Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e08 Episode Script

1
[JANINE CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, what are you doing
here on Christmas break?
Uh, funny,
I could ask you the same thing.
Ah, you're out of toilet paper.
Yeah, I'm out of toilet paper.
What are you doing here?
I-I just came to get the milk
before it expired,
so if anything, I'm helping.
Gerald loves his milk.
Thank you.
Oh. Wh-Wha
What? Did you actually think
I was gonna buy another tree? [CHUCKLES]
Um, okay. Well, since
we're all gathered here,
I'd love to take this opportunity
to formally invite you
to my house for Christmas Eve.
There'll be cookies
and toilet paper, so
Yeah, sorry, kiddo. Can't do it.
Barb and I already have dinner plans.
Yeah, and I've already been
to one of your parties.
I think once is enough, right?
Okay, well, I guess that means
it'll just be me and Gregory.
As it should be.
Good morning, everyone.
And what are you here to steal?
- These.
- Oh, yeah.
I forgot that we had no school today.
I saw Melissa leave,
and I thought I was late.
I mean, she leaves her place
without me all the time.
There she goes. Melissa!
Melissa, wait for me!
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Okay. Ugh, no!
Jacob, I said julienne the carrots.
Yeah, dude, like this.
No, not like that.
They were julienned
Ugh.
You guys, this dinner has to be perfect.
No, right, I get it. It It's
special because it's your family.
Nah, I don't care about them.
They took me out of rotation
for hosting Christmas Eve dinner
'cause I'm not married anymore,
so I gotta prove to 'em
I don't need a husband.
Baby girl, you don't need
to prove anything to anybody.
No, dummy, I do.
My family's gonna show up here,
and they're gonna look for any reason
to pick apart my food
and say it's skivose.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh.
- Jeez, are we early?
Why aren't you dressed yet?
It's nice to see you, too, sis.
Dom.
Whoa. Okay.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
So So these are overcooked.
Right, but the last batch
was undercooked.
I'm still experimenting with the timing.
It's good to have options.
You know what?
I don't even like cookies,
so this is great.
Okay. Look, so, I know your vote
was to watch "Muppets
Christmas Carol" first.
- Mm-hmm.
- And my vote was to watch "Elf" first.
I was thinking the perfect
middle ground might be
- Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause."
- Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause."
Okay.
JANINE: I only made cookies
in case anyone shows up.
I'm actually very excited
it's just me and Gregory.
First Christmas Eve together
is a big one, you know?
It's right up there
with first kiss or first fight
or first time
farting in front of each other.
Gregory's not there yet on that one.
So, I know we said we were gonna
do our gift exchange later,
but I have one little surprise
that can't wait.
It's not an Orioles jersey, is it?
Even better.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
Okay.
Honey, you trying something
different with your makeup?
- You're so brave.
- Thanks, Mom.
I love visiting you, Mel.
Something about being around you
really makes me feel
better about myself.
And that's why I love
having you, Anthony.
Marie, d-did this place get smaller?
I'm Melissa. And no, my place
did not magically shrink.
Ah, I guess you just got bigger then.
- [WHEEZING LAUGH]
- TERESA: Archie.
What would she need a bigger place for?
She lives with a roommate,
unmarried and alone.
- You're so insensitive.
- Me?
- Yes.
- What?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MELISSA: Oh, thank God. Hi.
- Merry Christmas, Melissa.
- Merry Christmas.
Ah, thanks for having us.
So glad you're here.
Well, look, mm,
if it isn't my favorite chef.
Well, excuse you.
Oh, baby,
you're my favorite person.
Okay, I forgive you.
Uh, nobody told me this is one
of those progressive dinners.
Do you want to get strangled?
Okay, no, I-I've been preparing
for this moment for years.
Okay, okay, what do I do?
No, you know what?
I'm just gonna take a nap
here on your god-awful couch.
Okay, good idea, but,
Uncle Archie, take it upstairs.
- What?
- Move it upstairs,
- away from people.
- Ah
I'm so sorry.
Oh, honey, that's alright.
We have grace for people who
are about to meet their maker.
Or the other guy.
So that was Uncle Racist, I mean Archie.
Uh, that's Kristin Marie, Dom, Marie,
Mark, Mary, Matthew, Maria Christina,
Craig, Girl Toni
Boy Tony's still in prison,
but there's a card for him
if you want to sign it
uh, Larry, Anthony, Seamus,
there's about 30 kids in the basement,
and how could we forget
the wonderful matriarch,
- Mrs. Teresa Schemmenti.
- My mom.
- Oh.
- You forgot Nancy.
Uh, no, there's
There's nobody here named Nancy.
I was talking about you
and your boyfriend.
- MELISSA: Come on.
- Okay, normally
I respect my elders,
but this guy is this close.
- Okay. Go. Go, you jabroni.
- TERESA: Get upstairs.
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
Do we have to watch basketball?
If I'm wearing this,
we're watching that.
Oh, you look so cute!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Wonder who that could be.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Maybe Santa came early.
Ah, kind of right. Hi, Mr. Johnson.
Are you here
for our little get-together?
Of course not. I know
an empty offer when I hear one.
I'm here to drop off tidings of comfort
for you and your big-ass feet.
And tidings of joy for you.
"How to Have a Personality."
How thoughtful.
Merry Christmas, people.
I'm off to the North Pole.
- Ugh.
- Yeah, have fun.
Ah, Ava! It's Ava.
Oh, hey! Ava here with us
on Christmas Eve.
- Merry.
- Yes! What are you doing here?
I thought you said you couldn't make it.
I'm unpredictable. That's
what people love about me.
And it's a good thing I did come,
'cause it's bleak as hell in here.
Oh, going with a Charlie Brown
theme this year?
Well, I think his tree
had more branches,
but least you got your own Franklin.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Janine, where you get
these decorations,
the dollar store? [LAUGHS]
So, actually, there's this new
board game called Imprisonment.
And on a micro level,
it's about escaping prison.
- But on a macro level
- Why don't you go grab it
and show me, and I'll be right here?
Oh. Yeah.
What happened with you
and the firefighter?
He was a firefighter. He fights fires.
Yeah, but, Mom,
we're just dating, you know?
He's not Christmas level yet.
Oh, you want to be lonely on Christmas.
Makes for great sad songs.
Oh, God. I love sad Christmas songs.
You know, someone's got
to inspire them. Why not Mel?
Oh, yeah? I'm sad?
You're drunk, and it's not even dinner.
Okay, I'm not drunk.
I have Bell's palsy.
Okay, well, how you explain the
other side of your face, then?
- Oh! Come on.
- Oh. Oh.
Sorry.
No, no, no, no, no.
Breathe, you bigot, breathe.
Oh.
Hello. Uh,
non-responsive old person. Over.
How does this even work?
Oh, bro, word of warning,
don't say anything even lukewarm
about "Rocky" to these people.
Caleb, I think Melissa's uncle is dead.
- You know CPR, don't you?
- What? No.
What do you mean? You're
You're a personal trainer.
- You don't know CPR?
- I'm a TikTok trainer.
You're a teacher. Don't you know CPR?
I was very distracted
during my CPR class, okay?
And I'm terrible in a crisis.
Okay.
Bro, he's super dead.
Melissa, can I talk to you real quick?
Yeah.
I'm making pesto. What do you need?
Oh, um
Your, um
What? Spit it out. Open your mouth.
What do you think?
- Fire.
- Your uncle is dead.
[CHUCKLES] What are you trying
to tell me, Jacob?
He's sleeping with a fish?
Nah, he's he's stunad.
He sleeps heavy. He's got that apnea.
Uh, I checked his pulse.
That man is definitely un-alived
on top of the coats.
No. No way.
No way.
I will call 911.
You go talk to the family.
Yeah, not so fast, there, buddy.
If he's dead, he's not gonna
be any deader after dinner.
- Melissa!
- Okay, listen to me, Jacob.
I've been working on this dinner
for two weeks.
If we tell everybody,
it all goes to hell.
Right along with Uncle Archie.
- Mmm, flames.
- Plus, they're gonna blame me.
- How?
- What? You've seen my family.
They'll find a way.
ANTHONY: Melissa, is dinner ready,
or should I have yet another
frickin' cracker and cheese?
KRISTIN MARIE: Last year at
Cousin Annette's was beautiful.
She always has dinner out on time!
Okay, so look, in an hour and a half,
we'll call 911, and we'll
tell them he's dead, okay?
After dinner.
Melissa, you need some help?
- Barb.
- What?
Her uncle is dead upstairs,
and she wants to wait to tell
everybody until after dinner.
Please tell her this is insane.
Melissa, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Can you get me the "focacch"?
Right over there.
Okay.
Uh, look, she's good, I'm good.
It's her dinner.
And, um, a nap is a nice way to go.
- Gerald's very hungry.
- Okay.
There is a dead guy in my bed.
Jacob, please do not
make this all about you.
I mean.
CALEB: Ooh.
Fuego. Fue-go.
So, Ava, I'm surprised you don't have
any plans for Christmas Eve.
You know, nothing with friends,
family, rappers?
Well, I've already been
by the home to see my grandma.
She took down three candy canes,
unwrapped someone else's
present, and then fell asleep.
My queen.
- I don't have any other family here.
- Ah.
GREGORY: So, I met Ava's dad
at the barbershop.
I mind my own business, so
I haven't told Janine yet, but
decided it was information
I wasn't supposed to have.
I tipped handsomely,
and I put it out of my head.
Plus, all my friends have kids now.
Do you know what it's like
to be around kids?
Yes, we work at a school.
- So you get it.
- How about we just watch
- a Christmas movie?
- Yeah.
Gregory has somehow
never seen "The Santa Clause 2,"
so we'll just start with that.
I've had enough Christmas cheer.
Let's throw on a horror movie.
I'm thinking something
in the home invasion subgenre.
Yeah, you know
a little something about that.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] The only
thing I want invading my home
is Tim Allen as the jolly,
old, fat man, so
Horror movie it is.
Just close your eyes
for one hour and 44 minutes.
That's probably the equivalent
of eight hours of sleep
for somebody of your size, anyway.
Hey, yo, where you going?
I'm grabbing my jacket.
I'm gonna smoke a cig.
Yeah, no, you don't have to do that.
Uh, Jacob will get it for you.
Yeah, right. I got a pocket full
of Lifesavers up there.
There's no way I'm losing
all my pineapple
to your live-in butler's sticky fingers.
Ah, well, joke's on you.
I-I stopped eating those
after I almost choked on one in college
but was saved by the tiny hole
in the center.
- Talk about a lifesaver.
- Yeah, and you don't need your jacket.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, Kristin Marie,
I got these new
these smoking blankets.
Everybody's doing it now.
- Smoking blankets?
- Yeah.
- Ooh. Classy. Nice.
- Right?
Okay. Looks good on you.
Okay, that was close.
And I just lost my best throw.
It's gonna smell like a VFW hall,
but we're almost there.
Dinner, and then we're
home free, okay? Be cool.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING ON TV]
I need to use the bathroom,
but I don't want to miss
the dudes in animal masks
chopping people up. [MOVIE PAUSES]
Right. [FORCED CHUCKLE]
This is not how I envisioned our
first Christmas Eve together.
She's even more Ava than usual.
- Yeah.
- Could you ask her to leave?
She'll take it better coming from you.
Um
[SIGHS]
Alright, I'll talk to her.
Thank you.
Your hand soap is cheap!
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
About how dumb you two look
in those footie pajamas?
No, we're on the same page
there, but, um
- Are you good?
- Yeah, I'm great. Why?
It's just that earlier
you said you didn't have
any other family in Philly, and
I met your dad.
Where?
The barbershop. He was my barber.
Okay.
I mean, okay, I'm not trying
to get into your business,
but I wanted to check in
'cause, you know
it's Christmas.
Obviously, it's not a good relationship.
I don't speak to my dad.
Wow, what a cool topic
for you to bring up
on our first Christmas Eve together.
I shoulda known
your ass couldn't be festive.
Look, look, I'm sorry to bring
it up, I-I really am, I just
I just knew technically it
wasn't true, and sometimes
I get it. But besides him,
I really don't have any other family.
So I'm here with my work family
or whatever.
Oh, man, Ava, I didn't know that you
Shut up. And don't say
anything to Jeanine,
because that elf-size elf would try
to perform some Christmas miracle
and reunite me with that man.
And I don't need pity from her
or you, a man without a regular barber.
- My guy was out of town.
- Yeah, okay.
[SIGHS] So how'd she take it? I mean,
she probably has somewhere
better to be anyway, right?
I mean, well, look, I-I technically
didn't ask her to leave.
What? Why?
It's Christmas, you know?
Yes, and she is ruining ours.
I think we should just let her stay.
What are you not telling me?
- I can't tell you.
- What?
I told Ava I wouldn't say.
Oh, so you and Ava
are keeping secrets now?
Janine, why we watching a wack-ass fire?
And where's the remote?
I found it.
Delicious. Mmm.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Seamus,
where you going, man?
"Seamuson's" gotta make
more room for Jameson.
Ha, ha. Okay. How about
downstairs bathroom, man?
You can't use upstairs.
Jacob cracked the bowl.
I don't even want to tell you how.
I'm surprised you pulled this off.
I guess I didn't need to defrost
the frutti di mare
I had at home as a backup
dinner for me and Dom.
You know, if this were just
a little less mooshad
- Yeah, a little mushy.
- Yeah.
This could have almost passed
for Nona's rollatini.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Well, there you have it, Melissa.
An undeniable success. So
Did you hear what my mother said?
Jacob, she said it was
almost as good as Nona's.
She's never given me
a compliment that good.
I don't know no Nona, but I gotta agree.
Okay, I-I think it might be time
to call 911.
Oh.
Melissa, Gerald would like to
know when will dessert be served.
Jacob, listen. This dinner
won't be a complete success
until everyone has schkarfed
down the last bite of cannoli
and cried their eyes out
over how delicately each shell
compliments the ricot.
I just want everyone to be so,
so full and happy
that when they're looking
in the bathroom mirror
and gulping down Brioschi,
they're thinking, "You know what?
Melissa really is the best of us.
And I'm just a lowly piece of [BLEEP]"
I have cooked
those kind of dinners before.
I think I've been pretty patient
Hush!
Oh, boy. I know what that is.
Schemmenti cannoli?
To die for.
[CACKLES AWKWARDLY]
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
No, not yet.
Okay, who's ready for
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Hang on. Hang on, one sec.
Ashpet, ashpet, I'm coming, I'm coming!
Okay. Hi.
Mr. Johnson-Claus is here with tidings.
Got you some red hair dye
to fix those roots.
And tell Jacob he's picking me
up at 8:00 a.m. Sunday.
I got him the gift
of taking me sledding.
- Thanks.
- Uh, sorry, but I can't stay.
Gotta get to the North Pole.
Vixen and Dancer are waiting for me.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
- Alright, now
- There we go.
- Alright. Oh.
- Who's ready for dessert?
[ALL MURMURING EXCITEDLY]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, wait. Don't eat them yet,
you "schkarfatoons."
Oh, first she tells us to eat it,
and then she yells at us not to eat it.
She can't make up her mind.
What do you want from us?
Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
I told you you weren't invited to this.
I didn't come to your dinner.
I respect your wishes.
Paramedics got a DeathAlert
ring from this house.
I saw the address on the call.
I just wanted to make sure
you were okay.
Anybody fall? Anybody dead?
Oh, is this the nice firefighter?
See, everyone? I told you,
she's got a guy.
Oh. So that explains
why this food tastes so great.
No single woman could make
a meal like this.
- So true.
- Am I right?
- That's so true.
- I'm right.
- Who here has a DeathAlert?
- What's that?
Oh, so those things do work.
- Oh, who died?
- No one died, Ma.
- Melissa!
- Jacob, cannolis!
What the hell is a DeathAlert?
Did y'all say dessert?
'Cause I'm ready for it.
- BARBARA: Gerald!
- Okay, alright,
Ma, everybody, I'll come clean.
Uncle Archie's upstairs,
and he's dead.
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]
- Sorry.
- That son of a bitch owed me money.
- Sorry.
Melissa's house kills men.
What Ma!
[DRUNKENLY] Danny boy, the pipes ♪
Okay, not to break up this,
but where's the body?
- Upstairs. My room.
- Oh, my God!
You're alive? [ALL EXCLAIMING]
What? I never sleep through a cannoli.
I thought you said
you checked his pulse.
I did. I went like this
and felt nothing and
Oh, my God. Jacob,
you, too, do not have a pulse.
Ohh.
My B, my B. In that case,
my racist, homophobic dude,
you have a fever.
See why I didn't invite you now?
- I totally get it.
- Okay.
Either you tell me what's going on,
- or I'm asking her to leave.
- I promise you,
there's a reason
I'm not asking her to leave,
and there's a reason I can't tell you.
- Tell me what it is.
- I can't.
Wow. What other secrets
are you keeping from me, huh?
Ye
Are your muscles even real?
It's steroids, isn't it?
[AVA SIGHS]
Imma need y'all to stop
arguing on Christmas Eve.
Gregory accidentally found out
that my dad lives in Philly,
and I asked him not to tell you
'cause I know you would try
to do your Janine Saves the World thing
and try to repair a relationship
that I have no interest in fixing.
He cut my hair. He's a barber.
Secret's out.
And you didn't want to be alone.
[SIGHS] You got me.
I'm not immune to feeling
vulnerable during Christmas.
So do you mind if I
grace you with my presence
just a little longer?
Oh, my God. Of course you can stay.
There's nothing wrong with
wanting to be with your work family.
Shut up, Janine.
I ate all your marshmallows.
You know, Mel, you're not as
bad a cook as everyone says.
Why come you can't hold down a man?
Get out of here. Go.
Uh, I'm still hungry.
Yeah, well, you were dead
when we ate, so
[GROANS]
If Uncle Archie woulda actually died,
this would have been one of the
best Schemmenti dinners ever.
Right?
Take it easy, Dom.
And if things don't work out
between you and the firefighter,
I know a guy.
- Mwah.
- Night, Ma.
Love you.
Oh, Melissa.
They would never tell you, but I will.
Girl, you sure showed them.
I did, Barb.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Jinx! [BOTH LAUGH]
- Bye, hon. Mwah.
- So good.
Thank you.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] Nice.
Yo. [BARKS] Big dog, fire bro,
um, Seamus passed out in Jacob's bed,
and I think he actually is dead.
[SEAMUS VOMITING]
Shame on you, Seamus! [SHAME-US]
That's disgusting.
Did he just call me "big dog fire bro"?
Yeah. Those two aren't mine, though.
Ooh! I wonder what it is.
Mugs.
Okay. Aww, that's sweet, I think.
You can put them in any order, too.
Mm. Well, obviously,
we didn't know you were coming,
but that's okay, because
Oh, not again.
Alright, here you go.
[GIGGLES] So, what's funny is
I actually had to order several
pair to find the right fit,
because my feet and height ratio
is one of a kind.
But luckily,
Amazon had plenty of options.
- Ah
- Aren't they cute?
They definitely scream Janine.
Thank you.
Well, we've got plenty
of pillows and blankets,
and honestly, this couch
isn't bad to sleep on.
- Yeah. Not bad.
- Yeah.
What did you think?
We were gonna have a threesome?
[CHUCKLES] You wish.
I was just killing time.
Until what? [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]
There's a party bus out there
with my name on it.
Christmas Eve is the best time
to go clubbing.
No one there has kids
that they care about.
[CHUCKLES] [PEOPLE CHEERING IN DISTANCE]
Merry whatever! Bye.
[DOOR SHUTS]
Merry Christmas?
Merry Christmas.
[BOTH SIGH]
Welp, made all my stops.
Oh, crap.
I forgot about Barbara and Ava.
I really need to start making
that list and checking it twice.
Anyway, I'm on my way to the North Pole.
And to all a good night.
On Vixen, on Dancer! [CHUCKLES]
On Dancer, on Dancer. Yeah!
[LAUGHS]
Merry Christmas!