah, good question.
Desking is getting from one side of the classroom to the other by hopping on the tops of desks.
I never heard of it.
I wanna do it! Is she messing with you, or are we just teaching more kids what it is? No, no, no, no.
Look, is desking cool beans? Sure, it is.
Right? But me and my dawg here are not here to lie to you and pretend that desking isn't cool.
But guess what's maybe even more cool? Huh? Okay! Are you hearing this? Teamwork! Teamwork! - It went great! - It really did.
I mean, I'm surprised, but also not surprised.
- The kids were so invested - Hello.
Hey, I'm sending you a video that you need to watch.
Wait, wait.
Why are you FaceTiming me? I'm at work.
'Cause I want to be referenced in the story when you tell it later.
- Love you, bye! - Uh Oh, my God.
Zach has been so great during all of this.
I know.
He can get a little obsessive, but - Well, so can you.
- Me? No.
No, Zach calls me "lovingly over-passionate.
" You know what? That's wonderful.
Oh, my God, it's a video of you and me from just now.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Like two minutes ago? That's so cool.
The kids are already spreading our message! Yep, there they are, spreading your message.
Aw, man.
Why am I not getting these videos? I've done everything I possibly can to make my phone think I'm 22.
I haven't used capital letters in years.
My God.
I cannot believe they betrayed our trust.
Okay, alright, we need we need to just make sure that this is an isolated incident and Yeah.
Sweet baby Jesus, and the grown one, too! My desks have been desked! - They got you? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, this is bad.
Mnh! Their fault.
They went on a desking promotional tour.
- No, uh - What have you done? Alright.
Guys? They have made fools of us.
I really thought that they looked at us as more than just teachers but, like, friends.
Maybe that's the problem.
They like us so much, they've forgotten that we're authority figures.
Whoa.
We're actually too cool for school.
Mm-hmm.
And now this thing is spreading everywhere.
- We are losing control.
- We're out of moves.
You lose Barbara, you lose the war.
We might have one move left.
We can tell the school district.
This is happening all over the city.
- Of Philadelphia.
- Yeah.
So they will bring that hammer down and put an end to all this.
Do we really want to become narcs? I prefer "heroes.
" - So they were receptive? - Oh, very receptive.
They don't want to be sued if some kid slips and falls on a desk.
Hey, Ally, what what are you doing? You ain't hear? The school district's making us take all our desks - out of our classrooms.
- Somebody snitched.
Told the school district that we have some dangerous viral trend that could leave the city at risk for "legal culpability.
" All because I wasn't trying to solve the problem at all.
What idiot thought the school district was gonna help? Huh.
What Yeah, what well-intentioned idiot? Get all your desks to the gym until this whole thing blows over or there's some new trend that I don't hear about because life is a joke, people.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Who knows when those kids'll start arriving.
They get here at 7:30.
Every day? That's wild.
Janine, how many times is tattling gonna bite you in the culo before you quit being a narc? Mm.
I am too old to be doing all of this.
At least you guys are on the same floor as the gym.
Look, guys, I know this is a minor inconvenience, but at least we stopped desking.
- Right? Yay! - Mm.
Or we've created the greatest desking arena ever known to man.
What fresh hell is this? Oh, Janine.
It's like desking Six Flags! We are just leading the children into temptation, like Satan.
Mm-hmm.
Is it that bad? I think if I was a young person who was interested in desking, it might, you know, call to me.
Relax, y'all.
I've been refreshing all my feeds, and we're in the clear.
There's no way the kids know about this.
You sure about that? By the end of the week, I will desk the Abbott Elementary Gym.
- Oh, no.
- No! Okay, look.
No, no, no.
No.
Don't worry, don't worry, because we'll just take turns - guarding the entrance.
- No! Why is my Internet not sending me anything cool? I should have gotten that video before Mr.
Johnson.
No offense, boo.
It is not your phone, Ava.
You are not one of them.
You are not a Jojo Sea-bass.
You mean JoJo Siwa? I don't know what I mean, Janine.
That's the point.
But I do know that you all need to stop pretending like you can relate to these children.
Because when you do, it just seems sad, desperate, and embarrassing.
Mm.
You heard Barbara.
Y'all are embarrassing.
I know your plan.
Move it along.
That face don't work on me.
Need a partner for this shift? Oh, no.
I'm good.
Just need two men for a stakeout and a foot chase.
Right.
Alright, what do you want? You remember what you were talking about? Nope.
About having a lot of jobs.
You ever have an experience where you wanted a different job than the one you were at? You liked the one that you were at, but since it's not the one that you thought you wanted, you're a little conflicted? If you think I'm some sort of black Yoda Hmm, then correct you would be, Padawan.
You got to be open for what life brings you.
If I'd kept aiming for that one job I wanted so much when I was your age, you'd be looking at a very unfulfilled operations manager at Uncle Bradley's Baked Beans.
Damn, I wanted that job.
Must have had some good benefits.
- And a ladder straight to the top.
- Yeah.
But, hey, without that rejection, I never would have found out the stuff that I love.
Yeah, man.
I really wanted to be principal.
Then it didn't happen and and now I think I'm mad.
You got plenty of time, youngin'.
Attentions, please! I really felt like I was bonding with these kids and that they liked me, and as much as I felt that, and as much as Ava wants to be cool, Barbara was right.
Kids will always think teachers are lame.
Can't fight that, but we can use it.
Once I do this and those kids see it, desking will be corny and over.
Jacob, we rolling? Kill it! You got this, Janine.
- Whoo! - Don't Don't say that.
- I don't believe that she does.
- No.
She's got it.
- She's not very coordinated.
- She's gonna kill it.
Oh! - God.
- And she's down.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm okay.
No.
Ow.
I'm okay.
Ow.
No, no, no.
I can still do this.
You know, this is my Kerri Strug moment.
No, it's your "stay down and let me get you some ice" moment.
Okay? Y-Your ankle's blowing up.
You're not gonna be walking, let alone desking.
But someone has to do this.
Someone the kids will think is really lame.
- You got this, Jacob.
- Yes.
Come on, man.
Hey.
I got your sneakers.
I've been begging him to wear these.
These are the Honeydews.
Now, some people think that this color is sea glass, but that's completely ignoring the history of the entire Babe, babe, task at hand.
Ah.
You're right.
I'm doing it again.
Anyways, the point is these were built for comfort and speed.
Also, I brought your shorts.
Oh, thanks, babe.
So, just out of curiosity, how'd you guys meet? Ohh, I was in a late night line for sneakers, and he was there protesting the inhumane work conditions of the place making the sneakers.
I got the limited edition Smokey-Foams and a man that day.
Oh.
I get it now.
I forget that black people can also be annoying.
What'd you say? Hey, what's everyone watching? Yo, some white boul desked the gym! Check it! Student: Whoa! He's wearing the Honeydew suedes.
Abbott Ultimate Desking Challenge.
Done! Teacher style.
Whoa, what the Whew! Is that Mr.
C? Desking's deaded.
I can't believe the video worked.
Yeah.
Those kids do not want to be us.
You know, the fact that we are doing this well without clout propping us up is some good old-fashioned being-pretty-darn-good-at-our-jobs.
Yeah.
You're right.
But imagine what it'll be like when we actually do get them to think we're cool.