Abbott Elementary (2021) s03e11 Episode Script

Double Date

Oh, hey, Melissa.
Hey, Barbara. I'm baaaack.
We're all back, kid. It's a Thursday.
Well, yeah, but I'm back back.
Yeah, but wasn't
your first day back last week?
No, it's today.
Welcome back, Janine.
Well, thank you, Mr. Morton.
You know, for someone
fresh off maternity leave,
- you look great.
- I did not have a baby.
I was working at the school district.
AVA: I have an exciting
announcement, Abbott.
Today is the long-anticipated
return of one of our faves
cinnamon buns in the cafeteria.
Cinnamon is da winnah, mon!
[CLEARS THROAT] Good morning, everyone.
- STUDENTS: Good morning.
- Hey, Alex.
I'm happy you're back, Miss Teagues.
Thank you.
Let's get started.
Oh, great job, Esme.
Way to carry that one.
We're gonna do great things
this year, guys.
It's almost May.
I've officially been back
teaching for 45 minutes.
We've already played
the States game on the big map,
done a math worksheet,
and one of the students threw up
from eating too many cinnamon buns.
I can't believe I was
ever not doing this.
Hello! I missed that knock.
It's good to have you back.
Uh, those are nice.
The kids get those for you?
Oh, no. Those are from
my friends at the district.
Ah. Oh, um, do you still have
those glitter glue sticks
I lent your class back in September?
Yes. Those were for me,
not my class. One second.
I hid them in a secret compartment.
[WHISPERING] It was a shoe box.
- Ah. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mmm. Yum.
I missed this coffee so much.
Really? I think it's bleaching my gums.
Oh, hush!
I got to finish this before book club.
Oh, I have books. Can I join?
- No, you cannot join.
- Admission is closed.
Besides, the first meeting is tonight.
[CHUCKLES] Well, who's in
this exclusive book club?
Me, Barb, Ava, Ms. Inez,
Mr. Johnson, Mr. Morton.
BARBARA: Book club was Ava's idea.
She's become a voracious reader.
And Ms. Inez told her
that she might enjoy,
you know, discussing them with others.
And I love literature and community.
Even if she did name it AARB.
Ava And Her Reading Bitches
going off tonight in the gym.
This bitch is ready.
I should be that bitch.
Plus, I ordered Danny Wok's
and Morton's paying for it.
That's a rotating schedule, right?
[LAUGHS] Sure. Anyway, I am hype.
It will be a most erudite discussion.
MELISSA: Yeah, I flew through it.
Even though it did kind of
give arsonists a bad name.
Oh, please. Shh! I'm not done.
You didn't finish your homework?
Proud of you, girl.
JANINE: Well, what's the book?
"Parable of the Sower"
by Octavia Butler.
Oh, I've read that!
What an intense, sad, introspect
We do not need this feminist
novel mansplained to us.
Well, then why does Morton
get to be in the club?
Because he's trying to better understand
the female perspective
while he goes through
his trial separation.
So, there.
Yo, yo! Greggo my Eggo.
Tonight I'm getting dinner
with this paramedic
- I've been seeing, Avi.
- Okay.
And he's got this super-chill coworker.
He thought, oh, it might be fun
if we made it, like, a double-dateski.
He asked if I had a straight friend,
and I was like,
"I've got the best one ever."
- You in?
- Um, you know
I am getting
a little tired of these apps.
Why do you need apps
when you've got J-date?
Or, no, sorry.
Yeah, let's do it.
It's probably time to shake
it up. My last date kept using
the wrong spelling of "there"
in every single text.
You'd think she'd get it right
even by accident.
Uh, anyway, I'll see you T-H-E-R-E.
- Heck, yeah!
- Oh.
- You okay?
- Sorry, Quinn.
- Very good.
- I did.
All rise!
Or don't.
This book club is now in session.
Since this is my first nerd hang,
Roz, what do we do?
Well, we can start with everyone saying
whether they liked the book.
I loved it.
It was so refreshing
to have a protagonist
that actually put
her faith first in decisions.
Yeah, and I love novels
about societal collapse.
A world without laws?
Don't threaten me
with a good time. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I think we can all agree
that some of the feminist
rhetoric was a bit over the top.
Well, actually, couple's counseling
is going pretty poorly. Why?
Okay, back on topic.
Uh, let's imagine
in a post-apocalyptic society
like this one, what skills
would you bring to the table?
For instance, if pushed,
I could strangle someone
to death with my bare hands.
Pfft. Well, I have a family history
of doing what needs to be done.
I can fish and throw a plunger
60 yards if it comes to that.
My strength is my faith and my voice
To heal the sca-a-a-red ♪
I'm funny, and I know science.
You are not funny,
and you know the periodic table
and plate tectonics,
not how to filter water. [CHUCKLES]
Honestly, I'm pretty shaky
on plate tectonics.
Uh, what about you, Ava?
I'd be leader, of course.
You wouldn't be my leader. [CHUCKLES]
Why not? I've been prepping
for environmental catastrophe
since I was 10 years old.
I have a year's worth of fresh
water hidden in this very
in a building that I know someplace.
Mm. Well, thank you very much, Ava,
but I think that my faith-based
governance would thrive
in the end times.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.
Barb, you know I love you. Um
Just that you're a spiritual woman,
and there are a couple of stone tablets
that might get in the way
of the [CLEARS THROAT] tough decisions
that you have to make in the apocalypse.
So I think I better go it alone.
- Well
- Can you dig a hole?
Can you dig two holes?
Yeah, Barb. How many holes can you dig?
Blood was spraying everywhere.
I was literally soaked.
That is disgusting.
[LAUGHS] It was totally disgusting.
And so I-I applied
the tourniquet and, um
And he looks up, and he says,
"Did I look cool?"
And those were the last words
he ever said.
I know.
- No, I'm just kidding. I was just kidding.
- Are you serious?
Yeah, no, he was fine, yeah.
I-I really believed you
right there for a second.
We brought him to the ER. He was fine.
Probably. We don't
usually do follow-ups.
Okay. What is the most blood
that you have ever seen?
Trust me, I can handle it.
"Gory" is literally in my name.
Okay, you're weird, which is perfect
'cause so is Olivia. [LAUGHS]
So, we are looking at
like a 45-minute wait.
Gregory, keep your ringer on. I
gave your number to the restaurant.
Oh, should we get a drink here
while we wait?
They have darts.
Oh, Jacob's banned from the
darts here, speaking of blood.
Oh. How am I supposed to get better
if they won't let me practice?
GREGORY: It's just a liability.
This place is packed.
Does anyone see a max-occupancy sign?
You're right. We're off the clock.
I'll grab the first round.
Is that Janine?
JACOB: Oh, my Godot,
it is. She looks amazing.
Is she on a date?
With Manny?
And now, Janine is back
working at Abbott.
Avi, you remember Janine.
She punted the CPR dummy.
Exactly. Let's go say hi.
No, no, no, no. I don't think we should.
Um, no one wants to be on
a date around their coworkers.
Well, Avi and I coworkers
and we're on dates.
Same for you and Jacob.
Yeah, and I-I'm not so sure
that it's a date.
Janine would have told me.
Well, that's exactly why
we shouldn't go over there.
I mean, she clearly wants her privacy.
Why are you so sure she's on a date?
Look at what she's wearing.
Yeah, that's a freak'um dress.
She's on a date. God, and he's cute.
See, Jacob? It's a freak'um dress.
And he's cute.
Every day ♪
- Not gonna get involved in all of it.
- How are we gonna flow
if no one's listening to each other?
- That's the problem.
- All I'm saying is
at some point, cannibalism
becomes a caloric necessity.
I-It feels like we all had
different takeaways.
Which is okay!
No, it's not. It's disgusting.
The message of the book
was actually quite simple.
His messages usually are.
Oh, yeah, if you agree
that the message is
human beings should rarely,
if ever, trust each other.
- And avoid California.
- Mm!
AVA: I see why y'all
didn't want me to be in charge.
You obviously lack
reading-comprehension skills,
which explains a lot about this
school in general, actually.
I-I-I have to say,
usually reading discussions
expand the mind.
But this seems to have
only reinforced your existing
and troubling viewpoints.
I'd rather die than change my mind.
It's the American way.
Perhaps one-on-one conversations
would be more fruitful.
Factions, you say?
Well, small discussion groups.
Fine by me. Melissa and Mr. Johnson,
your shared nihilism
seems compatible, and
Roz, your ability to see
the best in everyone means
that you'll thrive under my leadership.
And, Barbara,
you think that religion is the answer,
which makes you the only person
that will take Morton.
Okay, come on, Mr. J.
I wanna hear more about your
philosophy on booby trapping.
Nothing beats a good
old-fashioned pit of sharpened sticks.
- Yeah.
- Did you Did you hear that?
Yes. [CHUCKLES] That was hilarious.
Oh. That I'm the oldest of four?
Well, yeah, it was the
way you said it. I got to me.
Oh, then you're gonna love this.
I'm an only child. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, you're a tough nut
to crack, Gregory.
I was actually triplets,
but I absorbed my siblings in the womb,
and so my mom named me
Are you, um you feeling okay, buddy?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.
- Okay.
He's really just gonna
go sit next to her, okay.
Well, you did say they're on a date.
Yeah. I mean, of course,
and, like, it it doesn't
Who cares? You know what I'm saying?
But, like, they must be dating
for a while.
And it's weird that
she wouldn't tell us, you know?
You know what? He must have been the one
who sent those flowers
that were on her desk.
Of course. Look at his beard.
What does his beard
have to do with anything?
That's a date beard.
What is a date beard?
I-I'm just saying he grows
a really nice beard, you know?
And that's that's the kind of beard
that you want to be on a date with.
- Like, for example, Olivia.
- Hmm?
You would be so much
more attracted to me
if I had that beard, right?
- Oh, that's not really
- Definitely.
I identified with
the character's hyper-empathy.
You know, you talk a lot
for a librarian.
I can barely hear what
others are plotting.
And I don't even think it's
even about the hentai anymore.
Why don't I go and get us some water?
And, uh, no need to pause
while I'm gone.
Heads up we got a missionary
coming our way from Bible-town.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I'm just grabbing
some water for our group.
You're grabbing?
We don't take kindly
to thieves around these parts.
Maybe you should try
praying for some water.
M-Maybe we should
all come back together as a
- I got the water!
- Hey, what'd she do?
Good distraction.
Not what I was going for at all.
I know. You're lucky
I'm such a brave leader.
Now check me for wounds.
I got Danny Wok's for Phoebe Morton?
Oh, that's me.
It's my wife's credit card, and
boy, does she love to remind me.
[CHUCKLES] Well, looks like
the Good Lord delivered once again.
Is that "Parable of the Sower"?
I read that book.
Well, how would you like
to join an alliance of
independent barbarians scouring
the wasteland for resources?
Hmm. Absolutely.
I've been trying to get fired all week.
BARBARA: Let's see what's in the bag.
Olivia, I'm sorry.
I've been distracted, and that's rude.
But have you ever bumped into somebody
that you just didn't expect to see?
Actually, yeah.
Uh, I responded to a call
at my piano teacher's
Is that Is that Tariq and Erika?
Is she on double date with her ex?
So you just know everyone
at this bar, then?
Jacob, is Tariq dating Erika?
I think he's still dating Nick's mom.
Uh, hello. Can I be a part
of this convo?
Um, yes, I'm sorry. So sorry.
You were saying something about, uh,
your piano teacher and a call, right?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
So, I'm going up the stairs,
and I'm looking around,
and I realize the guy looks so familiar.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey Janine.
And is that Manny?
- MANNY: Come on.
- That's crazy. How are you?
I'm good, bro. How are you
doing, Gregory Eddie?
Good. I'm gonna Be right back.
- No. No.
- I'll be right back.
- What's up?
- Gregory Eddie, what's up, man?
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's good to see you.
- Hey, Gregory.
- What's up? Are you Hey.
Are you on a double date with Jacob?
Yeah. Yeah, me and Jake are
on a on a double date.
I dunno know about y'all, though.
Did you just call him Jake? I'm sorry.
- I did. I did. Yeah. I did.
- Oh. Okay.
But how we doing here?
H-How's How's the date going?
Yo, Talent Manager. What's up?
Hey, uh, remember
that time you screamed,
and then everybody looked at you?
Yeah. You're a wild card, dude. [LAUGHS]
Pretty normal card. [CHUCKLES]
That girl you're with is cute.
Who? O-Olivia? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's cool. She's great.
She's, um, a hero, actually.
She's an EMT.
- Nice.
- But isn't it crazy that we're all here
at Rubensteins tonight
just dating it up, everybody?
You here. You here.
I'm here. We all here.
- We dating.
- ERIKA: Well
Uh, no, not me. My lady's at the house.
She taking in a Redbox right now,
- a.k.a. a case of Merlot.
- Mm. Right.
I'm here on official
PTA president business,
meeting with Manny
on the district's tab.
No, no, no. The district's
not paying for these drinks.
Oh, well, someone with the last
name District bought these.
Wait. I know you didn't think
I was on a date with Tariq?
Oh, so only the people on the
right side of the booth are dating?
No, Greg, none of us are on dates.
Nobody here is on a date, so
Oh, but you all are dressed so well.
We do look good. I'll give you that.
Erika and I are going out to
the hookah bar after this, so
Ah, okay. So why are you
here with Manny?
We were just tying up
some loose ends at the district
- really quickly
- Right, right.
and Rubensteins is the only place
you can take your laptop out after 5:00.
- Hey-oh.
- Oh, okay.
I'm don't see a laptop, but, uh,
you got up and you moved
to the other side, so
- Oh, you have been here a while.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Well, Manny was
just showing me a text thread
between him and the superintendent.
He keeps responding to all my
texts with Nelson Mandela GIFs,
and I think it's fascinating.
Fascinating. So fascinating.
I want to know so much about that.
But then you popped that mint and
Because we were eating garlic bread,
and I didn't want to be
bothering Miss Teagues.
So, it's actually pretty
delicious, if you want some.
But your beard.
Crumbs are inevitable, man.
Damn, Gregory! Any more questions?
Rubensteins going off on a Thursday!
What's up, Brunchy Bunchers?!
TOGETHER: Eat it up!
Jake, um, so nobody here is on a date.
None of them are dating.
Which is what you were
trying to tell me,
- and I should have listened.
- Right, right.
Oh, oh, the, um
- We gotta The Yep.
- Yeah. Okay.
Our, uh, table next door is ready.
Um, but this was really great.
We should do this again.
- Do what exactly?
- All right. Have a good night.
Uh, all right, well,
now that that's done,
Manny, what is the difference
between a BCC and a CC?
And if somebody BCCs me,
who can CC that?
- Are you ready to go?
- I am.
Okay. Let's
Y'all just marinate on that, okay?
Ava, you can't scarf
those wings all yourself.
You're supposed to share.
Mm-hmm. And why did you
give her the food?
Well, she told me she'd give me a raise.
And you bought that?
Oh, so now I'm only supposed to
believe women some of the time?
Ooh. It is this behavior
why we would never let you
lead us in a crisis.
Nobody lets me do anything.
Yet, here I am, doing things.
That's why I'm a leader.
Now, who will bend the knee
and kiss the wing?
- What Have some self-respect!
- What is wrong with you, son?
Ava, we are not your TikTok followers.
We are all alphas. Well, most of us.
What? I'm an alpha. Woof-woof.
You know, I shouldn't have
trusted my food
to any of youse anyway.
I'm gonna order my own.
We closed a half hour ago.
Wh Why are you still here?
Because we closed a half hour ago.
He's an integral part
of my splinter community.
All right, all right.
This has gotten really weird.
I can't believe it's 8:00 already.
I was supposed to
pick my kids up at 7:00.
I've been thinking of "Grapes of Wrath."
I ain't read this.
This is not how book clubs
are supposed to go.
We were supposed
to be creating community
around the shared love of literature.
And instead, we just picked sides
and refused to see
each other's point of view.
Hmm. You know something?
I'm starting to see Ms. Inez's
point of view very clearly.
I'm leaving.
Yeah, and for the first time
tonight, Barb, I'm with ya.
Come on.
Well, well, well.
At least you all can recognize
that I'm the only one tough enough
and smart enough to lead
in the end times.
[CHUCKLES] Followers always give up.
Now, follow the other losers outta here.
Oh, do you feel that, Barb?
Oh, I sure do.
Yeah, that feels just like
I got a second wind.
Oh, with such rich text,
I could talk about this book forever.
Fine by me. This is your simulation.
I'm just living in it.
Now, where were we?
All right, our tab's all closed up.
Perfect, because our table is ready.
Well, it was ready 30 minutes ago,
and I think they gave it away.
But that means we missed the rush,
so we can just go put
our names back on the list.
Actually, I-I don't know
if your friend is on a date,
but you're not.
I have to go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Um, look, I'm sorry.
Maybe I can still
see you around some time?
If you're in, like, a serious accident.
Hey, um, sorry tonight
got a little weird.
Oh, no. This is the best date
I've ever been on.
Your friend is so messy.
Oh, no. Hell no.
What are y'all doing here?
- Ooh, ooh!
- Why does it stink?
W-Where am I? What day is it?
It's Friday, which means
you are all cleaning this up.
The kids will be in here soon.
Okay, fine, but before we go,
I think we can all agree
That I am the leader
that will best protect us
during the end times.
We agree on nothing!
Hold up. "Parable of the Sower"?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, you missed the point.
The protagonist she does not
want to rule over her followers.
She wants them to see
the counterintuitive truth
that the only path
to actual survival is diversity.
But I'm not here to talk about
Afrofuturist speculative fiction.
I'm here to heat up cinnamon buns.
Now, get the hell out.
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- My back.
Y'all just gonna leave all this trash?
Gregory, Gregory, Gregory.
You sneaky little
- Hey, guys!
Crazy running into you last night.
Three tipsy teachers
tearing up the town.
Say that three times fast.
Three tipsy teachers
towning up Dang it.
You and Erika have a good time?
I did. I did.
And let me tell you what,
there is no pre-game
like closing out your old
district e-mail account.
By the way, it is so funny
that you thought
Manny and I were on a date.
Yeah, it was hilarious.
- So, so funny.
- Yeah. Yeah.
All right, well, anyway,
I've got to go clean off my desk.
The old flowers
from the district have wilted.
But, um, could I grab some
from your garden?
Yeah. Please.
Okay. Thanks.
Mm-hmm. [DOOR OPENS]
- I know.
- Do you know?
I know.
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
- Fix your face.
- Sorry.
JANINE: Morning.
Oh, Gregory. A jade roller is usually
made out of jade and is a roller.
Oh, this.
I'm just touching up my new beard.
Me and Jacob decided to grow 'em
out over spring break.
Oh, yes.
Yep. That is a That's a beard.
MELISSA: If you were in
my second-grade class,
you'd have the eighth-best beard.
Yeah, Gregory, is this beard in the room
with us right now?
All right, look, y'all,
growing a beard is not a sprint.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's a marathon.
Yeah, but you can finish
a marathon, sweetheart.
- Freeway got the hood on smash!
- Oh, no.
Gregory, what the hell?
I thought we were doing this together.
I forgot.
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